Tag Archive | arya

Weasel soup

Book I am reading: A Clash of Kings

Chapters: Arya IX, Daenerys IV, Tyrion XI

Booze in my flagon: Pinot grigio

 

Arya IX

  Arya goes to visit Hot Pie in the kitchen.  He is making tarts for Amory Lorch and Arya wants to spit on them.  She’d make a perfect service sector employee!  I don’t even mean that sarcastically.  A lot of customers deserve that shit.  Arya’s new boss Pinkeye is an alcoholic and passes out every night so she’s feeling a little bolder than she did under Weese.  She proposes escaping but Hot Pie doesn’t actually want to escape because living in the forest and eating bugs kind of sucks.  Arya hears a horn that indicates the gates are being opened and so she steals a tart and goes to see what’s happening.

  It’s the Bloody Mummers returning.  They’ve brought a big black bear with them.  They also have a bunch of prisoners.  The prisoners are all bearing northern sigils.  The prisoners include two nobles, a Glover and a Frey.  There’s a little bit of tension because Amory Lorch and Vargo Hoat hate each other.  I guess there’s only room for one complete and utter sociopathic douchebag per zip code?

  Pinkeye comes down to see the commotion so Arya runs off to escape notice.  She goes past the armory and has a headlong into puberty moment when she sees Gendry doing his metal work and being all muscley and sexy.  She asks him to help her free the Northern/Riverlands prisoners but he isn’t anymore into it than Hot Pie was.

  Finally, Arya realizes that she’s going to have to resort to getting her last name from Jaqen.  She’s been a little afraid of him ever since he Cesar Millaned that dog into killing Weese.  She realizes he’s more of a sorcerer than just a really bad ass assassin.

But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Arya prays to the weirwood tree in Harrenhal’s godswood to get the northerners out and then remembers the Old Gods (OGs?) didn’t do jack shit to help her dad so she starts yelling at them.  Jaqen sneaks up behind her and says “Gods are not mocked, girl.”  Clearly he has never seen any George Carlin standup.  He’s creepy and hot as usual and reveals that he knows she is Arya Stark even though Gendry didn’t spill the beans.

  However, Jaqen won’t help her.  She needs two guards to die to get the Northmen out and she only has one name left.  She makes him swear that he would kill anyone she named no matter what.  She whispers in his name “It’s Jaqen H’ghar.”  Oh snap!

  The ploy works.  He agrees to help her if she takes back his name.  Smart girl!  Jaqen tells her to go to the kitchens to help make a broth and wait for him there.

  Jaqen finally comes to fetch Arya.  Unfortunately he brings those fucks Rorge and Biter with him.  Arya is not too pleased about that.  They all carry a bunch of soup pots into the dungeon.  Jaqen tells Arya to stay out of the way.  Jaqen, Rorge and Biter all threw the soup in the guard’s eyes allowing them to kill them all and let Robett Glover, Aenys Frey and the rest out.  This allows the Northmen to outnumber the small garrison holding Harrenhal.  They took it over.

  Jaqen and Arya agree that his debt is paid and she unsays his name.  Then some freaky shit happens.  He declares Jaqen dead, rubs his hand across his face and becomes an entire new person.  Whoa!

The Artist Formerly Known as Jaqen H’ghar tells Arya that if she comes across the Narrow Sea with him she can learn how to take a new face and name too.  She tells him no because she wants to get home so he gives her an iron coin.  He tells her to give it to any man from Braavos and say “valar morghulis” to find him again.  He leaves in a mysterious swirl of darkness and awesomeness.

  Overnight, the Bloody Mummers turned cloak and joined the northerners, killing Amory Lorch’s men.  The incident becomes known around the castle as dying of hot Weasel Soup.

  That evening the new master of Harrenhal arrives.  It’s Roose Bolton.  Rorge and Biter out Arya as the one responsible for Weasel Soup.  Roose is somewhat impressed so he makes her his cup bearer.  The Bloody Mummers give Amory Lorch to the bear to be torn apart.  Oh well.

 

Daenerys IV

  Dany expects the House of the Undying to be extra opulent.  But it isn’t.  It’s a crumbling ruin.  By the way, this chapter would be best if I was on hallucinogens rather than alcohol, but I’ll do my best.

  The building looks like a serpent and is surrounded by trees whose plants make the Shade of the Evening which is the magic drink the warlocks take.  Jhogo thinks it looks evil and Aggo agrees.  Xaro and Jorah tell her the Warlocks are worthless and won’t do anything for her.  Dany does not heed the warnings and even when Pyat Pree tells her she has to go alone she’ s still desperate enough to agree to those terms.

  Pyat tells Dany the Undying Ones are dangerous and if she values her soul she’ll to always take the rightward door and climb up never down.  He tells her not to enter any room until she gets to the audience chamber.  A dwarf gives her a glass of evening shade and Pyat tells her she has to take it.  This is sounding sketchier by the moment.  At least she has Drogon with her!

  Dany sees many creepy things, A naked woman being eaten by little rat men, a bunch of corpses killed at a feast while a dead man with a wolf head presides, her old house with the lemon tree and Willem Darry, a Targ (Rhaegar) on the iron throne with baby Aegon saying there must be one more because the dragon must have three heads.

  Dany reaches a dead end.  There are only stairs going down and there are no doors on the right.  Drogon is freaking out.  Then it occurs to her that the first door on the right = the last door on the left.  Yay!

  Finally she bursts out into the courtyard to find Pyat standing there telling her she’s only been gone a few minutes.  Dafuq?  That’s like the end of Contact (movie version).  He tries to guide her away but she decides to take the next rightward door anyway.  This causes him to cry and yell.  She turns out to have made the good choice.  She gets to an ebony and weirwood door and beyond it are wizards that seem like they must be the Undying. 

  Drogon freaks out and bites at the ebony and weirwood door.  She runs away and into a room with a big stone table.  Above the table floats a big blue throbbing heart.  Huh?  Around the table are blue shadows.  Maybe these are the real undying?  Maybe Dany is just high as fuck?  All the creepy Undying people are blue and withered and don’t breathe or move.  They just whisper.  Ick.

  They tell her “three heads has the dragon…three fires must you light…one for life and one for death and one to love…three mounts must you ride …one to bed and one to dread and one to love…three treasons will you know…once for blood and once for gold and once for love.”  So many ellipses!  So many…so many…

  They call her “mother of dragons, daughter of death” and show her Viserys dying, a man with silver hair and copper skin before a fiery stallion banner, Rhaegar dying with his rubies, a red sword in the hand of a blue eyed king who casts no shadow (Stannis prolly) and a mummer’s cloth dragon.

 Fuck me this chapter is cool to read but a pain to write up.  Is it over yet?  No?  Ok…

  A stone beast flies from a burning tower and the phantoms say “mother of dragons, slayer of lies…” and then she sees a corpse on ship and the phantoms say “mother of dragons, bride of fire…”  More ellipses!  So many!

  Then the visions come to fast to process, the phantoms start grasping her and then Drogon comes to the rescue.  He burns them and burns the whole damn building.  Dany escapes and Pyat is pissed.  Now I think I’m tripping by proxy 😦

 

Tyrion XI

  It’s the eve of battle with Stannis.  Tyrion sends Shagga and the Stone Crows to hunt down his scouts.  Sending the clansmen away leaves Tyrion feel vulnerable because he doesn’t trust Bronn’s sellswords.  Can’t imagine why :/

  Tyrion also doesn’t trust the Gold Cloaks.  Neither does their leader Jacelyn Bywater.  He thinks they’ll desert if the battle starts turning against the Lannisters.  It’s looking bad.  So bad.  Especially since the smallfolk are still hungry and pissed off.  Who can blame them? 

  Tyrion reflects on the loss of Harrenhal for the Lannisters and the loss of Winterfell for the Starks.  Tyrion finds himself empathetic to the Starks but pushes that thought of the way.  Don’t try to hide it Tyrion.  You know you’re as much of a Stark fan as most of the readers!  Especially since no one likes Theon.

  Later Tyrion goes to the swearing in ceremony for the new King’s Guard.  He approves of Balon Swann.  He doesn’t approve of Osmund Kettleblack.  Kettleblack is shady.  We know this is true because of literary shorthand/stereotyping.  He’s low born with a hook nose and a spade shaped beard.  Like the devil.  Oh noes!

  Later Tyrion meets with Pyromancer (pie romancer!) Hallyne.  Hallyne claims to have 13,000 jars of wildfire.  Tyrion is skeptical but Hallyne claims that in addition to finding an old cache, the spells to make new “substance” are working better than usual.  We are to infer that it’s because of the dragons.  Hallyne even asks if there are dragons about.  Tyrion is skeptical of course but Hallyne remembers that magic died out with the last dragon so it is all kinds of suspicious.

  Later on Varys arrives with the news that some people think Stannis will win and are on his side.  They call themselves the Antler Men.  Tyrion orders them arrested.

 

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Amory Lorch of course.  I’m also counting Jaqen.

Cumulative deaths: 59

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  I’m counting Arya saying Jaqen’s name.  I understand it, but it was still kind of shitty.

