Archive | April 2014

Kissin’ Cousins

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion VII, Arya VII, Catelyn

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Tyrion VII

  Cersei has Tyrion awakened by cousin Lancel in the middle of night.  Tyrion figures she thinks his wits might be slower, but he’s an insomniac so it he’s used to thinking while tired.  Not that it takes much to outwit Cersei.  Everyone but Ned can do it.  Lancel via Cersei wants Tyrion to release Pycelle.  Lancel tries to be intimidating but it doesn’t really work and Tyrion accuses him of having an affair with Cersei.  Lancel is a giant wuss.  He folds and admits to participating in the death of Robert and doing Cersei.

Pretty soon, Lancel is begging for mercy and pledges to spy for Tyrion.  Tyrion tells him he’ll release and advises Lancel not to knock Cersei up.

  Feeling drunk on awesomeness, Tyrion has Bronn take to see Shae.  Her guard is an ugly man with a hare lip and a lazy eye because Tyrion doesn’t want any hotties hanging around Shae.  He wakes up Shae with oral sex and thinks about great his life going and how powerful he is.  I’m sure that will last. 

 

Arya VII

  Arya has settled in to life as a serving girl in Harrenhal.  Compared to hanging out with The Mountain it doesn’t seem to bad.  Hot Pie gets to work in the kitchens because fatty love cake amirite?!  Gendry was sent to the forge.  Tywin is there but she never gets anywhere near him.  Her boss, Weese is a huge asshole who has his dog maul servants that piss him off.  This earns him a place in Arya’s prayers.

  A couple weeks later a group of mercenaries called the Bloody Mummers by others and the Brave Companions by themselves arrives at Harrenhal.  They’re a variety of nationalities and they’re led by Vargo Hoat.  He has a lisp.  They’re a troublesome lot and fights break out between them and the Lannisters their very first night.  Luckily, they soon leave but not before Arya hears them speak about Robb being at Riverrun.  Now she knows he’s close.

  There are also hostages from the north who have freedom of the castle.  One of them is Lord Cerwyn.  She doesn’t know the other two. She thinks Cerwyn might remember and help her, but he was injured and dies before she can talk to him.

  On yet another day, she sees Amory Lorch.  Rorge, Biter and Jaqen H’ghar are working for him.  That pisses her off and she starts to wish she let them die.  That night, Arya is having a wolf dream when Jaqen wakes her up.  He leads her into the cellar.  Hopefully this won’t turn into a Lifetime movie about sexual predators…

  Nope!  He just wants to tell Arya that he owes her a debt.  Since she saved three lives he will kill three people of her choosing.  Only death pays for life.  You would think it would be appropriate for him to save three lives at her behest, but hey, this is Westeros.  Even help is dark and nefarious.  She thinks it over and decides it might be more practical to get someone in the vicinity than someone in King’s Landing.

  The next morning, Weese threatens to cut out Arya’s tongue and then he twists her ear.  Bad move buddy!  Her resentment is building but she remembers her fathers policy of killing those that wrong him himself and Arya decides it isn’t right to have someone else kill people for her.  Arya would make a terrible politician.

  Weese has Arya serve some of the Mountain’s men.  She hears Chiswyck tell an oh so hilarious story about gang raping a brewer’s thirteen year old daughter.  Ew.  That was too much for her ethics so she whispered “Chiswyck” in Jaqen’s ear.  Three days later he is dead.  Supposedly from a fall.

 

Catelyn III

  Catelyn is headed to a spot near Stannis’ camp just outside of Storm’s End.  Renly is on his way as way as well.  Cat is going to attempt to negotiate a peace deal between the two feuding brothers.  Stannis arrives first bearing his new standard, the Baratheon stag inside the firey heart of R’hllor.  With him is Melisandre.  He promises justice for Ned’s death, but not before complaining about he should have been hand instead.  Seems like a blessing not to have been the hand since they tend to get murdered, but OK.  He tells her that he will return her daughters once he takes King’s Landing, but he needs Renly’s men to be on his side first.

  Renly soon arrives.  He is jaunty and flip and teases Stannis about how nobody wants to be king.  Catelyn scolds them for squabbling instead of uniting to fight the Lannisters, but they have zero fucks to give about Baratheon unity.  She points out that they are both traitors to the crown, so what difference does it make who the older brother is.  Stannis fills her in about Joffrey’s bastardy.  This is the first she’s heard of it.  Renly doesn’t seem to believe Joffrey is a bastard, or he pretends not to.

