Archive | June 2017

Is that a horn in your tent or are you just happy to see me?

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Cab-Sauv

Chapters:  Jon X, Arya XIII, Sam IV

 

Jon X

Surprise, surprise.  The chapter opens with Jon emoing.  He’s thinking he will today and reflecting on how he’s probably failed in his life mission to prove that bastards aren’t inherently treacherous and bad.

He’s spent the last several days on ice.  Literally.  He’s been in the ice cells.  Janos Slynt and Alliser Thorne had intended on hanging him, but Aemon intervened and tattled on him to Cotter Pyke, who is in command at Eastwatch-by-the-Sea.   I still think the name Eastwatch-by-the-Sea sounds more like the name of a New England bed and breakfast with a picturesque lighthouse in the vicinity, not an outpost next to grim and icy waters.

Mance Rayder wants to parlay with the Nightswatch, but because he isn’t stupid, he doesn’t want to go them.  Thorne and Slynt are sending Jon as an envoy figuring he’s all buddy-buddy with Mance and of course, hoping Mance will Jon instead.  They aren’t really sending him to make terms.  They tell him they’re sending him to kill Mance.  It’s basically a death sentence.  Even on the off chance he succeeds, the other wildlings will kill him.

Jon gets to the other side of the Wall.  He walks through the ruins of the battle.  A raven is perched on top of the head of a giant.  The raven screeches “Snow, snow” at him and flies away.  Is that a good omen or a bad one?

Tormund comes out to meet him.  He tells Jon that if he wants to switch sides again, he might as well forget it

Tormund is actually in pretty good spirits.  He always is.  Jon tells him about how a one armed blacksmith named Donal Noye was the one to slay the giant Mag the Mighty and Tormund toasts to both Noye and Mag and says that Mance will probably make a song about their fight.  They also toast to Ygritte.  This gives him a chance  to emo again about how she died bravely storming a castle and he’ll die a turncloak and a killer.

They get to the camp.   Mance is hanging out outside the tent.  He’s accompanied by Harma Dogshead and Varamyr Sixskins, the skinchanger.  Varamyr is accompanied by his shadowcat and two wolves.  Regular, not dire.  Yeah, Jon is screwed.

Harma wants to kill him and Varamyr says some told ‘ya so stuff about never liking Jon.  We get a bit of skinchanger lore.  When Orell died, he went to live inside his eagle and started fading away in there.  So Varamyr skinchanged into the eagle instead and now Orell is part of him whispering about how much he hates Jon.  Creepy!  It’s like a skinchanger Borg.

Skinchanger Borg has flown to the south side of the Wall and has seen that the Watch is in a pretty bad way.  Things are looking bad for both Jon and the Watch.  I sure hope some deus ex machina comes along and aids them…

Inside the tent Mance’s lady friend Dalla is in the early stages of labor.  Her sister Val is holding her hand.  They will stay for the meeting and that’s not at all awkward that she might give birth in front of an enemy’s envoy possibly while he’s killing the babby’s (typo and it stays) father.

Mance seems fairly unconcerned.  He has something to show Jon.  His big, giant warhorn.   No, that’s not a euphemism.  It’s an actual horn.  Eight feet long.  Black with gold runes.  A very one ringish prop.   Mance claims it is the mythical Horn of Winter.  The horn that can supposedly bring down the Wall.  Jon asks why they bothered with a battle at all.  Dalla is the one to answer.  She says sorcery is a sword without a hilt and there is no safe to grasp.  That’s…ominous.

More ominous still, the talk turns to the Others.  Mance says none of wildling races, including the giants have figured out how to defeat them.  He admits this entire war is about hiding behind the Wall.  There will be no where to hide if the Wall comes down.  Mance wants the Watch to open the gates and let them pass.  In exchange, he’ll give them the horn.   Jon asks if Mance will be able to keep his Wildlings peaceful and lawful.  Mance scoffs at that.  Jon asks what will happen if they refuse.  He knows there’s no way Thorne would agree to any of this.  Mance says Tormund will blow the horn in three days.  Jon is trying to figure out if he should try and make a move on Mance when they are interrupted by warhorns of the regular variety.

