Archive | January 2016

Shrinkage.

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot noir

Chapters:  Jon II,  Sansa II

 

Jon II

Jon’s now successfully infiltrated the Wildling camp and there’s motherfucking giants!  Riding mammoths!  Things are not looking so great for the NW.  They’re vastly outnumbered, who knows how many of them died in that Other/wight attack that was cruelly  cliffhung about 200 pages ago and the Wildling army has motherfucking Giants!  And Mammoths!  Hundreds of them!  The giants are about 10-14 feet tall and very hairy.  It looks like they’re wearing pelts, but they’re nude.  Just very, very furry.  They’re thick bodied and no necked.  Basically, they’re the ultimate bears.

Jon thinks of an old myth about Joramun blowing the Horn of Winter and waking giants from the earth.  I suppose this will be important later, but who knows?  The new entry into the series doesn’t seem to be coming anytime soon.  So.

One of the giants is older than the rest and rides the biggest mammoth.   His name is Mag the Mighty.  Jon asks Tormund if that’s the giant’s king and Tormund makes fun of him for being a “kneeler.”  Tormund is quite jolly and full of tall (I hope) tales about things like having sex with a woman who actually turned out to be a she-bear who looked like a woman and bit off half his penis.  Maybe the whole half member thing is a cover for Tormund having a smaller peen than he claims?  It’s like the north of the Wall version of George Costanza’s shrinkage.  This story gives Tormund a good segue into making fun of Jon for not doing Ygritte even though she totally wants to get up on his jock.  Unfortunately for Ygritte, Jon is trying to stick to his NW vows and keeps friendzoning her.  Nonetheless, she’s starting to wear him down and his boner, like winter, seems to be coming.

Thanks to Jon’s self inflicted sexual frustration, it takes him several pages into the chapter to start thinking much about his actual mission that Qhorin Halfhand gave him.  He’s not terribly good at gathering intelligence.  He thinks the Wildlings have all gone to the Frostfangs to find a weapon, spell, or power to break The Wall.  Something like the Horn of Winter perhaps.

Jon doesn’t particularly want to kill the Wildlings.  He’s growing to like them.  But he’ll do it and knows he might have to.  He takes note of how completely disorganized they are and believed that Mance is the only one he needs to kill.  They’re no army at all without him leading them.

But enough with boring military type stuff.  Ygritte’s come to chat Jon up some more.  She reminds him of Arya which makes it kind of disturbing that he’s sort of into Ygritte now.  No wonder there are Jon/Arya shippers.  Incest isn’t just for the Lannisters and Targaryens!

The rom com is interrupted by an eagle attack.  Yeah.  Some eagle just came out of nowhere and started attacking him in the face.  Luckily the eagle missed the eye before it flew off.  The eagle used to be Orell’s and Jon wonders if birds can hate.

They probably can!  But the implication is that it’s due to Orell being inside the eagle living his second life.

After that bit of drama, the Wildling party finally gets over to the Fist of the First Men.  It’s gotten increasingly cold and snowy as they approach.  Uh oh.  That’s never good.  They come upon a bunch of dead and mutilated horses.  There’s a bunch of ravens flying around at the Fist but Jon doesn’t know if they’re NW ravens or if they’re wild.  The snow inside the fist is pink from all the blood.  Jon wonders where Sam is and what he is.  The Wildlings being Wildlings, they’re looting the corpses.

Jon joins up with Mance who starts questioning him.  It’s obvious from the body count that Jon lied about how many NW men there were.  He’s forced to show their hand and tell Mance that Mormont was their leader and Bowen Marsh is in charge back in Castle Black.  Mance knows Marsh sucks and feels that the war is as good as won.

Still, even Mance is unsettled about the whole Others and dead people coming back thing.  He also has the sense to worry about Jon’s motives, I guess.  He sends Jon, along with Ygritte with Jarl and Styr and a few others to breach the Wall.  He’s sent away instead of killed because Ygritte implies that she’s caused him to break his vows.  This later compels her to get all creepy and rapey and pretty much tell him he owes her sex.  That’s where the chapter ends, so we’ll have to wait and see how far she’ll push that.