Cumulative betrayals: 15

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

 

Fiery Bush

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:   Arya VIII, Catelyn V, Daenerys III

Booze in my flagon:  Today I’m going hipster c. 2005 and drinking PBR

 

Arya VIII

  Harrenhal is in chaos because Tywin is finally marching.  Arya has been running a whole lot of messages back and forth and Weese is being an insufferable asshole.  He tells Arya if she runs away he’ll give her to Vargo Hoat who likes to chop off limbs (ooh foreshadowing).  She’s been desperately looking for Jaqen H’ghar because she Tywin is taking the Mountain, Dunsen, Polliver, and Raff with him.

  Arya is sent to deliver a message to the armory.  There she sees Gendry and can’t help but notice his naked sweaty chest.  I feel you, girl.

Gendry is kind of a humorless dolt and doesn’t realize he’s a cover of a romance novel so all he wants to is scold Arya for yelling “Winterfell!” while fighting back at the holdfast, thus possibly giving away her identity.  It seems Hot Pie ratted her out.  Bad Hot Pie! In penance you shall make lots of wolf bread.  Oh right, that’s only in the show.

  On the way back to Weese, Arya overhears people gossiping about Robb.  They are discussing rumors that he is a warg with giants in his army.  For a minute she feels her Stark feels coming back to her but Weese comes up and interrupts her being an asshole as usual.  He even slaps her hard enough to make her taste blood.  Now she hates him.  Watch yourself Weese.

  While delivering yet another message she runs into Rorge who of course harasses in a most icky way.  Luckily he doesn’t do anything because she asks about Jaqen and he seems afraid of him.  He tells her Jaqen is in the bathhouse.  He’s lounging in the bath and despite how much her life sucks right now at least she gets plenty of eye candy today.  She whispers “Weese” in his here.  Gah!  This might be the only point in the series that I get mad at Arya.  She had a chance to take out Tywin!  Noooo!

  I guess it’s well deserved though.  At dinner time he catches her staring at him and smacks her, shoves her, and threatens to gouge out her eyes.  Classy.  Unfortunately, Jaqen doesn’t get him that night and he’s still terrorizing her in the morning.  As she watches Tywin and company march off she finally regrets her strategic blunder.  She runs off to find Jaqen to see if she can reverse her choice.  As she’s running she hears a loud shriek.  It’s Weese who had taken a fall and died.  Jaqen is leaning against the wall looking all sly.  She only has one kill left.

 

Catelyn V

  Two days ride from Riverrun Cat and Brienne run into a scout for the Freys.  Um, good?  She finds out the Blackfish has gone west with Robb so she has to settle for a visit to the camp of Martyn Rivers, one of Walder’s bastards.  Rivers tells her that he has orders to bring her back to Riverrun because with Tywin on the move it is not safe to be out roaming around.  This is troubling news.  Thanks Obama Arya! 

  The battle at Oxcross is recounted for the third.  Blah, blah, blah.  I guess I’m a stereotypical girl in a few ways because battle talk does not interest me at all.  It’s second only to poems and songs (looking at you Tolkien) in things I skim while reading fantasy.  Anyway, Cat is not pleased with the nasty rumor that Robb cut out Stafford Lannister’s heart and fed it to Grey Wind.  I would be quite pleased with that rumor actually, scaring your enemy has to be a good thing.

  That night, Brienne approaches Cat to ask her if she can be released.  She’s been quiet and socially awkward so far, not bonding with anyone so it isn’t a huge surprise.  Brienne wants to go back to Storm’s End.  To vengeance kill Stannis.  Cat convinces her not to by commiserating about her grief over Ned and convincing her to live in the now and all that Lifetime movie stuff.  Erm, sorry.  I’m bad with sentiment.  She wants Brienne to serve Robb and fight for him, but she would rather serve Catelyn.   She only asks that she not her back if she gets the opportunity to kill Stannis.  Catelyn agrees and Brienne pledges to serve her.

  When they get near Riverrun the next day Cat notices that camps are set up again.  It looks like Edmure is intending to fight Tywin there at the Red Fork.  This makes Cat nervous for some reason.  Probably because Edmure is kind of an idiot.  The walls of Riverrun are full of decomposing hanged Lannister men.  Yet another thing that makes Cat uneasy.  It seems like everything makes her uneasy.  She’s a little afraid that Jaime is one of those bodies.

  I just have to stop here and note that the book describes Edmure’s beard as a fiery bush.  Hahaha!  That sounds a whole lot like fire crotch to me.  Maybe I’m just gross.  Especially since fire crotch always conjures up images of a fire ant colony residing on someone’s crotch.

  Anyway…

  It turns out the hanged men were Cleos’ envoys.  They broke out Jaime who was retaken, but with some casualties.  This happened while Edmure was out whoring so this news puts Cat in, you guessed it, a bad mood.  Robb wanted her to go off to the Twins but she refuses because she wants to be with her dying father and does not want to have to pick Robb’s bride for him.  She also tells him she disapproves of his plan to fight Tywin.  Edmure’s all embarrassed to have s girl tell him what do.  Of course he is not swayed away from his bad ideas.

  She goes to visit Hoster.  Sadly, Hoster has dementia or something and thinks she is Lysa about to be married to Jon Arryn.  He speaks of some “wretched stripling” that Lysa wanted to be with, but Catelyn isn’t sure who that is.  In other depressing news, when she gets back to her bed chamber she finds that Ned’s bones have been delivered.  Sans ice.

 

Daenerys III

  Dany has been going about Qarth begging for ships and money and she keeps striking out.  IIRC this chapter has a lot of stuff of about the ins and outs of Quartheen society and politics.  It’s OK to read but I don’t feel the need to recap it because it isn’t all that important.  This might be a short one.  Basically, everything is fancy and the people are pale, cold and unempathetic.  Think of it as the ASOIAF version of one of those neighborhoods with a lot of huge McMansions and tacky cars.  The main thing to glean from this is that they have a guild of assassins called the Sorrowful Men who apologize before they kill you.  So you can’t fuck with any of the wealthy people in Qarth.  She hates being a beggar like Viserys but is grateful for the dragons.  And did I mention she’s wearing the fashionable dress of Qartheen ladies?  It’s a dress that lets one boob hang out.  I’d hate to see what one of those would like on me.

  Xaro has been nice housing Dany and her people but he won’t give her anything either.  Not unless she marries him.  He tries to claim he is into her, but he is obviously gay.  They stop to watch a firemage who is doing all sorts of neat fire tricks.  Quaithe creepily pops out of nowhere.  She tells Dany that this firemage used to have no fire game at all but all of a sudden he has power.  Quaithe claim it’s because of her and her waking of the dragons.  She also counsels Dany to get out of Qarth and go to Asshai instead.

  Later, back at Xaro’s manse Dany is talking to Jorah.  He has found out why Xaro wants to marry her.  The Qartheen have a wedding custom that allows each spouse to ask the other for one gift.  That gift can not be refused.  He’s trying to trick her into giving him a dragon.  She decides to leave town.  But first she will go to Pyat Pree and the warlocks

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Weese.  I won’t miss you, child beater.

Cumulative deaths: 51

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 13

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

.

Kissin’ Cousins

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion VII, Arya VII, Catelyn

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Tyrion VII

  Cersei has Tyrion awakened by cousin Lancel in the middle of night.  Tyrion figures she thinks his wits might be slower, but he’s an insomniac so it he’s used to thinking while tired.  Not that it takes much to outwit Cersei.  Everyone but Ned can do it.  Lancel via Cersei wants Tyrion to release Pycelle.  Lancel tries to be intimidating but it doesn’t really work and Tyrion accuses him of having an affair with Cersei.  Lancel is a giant wuss.  He folds and admits to participating in the death of Robert and doing Cersei.

Pretty soon, Lancel is begging for mercy and pledges to spy for Tyrion.  Tyrion tells him he’ll release and advises Lancel not to knock Cersei up.

  Feeling drunk on awesomeness, Tyrion has Bronn take to see Shae.  Her guard is an ugly man with a hare lip and a lazy eye because Tyrion doesn’t want any hotties hanging around Shae.  He wakes up Shae with oral sex and thinks about great his life going and how powerful he is.  I’m sure that will last. 

 

Arya VII

  Arya has settled in to life as a serving girl in Harrenhal.  Compared to hanging out with The Mountain it doesn’t seem to bad.  Hot Pie gets to work in the kitchens because fatty love cake amirite?!  Gendry was sent to the forge.  Tywin is there but she never gets anywhere near him.  Her boss, Weese is a huge asshole who has his dog maul servants that piss him off.  This earns him a place in Arya’s prayers.

  A couple weeks later a group of mercenaries called the Bloody Mummers by others and the Brave Companions by themselves arrives at Harrenhal.  They’re a variety of nationalities and they’re led by Vargo Hoat.  He has a lisp.  They’re a troublesome lot and fights break out between them and the Lannisters their very first night.  Luckily, they soon leave but not before Arya hears them speak about Robb being at Riverrun.  Now she knows he’s close.

  There are also hostages from the north who have freedom of the castle.  One of them is Lord Cerwyn.  She doesn’t know the other two. She thinks Cerwyn might remember and help her, but he was injured and dies before she can talk to him.

