Tag Archive | Daenerys

Weasel soup

Book I am reading: A Clash of Kings

Chapters: Arya IX, Daenerys IV, Tyrion XI

Booze in my flagon: Pinot grigio

 

Arya IX

  Arya goes to visit Hot Pie in the kitchen.  He is making tarts for Amory Lorch and Arya wants to spit on them.  She’d make a perfect service sector employee!  I don’t even mean that sarcastically.  A lot of customers deserve that shit.  Arya’s new boss Pinkeye is an alcoholic and passes out every night so she’s feeling a little bolder than she did under Weese.  She proposes escaping but Hot Pie doesn’t actually want to escape because living in the forest and eating bugs kind of sucks.  Arya hears a horn that indicates the gates are being opened and so she steals a tart and goes to see what’s happening.

  It’s the Bloody Mummers returning.  They’ve brought a big black bear with them.  They also have a bunch of prisoners.  The prisoners are all bearing northern sigils.  The prisoners include two nobles, a Glover and a Frey.  There’s a little bit of tension because Amory Lorch and Vargo Hoat hate each other.  I guess there’s only room for one complete and utter sociopathic douchebag per zip code?

  Pinkeye comes down to see the commotion so Arya runs off to escape notice.  She goes past the armory and has a headlong into puberty moment when she sees Gendry doing his metal work and being all muscley and sexy.  She asks him to help her free the Northern/Riverlands prisoners but he isn’t anymore into it than Hot Pie was.

  Finally, Arya realizes that she’s going to have to resort to getting her last name from Jaqen.  She’s been a little afraid of him ever since he Cesar Millaned that dog into killing Weese.  She realizes he’s more of a sorcerer than just a really bad ass assassin.

But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Arya prays to the weirwood tree in Harrenhal’s godswood to get the northerners out and then remembers the Old Gods (OGs?) didn’t do jack shit to help her dad so she starts yelling at them.  Jaqen sneaks up behind her and says “Gods are not mocked, girl.”  Clearly he has never seen any George Carlin standup.  He’s creepy and hot as usual and reveals that he knows she is Arya Stark even though Gendry didn’t spill the beans.

  However, Jaqen won’t help her.  She needs two guards to die to get the Northmen out and she only has one name left.  She makes him swear that he would kill anyone she named no matter what.  She whispers in his name “It’s Jaqen H’ghar.”  Oh snap!

  The ploy works.  He agrees to help her if she takes back his name.  Smart girl!  Jaqen tells her to go to the kitchens to help make a broth and wait for him there.

  Jaqen finally comes to fetch Arya.  Unfortunately he brings those fucks Rorge and Biter with him.  Arya is not too pleased about that.  They all carry a bunch of soup pots into the dungeon.  Jaqen tells Arya to stay out of the way.  Jaqen, Rorge and Biter all threw the soup in the guard’s eyes allowing them to kill them all and let Robett Glover, Aenys Frey and the rest out.  This allows the Northmen to outnumber the small garrison holding Harrenhal.  They took it over.

  Jaqen and Arya agree that his debt is paid and she unsays his name.  Then some freaky shit happens.  He declares Jaqen dead, rubs his hand across his face and becomes an entire new person.  Whoa!

The Artist Formerly Known as Jaqen H’ghar tells Arya that if she comes across the Narrow Sea with him she can learn how to take a new face and name too.  She tells him no because she wants to get home so he gives her an iron coin.  He tells her to give it to any man from Braavos and say “valar morghulis” to find him again.  He leaves in a mysterious swirl of darkness and awesomeness.

  Overnight, the Bloody Mummers turned cloak and joined the northerners, killing Amory Lorch’s men.  The incident becomes known around the castle as dying of hot Weasel Soup.

  That evening the new master of Harrenhal arrives.  It’s Roose Bolton.  Rorge and Biter out Arya as the one responsible for Weasel Soup.  Roose is somewhat impressed so he makes her his cup bearer.  The Bloody Mummers give Amory Lorch to the bear to be torn apart.  Oh well.

 

Daenerys IV

  Dany expects the House of the Undying to be extra opulent.  But it isn’t.  It’s a crumbling ruin.  By the way, this chapter would be best if I was on hallucinogens rather than alcohol, but I’ll do my best.