 

Sansa II

Sansa’s getting a makeover.  There’s no cutesy shopping mall montage though.  Cersei is the one who’s ordered that Sansa should get a new wardrobe that looks more womanly than childish.  The seamstress tells Sansa her bosom is as lovely as the queen’s and she shouldn’t hide it so much.  This leads Sansa to think about how now that she has boobs, she’s getting dirty old men staring at her.  I guess Westeros isn’t so different from the real world.  Ick.

Anyway, Sansa is understandably suspicious of the Queen’s sudden generosity.  She’s not yet suspicious of Margaery though.    She’s been hanging out with Margaery’s cousings Elinor, Megga, and Alla a lot.  They all actually sound like normal tween girls which is sort of refreshing.  Margaery has been taking Sansa hawking and calling her sister.  It’s all very sweet.

I unfortunately think we can all feel pretty sure this happiness isn’t going to last.

Sansa tries to convince Margaery that she shouldn’t marry Joffrey.  She’s concerned for her safety.  Margaery seems completely unconcerned though.  Is this naivete or is there a plan in place on the Tyrell side?  Time will tell.

It doesn’t occur to Sansa that there’s any kind of agenda with the Tyrell family, but she does worry that Joffrey will at some point hurt Marg and Loras will become Kingslayer part two.

She tells Ser Dontos, who she’s still meeting in the Godswood that she’s planning to marry Willas.  This is very distressing news for him.  Maybe because he’s a perv for her.  Maybe for other reasons.  He does make a point to remind her to wear that hairnet to the wedding.  He’s still planning on them escaping the night of Joffrey and Margaery’s wedding.  Sansa doesn’t want to escape.  She wants to wed Willas and move to Highgarden.  Dontos suggests they only want her because of her claim.  With Bran and Rickon “dead” she is heir to Winterfell.  Sansa denies it and afterwards stops meeting him.  But she doesn’t really forget what he said.  Yet she still fantasizes about a nice marriage to Willas and kids who look like her father, brothers, and Arya.  She’s choosing to remain optimistic.

Deaths in this recap: 0  Still none.  I remember this book being a lot bloodier!

Cumulative deaths: 86

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  8

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 25

Incest incidents: 0  Jon thinking of Arya and Ygritte as being a like is creepy but it doesn’t really count.

Cumulative incests: 25

 

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A Giant in a Love Dungeon

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot noir

Chapters:  Tyrion II, Arya II, Catelyn II

 

Tyrion II

Tyrion pays a visit to Varys.  He’s wearing peach silk but smells like lemons.  There’s some fan theories about sweet smells being associated with bad things happening or about to happen, so perhaps Varys is about to lie squared?  Peach-lemon kind of sounds like a failed Boone’s Farm flavor, so I won’t be surprised if something ungood happens.

Despite Varys’ penchant for colorful silks and sweet smells, his chambers are excessively barren and small.  He asks Tyrion if he’s mad at him for abandoning him after the battle and Tyrion says “it made me think of you as one of my family.”  I guess Tyrion is feeling back to his old snarktastic self!

Tyrion also confirms with Varys that Maester Pycelle has been restored to office.  Varys says it’s not Cersei’s doing, but rather the archmaesters in The Citadel in Oldtown.  They first said only they can unmake a Grand Maester, than they decided to name Maester Gorman – formally a Tyrell – as the successor.  This caused Tywin to hurriedly restore Pycelle.  Perhaps this is an early hint that the maesters are involved in some sort of conspiracy, or at least have an agenda.  As I’ve said many times before, GRRM kind of turns us all into tinfoil hat types.   Did Tywin play the maester Conclave?  Did they play Tywin?  Did neither occur and is Varys just playing Tyrion?  Option two is my favorite because that means a big, fun conspiracy is afoot.