  On yet another day, she sees Amory Lorch.  Rorge, Biter and Jaqen H’ghar are working for him.  That pisses her off and she starts to wish she let them die.  That night, Arya is having a wolf dream when Jaqen wakes her up.  He leads her into the cellar.  Hopefully this won’t turn into a Lifetime movie about sexual predators…

  Nope!  He just wants to tell Arya that he owes her a debt.  Since she saved three lives he will kill three people of her choosing.  Only death pays for life.  You would think it would be appropriate for him to save three lives at her behest, but hey, this is Westeros.  Even help is dark and nefarious.  She thinks it over and decides it might be more practical to get someone in the vicinity than someone in King’s Landing.

  The next morning, Weese threatens to cut out Arya’s tongue and then he twists her ear.  Bad move buddy!  Her resentment is building but she remembers her fathers policy of killing those that wrong him himself and Arya decides it isn’t right to have someone else kill people for her.  Arya would make a terrible politician.

  Weese has Arya serve some of the Mountain’s men.  She hears Chiswyck tell an oh so hilarious story about gang raping a brewer’s thirteen year old daughter.  Ew.  That was too much for her ethics so she whispered “Chiswyck” in Jaqen’s ear.  Three days later he is dead.  Supposedly from a fall.

 

Catelyn III

  Catelyn is headed to a spot near Stannis’ camp just outside of Storm’s End.  Renly is on his way as way as well.  Cat is going to attempt to negotiate a peace deal between the two feuding brothers.  Stannis arrives first bearing his new standard, the Baratheon stag inside the firey heart of R’hllor.  With him is Melisandre.  He promises justice for Ned’s death, but not before complaining about he should have been hand instead.  Seems like a blessing not to have been the hand since they tend to get murdered, but OK.  He tells her that he will return her daughters once he takes King’s Landing, but he needs Renly’s men to be on his side first.

  Renly soon arrives.  He is jaunty and flip and teases Stannis about how nobody wants to be king.  Catelyn scolds them for squabbling instead of uniting to fight the Lannisters, but they have zero fucks to give about Baratheon unity.  She points out that they are both traitors to the crown, so what difference does it make who the older brother is.  Stannis fills her in about Joffrey’s bastardy.  This is the first she’s heard of it.  Renly doesn’t seem to believe Joffrey is a bastard, or he pretends not to.

  Stannis ground his teeth.

  Renly took out a peach and started eating it.

  Maturity abounds.

  Things get even more heated and they almost come to blows.  Stannis gives Renly the night to change his mind and surrender.  Renly laughs him off because he has the bigger army.  They agree to meet at sunrise.

 

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Cerwyn who I didn’t know and Chiswyck who I didn’t like.

Cumulative deaths: 45

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

Ducksauce vs. Fedora Man: A battle for the ages

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters: Arya VI, Daenerys II, Bran IV

Booze in my flagon: Cabernet-sauvignon

 

Arya VI

  Arya is trapped in the storeroom for eight days with Genry, Hot Pie and the villagers.  The Mountain would pick a new prisoner each day to torture and question.  The main questioner/torturer is named the Tickler.  He’s good at his job.  The prisoners were always asked about whether there was gold and silver in the village and they were always asked about Beric Dondarrion, the guy Ned sent after the mountain who Sansa’s friend Jeyne Poole had a crush on.  I don’t know why the detail about Jeyne Poole was important to add.  It’s just cute and it reminds me of the hopeless crush I had on a student teacher when I was in high school.  Onto more gruesome and important things, nobody ever survives the questioning.

  The prisoners aren’t even allowed to speak.  A three year old boy and his mother were even killed because he wouldn’t stop crying.  It’s really, really horrible. Arya’s chapters in these books might be the darkest in the series.   Arya is becoming increasingly angry towards the Lannisters and one can hardly blame her.

  After the eight days in the storehouse, the remaining prisoners were forced to march to Harrenhal where Tywin Lannister and his gilded mutton chops await.  The march is depressing too.  Those too weak to keep up were killed and the women were routinely raped by the Mountain and his men.  Arya keeps looking longingly at Needle who is kept by Polliver.  She thinks that’s it’s a good thing she doesn’t have it because she’d have tried to use it against Gregor and gotten herself killed by now.  I should be disturbed by this, but to be honest, I’ve had similar thoughts whilst on an annoyingly crowded and noisy bus/airplane so…

  It’s at this point that dark Arya is creeping and she starts her pre bedtime death list prayer.  Dunsen, Polliver, Chyswyck, Raff the Sweetling, The Tickler and the Hound, Ser Amory, Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei.  I’m guessing they’re all dead before the end of the series, but GRRM loves to fuck with his readers so who knows?

  On to fun ooky horror stuff.  Arya recalls the stories Old Nan told her about Harrenhal.  It was built by one of Iron Born former rulers of the Riverlands, Harren the Black.  He supposedly mixed human blood in the mortar.  Soon after the giant monstrosity that is Harrenhal was built, Aegon came along and roasted Harren within the walls.  Oops.

  Sure enough, Harrenhal’s towers are all creepy and melty.  Think of the sand castles you make with wet goopy sand.  Hot Pie doesn’t want to go in because he’s heard it’s haunted.  Obviously he has no choice.  The prisoners are showered and inspected.  Arya gets assigned to serve as a butter churner because she has callouses on her hands from “Needle work.”  She tells the overseers that her name is Weasel.  Arya says she’d rather tend horses.  For impudence she is instead assigned to assigned to some fugly psycho named Weese.  Thus ends a chapter too bleak to properly snark.

 

Daenerys II

  Daenerys and her party approach the walls of Qarth.  A column of camels and riders are sent to escort them to the gates.  They’re all garish and fancy.  A warlock named Pyat Pree rides alongside Dany and boasts about Qarth being the “greatest city that ever was or ever will be.”  Such arrogance.  I think Qarth people are to the ASOIAF fire universe what New Yorkers are to our universe.  You know how they think they’re really important and are the only city with culture but no one else gives two shits about them?  The Qartheen seem to be the same way.

  The city also proves to be rather loud and garish, at least for my taste.  There’s lots of colors and ornate fountains and architecture.  Everyone is tall and pale and the women wear silk gowns that expose one boob.  Um, why?  I hope that trend never takes off here in real world.  Some of us need bras!

  A merchant prince named Xaro Xhoan Daxos (henceforth he will be called ducksauce) and starts having a passive aggressive argument with Pyat Pree about who should host Dany and her khalasar.  She has soured on the concept of sorcery since her experience with Mirri Maz Duur so she chooses Ducksauce.  He tells her not to trust the warlocks because they are ludicrous liars.

  Of course, Jorah the fedora’d wonder takes issue with Dany having a new manfriend.  He doesn’t want her to trust Ducksauce either.  Dany is more pragmatic and realizes she needs to suck up to rich people.  She’d make a good senator.

Ser Fedorah

I have a feeling I’ll be using this picture often.  Thanks Nice Guys of Westeros tumblr!

  Ducksauce’s estate is staggeringly vast.  Dany gets her own huge section of it.  Before the Qartheen party departs, a mysterious shadowbinder in a red lacquer mask (da fuck?) named Quaithe tells her to beware of everyone and everything in Qarth.  She insinuates that they only like her for her dragons and that’s the only reason she gets to be the new popular kid.

  Dany sends out some of her men to scope out the city.  Jorah brings back a ship captain from the summer islands named Quhuru Mo.  Another fucking Q name?  Geez.  Mo brings Dany some great news.  Robert Baratheon is dead.  But you already knew that.  Jorah is cautious, but Dany is given a new sense of hope and purpose.

 

Bran IV

  Bran has become friends with Meera and Jojen Reed.  Meera and Summer are play fighting.  He knocks her over, but she is awesome with a net and managed to ensnare Summer.  Bran asks if a master-at-arms taught her to fight with a net.  She says no.  Her father, Ned’s friend Howland taught her.  The Crannogmen hardly have a typical home.  Meera says their home, Greywater Watch moves around. So, it’s Howland’s moving castle?  It means no one, even ravens can find it.  Bran asks if he would be welcome there and Meera says yes.  Bran thinks he will ask Rodrick about it.  Rodrick is not home right now.  He’s sorting out some trouble.  Lord Roose Bolton’s bastard son kidnapped the recently widowed Lady Hornwood and forcibly married her so he might get her lands.  This has pissed off all the other Northern lords who also want to marry her and take her land.  Lord Wyman Manderly took her castle to “protect” it.  It’s a whole big thing, but I’m sure it will have no further bearing on the story :/

  Jojen, in his creepy solemn way tells Bran that he needs to peace out of Winterfell ASAP.  Jojen has prophetic dreams.  The Reeds call the greendreams.  The crow from Bran’s dream also appears to Jojen and it’s telling him they need to go north.  He says Bran needs to open his third eye so he can see beyond the physical plane or whatever.  Bran is in denial for now.  I guess that means he’s third eye blind?

