Archive | December 2013

Smack My Viserys Up

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Daenerys IV, Bran V, Tyrion V, Eddard X, Catelyn VII

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet – sauvignon

 

Daenerys IV

  Dany and the khalasar enter the Dothraki city of Vaes Dothrak.  Holy shit there are a lot of words the spell check doesn’t recognize there.   There are gates but no walls or buildings.  Viserys has been on horseback again.  His punishment for threatening Dany had been to walk behind the khalasar.  The Dothraki nicknamed him the “Sorefoot King.”  Since his royal wussiness couldn’t keep up, he got offered a place in the cart.  Unfortunately for Viserys, the cart is for eunuchs, cripples and women in labor.  This earned him the new nickname of Khal Rhaggat aka the Cart King.  Haha.  Viserys sucks.  Dany for some reason takes pity on him, doesn’t tell him he’s being mocked and sexes up Drogo until he lets him ride the horse again.

  They ride past all sorts of statues that have been stolen from the cities the Dothraki sacked.  This always reminds me of Return to Oz when Dorothy goes back to Oz and it’s in ruins.  If anyone cares, that movie is not canon at all.  Not even a little.

  Viserys, never one to have learned his lesson keeps trashing the Dothraki to Dany.  Once he is out of earshot Jorah says that Viserys should have stayed in Pentos.  He doesn’t belong with the khalasar.  You don’t say Jorah?  Jorah also expresses skepticism that Viserys is capable of conquering Westeros.  We also learn from Jorah that the Dothraki are far superior to Westeros armies in open battle, but Westrosi are better at siege craft.  We’ll probably need to know this much, much, much, much later.

  Then Jorah loses most of the book readers by expressing his hatred Ned Stark.  Um, Jorah?  It isn’t Ned’s fault you decided to FRAKKING TRADE SLAVES.  Jorah is a bitter bitch though, so he doesn’t quite grasp this.

  As everyone settles in, they must surrender their weapons.  In Vaes Dothrak, warring khalasars are at peace and they are all one blood.  It is against their religion to spill any blood here.

  Dany takes a bath and asks Doreah to invite Viserys over for dinner.  Viserys sort of tolerates Doreah more than the Dothraki.  Because she’s white and because Ilyrio let him do her back in Pentos.  Dany has gifts for Viserys.  A fancy brand spanking new Dothraki outfit.  All of his silk Westeros clothes is all gross and doesn’t travel well.  Viserys storms in an is all pissy because “nobody commands the dragon.”  He punched Doreah in the eye for requesting his presence at supper.  Seriously.  What an asshole.  Dany tries to smooth things over but the Dothraki outfit just pisses him off more.  Why next she’ll suggest he braid his hair.  The horrors!  Dany points he has no victories and therefore has no right to a braid.  Snap, snap, snap in a z formation!

  This sends Viserys into rage spasms and he threatens her and her fetus.  So she straight up smacks him in the face with a bronze belt.  In your mind you should be   Viserys’ cheek is bleeding so technically Dany is breaking the rules here, but since I don’t care about religious customs I’m willing to overlook.  Especially since nobody else ever cares about this.  Viserys storms off and Dany goes to sleep snuggling her dragon eggs.

 

Bran V

  Bran is riding his horse Dancer on his special new saddle.  He is accompanied by Robb and Theon, Summer, Grey Wind and some guards and Joseth the stable guy.  Maester Luwin also comes with in case Bran falls and needs medical attention.  For some undisclosed reason he is riding a donkey instead of a horse like everybody else.  This is bizarre.  I went horseback riding once and I’m a total city girl.  It isn’t that hard.

  Theon is being smarmy as usual and he tries to talk about his sexy times with a girl named Kyra (we’ll see her again later).  Robb cuts him off because of Bran’s young delicate ears.  Robb is giving me some Tipper Gore vibes right now.  Theon responds with his patented shit eating grin.

  To further distract Bran from Theon’s debauched ways, Robb decides they should race.  Finally they slow and have a brother-brother chat about how the wolves were restless and howling the night before.  The talk turns dark.  We learn that word has reached Winterfell of Benjen’s disappearance, Catelyn’s arrest of Tyrion and most recently the slaughter of Jory and Ned’s other men.  Ned’s leg is shattered and he is in a coma.  It is hinted that there might be a war pretty soon.

  Theon rolls up on them and points out that Robb can call the banners if Ned dies.  Very sensitive of you Theon.  All the unpleasant subject matter has spoiled the day and Bran wants to go home.  Robb and Bran go out to look for the wolves.  They ride off away from the others and hear the wolves howling.  Robb rides off to get them and leaves Bran alone.

  Suddenly, a Night’s Watch deserter and some wildlings appear.  They want to rob Bran and make fun of him for being a cripple.  Bran tries to threaten them by identifying himself as a Stark but this just gets them more riled.  Then Robb comes back to the rescue.  Robb seems outnumbered.  Until the direwolves bound up to the attackers.  There is some gory fighting.  Finally, four of the six attackers are dead.  Robb is fighting the wildling woman called Osha and one of the men has a knife to Bran’s throat.

  There is a tense stand off.  Until Theon comes out of nowhere and shoots the man with an arrow.  Osha, now outnumbered is a hostage.  Theon is awfully proud of himself but Robb is pissed off for acting without getting orders.  I’m actually on Theon’s side with this one.  Anyway, all is well and they go back to Winterfell.

 

Tyrion V 

  Tyrion has been in the sky cells of the Eyrie. They are open air.  They’re carved in the wall of the cliff so there’s no escape.  To make matters worse, there is a slight incline so one can never sleep easy for fear of rolling out of the cell.  I’m not even afraid of heights and that’s really scary.  They tend to drive prisoners insane and they often just jump.  Another fun feature is the guard Mord.  He’s big stupid and mean and is making Tyrion’s life miserable.

  Tyrion was placed in these cells after being brought in front of Lysa and Robert.  Robert was way to excited at the prospect of sending Tyrion out the moon door, a door that opens out to the cliff.  Executions are done via moon door instead of beheading and hanging like everywhere else.  Cat tries to be the voice of reason and gets Tyrion put in the cells instead.

  After several days Tyrion bribes Mord into telling Lysa he wants to confess.  It works and Tyrion is summoned to the great hall to face Lysa, Robert and all the Vale lords.  Bronn is there too.  Of course, Tyrion does not confess to the murder of Jon or the attempted murder of Bran.  He gets all snarky and confesses to the mischiefs he has done throughout his life.  Of course, this makes Lysa want to Hulk smash everything with her inappropriately milk-filled boobs. 

  Now that Tyrion is in public, he is able to exercise his right to a trial.  He wants a trial by combat and wants to call Jaime.  They won’t allow that though, because it would take forever to get him to the Eyrie.  It is decided that Ser Vardis Egen will be Lysa’s champion.  In a sort of but not really surprising twist, Bronn offers to act as Tyrion’s champion.

 

Eddard X

  The good news is, this chapter’s short so you won’t have to read too much.  The bad news is, it starts with a dream sequence.  Apologies.  I’ll do my best.

