Archive | May 2017

Child of Rage

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot noir

Chapters:  Arya XII, Tyrion IX,  Jaime VIII

 

Arya XII

Surprise!  Arya wasn’t killed by Sandor at the Red Wedding.  He just knocked her out with the flat end of an axe.  She’s not surprisingly pretty depressed and just wants to sleep.  When she does sleep, she has a lot of wolf dreams where she’s warging Nymeria.  Nymeria has a giant pack that she’s leading.

A female alpha wolf?

Sandor however, forces Arya to wake up every morning.  We know from Bran chapters that it’s probably for the best, she would lose herself if she stayed in Nymeria all the time.  But Arya doesn’t know this and she’s not pleased.

At least Arya finally has her own horse now.  The horse had run away from the Twins during the RW and so Arya named her Craven.

Arya keeps telling herself that she’ll kill The Hound in his sleep, or take Craven and run away, but she never does.  She has nowhere to go.

They go on like this for days.  Arya sullen and The Hound full of barely contained rage.  He won’t tell her where they’re going and they avoid populated areas, so there’s no way to know.

One time, they come across an archer who’s dying from an infected mace wound.  Real shocker here, a Bolton man was the culprit.  Sandor mercy kills him and takes his dagger and coins.

They reach the foothills of the mountains and Sandor finally reveals that he’s taking her to the Eyrie to try and ransom her to Lysa.  Maybe while they’re there, they can have a nice tall refreshing glass of breast milk.   Arya is in denial that her mother is really dead and wants to go all the way back to the Twins.

That night she has a dream that she, as Nymeria finds Catelyn in the river.  There are tons of corpses there, but she sniffs Catelyn out.  She actually goes into the river and drags the body out.  She drives the other wolves away from the corpse and thinks “Rise.  Rise and eat and run with us.”  Then some men on horseback come along and the pack scatters.

The next morning, Sandor brings up her mother again, but Arya now says she knows she’s dead because she saw it in a dream.

When they get to the Vale, they find that it’s going to be about impossible to get up to the Eyrie.  There’s frost up in the mountains now and the clans are out in full force.  After being turned away from King’s Landing, they came back to wreak more havoc.

They spent days in a village.  Arya’s increasingly angry.  A little girl keeps following her around and talking about how her doll, Ser Soldier keeps her safe.  She steals the doll and rips it apart, tells the girl that now it really looks like a soldier and throws the doll in the brook.

One of my favorite nineties TV movies.  After Death of a Cheerleader, of course.

A couple of weeks later, the villagers, who know who The Hound is, make it plain that they are unwelcome.  So they leave and go back to the Riverlands.  The Hound decides that he’ll take her to Riverrun.  Arya suggests the Wall, but Sandor is not having it.  He wants to take vengeance on his brother.

 

Tyrion IX

Tyrion is talking with his uncle Kevan who informs that in the absence of a king, the trial will be led by Tywin.  Mace Tyrell and Oberyn Martell are to be co-judges.  He asks if he can request a trial by battle but Kevan advises against it because Cersei plans to name Gregor Clegane as the crown’s champion.  Tyrion requests a visit from Podrick Payne and tells Kevan that he didn’t do it.  Kevan doesn’t seem to believe him though.  When Pod comes, Tyrion tells him to send for Bronn, tell him there’s a lot of gold in it for him and not to return without Bronn.

Pod does not come back that day.  Tyrion struggles to come up with witnesses on his behalf and tries to figure out whodunit.  He thinks it’s Sansa at first, but doesn’t know where she could’ve gotten the poison without accomplices.  He doesn’t think that anyone will buy that she did it alone.  All the same, she’s the only witness he can think of.

When Kevan returns, he tells him that Ser Addam Marbrand is hunting for Sansa but the trial is to begin in three days.  Not much hope that’ll find witnesses in that time, considering that he’s locked up.

Finally, the next day, Pod returns with Bronn.  Bronn informs him that he’s about to marry Lollys Stokeworth.   She’s not the heir, but her older sister Falyse is barren and there are no males, so if Bronn gets her pregnant, he’ll get a son as an heir.  In other words, Bronn is more interested in climbing up the social ladder than helping Tyrion, and Falyse may not be long for this world.  Bronn refuses to be Tyrion’s champion.

It’s the morning of the trial and Addam Marbrand comes to escort him.  It seems to be the social event of the season.  Well, after the purple wedding anyway.  Everyone is there and everyone is dressed well.  Tywin asks Tyrion if he killed Joffrey.  Tyrion says no.  Then he is informed that he is to stay quiet while the witnesses against him testify.