They rush outside.  Something is coming from the east.  Jon fears it’s the Others but Mance says they never come when the sun is up.  Varamyr can see via eagle what’s coming.  It’s men on horses.  Men in steel and black.  Mance and the wildlings think it must be the Watch pulling a sneak attack.  Jon is baffled because he’s not heard any such thing.

The wildlings go out to meet their enemy.  Well some of them do.  Some are fleeing.  The news comes to the camp that there’s a ton of men and they’re coming from the north too.  Mance leaves Varamyr to guard Jon.  Varamyr is still watching from the eagle.  He sees golden banners.  Then he throws his head back and screams.  Then Jon sees the eagle on fire and falling from the sky.  Varamyr is writhing on the ground.  His shadowcat flees the scene while his wolves start fighting each other.   Val comes out to find out what’s going on and says that Dalla is now giving birth.  Everything is chaos.

Jon hears trumpets.  He wonders if Robb has returned (I guess he hasn’t learned of his death yet?  Or he’s delusional?) or if King’s Landing sent help.  The battle continues all around them.  The Wildlings are mostly losing.  A lot of them are fleeing.  But the giants are doing some damage to the mystery army.  Jon still can’t tell who the yellow banners belong to.   Shortly the Wildlings break.  Jon sees that someone has killed Harma and put her head on a pole.  That’s what you get for being a dog murderer!  Finally Jon sees that it’s a Baratheon banner and hears knights chanting “Stannis, Stannis!”

 

Arya XIII

Sandor and Arya come to an inn.  Arya recognizes it as a place they had stayed on trip to King’s Landing from Winterfell.  It’s come under new management since the war.  Arya doesn’t recognize the innkeep.  She does however recognize some of the guests.  Three  Lannister soldiers.  Polliver is one of them.  He recognizes The Hound who seems unconcerned and just orders some wine.  The other two are a squire and Tickler, the main torturer at Harrenhal.

Polliver and Sandor do some tough guy posturing type of things with each other.  Polliver tells him that if he’s looking for Gregor, he’s gone to King’s Landing.  He also tells him that Joffrey is dead.  Arya is surprised that she’s not happier about this news.

Polliver tells him more news.  I’m not sure why since they were acting all bar room brawly a couple of minutes ago.  I guess it’s just a method of exposition delivery.  Arya gets to find out that Sansa was married to Tyrion and is now suspected of regicide and has disappeared.  Blackfish is under siege at Riverrun and most of the riverlands are in Lannister/Frey hands.  The only fighting is around Raventree where the Blackwoods are still staying loyal.   Then they drop the real bombshell.  They found Arya and are giving her to the Boltons.  Sandor thinks this is pretty hilarious.  Arya is just confused.

Sandor asks if there are ships at Saltpans but Polliver says he doesn’t know, he just knows that Randyll Tarly took Maidenpool and locked up it’s previous lord, Mooten.

Finally we’re done with the exposition and the smackdown begins!  Sandor is drunk and is losing the fight.  The Tickler is stabbing Sandor.  Arya stabs the squire and takes the knife that the Tickler had thrown and lodged in the wall earlier.  The Hound is just about done for, sitting in the corner bleeding.

Or so it seems.  He kicks Polliver in the shins and slices upwards, catching him in the face and practically beheading him.  The Tickler is starting to scared.  He’s ignoring Arya, so she takes the opportunity to stab him in the back!  She repeats all the questions he used to give while torturing people to death.  She keeps stabbing him past death, until Sandor pulls him off.  The squire is still alive.  Sandor says he’s as good as dead though.  He’s been stabbed in the bowels.  He makes Arya mercy kill him.

They leave the inn and make camp later that night.  Oh, and Arya has recovered Needle from Polliver!  Sandor has Arya pour hot wine into his wounds to sterilize them.  She dresses the wound.  When it comes time to sleep, her kill list is shorter.  It is then she wonders if it’s true that Sansa killed Joffrey.  She wishes she could have seen or done it herself.  Don’t we all?  She goes to sleep and has a wolf dream.

The next day, the Hound is weak and sick from his wounds.  Before night falls, they have to stop.  He’s dying and wants her to mercy kill him.   But she won’t do it.  She tells him he doesn’t deserve mercy and leaves him.