  Stannis ground his teeth.

  Renly took out a peach and started eating it.

  Maturity abounds.

  Things get even more heated and they almost come to blows.  Stannis gives Renly the night to change his mind and surrender.  Renly laughs him off because he has the bigger army.  They agree to meet at sunrise.

 

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Cerwyn who I didn’t know and Chiswyck who I didn’t like.

Cumulative deaths: 45

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

Ducksauce vs. Fedora Man: A battle for the ages

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters: Arya VI, Daenerys II, Bran IV

Booze in my flagon: Cabernet-sauvignon

 

Arya VI

  Arya is trapped in the storeroom for eight days with Genry, Hot Pie and the villagers.  The Mountain would pick a new prisoner each day to torture and question.  The main questioner/torturer is named the Tickler.  He’s good at his job.  The prisoners were always asked about whether there was gold and silver in the village and they were always asked about Beric Dondarrion, the guy Ned sent after the mountain who Sansa’s friend Jeyne Poole had a crush on.  I don’t know why the detail about Jeyne Poole was important to add.  It’s just cute and it reminds me of the hopeless crush I had on a student teacher when I was in high school.  Onto more gruesome and important things, nobody ever survives the questioning.

  The prisoners aren’t even allowed to speak.  A three year old boy and his mother were even killed because he wouldn’t stop crying.  It’s really, really horrible. Arya’s chapters in these books might be the darkest in the series.   Arya is becoming increasingly angry towards the Lannisters and one can hardly blame her.

  After the eight days in the storehouse, the remaining prisoners were forced to march to Harrenhal where Tywin Lannister and his gilded mutton chops await.  The march is depressing too.  Those too weak to keep up were killed and the women were routinely raped by the Mountain and his men.  Arya keeps looking longingly at Needle who is kept by Polliver.  She thinks that’s it’s a good thing she doesn’t have it because she’d have tried to use it against Gregor and gotten herself killed by now.  I should be disturbed by this, but to be honest, I’ve had similar thoughts whilst on an annoyingly crowded and noisy bus/airplane so…

  It’s at this point that dark Arya is creeping and she starts her pre bedtime death list prayer.  Dunsen, Polliver, Chyswyck, Raff the Sweetling, The Tickler and the Hound, Ser Amory, Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei.  I’m guessing they’re all dead before the end of the series, but GRRM loves to fuck with his readers so who knows?

  On to fun ooky horror stuff.  Arya recalls the stories Old Nan told her about Harrenhal.  It was built by one of Iron Born former rulers of the Riverlands, Harren the Black.  He supposedly mixed human blood in the mortar.  Soon after the giant monstrosity that is Harrenhal was built, Aegon came along and roasted Harren within the walls.  Oops.

  Sure enough, Harrenhal’s towers are all creepy and melty.  Think of the sand castles you make with wet goopy sand.  Hot Pie doesn’t want to go in because he’s heard it’s haunted.  Obviously he has no choice.  The prisoners are showered and inspected.  Arya gets assigned to serve as a butter churner because she has callouses on her hands from “Needle work.”  She tells the overseers that her name is Weasel.  Arya says she’d rather tend horses.  For impudence she is instead assigned to assigned to some fugly psycho named Weese.  Thus ends a chapter too bleak to properly snark.

 

Daenerys II

  Daenerys and her party approach the walls of Qarth.  A column of camels and riders are sent to escort them to the gates.  They’re all garish and fancy.  A warlock named Pyat Pree rides alongside Dany and boasts about Qarth being the “greatest city that ever was or ever will be.”  Such arrogance.  I think Qarth people are to the ASOIAF fire universe what New Yorkers are to our universe.  You know how they think they’re really important and are the only city with culture but no one else gives two shits about them?  The Qartheen seem to be the same way.

  The city also proves to be rather loud and garish, at least for my taste.  There’s lots of colors and ornate fountains and architecture.  Everyone is tall and pale and the women wear silk gowns that expose one boob.  Um, why?  I hope that trend never takes off here in real world.  Some of us need bras!

  A merchant prince named Xaro Xhoan Daxos (henceforth he will be called ducksauce) and starts having a passive aggressive argument with Pyat Pree about who should host Dany and her khalasar.  She has soured on the concept of sorcery since her experience with Mirri Maz Duur so she chooses Ducksauce.  He tells her not to trust the warlocks because they are ludicrous liars.