Balon Swann and Meryn Trant and Boros Blount talk about all the times Tyrion was mean to Joffrey.  Including when he smacked him around a bit during the battle of Blackwater.  The Kettleblacks did the same.  Everyone glosses right over how much of an asshole Joffrey was.  At last Tyrion loses his temper and starts shouting.  He realizes right away how big of a mistake that was.  With that, the first day of the trial ends.

The second day, the Maesters testify.  They say they found no food in Joffrey’s throat, so he must have poisoned.  Pycelle tells of the time Tyrion stole poison from him.  Remember the time he gave Cersei the Hershey squirts to keep her out of the way?  He testifies that the poison used was the strangler, which we already knew.  Then a parade of nobles comes along to testify that he choked.  Lady Merryweather even says she saw Tyrion drop poison in the king’s cup.

So far this trial is kinda boring.  It reminds me of the summer of OJ Simpson’s trial.  I was annoyed because Days of Our Lives was always being preempted.  I’m not even ashamed about that.  I was 15.  The nineties were the glory days of Days.  When Marlena was possessed.

But I digress.

Another day ends.  Kevan comes back in to tell Tyrion that if he confesses, Tywin would permit him to take the black.  I admit I’d kind of hoped he would agree that because I would not hate seeing him and Jon interact again.  But he’s not having it.

The next day, Varys testifies.  He pretty much just confirms what everyone else said and that he knows because his little birds told him.  At the end of the day, Cersei says she has one final witness to speak on the morrow.

That night, there is a knock on the door.  He’s expecting Kevan, but surprise!  It’s Oberyn.  He tells Tyrion that Cersei has been working really hard to buy his vote against Tyrion.  She’s even hinting at marriage.  Oberyn tells him that by Dornish law, the throne should pass to Myrcella and of course, the Martells have Myrcella.  He hints that his brother, Prince Doran may crown her.  Tyrion says that even if Cersei would agree to that, Tywin wouldn’t allow it.  Oberyn says “your father may not live forever” in a wink wink, nudge nudge kind of way.

It is then that Oberyn reveals that he actually thinks that Tyrion is innocent.   Tyrion confirms that Gregor was the real killer of Aegon and rapist and killer of Elia, not Amory Lorch.  Then Oberyn finally gets to the point and says that he will step up as Tyrion’s champion.

 

Jaime VIII

Jaime has been emoing around the castle all Jon Snow style.  He’s been watching the trial, but just kind of hanging around at the back.  Cersei has been distant and he’s disowned, so he never hangs out with Tywin either.

He’s sitting all alone in Kingsguard HQ, the Round Room.  There’s a weirwood table with a big white book chronicling all the history of the KG.  He’s reading some of the recent entries and pouting about how Barristan Selmy had given him such a paltry entry when the other KG members come in.  It’s a super exciting Kingsguard meeting.

Jaime kind of scolds them for letting Joff die on their watch.  He asks their opinion on whether or not Tyrion is guilty.  They don’t seem to really know or care.  Oswald Kettleblack thinks it’s the High Septon.  Loras thinks it’s Sansa.  Aw.  That kind of makes me sad.  It’s bad enough when you’re a teenager and your crush isn’t into you.  How much would it suck if your crush thought you were a murderer.

Jaime changes the subject to the protection of Tommen, who will be the new king.  He decides that Boros Blount will taste everything Tommen eats or drinks to make sure it isn’t poisoned.  Boros is pretty pissed off about it but Jaime threatens him until he hawks a loogie on the ground and leaves.  It seems that even though Jaime is no longer capable of fighting, people still fear him out of habit.

Jaime scolds Meryn Trant for brutalizing Sansa on Joffrey’s orders.  He says that from now on, he’s to obey Jaime first and foremost.  One by one he questions and dismisses the KG members.  Until he is alone with Loras.  Loras is all extra cocky and Jaime realizes that he’s just like a younger version of himself.  He brings up Brienne.  Loras thinks she has to be guilty of killing Renly because how else could the death have happened if she weren’t part of it.  Jaime points out that the same could be said for Loras and the other KG present.  He convinces Loras to talk to Brienne and give her a fair hearing.

The chapter ends with Jaime thinking her has other debts to pay.  Whatever that means!

 

Deaths in this recap:  0.  Yeah, nothing really happened in these chapters.  All set up for the final chapters.