  In the dream Ned and his bannermen are riding to the Tower of Joy where the Kingsguard are guarding Lyanna Stark.  Lots of guys are with Ned, but the most important one is Howland Reed, lord of Greywater Watch in the Neck (the marshy bit right on the border with the south.  As a Minnesotan, I am reminded of the Boundary Waters).  There are seven of them but the 3 KG they face are formidable.  They are Arthur Dayne, Oswell Whent and Gerold Hightower.  Arthur Dayne as a really cool and famous sword called Dawn.  It’s pale and shiny and possibly magical.

  Ned wonders why the KG haven’t fled with Willem Darry, Viserys and Dany.  However, as Gerold points out the KG don’t flee.  This, dear reader is a big clue to one of the central mysteries of the series.  You probably already know this, but if you don’t take some time to reflect after this chapter.  Or just Google Tower of Joy.  Whichever. 

  They fight.  Lyanna screams Ned’s name.  Ned whispers “I promise” and wakes up in the Tower of the Hand.  Phew!  Dream sequence recap is over for now.

  We learn that Jaime has fled the city back to the Lannisters home Casterly Rock.  Robert and Cersei have come to visit Ned even though he’s still groggy and high on milk of the poppy.

  Cersei is acting bitchy.  Because of course she is.  Robert just seems annoyed at all the trouble.  He’s pissed at Ned and Cersei for arguing with other.  Robert is so lazy. 

  Ned learns that Littlefinger was vague about their errand at the brothel so he tells Robert right in front of Cersei that they were seeing Robert’s bastard.  Damn.  That’s pretty cold.  Funny though!  Cersei wears her poker face but you know she’s pissed.

  They all fight more.  Robert still doesn’t want to take a side so Cersei gets all kinds of mad and Robert DVs her.  I want to slap Cersei too, but I still think this is unacceptable behavior on Robert’s part.  Robert sends Cersei away so they can have what passes for male bonding in Westeros.  Robert reinstates Ned as hand of the king and informs him he is going on a hunt the next day.

 

Catelyn VII

  Word has reached the Eyrie that Jaime is gathering troops at Casterly Roc.  Cat and Rodrick are discussing it.  War is looking more inevitable by the chapter.  Catelyn’s a little grumpy because Lysa is being selfish and won’t send anyone from the Vale to help defend Riverrun.  Cat goes to talk to Lysa.  She is worried about the trial, but Lysa is super confident her champion will win and Tyrion will be sentenced to death.

  Now it is time for the trial.  Vardis Egen is all dressed up in fancy armor.  Bronn is just about armor free.  It really looks like Bronn is at a disadvantage here guys.  Cat remembers the time Littlefinger foolishly challenged Brandon Stark to a duel for Cat’s heart.  LF lost in a big way but Cat begged Brandon to spare his life.

  Of course, here in an official trial by combat there will be no sparing of lives.  Vardis and Bronn fight and what do you know?  Bronn turns out to have the advantage because he isn’t weighed down by tons of armor and Vardis is extra arrogant.  Bronn wins to nobody’s surprise.  Lysa, according to the laws of Westeros has to let Tyrion.  Sad trombone for Lysa!

 

Deaths in this recap: 3  Hali and Stiv are the only named ones of the party that attacked Bran.  Then we have Vardis.

Cumulative deaths: 14

Betrayals in this recap: None

Cumulative betrayals: 3

Incest incidents: None

Cumulative incests: 3

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The Lysa Arryn guide to attachment parenting

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Tyrion IV, Arya III, Eddard VIII, Catelyn VI, Eddard IX

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio 

I realized a Christmas post wasn’t going to work so here’s an early one.

Tyrion IV

  With no real context we are told that Tyrion’s horse has to be butchered for food.  Tyrion grumbles that he isn’t a Dothrai and therefore does not want to eat horse.  Is this foreshadowing?  Hmmmm.  It’s actually pretty sad because this horse was a birthday gift from Jaime.  Both my childhood cat and one of my current cats were birthday gifts so this one hits close to home.

  Now we flash back to the moment Catelyn falsely accuses Tyrion of attempted cute precocious kidocide.  He denies it but knows there isn’t much else he can do besides comply and go with her.  Yoren steps aside and continues on to King’s Landing to look for recruits because the Night’s Watch doesn’t meddle in political affairs.

  Catelyn announces to the whole inn that she is taking Tyrion back to Winterfell.  Side note. He observes that the Freys are pretty disinterested and not too eager to flock to the side of their bannermen’s daughter.  What could this mean?  Tyrion tries to act like his father Tywin will miss him and send a search party.  Nobody bites, but lots of guys come forward to assist Cat and Rodrick for a reward.  Tyrion is tied up, blindfolded and put on horseback.  When they finally take off the blindfold he notices they’re in some foothills.  Psych!  They’re not going to Winterfell.  They’re going to the Vale, up in the mountains to visit Cat’s sister Lysa, the widow Arryn.

  Tyrion is still protesting his innocence.  Catelyn asks “why would Petyr lie to me?”  Oh, Catelyn.  You’re cute.  Tyrion decides to taunt Cat by telling her that Littlefinger has been boasting about taking Cat’s virginity.  Lying about banging somebody more than 15 years after the fact?  CREEPY.  Unfortunately, Cat thinks Tyrion is making it up.

  This argument could have gone forever, but they are interrupted by clansmen.  No, not klansmen.  People from the outlaw clans that prowl the Vale.  They’re kind of like a cross between the villains from Deliverance and biker gangs.  Cat allows Tyrion to be untied.  They fight and lose a few men but ultimately prevail.  Tyrion has survived his battle.  He bonds with the wisecracking sellsword (mercenary) Bronn.  Tyrion informs Cat that he never bets against his family and therefore Littlefinger’s story of the dagger used in the attempted Branocide is some bull shit. 

 

Arya III

  Arya is roaming around the Red Keep trying to catch cats.  It’s part of her sword fight training.  I guess to teach agility because cats are sneaky quick and hard to catch.  There’s a ton of cats around but Arya has her eye on this one specific cat.  He’s a big old black cat that many (book readers not characters) theorize to be Balerion, the late princess Rhaenys Targaryen’s kitten.  Balerion was the name of the humongeous black dragon that Aegon I rode when he conquered Westeros.  A badass name that I will give to any black cat or dog I might have in the future.

  Anyway, Arya finally catches Balerion when she is distracted and loses the cat.  She is distracted by the inquiries of Tommen and Myrcella Lannister Baratheon.  They don’t recognize Arya and think she is a boy.  The septa who is watching the royal kids gets all pearl clutchy and summons a guard in the interest of removing the riff-raff that is Arya.  She escapes and bl  indly runs until she reaches a spooky pitch black cellar.

    At first she is scared because she’s surrounded by giant sharp teeth.  She remembers her training and calms down.  She sees that she is in a chamber full of the skulls of the Targaryen dragons.  The dragons have black bones which is sort of cool in a Goth Talk kind of way.

  Arya presses on and enters a room that is even darker.  She blindly stumbles down the dark hall until she comes across two men talking.  They talk about finding bastards, the wolf and the lion will soon be at each other’s throats and they are not ready for war yet.  If one hand can die, why not the second?  They worry about Lysa and Stannis.  Renly and Loras.  Catelyn and her kidnapping of Tyrion.  Yet they are most concerned about Lord Stark.  This whole exchange was difficult to recap, but I’m sure anyone who might be reading this knows it’s Varys and Ilyrio talking.  This is the first confirmation that we have that the two are working together but Arya has no idea who they are or what is happening.

