Book I am reading: A Clash of Kings
Chapters: Arya VIII, Catelyn V, Daenerys III
Booze in my flagon: Today I’m going hipster c. 2005 and drinking PBR
Harrenhal is in chaos because Tywin is finally marching. Arya has been running a whole lot of messages back and forth and Weese is being an insufferable asshole. He tells Arya if she runs away he’ll give her to Vargo Hoat who likes to chop off limbs (ooh foreshadowing). She’s been desperately looking for Jaqen H’ghar because she Tywin is taking the Mountain, Dunsen, Polliver, and Raff with him.
Arya is sent to deliver a message to the armory. There she sees Gendry and can’t help but notice his naked sweaty chest. I feel you, girl.
Gendry is kind of a humorless dolt and doesn’t realize he’s a cover of a romance novel so all he wants to is scold Arya for yelling “Winterfell!” while fighting back at the holdfast, thus possibly giving away her identity. It seems Hot Pie ratted her out. Bad Hot Pie! In penance you shall make lots of wolf bread. Oh right, that’s only in the show.
On the way back to Weese, Arya overhears people gossiping about Robb. They are discussing rumors that he is a warg with giants in his army. For a minute she feels her Stark feels coming back to her but Weese comes up and interrupts her being an asshole as usual. He even slaps her hard enough to make her taste blood. Now she hates him. Watch yourself Weese.
While delivering yet another message she runs into Rorge who of course harasses in a most icky way. Luckily he doesn’t do anything because she asks about Jaqen and he seems afraid of him. He tells her Jaqen is in the bathhouse. He’s lounging in the bath and despite how much her life sucks right now at least she gets plenty of eye candy today. She whispers “Weese” in his here. Gah! This might be the only point in the series that I get mad at Arya. She had a chance to take out Tywin! Noooo!
I guess it’s well deserved though. At dinner time he catches her staring at him and smacks her, shoves her, and threatens to gouge out her eyes. Classy. Unfortunately, Jaqen doesn’t get him that night and he’s still terrorizing her in the morning. As she watches Tywin and company march off she finally regrets her strategic blunder. She runs off to find Jaqen to see if she can reverse her choice. As she’s running she hears a loud shriek. It’s Weese who had taken a fall and died. Jaqen is leaning against the wall looking all sly. She only has one kill left.
Two days ride from Riverrun Cat and Brienne run into a scout for the Freys. Um, good? She finds out the Blackfish has gone west with Robb so she has to settle for a visit to the camp of Martyn Rivers, one of Walder’s bastards. Rivers tells her that he has orders to bring her back to Riverrun because with Tywin on the move it is not safe to be out roaming around. This is troubling news. Thanks
The battle at Oxcross is recounted for the third. Blah, blah, blah. I guess I’m a stereotypical girl in a few ways because battle talk does not interest me at all. It’s second only to poems and songs (looking at you Tolkien) in things I skim while reading fantasy. Anyway, Cat is not pleased with the nasty rumor that Robb cut out Stafford Lannister’s heart and fed it to Grey Wind. I would be quite pleased with that rumor actually, scaring your enemy has to be a good thing.
That night, Brienne approaches Cat to ask her if she can be released. She’s been quiet and socially awkward so far, not bonding with anyone so it isn’t a huge surprise. Brienne wants to go back to Storm’s End. To vengeance kill Stannis. Cat convinces her not to by commiserating about her grief over Ned and convincing her to live in the now and all that Lifetime movie stuff. Erm, sorry. I’m bad with sentiment. She wants Brienne to serve Robb and fight for him, but she would rather serve Catelyn. She only asks that she not her back if she gets the opportunity to kill Stannis. Catelyn agrees and Brienne pledges to serve her.
When they get near Riverrun the next day Cat notices that camps are set up again. It looks like Edmure is intending to fight Tywin there at the Red Fork. This makes Cat nervous for some reason. Probably because Edmure is kind of an idiot. The walls of Riverrun are full of decomposing hanged Lannister men. Yet another thing that makes Cat uneasy. It seems like everything makes her uneasy. She’s a little afraid that Jaime is one of those bodies.
I just have to stop here and note that the book describes Edmure’s beard as a fiery bush. Hahaha! That sounds a whole lot like fire crotch to me. Maybe I’m just gross. Especially since fire crotch always conjures up images of a fire ant colony residing on someone’s crotch.
It turns out the hanged men were Cleos’ envoys. They broke out Jaime who was retaken, but with some casualties. This happened while Edmure was out whoring so this news puts Cat in, you guessed it, a bad mood. Robb wanted her to go off to the Twins but she refuses because she wants to be with her dying father and does not want to have to pick Robb’s bride for him. She also tells him she disapproves of his plan to fight Tywin. Edmure’s all embarrassed to have s girl tell him what do. Of course he is not swayed away from his bad ideas.
She goes to visit Hoster. Sadly, Hoster has dementia or something and thinks she is Lysa about to be married to Jon Arryn. He speaks of some “wretched stripling” that Lysa wanted to be with, but Catelyn isn’t sure who that is. In other depressing news, when she gets back to her bed chamber she finds that Ned’s bones have been delivered. Sans ice.
Dany has been going about Qarth begging for ships and money and she keeps striking out. IIRC this chapter has a lot of stuff of about the ins and outs of Quartheen society and politics. It’s OK to read but I don’t feel the need to recap it because it isn’t all that important. This might be a short one. Basically, everything is fancy and the people are pale, cold and unempathetic. Think of it as the ASOIAF version of one of those neighborhoods with a lot of huge McMansions and tacky cars. The main thing to glean from this is that they have a guild of assassins called the Sorrowful Men who apologize before they kill you. So you can’t fuck with any of the wealthy people in Qarth. She hates being a beggar like Viserys but is grateful for the dragons. And did I mention she’s wearing the fashionable dress of Qartheen ladies? It’s a dress that lets one boob hang out. I’d hate to see what one of those would like on me.
Xaro has been nice housing Dany and her people but he won’t give her anything either. Not unless she marries him. He tries to claim he is into her, but he is obviously gay. They stop to watch a firemage who is doing all sorts of neat fire tricks. Quaithe creepily pops out of nowhere. She tells Dany that this firemage used to have no fire game at all but all of a sudden he has power. Quaithe claim it’s because of her and her waking of the dragons. She also counsels Dany to get out of Qarth and go to Asshai instead.
Later, back at Xaro’s manse Dany is talking to Jorah. He has found out why Xaro wants to marry her. The Qartheen have a wedding custom that allows each spouse to ask the other for one gift. That gift can not be refused. He’s trying to trick her into giving him a dragon. She decides to leave town. But first she will go to Pyat Pree and the warlocks
Deaths in this recap: 1. Weese. I won’t miss you, child beater.
Cumulative deaths: 51
Maybe deaths in this recap: 0
Cumulative maybe deaths: 1
Betrayals in this recap: 0
Cumulative betrayals: 13
Incest incidents: 21
Cumulative incests: 25