Cumulative deaths: 141

Maybe deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  12

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 35

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 27

Menstrual Blood is Thicker Than Water

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Absolut citron and soda

Chapters:  Jaime VII, Davos VI, Jon VIII

 

Jaime VII

Jaime and Brienne still haven’t reached King’s Landing yet, but they know of Joffrey’s demise because the whole kingdom is apparently buzzing about it.  The smallfolk are arguing about how it happened though.  A costermonger (whatever the fuck that is) said Tyrion slit his throat and drank the blood from a big cold chalice.  Wrong book, dude.  This isn’t Interview With the Vampire

The innkeep has a better handle on the situation and says it was poisoned that turned Joffrey’s face plum colored.  Then we get back into some fuckery when an archer claims that Sansa vanished from the hall in a puff of brimstone.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you that only women are gossips.

Jaime tries to be sad about his firstborn son dying but when he tries to conjure up his face, he can only think of Cersei.

They finally approach the city and Steelshanks Walton complains about how much the city stinks.  That’s actually one of my favorite things about this city.  No one usually points out how disgusting and smelly cities would have been before plumbing, sewage treatment and trash collection were a thing.

Jaime reflects more on how little he cares about Joffrey’s death.  Apparently he never even held him because Cersei thought that might give away that he was his real father.  He only resented the baby for taking up too much of Cersei’s time, love, and breasts.  So many different kinds of wrong and gross here.

Jaime rides up to Brienne and tells her that she’s fulfilled his goal.  She’s been sullen and depressed since hearing about the red wedding (haven’t we all?) but still seems to want to find Sansa and protect her.

They get to the city gates and Jaime still doesn’t reveal who he is.  He pretends to be part of Bolton’s contingent, there to swear loyalty to Tywin.  They get waved right through.  In the city, no one even seems to recognize him.  Nobody pays him any mind.

Finally at the gate to the Red Keep Ser Meryn Trant recognizes him.  Inside he sees Loras Tyrell and discovers that he is now a Kingsguard.  He gives them both some shade for failing in their duty to keep the king alive.

Then Loras spots Brienne.  He still thinks she killed Renly so he starts yelling at her and asking why she killed him.  She swears she didn’t do it but he doesn’t believe her.  They almost come to blows until Jaime puts an end to it with some casual homophobia telling Loras to “sheathe your bloody sword, or I’ll take it from you and shove it up some place even Renly never found.”  Cute.  Loras still insists on having her arrested.  To smooth things over and keep Brienne safe, Jaime orders her locked into a tower cell.  Brienne is hurt by this.

Jaime goes to sept to see Cersei who is in mourning.  Another new Kingsguard, Osmund Kettleblack tries to give him a hard time about it but Jaime tells him who he is and they aren’t to be disturbed.

Jaime and Cersei’s reunion is tearful and almost sweet.  For a minute.  Cersei soon talks of vengeance.  She wants Jaime to kill Tyrion for her.  He’s reluctant to do so.  He’s skeptical that Tyrion really did it.  He refuses and says he must hear more about what happened.  It is then that Cersei reveals that there will be a trial.

Then out of nowhere we get a twincest scene.  The first one in a while.  There’s some ambiguity as to whether or not Cersei consents but I’m not going to get into it because I don’t feel like it.  She’s on her period but he doesn’t care.  In fact he “lost himself in her flesh” which is a terminology that really grosses me out, incest and possible rapiness aside.  Then it talks about the wetness of the blood and seed joining.   Afterwards, the marble is smeared with period blood.  GRRM seems really determine to make me throw up my pricey liquor here.

Jaime wants to marry Cersei and have another son in place of Joffrey.  Cersei points out that Tommen’s claim to the throne depends on being Robert Baratheon’s son so that would be a really terrible idea.  When Cersei is the reasonable one in the conversation, you should really reflect on your life choices.

Jaime doesn’t care and says that Casterly Rock should be enough.  Then he touches her face with his stump.  This is enough to freak Cersei out.  She tells him that he’s changed.  She makes him leave.

Next stop on the homecoming parade is a visit to the Tower of the Hand to see papa Lannister.  As expected, he gets a cold welcome from Tywin who had expected him sooner.  Tywin does tell him that Gregor took Harrenhal back from Vargo Hoat.  Hoat was apparently half mad with sepsis from the bite wound on the ear that Brienne had given him.  Clegane is presently torturing him to death.

Tywin wants to know if Jaime can fight with his remaining left hand.  He can’t.  He can barely function at all.  But he pretends otherwise.  Tywin says he has a gift for him.  Jaime first wants to know Tywin’s take on Joffrey’s death.  He confirmed it was poison but doesn’t seem to care whether or not Tyrion actually did it.  He just seems glad it appears that he did because it’s an excuse to get rid of him.