Six days later, she finds Saltpans.  There are three ships there.  She has no money so she has to sell Craven the horse.  The woman who buys him gives her only a small amount though.  She knows a pitiful and ragged girl like herself must’ve stolen or found her, so she’ll turn her in for stealing or take what she gives her.

Arya goes to the biggest of the three ships and offers the captain her purse to take her to the wall.  He’s not impressed with the amount of money she has.  The captain doesn’t want to go north as it only has ice and pirates.  He says they’re going home to Braavos.  That’s when Arya takes her iron coin the Jaqen had given her out.  She says “Valar morghulis” to him, just like Jaqen had said to do.  This prompts the captain to answer “valar dohaeris” and offer her a cabin.  Arya is taking a little trip abroad.

 

Sam IV

Gilly is nursing Dalla and Mance’s baby.  She says he sucks harder than her own baby.  Not touching that one.   I guess Dalla has died but my drunkish ass missed where it says so.Jon is watching and smiling, but in a sad and emo type of way.  This is how we learn that Sam and Gilly have arrived safe at Castle Black, shortly after Stannis ex machina arrived.

Mance is captive, a thousand of his best fighters were slain and the rest of the Wildlings have scattered.  Castle Black is chaotic because it’s all messed up from all the fighting, and it’s all full of Stannis’ men.  Castle Black has a tower, called the King’s Tower that is set aside for visiting kings.  This is the first time it’s been used in living memory.

Val wants to see Mance and let him meet his son, but the only one allowed to see him is Maester Aemon.

Jon and Sam are walking together.  Jon can tell Sam doesn’t just like Gilly, he like likes her.  Jon tells him that he cannot keep her.  Sam knows this and thinks it might be best to send Gilly to his home, Horn Hill and tell his family that her baby is his bastard.  Sam thinks his mom would like the baby and his dad would like the proof that he isn’t gay or something.

They talk about the turncloak allegations.  Sam assures him that very few actually believe it.  They talk of the upcoming Lord Commander election.  Alliser was losing so he’s backing Janos Slynt.  The other main candidates are Cotter Pyke and Denys Mallister from the Shadow Tower.  Jon emos about how no one loves him and he has no family.  Sam wants to tell him that he met Bran, but keeps his word.  Jon goes to train in the practice yard with some of the newer recruits.

They have an election choosing later.  Two thirds of the vote is needed.  Janos Slynt gets the most votes.  Why?  Who would vote for that?  I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised.  If people will vote for Donald Trump, they’ll vote for anyone.  Even still, he doesn’t get his two thirds.

Later that night, Sam, Pyp and Grenn are discussing the choosing.  They’re all desperate to keep Slynt from prevailing.  Sam says they need someone else besides the current candidates that everyone could get behind.  It sounds like he’s pulling a Kristy from the Babysitter’s Club and getting a great idea!  Stay tuned to find out what that not at all painfully obvious idea is.

 

Deaths in this recap: 4.  Dalla, Harma Dogshead, Polliver, Tickler

Cumulative deaths: 147

Maybe deaths in this recap: 1, The Hound

Cumulative maybe deaths:  13

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 36

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 28

 

 

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Butcher Kings and Sad Peens

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot noir

Chapters:  Daenerys VI, Jaime VII

 

Daenerys VI

Having conquered Meereen, Dany is sitting out on the terrace garden of the great pyramid eating breakfast and looking over the city.  The battle happened off page, but Dany’s people led a slave rebellion.  She had nailed 163 slave masters to crosses, just the same as they had done to the little slave children.  The rest of the masters were spared.  She had felt righteous at first but later feels guilty.

She tells herself she did it all for the children and gets ready to go hold court.

All of her inner circle are in the throne room.  She wonders who will betray her next and thinks the other two heads of the dragon, whoever they are will be the only ones she can trust.  I see the paranoia of her father is setting in.

She complains about all the flies in the city.  Daario points out that corpses breed maggots and maggots breed flies so she orders Grey Worm to see that the corpses from the sack are removed.  You’d think for the smell alone she’d have wanted the corpses gone, but I guess not.

