Archive | January 2014

How not to keep a hostage

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Arya II, Jon I, Catelyn I

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

This might be a short post because I’ve been sick and I don’t know if I’m up for five whole chapters.  We’ll see.

 

Arya II

  The Night’s Watch recruits keeps moving north along the king’s road.  All the other travelers they see are going south.  That can’t be a good sign.  One woman even tells them that they are fools and will be killed.  Eventually they start seeing a shit ton of fresh graves.  They stop at an inn.  Arya doesn’t dare take a bath and reveal her peenless state even though she is super stanky.  The innkeeper tells Yoren that it’s a bad idea to go north.  The fields are burnt, the villages are destroyed and it isn’t safe.

  I know this blog is meant to be on the lighthearted snarky side, but I’d like to say that I really appreciate that GRRM does not shy away from how terrible war is.  Usually stories focus on the glories and defeats of the higher ups.  That’s also true in the media depictions of real life wars.  Rarely does anyone talk about how devastating war is for the little people.  It usually gets glossed over in fantasy.  The realistic portrayal of how horrific war actually is, is one of the major reasons why I love this series.

  Arya listens to gossip about the various factions.  Also there are a pack of (literal not Stark) wolves roaming around the Riverlands eating all the livestock and not fearing men. There are hundreds of them.  The implication is that these wolves are led by Nymeria.  One man alleges that Nymeria went into a village and stole a baby.  Arya gets pissed about this and protests.  Yoren makes her leave.

  Outside, the cage of three manacled creepers start calling out to her.  The hot one with the red and white striped hair merely wants beer and a bath.  The noseless one acts creepy and the one with filed teeth hisses at her.  The hottie disavows them as not his chosen companions.  His name is Jaqen H’ghar of the free city of Lorath.  He says the noseless creeper is named Rorge and the hisser is named Biter.  Rorge threatens to sodomize Arya with a stick because he’s such an awesome person.  Briter tries to attack and she pops him between the eyes!

  Gendry interrupts them and makes her get away from the cage o evil mutants.  Of course, Arya being Arya gets all defensive and wants to fight him.  Then they see the gold cloaks of the city watch coming up the road.  Arya has them duck down behind a hedge.  She tells him they are after her.

  The officer wants the boy and Yoren is refusing.  The gold cloak says he will take their boy by force, but he only has five back up soldiers and all the NW recruits step up to protect their fellow recruits.  Even Hot Pie.  Arya jumps up to join the defense and so does Gendry.  Then it is revealed that Gendry is the one they are after.  The GC realize they’re outnumbered and ride back to King’s Landing.

  Yoren knows they’ll return in greater numbers so he urges everyone to get ready to flee.  Arya and Gendry are suspicious of each other because they don’t realize why the other one would be sought after.  Actually, poor dumb Gendry doesn’t even know why he’s wanted.

 

Jon I

  Jon wakes up Sam who’s been studying in the NW library.  He was sent to find maps of beyond the Wall.  They discuss the ranging they have to on.  Sam is pants pissing scared and Jon tries to comfort him, but he’s scared too.

  Jon reflects on the news that Robb is now a king.  He tries to pretend he’s not jelly, but he is.  Jon goes to see Mormont and the new first ranger (by his own estimation) Thoren (named after the dwarf in The Hobbit?) Smallwood is there.  He is trying to convince LC Mormont that the LC’s place is at Castle Black not a ranging.  Mormont doesn’t give any craps and informs Thoren that he isn’t the boss and opinion doesn’t matter.  Mormont says that Benjen is still first ranger until he’s proven dead.  Mormont tells Jon the story of how Aemon was offered the crown and refused to take it.  Take that how you will.

  Mormont’s raven keeps saying “king” and Jon thinks it means Mormont is meant to be crowned a king.  Oh, Jon.  You silly!  Mormont points out that both Jon and Aemon have a king for a brother in common,  Hm.  He calls Jon out on wanting to have the same prestige as Robb, but Jon vows to keep his oath.

 

Catelyn I

  Hoster’s blacksmith has just finished Robb’s crown.  It’s bronze and iron with no gems and frippery.  Robb is brought acaptive.  It’s Cleos Frey.  He’s on team Lannister because his mother Genna is Tywin’s sister.  They want him to carry a message to Cersei declaring their peace terms.  Robb makes Cleos swear to return and he will be sending an escort to make sure he keeps that vow.

  Robb’s terms are that he will release the Lannister boys but keep Jaime hostage.  Cersei will release Arya (ha!) and Sansa and Tywin has to release his hostages.  Robb also demands northern independence.  Lord Karstark is lurking in the back and stalks out all pissed off.  Robb knows some of his bannermen won’t like any truce arrangement.

  Cat points out that Cersei won’t agree to a hostage trade unless it included Jaime.  Robb knows he can’t give him up even though emotionally speaking he and Cat both want Sansa and Arya back.  They’re only girls after all.  Blech.

  Robb wants Cat to go to the Twins to pick out his wife, but she doesn’t want to.  He is also planning on sending Theon back home to the Iron Islands to negotiate with his father Balon.  She points out that Theon is a hostage and sending him would be effectively releasing him.  Robb trust Theon however.  Dumbass.

  Catelyn and Blackfish are talking war things.  Blackfish says that Amory Lorch who murdered Rhaenys Targaryen is now afoot along with Gregor Clegane.  Also, Tywin as hired the Bloody Mummers, some sociopathic mercenaries led by Vargo Hoat.  They need help.  Catelyn decides she must go negotiate with Renly.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  I’m not sure I mentioned it, but Praed the NW recruit dies on the road.

Cumulative deaths: 37

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

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Always wear pants to the tourney

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Prologue, Arya I, Sansa I, Tyrion I, Bran I

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Prologue

  The comet that Daenerys saw at the end of AGOT can also be seen in Westeros.  Maester Cressen is watching it from a balcony at Dragonstone.  The bright red and intense look of the comet is making him feel superstitious.  He hates that because maesters are trained to be rational and (relative to the time and place) scientific.  I hear ya, Cressen.  I’m an atheist and skeptic.  Yet, a dark bathroom scares the crap out of me.  What if I look at the mirror and there is a ghost right behind me?  Gaah!

  In addition to the comet, steam is coming out of the presumed volcano Dragonmont and a white raven arrived from the citadel where the maester headquarters is.  Albino ravens herald the change in seasons.  It is no longer summer.  Fall is here.  That means what?  You know what!  Winter is coming.

  Pylos, a younger maester who is fairly new to Dragonstone interrupts Cressen’s musings.  He tells him that Princess Shireen wants to see the white raven and she brought Patchface, Dragonstone’s fool with her.  Shireen is Stannis Baratheon’s only child with his wife Selyse nee Florent.  She is 10 years old, shy and awkward with her father’s jutting jaw and her mother’s Obama ears.  Half of her face is covered with greyscale.  Greyscale is a disease that is deadly to adults but survivable among children.  She got the disease as a baby and her face is still grey, scaly and hard.  I think it’s a combination of Leprosy and Scleroderma.

  Apparently, Shireen is awake at this time because she had her recurring nightmare about dragon eating her.  Uh, oh.  Cressen tries to comfort her by saying that the stone dragons at the castle just look realistic because the Valyrians had magical techniques to shape stone.  However, Shireen has heard from the red woman (more on her in a minute) said that the comet portended dragons coming back to life.  of course, Cressen doesn’t know any better and tells her that this just can’t be true.  These maesters just can’t seem to grasp that they are in a fantasy tale can they?

  Then they start talking about the changing seasons and Patchface interrupts with some creepy nonsense jingles.  He wears a bucket with antlers and bells.  Stannis’ parents had found Patchy in Essos.  He was a very talented entertainer.  When they were near Dragonstone they got shipwrecked.  Steffon Baratheon and his wife drowned.  Three days later, Patchy washed up somehow he was still alive.  Except he had some sort of brain damage that makes him all extra creepity.

  Pylos returns to tell Cressen that Davos Seaworth has returned.  Davos is a former smuggler who was raised to knighthood because he smuggled food onto Dragonstone during Robert’s rebellion when Stannis was holding it and it was besieged by Lord Mace Tyrell.  The island was starving.  Davos’ nickname is the Onion Knight because that was what he smuggled in.  However, smuggling is a crime and Stannis is really into upholding the letter of the law at all times so he also hacked off some of his fingers.  Davos wears those bones in a pouch around his neck.  Davos is now a trusted friend and ally to Stannis.  He just returned from canvassing various other lords for support.  He had no luck.  Davos tells Cressen that he advised against going to war with Joffrey, but Stannis will not heed that advice.  He believes his claim to be true and that’s that.

  Cressen goes to see Stannis.  Stannis is skinny and he has a permaclenched jaw.  He grinds his teeth all the time and doesn’t smile much.  Usually only women are called out for having bitchy resting face, but it definitely applies to Stannis.  He is pissed right off that the Storm Lords have declared for Renly.  The seat of the Storm Lands is the Baratheon’s ancestoral home Storm’s End.  Robert gave SE to Renly after he won the crown, an action that Stannis is still not over because Renly is younger than Stannis.  Stannis thinks of Renly as a shallow douche undeserving of his good fortune.  Fair point.  He will not compromise with Renly or accept Robb’s new status as King in the North.  Also, he is pretty bitter at Ned because Robert loved him so much more than he loved Stannis.