Tywin badly wants Jaime to be retired from the Kingsguard and take his place as heir to Casterly Rock.  Jaime refuses and Tywin disowns him.

 

Davos VI

Another night, another nightfire with Melisandre praying to R’hllor.  Since most are preoccupied with the cult meeting, Davos uses this as an opportunity to smuggle Edric out of Dragonstone to keep him safe from Mel’s fires.  Ser Andrew Estermont is going with him to some unspecified location overseas.  Edric protests a little but Davos tells him that he’ll make Stannis mad if he refuses.  It’s a lie, but it convinces him.

Later in the chamber of the painted table, Melisandre and Stannis walk in.  She’s insisting that Joffrey is dead, she saw it in the flames.  Stannis is dubious but Davos confirms that it’s true.  Mel is very self satisfied because three burned leaches of king’s blood = three dead kings now.   The statistical rule that correlation does not imply causation doesn’t seem to have been discovered in this universe yet.

Stannis treats us all to a grim little tale about Joffrey having cut open a pregnant cat to take out the kitten fetuses.  He says that the imp served the kingdom well and now they’ll have to send for him.

Melisandre reminds Stannis that Joffrey has a brother and they will crown him.  Stannis is not too pleased to hear this.  Mel takes this opportunity to suggest again that she burn Edric Storm to awaken the stone dragons.  Stannis finally relents and then Davos steps up all like “swipe, denied!”  He tells them that he’s gone.  Stannis is threatening to punish him for treason.  Davos pleads his case by revealing that he has learned to read and has an interesting letter.  We don’t get to hear what the letter is, but maybe you remember it from the last Davos chapter.

 

Jon VIII

Jon is having a dream and surprise, surprise, he’s as emo in his dreams as he is in his waking life.  He’s back in Winterfell in the crypts and all the statues of the past King in the Norths tell him that he’s no Stark.  He hears people feasting in the great hall above and knows he’s not wanted there and blah, blah, blah.

He wakes up alone in his chilly steward’s cell.  He misses Ygritte and Ghost and still feels kind of shitty from his injury but it’s getting better.  He hears horns.  Two blasts.

It is still the dead of night and Mance has at last come.  They can’t see much except for torches.  They can hear horses and even mammoths.  When they send some burning pitch down, they see that there’s actually 100 mammoths.  That’s a lot.  I’m wondering how they were tamed because as far as I know, no humans in our universe ever did that.  But this is fantasy and we need a battle to rival Pelennor Fields from LOTR so suspend disbelief, I guess!

The wildling army is at the gate.  Usually it would be impossible to get through, but they have giants and mammoths.  So this is a risk right now.

The Nightswatch men throw down some jars of burning lamp oil and can hear screaming down below.  Donal Noye, who has been commanding the battle thus far says he needs to take some men down to defend the gate.  He gives Jon the Wall.  Jon emos about it of course, thinking he’s not up to the task but he does say “aye.”

They throw down and shoot burning stuff for like, ever and finally dawn breaks.  The NW did some damage but nowhere near enough.  There are still a shit ton of wildlings there.  Giants are riding on mammoths, ramming the gat with a tree trunk.  The NW men are starting to despair but Jon assures them that the Wall defends itself, even though he thinks they’re hollow words.  But it works and with renewed morale, they pick up the fight once more.  The wildlings are trying to shoot them with arrows, but the arrows can’t reach that high.  The NW men manage to shoot down the giants and mammoths with the ram.  The Wildlings finally break.  The Wall does defend itself after all.

They all want food and rest.  But first, Jon wants to check the gate.  Donal Noye and his men are in the tunnels.  They died defending the Wall from a giant.  The giant twisted Spotted Pate’s head off and crushed Noye’s spine.  But Noye sunk his sword into the giant’s throat, killing him.  Jon recognizes the giant as Mag the Mighty, king of the giants.

Jon says that the Wall needs to be blocked up.  Her says Ser Wynton Stout, the only knight left, will have to take command now.  Maester Aemon says that Stout is too old and senile now.   He insists that it is now Jon who must command.  Jon pretends he didn’t want to hear that, but we all now he did.

 

Deaths in this recap:  4.  Spotted Pate, Donal Noye and Mag the Mighty.  I’m also putting Vargo Hoat in there because it’s pretty clear he’s about to die and from previous reads, I don’t remember any clear confirmation forthcoming.

Cumulative deaths: 141

Maybe deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  12

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 35

Incest incidents: 1 and it’s a doozy.  It’s been a while since the last one, so I guess GRRM had to make up for it!