First visitor is a man named Ghael.  Sounds like the next trendy name for boys in the suburbs but he’s an envoy from Astapor representing the new king Cleon.  She had left a council to rule their but Ghael claims they were caught scheming to bring back slavery and Cleon executed them for it and was named king.  Missandei tells Dany he had been formerly a slave who was a butcher.  A butcher king doesn’t seem to bode well.

Ghael claims that Yunkai is plotting against her and wants to make an alliance between Astapor and Meereen.  He wants to seal this an alliance with a marriage between Cleon and Dany.  She says she’ll consider it but I think we all know that’s going to be a big NO.

The next visitor is a Qartheen ship master.  He tells a different story.  He says Astapor is a famine stricken cesspit and Cleon AKA King Cleaver is seizing young boys and attempting to make new Unsullied.  The Qartheen wants slaves.  Daario says several of the freed slaves want to sell themselves to go live in Qarth.  She says they can sell themselves but not their children or wives and Dany will get a tenth of the price from the Qartheen.

After these meetings, she has Belwas fetch Barristan and Jorah for her.  This will be the first time she’s seen them since their past dishonesty had been revealed to her.  She questions Barristan about why he bent the knee to Robert after the rebellion.    He said it’s because Viserys was a horrible little brat who was about to turn just like Aerys and wasn’t fit to rule.  Dany had been under the impression that the nickname Mad King was a lie, but Barristan tells her the truth.  He said he waited to reveal himself because he wanted to make sure she was sane.  He promises to serve her faithfully for the rest of his life and she decides to formerly swear him into service as he’s very knowledgeable about the history of Westeros and how King’s Landing works.

Jorah on the other hand, just whines a bunch and tips his fedora at her.  He admits that he had even sent a report when they were in Qarth.  Barristan rats him out about how he told Varys when she became pregnant.  He pleads for her forgiveness and says he loves her but she cannot forgive him and he is exiled.

The next day after a restless night, Dany informs her people (minus Jorah) that she planned to stay and rule Meereen rather than march.  Because how can she rule the seven kingdoms of Westeros if she can’t manage one city?  I’m sure the people of Meereen would be flattered to know they were being used for Queen practice.

 

Jaime VII

Tommen is signing a bunch of papers that Kevan is giving him during a small council meeting.  Jaime is bored and sore from trying and failing to fight with his left hand.  He’s been practicing with Addam Marbrand.  Jaime sucks at fighting left handed so he’s pretty depressed.

Most of the papers are giving land to Lannister allies and taking it away from enemies and a bunch of pardons.  Including one for the Westerlings.  Hmm…  One legitimizes Ramsay Bolton formerly Snow and makes Roose Warden of the North.

Finally he can’t take it anymore and asks for leave to go.  Outside he runs into Steelshanks.  He’s about to leave for Winterfell with “Arya Stark.”  She’s a young girl, hollow eyed and frightened.  A little too old and tall to be Arya.  So who is this mystery girl?  Jaime doesn’t know or care.

He passes the area where Gregor and Oberyn had dueled.  Gregor has indeed been poisoned by Oberyn’s spear it seems.  He’s still alive but not healing at all and he spends all night and day howling.  His veins are turning back and when Pycelle tries to leech him, the leeches die.  Do I need to post a Grumpy Cat meme here?  It seems trite in the year 2017.

Oh, what the hell

Whether it’s cliché or classic, it works.

Jaime returns to his bedchamber and finds Cersei waiting for him.  He thinks some lusty and twincestuous thoughts but Cersei is just there to complain.  She’s been kicked off the small council by Tywin and about to be sent back to Casterly Rock and she wants Jaime to convince him to let her back on so she can continue to be the second biggest helicopter parent in Westeros after Lysa.  Predictably, she’s also not thrilled about Tommen’s betrothal to Margaery.

Somehow the subject of the attempted murder of Bran comes up.  Cersei denies involvement in it and doesn’t think Joffrey was either.  FWIW, I don’t think it was Joffrey either!

She wants Jaime to offer to leave the Kingsguard in exchange for Tywin agreeing to let Cersei stay and not marry her off.  He says no but suggests she tells Tywin that they’re going to have a Targaryen style incest marriage.  She doesn’t want to do that so she tries to sex him into going along with her.  Shockingly, he turns her down as it’s not safe to do it there.  Cersei responds by asking if his manhood was hacked off in Harrenhal and says she doesn’t know why he would have the courage to protect Tommen when he didn’t avenge Joffrey.  Yeah, she’s still mad he won’t kill Tyrion for her.  Jaime still doubts Tyrion’s guilt.  He kicks her out and she insults his penis again and leaves.