  Selyse comes in and interrupts them.  She is unattractive and mustached.  You know how it is in fiction ugly woman = THE WORST!!!  Selyse is no exception.  She is even more dour than Stannis is.  She agrees that Stannis is the rightful king and should never compromise.  She believes R’hllor wants him to be king.  R’hllor AKA the Lord of Light is a god imported from the east.  Selyse converted to the worship of LoL when the priestess Melisandre of Asshai (where Mirri Maz Durr studied !) got a vision that Stannis is the king and arrived on Dragonstone.  The mission of the LoL is to fight against the Great Other who is all about darkness.

  Stanis is still skeptical about his wife’s new religion.  I can’t say I blame him.  New converts are annoying whether it’s religion, the paleo diet or crossfit.  Selyse informs Stannis that Melisandre had a vision of Renly dead.  Cressen is appalled at this fratricidal talk and dislikes this religion.  He is a follower of the Seven.  Stannis isn’t trying to hear that and he dismisses Cressen.

  Cressen goes up to his room and decides that Melisandre is a big danger to Stannis.  He must be rid of her.  he decides to poison her with an amethyst colored substance nicknamed the strangler because it makes its victims choke to death and turn purple.  It can be disguised as choking on food.

  Cressen naps and when he wakes up realizes that he’s late to dinner with Stannis, Selyse, Mel and Stannis’ bannermen. We meet Melisandre for the first time.  She is tall, red haired, red eyed and beautiful with an imposing confidant personality. She wears a choker with a ruby on it that sometimes glows.  Confession time, I usually hat religious zealots.  But Mel is a fucking fabulous badass.  I love her!

  Patchy crashes into Cressen and knocks him over.  Mel mocks him for it and makes him wear Patchy’s bucket antler bell thing.  Stannis adds further insult to injury by informing Cressen that he was not invited to dinner because he’s a yammering old man and not needed.  He takes the opportunity to play fake nice with Mel and invite her to share a cup of (poisoned) wine.

  They both drink from the cup.  Cressen is killed.  Mel is unaffected.  She attributes this to R’hllor, bolstering her claim that God wants Stannis to be king.

  Holy shneikes that was a long info dump of a chapter.  I’ll try and make the rest of this post a bit more fun.

 

Arya I

  Arya has been posing as a boy commoner who is being recruited for the Night’s Watch.  Yoren cut her hair off before they left so she would look masculine.  The procession is full of rowdy orphan boys, rapers, thieves, poachers and a cage with three hardened criminals in it.  Their names are Jaquen H’gar, Rorge and Biter.  Rorge has a cut off nose and Biter has teeth that are filed into points.

  Arya, who is going by ‘Arry’ is the smallest and youngest of the lot.  Two of the orphan boys called Hot Pie and Lommy pick on her for this.  They call her lumpy head.  They make fun of Needle and accuse her of stealing it.  This enrages her.  An older boy steps in to defend Arya.  He has a bull helm.  Spoiler alert!  It’s Gendry, Robert’s bastard.

  Hot Pie tries to steal Needle, but Arya kicks his fat ass.  HP is sprawled on the ground crying until Yoren comes along and breaks it up.  After that, the boys are afraid of her.  That night Arya dreams of Winterfell and wishes to reunite with Jon.  Awww.

 

Sansa I

  It’s Joffrey’s name day.  The spin around the court is that the comet is there to portend glory for Joffrey.  Yeah, OK.  Sansa dresses to attend Joff’s birthday tourney.  She wears long sleeves to hide the bruises there from the beating she got when he heard Robb was claiming KitN.  Oh, ish!  That’s some depraved shit.

  This tourney is a piece of crap compared to the tourney from AGOT.  All the best knights are away at war.  Cersei won’t even be there because she will be in council meetings.  Myrcella and Tommen however, are there.  They’re still super cute. 

  When Sansa takes her seat next to Joff, he informs her that Viserys is dead and declares that he will kill Robb too.  Sure you will.  The Hound is guarding because this tourney is beneath him.  After a few jousts it is the turn of Lothar Brune, a servant of Littlefinger and Ser Dontos Hollard.  Dontos is wasted.  Like, he would be on Cops after a bar fight wasted.  He staggers out to the field pantsless with his peen flopping about.

  Joffrey is displeased because isn’t he always?  You’d think he’d enjoy the entertainment that drunken hot messes bring.  But, no.  He’s about to kill Dontos by making him drink himself to death shotgunning a cask of wine.  Sansa protests.  She cleverly makes up some crap about it being bad luck to kill someone on your birthday.  The Hound is nice enough to agree.  Joffrey buys it.  Sansa convinces him to make him a fool instead of killing him the next day.

  Shortly after there is a commotion.  It is Tyrion and his hill folk.  Tommen and Myrcella are delighted to see him.  Joffrey not so much.  He leaves and Sansa has some awkward conversation with Tyrion.  She tries to fake loyalty to the Lannisters, but you know he sees through it.  Even though he’s nice, Sansa has vowed to never trust another Lannister.

 

Tyrion I

  Tyrion decides to crash the small council meeting.  Hee hee.  Cersei is super bitchy.  Not pleased to see him at all.  He presents the letter from Tywin that gives him Hand proxy powers.  Cersei is incensed at losing the power to a sibling that she isn’t fucking.  The other council members Slynt, Pycelle, Varys and Littlefinger are more welcoming although LF makes sure to seem all smarmy about it.

  Tyrion sends everyone away to talk to Cersei privately.  She is really not taking his hand job (tee-hee) well and threatens to send him to the dungeons and declare the letter a forgery.  Tyrion negs her by pointing out her failures and offering to help make it all better.  They come to an uneasy truce.  But not before Tyrion makes it clear that he’s aware of the twincest.

I have plenty of criticisms for Tyrion in later books, but he fucking rules in this one.  He also implies that he knows she killed Robert and strongly suggests she keep Sansa alive.  Good.  Sansa’s previous chapter is when I really started to like her.

  Tyrion leaves and goes outside to order that all the gross festering heads on spikes be taken down.  He rides around the city to appraise thing and realizes that King’s Landing has gone to shit.  There’s chaos everywhere and the Tyrell’s who control the food supply and the road into KL have cut them off.  The poors are hungry.  This can only end well.

  Tyrion goes to the inn where Shae is staying to visit her.  Varys is already there because he’s a shifty eunuch and knows everything.  This is Varys’ message that Tyrion and shit and Varys has his number.  He tells Tyrion a riddle about how power is an illusion.  it lies where people think it does.  Hmm…

  Varys leaves and Tyrion and Shae get it on.

 

Bran I

  Bran has been having a lot of wolf dreams lately.  Summer and Shaggydog have been restless and constantly howling lately.  They know when shit is going down.  The comet is visible in Winterfell too.  Old Nan thinks it means dragons.  ON is a damn genius.  I’m not even snarking right now.  She knows all.  For maybe the only time in the series Bran acts his age and imitates the wolves by howling at the comet.  Luwin chastises Bran and doesn’t think the wolf dreams are very significant.  Oh, Luwin.

  The wolves have been trapped in a pen because Shaggy lunged at the Frey wards Big Walder and Little Walder.  They were annoying and played a game called ‘Lord of the Crossing’ that involves knocking people over that try to cross a log over water.  It was Rickon getting hit with a stick that caused Shaggy to attack.

  Bran has some more spooky wolf dreams.  They foreshadow of course.  The end.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Cressen.

Cumulative deaths: 36

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Fire! Fire! Heh, heh, cool

Book I am reading: AGOT the conclusion!

Chapters: Jon X, Catelyn XI, Daenerys X

Booze in my flagon:  Vodka and diet Sunkist (better than it sounds)

 

Jon X

  Jon decides to run away from home.  Sam is begging him not to go because he’s worried that he’ll end up like Mark Paul Gosselar in that 1990’s TV movie about teen runaways.  Or get beheaded by the NW.  But Jon is determined to go join Robb and avenge Ned.  Jon gets pretty far, past Mole’s town where the underground brothel is.  Eventually though he realizes Ghost is no longer keeping up with his horse.  He calls for Ghost and waits a half hour for him to return.

  After awhile, Jon hears the sounds of horses coming from the north.  It’s Grenn, Pyp, Toad, and Halder.  Jon tries to hide but Ghost bounds up to them and gives him away.  Jon refuses to go back with them, but they surround him and chant the NW vow at him.  He surrenders and makes plans to leave at some other time.

  The next morning, LC Mormont lets Jon know he knows about the desertation attempt.  Aemon apparently got super perception powers to compensate for his blindness and warned Mormont he would try it.  Maybe not super perception.  Maybe it’s just that emo guys think they’re far more mysterious than they really are.  Mormont has also worked out that Jon wants to run away at some other time.  He points out that Jon is being really self centered.  He isn’t that amazing of a warrior and Mormont’s own sister Maege is probably marching off to war with Robb. 

  Finally, Mormont points out that the war against Mance Rayder and his wilding army and the Others is more important.  Jon and Ghost are needed to go on a hug ranging beyond the Wall to look for Benjen and all the missing rangers.  Jon decides to get his shit together and he promises not to run off again.

 

Catelyn XI

  Catelyn, Robb, et al have reached Riverrun.  Cat’s younger brother Edmure and a Tully bannerman who helped capture Jaime named Tytos Blackwood are there to greet them.  Cat is told that her father Hoster is bedridden and dying.  She is pissed that nobody told her what was going on, but Hoster wanted it kept secret that he was ill so the Tullys didn’t look too weak.