  The more Jojen presses Bran to tell him of his dreams, the crankier Bran gets.  He tells Bran that he and Summer are a part of each other.  That’s why Summer is getting pissy too.  He’s being all Cujotastic and menacing the Reeds.  His rage brings Shaggydog over too.  Shit is getting serious.  The Reeds climb up a tree.  Bran calls Hodor over and Hodor calms the wolves down by chasing them and Hodoring.

  Bran has Hodor bring him to the Maester’s tower to visit Luwin.  He asks Luwin about the Children of the Forest, who supposedly had the greensight.  Just like Jojen and apparently, Bran.  He wants to know where the magic came from.  Luwin doesn’t know and he claims that all the magic is gone from the world.  He does know that the Children could supposedly see through the eyes of Weirwood trees and that’s why the First Men cut them down.  Meera later tells Bran that Luwin is full of shit and magic still exists.  Jojen had a recent dream that Bran was given delicious meat while the Walders were given gross rotten meat, but the Walders liked their meal more.  She said he’ll understand the dream later.  When the dinner that night is uneventful, Bran is able to keep in denial about his burgeoning creepy kid powers.  For now anyway.

 

Deaths in this recap:  0.  That’s 9 chapters in a row with no deaths! George, I am disappoint.

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 20. 

Cumulative incests: 26

 

Gossip Girl

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion IV, Sansa II, Arya V

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Tyrion IV

  Tyrion is meeting with Pycelle.  He has Pycelle send a letter to the prince of Dorne, Doran Martell.  Dorne is the southernmost part of Westeros.  There is a lot of dessert and mountains making them difficult to control by force.  It’s too hard for armies to invade.  They remained an independent kingdom for a long time after Aegon’s conquest.  They at last came into the realm via a marriage alliance with the Targaryens.  They have yet to take a side in the current secession dispute.

  While Pycelle is off sending the raven, Tyrion snoops in Pycelle’s bottles of poison and steals one.  Which one we are not told.  After the meeting Tyrion rejoins Bronn.  Bronn tells him that a moneylender from the Iron Bank of Braavos has asked after Tyrion.  The crown owes the Iron Bank a buttload of money.  Tyrion brushes it off.  That can’t possibly be a bad idea that will come back to bite the Lannisters later.

  Bronn also informs Tyrion that the peasants are getting restless.  The Tyrells and Renly have cut off food supplies from the reach and food is getting hard to come by.  He also mentions that Alliser Thorne has arrived.  He decides to let him sweat it out for awhile because he doesn’t like Alliser.  It kind of reminds me of the Wizard of Oz.  The book of course.

  On the way back home Tyrion runs into Cersei and her assorted minions.  She gets all up on his jock about what she perceives as his lack of concern for security of the city.  She’s also peeved that he hasn’t figured out to get Jaime back.  She calls him useless and storms off.  Tyrion is more worried out about Stannis than Renly.  Varys has been getting no intelligence from Dragonstone.

  He arrives home to find Littlefinger lounging villainously in his solar.  He’s watching Joffrey try to shoot rabbits with his crossbow and failing miserably.  Because Joffrey is bad at everything and sucks forever.  LF is flaunting the dagger used in Bran’s murder attempt.  Tyrion can’t do anything to LF at the moment because they need his money making prowess.  LF knows it so he’s acting like a shit about it.  Tyrion tells LF he wants him to persuade Lysa Arryn to swear fealty to Joffrey and pledge her swords in exchange for a marriage pact between Robert Arryn and Myrcella.  Poor Myrcella!  For this service, LF will get Harrenhal.  Littlefinger agrees to the plan.

  The next visitor a few hours later is Varys.  Varys knows about the raven to Dorne and the plan to wed Myrcella to Robert Arryn already.  So creepy.  He’s pretty much the gossip girl of Westeros. He tells Varys he plans to send Tommen away to Dorne.  He asks him not to tell Cersei about of this stuff.

 

Sansa II

 Sansa finds a mysterious note under her pillow.  It says Come to the godswood tonight, if you want to go home.  She is hopeful that it is someone who really wants to help her.  She is however afraid that it’s a set up by Joffrey.  She angered him by saying that she hopes the Others take Janos Slynt.  He had Meryn Trant punch her a mailed fist.  A mailed fist!  I don’t even know what to say about that.  Rage stroke!  That’s about all I can muster.

  She is scared, but sneaks out anyway.  Before reaching the godswood she runs into the same black cat Arya was chasing before.  File that away under possibly important.  In the wood she discovers that the note sender is Ser Dontos.  The drunk guy she saved at the tourney.  He’s drunk yet again.  Sansa is understandably creeped out.  No adolescent girl wants to be alone in the woods with a drunk adult man.  At least I hope not.

  He does manage to convince her that he wasn’t sent by anyone and truly means to help her.  He claims he can sneak her out and get her on a ship.  But not now.  When the time is right.  They agree to meet at the same place often.

  Speaking of creepy dudes, when Sansa is on her back to her chambers she runs into the Hound.  He’s drunk too.  She tells him she was praying in the godswood.  He has his suspicions that she is lying and calls her a stupid little bird.  Why SanSan is such a popular fan ship is beyond me.  He escorts her home and informs her that he will have a song from her whether she likes it or not.  I swear.  Every Sansa chapter reminds me of when I was her age and would get catcalls from creepy ass adult men.

 

Arya V

  Arya climbs up a tree to recon a nearby village.  She sees smoke coming from a chimney.  All the other villages they have come across lately have been abandoned.  We flash back to the morning after Lorch’s attack.  Apparently Kurz was one of the survivors and I falsely called him dead last time.  He does die from an infected wound a couple of days later so I won’t bother to edit the previous post.

  Anyways, the remaining survivors are starting to get hungry.  They are living off of berries and acorn paste.  Arya even eats bugs.  The other two adult survivors Tarber and Cutjack ditch Arya, Gendry, Hot Pie, Lommy and Weasel.  How nice.  Back in the present they are debating whether or not to go to the village.  Arya and Gendy are suspicious.  Hot Pie wants to go in hopes of getting fed.  Lommy wants to yield because he thinks that’s the key to not getting killed.  Oh Lommy.  Lommy has a hurt leg from the battle.  Gendry and Arya decide they will sneak into the village when it gets dark.

  When they are walking through the woods Gendry says he thinks Lommy will die.  His wound stinks.  Presumably of gangrene.  This shouldn’t be funny but it makes me think Lommy Gangrene Hands since Lommy is called Lommy Greenhands.  Gendry also reveals that he has figured out that Arya is a girl.  She decides to trust him and admit that she is Arya Stark.  Gendry is all cutely embarrassed that he was rude and crude with a lady to be.

  When they get near the village that ever present rotting corpse scent whaffs into their nostrils.

Gag Me

  Corpse stank can’t be a great sign.  They split up to approach the village from different angles.  When Arya gets closer, they see that there is a bunch of corpses hanging by the lake.  They are in various stages of eaten by crows.  People shouldn’t read these books while eating should they?  The flag hanging up in the village looks like the Lannister crimson.

  Arya sees a captive being dragged into the village by Lannister men.  It’s Gendry.  Of course it is.  After observing for hours she doesn’t see a good rescue opportunity so she goes to fetch Hot Pie and Lommy.  Lommy is still useless and only wants to yield so she takes Hot Pie back to the village.

  They get caught of course.  HP shouts “I yield!”  Of course.  They get captured and the men take Needle.  Those bastards.  Arya recognizes Gregor Clegane and know for sure they are in some deep shit.  They go back to Lommy.  Weasel has run away.  One of the Mountain’s men asks them where Dondarrion is.  They have no clue what he is talking about.  They inquire about Lommy’s leg.  He says that it is hurt and he will need to be carried to the village.  Oh Lommy!  The man unceremoniously stabs him in the throat.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor dumb Lommy

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Tobbar and Cutjack abandoned the kids count in my opinion.

Cumulative betrayals: 11

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

Hot Pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Arya IV, Tyrion III, Bran II

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Arya IV

  The NW finds a corpse floating in the river.  Lommy is not surprised because the water they had been drinking tasted like dead body.  EWWW!!!  When I was a canvasser, our van hit a dead and decomposing deer when we were driving out to turf in the exurbs.  It was the summertime.  The dead deer stink got all over the front of the van (is that the grill?  Like Jon Snow, I know nothing when it comes to cars) and every time it stunk of deer corpse inside the van.  I will never ever forget that smell,  It was disgusting,  I cannot even begin to manage drinking corpsified water.  Ew, ew, ew!  Yoren has them loot the body for valuables.  It’s understandable and necessary, but it still squicks me out a bit.

  The party aren’t too far from the huge lake called the God’s Eye.  Harrenhal is right on the lake and they discuss seeking shelter there because Lady Whent is friendly towards the Night’s Watch.  Harrenhal was built by King Harren, an Iron Born.  They controlled the Riverlands at the time.  He refused to surrender to Aegon and the dragons barbequed Harren inside the castle.  Arya remembers that Old Nan used to tell stories about ghosts haunting Harrenhal.

  The party comes across some homes, but they are all abandoned.  It’s pretty suspicious.  Finally they come upon an entire abandoned town and holdfast.  This is how bad horror movies start out.  The town is on the God’s Eye and it’s so big that they can’t see the opposite shore.