  Varys and Ilyrio have left and Arya tries to follow but she gets a bit lost.  She finally gets out through a sewer and ends up in the city outside of the Red Keep.  She smells like shit so she has to bathe and wash in her clothes in the Blackwater river and is so wretched that the guards don’t want to let her into the castle.

  Arya is in trouble with Ned because it is the middle of the night and everyone was worried about her.  However, Ned is too distracted by that genealogy book to properly listen to her explanation.  Arya tries so hard to tell Ned about all the things she overheard but stupid, stupid Ned just brushes her off.  He dismisses her because Yoren has arrived in KL and wants an audience with Ned.  Yoren wants to tell Ned about the Catnapping.  Arya is escorted out by one of Ned’s men Desmond.  She seeks reassurance from Desmond that he won’t let anything happen to Ned.  It’s really depressing.

 

Eddard VIII

  Robert has discovered from an as of yet unnamed source that Daenerys is preggo.  He’s upset and scared about this because he fears Dany and Viserys will invade with thousands of Dothraki screamers.  He wants to put a hit out on Dany.  Good old noble Ned objects because she’s just a teenaged kid still.

  Now you find out that it is Jorah that has been spying on Dany for Varys.  It seems that Jorah desires a pardon for his slave trading ways.  Uh, oh Dany.  You in danger girl.

  They argue some more and Ned is the only one who is opposed to the hit except Barristan who nobody ever seems to listen too.  Things are getting heated and Ned decides to quit that bitch and Robert starts singing Taylor Swift break-up songs* and it all very dramatically ends with Ned storming out.

  Ned decides to prepare to sail back to the north.  He’s so upset that he even starts to suspect Robert in the murder of Jon Arryn.  As Ned is brooding about the days dramatic events Littlefinger pays a visit.  He offers to take Ned to the brothel that Jon Arryn and Stannis had mysteriously visited.

Catelyn VI

  Cat and co. have arrived at the bloody gate.  The entrance to the civilized non-hill folk infested part of the Vale.  There they meet Brynden Tully AKA the Blackfish.  He is Cat’s father Hoster’s younger brother.  An awesome contrarian bachelor.  Blackfish and Hoster have always been at odds and Blackfish finally left to serve Lysa in the Vale so they wouldn’t have to be together anymore.  Cat loves him though.

  Both Cat and Blackfish are worried that the Lannisters will attack Riverrun, the Tully seat.  He informs her that the people in the Vale suspect that Jon Arryn was murdered by the Lannisters.  He also informs her that Jon Arryn’s heir Robert is a very sickly and wussy 6 year old boy and the Vale lords are all propositioning Lysa because they sense that power vacuum. 

  Sorry this chapter is thus far an information dump and is very difficult to properly snark.  I promise that craziness is imminent.

  At this point Blackfish is trying to gently break it to Cat that Lysa has changed since they last saw each other several years ago.  Apparently, Lysa has had two stillbirths and some miscarriages.  After Jon died, Lysa has nothing to live for but little sickly Robert.  Now she is very paranoid about the Lannisters.  Blackfish is weary about bringing a lion up to the Eyrie.  That isn’t quite sinking in with Cat yet.  But it will.

  Cat, Blackfish and everyone get to the gates of the moon and meet Nestor Royce.  Just thought you should know, the Royces are distantly related to the Starks. Nestor informs them that they can spend the night if they really want, but Lysa wants them immediately.  The company is given a guide named Mya Stone.  Mya is one of those minor characters that I just love for some reason.  She’s a cute bastard tomboy who is expert at guiding mules up the mountain.  Stone is the regional bastard name for the Vale like Snow is for the north.  She has black hair and blue eyes like a certain family.  All right.  I’ll just come out and say it.  She is King Robert’s bastard.  The first one he made as far as we know.

  Cat and Mya leave everyone behind and get on the road.  After mule riding in the dark for awhile they get to the first waycastle on the mountain called Stone.  They stop there for dinner.  The second part of the climb is steeper and scarier.  When they get to the second waycastle Snow it is pretty Spartan and small.  Snow is positioned high above Stone so that defenders can rain down arrows on attackers.  This is why the Eyrie is considered impregnable.  The third leg of the journey is really windy and scary.  They even have to cross a gulf on a stone bridge.  Yikes.  I’m not even afraid of heights and that freaks me out.  They finally get to Sky the last waycastle.  After that they have to go on foot through a tunnel in the mountain to the Eyrie.  They get there after dawn.

  Cat is seen to the solar where Lysa is hanging out in her PJs.  It’s been five years since they’ve seen each other but younger sister Lysa now looks older, frumpier and fatter than Cat.  Lysa is super pissed that Cat brought a Lannister to the Vale.  It turns out she wanted Cat to avoid the Lannisters not fight them.  So why didn’t she say that in the first place?  Oh right, because she is crazy.

  Robert Arryn the sickly 6 year old with “the shaking sickness” presumably epilepsy enters the room.  Cat thinks he should hear the serious discussion they are having to prepare him for lordship but Lysa will not hear of it.  The Lysa calls the trembling little boy a baby, takes her boob out and STARTS BREAST FEEDING HIM.  A six year old.  Sorry to yell but, GROSS!    Robert expresses a desire to see Tyrion fly out the moon door, which is a door in the wall that leads to a plummet off of the cliff.

 

Eddard IX

  Ned and Littlefinger are in the brothel owned by Chataya.  Chataya is from the Summer Islands which is the ASOIAF equivalent to Africa or the Caribbean I think.  Anyway Chataya is black.  The culture is very sex positive which is pretty cool because the Seven is a lot like the more prudish Catholicism.  Their purpose for being there is that one of the prostitutes, a ginger, has a bastard of Robert’s.  A black haired baby girl named Barra.  Sensing a pattern here?  Ned is being a bit slow to catch on.

  Ned wants to know why Jon Arryn gave a crap about Robert’s bastards but of course Littlefinger is being abrasive.

  Ned leaves the brothel and almost immediately runs into a heap o’ trouble.  Jaime Lannister and his pack of red cloaked (Lannister guard) hoodlums are riding up.  Jaime is pissed off about the Catnapping and since Ned is the hand no more, he doesn’t feel particularly deferential to him.  Littlefinger tries to diffuse the situation but it doesn’t work.  Littlefinger, ever the brave and noble soul splits promising to bring the city watch.

  Jaime orders his men to kill Ned’s.  And so they do.  They kill them all, including poor Jory.  Ned is pinned, leg broken under the body of his dead horse.  Yikes.

 

 

 

 

Deaths in this recap: 1 R.I.P. Ser Hugh, we hardly knew you

Cumulative deaths: 11 The most important is Jory. We also lost Tyrion’s man Jyck and two Bracen men, Kurleket and Mohor

Betrayals in this recap: 1 Randyll Tarly. Fathers should not want to murder their sons.

Cumulative betrayals: 3

Incest incidents: 1 This is debatable, but I’m creeped out enough by Lysa breastfeeding 6 year old Robert to rank it an incest.