Tywin has also restored the Kingsguard member Boros Blount.  This segues into Varys pointedly mentioning that Bronn has been asking lots of questions about Mandon Moore and wondering if Tyrion’s visit has something to do with this.  It seems nobody really liked Mandon, but he was from the Vale.  This makes me wonder if Lysa or one of the knights of the Vale were behind the attempted murder of Tyrion.  Cersei just seems like a much too obvious suspect, plus, she never implicates herself in her later POV chapters.

Tyrion denies that Mandon was the reason for his visit though.  What he wants is one last rendezvous with Shae before he sends her away because he can’t stand being near her but not being able to be with her.  Sigh.  This won’t lead to badness at all, will it?

They discuss how Tyrion is likely being monitored by Cersei and her people all the time.  Varys confirms that the Kettleblacks are definitely hers.  But we pretty much already knew that.  Varys advises that although more gold might win them back to Tyrion’s side, it probably won’t make a difference because they want to get more and better titles and Osmund Kettleblack wants to go where no non-Lannister has gone before, if you catch my drift.

BTW, when Varys is talking about all of this, t”he tip of his tongue runs across his lower lip like a shy pink animal.”  What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck?  Not the most pleasant imagery, is it?  I guess his GRRM is just warming up us up for the impeding arrival of the fat pink mast.

Tyrion, proving that ASOIAF is basically a soap opera for nerds, wonders if he can Cersei to do more than flirt with Osmund KB so that he can arrange for Tywin to walk in on them.  He can’t think of a way to achieve to this as of yet though.

Varys can’t stop giving Tyrion good news.  We learn that Janos Slynt has sons and they want to avenge his downfall.  Also Tyrion can’t go to brothels anymore because Tywin forbid it and all the brothel owners are buddies with Littlefinger.  Varys also says that Tywin has enlisted him to spy on Tyrion, but Tyrion figures that if Varys was going to get him killed, he would have done it by now.

Tyrion brings the topic back around to one truly important thing.  His penis.  They work out that the only safe place to have sexytimes with Shae is in Varys’ chambers.  Varys agrees to this and for some reason is not at all bothered by the prospect of other people fucking in his bed.

Later that night, it’s finally time for their romantic dungeon date.  Tyrion fancies himself up in his best clothes for the occasion.   Then he realizes that would be conspicuous and changes into everyday clothing.  He takes this opportunity to feel sorry for himself about how he won’t be tall and handsome, so it doesn’t matter what he wears.  I mean, I’ve had plenty of body image issues myself, so I was initially sympathetic.  But, yawn.  Does he have to this in every damn chapter?  Poor little rich kid.  Yep.  Definitely a soap!

On the way to Varys’ dungeon o’ love, Tyrion runs into Loras.  Tyrion pressures Loras into explaining why he’s chosen to become a Kingsguard at such a young age.  He mentions that he can’t be married and what about love?  Of course, he knows damn well about his relationship with Renly.  It’s a bit mean, if you ask me.  I guess compared to all the atrocities committed in this series, teasing someone about their dead significant other is peanuts.  But still.  It does bring about one of the best lines of the series.  “When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.”  Loras is of course not so pleased that he’s being mocked so Tyrion thinks of him as a prickly lad (gee, I wonder why!) and takes off.

Varys greets Tyrion at the door dressed as a woman for some reason.  Then he disappears.  Wat?  The only light in the room is a candle that smells like jasmine.  Again with the smells.  Anyway, they do it and then Shae calls him My Giant a bunch of times.  She says she thinks his missing nose scar is fierce looking, not ugly.  Sure.

Tyrion tells Shae that he thinks it’s safest to send her away and she gets all cranky and mean.  She starts making fun of Lollys for being scared she will be raped again.  Wow.  Making fun of a disabled woman’s rape trauma.  Nice.  I can see why Tyrion loves her so much!   The mean girling doesn’t bother Tyrion.  What does bother him is that she starts talking about that singer Symeon and how they’ve talking.  They have sex again anyway and she tells Tyrion that the secret passage in Varys’ chambers is under the bed.  I wonder if this will be important later?  To nobody’s great surprise, his resolve is weakened and Shae will stay in the Red Keep.

