Book I am reading: A Storm of Swords
Booze in my flagon: Grapefruit vodka and soda
Chapters: Jon V, Daenerys IV, Arya VIII
Jon and his wildling pals arrive at the same village where Bran is. Ygritte is very impressed with the tower, but Jon, despite his bastard status is still a little rich kid who grew up in a castle so he scoffs and tells her that tower ain’t shit. Jon entertains fantasies of showing Ygritte Winterfell, but Winterfell is not his to show because BASTARD. So he emos a bit. Ygritte’s ambitions are a bit more modest, she just wants to move to this tower with Jon after the war. Then they have a spat about whether or not the former residents of this village were wusses for letting constant wildling raids drive them off. Then they have a monarchy vs. left libertarianism debate. Then he points out that Mance won’t win because the wildlings aren’t disciplined and slips up saying that “you’ll all die. She reminds him that he’s not a crow anymore and it should be “all of us.” Then they make out up against a tree. What a whacky pair!
Jon is starting to get desperate to escape. The Magnar keeps questioning him about the Watch’s defenses and he keeps having to hide how defenseless Castle Black really is. They must be warned if they’re to have any shot at all. However, he’s becoming conflicted as he gets in deeper with Ygritte and becomes friends with the other Wildlings. He knows if he escapes and Castle Black is prepared, they’ll all die. Needless to say, there’s lots of emo material here.
The Thenns capture the old man who was sheltering in the village inn. Jon knows he’s going to be put to death so her goes to brood but Styr has him brought over and commands him to be the one to kill the old man. He finds himself unable to do it even though he knows that if he doesn’t kill him, the Thenns will. Jon refuses to do it and Styr calls him a crow and Ygritte a crow wife. This pisses Ygritte so much that she slits the old man’s throat.
Then lightning strikes and an animal of some sort comes out of nowhere and kills some Thenns and other Wildlings including Del, one of those Jon is friendly with. At first he thinks it’s Ghost, but it’s grey. It’s Summer, if that wasn’t obvious.
Jon takes the opportunity in all the chaos to take the old man’s horse and ride away. He has to kill Bodger, another of the Wildlings who tried to stop him escaping. A few hours later he comes out of his shock and realizes that there’s an arrow embedded in his leg. He manages to pull it out and dress the wound. He wonders if it’s Ygritte that shot him with the arrow and rides on toward Castle Black.
Dany and her party are near Yunkai. A host of 5,000 which includes the sellsword companies the Second Sons and the Stormcrows meet them outside the city. The Yunkish army itself is a slave army but nowhere near as good as the Unsullied as Yunkai is more about trading sex slaves than warrior slaves. Lovely.
Jorah believes they can defeat this army but Dany wants some other option than a battle because she doesn’t want to lose any of her men. The slavers wish to meet with her and she tells Jorah to send word that she will do it. She also wants to meet with the heads of the sellsword companies.
Since Astapor was liberated, Dany has abolished the custom of giving the Unsullied a new name each day. Most of them changed their names but Grey Worm, who they elected their captain, kept his slave name because he considers the name he had the day he was set free to be lucky. Aww. Grey Worm is itching for a fight and she reminds him that if it comes to that, any slave who surrenders is to be spared. In addition to the Unsullied, tens of thousands of Astapori civilians have joined her. They aren’t of any use to her, but she doesn’t want to abandon them.
Dany heads to her pavilion and has Missandei tell her what she knows about the Yunkish. The masters call themselves the Wise Masters and they speak Valyrian in a different but similar dialect to the Astapori.
A little while later, Jorah arrives with the captains of the Stormcrows in tow. They are Prendahl ne Ghezn, a Ghiscari. Sallor the Bald, a Qartheen. And Daario Naharis, a Tyroshi. Daario has a blue three pronged bear and a painted gold mustache. Apparently, the Tyroshi style is to look like a cross between a court jester and a club kid. Prendahl is the one to speak for the Stormcrows and he and Dany trash talk and threaten each other for awhile. Prendahl has no interest in joining them, but as they leave, Daario gives her a friendly farewell nod.