Cumulative incests: 3

My Lord of Ham

Book I am reading:  A Game Of Thrones

Chapters:  Jon V, Eddard VI, Catelyn V, Sansa II, Eddard VII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigot

 

Many apologies to my mostly non-existent readership.  My modem died and it took forever to get a new one up and running.  Because Comcast sucks.  I’ll be posting something either on Christmas eve or Christmas.  After all, nothing says ASOIAF like eating 77 course meals.  Anyways, on with it.

 

Jon V

  Jon and Dareon are sparring in the yard of Castle Black.  And who should walk in?  The fattest boy Jon ere did see.  The fur collar of his throat was lost beneath his myriad chins.  The horror!  I’d call GRRM out for fat shaming if he weren’t fat himself.  He really must be working some issues.  It’s a lot like V.C. Andrews and all the rapey brothers and fathers.  You know something was going on there.

  Pyp is skilled in reading where people are from and he can tell that fatty fat pants is a lordling who hails from somewhere near Highgarden (where the Tyrells are).  Predictably, Alliser Thorne is unimpressed and refers to him as “my Lord of Ham” and “Ser Piggy.”  Ser Piggy is the one that sticks but personally, I prefer Lord of Ham. 

  L of H, after being fitted with specially made giant armor has to fight Halder in the yard.  After less than a minute, L of H goes down.  Hard.  Everybody laughs and Alliser Thorne encourages Halder to beat him while he’s down and has yielded.  Jon’s sense of self righteousness kindness acts up and he protests.  This is not winning him points with Alliser.  Alliser is about to make Jon fight Halder, Rast and Albett (I think this is the only time we ever see Albett) but then, Pyp and Grenn decide to join Jon so the fight is fair.  For once Westeros is like typical fantasy lands and the good guys prevail.

  Jon helps L of H up and we learn who this mysterious HamLord is.  It’s Samwell “Sam” Tarly of Horn Hill.  We’ll meet his father Randyl later.  You won’t like him.  Poor Sam at least has the integrity to admit that he’s a coward.  Jon admires Sam for being honest about who he is and I agree with him.

  One night Jon joins Sam for dinner.  Sam is eating pork pie.  Is that symbolic cannibalism?  Jon wants to soul bond over their mutual angst so he suggests they go up to walk the top of the wall with Ghost.  Sam is scared and starts to cry.  Ghost acts like a cute sweet dog instead of a bad-ass direwolf and licks Sam’s tears away.  This causes them all to laugh and become buddies.  Jon talks about a recurring dream he has about the crypts of Winterfell.  This is undoubtedly foreshadowing and hints, but this is a recap not an analysis and I hate retelling dream sequences.  What it boils down to is there is probably an important secret down there and it involves Jon.  Now it is time for Sam to tell Jon about his upbringing.  It’s really sad.

  House Tarly is an old and noble house.  They are bannermen to house Tyrell, their sigil is a striding huntsmen, and they have a Valyrian sword named Heartsbane.  Randyll can not stand the fact that Sam is more interested in books, kitties and music than hunting and fighting.  For some reason in Westeros fat boys love cats.  Tommen Lannister Baratheon loves kitties too.  I guess that means I’m a fat boy?  Even though I’m a woman.

  Anyway, Randyll did everything he could think of to make Sam manly.  Including hiring the warlocks of Quarth (more on them in book 2) to make Sam bathe in the blood of freshly slaughtered aurochs.  JFC!  That’s insane!  Finally one day Sam is forced to get on his horse and ride into the woods until he meets Randyll.  Randyll, while skinning a deer tells Sam that he wishes his Sam’s younger brother Dickon would get the inheritance instead.  Sam’s choices are take the black or be killed in a “hunting accident.”  Wow.  Randyll makes the deadbeat dads of Maury paternity test shows look like father of the year.  Poor Sam.

  After this tale of woe, Jon goes back to the dining hall.  Rast and some other assholes are making fun of Sam.  Later that night, Jon and his friends sneak over to Rast’s cell and hold him down.  Ghost jumps on his chest and menaces him.  Jon reminds Rast that they know where he sleeps.  After that nobody is willing to bully Sam anymore.  Sam is touched.  Jon and Sam are now official bros.

 

Eddard VI

  King’s Landing is preparing for the tourney and having a small council meeting.  Janos Slynt (with a name like that you know he’s the worst) the commander of the gold cloaks, the guys who act as beat cops in KL is complaining about the uptick of crime.  There are sorts of strangers in town.  A woman’s head was even found floating in the pool at the Great Sept.  Ned promises him more men.  I think this scene is mostly there to establish Janos Slynt as a character.

  Ned is cranky because this tourney is proving expensive and troublesome.  Pycelle and Littlefinger disagree.  They view it as economic stimulus.  Renly takes this opportunity to mock the currently AWOL Stannis Baratheon for wanting to outlaw prostitution.  Trust me Stan.  That doesn’t work.  If I haven’t mentioned Stannis yet, he’s the middle brother between oldest Robert and youngest Renly.  Ned wonders when Stannis is going to scoot his ass off of Dragonstone and come back to court but nobody has an answer.  Everyone only wants to joke about whores so Ned adjourns the meeting.

  Ned is in his chamber reading the genealogy book Pycelle gave him and isn’t turning anything up.  Jory Cassell comes to the door and tells us that he interviewed some people LF suggested about Jon Arryn.  Nothing much came up except the information that Jon Arryn had been spending lots of time with Stannis.  One time they even went to a brothel together.  This info doesn’t compute because Stannis hates prostitution.  Is Stannis involved with Jon’s death?  Hiding because he knows too much?  The fictional analogue to Senator David Vitter Republican, LA?  Why was Renly not along for these hang outs?  Can Ned trust Renly?

  One of the leads suggested that they visit Tobho Mott, the best fancy armorer in town.  Jon and Stannis visited him previously. Tobho informs him that Jon + Stannis were there to see and question “the boy.”  The boy turns out to be a black haired, blue eyed (thanks mom for passing down that attraction!) buff teen stud named Gendry.  Gendry is really good at forging armor but he is quite surly.  Tobho knows who Gendry is and so does Ned.  Gendry is…Robert’s bastard! 

 

Catelyn V

  Catelyn and Rodrick, pretending to be regular folk stop at the Inn of the Crossroads.  When they go to dinner in the common room Catelyn sees a lot of soldiers the bannermen to her father Hoster Tully.  Yet Cat wishes to remain incognito.  They get stuck sitting across from an annoying singer named Marillion.

  There is some commotion across the room.  It turns out that Tyrion and his party who are headed to KL have stopped by.  Of course Marillion has to attention whore and shout at Tyrion requesting that Marillion sing for him.  Tyrion recognizes Cat.  Thanks Obama!

  Cat starts calling on all the bannermen’s soldiers she sees.  She has them reaffirm their loyalty to house Tully.  She then accuses Tyrion of the attempted murder of Bran and has him seized.  In the words of Tobias Funke; “now that’s an act break!”

 

Sansa II

  Sansa is at the tourney with Septa Mordane and Jeyne Poole.  Sansa is impressed by how fancy everything is.  Sandor Clegane and his terrifying and gigantic brother Gregor are the most macho and tough of the tourney.  Loras “knight of flowers” Tyrell is the most elegant and skillful.  Gregor aka “The Mountain” who is a 7 foot tall sociopath kills Ser Hugh of the Vale.  Hugh was one of Jon Arryn’s servants who was mysteriously knighted after his death.  He was one of the people of Littlefinger’s short list of people Jory/Ned should speak to.  Not that Sansa knows anything about this.  Ned keeps her out of the loop.  Good idea Ned!