  Cat and Edmure go to visit Hoster in his bedchamber.  He looks very frail and ill.  She tells him that they freed Riverrun and captured Jaime.  He wants to see Robb for the first time since he was a baby, but he’s less thrilled about seeing Blackfish.  Blackfish still refuses to marry and there is tension between the two.  Oh, Hoster.  Blackfish doesn’t want a wife.  He was born this way.  You can’t change it.  First though, he wants to nap.

  Cat goes down to the godswood where Robb is brooding.  Just like daddy used to.  He’s praying with the other lords (and Maege Mormont) who keep the old gods.  When Robb is done he shares with her the new that Renly has made a claim for the IT.

  Later, they convene a war council.  They argue over whether to support Stannis, Renly or to kill Joffrey and let Tommen, who isn’t evil succeed him.  Catelyn wants to offer peace terms.  However, all the dudebros would rather have vengeance.  They declare that they will never call a Lannister their king.  Greatjon Umber stands up and bellows that he will only bow to one king.  Robb.  The King in the North.  He wants the north to be independent again.  The other lords agree.  They chant “the King in the North!”

  And don’t you forget it!

 

Daenerys X

  Dany is having a pyre built.  She intends to burn Mirri Maz Duur.  Mirri calls her an ignorant ho for trying to mess with bloodmagic.  She isn’t trying to hear that and she has Jhogo whip her.  Dany’s future bloodriders are piling all of Drogo’s possessions on the pyre.

  Jorah is also trying to stop her.  Dany only cares that he had the gall to call her princess.  Now that Viserys is dead, she’s his motherfucking queen!  She tells him not to worry about her burning.  She knows what she’s doing.

  Dany gathers all the people that are left.  She tells the slaves that they are free to leave or to follow her.  She tries to get Jhogo, Aggo and Rakharo to become bloodriders but they don’t want a girl for a boss.  She names Jorah her queensguard and he gives her an oath of fealty.

  To get ready for the funeral pyre Dany takes a scalding bath.  I don’t know why because the fire is going to burn off anything germy on her body anyway.  Her handmaidens dress her.  Once again she has crotch perfume dabbed on her.  Again I ask, is this an actual thing or does GRRM have some sort of fetish for scented labia?  Anyways, she takes it upon herself to dress Drogo up and braid his hair.

  Finally it is time.  Drogo is carried to the pyre.  Dany also puts the dragons eggs on the pyre.  Jorah is against it of course.  Dany doesn’t care, of course.  Lastly, Mirri is put on the pyre and covered in oil.  Mirri says she will not scream.

  As they are about to light the pyre, Jhogo spots a red comet in the sky.  Dany interprets it at as a strong sign.  They light the fire.  Mirri sings and then starts to scream.  It reaches Drogo and then the pyre gets so hot everyone else is driven back.  Dany however “stands her ground.”  Like George Zimmerman?

  Dany is overtaken with the urge to step into the fire.  Her clothes are burning, but she somehow isn’t.  She stays in the fire until it dies off.  She isn’t burned at all.  Her dragon eggs have hatched.  There is a cream/gold dragon and a green/bronze dragon at each breast and a black/red one around her shoulders.

  Everybody is freaking out, but in a good way.  Everyone who stuck around is now a loyal follower of the mother of dragons.

Beavis would certainly follow her!

A Game of Thrones ends with the sound of dragons crying for the first time in hundreds of years.

 

At last!  This book took awhile to recap and I’m pretty sure it’s the shortest one.  I look forward to starting A Clash of Kings in a few days, or maybe tomorrow if I feel like drinking and blogging while I’m home sick with a cold.  It only gets crazier from here.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Mirri Maz Durr.

Cumulative deaths: 35.  35 characters died in a single book.  Wow!  This is probably the tames of the 5 so I can only imagine how big this number will get.

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1. Jon nearly violates his oath

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Get out of my dreams and into my crypt

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Bran VII, Sansa VI, Daenerys IX, Tyrion IX

Booze in my flagon: Vodka with sparkling water

 

Bran VII

  Bran is watching Rodrick, who has returned to Winterfell train boys in sword fighting.  No.  That’s not what it sounds like.  All the men have marched off with Robb so the young guys need to be trained to guard Winterfell.

  Bran is telling Maester Luwin about the dream he had last night.  The Three Eyed Crow told Bran to go down in the crypts with him.  Ned was there and he was sad but he doesn’t remember what they talked about.  Something to do with Jon.  When he woke up, he tried to get Hodor to take him down there, but Hodor wouldn’t go.  He wants Luwin to take him down to the crypts, but he thinks Bran is being silly and Ned won’t be dead for years.  Oh, Luwin.

  Osha pops up and offers to take him to the crypts.  Summer follows and Luwin goes with them after all.  There’s a cold and spooky feeling in the air.  Bran thinks he hears something and Luwin, of course thinks it’s his imagination.  Then Bran has been proven right.  Something jumps out at them.  It’s Shaggydog.  Rickon’s wolf.  SD is acting like Cujo and bites Luwin so Summer starts fighting him.  It doesn’t stop until Rickon emerges from the shadows and calls SD off.

  Rickon, in a remarkable vocabulary feat for a four year old explains that he dreamed about Ned, who told him he’s coming home.  Luwin looks a little uncertain of his previous skepticism.  They go to Luwin’s tower to dress his wounds.  Luwin is still trying to rationalize the boys psychic dreams away.  Osha is more open minded.

  They wind up talking about the Children of the Forest.  They were the creatures that lived in Westeros before the First Men came.  The COTF and the First Men went to war when the FM came over from Essos.  Eventually they made a truce and became friends.  The First Men eventually took up the Children’s gods.  The Old Gods that they still worship today.  Luwin believes the COTF are all dead, killed when the Andals (southerners) invaded.  Osha says they still live beyond the Wall.

  All of a sudden Summer and Shaggydog start howling.  Maybe they want snausages?  Probably not.  Bran has a feeling that something is very wrong.  Rickon starts crying.  Just then a raven arrives with the news of Ned’s death.

 

Sansa VI

  Sansa has been staying in bed crying and sleeping.  She considers suicide by jumping out the window.  She doesn’t do it.  Probably for the best.  She might have ended up like Bran.  Eventually Joffrey makes her get up and join him at court.  Finally, finally Sansa hates him as much as everybody else.  He claims it was mercy to kill him cleanly and she still has to marry him.  She tells Joffrey that she hates him and he has Kingsguard member Meryn Trant hit her.  Classy.

  At court, Joffrey makes all his rulings in the fashion of Kim Jong family members.  Or insert whatever dictator you don’t like in the previous sentence.  After court Joffrey makes Sansa take a walk with him.  He calls her stupid and says Cersei thinks she’s stupid too.  Now Sansa knows Cersei was just being phony to her all along. 

  Joffrey makes her go up to the battlements to looks at the severed heads on spikes of her father and the rest of the Stark household.  He also has empty spikes for Stannis and Renly.  He tells her that he’ll kill Robb and give her his head.  Sansa says that maybe Robb will give her his head.

Ooh Burn

  I will continue to post teen movie gifs as a way to deal with the sad and angry feelings these books give me.

Joffrey has Meryn hit her again.  She contemplates throwing herself and Joffrey off the wall, but the Hound stops her.

 

Daenerys IX

  Dany is having crazy fever dreams.  I don’t feel like describing them.  Suffice to say there is a major dragon theme.  She finally wakes up and is very dizzy and weak.  She drifts in and out of sleep.  Mizzi keeps feeding her some sort of roofied wine.  At one point she requests her dragon eggs come over for a cuddle.

  At last she wakes up for realsies and learns that Rhaego is dead and Drogo is still alive.  Nobody seems very happy about that though. Also, the baby looked like a hideous monster.  Mizzi seems kind of gleeful about that.  Dany decides to go see Drogo.  Outside of the tent there are only about a hundred people.  It turns out that a lot of Dothraki took this opportunity to make themselves Khals and everyone else followed them and left.

  Drogo is basically comatose.  It seems that Mizzi cheated her.  She admits that it was revenge for what Drogo and his khalasar did to her people.  She has Mirri carried off.  Later, just before dawn she suffocates Drogo with a pillow.

 

Tyrion IX

  Tywin is despondent because Robb has captured Jaime.  Tyrion and Tywin’s bannermen argue over what to do next.  Finally, Tywin kicks everyone but Tyrion and Kevan out.  Tywin informs them that Renly has married Margaery Tyrell and has all of the Reach on his side.  They decide that the most immediate priority is to take out the Starks before Stannis or Renly can do anything.  Tywin declares they will go to Harrenhal.

  Tyrion however, will not be going with them.  Tywin is sending him to King’s Landing to go to court and act as acting Hand of the King.  He forbids Tyrion from bringing Shae to court.

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Drogo.

Cumulative deaths: 34

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Mirri Maz Durr pretended to be on Dany’s side and wasn’t. 

Cumulative betrayals: 9

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Ned’s Head Edition

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Daenerys VII, Tyrion VIII, Catelyn X, Daenerys VIII, Arya V

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Daenerys VII

  Drogo’s khalasar has raided and defeated the Lhazareen, or as the Dothraki call them the Lamb People.  The Lamb People eat a vegetarian diet.  This apparently means they are wusses.  Drogo also kicked the ass of Khal Ogo’s khalasar.  Ogo had already been raiding the Lamb People when Drogo’s Khalasar came upon them.  Drogo didn’t come to much harm.  He only has a few cuts.  Phew!  Now nothing can go wrong.