  The building looks like a serpent and is surrounded by trees whose plants make the Shade of the Evening which is the magic drink the warlocks take.  Jhogo thinks it looks evil and Aggo agrees.  Xaro and Jorah tell her the Warlocks are worthless and won’t do anything for her.  Dany does not heed the warnings and even when Pyat Pree tells her she has to go alone she’ s still desperate enough to agree to those terms.

  Pyat tells Dany the Undying Ones are dangerous and if she values her soul she’ll to always take the rightward door and climb up never down.  He tells her not to enter any room until she gets to the audience chamber.  A dwarf gives her a glass of evening shade and Pyat tells her she has to take it.  This is sounding sketchier by the moment.  At least she has Drogon with her!

  Dany sees many creepy things, A naked woman being eaten by little rat men, a bunch of corpses killed at a feast while a dead man with a wolf head presides, her old house with the lemon tree and Willem Darry, a Targ (Rhaegar) on the iron throne with baby Aegon saying there must be one more because the dragon must have three heads.

  Dany reaches a dead end.  There are only stairs going down and there are no doors on the right.  Drogon is freaking out.  Then it occurs to her that the first door on the right = the last door on the left.  Yay!

  Finally she bursts out into the courtyard to find Pyat standing there telling her she’s only been gone a few minutes.  Dafuq?  That’s like the end of Contact (movie version).  He tries to guide her away but she decides to take the next rightward door anyway.  This causes him to cry and yell.  She turns out to have made the good choice.  She gets to an ebony and weirwood door and beyond it are wizards that seem like they must be the Undying. 

  Drogon freaks out and bites at the ebony and weirwood door.  She runs away and into a room with a big stone table.  Above the table floats a big blue throbbing heart.  Huh?  Around the table are blue shadows.  Maybe these are the real undying?  Maybe Dany is just high as fuck?  All the creepy Undying people are blue and withered and don’t breathe or move.  They just whisper.  Ick.

  They tell her “three heads has the dragon…three fires must you light…one for life and one for death and one to love…three mounts must you ride …one to bed and one to dread and one to love…three treasons will you know…once for blood and once for gold and once for love.”  So many ellipses!  So many…so many…

  They call her “mother of dragons, daughter of death” and show her Viserys dying, a man with silver hair and copper skin before a fiery stallion banner, Rhaegar dying with his rubies, a red sword in the hand of a blue eyed king who casts no shadow (Stannis prolly) and a mummer’s cloth dragon.

 Fuck me this chapter is cool to read but a pain to write up.  Is it over yet?  No?  Ok…

  A stone beast flies from a burning tower and the phantoms say “mother of dragons, slayer of lies…” and then she sees a corpse on ship and the phantoms say “mother of dragons, bride of fire…”  More ellipses!  So many!

  Then the visions come to fast to process, the phantoms start grasping her and then Drogon comes to the rescue.  He burns them and burns the whole damn building.  Dany escapes and Pyat is pissed.  Now I think I’m tripping by proxy 😦

 

Tyrion XI

  It’s the eve of battle with Stannis.  Tyrion sends Shagga and the Stone Crows to hunt down his scouts.  Sending the clansmen away leaves Tyrion feel vulnerable because he doesn’t trust Bronn’s sellswords.  Can’t imagine why :/

  Tyrion also doesn’t trust the Gold Cloaks.  Neither does their leader Jacelyn Bywater.  He thinks they’ll desert if the battle starts turning against the Lannisters.  It’s looking bad.  So bad.  Especially since the smallfolk are still hungry and pissed off.  Who can blame them? 

  Tyrion reflects on the loss of Harrenhal for the Lannisters and the loss of Winterfell for the Starks.  Tyrion finds himself empathetic to the Starks but pushes that thought of the way.  Don’t try to hide it Tyrion.  You know you’re as much of a Stark fan as most of the readers!  Especially since no one likes Theon.

  Later Tyrion goes to the swearing in ceremony for the new King’s Guard.  He approves of Balon Swann.  He doesn’t approve of Osmund Kettleblack.  Kettleblack is shady.  We know this is true because of literary shorthand/stereotyping.  He’s low born with a hook nose and a spade shaped beard.  Like the devil.  Oh noes!