  Anyway, Jeyne is extremely perturbed by this bloodbath but Sansa is strangely unmoved.  Take note Sansa haters!  Many think she’s a wuss, but this proves otherwise.  Later, Loras beats a Royce and gives Sansa a rose.  Sansa develops a big old crush.  Sansa lacks gaydar.  Littlefinger introduces himself to Sansa and creeps her out.  Joffrey, who had been mad at Sansa for the incident makes up with her.  After much eating and drinking that goes on for several paragraphs, Joffrey offers up Sandor as an escort home because Septa Mordane can’t hold her liquor and is passed out.  I hope nothing happened to her.

  The Hound is all grumpy with Sansa.  She calls him “Ser” and he must point out that he is no knight.  He mocks her for being a “little bird” trained to sing the right songs but not capable of critical thinking.  For some reason the Hound decides to act menacing and then turn around and tell Sansa why his face is burned up.

  Sandor was 7 and Gregor 12.  Sandor was playing with Gregor’s toy, a wooden knight.  Gregor did not play with action figures anymore, but all the same he was pissed.  He grabbed Sandor and shoved his face in the fire.  Ouch!  Now we know for sure that Gregor is an unrepentant psychopath.  Then Sandor tells Sansa he will kill her if she ever tells Joffrey or anyone else the tale.  This whole exchange is why I’m deeply disturbed by SanSan shippers.  Yuck.  The Clegane family has some serious issues.

 

Eddard VII

  Ned pities dead Hugh.  Also, his hackles were raised because Hugh died before Ned got a chance to talk to him.  Gregor is a Lannister creature.  He’s the one who killed Queen Elia and Prince Aegon.  This is a cause for suspicion.

  Ned is also worried because Robert wants to fight in the melee.  He is worried that Robert will be killed either accidently or in an assassination fashion.  Robert is in a rage because his armor won’t fit.  Ned points out that he’s too fat.  Robert tortures Lancel Lannister, Cersei’s cousin and some other squire by yelling at them to get a breastplate stretcher.  I wish that shit was real.  My bras could use them!  Alas, they don’t even exist in Westeros.  Robert was just taking the piss.  I’m not British.  I just love that phrase.

  Anyway, Ned is disturbed because Robert is surrounded by Lannisters.  That can’t be good.  Also, Cersei has forbidden Robert to fight.  Anyone who knows Robert knows this just makes him more into fighting.  He’s one of those dumbasses who always falls for reverse psychology.  Luckily, Ned and Barristan Selmy together convince Robert that it isn’t worth fighting because everyone would just let him win.  I can’t stress this enough.  Robert is a moron.  He would be in the tea party if he was alive today!  Robert is pissy and he takes the opportunity to whine about tough it is to be king.  Yeah right.  And it’s also super tough for me to be white.  All the tiny violins for you Robert!

  Later, in the tourney Jaime loses to the hound.  Littlefinger bet on Jaime and lost to Renly who bet on the Hound.  Renly remarks that it’s too bad Tyrion wasn’t there or he would win twice as much.  Remember that.  Littlefinger claimed that Tyrion bet against Jaime.  Renly thinks Tyrion would only bet for Jaime.  Of course, poor simple Ned never notices this contradiction.

  Then it is time for Gregor and Loras to square off.  Ned is afraid of Gregor.  For all of Ned’s lack of observational power, he at least realizes this guy is psycho as fuck.  Anyway, Gregor loses to Loras because Loras rides a mare that is in heat and Gregor’s boy horse gets distracted.  Gregor is about to murder Loras, but Sandor steps in and stops it.  The two brothers of craziness fight until Robert bellows at them to stop.  Loras in gratitude declines to fight Sandor for the title and forfeits the final match.  Later, Anguy from Dorne wins the archery contest and Thoros the red priest (more on that religion later) of Myr wins the melee.  Finally the stupid tourney is done.  I’ll be honest, this is one of the few parts of the books I get bored by.

  Later that night, Varys in disguise as a brown robed peasant sneaks up to Ned’s room to inform him that the Lannisters had indeed planned on killing Robert in the melee.  Varys also asserts that a colorless tasteless poison called the tears of Lys killed Jon Arryn.  However he does not know or pretends not know who did it.  Varys also says that Ser Hugh was killed for asking questions.  Uh, oh…

 

Deaths in this recap: 1  R.I.P. Ser Hugh, we hardly knew you

Cumulative deaths: 7

Betrayals in this recap: 1  Randyll Tarly.  Fathers should not want to murder their sons.

Cumulative betrayals: 3

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 2

 

 

Water dancing and Dothraki Sea prancing

Book I am reading:  A Game Of Thrones

Chapters:  Arya II, Daenerys III, Bran IV, Eddard V

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot noir

Arya II

  Everybody is talking about the tourney.  Sansa really wants Ned to let her go but Arya doesn’t have any fucks to give about it.  Sansa say she wouldn’t be wanted anyway and Ned tells them to stop fighting.  Arya sulks for a little while.  She’s still upset about Lady and Myah.  She storms off and locks herself in her bedroom.

  Arya digs in her trunk until she finds needle.  Because a totally normal stress response for a child is to go get a sword.  Fat Tom the steward tries to get her out, then Septa Mordane does, but Arya isn’t having it.

  Finally, as Arya is considering running away (cue the Soul Asylum song) Ned comes to the door.  Ned seems a little concerned that Arya has a real sword.  They end up having a heartfelt talk.  Arya blames herself for Mycah’s death and Ned assures her she isn’t to blame.  They hug and I swear I’m not crying there’s just dust in the air.  They both agree that Cersei and Joffrey are assholes.  For some reason they don’t include King Robert in the asshole parade.  Then Arya reveals that she had to throw rocks at Nymeria to drive her away.  NO.  NOT CRYING.  NOT ME.  NOT EVER ME.

  Ned tells Arya to remember that winter is coming and the Stark family needs to look out for one another.  He says one of my favorite quotes in the series “When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.”  I guess I’m just a commie like that.

  A few days later, Arya is summoned.  A mysterious man tells her he is her new dancing master.  Don’t worry, it isn’t an Abby Lee Miller thing.  He is a sword fighting instructor from the free city of Braavos.  His name his Syrio Forel and he is awesome.

Daenerys III

  The khalasar is riding through the Dothraki sea, a humongous swath of grasslands.  Dany tells Jorah to have everybody stay and wait for her while she goes off alone to explore the grasslands.  She reminisces about the beginning of the journey when she’s all sore from riding day in and day out, Drogo ignores all day and spends his evening drinking with his buddies.  Then he comes to her tent late at night for some rough sex that she doesn’t enjoy at all.  Nice.  She has some weird dream about turning into fire and the next day the pain is gone.  Riding is better and now the sex is more fun.

  Back to the present.  Dany is enjoying the scenery and I am reminded of the opening credits of Little House on the Prairie when they’re running down the hill.  All of a sudden, Viserys busts in Nellie Olson style in a bitchy mood and ruins the mood.  He’s enraged because she halted the khalasar and who is she to order him around?  He also doesn’t approve that she’s starting to dress like a dothraki.  He calls her a horselord’s slut.  What!?  Let’s just take a moment to remember that Viserys and Ilyrio were the ones to broker the marriage to Drogo.  She didn’t even want to do it.  What a toolbox.