  Of course, Jorah the fedora’d wonder takes issue with Dany having a new manfriend.  He doesn’t want her to trust Ducksauce either.  Dany is more pragmatic and realizes she needs to suck up to rich people.  She’d make a good senator.

Ser Fedorah

I have a feeling I’ll be using this picture often.  Thanks Nice Guys of Westeros tumblr!

  Ducksauce’s estate is staggeringly vast.  Dany gets her own huge section of it.  Before the Qartheen party departs, a mysterious shadowbinder in a red lacquer mask (da fuck?) named Quaithe tells her to beware of everyone and everything in Qarth.  She insinuates that they only like her for her dragons and that’s the only reason she gets to be the new popular kid.

  Dany sends out some of her men to scope out the city.  Jorah brings back a ship captain from the summer islands named Quhuru Mo.  Another fucking Q name?  Geez.  Mo brings Dany some great news.  Robert Baratheon is dead.  But you already knew that.  Jorah is cautious, but Dany is given a new sense of hope and purpose.

 

Bran IV

  Bran has become friends with Meera and Jojen Reed.  Meera and Summer are play fighting.  He knocks her over, but she is awesome with a net and managed to ensnare Summer.  Bran asks if a master-at-arms taught her to fight with a net.  She says no.  Her father, Ned’s friend Howland taught her.  The Crannogmen hardly have a typical home.  Meera says their home, Greywater Watch moves around. So, it’s Howland’s moving castle?  It means no one, even ravens can find it.  Bran asks if he would be welcome there and Meera says yes.  Bran thinks he will ask Rodrick about it.  Rodrick is not home right now.  He’s sorting out some trouble.  Lord Roose Bolton’s bastard son kidnapped the recently widowed Lady Hornwood and forcibly married her so he might get her lands.  This has pissed off all the other Northern lords who also want to marry her and take her land.  Lord Wyman Manderly took her castle to “protect” it.  It’s a whole big thing, but I’m sure it will have no further bearing on the story :/

  Jojen, in his creepy solemn way tells Bran that he needs to peace out of Winterfell ASAP.  Jojen has prophetic dreams.  The Reeds call the greendreams.  The crow from Bran’s dream also appears to Jojen and it’s telling him they need to go north.  He says Bran needs to open his third eye so he can see beyond the physical plane or whatever.  Bran is in denial for now.  I guess that means he’s third eye blind?

  The more Jojen presses Bran to tell him of his dreams, the crankier Bran gets.  He tells Bran that he and Summer are a part of each other.  That’s why Summer is getting pissy too.  He’s being all Cujotastic and menacing the Reeds.  His rage brings Shaggydog over too.  Shit is getting serious.  The Reeds climb up a tree.  Bran calls Hodor over and Hodor calms the wolves down by chasing them and Hodoring.

  Bran has Hodor bring him to the Maester’s tower to visit Luwin.  He asks Luwin about the Children of the Forest, who supposedly had the greensight.  Just like Jojen and apparently, Bran.  He wants to know where the magic came from.  Luwin doesn’t know and he claims that all the magic is gone from the world.  He does know that the Children could supposedly see through the eyes of Weirwood trees and that’s why the First Men cut them down.  Meera later tells Bran that Luwin is full of shit and magic still exists.  Jojen had a recent dream that Bran was given delicious meat while the Walders were given gross rotten meat, but the Walders liked their meal more.  She said he’ll understand the dream later.  When the dinner that night is uneventful, Bran is able to keep in denial about his burgeoning creepy kid powers.  For now anyway.

 

Deaths in this recap:  0.  That’s 9 chapters in a row with no deaths! George, I am disappoint.

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 20. 

Cumulative incests: 26

 

Deliverance: North of the wall style.

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Jon III, Theon II, Tyrion VI

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Holy shit.  It’s been a while.  Sorry to all my vast hordes of readers :/

 

Jon III

  Jon is getting blown.  By rain lashing across his face as he rides alongside LC Mormont through the haunted forest.  It’s been raining for six days.  The NW rangers are wet, muddy, and I assume very stinky.  On the bus, whenever it’s raining and cool the combination of coats and rain always make it stink like cool ranch Doritos and mildew.  That’s how I imagine these guys smell.

  They are on their way to Craster’s keep.  Craster has a reputation for being a “kinslayer, liar, raper, and craven” who traffics with slavers and demons and worse.  But he’s a friend to the Watch and always helps them out, so they turn a blind eye.  Craster is also the Warren Jeffs of ASOIAF universe.  He has a whole harem of wives and they’re also his daughters.  Ew.