  Dany sees a young woman being gang raped.  It’s upsetting because she missed the memo that raping usually accompanies pillaging.  She forces herself to look away and ride on.  Jorah tells Dany that he recommended selling the 10,000 captives from this raid to Meereen for slavery.  This is also upsetting for Dany, but she figures it is the price of Iron Throne.  Yikes.

  The girl who is being raped is still making a bunch of heartrending cries and harshing everyone’s war buzz.  Finally, Dany can take no more and decides to command that the Dothraki cut it out.  All the Dothraki are confused by this command because Lamb People are nothing important, but she stands firm.  Jorah compares her favorably to her brother Rhaegar.

  Can I just mention how much this chapter is pissing off the spell check?  This entire post has been red squiggles.

  All of the mess described above was before they even entered the town.  Inside the town it is worse.  Headless corpses are everywhere and lots of other women are being raped.  Dany has all the women rescued.

  When she meets up with Drogo, it turns out the small scratch is a missing nipple.  Ouch!  The khalasar members are complaining to Drogo that she took their spoils.  Drogo doesn’t understand why she stopped the rapings.  He does end up backing her, but thinks she’s fierce because his son is in her belly.  Shut up Drogo.

  Dany is concerned about Drogo’s wound.  One of the women she rescued volunteers to help.  Her name is Mirri Maz Durr and she is a godswife, which is some kind of maegi.  She learned magical arts from many people.  One of them was a Westrosi maester named Marwyn who was in Asshai while she was there.  She removes the arrow from his boob and puts a poultice on the wound.

 

Tyrion VIII

  Tyrion is having a tense dinner with Tywin.  The Lannister host and the Stark host are now about a days march from each other.  Kevan and Tywin want to put Tyrion’s hill folk in the vanguard when they meet in battle.  Tyrion has the awkward realization that Tywin just wants to get rid of them all.

  Tyrion tells them about how the different hill clans have been fighting amongst themselves.  Tywin extra bitchily says that the fault lies with the commander when the army is undisciplined.  Then he smugly informs Tyrion that he will command, but serve under Gregor.

  Tyrion stalks off and returns to camp.  Bronn has secured a whore for him.  Her name is Shae.  He tells her he wants the girlfriend experience and will give lots of money if she stays with him and doesn’t have any other clients.  She calls him “my giant of Lannister” without a trace of (detectable) irony and of course he loves that.

  The next morning he wakes up early to a war going on outside.  The Starks snuck up in the night.  He rushes out and falls in with his hill folk.  There’s a bunch of heraldry porn I’m not about to go into here.

  There’s lots of Stark armies, but Tyrion doesn’t see Robb anywhere.  The fighting begins and Tyrion manages to fight by being all sneaky and small.  The Lannisters had the bigger army and they win.  Tyrion and Bronn survived.  Ulf and Conn of the hill folk died, but Shagga, Chella and Timett survived.  Tywin’s bannerman Addam Marbrand arrives with news.  They captured Lord Cerwyn, Wylis Manderly and Harrion Karstark.  Lord Hornwood has died.  They captured four Frey’s and Roose Bolton escaped.  Robb Stark on the other hand is heading for Riverrun.

 

Catelyn X

  Catelyn is waiting in the Whispering Wood with her guard Hallis Mollen and thirty swords.  They’re to escape to Winterfell if the fighting goes against them.  Robb and the majority of his army are sneaking up on Jaime and his forces.  The other army sent against Tywin was a diversion.  They hear the battle, but don’t see it.

  Robb wins.  Jaime has been captured.  Theon wants him to execute Jaime.  He’s a dumbass.  Robb knows he is more valuable as a hostage.  He’s led away to be chained in irons.  Robb tells Cat that both of Lord Rickard Karstark’s sons Torrhen and Eddard died in the battle.  So did Daryn Hornwood.  This means both male Hornwoods are dead and the house is left without an heir,  Robb feels guilty about these deaths and Cat councils him to honor them and move on because shit still needs to get done.  Why do people say she’s too emotional again?

 

Daenerys VIII

  It’s hot as hell out.  Flies are circling all around Drogo.  He usually Hulk smashes them, but today he isn’t reacting.  It seems his wound got infected and he’s suffering from sepsis.  Six days earlier he had stupidly torn of Mirri’s healing poultice because it was itchy.  Finally he falls off his horse.  She insists that they make camp where Drogo fell and has Qotho fetch Mirri for her.

  While they’re waiting, Jorah informs Dany that they should flee right now.  Drogo is about to die and the Dothraki don’t care about inheritance.  Once Drogo dies, the strongest man will become the leader.  Yay meritocracy?  Jorah says they will kill Rhaego as soon as he is born so the prophecy won’t come true and threaten them.  Dany refuses to abandoned her man.

  Mirri comes into the tent and notices that Drogo’s wound has festered.  Well duh.  Qotho and Haggo start to beat her up because that’s how pleasant and reasonable chaps resolve problems.  Dany stops them and they leave.  Jorah very insightfully guesses they might pose a threat to Dany.

  Mirri says Drogo’s illness is now beyond her healing powers.  Another poultice isn’t cutting it.  The only way is a dark magic spell Mirri learned from a shadowmage in Asshai.  There is a price and only death can pay for life.  Dany asks if that means her death and Mirri says no.  Dany consents to this black magic spell without asking whose life must be sacrificed.  There’s no way that will bite her in the ass.

  Drogo’s bloodrider Jhogo is super nervous and wants to kill Mirri because black magic is forbidden.  Dany won’t hear it and she has Drogo’s horse brought in to be bled for Mirri’s spell.  Mirri orders everybody else, including Dany out of the tent.  From outside, she can hear Mirri wailing creepily and they can all see shapes dancing with her.

  Qotho decides to kill Mirri and then Dany.  Jorah fights him.  While this is going on Dany starts getting awful cramps.  Jorah kills Qotho, Aggo kills Cohollo and Rakharo kills Haggo.  She passes out in Jorah’s arms as he carries her to the tent to be treated by Mirri.

 

Arya V

  Arya is living in the streets of King’s Landing and is reduced to catching a pigeon with her hands.  She tries to trade the pigeon for a tart, but the vendor tells her to piss right off.  Arya has been wanting to leave the city but all the gates are under guard so she has to live as a street urchin in Flea Bottom the slum of King’s Landing.  All her valuables got stolen right away so she’s impoverished.  It’s sort of like a TV movie about teen runaways.  Like that amazing 90’s movie starring Mark Paul Gosselar (Zach Morris!).  But I digress…

  The bells start to ring.  Just like they did when Robert died.  People tell her that Ned is being taken to the sept of Baelor.  Ned is up at the sept with Joffrey, Cersei, the Hound, Varys, and Sansa.

  Ned confesses to treason and Arya is super upset.  Everyone in the crowd is taunting and booing.  The crowd starts pelting him with stones for no good reason other than that people are assholes.  The high septon makes some boring speech about mercy.

  Joffrey talks about how Queen Regent Cersei and Sansa want to let Ned take the black.  But they have the “soft hearts of women” according to Joffrey and he wants to be manly and so he asks Ilyn Payne to bring him Ned’s head.  Varys and Cersei try to stop it, but Joffrey doesn’t listen.

  At this point Arya is trying to run through the crowd and get to Ned.  She can hear Sansa screaming, but can’t cut through all the hordes of people.  She notices that Ilyn has Ice.   Suddenly an older man grabs her out of the crowd, restrains her and keeps her from looking.  She remembers that it’s Yoren.  She doesn’t see Ned’s beheading.

  Sorry.  I couldn’t make that chapter funny.

Sad in the Rain (Doctor Who)

 

Deaths in this recap:  10.  Ulf, Conn, Lord Hornwood, Torrhen and Eddard Karstark, Daryn Hornwood, Qotho, Haggo, Cohollo and of course our first major death of the series, Eddard Stark.

Cumulative deaths: 33

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 2.  Since it’s pretty clear Tywin sent his son Tyrion to die, I’m calling that a betrayaled was told his life would be spared if he confessed.  Joffrey went back on it. 

Cumulative betrayals: 8

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Crouching Tyrion, hidden dragon(s)

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Tyrion VII, Sansa V, Eddard XV, Catelyn IX, Jon IX

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Tyrion VII

  Tyrion and his stank ass clan people plus Bronn ride up to Tywin Lannister’s camp.  We get two full pages about how gross and uncivilized the hill folk are.  Then we get a couple of page describing the vastness of the Lannister camp, which is set up at the crossroads.  The place where Tyrion was taken by Cat.  Masha, the innkeeper has been hung for no good reason and crows are eating her decaying corpse.  This is when we first hear the joke about Tywin shitting gold.

  Tywin does not seem to give any gold flecked shits that Tyrion hasn’t been killed.  Tywin is very cold and intimidating and is making  Tyrion nervous.  Tywin can’t wait to point out that golden (handed) child Jaime would have never been captured by a woman and they are going to war for the honor of the house.  Not Tyrion’s welfare.  Father of the year folks!