  Yoren decides they will spend the night at the holdfast.  Arya doesn’t want to because obviously the town is abandoned for a reason.  Yoren thinks she is smart for knowing to be concerned, but it isn’t enough to convince him to move on.  They do bar the doors behind them.

  Later that night Arya dreams she hears wolves howling.  She wakes up and knows that something is very wrong and wakes everyone else.  Momentarily Kurz blows the horn.  There are a couple hundred soldiers outside.  It’s some Lannister troops.  Yoren tells them that they are Night’s Watch but they are not believed.  They think it might be Beric Dondarrion’s people.  His sigil is a lightning bolt on black so it looks similar to the black of the NW.  Beric has been leading a group of rebels.

  The soldier’s leader, a man called Amory Lorch commands Yoren to open the door.  Lorch is one of Tywin’s bannerman and he is the one who killed princess Rhaenys Targaryen,  He’s a total asshole, obviously.  Yoren refuses.  Lorch orders his men to storm the walls and kill everyone.  Of course he does.

  Arya is not afraid to join the fight.  She uses to needle to stab the fingers of someone trying to climb the wall.  She screams “Winterfell!”  She dispatches several more foes.  Unfortunately they just keep coming.  Dobber and Qyle are killed.  Arya keeps screaming “Winterfell!” and Hot Pie adorably shouts “Hot Pie!”

  Sadly, the NW are being overwhelmed and Yoren tells Arya to flee out of the trap under the barn and take as many as she can with her.  She takes with her Gendry, Hot Pie, Lommy and the toddler girl they call Weasel.  The barn is on fire.  All their horses and donkeys are trapped and screaming.  With all the death in ASOIAF, this is one of the most upsetting part to me.  I guess I just like other animals more than I do humans.

  Jaqen H’gar, Rorge and Biter are still locked up in their cage.  I’m not sure why they haven’t passed out from smoke inhalation by now, but hey, fantasy!  Arya finds an axe and gives it to them so they can bust themselves out.  They all escape.  They see Kurz die.  It isn’t until the next chapter that it’s mentioned that Yoren is dead, but he is.

 

Tyrion III

  The word has spread to the small council that all the lords have received that letter from Stannis calling Joffrey a bastard.  Cersei acts all indignant as if the accusation isn’t true.  This is amusing to Tyrion.  And me.  Since the letter says “in the light of the Lord” Tyrion figure they can use Stannis’ conversion to R’hllor worship against him. 

  Cersei wants everyone who calls Joffrey Bieber a bastard to get their tongues cut out as punishment.  Pycelle, ever the kiss ass agrees.  Tyrion disagrees.  He thinks that going so far as removing the ability to speak suggests that they have something to hide and the rumors might be true.  Tyrion wants to let the lack of proof speak for itself.  Littlefinger agrees with Tyrion.  We all know they’re much smarter than Cersei and Pycelle so they win.  Littlefinger suggest that they plant their own rumor, that Shireen is the result of Selyse doing sexy times with Patchface.  Blech.  LF knows that the smallfolk are superstitious and will believe Shireen’s greyscale face came from a union with Patchy and his creepiness.

  Tyrion notes aloud that LF is quite the accomplished liar and there is some tension between them.  This is the moment where they each realize the other is dangerous.  Of course Cersei is too self absorbed to notice the moment.  She could have used the rivalry to play them off each other and keep them both in check, but no.  Cersei is just so…Cersei.

  Everyone notes Varys conspicuous absence until Tyrion excuses himself to go attend to some business.  He meets Bronn outside.  He meets with all the  best smiths in the city.  He wants them to make a shit ton of chains.  He orders them to make it a priority.

  After the meeting he has Bronn escort him to a brothel.  It is run by a madam called Chataya.  She is from the Summer Islands.  It’s a sex positive culture way south and east of Westeros.  Everyone from there has really dark skin.  I don’t really know what real world culture is supposed to be analogous to them, but I’m sure there is one.  Chataya suggests that he hire her daughter Alayaya.  She takes him upstairs and leads him into the wardrobe.  There is a secret passage there.  Instead of Narnia, Varys awaits him.  Ooh, sneaky!

  Varys leads Tyrion through the tunnel.  Tyrion asks why a secret passage is under a brothel and Varys replies that is was built for another hand.  Hmm…. guess who?  We’ll get the story.  Eventually.  They come upon a room with horses and cloaks.  They dress in the cloaks so they can go meet Shae in secret.  This is so ridiculously elaborate IMO.  It’s just a big set up for later revelations and in hindsight it’s way too obvious.  Oh well.

 

Bran II

  Bran is having to do a bunch of boring duties in his role as prince.  He doesn’t like it.  Luwin and Rodrick don’t have a single nanocrap to give about that and they make him sit in on meetings and deal with visitors.  The latest of which is Lord Wyman Manderly AKA Lord-too-fat-to-sit-a-horse.  I keep trying to work out why he might have such a similar name to Manderley, the house in Rebecca, but I’ve got nothing.  Manderly is an important person and must be feasted.

  Bran has Hodor carry him down into the yars.  The Frey wards, Big Walder and Little Walder are there.  It is clear from the outset that they are the worst.  They make fun of Hodor.  Let me repeat.  This time loudly.  THEY MAKE FUN OF HODOR.  Unacceptable.

Inconceivable! (The Princess Bride)

  Bran and the Walders have some words.  Bran is threatening to sic Summer on them and I wish that he would. but Maester Luwin breaks it up.  Luwin is also pissed and he tells the stupid ass Freys to quit being mean to Hodor.

  later, at the feast Manderly expresses a desire to marry the recently widowed Lady Hornwood.  He also assures Bran that he will remain loyal even though the Lannisters hold his son Wylis.  Later on that night, Lady Hornwood arrives.  Her land is near that of the Bolton’s and she brings the news that Bolton’s bastard is amassing men with his servant, a ceaselessly stanky man called Reek.  Nothing to see here folks, move it along.

  Later in this apparently never ending day, Hodor takes Bran to the pool in the godswood.  There they encounter Osha who is bathing.  Osha, being intelligent has developed an immediate distrust of the Walders and tells Bran that he and Hodor need to watch their backs.  She asks him about his wolf dreams and he doesn’t want to say anything, but he does have a mystical dream about a weirwood tree and the three eyed crow that night.

  There are some more meetings.  Blah, blah, blah.  Everyone wants to marry Lady Hornwood.

  That night, Bran is starting to feel dread about the war.  He wants a dreamless sleep, but as usual does not get it.

 

Deaths in this recap:  4.  Qyle. Dobber, Kurz, and Yoren

Cumulative deaths: 42

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

 

 

 

 

The Talented Mr. Tyrion

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion II, Arya III

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet Sauvignon

 

  Sorry I’ve been neglectful.  I’ve had the flu and can’t quite seem to shake it.  The Olympics are a big distraction too.  Hopefully I’ll get back into it soon.

 

Tyrion II

  Tyrion is wining and dining Janos Slynt.  You might remember Janos from such hits as helping Ned get arrested and helping Ned get executed.  What a guy!  Janos is all sloppy drunk because like Tyrion and myself he likes the wine.  Today however, Tyrion is staying sober so he can toy with Janos and get him talking.  He does this by giving him lots of passive aggressive compliments.  He manipulates Janos into admitting that his top toady Allar Deem killed Robert’s baby bastard and her mother at that brothel.  Then Tyrion really puts the screws in by bringing up the Night’s Watch and interrogating him about Ned’s execution.  Janos admits to his involvement with that whole mess.

  Tyrion decides to send him to the Night’s Watch.  This turns Janos into a blubbering mess.

Janos tries to act like he can get out of it, but the new commander of the city watch Jacelyn Bywater comes to escort him away.  Tyrion has Bywater suggest to the ships captain that will be taking Slynt and Deem north that Deem should encounter an unfortunate accident.

  With this being done, Varys swishes in.  Tyrion is a little annoyed with him for not cluing him on it being Cersei’s idea to kill all of Robert’s bastards.  I’m not sure who else he thought it could possibly be, but whatever.

  After lobbing subtext laden blurbs back and forth for awhile, Varys tells Tyrion his famous riddle about power being a trick and a shadow on the wall.  Because GRRM can’t let Tyrion soak in his high point of the series for too long.  No, he needs to be befuddled by Varys.

  Later on Tyrion and Bronn are conversing and Tyrion asks Bronn if he’d kill babies for him.  Bronn would do it for a price.  That gives Tyrion some dead baby flavored food for thought.

 

Arya III

  The NW party has left the king’s road and is travelling the broke down country roads.  Their progress is slow and it’s annoying Arya.  She’s also become paranoid about the gold cloaks catching up with them.  At one point they eat corn.  That’s weird because corn is a new world crop and Westeros is supposed to be like medieval Europe.  I know they’re aren’t exactly the same, but the prevalence of corn in ASOIAF always sticks out for me and I just had to get it out.

  The party spots a fire burning up the night sky for days.  Eventually they find a village that has been completely burned down.  There are burnt up bodies impaled on sticks.  Shudder.  The only survivors are a two year old girl who won’t stop crying and a woman with an amputated arm who has had some kind of PTSD breakdown.  Sadly she dies that night.  Another disturbing factoid is that the water they have to drink tastes like corpse.