  Mormont commands Jon to ride up and down the column and warn all the NW members to keep their hand’s off the sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Why, oh, why can’t that go without saying?

  Like any good perverted rural psycho, Craster has a home that is ramshackle and filthy.  There’s even a gate with animal skulls on poles.  A ram on one side, a bear with bits of flesh on the other.  He couldn’t just have a garden gnome?

  Dolorous Edd is tending the horses.  He thinks the muddy hills surrounding Craster’s keep look like they’re made of Craster’s shit. Edd’s the best.  He’s like a combination of Daria and George Carlin.  Edd tells Jon that Mormont wants him to join all the big wigs inside the keep.  The hall is leaky and muddy and smells of dung, so maybe Edd had a point? 

  Craster is in the midst of telling Mormont and the other senior rangers that he has not seen Benjen.  Will we ever find uncle Stark?  Mormont offers to allow Craster and his wives south of the Wall, but Craster will have none of it.  Even hearing the tale of Rykker and Flowers becoming wights doesn’t sway him.  Craster only says that he is a godly man.  What gods protect from the wights and the Others?  It’s all incredibly creepy.

  Craster does offer to share what info he has on Mance Rayder.  If the NW gives him some wine and an.  Finally, Craster does something I can understand!  He then sees Jon and somehow notices that he looks like a Stark.  He’s pretty contemptuous upon finding out that he’s a bastard.  According to Craster you should marry every woman you bed.  I guess this makes him a dream man for the rom-com fans.

  Later Jon is outside.  He sees Ghost menacing one of Craster’s sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Well, not so much menacing as stealing Craster’s rabbits.  She’s pregnant and some of the other NW men take this as a signal that she should be harassed and teased.  One of them is Chett, he of the face boils.  The girl runs away.

  The next morning, Jon wakes up to find that same girl.  She is wrapped up in Sam’s cloak.  She wants Jon to take her away with them when they go.  It seems Sam gave her the impression that that was a possibility.  She introduces herself as Gilly.  She wants to escape for the safety of her baby.  She thinks she’s going to have a boy and Craster always gives the boy babies to the gods whenever the “white cold” comes.  Jon inquires about gods she means.  She says “The cold gods, the ones in the night.  The white shadows.”  So very creepy.

                                   I’m from MN.  I had to do it.

Jon had to inform Gilly again that it was a no go.  He doesn’t have a choice, but feels guilty and mad at Sam for getting her hopes up.

  After breakfast, Jon confronts Mormont about what he’s figured about Craster’s nighttime activities.  To nobody’s surprise, Mormont already knows.  Mormont is a pragmatic sort and he tells Jon that Craster has provided so much aid to the NW that there’s no choice but to turn a blind eye.  After that life lesson about realpolitik is dispensed, he also informs Jon that Mance is gathering the wildings at the Frostfangs, a mountain range. That is why the villages have all been empty.  We leave the chapter on the brutal realization that the NW is a shell of its former self and the wildlings far outnumber them.

 

Theon II

  Theon is looking at his new ship and sees a woman approaching him.  He’s kind of the Beavis and Butthead of Westeros so of course he’s pretty pleased about this.  He hits on her very aggressively and creepily.  She tells him that she’s married and pregs and gives him some snark.  Of course, this just turns him on more because he’s one of those guys.  She tells him that her name is Esgred and she knows he’s Theon Greyjoy.  After much bantering, including talk of naming the ship the Sea Bitch, Theon invites Esgred back to Pyke with him.  She agrees.  He fetches his squire, a mute named Wex from a local inn and get on their way.

  Theon and Esgred share a horse because they aren’t all that common on the Iron Islands.  Theon is a gross creeper and he keeps trying to fondle Esgred.  If Theon were in our society, he’d be that guy who sends dick pics to random women on OK Cupid.  He also spends much of the ride bragging about how he is Balon’s heir and what a great man he is. 

  When they get to Pyke, the stablemen came out to greet them.  He addressed Esgred as Asha.  Asha is Theon’s older sister.  That’s right.  Theon was hitting on his sister this who time and she didn’t bother to tell him.  Oh, George.  You and your incest.  It’s been 10 years.  She used to have pimples and no boobs.  Now she has boobs and no pimples.  Apparently, since Theon only tells women apart by boob size and shape he couldn’t recognize her.  When he asks why she let him make an ass of himself, Asha says that she wanted to see who he really was.