Cumulative incests: 27

Purple Reign

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Insight Brewery Sunken City

Chapters:  Sansa IV, Tyrion VIII, Sansa V

 

Sansa IV

Sansa dreams of being home with her family, including Lady.  She wakes up thinking about how they are all dead.  I guess Sansa doesn’t like emo very much but she doesn’t think of Jon as a living family member at all.

The maids, Shae among them draw her a bath to get ready for the sure to be awkward wedding breakfast for the Lannisters and Tyrells.  She thinks about how Shae gives her insolent looks sometimes.

Tyrion comes in wearing rumpled clothes.  He starts drinking right away.  I won’t deny that I’ve done some day drinking before, but starting before breakfast is pretty hardcore.  Sansa judges him aloud for being a hot mess even though she’d been contemplating having a glass of wine to calm her nerves just on the previous page.  She must need to ease into the Lannister tradition of being drunk at all times.   He does go change into fresh clothes but cannot be dissuaded from the wine.

They go to the breakfast and it’s time for some food porn.  The only thing I’ll mention is the Dornish egg, cheese, onion and fiery pepper dish because that sounds delicious.

After the eating is finished, it’s time for the gifts to be presented. First Cersei presents Joff with the cloak he’s to drape around Margaery.    Joffrey stays on his best behavior for awhile until he receives Tyrion’s gift, a really nice leatherbound book about four of the Targaryen kings.  He tells Tyrion that he hasn’t knocked up Sansa yet because he spends all his time reading and then threatens to rape Sansa after he gets Margaery pregnant to show her how it’s done.

The final gift is from Tywin.  It’s the new Valyrian steel sword made from Ned’s sword, Ice.   Joffrey names it Widow’s Wail, boasts about being no stranger to Valyrian steel and chops up Tyrion’s book.

Tyrion shades him by saying he should get a matching knife with a dragonbone hilt.  This is a description of the knife that Bran’s would be killer had way back in the beginning of the series.  He doesn’t seem to get the reference though and of course Sansa doesn’t either.

Afterwards when Sansa and Tyrion are in their litter, Tyrion asks her if Joffrey quarreled with Bran while in Winterfell like he did with Robb.  She’s confused by this and just says he’s a sweet boy.  He assures her that he had nothing to do with the attempts on Bran’s life.  He points out she’s never asked about how Robb and Catelyn died and she tells him she doesn’t want to know.  That’s fair enough.  I don’t think I’d want to hear about that either.

 

Tyrion VIII

Now it’s time for the wedding ceremony.  Both Joffrey and Margaery look splendid and regal but Tyrion drank too much wine and has to pee hella bad and it’s making him think murderous thoughts about Joffrey.

If it wasn’t clear from the previous chapter, that boast about being familiar with Valyrian steel has Tyrion pretty well convinced that it was Joffrey rather than Jaime or Cersei who sent the catspaw after Bran.  Personally, I suspect Littlefinger or Varys because they both wanted to destabilize the realm and have some war.

Now it’s time for the cloak exchange.  Tyrion is still bitter about Sansa refusing to kneel when he was too short to put it on her.  Ffs, dude.  Get over it.  We’re into some serious Nice Guy™  territory here.  She was really supposed to be thinking about being accommodating when being forced to marry a member of the family that’s been killing her family off?  The aggravating thing is that there are a lot of fans who think Sansa is some sort of heinous bitch for not being pleased about being forced to marry him.  Ugh.

After the ceremony there is a procession so the smallfolk can watch and cheer.  They all like Joffrey again because they love Margaery so much.  They credit the Tyrells with saving the city from starvation because they opened up the roseroad so that supplies could come in.  They don’t remember that they were the ones who closed the road in the first place.  Basically, the people of King’s Landing are like all those working and middle class people who absorb Fox News capitalist propaganda.

Tyrion thinks about how he wants to get out of KL.  He suggests Casterly Rock and Sansa apathetically agrees.  He also thinks about going to the Free Cities instead.

They sit in awkward silence for the rest of the procession.

Tyrion finally gets to pee.  Whoo hoo!

They put on new close for the feast.  Weddings are a lot more complicated in Westeros, I guess.  Tyrion of course continues drinking while he’s getting ready.  Shae is helping Sansa and asks to serve the table at the feast.  This annoys Tyrion.  Apparently he doesn’t like it when women want nothing to do with but also doesn’t like it when women want to be heavily involved in every aspect of his life.  Did he take a red pill (the MRA kind, not the Matrix kind) with his wine today?