  This must be the most disturbing chapter written from the perspective of a nine/ten year old girl ever.

 

Davos I

  Stannis, his wife Selyse and Melisandre have decided to burn Dragonstone’s statues of the Seven to solidify Stannis’ allegiance to R’hllor.  Davos is a little bit uncomfortable with this because it’s the faith he grew up with.  However, he feels he owes Stannis many solids for promoting him to knight instead of executing for smuggling so he just deals with it.  Also, Melisandre scares the crap out of him.

  After some chanting Mel talks about the hero of R’hllor faith Azor Ahai and his flaming sword Lightbringer.  There is a prophecy that AA will be reborn and will have his own Lightbringer.  Mel uses a glamor to make it look like Stannis’ sword is burning like Lightbringer.  Her whole schtick is that Stannis is AAR.

  Later, Davos is talking with his old friend the pirate Salladhor Saan.  He’s promised treasury from King’s Landing in return for Salla’s ships.  They trade some gossip and then Salla tells Davos more about the AAR myth.  Azor Ahai opposed the darkness that had fallen over the world by making a magical sword lightbringer.  It had to be forged three different times and didn’t become magical until it was used to stab his wife Nissa Nissa.  he had to sacrifice the most important thing to him.

  After the exposition talk with Salladhor, Davos is summoned for a council meeting with Stannis and his bannermen.  Stannis has a letter declaring Joffrey a bastard and Stannis the true king.  This letter is to be sent out all over the place to all the important lords.  This is also where we learn Davos can’t read.

  Stannis and Davos decide they need proof of Robert’s bastard making habit.  They have it in the form of Edric Storm.  Edric is the son of Robert and Delena Florent.  The problem is, he’s at Storm’s End which is Renly’s stronghold.

 

All right.  That’s all for now. I should be back Tuesday or Wednesday hopefully with a full entry.  For now, I must go hack up some more phlegm.

 

How not to keep a hostage

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Arya II, Jon I, Catelyn I

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

This might be a short post because I’ve been sick and I don’t know if I’m up for five whole chapters.  We’ll see.

 

Arya II

  The Night’s Watch recruits keeps moving north along the king’s road.  All the other travelers they see are going south.  That can’t be a good sign.  One woman even tells them that they are fools and will be killed.  Eventually they start seeing a shit ton of fresh graves.  They stop at an inn.  Arya doesn’t dare take a bath and reveal her peenless state even though she is super stanky.  The innkeeper tells Yoren that it’s a bad idea to go north.  The fields are burnt, the villages are destroyed and it isn’t safe.

  I know this blog is meant to be on the lighthearted snarky side, but I’d like to say that I really appreciate that GRRM does not shy away from how terrible war is.  Usually stories focus on the glories and defeats of the higher ups.  That’s also true in the media depictions of real life wars.  Rarely does anyone talk about how devastating war is for the little people.  It usually gets glossed over in fantasy.  The realistic portrayal of how horrific war actually is, is one of the major reasons why I love this series.

  Arya listens to gossip about the various factions.  Also there are a pack of (literal not Stark) wolves roaming around the Riverlands eating all the livestock and not fearing men. There are hundreds of them.  The implication is that these wolves are led by Nymeria.  One man alleges that Nymeria went into a village and stole a baby.  Arya gets pissed about this and protests.  Yoren makes her leave.

  Outside, the cage of three manacled creepers start calling out to her.  The hot one with the red and white striped hair merely wants beer and a bath.  The noseless one acts creepy and the one with filed teeth hisses at her.  The hottie disavows them as not his chosen companions.  His name is Jaqen H’ghar of the free city of Lorath.  He says the noseless creeper is named Rorge and the hisser is named Biter.  Rorge threatens to sodomize Arya with a stick because he’s such an awesome person.  Briter tries to attack and she pops him between the eyes!

  Gendry interrupts them and makes her get away from the cage o evil mutants.  Of course, Arya being Arya gets all defensive and wants to fight him.  Then they see the gold cloaks of the city watch coming up the road.  Arya has them duck down behind a hedge.  She tells him they are after her.

  The officer wants the boy and Yoren is refusing.  The gold cloak says he will take their boy by force, but he only has five back up soldiers and all the NW recruits step up to protect their fellow recruits.  Even Hot Pie.  Arya jumps up to join the defense and so does Gendry.  Then it is revealed that Gendry is the one they are after.  The GC realize they’re outnumbered and ride back to King’s Landing.

  Yoren knows they’ll return in greater numbers so he urges everyone to get ready to flee.  Arya and Gendry are suspicious of each other because they don’t realize why the other one would be sought after.  Actually, poor dumb Gendry doesn’t even know why he’s wanted.

 

Jon I

  Jon wakes up Sam who’s been studying in the NW library.  He was sent to find maps of beyond the Wall.  They discuss the ranging they have to on.  Sam is pants pissing scared and Jon tries to comfort him, but he’s scared too.

  Jon reflects on the news that Robb is now a king.  He tries to pretend he’s not jelly, but he is.  Jon goes to see Mormont and the new first ranger (by his own estimation) Thoren (named after the dwarf in The Hobbit?) Smallwood is there.  He is trying to convince LC Mormont that the LC’s place is at Castle Black not a ranging.  Mormont doesn’t give any craps and informs Thoren that he isn’t the boss and opinion doesn’t matter.  Mormont says that Benjen is still first ranger until he’s proven dead.  Mormont tells Jon the story of how Aemon was offered the crown and refused to take it.  Take that how you will.

  Mormont’s raven keeps saying “king” and Jon thinks it means Mormont is meant to be crowned a king.  Oh, Jon.  You silly!  Mormont points out that both Jon and Aemon have a king for a brother in common,  Hm.  He calls Jon out on wanting to have the same prestige as Robb, but Jon vows to keep his oath.

 

Catelyn I

  Hoster’s blacksmith has just finished Robb’s crown.  It’s bronze and iron with no gems and frippery.  Robb is brought acaptive.  It’s Cleos Frey.  He’s on team Lannister because his mother Genna is Tywin’s sister.  They want him to carry a message to Cersei declaring their peace terms.  Robb makes Cleos swear to return and he will be sending an escort to make sure he keeps that vow.

  Robb’s terms are that he will release the Lannister boys but keep Jaime hostage.  Cersei will release Arya (ha!) and Sansa and Tywin has to release his hostages.  Robb also demands northern independence.  Lord Karstark is lurking in the back and stalks out all pissed off.  Robb knows some of his bannermen won’t like any truce arrangement.

  Cat points out that Cersei won’t agree to a hostage trade unless it included Jaime.  Robb knows he can’t give him up even though emotionally speaking he and Cat both want Sansa and Arya back.  They’re only girls after all.  Blech.

  Robb wants Cat to go to the Twins to pick out his wife, but she doesn’t want to.  He is also planning on sending Theon back home to the Iron Islands to negotiate with his father Balon.  She points out that Theon is a hostage and sending him would be effectively releasing him.  Robb trust Theon however.  Dumbass.

  Catelyn and Blackfish are talking war things.  Blackfish says that Amory Lorch who murdered Rhaenys Targaryen is now afoot along with Gregor Clegane.  Also, Tywin as hired the Bloody Mummers, some sociopathic mercenaries led by Vargo Hoat.  They need help.  Catelyn decides she must go negotiate with Renly.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  I’m not sure I mentioned it, but Praed the NW recruit dies on the road.

Cumulative deaths: 37

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Always wear pants to the tourney

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Prologue, Arya I, Sansa I, Tyrion I, Bran I

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Prologue

  The comet that Daenerys saw at the end of AGOT can also be seen in Westeros.  Maester Cressen is watching it from a balcony at Dragonstone.  The bright red and intense look of the comet is making him feel superstitious.  He hates that because maesters are trained to be rational and (relative to the time and place) scientific.  I hear ya, Cressen.  I’m an atheist and skeptic.  Yet, a dark bathroom scares the crap out of me.  What if I look at the mirror and there is a ghost right behind me?  Gaah!

  In addition to the comet, steam is coming out of the presumed volcano Dragonmont and a white raven arrived from the citadel where the maester headquarters is.  Albino ravens herald the change in seasons.  It is no longer summer.  Fall is here.  That means what?  You know what!  Winter is coming.

  Pylos, a younger maester who is fairly new to Dragonstone interrupts Cressen’s musings.  He tells him that Princess Shireen wants to see the white raven and she brought Patchface, Dragonstone’s fool with her.  Shireen is Stannis Baratheon’s only child with his wife Selyse nee Florent.  She is 10 years old, shy and awkward with her father’s jutting jaw and her mother’s Obama ears.  Half of her face is covered with greyscale.  Greyscale is a disease that is deadly to adults but survivable among children.  She got the disease as a baby and her face is still grey, scaly and hard.  I think it’s a combination of Leprosy and Scleroderma.