Jaime sends for Loras and Brienne to ask if he’s spoken to Brienne yet.  He seems a little less certain that she’s responsible for Renly’s death.  He sends Loras way to speak with Brienne alone.  They sort of awkwardly flirt for a minute.  He tells her about faux Arya so that she wouldn’t hear that Arya was in the north and try to rescue her.

Jaime then gives her the sword made from Ice reforged.  He tells her to call it Oathkeeper and that she is too find Sansa and bring her somewhere safe.  She wonders why he’s sending her on this mission.  He thinks that Joffrey was a squirt of seed in Cersei’s cunt who deserved to die but he tells her that Sansa is his last chance at honor.  Brienne sweeps out awkwardly.

 

Deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative deaths: 143

Maybe deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  12

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 36

Incest incidents: 1.  Cersei and Jaime fool around a little

Cumulative incests: 28

Petyr Humbert

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

Chapters:  Sansa VI, Jon IX, Tyrion X

 

Sansa VI

They arrive in the Fingers after a rough sea journey.  Sansa has been sea sick and traumatized the whole time.  She feels guilty that Tyrion is about to go down for murdering Joffrey even though he’s innocent.  Littlefinger tells her he gave Tysha, his first wife to his guardsman to make her feel better about that.

Big surprise, LF was misleading Sansa about going home.  He meant his home.  Not Winterfell.  His home is the Fingers for a couple of weeks, then on to the Eyrie where he’s going to marry Lysa.  Yes that’s right.  We will soon be getting another encounter with the queen of attachment parenting.  I’m pretty sure that if Lysa had been around in 21st century US or UK, she’d be one of those insufferable mommy bloggers.

Sansa is disappointed not to be going home even though the North is overrun with Iron Born and Boltons but she’s somewhat comforted because surely Lysa will be kind to her own niece.  Oh, honey.

A pathetic looking assortment of servants meet Sansa and Littlefinger’s party.  Including a fat middle aged woman named Kella who pops out bastards every couple of years and never knows who their fathers are because she doesn’t ever turn men down.

I guess patriarchal monarchy doesn’t guarantee that there will be no single mothers and sex outside of marriage after all.

Another of the servants tells them that there’s a dung fire burning.  The area is barren enough that there isn’t plentiful wood to burn so they have to use sheep dung for heat and fuel instead.  The rocks they have to step over to get to the little mini castle are full of sheep pellets.  It must smell wonderful there.

There’s a shield in the tower with a stone head with fiery eyes.  I can’t be the only one who thought of Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple, right?

We learn that Littlefinger’s great grandfather was a Braavosi and so the family sigil became the Titan of Braavos.  LF took the mockingbird for his own sigil I guess because he’s all devious and can mimic a decent human being when he needs to?

Once Littlefinger and Sansa are alone and he’s getting her drunk and pliable given her a cup of wine to settle her tummy, he tells her that it’s not safe to be open about who she is once they get to the Vale as Varys has informers everywhere.  He says they’ll have to tell Lysa’s people that she’s his bastard daughter.  They’ll call her Alayne after his mother.  She wants to pose as the trueborn daughter of a knight who died in his service, but he says that will invite questions.  The story will be that her mother is a Braavosi gentlewoman who willed her to the Faith after dying from childbirth but “Alayne” wanted to come live with dad because she didn’t want to be a septa.

Littlefinger asks if she likes to play games.  What is he, Jigsaw?  Actually I guess there are some similarities.  He tells her there are two sorts of people in King’s Landing; the players and pieces.  He declares that Cersei is a piece who thinks she’s a player.  Then he reveals that the Kettleblack brothers are his men and Cersei has no idea.  They’re his spies and secret weapons placed in the city.

Then comes the even bigger reveal.  That Olenna Tyrell was the poisoner of Joffrey.  She took an “amethyst” out of the hairnet when she straightened it at the wedding.  Not too big of a surprise since LF was with the Tyrells for a suspicious length of time back in the previous book.  With these books, I’ve learned that if a character is off page for a while, they must be up to something.  He didn’t suggest this plot directly though, he spread rumors in the Tyrell camps of Caligula like behavior.  He predicts that soon Margaery will be marrying Tommen.