They make the small talk rounds with all the other guests.  Sansa is good at it.  Tyrion doesn’t give a fuck.  Lancel is there.  It’s the first time he’s gone in public since getting badly injured at the battle of Blackwater.  His hair is white and he’s scrawny as fuck.  Even more of a mess than Tyrion and his no nosed state.

Olenna Tyrell comes up to Sansa and starts fussing with her hair and her amethyst hair net.  Totally insignificant detail just there to add color I’m sure.

Finally they settle in for the seventy fucking seven course feast.  Tyrion is paranoid that he’s being stared at and judged.  Fair enough.  He probably is.

Joffrey and Margaery ride in on white horses.  Joffrey toasts Margaery with the giant chalice that Mace Tyrell had given him earlier.

Now it’s time for some serious food porn.  Forgive me if I skip over it.  Sansa is all listless and barely eating or paying attention to all the singers and musicians.  That’s all anyone needs to know.

Several courses and cups of wine later, Tyrion is drunk and Joffrey is even drunker.  He doesn’t know how to handle his booze yet.  That’s what happens when you go to your wedding feast without having first lived on a college campus, I guess.

Part of the entertainment is a fake joust by two dwarfs.  A male dwarf riding a dog and a female dwarf riding a pig.  Everyone thinks this is hilarious for some reason.  Drunk ass Joffrey tries to get Tyrion to joust on the pig.  Drunk ass Tyrion says he’ll do it if  Joffrey does, because he’s the only one in the hall he’s certain of defeating.  Everyone laughs at this and Joffrey is enraged because he’s basically Donald Trump and can dish it out but can’t take it.  Joffrey pours the wine from his chalice on Tyrion’s head.

The Tyrells try to smooth things over.  It doesn’t really work.  Joffrey forces Tyrion to be his cupbearer and in a move that will be familiar to anyone who has ever worked as a server, continuously verbally abuses Tyrion.

Finally it is time for the pie.  The equivalent of the wedding cake at our culture’s weddings.  Joffrey and Margaery cut the pie with the sword made from ice and a bunch of doves flew out.  Poor doves.  Stuck in a pie made out of their pigeon cousins.  No wonder the birds want us all dead.

Tyrion and Sansa are about to leave when Joffrey notices and commands him to stay and serve him his wine.

Joffrey is eating his pie and starts coughing.  He thinks it’s just dry and tries to wash it down with wine but the wine comes spewing back out.  His face turns bright red and it’s clear that he’s actually choking.  Tyrion realizes that Joff is going to die.  He knows he is dead when he hears Cersei scream.

Then Cersei looks up from the corpse, accuses Tyrion and Sansa of poisoning Joffrey and has the kingsguard arrest Tyrion.

 

Sansa V

It turns out that Sansa did not stick around to watch Joffrey die.  She’s in the Godswood as the bells toll.  Changing into some plain and practical clothes that she had hidden there.  It seems that Dontos had forewarned her that this day would be when she would escape King’s Landing.

As she takes off her hairnet, she notices an amethyst missing.  It fills her with dread but she isn’t sure why yet.  Apparently Dontos had told her that the hair net was magic, it would take her home and she needed to wear it tonight.  But she is either in shock or kind of slow because it takes her a minute to do the math.  But she does get there.

There’s some rustling in the trees and Dontos, like a lurking pervert appears.  She accuses him of poisoning Joff but he still insists the amethysts are just magic.  He tells her that Tyrion has been arrested and they mst leave quickly.  She wonders if Tyrion really did poison him.

Dontos is super drunk as usual but they manage to make it out of the city.  He leads her down a cliff after sloppily crying and kissing her.  Gross.  Finally they make it to the river and into a small boat.  Dontos call out his name, “Oswell” even though he wasn’t supposed to do that.  Oswell says “no names.”  They go down the river into the Blackwater bay and finally come upon a larger ship.  She and Oswell go up while Dontos remains in the smaller boat.  Who is on the ship?

Why it’s our old pal Littlefinger accompanied by Ser Lothor Brune.  Dontos says he needs to row back.  LF says he’ll first want his payment, 10,000 gold dragons.  This was clearly some kind of code because three men step up and shoot him to death with crossbows.

They sail away.  Sansa is of course upset but LF assures her that because he was such an unreliable drunk, he would’ve eventually talked and they had no choice.

Littlefinger reveals that he was behind Dontos’ offer to take her home and Joffrey’s poisoning.  He was even responsible for hiring the dwarf jousters, knowing that it would cause tensions.  So basically, he framed Tyrion.  Not to hard to do since Cersei already hates him and is suspicious of him.  LF creepily tells her that “widowhood will become you.”