  Viserys is all up in Dany’s face so she pushes him away.  This is the first time she ever defied him and he is uber pissed. He almost had to back up his tough talk, but luckily the Dothraki interrupt and Jhogo grabs Viserys with his whip.  That’s just amazing.  Viserys is crying and about to get choked right out but Dany calls Jhogo off.  For punishment Viserys has his horse taken away and he has to walk with the kids and old people.  Embarrassing!

  Jorah starts talking trash about how lame Viserys is.  Dany thinks of him as the last dragon but Jorah calls him a shadow of a snake.  It finally dawns on her that Viserys sucks and he would make a terrible king.  Not that it matters because he could never take the throne anyway.  That night, Dany finally makes Drogo look at her face while they’re doing it.  They did this outside in the middle of the camp.

  Non-doggy style sex must have magic fertility powers because she ends up preggers.

Bran IV

  Bran is watching Rickon and the wolves playing.  He is said because he’s paralyzed and can’t join in.  At least he has Old Nan who wants to tell him a story.  He likes scary stories so she tells him about the Others.  They came during a time thousands of years ago when it was night for a generation.  The Others were killing everyone.  The Last Hero sought out the Children of the Forest who were still alive and well in Westeros for help.  Nan doesn’t get to finish the story because Maester Luwin and Hodor interrupt.

  Hodor is a gentle giant with echolalia.  His name is really Walder but all he ever says his Hodor so that’s what everybody calls him.  Hodor hodored.  Luwin informs Bran that he has a visitor.  It’s Tyrion.

  Hodor carries Bran downstairs.  Robb is being gracious to the NW but frosty to Tyrion.  Tyrion mocks Robb by saying that Jon is more courteous and more like Ned.  Tyrion gives them plans for a special saddle that will allow Bran to ride horses again.  Rickon busts in and he has the direwolves with him.  The wolves all hate Tyrion.  Suspicious!  Robb and Bran call their wolves off.  Rickon eventually does too.  Robb starts to feel like an ass for being rude before.

  Later Bran has a nightmare about gargoyles.  It’s creepy.  When he wakes up, Hodor is looming over him.  Hodor takes him down to the great hall where dinner is happening.  Yoren informs Bran that Benjen is missing.  Because Yoren is super tactful he nonchalantly proclaims that Yoren must be dead.  Robb has no self control so he leaps up with his hand on the hilt of his sword and shouts “do you hear me?  My uncle is not dead!”  Yoren just says “whatever you say m’lord.” and goes back to eating meat,  Yoren rules.

  Later, Robb tucks Bran into bed and they’re sad together.

Eddard V

  Ned is visiting Maester Pycelle.  He starts yammering on about summers past like old folk always do.  Ned wants to know about Jon Arryn’s final days.  He got sick quickly.  His last words to Lysa were “the seed is strong.”  Pycelle says that he doesn’t think there is anything suspicious about the death and Lysa is just cray.  Then Ned asks about the book that Jon had borrowed from Pycelle just before he died.  He promises to have it sent.

  He leaves and runs into Arya who is practicing balancing on her toes.  They talk about Bran.  Arya wants to know if Bran will still get to be a knight.  Ned has to say no but he can do other things like build castles or become high septon.  Arya wants to know if she can do those things.  Ned is a patriarchal buzzkill and condemns her to a life of housewifeness.

  Later on, Ned gets a visit from Littlefinger.  LF gives him the names of some people Ned should interview.  He also points out to him some spies of Varys and some spies for Cersei.  He tells Ned not to trust anybody, including himself.  Of course Ned heeds that advice.  Psych!  No he doesn’t.

Deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative deaths: 6

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 2

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 2

All zeroes again.  Step it up George!

 

What are eunuch sexy times like?

Book I am reading:  A Game Of Thrones

Chapters:  Catelyn IV, Jon IV, Eddard IV, Tyrion III

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

Catelyn IV

  Catelyn and Rodrik arrive in King’s Landing.  Poor Rodrik has been seasick the whole time.  His beard got so stank from being puked on all the time that he had to shave them off.  I like GRRM’s attention to detail, it really makes the world feel real but you do not want to read these books while you eat.

  Cat starts to reminisce about Petyr Baelish nicknamed, Littlefinger.  He was her father Hoster’s ward.  LF is kind of a nouveau riche type.  He’s from a family that is noble but just barely.  LF has been climbing the ranks because he’s very smart.  He didn’t used to be though.  When he was a teenager he was a classic fedora clad nice guy.  He was hopelessly in love with Cat and challenged her fiancé Brandon Stark to a duel.  Brandon kicked LF’s pubescent ass and spared his life because Catelyn begged him to.  Brandon got killed by Aerys, Cat married Ned, LF was humiliated and the rest is really, really depressing history.

  Catelyn, having settled at an inn hears a knock on the door.  It’s some gold cloaks, the police force of the city.  They are summoning her to meat with LF.  It’s a little creepy, because it’s not like she posted on Facebook that she was coming to town.  He just knew.  A tip from me to you Petyr; stalking = gross.

  Catelyn finds Littlefinger fedoraing in a tower and wants to know why he thought it would be OK to summon her like a serving wench.  He appears contrite and blames Varys for being the creeper that knows she’s in town.  He informs her that Varys aka the Spider knows everything and has informants known as the “little birds” who tell him everything.

  There’s a knock on the door.  Speak of the spider!  It’s none other than Varys.  He’s wearing a gold robe over purple silk with pointed velvet slippers.  That’s some 1970’s Beverly Hills awesomeness.  Less appealing are his soft moist hands.  I reiterate, don’t read this book while eating.  Stinky cheese people will happen later. 

  Besides having a great fashion sense, Varys is a eunuch.  Hence the title of this post.  My friends and I wondered what happened during eunuch sex and speculated that instead of ejaculate there was a dry puff of air.  That is something I find hilarious, but unfortunately it isn’t true.  Stuff comes out, there just isn’t any sperm.

  Anyways…Varys gives Cat a bunch of platitudes about Bran and then he finally gets to the point and asks to see the dagger that was used to almost murder him.  LF claims not to know about this dagger.  Somehow I don’t buy it.  Cat busts out the dagger and dun dun dun!  LF says “it’s mine.”  It turns out that LF backed Jaime in a tourney.  Jaime lost to Loras Tyrell.  Tyrion, who had backed Loras won the knife from Littlefinger.  Oh, my!

Jon IV

  Jon is at Castle Black.  He’s training in swordfighting by sparring with all the other NW trainees.  They are total plebes and Jon is easily beating them.  This is turning him into a cocky prick. 

  Alliser Thorne who is responsible for training the noobs tells Jon that he ain’t all that.  It’s not that Jon wins.  The others lose.  Jon, who he derisively calls Lord Snow grew up in a castle and had a master of arms (stank beard Rodrik) training him.  All the other guys were peasants who never even held a sword.  Allisers animosity gives Jon the emos.  Jon also has a case of the emos because Benjen left Castle Black to lead a ranging beyond the wall and he wouldn’t let Jon go because he’s too green.  Bad ass armorer Donal Noye sets Jon straight about his snootiness.