Later, Tyrion sends for Bronn and asks him to find Symeon.  Sounds foreboding.

 

Arya II

Arya is digging for some vegetables in a dead man’s garden when she and Hot Pie hear some singing.  Arya doesn’t think it’s the Bloody Mummers, but she’s still a bit freaked out so she has HP wake up Gendry.  There isn’t really anyplace to hide unfortunately. The dead man’s cottage has been burnt down.  The horses, HP and Gendry hide behind the remains of the cottage while Arya decides to hide by a tree.  She plans to kill the singer if he bothers her.

Of course, the singer turns out not to be alone.  They can tell that someone is hiding there.  One of them refers to the other as “Archer.”  The three men make some quips and loudly conclude that the hider must be an outlaw because an honest man would come out and decide to start shooting arrows.  So they have no choice but to show themselves.

After some more bantering back and forth it is determined that the three men are Anguy the Archer.  Tom of Sevenstreams AKA Tom o’ Sevens and Lemoncloak AKA Lem.  None of Arya and the party want to give up their real names.   Actually, we don’t even know Hot Pie’s real name.  Arya is Squab and Gendry is The Bull.  Arya insists that despite still wearing the Bolton sigil on her doublet, they belong to no one.  Lem says they are King Robert’s men.

Hot Pie stupidly asks them how far it is to Riverrun.  Tom says it’s a long ways upstream and offers to take them for a meal at a nearby inn.  The innkeeper Sharna is supposedly good to children.  Of course, Arya doesn’t really trust the seeming friendliness.  I can’t say I blame her.  In fact, it’s made clear it’s an offer they can’t refuse when Arya refutes the accusation she’s been stealing from the garden and Tom has Anguy take out his arrows and demonstrate that he is very, very good with them.

Tom continues to want to sing.  It’s awfully suspicious that they, despite not seeming to be powerful lords or anything, have absolutely no fear of being captured or killed by anyone.  They seem like they must be more than meets the eye.  Arya’s pretty desperate to escape, but there doesn’t really seem to be a way.

The inn features a picture of an old king on his knees.  Clearly this is the same inn where Jaime and Brienne just visited.   Sharna is extra snarky and sassy, but she does seem to be more or less friends with the three men and is willing to give hot food to Arya, Gendry, and HP.  It’s revealed that Tom, Lem, and Anguy are in fact, outlaws and Sharna’s husband did set up Brienne and Jaime.  But of course, Brienne didn’t go the way he sent her, so the outlaws never found them.

Dinner is served.  The bread is subpar and Hot Pie starts dispensing baking advice.  Tom wants to buy Arya’s horses and offers three golden dragons.  Well, not real dragons.  A parchment with an IOU on it.  Arya is not having it at all but knows they’re going to take the horses either way so she tries to trade for the boat that used to be the transport for Brienne and Jaime. Everyone just starts to laugh at her.  She wants to scream but starts to smile.  That makes me think she’s going to go all Bad Seed on them.  But Gendry interrupts them all, screaming because riders are approaching.  Did the Bloody Mummers finally track them down?

Apparently not.  Tom is unafraid.  It’s just some fellow outlaws.  But Arya has PTSD from her Harrenhal experiences still and she breaks Lem’s nose with her ale tankard and tries to make a run for it.  But it doesn’t work.  She’s restrained and one of the outlaws turns out to be Harwin from Winterfell.  She forgets her usual secretiveness and begs him to recognize her.  He finally does and reveals to them all that she is Arya Stark.

 

Catelyn II

Cat is still all penned up with her dying father.  She hears the kennels erupt into a frenzy of barking and knows that they’ve seen and/or smelled Grey Wind.  Therefore, Robb has returned.  Edmure has been giving her the silent treatment like only a bratty younger sibling can, but she figures Robb will agree to see her.