Sansa wonders what his motive is.  He tells her he has no motive, it’s just best to keep your foes confused by making moves that seem to serve no purpose or move against her.  He tells her to remember that when it comes to be her turn to play the game of thrones.  I sure hope that advice backfires on him one day.

 

Deaths in this recap: 2.  Dontos and Joffrey.  The later being the best goddamn death in the whole series so far!

Cumulative deaths: 137

Maybe deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  12

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  I’m not sure Littlefinger can really betray anyone as he has no real allegiance to anyone but himself, but he’s supposed to be a Lannister ally so I think we can count this one.

Cumulative betrayals: 35

Incest incidents: 0.

Cumulative incests: 26

 

 

R.O.U.S

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigot

Chapters:  Bran IV, Daenerys V, Tyrion VII

 

Bran IV

Bran, Meera, Jojen and Hodor have finally reached the Wall.  More specifically, the abandoned NW castle called the Nightfort.   The Nightfort is where the legendary Night’s King had reined.  It also featured in many of the other Old Nan stories.  The most relevant one being the story of the Rat Cook who had violated guest right (hey, just like someone from a few chapters ago!) by killing the son of a visiting Andal king, cooking him in a pie and serving it to him.  Basically, the Nightfort is spooky as shit and it seems like it might be haunted.

The gate has of course long ago been sealed and they can’t find a way through.  But Jojen insists that his dreams are always and his dreams told him to go here.  Meera decides to climb the wall and see if she can figure out something.  Emo must be contagious and Bran must’ve caught it from Jon when they had that near encounter.  Because Bran starts emoing about how he should be the one climbing.

While Meera is up on the Wall, Bran, Jojen and Hodor go exploring down below.  Summer catches a rat as big as a cat.  I actually kind of like rats and other rodents, but that is just gross and scary.

There are lots of dark tunnels full of these rats below the Nightfort.  Jojen wants to explore but Bran vetoes this and I can’t say I blame him.  If this isn’t a perfect horror movie set up, I don’t know what is.

By the time Meera returns, the sun is going down and they are no closer to finding a way through the Wall.  This makes it a perfect time to tell scary stories!

We get to hear more about the Night’s King.  This is not to be confused with the show version.  He was a lord commander of the Nightswatch who fell in love with what appears to be a female white walker.  They ruled for 13 years, making sacrifices to the white walkers until a Stark and Joramun the wildling leader allied together to put an end to it.  The NW excised all records of the Night’s King so no one knew who it was.  Old Nan thought he was a Stark though.  No evidence of this is presented so it’s unknown whether she was telling the truth or just trolling Bran.

The group decided they will sleep in the kitchens.  It has a weirwood tree that has busted through the floor and a mega creepy well.  Hodor Hodors down it and the Hodors echo.  It’s the best.

Bran thinks he hears something splashing around in the well and wants to leave but the Reeds laugh him off.  Then we get some more Westeros mythology.  We learn more of the Rat King too.  After he served the Andal king that prince and bacon pie, the gods turned him into a huge white rat who could only eat his own young.  The punishment was according to Old Nan a punishment not for the murder or the non-consensual cannibalism but for the breaking of guest right.  As much is this is a scary story, it’s kind of nice because it gives the reader hope that the Freys will get theirs.  I guess we’ll see.

Bran finally drifts off to sleep but wakes up to find more noises coming from the well.  He figures that Hodor woke it up.  It’s all very mines of Moria.  He wakes Meera up and once again, Wargs Hodor.

A huge black shape lurches out of the well.  Meera catches it in her net.  The well monster is wailing and shaking.

It turns out to be Sam.  Along with Gilly and her baby.  She tells them that someone named Coldhands told them that he’d been sent to find someone and Sam wasn’t it.  Sam tells them there’s a gate down there called the Black Gate.  It’s hidden and as old as the wall itself.  Only a NW brother can open it.  Coldhands couldn’t get through the Wall because he’s dead and the spells woven into the Wall keep them from passing the Wall.

Before too long, Sam puts two and two together and realizes that Bran is Jon’s brother.  They make Sam promise not to tell him he saw them.  They update Sam on how Jon is alive and escaped the wildlings.

Sam leads them to the Black Gate and it’s actually a big weirwood with a face on it.  It asks “who are you?” and Sam recites the NW vows.  The door tells them to pass and the weirwood’s mouth opens wide enough for them to go through.