  Later Tyrion meets with Pyromancer (pie romancer!) Hallyne.  Hallyne claims to have 13,000 jars of wildfire.  Tyrion is skeptical but Hallyne claims that in addition to finding an old cache, the spells to make new “substance” are working better than usual.  We are to infer that it’s because of the dragons.  Hallyne even asks if there are dragons about.  Tyrion is skeptical of course but Hallyne remembers that magic died out with the last dragon so it is all kinds of suspicious.

  Later on Varys arrives with the news that some people think Stannis will win and are on his side.  They call themselves the Antler Men.  Tyrion orders them arrested.

 

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Amory Lorch of course.  I’m also counting Jaqen.

Cumulative deaths: 59

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  I’m counting Arya saying Jaqen’s name.  I understand it, but it was still kind of shitty.

Cumulative betrayals: 15

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

 

Fiery Bush

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:   Arya VIII, Catelyn V, Daenerys III

Booze in my flagon:  Today I’m going hipster c. 2005 and drinking PBR

 

Arya VIII

  Harrenhal is in chaos because Tywin is finally marching.  Arya has been running a whole lot of messages back and forth and Weese is being an insufferable asshole.  He tells Arya if she runs away he’ll give her to Vargo Hoat who likes to chop off limbs (ooh foreshadowing).  She’s been desperately looking for Jaqen H’ghar because she Tywin is taking the Mountain, Dunsen, Polliver, and Raff with him.

  Arya is sent to deliver a message to the armory.  There she sees Gendry and can’t help but notice his naked sweaty chest.  I feel you, girl.

Gendry is kind of a humorless dolt and doesn’t realize he’s a cover of a romance novel so all he wants to is scold Arya for yelling “Winterfell!” while fighting back at the holdfast, thus possibly giving away her identity.  It seems Hot Pie ratted her out.  Bad Hot Pie! In penance you shall make lots of wolf bread.  Oh right, that’s only in the show.

  On the way back to Weese, Arya overhears people gossiping about Robb.  They are discussing rumors that he is a warg with giants in his army.  For a minute she feels her Stark feels coming back to her but Weese comes up and interrupts her being an asshole as usual.  He even slaps her hard enough to make her taste blood.  Now she hates him.  Watch yourself Weese.

  While delivering yet another message she runs into Rorge who of course harasses in a most icky way.  Luckily he doesn’t do anything because she asks about Jaqen and he seems afraid of him.  He tells her Jaqen is in the bathhouse.  He’s lounging in the bath and despite how much her life sucks right now at least she gets plenty of eye candy today.  She whispers “Weese” in his here.  Gah!  This might be the only point in the series that I get mad at Arya.  She had a chance to take out Tywin!  Noooo!

  I guess it’s well deserved though.  At dinner time he catches her staring at him and smacks her, shoves her, and threatens to gouge out her eyes.  Classy.  Unfortunately, Jaqen doesn’t get him that night and he’s still terrorizing her in the morning.  As she watches Tywin and company march off she finally regrets her strategic blunder.  She runs off to find Jaqen to see if she can reverse her choice.  As she’s running she hears a loud shriek.  It’s Weese who had taken a fall and died.  Jaqen is leaning against the wall looking all sly.  She only has one kill left.

 

Catelyn V

  Two days ride from Riverrun Cat and Brienne run into a scout for the Freys.  Um, good?  She finds out the Blackfish has gone west with Robb so she has to settle for a visit to the camp of Martyn Rivers, one of Walder’s bastards.  Rivers tells her that he has orders to bring her back to Riverrun because with Tywin on the move it is not safe to be out roaming around.  This is troubling news.  Thanks Obama Arya! 

  The battle at Oxcross is recounted for the third.  Blah, blah, blah.  I guess I’m a stereotypical girl in a few ways because battle talk does not interest me at all.  It’s second only to poems and songs (looking at you Tolkien) in things I skim while reading fantasy.  Anyway, Cat is not pleased with the nasty rumor that Robb cut out Stafford Lannister’s heart and fed it to Grey Wind.  I would be quite pleased with that rumor actually, scaring your enemy has to be a good thing.