Hoster is still muttering about Tansy and asking for forgiveness and Catelyn has heard bits of pieces of arguing so she knows something is wrong other than just Jaime evading capture.  Some people, possibly some Freys rode off in a huff, trampling a Stark banner in the process.  They never came back.  It’s also been raining for four days straight.  Geez.  Catelyn’s chapters are so cheery they always make me want to curl up in a fetal position under the covers.  But I can’t type like that, so I’ll just drink more instead.

It’s probably not the first and won’t be the last time that gif makes an appearance round these parts.

Indeed, Robb summons her to the Great Hall.  Robb is surrounded by a variety of his allies, so this isn’t going to be a personal and intimate chat.  He seems older and more kingly since she saw him last.  In addition to Edmure, Blackfish and assorted Northern and Riverlands nobility, there is a strange older lady and two young women with a seashell sigil she isn’t placing.  She’s worried that Robb will hate her, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  He’s more worried that he’ll be in trouble with mommy.

Rickard Karstark on the other hand, is still hating.  Greatjon defends her by making a sexist remark about mother’s folly and women being made all stupid and weak and lady brained.

Robb on the other hand, forgives her because “we” follow our hearts.  This may not be going anywhere good.  Robb dismisses almost everyone but her, Edmure and Blackfish, and the people that Cat doesn’t know.  They turn out to be Westerlings.  They’re an old, but poor house.  Lannister bannermen.  The important ones are Lady Sybell and her daughter, Jayne.  Jayne is…

Wait for it…

Robb’s new wife!  Now, if you’ll remember, Robb pledged to marry a Frey.  This explains why a bunch of Freys flounced out of Riverrun.  She’s annoyed that he manipulated with all that love folly follow our hearts drivel.  She’s also freaked out because he crossed Lord Frey.

Poor Jayne is more than a little bit intimidated by Catelyn.  I don’t know if there’s anyone reading this who only watches the TV show and hasn’t read the books, but Jayne Westerling is very, very different than Talisa and I’m still not sure why they made such a drastic and unnecessary change, it’s probably the only thing that made me go all book purist.  *takes some deep breaths*  Okay.  Over it.  Moving on.

The Westerling party retires to their bedchambers because they’re tired and nervous and the plot necessitates that Cat is able to speak freely to Robb for a bit.  She wastes no time in bringing up that he’s lost the Freys.  I know there are a lot of Catelyn haters out there, but not me.  I am so with her on this one.  He’s traded a thousand knights and three thousand foot soldiers for fifty measly Westerling men.  Only a dozen knights.

Robb’s explanation?

“I took her castle and she took my heart.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Of course, that’s kind of just a euphemism for they had sex because he was sad about his brothers “dying.”  Maybe I should give him a pass.  BUT I JUST CAN’T.

Robb is stubbornly clinging to the delusion that Lord Frey will be reasonable if only Robb makes some good matches for his daughters.  Catelyn points out that he is absolutely not reasonable, but he doesn’t seem to want to hear that.  Another troubling development is that Grey Wind is all penned up because Jayne fears him.   Grey Wind doesn’t like Lady Sybell’s brother Rolph and  constantly bares his teeth at him.  Cat is smart enough to be very worried about that.  Robb, not so much.  She still remembers Summer fiercely protecting Bran.  She tells him to send Rolph away, but he dismisses her.  Gah!  He does finally promise to do it, but it’s just to appease her.  He doesn’t agree that the direwolf instinct is all that significant.

Time for a change of topic.  Not one that will be any happier I fear.  Blackfish pretty much tells Edmure he should shut the fuck up and stop boasting about his “victory.”  Robb had been trying to lure Tywin west and Edmure bungled it all up by fighting him.  If Stannis had been drawn away from King’s Landing, Stannis would have won the battle.

Oops.

Deaths in this recap: 0  Wow.  Still?  This isn’t the GRRM we know and love!

Cumulative deaths: 86

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  8

Betrayals in this recap:  1  Robb betrayed his cause by going back on his word IMO.