Why does he tell her all this?  He’s grooming her to be a player or he’s grooming her to be molested by his pervy ass.  Maybe both.

Eight boring days go by.  Sansa does nothing but hang out with old blind dog.  Finally, Lysa arrives.  Sansa is all shady about how she’s less of a MILF than Catelyn was.  It is very obvious that Lysa is deeply in love with Littlefinger.  She brought a septon so they could marry right away.  When he suggests they wait to have a more lavish wedding in the Eyrie, she goes all Fatal Attraction and throws a tantrum.  She TMIs about how she’s going to scream so loud when they consummate the marriage that they’ll hear her in the Eyrie.  So it’s settled.  They marry within the hour.  They do the traditional creepy as hell Westeros bedding and then Lysa follows up with her promise to be a total screamer.  She even screams for him to make her a new baby

Lysa’s singer Marillion, who you may remember as part of Catelyn and Tyrion’s entourage headed to the Vale starts creeping on Sansa.  He’s says he’s been composing songs for her various body parts including a duet for her breasts.  Wtf?  Does he intend one part to represent the left breast and the other part to represent her right breast?  She turns him down but he continues to do what a PUA would call a “kino escalation” on her.  By that I mean he gropes her and asks if she’s wet for him.  Ew, ew, ew!  I guess it wouldn’t be a Sansa chapter if there weren’t multiple men who are the types of guys that think Lolita is an instruction manual.  Fortunately, she is saved by Lothar Brune.

The next day, Littlefinger tells Sansa that he told Lysa who she is and Lysa wants to speak with her.  Lysa informs her that she looks too much like Catelyn so she’ll have to die her hair brunette.  She also tells her that she hadn’t wanted to marry Jon Arryn anymore than Sansa wanted to marry Tyrion.  Lord Arryn was elderly and his breath always smelled like bad cheese.  She seems sweet at first but then she goes all Jekyll and grabs Sansa demands to know if she is pregnant.  Sansa assures Lysa that she’s a maiden and Lysa tells her she’ll be married to her cousin, the little breastfed Robert “Sweetrobin” Arryn.  Joy.  But not until after Tyrion is executed.  Until then, Sansa will be expected to be meek and grateful.  So, out of the frying pan and into the fire pretty much.

 

Jon IX

It’s been three days and the Wildling army is besieging the Wall. The Night’s Watch men are all ragged and exhausted as they are vastly outnumbered.  The Wildlings send up arrows every morning and it’s mostly been futile but one did catch Red Alyn on the leg and knock him down to his death.  There’s a Myrish eye on the wall which is apparently some sort of weak telescope.  Jon uses it to look at their foes.  Mance doesn’t leave his tent but Jon does see his very pregnant girlfriend Dalla and her sister Val.  The Wildlings are building a turtle.  A wooden structure covered in the hide of a mammoth so that the fighters can have shelter from the Watch’s fire arrows.  The turtle is almost done so they expect another fight today.  They are almost out of oil and arrows and the NW lost a bunch of men fighting the Weeper and his army down by the Shadow Tower.

Not long after the turtle is finished and starts for the Wall.  None of the fire arrows or catapulted rocks do any real damage.  If it makes it to the Wall, the Wildlings will be sheltered while they use picks and axes to remove the rubble that’s blocking the gates.  If that happens, they are all finished.

The Watch has been planning for this.  They filled barrels with gravel and then covered them in water and left them out to freeze overnight so the barrels won’t burst on the way down.  These battle scenes are exciting to read but boring to writing about!  Anyway, the plan is a success.  The manmade boulders destroy the turtle.

That night, Jon is roused from sleep and brought to the Lord Commander’s solar.  Maester Aemon is there as well as Alliser Thorne who has just returned from Eastwatch-by-the-Sea.  Thorne calls him a turncloak and starts accusing him of desertion.  Aemon said that he and Donal had been satisfied by Jon’s explanations but some other jowly dude is making big noises about not buying it.  Mr Jowls turns out to be one Janos Slynt.  Remember how Tyrion sent him to cool his heels up at the Wall?  Well, he’s there and has formed a fellowship of douches with Alliser Thorne.  They have Rattleshirt as a hostage and he testifies that Jon killed Qorin Halfhand and had sex with Ygritte.