  That night, Brienne approaches Cat to ask her if she can be released.  She’s been quiet and socially awkward so far, not bonding with anyone so it isn’t a huge surprise.  Brienne wants to go back to Storm’s End.  To vengeance kill Stannis.  Cat convinces her not to by commiserating about her grief over Ned and convincing her to live in the now and all that Lifetime movie stuff.  Erm, sorry.  I’m bad with sentiment.  She wants Brienne to serve Robb and fight for him, but she would rather serve Catelyn.   She only asks that she not her back if she gets the opportunity to kill Stannis.  Catelyn agrees and Brienne pledges to serve her.

  When they get near Riverrun the next day Cat notices that camps are set up again.  It looks like Edmure is intending to fight Tywin there at the Red Fork.  This makes Cat nervous for some reason.  Probably because Edmure is kind of an idiot.  The walls of Riverrun are full of decomposing hanged Lannister men.  Yet another thing that makes Cat uneasy.  It seems like everything makes her uneasy.  She’s a little afraid that Jaime is one of those bodies.

  I just have to stop here and note that the book describes Edmure’s beard as a fiery bush.  Hahaha!  That sounds a whole lot like fire crotch to me.  Maybe I’m just gross.  Especially since fire crotch always conjures up images of a fire ant colony residing on someone’s crotch.

  Anyway…

  It turns out the hanged men were Cleos’ envoys.  They broke out Jaime who was retaken, but with some casualties.  This happened while Edmure was out whoring so this news puts Cat in, you guessed it, a bad mood.  Robb wanted her to go off to the Twins but she refuses because she wants to be with her dying father and does not want to have to pick Robb’s bride for him.  She also tells him she disapproves of his plan to fight Tywin.  Edmure’s all embarrassed to have s girl tell him what do.  Of course he is not swayed away from his bad ideas.

  She goes to visit Hoster.  Sadly, Hoster has dementia or something and thinks she is Lysa about to be married to Jon Arryn.  He speaks of some “wretched stripling” that Lysa wanted to be with, but Catelyn isn’t sure who that is.  In other depressing news, when she gets back to her bed chamber she finds that Ned’s bones have been delivered.  Sans ice.

 

Daenerys III

  Dany has been going about Qarth begging for ships and money and she keeps striking out.  IIRC this chapter has a lot of stuff of about the ins and outs of Quartheen society and politics.  It’s OK to read but I don’t feel the need to recap it because it isn’t all that important.  This might be a short one.  Basically, everything is fancy and the people are pale, cold and unempathetic.  Think of it as the ASOIAF version of one of those neighborhoods with a lot of huge McMansions and tacky cars.  The main thing to glean from this is that they have a guild of assassins called the Sorrowful Men who apologize before they kill you.  So you can’t fuck with any of the wealthy people in Qarth.  She hates being a beggar like Viserys but is grateful for the dragons.  And did I mention she’s wearing the fashionable dress of Qartheen ladies?  It’s a dress that lets one boob hang out.  I’d hate to see what one of those would like on me.

  Xaro has been nice housing Dany and her people but he won’t give her anything either.  Not unless she marries him.  He tries to claim he is into her, but he is obviously gay.  They stop to watch a firemage who is doing all sorts of neat fire tricks.  Quaithe creepily pops out of nowhere.  She tells Dany that this firemage used to have no fire game at all but all of a sudden he has power.  Quaithe claim it’s because of her and her waking of the dragons.  She also counsels Dany to get out of Qarth and go to Asshai instead.

  Later, back at Xaro’s manse Dany is talking to Jorah.  He has found out why Xaro wants to marry her.  The Qartheen have a wedding custom that allows each spouse to ask the other for one gift.  That gift can not be refused.  He’s trying to trick her into giving him a dragon.  She decides to leave town.  But first she will go to Pyat Pree and the warlocks

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Weese.  I won’t miss you, child beater.