Cumulative betrayals: 25

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 25

 

The Shade of it All

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

Chapters:  Bran I, Davos II, Jaime II

 

Bran I

We open with Summer’s perspective as Bran is warging him.  He displays some sort of psychic ability that the other Starks and their wolves don’t have.  At least not yet.  He/they senses that Shaggydog is near but getting farther away.  I’m not sure how I should write about the wolf dream segments.  If it’s he and she to represent the human character or if it’s they.  A World of Ice and Fire says that the warg and the wolf’s spirits are mingled.  So I don’t think it should be viewed as a possession of the direwolf’s body.  So maybe it should be they?

Anyway, Summer/Bran can feel the presence of all the wolves in the pack except for Lady.  Their tail droops when they think of her.  Sob!  For some reason this makes me sadder than when any of the strictly human characters are thinking about their dead or missing relatives.  It’s kind of like Independence Day when the only part that got me distressed was when it looked like the dog might die.  Does that make me a terrible misanthrope?

Bran/Summer find a pack of regular non-dire wolves eating a deer and they fight them and steal the prey.  What a total alpha move

They should write a pick up artist blog!

Or not.

Hodor says “Hodor” and his Hodoring pierces through the warg trance just as Bran/Summer is about to feast on deer entrails.  Hodor Hodors so insistently that Bran finally wakes up even though he’d rather eat.

The group is at the ruins of a tower.  Jojen is concerned because Bran was gone so long.  He keeps telling Bran to do specific tasks while he’s warging and he never remembers to.  Jojen make Bran say his name and title.  He’s concerned that Bran will get lost in Summer and he informs him that he’ll get no sustenance from the catches he makes while in Summer.  He’ll have to settle for eating the frogs that Meera catches.

Jojen and Meera start arguing about what to do next.  Jojen wants to move on.  Meera thinks they’ll be safe in the abandoned tower because it’s in the middle of nowhere.  Bran wants to go to Last Hearth to hook up with the Umbers or White Harbor to seek refuge with the Manderlys.  Hodor just wants to Hodor and he does it so much that Bran asks him to take it outside.  Jojen doesn’t think he’s an adequate teacher for Bran and that to truly become the Winged Wolf and fly, they need to find the Three Eyed Crow.  Bran is convinced and they make the decision to go north beyond the Wall.

 

Davos II

The ship Davos is on is arriving at Dragonstone.  He sees a wisp of smoke and is not sure if Melisandre is burning more people or if Dragonmont is restless.  Every time I read these books, I get more convinced that Dragonstone is an active volcano and will blow by the end of the series.

The typically kindly Davos is still consumed by thoughts of taking vengeance against Melisandre.  He wants to cut her heart and burn it.  Yikes!

Another very important fact is that he still has dia.  This time from eating too much rich food like lampreys and snails.  He’s also too weak to stand for a long time and keeps coughing up bloody phlegm.  I’m sure the vengeance campaign will be totally successful.

Davos has been getting filled in on the end of the Battle of Blackwater by the ship’s crew.  Including the bit about Renly’s shade being spotted.  That means his ghost.  But I guess because Renly was gay and was known to have great fashion sense, I just keep thinking about Rupaul’s Drag Race.

When Davos gets to shore he wants to see Stannis immediately.  The Captain of the ship informs him that nobody sees the Great and Powerful Oz Stannis.  He’s going to have to go see Salladhor Saan instead.

Salla invites Davos to work for him but Davos says his duty is still with Stannis.  Salla informs him that Stannis has changed.  He’s become a creepy hermit and will see no one but Melisandre.  There are rumors that there are fires burning down in the mountain and Stannis and Mel go to watch the flames together.  There are chambers so hot that only Melisandre can walk in them unburned.

Davos reveals his desire to stab Melisandre and Salla is like, get a grip.  He pretty much tells Davos to just go to bed because it’s dangerous to even talk about things like this.  Salla informs him that Melisandre has been burning anyone even remotely traitorous to Stannis.  Davos figured this was the case go.  He thinks his life was only spared by the Gods so he could kill Mel.  Salla, not wanting to get into trouble, pretty much tells him to GTFO.