  So far the war effort has been going well for the Lannisters and Tywin isn’t very worried about Robb because he’s a green boy.  Tyrion learns that Robb is dead and Ned is a hostage.  Tywin wants Tyrion to get rid of Beric Dondarrion, Thoros and their men who are still fighting against the Lannister foraging parties.  Tyrion starts asking for armor for his hill folk to wear when Shagga bursts in and disarms the Lannister guard.  His stink is riper and stronger than the cheese they are eating.  Stop trying to make me cut back on dairy GRRM.

  Tyrion introduces the hill folk to Tywin and Tywin’s lackey/brother Kevan.  They are interrupted again to be told that the Stark army is approaching.  Tywin manipulates the hill folk into agreeing to be on the frontline and tae Tyrion with them.

 

Sansa V

  Sansa has been given freedom of the castle.  It means she can move around, but she has guards following her at all times.  She is attending Joffrey’s first court session.  A lot of the usuals are mysteriously absent and those that are there keep their distance from her.

  Pycelle reads off a giaganamous list of lords and ladies that are commanded to come give fealty.  it’s all the people in rebellion.  He then names Tywin the new Hand.  Cersei is named the next regent.  That’ll go well.  For turning on Ned, Janos Slynt is given the title of Lord and given Harrenhal in place of Cat’s relative and Tully bannerwoman Shella Whent who has yielded.  It’s never explained where Lady Whent went and it kind of drives me crazy.

  Then, Barristan Selmy is called forward.  Cersei fires him because he’s old and failed to keep either Robert, or Aerys before him safe.  Jaime is to be the new Lord Commander.  Selmy is super pissed that a kingslayer is taking his post.  He tosses his cloak and armor to the floor and rejects the offer of a keep to retire in.  He tells them all he could cut them if he wanted, but he won’t, he’ll just let Stannis take the throne.  Instead he tosses his sword on the ground and melodramatically storms off.

  Somebody needs to fill the KG back up to seven.  That somebody is Sandor Clegane even though he isn’t a knight.

she doesn't even go here mean girls gif

  Now it is time for people to bring their business to the king.  Sansa speaks up to ask for mercy for Ned.  Sansa blames the treason on Ned being crunk on milk of the poopy (typo and it stays).  In an obvious dog and pony show Joffrey, Cersei, Varys, Pycelle and Littlefinger all agree that Ned should get mercy if he confesses.

 

Eddard XV

  Ned has been in a urine soaked dungeon cell.  Ned is finally starting to get real with himself and realizing he has been naïve and trusting.  He’s mad at everyone, but most of all himself.  Yeah.  Me too.  Well, I’m not angry Ned, just disappointed.  After being left alone with no food or water for a long time, Ned is finally woken by a gaoler who offers him a jug of water.  He is delirious and dreams about his sister Lyanna and the time Rhaegar Targaryen crowned her queen of love and beauty after winning the tourney at Harrenhal.

  Finally, Varys disguised as a gaoler comes to offer Ned wine and a chat.  He informs Ned that Arya has escaped and nobody can find her and that Sansa is being watched by Cersei.  He also informs her that Tyrion is free.

  Ned asks if Varys will free him.  He says no, it wouldn’t suit him.  He desires peace and freeing Ned wouldn’t accomplish that.  He tells him that Robb is marching and Cersei has more use for a tame wolf than a dead one.  He urges Ned to confess to treason to save Sansa’s life and serve the realm.

 

Catelyn IX

  Catelyn, Robb and his host are marching from the neck towards the Twins.  The Twins are held by lord Walder Frey.  Frey is very old and cranky.  In most stories the prickly, mean old man is revealed to have a heart of gold under all his curmudgeonly exterior.  Not this story.  Frey is supposed to be Hoster Tully’s bannerman, but that doesn’t mean he’ll have Robb and Cat’s back.  They need his approval to cross the bridge over the Trident river.  Theon thinks they could take the Twins if they needed to.  Cat disagrees.  They have no time for a siege because Tywin is too close.

  The Blackfish comes back from a scouting mission to inform them that there’s been fighting at Riverrun and Cat’s brother Edmure has been taken prisoner.  This makes it all the more urgent that they cross the river.  Robb starts to get all impetuous and declares they’ll storm the Twins.  Cat chastises him and tells him they need to find out what Frey wants first.

  Once they get to the Twins, a dozen men led by Walder’s heir Stevron Frey come out to meet them.  After some discussion as to who should go and treat with Walder, Cat volunteers.  She enters the hall of the castle and a bajillion of his kids and grandkids are there.  Walder is on his eighth wife, who is young, so there have been many heirs.  He’s like the Larry King of Westeros.  My pop culture references are not always timely.  Sorry.

  Walder wants to dispense with all pleasantries.  Predictably, he is not receptive to opening up the bridge for nothing.  He doesn’t care about the oaths he swore to her father.  He just wants to complain about how nobody respects him or wants to marry his fugly kids.  If Walder Frey were alive today he’d right at home making angry old white man complaints in the comments section of Fox News or Yahoo.

  Finally they come to an agreement.  Frey will let them pass and offer up his swords.  Two of Frey’s grandsons are to be sent to foster at Winterfell.  Frey’s son Olyvar will serve as Robb’s squire.  Arya will marry his youngest boy Elmar and Robb has to marry a Frey girl of his choosing. All the Freys are pretty weaselly looking, so Robb isn’t too excited about it.  Sadly, he has no choice but to consent.

 

Jon IX

  Jon’s recovering from his wight fight.  His hand is pretty badly burned.  His blisters are as big roaches.  Gross.  Why make that comparison?  Would there even be roaches in such a cold environment?

  Jon and LC Mormont are chatting.  Mormont is pissed that there is a shitty boy king in charge.  Now nobody will take the needs of the NW seriously.  In a touching male bonding moment, Mormont gives Jon his sword Longclaw as a reward for saving his life.  Why the hell not?  Jorah is a loser and a disgrace.  It’s a Valyrian steel sword.  Mormont’s creepy anthropomorphized raven implores him to take it.  The pommel has been changed from a bear to a wolf.

  Jon thinks of the times he used to dream as a boy that he saved Ned’s life and Ned proclaimed him a true Stark and gave him Ice.  Excuse me, there’s a sudden dust storm in here and my eyes are watering.

  Mormont tells Jon that he has sent Alliser Thorne to King’s Landing with Jafer Flower’s hand to show them and convince them that shit is getting real at the Wall and they need more men.  It also has the nice side effect of separating the two of them.

  Jon’s friends want to play with Jon’s new toy.  Of course Jon gets all angsty and has to leave them.  He’s hanging out in his cell with Ghost.  Sam interrupts them to say that Maester Aemon wants to speak with Jon.

  Aemon is all philosophical.  He asks Jon if he knows why the NW vows to take no wives and father no children.  It is so they will not know love.  Love would get in the way of performing their duty to the realm.  It was so they would have no divided loyalties.

  Aemon says it is easy for a man to do his duty when there is no other choice, but it is not so easy when he has to choose between duty and something he wants or loves.  Aemon knows Jon is choosing between his NW duty and his father’s cause.  Because Aemon had to choose several times.  He had to watch from afar the destruction of his house.  He is … dun, dun, dun … Aemon Targaryen.  And he chose his NW duty every time.

 

Deaths in this recap: 0  It’s an uneventful stat roundup today.  Don’t worry.  It’ll get better next time.

Cumulative deaths: 23

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0 

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

 

Sweet Jeyne is approximately screwed

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Sansa IV, Jon VIII, Bran VI, Daenerys VI, Catelyn VIII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Sansa IV

  Sansa has been trapped in her bedroom with Jeyne for three days.  Sansa has heard, but not seen all the carnage below.  That was on the first day.  On the second day they hear the bells clanging and Sansa figures this means Robert died.  On the third day, they bring her to have a little chat with Cersei.

  In Maegor’s holdfast Cersei is waiting with Littlefinger, Pycelle and Varys.  That can only be a good thing.  Cersei is working Sansa and being nice to her.  She hopes that Sansa has been treated nicely.  Sansa mentions that Jeyne is with her in the tower.  Uh, oh.  Lf offers to take her somewhere and keep her.  Boros Blount, the Kingsguard is sent to escort her away.  Poor Jeyne.  We won’t be hearing from her again any time soon.  Cersei tells Sansa that she is sending Jeyne away because Jeyne is clearly too upsetting for Sansa.  Cersei’s pretty good at manipulating people.  Well, naïve kids anyway.  And Ned.

  Cersei continues buttering up Sansa by telling her that she and Joffrey love her soooo much.  This pleases Sansa.  Then Cersei hits her with the news that Ned has been charged with treason.  Cersei passive aggressively wonders how she can allow a traitor’s daughter to marry her son.  Sansa protests that she loves Joffrey.  Cersei knows this.  Why else would Sansa have come to her if not for love?

  Now we travel back in time three days and learn how Sansa came to be escorted into the tower in the first place.  Sansa was still upset that she was being sent back to Winterfell and not staying to marry Joffrey.  She didn’t quite grasp why, so she went to Cersei to ask her to intervene.  Facepalm.  This is what alerted Cersei that she had to move quickly to capture and kill everyone in Ned’s household.  This is one of the most controversial parts of the series.  I’m going to just gloss over it a little.  Sansa made a mistake, she didn’t know what was happening, there was no malice.  That is all.

    Back to the present.  They all manipulate Sansa into proclaiming her loyalty to Joffrey.  They have her write out a letter to Robb proclaiming that Ned is a traitor and he needs to go to King’s Landing to declare fealty to Joffrey.  In exchange for writing the letters she thinks she gets to marry Joffrey and keep her family safe. 