  Apparently, Shireen is awake at this time because she had her recurring nightmare about dragon eating her.  Uh, oh.  Cressen tries to comfort her by saying that the stone dragons at the castle just look realistic because the Valyrians had magical techniques to shape stone.  However, Shireen has heard from the red woman (more on her in a minute) said that the comet portended dragons coming back to life.  of course, Cressen doesn’t know any better and tells her that this just can’t be true.  These maesters just can’t seem to grasp that they are in a fantasy tale can they?

  Then they start talking about the changing seasons and Patchface interrupts with some creepy nonsense jingles.  He wears a bucket with antlers and bells.  Stannis’ parents had found Patchy in Essos.  He was a very talented entertainer.  When they were near Dragonstone they got shipwrecked.  Steffon Baratheon and his wife drowned.  Three days later, Patchy washed up somehow he was still alive.  Except he had some sort of brain damage that makes him all extra creepity.

  Pylos returns to tell Cressen that Davos Seaworth has returned.  Davos is a former smuggler who was raised to knighthood because he smuggled food onto Dragonstone during Robert’s rebellion when Stannis was holding it and it was besieged by Lord Mace Tyrell.  The island was starving.  Davos’ nickname is the Onion Knight because that was what he smuggled in.  However, smuggling is a crime and Stannis is really into upholding the letter of the law at all times so he also hacked off some of his fingers.  Davos wears those bones in a pouch around his neck.  Davos is now a trusted friend and ally to Stannis.  He just returned from canvassing various other lords for support.  He had no luck.  Davos tells Cressen that he advised against going to war with Joffrey, but Stannis will not heed that advice.  He believes his claim to be true and that’s that.

  Cressen goes to see Stannis.  Stannis is skinny and he has a permaclenched jaw.  He grinds his teeth all the time and doesn’t smile much.  Usually only women are called out for having bitchy resting face, but it definitely applies to Stannis.  He is pissed right off that the Storm Lords have declared for Renly.  The seat of the Storm Lands is the Baratheon’s ancestoral home Storm’s End.  Robert gave SE to Renly after he won the crown, an action that Stannis is still not over because Renly is younger than Stannis.  Stannis thinks of Renly as a shallow douche undeserving of his good fortune.  Fair point.  He will not compromise with Renly or accept Robb’s new status as King in the North.  Also, he is pretty bitter at Ned because Robert loved him so much more than he loved Stannis.

  Selyse comes in and interrupts them.  She is unattractive and mustached.  You know how it is in fiction ugly woman = THE WORST!!!  Selyse is no exception.  She is even more dour than Stannis is.  She agrees that Stannis is the rightful king and should never compromise.  She believes R’hllor wants him to be king.  R’hllor AKA the Lord of Light is a god imported from the east.  Selyse converted to the worship of LoL when the priestess Melisandre of Asshai (where Mirri Maz Durr studied !) got a vision that Stannis is the king and arrived on Dragonstone.  The mission of the LoL is to fight against the Great Other who is all about darkness.

  Stanis is still skeptical about his wife’s new religion.  I can’t say I blame him.  New converts are annoying whether it’s religion, the paleo diet or crossfit.  Selyse informs Stannis that Melisandre had a vision of Renly dead.  Cressen is appalled at this fratricidal talk and dislikes this religion.  He is a follower of the Seven.  Stannis isn’t trying to hear that and he dismisses Cressen.

  Cressen goes up to his room and decides that Melisandre is a big danger to Stannis.  He must be rid of her.  he decides to poison her with an amethyst colored substance nicknamed the strangler because it makes its victims choke to death and turn purple.  It can be disguised as choking on food.

  Cressen naps and when he wakes up realizes that he’s late to dinner with Stannis, Selyse, Mel and Stannis’ bannermen. We meet Melisandre for the first time.  She is tall, red haired, red eyed and beautiful with an imposing confidant personality. She wears a choker with a ruby on it that sometimes glows.  Confession time, I usually hat religious zealots.  But Mel is a fucking fabulous badass.  I love her!

  Patchy crashes into Cressen and knocks him over.  Mel mocks him for it and makes him wear Patchy’s bucket antler bell thing.  Stannis adds further insult to injury by informing Cressen that he was not invited to dinner because he’s a yammering old man and not needed.  He takes the opportunity to play fake nice with Mel and invite her to share a cup of (poisoned) wine.

  They both drink from the cup.  Cressen is killed.  Mel is unaffected.  She attributes this to R’hllor, bolstering her claim that God wants Stannis to be king.

  Holy shneikes that was a long info dump of a chapter.  I’ll try and make the rest of this post a bit more fun.

 

Arya I

  Arya has been posing as a boy commoner who is being recruited for the Night’s Watch.  Yoren cut her hair off before they left so she would look masculine.  The procession is full of rowdy orphan boys, rapers, thieves, poachers and a cage with three hardened criminals in it.  Their names are Jaquen H’gar, Rorge and Biter.  Rorge has a cut off nose and Biter has teeth that are filed into points.

  Arya, who is going by ‘Arry’ is the smallest and youngest of the lot.  Two of the orphan boys called Hot Pie and Lommy pick on her for this.  They call her lumpy head.  They make fun of Needle and accuse her of stealing it.  This enrages her.  An older boy steps in to defend Arya.  He has a bull helm.  Spoiler alert!  It’s Gendry, Robert’s bastard.

  Hot Pie tries to steal Needle, but Arya kicks his fat ass.  HP is sprawled on the ground crying until Yoren comes along and breaks it up.  After that, the boys are afraid of her.  That night Arya dreams of Winterfell and wishes to reunite with Jon.  Awww.

 

Sansa I

  It’s Joffrey’s name day.  The spin around the court is that the comet is there to portend glory for Joffrey.  Yeah, OK.  Sansa dresses to attend Joff’s birthday tourney.  She wears long sleeves to hide the bruises there from the beating she got when he heard Robb was claiming KitN.  Oh, ish!  That’s some depraved shit.

  This tourney is a piece of crap compared to the tourney from AGOT.  All the best knights are away at war.  Cersei won’t even be there because she will be in council meetings.  Myrcella and Tommen however, are there.  They’re still super cute. 

  When Sansa takes her seat next to Joff, he informs her that Viserys is dead and declares that he will kill Robb too.  Sure you will.  The Hound is guarding because this tourney is beneath him.  After a few jousts it is the turn of Lothar Brune, a servant of Littlefinger and Ser Dontos Hollard.  Dontos is wasted.  Like, he would be on Cops after a bar fight wasted.  He staggers out to the field pantsless with his peen flopping about.

  Joffrey is displeased because isn’t he always?  You’d think he’d enjoy the entertainment that drunken hot messes bring.  But, no.  He’s about to kill Dontos by making him drink himself to death shotgunning a cask of wine.  Sansa protests.  She cleverly makes up some crap about it being bad luck to kill someone on your birthday.  The Hound is nice enough to agree.  Joffrey buys it.  Sansa convinces him to make him a fool instead of killing him the next day.

  Shortly after there is a commotion.  It is Tyrion and his hill folk.  Tommen and Myrcella are delighted to see him.  Joffrey not so much.  He leaves and Sansa has some awkward conversation with Tyrion.  She tries to fake loyalty to the Lannisters, but you know he sees through it.  Even though he’s nice, Sansa has vowed to never trust another Lannister.

 

Tyrion I

  Tyrion decides to crash the small council meeting.  Hee hee.  Cersei is super bitchy.  Not pleased to see him at all.  He presents the letter from Tywin that gives him Hand proxy powers.  Cersei is incensed at losing the power to a sibling that she isn’t fucking.  The other council members Slynt, Pycelle, Varys and Littlefinger are more welcoming although LF makes sure to seem all smarmy about it.

  Tyrion sends everyone away to talk to Cersei privately.  She is really not taking his hand job (tee-hee) well and threatens to send him to the dungeons and declare the letter a forgery.  Tyrion negs her by pointing out her failures and offering to help make it all better.  They come to an uneasy truce.  But not before Tyrion makes it clear that he’s aware of the twincest.

I have plenty of criticisms for Tyrion in later books, but he fucking rules in this one.  He also implies that he knows she killed Robert and strongly suggests she keep Sansa alive.  Good.  Sansa’s previous chapter is when I really started to like her.

  Tyrion leaves and goes outside to order that all the gross festering heads on spikes be taken down.  He rides around the city to appraise thing and realizes that King’s Landing has gone to shit.  There’s chaos everywhere and the Tyrell’s who control the food supply and the road into KL have cut them off.  The poors are hungry.  This can only end well.

  Tyrion goes to the inn where Shae is staying to visit her.  Varys is already there because he’s a shifty eunuch and knows everything.  This is Varys’ message that Tyrion and shit and Varys has his number.  He tells Tyrion a riddle about how power is an illusion.  it lies where people think it does.  Hmm…

  Varys leaves and Tyrion and Shae get it on.

 

Bran I

  Bran has been having a lot of wolf dreams lately.  Summer and Shaggydog have been restless and constantly howling lately.  They know when shit is going down.  The comet is visible in Winterfell too.  Old Nan thinks it means dragons.  ON is a damn genius.  I’m not even snarking right now.  She knows all.  For maybe the only time in the series Bran acts his age and imitates the wolves by howling at the comet.  Luwin chastises Bran and doesn’t think the wolf dreams are very significant.  Oh, Luwin.