Davos walks through the streets and it’s all abandoned and creepy.  He gets to the castle gate and whoever the gatekeeper is has heard Davos is dead and doesn’t know any of the people Davos knew from before.  Finally, Davos is admitted and taken around the back and into the garden.  He’s met there by Shireen, Edric Storm, and Patchface.  Patchface sings “Fool’s blood, king’s blood, blood on the maiden’s thigh, but chains for the guests and chains for the bridegroom, aye, aye, aye.”  Patchface is psychic and very creepy.   This is a prophetic song.  It’s not from Davos’ plot so he doesn’t think it’s all that interesting though.

I think this is the first time we’ve met Edric.   He’s one of Robert’s bastards.  His mother is a Florent, one of Stannis’ wife’s relatives.   Another Florent is afoot.  Ser Axell Florent.  He had been the castellan of Dragonstone last time Davos saw him.  He’s come to bring Davos to the dungeons.  Oh, the shade of it all.

 

Jaime II

Jaime, Brienne, and Cleos come upon a riverside inn.  It’s called the Inn of the Kneeling Man.  It’s named this because it’s the spot where the last King in the North (until Robb that is ), Torrhen surrendered to Aegon I.  This makes Jaime feel extra smug and douchey.  Business doesn’t exactly seem to be booming and the party is greeted with a crossbow.  It turns out the innkeeper is long dead and the inn is being occupied by some dude, his wife, and a teenage boy they’ve taken in.  The boy is the one with the crossbow.  They do agree to feed the trio.

The parties are exchanging news.  The not-innkeeper only has old gossip.  The last he heard, Stannis is outside the walls of King’s Landing.  He advises against the King’s Road and is skeptical that Brienne can protect her prisoner being just a woman and all.  This annoys her, of course.  She tersely tells him she’s planning on continuing to transport Jaime via the Trident.  But apparently, that’s no good either.  The river is plugged up with wrecked ships and the Lightning Lord and his outlaws are causing all sorts of trouble.  He recommends going over land and avoiding the main roads.

Brienne buys some horses from the innkeeper.  She has to strike off Jaime’s ankle chains in order for him to properly ride.  I don’t know why she doesn’t just make him ride sidesaddle.  Instead of staying the night, they start out that evening.  Against the advice of the not-innkeeper, Brienne leads them on one of the roads, fearing he might have been leading them into a trap.  Jaime’s sort of starting to admire her.  He thinks her ugly, but clever.  I guess that’s progress?

When they stop for the night Brienne and Jaime get to bickering again.  He wants to know why she hates him so much.  Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe because you keep calling her ugly and a wench?  Just a thought.  However, she says it’s because he didn’t keep his knight vows to protect the weak and because of that whole kingslaying thing.  She apparently doesn’t know about the twincest.

Jaime starts having some memories.  Tywin turned down all sorts of marriage offers for Cersei because he wanted to either wait for Elia to die and Rhaegar to become single or for Viserys to get old enough for betrothal.  Jaime on the other hand, was about to be married off to Lysa Tully.  At least, according to Cersei.  Who knows if that’s even true.  Cersei used this info to manipulate Jaime into becoming a Kingsguard so he could stay in King’s Landing and be near Cersei all the time.  Of course, Tywin mucked up their plans by resigning as Hand and taking Cersei back to Casterly Rock.

Of course, Jaime doesn’t tell her all of this.  He only uses the fact that they both have reps as kingslayers to mock her.  He doesn’t really believe her story about the shadow.  Of course, this just pisses her off even more.

That night, Jaime dreams about Aerys and the day he killed him.  He recalls sitting in the iron throne and waiting for someone to come along rather than proclaiming a new king.

Then Brienne kicks him awake.  Oh, the shade of it all!

Deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative deaths: 86

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  8

Betrayals in this recap:  0

Cumulative betrayals: 24

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 25

Still nothing new in the numbers.  Maybe next week!