  Jon goes up to the top of the wall to angst some more and he runs into Tyrion and they exchange some gossip.  Benjen has already been gone for a couple of weeks and there is talk about how a lot of rangers have been disappearing lately.  Tyrion remains skeptical about any supernatural explanations.

  Jon and Tyrion go back inside and find that Jon has been summoned by LC Mormont.  A raven has arrived with the message that Bran has woken up and is going to live.  This causes Jon to lighten up a little bit and be nice to his fellow recruit.  He offers to teach his usual opponent Grenn some of his tricks.  He also insults Alliser.  Alliser is not pleased.  This will probably come up again.

Eddard IV

  Ned arrives in King’s Landing all tired and cranky.  Sadly, being hand is a sucky demanding job and right away Grand Maester Pycelle informs him there’s a small council meeting.  Besides Pycelle, Varys, Renly and LF are there.  Ned doesn’t like any of them but he hates Varys the most of all.  He’s probably just jealous of Varys’ cool velvet slippers.  The guys all measure their penises make passive-aggressive quips.

  Ned asks where Stannis Baratheon is.  Stannis is Robert’s other brother.  The middle child between Robert and Renly.  Varys tells Ned that Stannis left for his seat on Dragonstone.  Dragonstone was the Targaryen’s seat.  It’s an island off the east coast and it was where they first settled after leaving their original homeland of Valyria.  After the rebellion, Robert granted Stannis Dragonstone.  No explanation is given as to why Stannis is left and it isn’t suspicious at all.

  Ned also asks when Robert will be joining them and everybody else thinks this is hilarious.  It turns out that Robert is a lazy fuck and he never bothers to do any of the work of day to day governing.  He just likes to drink, eat and sex prostitutes.  He’s also fiscally irresponsible and has out the crown in debt to Tywin Lannister and the Iron Bank of Braavos.

  Robert wants a huge tournament and party to be staged in honor of the Hand.  Ned is not pleased about the expense but nobody else cares.  The council meeting breaks up and LF starts walking Ned to some unknown destination.  LF is telling Ned that his wife awaits.  After some big complicated journey that involves climbing down a cliff (this will come up again), they arrive at LF’s brothel.

  Ned is about to kick Littlefinger’s ass Brandon Stark style at the very thought that Cat might be at a brothel, but it turns out she is there.  So is Rodrik.  They tell Ned everything that happened with Bran and the dagger.  Littlefinger pushes the notion of a Lannister conspiracy and Ned remembers how Tywin’s henchman crushed the skull of Rhaegar’s baby son Aegon.  He also remembers that Robert turned a blind eye as he did to Sansa’s wolf.

  LF points out that further proof is needed before any accusations are made.  He has promised to help them uncover the truth but Ned is sort of pissy and doesn’t trust Littlefinger.  Not that I blame him.  Catelyn wants to visit the girls before she leaves but Ned encourages her to leave secretly right away.  They part hoping it won’t come to war.  Awwww.

Tyrion III

  Tyrion’s visit to the wall has come to an end.  He’s with all the NW higher ups.  Tyrion gives Alliser a hard time and he gets butthurt and storms off  LC Mormont wants Tyrion to send back men from King’s Landing because there aren’t enough NW members  Mormont tries to impress upon Tyrion that some spooky shit is going down and the wall needs more men.  Tyrion isn’t very convinced but agrees to ask Cersei about it.

  Tyrion decides to look at the view from the top of the wall one last time and runs into Jon and Ghost.  Tyrion will be stopping back at Winterfell and Jon wants him to see if he can somehow help Bran, even if it’s just with kind words.  The wall is really spooky and Tyrion kind of understands why people might think inhuman creatures lurk beyond it.

  That was an incredibly uneventful chapter.  It was mostly Tyrion being witty.  Next time we will meet Sam for the first time.  That means lots of fat jokes, so we’ll have to see how I can recap without being an asshole who makes fat jokes.

Deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative deaths: 6

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 2

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 2

All 0s this post.  Disappointing!

 

Uh, oh. The Lady incident

Book I am reading:  A Game Of Thrones

Chapters:  Tyrion II, Catelyn III, Sansa I, Eddard III, Bran III

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigot

 

Tyrion II

  I want to start off by noting that my favorite ’80’s movie Troop Beverley Hills is playing on my TV as I type this.  That information is not terribly relevant but it will be the reason why my post could be extra stupid today.  Phyllis Neffler 4 life!

  Anyways, we join Tyrion as he journeys north along the Kingsroad to the wall.  It’s a cold sparsely populated wasteland.  Think eastern Montana.  At first the party is Tyrion, two Lannister men, Benjen and our favorite bastard Jon Snow.  Later, they meet up with Yoren who recruits new NW members.  By recruit, I mean he takes on criminals who would rather serve than be castrated or have their hands cut off.  Yoren’s recruits are rapers.  Not rapists, rapers.  What a great word.  I keep meaning to use that word in day to day life.  GRRMisms are the best.

  Tyrion observes Jon’s disappointment at the state of his future brothers.  Yoren smells awful and is lice infested.  The rapers smell worse.  Lovely.  Apparently nobody but Jon is dumb enough to sign up for the NW voluntarily these days.  Oops.

  We now learn that Tyrion has always been into dragons.  That could never possibly come up again.  The Red Keep in King’s Landing has the skulls of all the Targaryen’s dead dragons.  The oldest are the biggest.  The last living dragons were puny, only the size of mastiffs.  Dragon’s bones are black.  It’s strange to imagine and I’m not sure how that’s possible, but hey, fantasy!

  Tyrion teases Jon for clinging to the belief that the NW is a noble organization.  Is Tyrion dispensing some tough love or he is just being a jerk?  You make the call.  TYrion thinks it’s absurd that he feels guilty for almost making Jon cry.  I think Ty Ty might be a little off.  Isn’t it normal to feel guilty about making someone almost cry?  They also talk about dragons for a quick minute.  Hmm….

  After Jon gets upset, Ghost comes out of nowhere and almost rips Tyrion to shreds.  I guess the direwolves can be pretty dangerous.  More on that later.  Jon is nice enough to call Ghost off.  Somehow this makes Jon realize that Tyrion is just being honest.  Jon decides to just deal with things.  Even though Tyrion was being an asshole, it’s probably for the best after all.  Now they are friends.  This is about as close to heart warming as things ever get in Westeros.

Catelyn III

  Catelyn is still hanging out by Bran’s bedside all the time.  Maester Luwin wants her to attend to the business of Winterfell but Cat’s not trying to hear that.  It’s interesting to note here that she thinks of him as a “grey rat.”  Another character does this in ADWD.  Hmm.

  Luckily for Winterfell, Robb mans up and decides to become a true and grown up lord and take care of things.  Cue the old pull-ups commercials.  I’m a big kid now!

  Robb scolds Cat for not giving a crap about him, Rickon or anything else right now.  Damn Robb.  I thought you were a mama’s boy?  Bran’s wolf starts to howl.  Cat wants to leave the window closed because the sound is annoying.  Robb wants to open the window and let the sound heal Bran or something.  Shaggydog and Grey Wind start howling too and Cat starts to have some sort of anxiety attack.  Then Robb sees what the commotion is about.  There is a FIRE!!!