 

Jon VIII

  Jon, Sam and everyone learn that the corpses ghost found belonged to Othor and Jafer Flowers.  Men that had gone with Benjen on his ranging.  Not a good sign for old Benji.  The creepy atmosphere is still abounding even though it’s warm out and not white walker weather at all.

  Sam is afraid to look at the corpses, but Jon tells him to stop being such a wimp and do his job as Aemon’s eyes.  Meanwhile LC Mormont is scolding the ranger Ser Jaremy Rykker for letting two men get slaughtered so close to the Wall without anyone noticing.  They speculate it was Mance Rayder and that Benjen is slain as well.  They put the time of death as a day ago.

  Sam however, begs to differ.  He has noticed that the stump of his wrist where ghost tore the hand off hasn’t bled.  This means the corpses are old.  It’s mysterious (and gross) though, because they don’t smell of rot, they don’t have maggots and no animals have eaten at them.  Chett, who has been reassigned to the kennels is ordered to bring the dogs closer.  The dogs won’t go anywhere near the corpses.

  Creepier and creepier.  They notice there isn’t blood everywhere, so they must have been killed somewhere else.  They also notice that they have blue eyes.  They didn’t when they were alive.  Some of the rangers want the corpses burned.  Mormont wants them investigated and orders them brought back to the Wall.  The horses won’t accept the corpses on their backs.  OK NW,  If the dogs and the horses won’t get anywhere these corpses, maybe it’s a bad sign.  Right?  No?  They fashion slings from branches and drag the corpses back to the wall. 

  Later on, a raven arrives at the Wall with a message.  Everybody is looking at Jon funny.  Finally Pyp tells Jon that the king is dead.  Poor Jon thinks this means Ned will be returning to Winterfell and he can visit and find out who his mother is.  He goes to Mormont’s solar and Mormont asks him to pour glasses of wine for each of them.  They need to talk.  That’s bad enough to hear in real life.  In Westeros, that’s a really bad thing to hear.  You’ll see.

  Mormont breaks it to Jon that Ned is charged with treason.  Jon’s all upset about this and doesn’t think it could be true.  Mormont just hopes Ned will be sent to the Wall because they need someone of his caliber.  Real sensitive Old Bear.  He has a point.  But still, it’s a shitty thing to say.  Mormont tells Jon he hopes he isn’t going to do anything stupid and stresses that his old life is finished and his duty is at the Wall now.

  Later in the dining hall, Jon’ friends are expressing support for him.  However, he overhears Alliser Thorne making fun of him and calling him a traitor’s bastard.  Jon lunges to attack Alliser and everyone has to separate them.  “Hold me back, bro!”  Jon gets in trouble for this and is confined to his cell.

  Later that night Ghost wakes him up pawing at the door.  He’s snarling and the air is really cold.  Jon opens the door and finds his guard dead on the floor.  Ghost leads Jon up to Mormont’s chamber.  There is dead Othor.  Poised to attack.  He cuts off Othor’s hand and the hand moves by itself and grabs him.  Ew!  Othor tries to choke Jon by shoving his icy fingers down his throat.  Ghost pulls him off.  Mormont’s raven says “Burn, burn, burn!”  Jon takes the lamp and lights the curtains on fire and whipped them at Othor.

 

Bran VI

  Robb has called his banners and the different Lords and their people are streaming into Winterfell.  Maester Luwin tells Bran that Robb will be marching south soon.  This is upsetting for Bran but Luwin tells him Robb must greet Lord Karstark the latest and last arrival and won’t have time for him.  Awww.

  Bran has Hodor take him to the godswood.  Summer accompanies them.  He sends Hodor to soak at pools while Bran reflects by the heart tree.  Bran remembers a recent night when Lord Greatjon Umber threatened to leave if he wasn’t placed first in the marching order.  Robb told him to go home and after the war they’d come and get him and hang him as an oathbreaker.  Umber pitched a fit and Robb sicked Grey Wind on him.  Grey Wind bit off two of his fingers.  For some reason this act of manly macho bonding made them besties.  Later that night, Robb came to Bran’s room to confess how scared he’d been.

  Back in the present, Osha, who is wearing chains on her ankles interrupts Bran’s prayers just as the leaves are spookily rustling.  Osha tells him the rustling is the Old Gods answering him.  She tells him that Robb shouldn’t be marching south.  The Old Gods can’t watch him there because the weirwood trees are cut down in the south. 

  Hodor interrupts them.  He’s naked and swinging his big schlong around.  Osha remarks that he must be giant.  Bran says that Maester Luwin told him that giants were extinct.  Osha begs to differ.  She tells him that there are not only giants beyond the Wall, but Others and wights.  She advises Bran to tell Robb he’s marching the wrong way.  Later on, Luwin tells Bran all her stories are bullshit.  OK Lu.

  Two days later, Robb and his host march south.

 

Daenerys VI

  Dany is trying, unsuccessfully to persuade Khal Drogo to cross the Narrow Sea and invade Westeros.  Drogo doesn’t quite get it.  He doesn’t understand the need for an “iron chair” and thinks the sea is poisoned and evil because horses can’t drink it.  The Dothraki are really afraid of the sea and travelling it.  Jorah later councils Dany to be patient and they decide to go gal pal it up and shop at the western market.  This is why you’re in the dreaded friendzone Jorah!  I kid, I kid.

  Once they get there, Jorah leaves Dany and the rest of the group to seek out the captain and see if any letters have arrived for them.  They come upon a wine merchant.  When Doreah tells the merchant he is addressing Daenerys, he offers her a special wine from the Arbor where the best wine comes from.  He gives her a cask, when Jorah appears out of nowhere and tells her not to take it.

  He commands the wine merchant to open the cask.  The merchant hedges, but Jorah threatens him into pouring some.  Jorah tries to get the wineseller to taste it.  Instead of complying, he runs off.  Jhogo catches the wine merchant by the leg with his whip and the Dothraki take him to meet the Khal.  Jorah says he knew the wine was poisoned because of a letter from Ilyrio.  he leaves it at that.

  Dany is super pissed. She thinks that the Usurper has awoken the dragon and he will be sorry.  Ha ha Dany.  He’s already dead!  She has Jorah light a fire and puts her dragon eggs in.  The fire doesn’t harm the eggs at all.

  Later Drogo comes home from his hunt with the pelt of a white lion for Dany.  He is so enrage when he learns of the assassination that he decides he will win the “iron chair” for Rhaego after all.  The next day, the Khalasar starts west.  They chained the wineseller to Dany’s saddle and leave him to run naked after it until he can’t keep up anymore and gets dragged to his death.  Yay happy ending!

 

Catelyn VIII

  Cat and Blackfish ride to Moat Cailin escorted by Robb’s bannermen Lord Wyman Manderly’s sons Wlyis and Wendel.  Both of the Manderly brothers are morbidly obese, although Wyman is even bigger and can’t even ride a horse.  Robb has temporarily set up camp in Moat Cailin.  An abandoned fort in the neck, separating the north and south.  It’s the old broke down stronghold of the First Men.  It’s also a little bit creepy and said to be haunted by ghosts of northerners who long for southron blood.  It’s also impenetrable from the south because it’s surrounded by bogs.

  Inside, Robb is sitting with his advisors.  Greatjon Umber and Roose Bolton who is intimidating, speaks in whispers and has icy creepy eyes.  Not suspicious at all.  Robb inquires about Ser Rodrick Cassel and she informs him she’s sent him back to Winterfell to act as Castellan.  She also has to break the news to the northern lords that her crazy ass sister let Tyrion go.

  Catelyn asks everyone to leave so she and Robb can dine alone.  She can’t quite believe her kid is leading men to war.  In a moment I find incredibly cute and sweet Robb asks her if she’s going to send him back to Winterfell.  Cat wants to, but knows she can’t because if he gets sent home by mommy none of the bannermen will take him seriously ever again.

  They talk battle strategy for a bit.  Sorry, this stuff is boring to me.  Read it yourself if you want the details.  Afterwards Robb is about to send her with an escort back to Winterfell.  She tells him, no she is going with them to visit Riverrun.

 

Deaths in this recap: 1  The wine merchant.  Not named, but he’s important enough to be included.

Cumulative deaths: 23

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0  There’s an implied betrayal here, but I’m waiting until it’s confirmed.  No I’m not putting Sansa in here.

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

I’ve Made a Huge Mistake Part Two.

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Daenerys VI, Eddard XIII, Jon VII, Eddard XIV, Arya IV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Please scroll down and read part one along with an explanation for all this fuckery before you start part two please.

 

Eddard XII part II

  Robert, now on his death bed expresses regret for his plot to kill Dany.  He wants Ned to write out something.  A last will.  He appoints Ned the King Regent until Joffrey comes of age.  Ned wants to tell Robert Joffrey isn’t his son.  He wusses out though and changes the language to heir.  Ned naively thinks that at the prospect of Robert dying, Cersei will take her kids and run away.

  Outside the bedchamber, Ned is talking to Barristan Selmy of the Kingsguard who had accompanied Robert on the hunt.  He feels guilty and reveals that Robert was hunting drunk.  What a surprise!  Varys sidles up and inquires about who gave the king the wine.  Turns out it was his squire Lancel, Cersei’s cousin.  Hmm…

  As Ned leaves, Renly walks with him.  He offers Ned a bunch of men to seize Cersei and her kids before Robert dies.  Ned refuses because he’s all honorable and shit.