Jonos Slynt continues acting like someone who’s fragile masculinity has been demolished by a dwarf.  He brags about how he can’t be fooled by Jon’s lies.  Yeah, okay Slynt.  You’re the coolest.  Alliser is egged on by this and even accuses Benjen Stark of being in some sort of nefarious conspiracy with Jon.  Slynt starts trash talking Eddard Stark as a traiter and orders Alliser to take him to the ice cells.  Jon just about kicks Alliser’s ass which he uses as further proof that he’s really a wildling.  Then the chapter abruptly ends.

 

Tyrion X

Tyrion is starting to get nervous.  He has one more witness against him and then it’s his turn to testify.  He still doesn’t know how he’s going to save himself.  He’s not convinced that he should let Oberyn be his champion and challenge Gregor.

As Pod comes to announce it’s time, Tyrion thinks that he is doomed.

The surprise witness turns out to be Shae.  Shae claims that Tyrion admitted to her that he and Sansa planned the regicide together.  He also wanted to kill Cersei and Tywin according to her.  She openly admits to having been Tyrion’s whore although she pretends to have been a nice  maiden that was trafficked into prostitution by Tyrion.  She said he forced her to call her giant and the whole room laughs at that.

Tyrion flies into a rage and says he’ll give a confession.  He says he confesses to the crime of being a dwarf and that’s what he’s really on trial for her.  He says he didn’t poison Joffrey but wishes he had.  He demands his trial by battle.  Cersei looks all pleased and smug about that.  Until Oberyn says he’ll be Tyrion’s champion.  The throne room is in an uproar.  Pandemonium!

Later in his cell, Tyrion feels a bit better.   He even sleeps well that night.  Oberyn visits him in his cell the next morning just before the battle.  They have a drink together.  Oberyn says he always drinks before a battle.  It’s kind of like me and how I bowl better with a couple of beers in me.  The stakes are a wee bit higher here though.  Oberyn is very confident that his speed and cunning will defeat the Mountain’s size.  His spear seems to be tipped with poison.  There’s something glistening and black on it.

Oberyn tells him a long story involving failed courtships and farts.  The long and short of it is, Tywin has been mad for a long time that the Martells turned down Tywin’s offer to marry Jaime to Elia so that Elia could marry Rhaegar Targaryen who Tywin had wanted for Cersei.  This goes a long way towards explaining why Tywin joined Robert’s rebellion and sent his men to kill Elia and her children.  This fight has been a long time coming.

Predictably a lot of people turn out to watch celebrity deathmatch.  Gregor is looking imposing as usual and Ellaria is scared but Oberyn is still pretty cocky.  As is Gregor.  Oberyn darts around Gregor trying to poke him with spear (no, not that way.  Mind out of the gutter!) while talking about Elia and how Gregor raped and murdered her and killed her children.  He’s demanding a confession.

This goes on for some time.  Until finally Gregor loses his temper.  He somehow accidently slices up a stableboy trying to get at Oberyn.    Gregor says all the talk is making his head hurt.  Finally Oberyn lands a blow beneath Gregor’s armor.  Gregor falls and Oberyn slams the spear into him.

Oh wait.

Oberyn can’t walk away.  He’s still demanding Gregor says Elia’s name.  Like a horror movie villain, Gregor is not done yet.  His hand rises up, he grabs Oberyn and finally confesses.  Then he pokes Oberyn’s eyes out and smashes his skull with his fist.  Ellaria screams.  Tyrion pukes.  Twyin announces that Tyrion is guilty and condemned to death.

 

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Red Alyn.  Oberyn Martell.

Cumulative deaths: 143

Maybe deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  12

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  We get the reveal that the Tyrells, who are supposed to be the Lannister’s ally were involved in Joffrey’s death.

Cumulative betrayals: 36

Incest incidents: 0.  I thought about including the betrothal of Sansa to her cousin, but they didn’t actually do anything and I don’t think that counts as incest in Westeros anyways.

Cumulative incests: 27