  The wolves have been trapped in a pen because Shaggy lunged at the Frey wards Big Walder and Little Walder.  They were annoying and played a game called ‘Lord of the Crossing’ that involves knocking people over that try to cross a log over water.  It was Rickon getting hit with a stick that caused Shaggy to attack.

  Bran has some more spooky wolf dreams.  They foreshadow of course.  The end.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Cressen.

Cumulative deaths: 36

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Ned’s Head Edition

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Daenerys VII, Tyrion VIII, Catelyn X, Daenerys VIII, Arya V

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Daenerys VII

  Drogo’s khalasar has raided and defeated the Lhazareen, or as the Dothraki call them the Lamb People.  The Lamb People eat a vegetarian diet.  This apparently means they are wusses.  Drogo also kicked the ass of Khal Ogo’s khalasar.  Ogo had already been raiding the Lamb People when Drogo’s Khalasar came upon them.  Drogo didn’t come to much harm.  He only has a few cuts.  Phew!  Now nothing can go wrong.

  Dany sees a young woman being gang raped.  It’s upsetting because she missed the memo that raping usually accompanies pillaging.  She forces herself to look away and ride on.  Jorah tells Dany that he recommended selling the 10,000 captives from this raid to Meereen for slavery.  This is also upsetting for Dany, but she figures it is the price of Iron Throne.  Yikes.

  The girl who is being raped is still making a bunch of heartrending cries and harshing everyone’s war buzz.  Finally, Dany can take no more and decides to command that the Dothraki cut it out.  All the Dothraki are confused by this command because Lamb People are nothing important, but she stands firm.  Jorah compares her favorably to her brother Rhaegar.

  Can I just mention how much this chapter is pissing off the spell check?  This entire post has been red squiggles.

  All of the mess described above was before they even entered the town.  Inside the town it is worse.  Headless corpses are everywhere and lots of other women are being raped.  Dany has all the women rescued.

  When she meets up with Drogo, it turns out the small scratch is a missing nipple.  Ouch!  The khalasar members are complaining to Drogo that she took their spoils.  Drogo doesn’t understand why she stopped the rapings.  He does end up backing her, but thinks she’s fierce because his son is in her belly.  Shut up Drogo.

  Dany is concerned about Drogo’s wound.  One of the women she rescued volunteers to help.  Her name is Mirri Maz Durr and she is a godswife, which is some kind of maegi.  She learned magical arts from many people.  One of them was a Westrosi maester named Marwyn who was in Asshai while she was there.  She removes the arrow from his boob and puts a poultice on the wound.

 

Tyrion VIII

  Tyrion is having a tense dinner with Tywin.  The Lannister host and the Stark host are now about a days march from each other.  Kevan and Tywin want to put Tyrion’s hill folk in the vanguard when they meet in battle.  Tyrion has the awkward realization that Tywin just wants to get rid of them all.

  Tyrion tells them about how the different hill clans have been fighting amongst themselves.  Tywin extra bitchily says that the fault lies with the commander when the army is undisciplined.  Then he smugly informs Tyrion that he will command, but serve under Gregor.

  Tyrion stalks off and returns to camp.  Bronn has secured a whore for him.  Her name is Shae.  He tells her he wants the girlfriend experience and will give lots of money if she stays with him and doesn’t have any other clients.  She calls him “my giant of Lannister” without a trace of (detectable) irony and of course he loves that.

  The next morning he wakes up early to a war going on outside.  The Starks snuck up in the night.  He rushes out and falls in with his hill folk.  There’s a bunch of heraldry porn I’m not about to go into here.

  There’s lots of Stark armies, but Tyrion doesn’t see Robb anywhere.  The fighting begins and Tyrion manages to fight by being all sneaky and small.  The Lannisters had the bigger army and they win.  Tyrion and Bronn survived.  Ulf and Conn of the hill folk died, but Shagga, Chella and Timett survived.  Tywin’s bannerman Addam Marbrand arrives with news.  They captured Lord Cerwyn, Wylis Manderly and Harrion Karstark.  Lord Hornwood has died.  They captured four Frey’s and Roose Bolton escaped.  Robb Stark on the other hand is heading for Riverrun.

 

Catelyn X

  Catelyn is waiting in the Whispering Wood with her guard Hallis Mollen and thirty swords.  They’re to escape to Winterfell if the fighting goes against them.  Robb and the majority of his army are sneaking up on Jaime and his forces.  The other army sent against Tywin was a diversion.  They hear the battle, but don’t see it.

  Robb wins.  Jaime has been captured.  Theon wants him to execute Jaime.  He’s a dumbass.  Robb knows he is more valuable as a hostage.  He’s led away to be chained in irons.  Robb tells Cat that both of Lord Rickard Karstark’s sons Torrhen and Eddard died in the battle.  So did Daryn Hornwood.  This means both male Hornwoods are dead and the house is left without an heir,  Robb feels guilty about these deaths and Cat councils him to honor them and move on because shit still needs to get done.  Why do people say she’s too emotional again?

 

Daenerys VIII

  It’s hot as hell out.  Flies are circling all around Drogo.  He usually Hulk smashes them, but today he isn’t reacting.  It seems his wound got infected and he’s suffering from sepsis.  Six days earlier he had stupidly torn of Mirri’s healing poultice because it was itchy.  Finally he falls off his horse.  She insists that they make camp where Drogo fell and has Qotho fetch Mirri for her.

  While they’re waiting, Jorah informs Dany that they should flee right now.  Drogo is about to die and the Dothraki don’t care about inheritance.  Once Drogo dies, the strongest man will become the leader.  Yay meritocracy?  Jorah says they will kill Rhaego as soon as he is born so the prophecy won’t come true and threaten them.  Dany refuses to abandoned her man.

  Mirri comes into the tent and notices that Drogo’s wound has festered.  Well duh.  Qotho and Haggo start to beat her up because that’s how pleasant and reasonable chaps resolve problems.  Dany stops them and they leave.  Jorah very insightfully guesses they might pose a threat to Dany.

  Mirri says Drogo’s illness is now beyond her healing powers.  Another poultice isn’t cutting it.  The only way is a dark magic spell Mirri learned from a shadowmage in Asshai.  There is a price and only death can pay for life.  Dany asks if that means her death and Mirri says no.  Dany consents to this black magic spell without asking whose life must be sacrificed.  There’s no way that will bite her in the ass.

  Drogo’s bloodrider Jhogo is super nervous and wants to kill Mirri because black magic is forbidden.  Dany won’t hear it and she has Drogo’s horse brought in to be bled for Mirri’s spell.  Mirri orders everybody else, including Dany out of the tent.  From outside, she can hear Mirri wailing creepily and they can all see shapes dancing with her.

  Qotho decides to kill Mirri and then Dany.  Jorah fights him.  While this is going on Dany starts getting awful cramps.  Jorah kills Qotho, Aggo kills Cohollo and Rakharo kills Haggo.  She passes out in Jorah’s arms as he carries her to the tent to be treated by Mirri.

 

Arya V

  Arya is living in the streets of King’s Landing and is reduced to catching a pigeon with her hands.  She tries to trade the pigeon for a tart, but the vendor tells her to piss right off.  Arya has been wanting to leave the city but all the gates are under guard so she has to live as a street urchin in Flea Bottom the slum of King’s Landing.  All her valuables got stolen right away so she’s impoverished.  It’s sort of like a TV movie about teen runaways.  Like that amazing 90’s movie starring Mark Paul Gosselar (Zach Morris!).  But I digress…

  The bells start to ring.  Just like they did when Robert died.  People tell her that Ned is being taken to the sept of Baelor.  Ned is up at the sept with Joffrey, Cersei, the Hound, Varys, and Sansa.

  Ned confesses to treason and Arya is super upset.  Everyone in the crowd is taunting and booing.  The crowd starts pelting him with stones for no good reason other than that people are assholes.  The high septon makes some boring speech about mercy.

  Joffrey talks about how Queen Regent Cersei and Sansa want to let Ned take the black.  But they have the “soft hearts of women” according to Joffrey and he wants to be manly and so he asks Ilyn Payne to bring him Ned’s head.  Varys and Cersei try to stop it, but Joffrey doesn’t listen.

  At this point Arya is trying to run through the crowd and get to Ned.  She can hear Sansa screaming, but can’t cut through all the hordes of people.  She notices that Ilyn has Ice.   Suddenly an older man grabs her out of the crowd, restrains her and keeps her from looking.  She remembers that it’s Yoren.  She doesn’t see Ned’s beheading.

  Sorry.  I couldn’t make that chapter funny.

Sad in the Rain (Doctor Who)

 

Deaths in this recap:  10.  Ulf, Conn, Lord Hornwood, Torrhen and Eddard Karstark, Daryn Hornwood, Qotho, Haggo, Cohollo and of course our first major death of the series, Eddard Stark.

Cumulative deaths: 33

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 2.  Since it’s pretty clear Tywin sent his son Tyrion to die, I’m calling that a betrayaled was told his life would be spared if he confessed.  Joffrey went back on it. 

Cumulative betrayals: 8

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6