  The library tower is burning.  As an avid reader, this hurts me more than I can say.  Robb runs off to deal with it and Cat stays to look out the window.  She turns around and there is a strange man standing there.  Ew.  He is a carrying a knife and he remarks that no one was supposed to be there.

  The intruder tries to grab Cat and put the knife to her throat.  In a moment of pure badassery she grabs the knife and pulls it away.  Not giving any fucks that her hand is all cut up now.  Werk.  They struggle for a few more moments and then in yet another moment of badassery, Bran’s wolf leaps into the window and rips the intruders throat.  Good doggy!

  Catelyn begins to laugh hysterically.  Yikes.  That happens again later in less pleasant circumstances.  But now she now the direwolves are awesome so that’s good.  The lesson from this little episode is that helicopter parents are right.  I don’t want to think about that.

  Catelyn takes milk of the poppy and sleeps for four (!) days.  She wakes up good to go and ready to kick some ass.  She has a meeting with Robb, Rodrik Cassel, Theon and captain of the guard Hallis Mollen.  We learn that the intruder was not somebody from Winterfell so he most likely stayed and hung around after the royal party left.  He is mostly likely a Lannister man.  They wonder why anybody could want to murder a kid and conclude that he must know something.  They also notice that the knife was super fancy and made out of Valyrian steel and dragonbone.  Nothing a smelly poor would have.  The case for a Lannister hit grows.

  Cat makes them all swear to keep a secret and then reveals that Lysa believes the Lannisters murdered Jon Arryn.  Cat voices her suspicion that Bran was thrown from the tower.  Robb gets all overly manly and excited and draws his sword for no good reason.  Rodrik scolds him by saying “Never draw your sword unless you mean to use it.  How many times must I tell you, foolish boy?”  Rodrik is awesome and I propose we send him to Florida to tail George Zimmerman.

  It is decided that Cat will go down to King’s Landing to seek the truth of Bran’s attempted murder.  Rodrik will go with her.  They will take a boat and hopefully get there ahead of Ned.

Sansa I

  Sansa is excited that she is invited to ride in the wheelhouse with Cersei and Myrcella.  She is worried that Arya will be ill mannered and dirty and spoil things.  The fear is not without merit.  Arya is all dirty and gross and refuses to go ride with them.  Arya says “I don’t like the queen.”  You and me both honey.  Sansa however, is pretty scandalized by this.  Sansa gives up all embarrassed and pissed at Arya.

  When Sansa gets back to camp she sees that an escort has come from King’s Landing to escort them back.  I’m really not sure who’s in charge right now.  Littlefinger?  Two of the three escorts are pretty glam.  The third is really creepy.  The Hound sneaks up on Sansa (why?) and creeps her out even more.  Lady growls.  This causes all the dudes at the camp to laugh at Sansa.  Cersei makes Joffrey come to her rescue and tells everyone to shut it. 

  We learn the identities of the escort.  The creeper is Ilyn Payne, the King’s justice.  That’s fancy talk for executioner.  He doesn’t talk because he mocked mad king Aerys and that got his tongue ripped out.  The old dude is Barristan Selmy, Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, one of the best fighters in Westeros.  The young dude is Renly Baratheon the young, good looking and cocky youngest brother of King Robert.  Sansa saves face and charms by guessing Renly’s identity based on looks and clothes and accessories.

  It is decided that Joffrey will take Sansa riding.  She’s very excited on account of his dreaminess.  Yuck.  Joffrey gets Sansa drunk from wine.  Like me right now!  This scene gives me nostalgia for my first time smoking pot when I was 13 or 14.  Me and two friends were too paranoid to do it at one of our homes so we walked a mile or so away to Minnehaha creek and smoked under a bridge.  Then we sprayed ourselves down with Malibu Musk.

  Anywhoo…  Sansa is a bit tipsy and she and Joffrey get to the river Trident.  There they see Arya  and the butcher’s boy Mycah play sword fighting with wooden sticks.  Joffrey is a complete dick and pulls out Lion’s Tooth, his sword.  Even after Sansa identifies Arya and Mycah he still menaces poor Mycah.  He cuts Mycah on the cheek and Arya is pissed.  She tries to fight Joffrey with her stick and then throws a rock at him.    Mycah runs away.  Nymeria comes out of nowhere and bites Joffrey.  Go Nymeria!  Joffrey is humiliated and begs for mercy.  Arya runs away with Nymeria and Joffrey takes it all out Sansa and won’t talk to her.

Eddard III

  Both the Starks and Lannisters have sent search parties after Arya.  Luckily it’s the Starks who find her.    It’s been four days.  Arya is OK but being taken before the queen.  The royal party has taken over the Darry keep.  Ned and Arya reunite in the hallway in front of everyone.  It’s really touching and sad. 

  It seems that the little shit Joffrey has claimed that Arya and Mycah outright attacked him.  This is why everyone hates you Joff.  Cersei takes his side.  Robert seems annoyed.  He probably wants to drink or whore.  Arya tells her side of the story.  Ned calls Sansa up to testify because he knows her version corroborates Arya’s.  However, Sansa gets too scared and claims she can’t remember.  *Facepalm* 

  Arya gets pissed and calls Sansa a liar.  Cersei wants Arya punished but Robert isn’t having it.  Cersei instead demands that Lady be killed since Nymeria has vanished.  Robert agrees to that and ignores Ned’s pleas to save the innocent Lady.  Robert acknowledges that Joffrey is probably lying but he can’t be bothered to argue with Cersei.  This is why Robert sucks.

  Ilyn Payne is about to kill Lady, but Ned insists on doing it himself.  Cersei wants the pelt but Ned has the pelt taken back to Winterfell.  Good for you Ned.  Then Ned sees the Hound riding up with the corpse of Mycah.  This chapter is so depressing I’m not really able to make any funnies.  Sorry.

Bran III

  I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to recap a coma dream chapter. Here goes.

  Bran is falling.  A three eyed crow is telling him to fly.  The crow also says “Say, got any corn?”  For some reason, I think this is really fucked up. Especially since Bran actually has corn in his pocket.  What?

  Bran almost remembers Jaime but the crow says to set that aside.  Then the crow makes Bran looks down.

  He sees Winterfell and then he sees Cat and Rodrik on a ship.  He sees the after effects of the Lady condemning trial.  Three shadows are around them.  A hound, the sun armored golden guy and a creepy giant with nothing but darkness and blood underneath his helm.  Yikes!

  Then Bran sees the Dothraki sea and Asshai where the dragon eggs in Dany’s possession originated.  Then in the north he sees Jon cold in his bed at the wall.  He looks even further north into the heart of winter.  The crow tells Bran he has to live because winter is coming.  Finally Bran flies which wakes him up.  When Robb comes to visit, Bran informs him that the wolf is named Summer.

  Sorry to end on that weird chapter.  I’ll be back in a few days with some more fun stuff.  We meet eunuchs and dorky wall recruits.

Deaths in this recap:  2 (Lady and Mycah.  The guy who tried to kill Bran is never named)

Cumulative deaths: 6

Betrayals in this recap: 2 (Robert doesn’t stop Cersei from killing Lady, Sansa doesn’t back up Arya)

Cumulative betrayals: 2

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 2