  Once Ned gets back to the tower of the hand, he sends for Littlefinger and also has a letter sent to Dragonstone to Stannis Baratheon.  Robert’s brother and AWOL small council member.  The letter names Stannis the new king when Robert dies.  LF however, advises Ned to keep Joffrey as king to make sure peace is kept.  Stannis is uncompromising and would have Cersei and her kids executed.  Tywin would hate this and probably make war.  Ned doesn’t bite and LF agrees to bribe the city watch to back Ned up.

 

Jon VII

  Jon’s scheme was successful.  Sam will be sworn in as a black brother.  Yay Sam!  Mormont gives them a nice little pre vow taking speech.  He warns them that once they it it’s permanent.  Most will take their vows in the sept.  Jon will take them at the heart tree in the grove of weirwoods beyond the wall.  Sam decides he wants to do the same.  The Seven never answered his prayers anyway.  Might as well vow take with his new BFF.

  Now it is time to assign everyone to their orders.  Jon, to his surprise and chagrin is sent to the stewards.  Lord Commander Mormont has requested Jon as his personal steward.  Jon is super pissed and insulted to be treated like a servant.  Sam sees it differently.  He thinks this means Jon is being groomed as a potential future LC.  Jon kind of realizes that Sam is right but he is determined to have a tantrum anyway.  Finally he starts to feel like an asshole and agrees to take his vows.

  Bowen Marsh leads them all through the tunnel to the north side of the wall.  Ghost accompanies them.  Jon gets a creepy vibe from the forest and Sam seems to share it.  After they take the vows they turn to go back to the Wall.  They see Ghost and he has a human hand in his mouth.

 

Eddard XIV

  Final preparations are being made for the girl’s trip back to Winterfell.  Ned is letting Arya squeeze in one last lesson with Syrio.  However, he doesn’t let Sansa say goodbye to Joffrey.  Of course he doesn’t explain why.  Ugh.

  Ned decides to convene an emergency meeting of the small council.  Varys, when he arrives informs Ned that Renly has left the city.  Oops.  The meeting is interrupted by a summons for the council members to come before Joffrey and Cersei.  Oh by the way, Robert is dead.  Somehow with me being in my cups and all, that was missed.  Oh well.

  Cersei rips up Robert’s will and calls it a paper shield.  She commands fealty to Joffrey, the new king.  Ned refuses and names Stannis the heir.  Ned call the gold cloaks to arrest Cersei.  Unfortunately, Janos Slynt has them kill all of the Stark men instead.  Fat Tom, Varly, Cayn and the rest are stabbed.  Littlefinger grabs Ned’s knife, puts it up to his throat and says one of my favorite and least favorite lines of the series.  “I did warn you not to trust me, you know.”  Oof.

 

Arya IV

  Arya and Syrio are having a lesson.  Syrio tells her a story about how he got the job as fist sword to the Sealord of Braavos.  The Sealord had a menagerie of exotic animals shipped in from all over the world.  The last sword died and the Sealord was auditioning replacements.  All the men got sent away and Syrio didn’t know why.  He walked in and saw a big fat cat on the Sealord’s lap.  It turns out he was the only one who noticed it was a regular cat because everyone else was expecting some exotic beast.  Syrio got the job because he looked with his eyes instead of seeing what he wanted.  Cats are common in Braavos so I’m not sure why he was the only one who picked up on this, but whatever.  It’s an important story for Arya’s development.

  Then their lesson is intruded on by Meryn Trant of the Kingsguard and some red cloaks (Lannister guards).  They want Arya to come with them and claim Ned has summoned her.  Syrio questions why Lannister men would be sent and Arya quickly realizes something in the milk of the poppy ain’t clean.  She refuses to go.  They try to take her by force and Syrio starts to fight them off.  He tells Arya to run away.  Syrio is really fast and impressive, but severely outnumbered.

  Arya runs away and comes across the corpses of all the Stark men outside the tower of the hand.  She runs off to the stables.  Hullen, the master of horse who used to call her Arya Underfoot dies right in front of her, having been stabbed many times.  She comes across the corpse of Desmond, who told her that her father would be all right and one northman was worth 10 from the south.

  Arya comes upon the carts full of her stuff.  Among the baggage, she finds her sword needle.  A stableboy walks in an threatens to turn her in to the queen.  Arya stabs him.  After this, she runs away again and finds her way back to the tunnels with the dragon skulls.

 

Deaths in this recap: 8  Biggest number yet by far.  Hullen and Desmond in.  Usually I only include named characters, but since the stableboy is important for Arya’s character development he is getting included.  Fat Tom, Varly and Cayn.  Viserys.  Robert.

Cumulative deaths: 22

Maybe deaths in this recap:  1  New category.  This category can be subtracted.  I will add to it anytime somebody is presumed dead.  If the death is confirmed it will be subtracted and added to the deaths category.  If they are confirmed living, the number will just go down.  This time it is Syrio that may or not be dead.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 2  Viserys threatening Dany and her baby, Littlefinger pretending to be on Ned’s side and betraying him to Cersei.

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

I’ve Made a Huge Mistake

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Daenerys VI, Eddard XIII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Daenerys VI

  Dany is eating a horse heart because it will make her fetus strong, according to the Dothraki.  The Dothraki are way too horse obsessed.  They’re like those junior high girls who talk about and read about horses all the time and eventually they start to actually look like a horse.  There was a girl at my school who published a poem in our school’s lit newsletter entitled.  This Horse!  Twenty years later it still cracks my shit up.  I don’t think she went so far as actually eating a horse heart though.  That’s a whole other level of inappropriate.

  Anyway, she finishes the heart and it impresses everybody.  One of the old crones proclaims her fetus to be a boy who will grow up to be the “Stallion who mounts the world.”  Spoiler alert:  Her predictions are about as accurate as Sylvia Browne’s.  Too soon?  Dany names her son Rhaego after her dead brother Rhaegar.  Everybody chants “Rhaego, Rhaego, Rhaego!” and they marched to the lake where Dany and Drogo proceed to have sex in front of anybody.  I’m sort of surprised they cut that last part out of the show.

  Later, they are having a big feast.  Viserys is absent.  Jorah tells her he has gone to find wine at the western market.  Jorah informs Dany that Viserys had tried to steal the dragon eggs to sell them, but Jorah stopped him.  For some reason she says that she would’ve just given him the eggs because he is her brother and true king.  Not sure I’m buying that.  Jorah gently tries to explain that she the Dothraki now and doesn’t need his lame ass.  Especially since the stallion who mounts the world is the subject of a prophecy.  He will unite all the Dothraki in one Khalasar and all the people in the world will be his herd.

  Since all discussions of prophecy in ASOIAF get interrupted before the characters can finish their exposition, Viserys chooses this moment to come stumbling drunk into the hall.  He is mad that people started eating without him and calls Dany a whore.  This will end well.  Jorah tries to shut him the hell up, but fails and the other men start laughing at poor delusional Viserys.

  Then Khal Drogo tells Viserys he doesn’t get to sit with the rest of them at the popular table and has to go sit with the old men and the other people deemed useless.  They’re in the corner.  Seriously.  The politics of dinner at a Dothraki feast is the same as the politics of a high school movie cafeteria.

  Then things get realer than high school movies (Heathers excepted) when Viserys draws a sword.  You may recall that drawing a sword is a big taboo in Vaes Dothrak.  Viserys takes Dany hostage with the sword in hopes of getting Drogo to take his Khalasar to Westeros and get to the invading.  Oh Viserys.  We all wish that would happen, but you are going about so very wrongly.

  Drogo assures Viserys he will have a golden crown that men shall tremble to behold.  Viserys is pleased with this.  Poor stupid Viserys.  Drogo’s bloodriders seize Viserys.  Drogo melts a bunch of gold.  He pours it onto Viserys head.  Killing him but giving him a golden crown.

 

Eddard XIII

  Robert, having finally returned from the hunt summons Ned in the middle of the night.  As he approaches the royal apartments bad vibes abound.  Turns out the boar Robert was hunting gored him from groin to nipple. Ouch!  The wound is apparently necrotizing or something because the whole room stinks of death.

  Rober wants to talk to Ned and he makes Cersei leave the room.  Clearly this pisses her off and scares her. Now I’m going to publish and continue the rest in a second post because everything froze and I can no longer type in the editor without wanting to off myself!

 

So many twincest babies, so little time

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Jon VI, Tyrion VI, Eddard XI, SansaIII

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

Before I get started I would like to make a completely unrelated complaint.  Why, oh why did the Lifetime Movie Network stop showing movies?  It is such a great Saturday and/or Sunday afternoon pastime to loaf on the coach and watch movies about stalkers and angsty teens.  Now they are showing true crime shows.  Why?  ID does it better so what is even the point.  From the LMN Facebook page, I gather that fans are pissed and the network won’t address it.  Why do networks do that?  Oh well.  Time to get back on topic.

Jon VI

Alliser Thorne still thinks his recruits are worthless.  However, it is time to make way for fresh new thieves and rapers so it is time to graduate some people from the ballet school into the company.  Just like the Center Stage cast, they are now the real deal.  Among the lucky fellows are Jon, Grenn, Pyp, Dareon and Toad.  Not Sam obviously.  He sucks.  Alliser tells them they are all going to die when winter comes and dismisses himself from class.  Alliser Thorne reminds me of Mr. Hand from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Everyone is celebrating except Sam who feels left out and Jon who just can’t help himself.  He just has to angst about Benjen still being missing.  Those two.  Always harshing everyone’s mellow.