  Theon goes to his room and sulks for awhile and blames his fuckery on Asha being an evil bitch.  Then he heads down to dinner.  Most of Balon’s allies are there.  None of them have any fucks to give about Theon’s presence.  Once seated, Theon orders wine from the servants while Asha orders ale.  This emasculates poor Theon further.  Then Asha brings out her axe, smashes it into the table and declares it her lord husband.  She does that to mock Theon and everyone in the hall joins in the mockery.  Asha is a grade A troll really.  She points out that he is not trusted because he spent so much time on the green lands with the Starks.  And their laws don’t apply.  Theon isn’t necessarily the heir just because he is Balon’s only living son.

  After dinner, Balon convenes a meeting.  He tells Theon to take a mere 8 longships and harry the Stony Shore.  That’s a shitty rural coastal area in the north.  He will be accompanied by Aeron the boring religious uncle and Dagmar Cleftjaw who’s actually sort of cool (by Ironborn standards).  This is a huge dis and will bring Theon no glory.  Asha gets 30 ships and is commanded to take Deepwood Motte, the castle belonging to Lord Glover.  Victarion, Balon’s brother gets the best job of all.  Taking Moat Cailin on the neck between the north and south.  Theon is thoroughly humiliated.

 

Tyrion VI

  Tyrion goes to visit Cersei in her chambers.  Lancel is there and he seems to be all pissy about Tyrion’s arrival.  Tyrion wants to speak with his sister privately.  She sends Lancel away.  Lancel gives Tyrion a dirty look.

  Tyrion tells Cersei that he has received news about Stannis sailing from Dragonstone.  Cersei immediately starts panicking.  Tyrion laughs at her.  Because the news is good.  Stannis is riding out to lay siege to Storm’s End.  He’s fighting Renly, not the Lannisters.  Thus Cersei’s mood changes to elation.  She thinks they might be even stupider than Robert.  The mirth is so great that they’re even buddy buddy for a minute.  Tyrion is confident that they will not reach any sort of peace agreement.  They decided to toast ironically to Stannis.  Tyrion pours the wine and slips her a powdered drug.  Remember his visit to Pycelle?

  It turns out the drug was a laxative.  Cersei is too busy having dia to come to court the next day.  Best poisoning ever!  The first person Tyrion call on at court is Ser Cleo Frey, the guy Robb sent with peace terms earlier.  He tells Cleos that he will not accept the term and that the only term Joffrey will accept is Robb’s complete surrender and the release of Jaime.  Cleos has to leave again with nothing but Ned’s bones and threats of Tywin’s imminent asskicking of Robb.  Tyrion sends Cleos away with all the Lannister guard.  This shocks much of the court, particularly Pycelle.

  The next man to speak is Alliser Thorne of the NW.  Tyrion is shocked to see him.  Alliser tells the story of the wights, but he is met only with skepticism.  Unfortunately, the dead black hand had rotted while Alliser was rotting in the cells and he has no proof.  He is sent back almost empty handed.  Tyrion’s snarky ass gives him spades to bury the dead with so they don’t come back.  He does offer up the city’s criminals for service on the wall.  Alliser takes no guff from imps so he calls Tyrion a fool.  It does no good.  Alliser is sent off humiliated.

  After court, Littlefinger expresses his ire at Tyrion for having been lied to about the Myrcella’s marriage prospects.  Bad enemy to make Ty Ty!  After that talk he tells Varys that sending away Cersei’s guards was a ruse to infiltrate Riverrun and save Jaime.

   Later that night, Tyrion and Shagga bust down Pycelle’s door.  He was in there with a whore.  Maesters are supposed to be celibate.  Oops!  I guess we should be grateful it was a consenting adult?  You see, Pycelle is in trouble for spilling the beans to Cersei.  Tyrion has Shagga cut off Pycelle’s super dignified Nostradamus beard and throw him in the cells.  But not before Pycelle reveals that it was he, out of Lannister loyalty that talked Aerys into opening the gates of King’s Landing during Robert’s rebellion.  This was supposed to be a comfort to Tyrion but it just makes him think Pycelle is super shady.  Tyrion accuses Pycelle of poisoning Jon Arryn.  Pycelle, of course denies it.  The chapter ends with poor shifty Pycelle getting dragged away to the black cells.

Deaths in this recap:  0.  That’s 6 chapters in a row with no deaths! George, I am disappoint.

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 20.  This one really upped the incest ante!  There’s Theon hitting on Asha.  Then there’s Craster’s 19 sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Yikes! 

Cumulative incests: 26