 

Daenerys V

Dany has arrived now at the third Slaver’s Bay city, Meereen.  It’s much larger and more multicolored than Astapor and Yunkai.  It’s also made of brick and full of pyramids though.  The Great Pyramid has a harpy on top of it.  That’s their symbol.

Outside the walls of the city, Meereen’s champion is riding back and forth, challenging Dany’s people.  Her bloodriders are dying to go out and fight him but she thinks they’re too young and risk taking so she forbids it.  Ser Jorah likes this decision.  Arstan thinks it’s bad PR for them to be afraid to meet him and thinks the decision not to fight can only boost Meereenese morale.

The Meereenese had harvested the crops that they could and burned the rest.  So Dany’s host has to do something soon.  Or they will starve.  They also quite gruesomely nailed a slave child to every milepost on the road from Yunkai to Meereen.  As a result, Dany is pretty pissed off and ready to take this city.

Brown Ben Plumm, the new leader of the Second Sons tells them that the champion’s name is Oznak zo Pahl.  Henceforth, I will call him Ozarks because that’s just easier.

Anyway, after about an hour of taunting from Ozarks, Dany finally decides to send Strong Belwas out to fight him.  Belwas used to fight in the slave pits and so if he wins it will be an embarrassment for Meereen.  If he loses the victory over someone perceived as low and worthless will mean little.  Also, he’s pretty expendable.

Even though Ozarks is on horse, Belwas meets him on foot.  They basically play chicken for a little while.  Finally Belwas drops to the ground to avoid Ozarks’ lance and stabs the horse in the legs.  Both the horse and Ozarks fall.  Poor horsey.  Now it’s time for a knife fight.  It’s over pretty quickly.  Ozarks manages to cut Belwas in the chest, but Belwas manages to behead Ozarks right after that.  He takes the head and throws it towards the gates.  Then Belwas squats and poops in the direction of the city.  I’m never sure if I think this is incredibly awesome or incredibly gross.

After the fight, Dany holds a war council.  They’re having trouble figuring out a way to conquer Meereen.  Jorah even wants her to head back to Westeros.  But they don’t have the food to take care of her people and she’s still mad about those slave children Meereen killed as a message.   So these hopes that we’ll finally get to see Daenerys go back to Westeros and mix it up with the other characters are dashed for now.

Ben Plumm suggests the sewers.  That’s how he escaped the city in the past.  But it sounds absolutely disgusting and there’s a limit to how many people will be able to get through.  She decides to sleep on it.  But she can’t sleep because she’s all horny for Daario even though he’s a skeezebucket.  She decides to go out riding.  She takes Arstan with her.

Most of the people in the camps are fond of her but one man comes up, drags her from her horse and tries to stab her.  It’s Mero.  From the Second Sons I think?  He and Arstan fight and Arstan wins.

They get back and Jorah tries to start talking battle.  But Dany cuts him off to read him for not warning her that Mero had escaped.  She wants Arstan knighted.  Both Jorah and Arstan say no firmly.

This is when Arstan reveals that he already is a knight.  He is in fact, Ser Barristan Selmy.  He begs her forgiveness for ever having stayed in Robert Baratheon’s service.

He also informs her of more than that.  He snitches out Jorah for being Varys’ informant all these years.  Jorah says he did it to get a pardon and go home but changed his mind when he fell in love and stopped informing.

Dany contemplates having the dragons burn both their lying asses.  But she just tells them to go.  She tries to figure out where and then settles on something.  But the chapter ends before she can tell us.

 

Tyrion VII

Tyrion is still angsting over his cold and barren marriage.  Just my personal opinion, but when you have a child spouse, you shouldn’t want it to be any other way.

When he told Sansa of the red wedding, he expected a display of grief and anger but only got stone cold silence.  He did later hear her crying behind closed doors.

He gets up in the night and dresses and goes to meet Shae in those tunnels where all the dragon skulls are.  She’s standing naked in the jaws of Balerion.  They have sex and she calls him her lion again.  He ends up feeling guilty and stupid because he knows the affair isn’t exactly safe.  He thinks he’ll marry her off to a knight named Talled because the safest course of action is getting rid of her.

No time for that now though.  Dawn is breaking and it is the day of Joffrey’s wedding.

Shortest chapter ever.

 

Deaths in this recap: 1.  Only Ozarks.

Cumulative deaths: 135

Maybe deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  12

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  I’m going with this because I can’t remember if I counted Jorah spying for Varys earlier.  If I did, we’ll just count it as Barristan ratting out Jorah.

Cumulative betrayals: 34

Incest incidents: 0.

Cumulative incests: 26