Later on Jon goes for a horseback ride and contemplates backing out of the NW before he takes his vows.  Ultimately he decides he’s got nothing better to do with his life and decides to stick it out.  He knows he has no place at Winterfell and his mom didn’t want him either.  That part is sad and this time I can’t really make fun of him for the angst.  While riding back to Castle Black he devises a scheme.

Jon goes to visit Maester Aemon.  The Steward Chett answers the door.  Chett has a face covered in boils and pimples including something the size of a pigeon egg on his neck.  Gross!  Surely somebody this hideous also has a bad personality.  Sure enough Chett is cranky.  He always is.  He tries to keep Jon out by telling him he’s in bed.  Jon doesn’t care about an old man’s rest because his business is too important.  Everything turns out OK though.  He wasn’t even asleep anyway.

Jon is there to ask Aemon to pull some strings and get Sam graduated into the NW too.  He explains that Sam will never ever be able to fight and further training is futile and uses an allegory about the Maester’s chains which are made of different metals to pretty much say “it takes all kinds.”  Sam will never be a warrior, but he could be a steward because the Watch is pretty short on literate, educated people and Sam is a nerd so he’d probably be good at helping Aemon out with math, writing and tending the ravens.  If I hadn’t mentioned Aemon is really old and blind so that nerd stuff will come in handy.  Aemon makes no promises but compliments Jon on his intelligence so we all know how it’s going to turn out.

Tyrion VI

Tyrion and Bronn are well into their journey down the mountains of the Vale.  Tyrion wants to get a nice fire going.  Bronn is against it because it will draw the mountain clans down.  Tyrion would rather die comfortable by a fire than get killed trying to race down the mountain at night so he asks Bronn to hunt down some game.  They strike up a heartwarming deal.  They will ride together and Bronn will protect Tyrion.  However, this is because Tyrion is rich and will match the price of any enemy to keep his protection going.  Bronn wants to make it clear that they are not real friends and he does not love Tyrion.  No homo!

With their understanding settled, they settled in for dinner and sleep.  Even though they are totally not friends, they chat like two teenaged girls at a sleepover.  Tyrion tells the tale of his first love Tysha.  When he was 13 years old he and Jaime were riding home to Casterly Rock from Lannisport when they saw a young girl running out to the road and screaming.  She was being chased by two pervs.  Jaime chased them into the woods and Tyrion comforted Tysha who was an orphaned crofter’s daughter.  While Jaime went off to catch the would be rapers Tyrion took Tysha to an inn to feed her.  They ended up getting drunk and having sex.

Tyrion and Tysha decided they want to get married so they bribed a drunk septon to do it.  In the morning drunk septon fessed up to Tywin and boy howdy was Tyrion in trouble.  Tywin made Jaime confess that Tysha was actually whore.  Here’s where things get incredibly disturbing.  Tywin had all his guards rape her while Tyrion watched.  Then he had Tyrion rape her too.  I guess now we have some insight into the dysfunctionality of the Lannister siblings.

Finally the sleepover friends drift off to sleep.  Or Tyrion does anyway.  Until Bronn wakes him up.  The feared mountain clansmen have arrived.  Side note; it’s impossible to type clansmen without thinking klansmen,  Yuck.

Anyway, these hillbillies are named Gunthor son of Gurn, Shagga so of Dolf and a bunch of other names.  Of course the Stone Crows want to mug and kill them.  But of course, Tyrion wins them over with pithy remarks and promises to give them the Vale of Arryn.  I guess it doesn’t occur to them that Tyrion probably can’t keep this promise because it totally works.

Eddard XI

Ned has to sit in the uncomfortable stabby Iron Throne and hold court because Robert is away on his hunt even though things in Westeros are going to shit.  Both Riverrun and Casterly Rock have called their banners.  Gregor Clegane and a bunch of other Lannister brigands have been raiding towns killing pretty much everyone and burning everything.  Nice.  The brigands weren’t flying any banner but it’s kind of hard to hide who Gregor is.  Pycelle tries to steer everyone away from believing that Tywin had anything to do with this.  That’s not suspicious at all.  Nope.  Nothing to see here.

As Eddard is about to decide how to dispense justice, Loras Tyrell comes forward, eager to go hunt Gregor down. Instead, Ned sends a lord named Beric Dondarrion.  This is important detail that you’ll need to file away for later.  With Beric goes several others including Thoros of Myr and twenty of Ned’s men.  Loras is terribly disappointed and Varys pretty much calls Ned stupid for not currying favor with Tyrells by sending him.

Sansa III

Sansa (who had been observing court) and Jeyne Poole are discussing the tragedy of Loras not being allowed to go hunt down Gregor.  Sansa thinks Ned’s crankiness comes from his hurt leg and it’s making him delusional or something.  Erm, OK?  Earlier, on the way out of court Sansa was complaining to Septa Mordane about this troubling turn of events when who should sidle up to them?  Littlefinger of course.  He agrees with her that Loras should have been sent, but not because of his dreamy knightness.  He strokes her cheek and tells her life is not a song.  Unsurprisingly, Sansa was skeeved by this.  Methinks Westeros would have benefitted from To Catch a Predator.  Outdate pop culture reference FTW!

Anyway, back to the present, Jeyne is pretty warm for Beric’s form and thinks he’s just as gallant as Loras.  Sansa thinks he’s old because he’s 22.  Um…no comment.  Sansa thinks she is stupid because even a minor lord wouldn’t want to marry a steward’s daughter.  They gossip about Joffrey and Arya for awhile.  Then they went to eat leftover strawberry pie.  I notice that for all of GRRM’s food porn, the characters never seem to eat anything with chocolate.  Maybe cocoa plants don’t grow there?  So many things suck about Westeros but the lack of chocolate might be the worst.  I’m such a girl right now.  Blogging about chocolate and Sansa and drinking wine with a cat curled up next to me.

At breakfast Sansa tells Arya about Gregor’s unsavory activities and the men who were sent for Gregor’s head.  Arya points out that Jaime should have been beheaded for killing Jory and the Hound should be beheaded for killing Mycah.  Of course, Sansa defends the Hound and of course Arya gets pissed and throws her orange at Sansa’s face.  Septa Mordane sends them both to their rooms.

Later Ned calls Sansa into his room for a talk.  She also brings Arya in.  Not to talk about their fight though.  He tells them they are being sent back to Winterfell.  Both girls are upset.  Sansa wants to marry Joffrey (ick) and Arya wants to keep training with Syrio.  Their pleas end up with Sansa pointing out that Joffrey is nothing like his fat drunken father.  That sure gives Ned pause.

Eddard XII

Pycelle is “treating” Ned by trying to keep him stoned off his ass on heroin milk of the poppy.  Ned isn’t having it.  He then tells Ned that Tywin is pissed off about Ned sending people after Gregor.  Ned informs Pycelle that he does not have a single fuck to give and Pycelle hobbles off.  Presumably to report back to Cersei.

Ned has figured out the secret that Cersei is covering up, but he isn’t letting us in on it yet.  TELL US NED!!!   Ned tells one of his men to deliver a note to Cersei to meet him in the godswood.  He tells her knows what she did last summer the truth Jon Arryn died for.  Cersei mentions Jaime and Ned taes the opportunity to ask her if her brother is also her lover.  Ew.  Of course we know that he is.

Finally, finally!  Ned comes out and says it.  All three of Cersei’s kids are Jaimes, not Robert’s.  You see, that’s what Jon Arryn’s final words “the seed is strong” mean.  All of the Baratheons always had black hair and all Cersei’s kids are blonde.  A geneticist or Maury Povich would tell you that isn’t the greatest evidence.  But this is fantasy and it is good for Ned in light of Sansa’s observation.

Cersei is very happy that all her kids belong to Jaime.  Robert is pretty lame, but geez Cersei HE.  IS.  YOUR.  FRAKKING. BROTHER!  Cersei also admits that the only time she got pregnant by Robert she got a abortion.  Ned wants to know why Cersei hated Robert so much.  It’s because on their wedding night Robert got wasted and called her “Lyanna” when they were consummating.  I actually can’t blame her for being so angry.  Remember on Friends when Ross was marrying Emily and he said “I take thee Rachel?”  It’s like that.

Ned tells Cersei that he will tattle on her when Robert comes back from hunting.  He advises her to leave the country with her kids.  She brings up the time he could have taken the Iron Throne for himself when he took KL for Robert.  Then she says one of the more famous lines from the series:  “When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.  There is no middle ground.”  Take note Ned.

I know that from a storytelling standpoint, this conversation needed to happen.  Still, I feel like neither of them would have been quite so candid with the other in reality.  Oh well.  It was still really awesome.

If I don’t end up with anything to do tomorrow I’ll be back to cover the chapters where the shit finally starts to hit the fan.

Deaths in this recap: 0  Don’t worry.  There are a bunch set up for the next entry.

Cumulative deaths: 14

Betrayals in this recap: 1  Tywin was a terrible father today.

Cumulative betrayals: 4

Incest incidents: 3.  Cersei admits all her kids are the product of twincest so I’m counting them all even though it was in the past.

Cumulative incests: 6