Later, it is time for Mero, the lone captain of the Second Sons to meet. He is a Braavosi and his nickname is the Titan’s Bastard. He’s a big perv and tries to get her to exchange sex for his swords. She threatens to geld him. I’ll have to try that next time I get harassed on the bus! She gives him some wine and sends him off. He doesn’t seem so keen on joining her cause either. After he leaves, Arstan and Jorah, in agreement for a change, tell her he’s evil and rapey and is making the once honorable Second Sons into a Bloody Mummer like company.
Finally, the Yunkish Wise Masters come for their meeting. Their leader, Grazdan mo Eraz rides in on a huge camel. Grazdan threatens to sex traffic Dany if she loses the battle but tells her he won’t stop her if she just passes them by and leaves them alone. He even offers her a chest of gold to go. She’s not having it. She just says she’ll let the city go unplundered if he frees all the slaves. Of course, he does not accept so Dany says my favorite word “Dracarys” and the dragons spit fire at Grazdan. His tokar gets burned, but not his body. She gives him three days to surrender. He calls her a whore, because whether it’s the real world or a fantasy universe, that’s the typical response to a woman they fin threatening.
Turns out, Dany was lying about the three days. She wants to make plans to attack tonight. Before they can move, the Unsullied catch Daario entering her camp, claiming to be bearing gifts. Jorah brings him to her tent and she compares their looks. Despite Daario’s clownish appearance, she thinks he’s hot. Way hotter than Jorah the Fedora. Oh god, he has a gold tooth. A gold fucking tooth. Why? To make matters worse, his weapons have naked ladies on the hilts.
Anyway, he tells her that the Stormcrows are hers. His gifts are the heads of Prendahl and Sallor. That’s sweet! It’s like when your cat brings you a dead mouse or bird. He takes his T&A arakh and pledges his service to her as the dragons roast and eat the heads of his former companions.
She sends Daario away to prepare the Stormcrows to join the attack. Predictably, Jorah is jealous and disapproving and doesn’t trust him at all. She’s tired of his shit and sends him off too.
Now it is time to wait. Arstan stays behind with Dany and she asks him to tell her more about Rhaegar. Viserys told her that he won many tourneys, but Arstan tells her that even though he was pretty good, he didn’t enter too many tourneys. He just didn’t like fighting all that much. He was pretty emo. Just like Jon. Fancy that.
Story time is interrupted by news of victory. Mero fled and Grazdan surrendered. The newly freed people pour out of the city chanting “Mhysa!” which means mother. And no lie, as I type this, the movie I have on in the background is playing the song Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.
Arya and the BWB are now back on that creepy ass hill; High Heart. Thoros is staring into the fire, trying to get a vision. But it’s not happening right now. Thoros tells a little bit of his backstory. He was never particularly religiously devout. He got sold to the red temple because he was the youngest of eight and his family couldn’t or wouldn’t care for him. Since King Aerys loved fire, he was sent off to try and convert him. That didn’t work, but Robert liked him because he was a good drinking buddy.
The Ghost of High Heart comes to join them by the fire. She calls Beric the Lord of Corpses and sexually harasses Lem. She brings the news that one of the kings is dead. The Kraken. She saw Balon Greyjoy die in a vision and now she is saying, it happened. Then she notices and summons Arya. She tells her that she also smells of death and cries “Begone from here, dark heart!” Ouch.
Lord Beric says not to worry, they are taking her with them to Riverrun tomorrow. But the Ghost of High Heart tells them that Catelyn is actually headed to the Twins for a wedding.
Arya, Edric “Ned” Dayne and Gendry all talk about bastards and honor and their families. Ned claims that his aunt Ashara Dayne and Ned Stark were in love and she killed herself in heartbreak. There’s lots of fan theories about this whole part. Eh, look it up yourself.
The next night, Thoros sees in the flames that Riverrun will come under attack and be taken over by Lannisters. He says he didn’t even see Robb and Catelyn in the flames at all. That can’t be good. Arya runs off into the night. Just to continue the emo trend of this recap section. After running about for a bit, she gets seized. She thinks it’s by one of the BWB but no. It’s the Hound.
Deaths in this recap: 4. Del, Bodger, Prendahl, and Sallor
Cumulative deaths: 115
Maybe deaths in this recap: 0
Cumulative maybe deaths: 9
Betrayals in this recap: 1. Jon finally turns on the wildlings/Ygritte
Cumulative betrayals: 31
Incest incidents: 0.
Cumulative incests: 26