Cumulative deaths: 51

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 13

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

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Ducksauce vs. Fedora Man: A battle for the ages

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters: Arya VI, Daenerys II, Bran IV

Booze in my flagon: Cabernet-sauvignon

 

Arya VI

  Arya is trapped in the storeroom for eight days with Genry, Hot Pie and the villagers.  The Mountain would pick a new prisoner each day to torture and question.  The main questioner/torturer is named the Tickler.  He’s good at his job.  The prisoners were always asked about whether there was gold and silver in the village and they were always asked about Beric Dondarrion, the guy Ned sent after the mountain who Sansa’s friend Jeyne Poole had a crush on.  I don’t know why the detail about Jeyne Poole was important to add.  It’s just cute and it reminds me of the hopeless crush I had on a student teacher when I was in high school.  Onto more gruesome and important things, nobody ever survives the questioning.

  The prisoners aren’t even allowed to speak.  A three year old boy and his mother were even killed because he wouldn’t stop crying.  It’s really, really horrible. Arya’s chapters in these books might be the darkest in the series.   Arya is becoming increasingly angry towards the Lannisters and one can hardly blame her.

  After the eight days in the storehouse, the remaining prisoners were forced to march to Harrenhal where Tywin Lannister and his gilded mutton chops await.  The march is depressing too.  Those too weak to keep up were killed and the women were routinely raped by the Mountain and his men.  Arya keeps looking longingly at Needle who is kept by Polliver.  She thinks that’s it’s a good thing she doesn’t have it because she’d have tried to use it against Gregor and gotten herself killed by now.  I should be disturbed by this, but to be honest, I’ve had similar thoughts whilst on an annoyingly crowded and noisy bus/airplane so…

  It’s at this point that dark Arya is creeping and she starts her pre bedtime death list prayer.  Dunsen, Polliver, Chyswyck, Raff the Sweetling, The Tickler and the Hound, Ser Amory, Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei.  I’m guessing they’re all dead before the end of the series, but GRRM loves to fuck with his readers so who knows?

  On to fun ooky horror stuff.  Arya recalls the stories Old Nan told her about Harrenhal.  It was built by one of Iron Born former rulers of the Riverlands, Harren the Black.  He supposedly mixed human blood in the mortar.  Soon after the giant monstrosity that is Harrenhal was built, Aegon came along and roasted Harren within the walls.  Oops.

  Sure enough, Harrenhal’s towers are all creepy and melty.  Think of the sand castles you make with wet goopy sand.  Hot Pie doesn’t want to go in because he’s heard it’s haunted.  Obviously he has no choice.  The prisoners are showered and inspected.  Arya gets assigned to serve as a butter churner because she has callouses on her hands from “Needle work.”  She tells the overseers that her name is Weasel.  Arya says she’d rather tend horses.  For impudence she is instead assigned to assigned to some fugly psycho named Weese.  Thus ends a chapter too bleak to properly snark.

 

Daenerys II

  Daenerys and her party approach the walls of Qarth.  A column of camels and riders are sent to escort them to the gates.  They’re all garish and fancy.  A warlock named Pyat Pree rides alongside Dany and boasts about Qarth being the “greatest city that ever was or ever will be.”  Such arrogance.  I think Qarth people are to the ASOIAF fire universe what New Yorkers are to our universe.  You know how they think they’re really important and are the only city with culture but no one else gives two shits about them?  The Qartheen seem to be the same way.

  The city also proves to be rather loud and garish, at least for my taste.  There’s lots of colors and ornate fountains and architecture.  Everyone is tall and pale and the women wear silk gowns that expose one boob.  Um, why?  I hope that trend never takes off here in real world.  Some of us need bras!

  A merchant prince named Xaro Xhoan Daxos (henceforth he will be called ducksauce) and starts having a passive aggressive argument with Pyat Pree about who should host Dany and her khalasar.  She has soured on the concept of sorcery since her experience with Mirri Maz Duur so she chooses Ducksauce.  He tells her not to trust the warlocks because they are ludicrous liars.

  Of course, Jorah the fedora’d wonder takes issue with Dany having a new manfriend.  He doesn’t want her to trust Ducksauce either.  Dany is more pragmatic and realizes she needs to suck up to rich people.  She’d make a good senator.

Ser Fedorah

I have a feeling I’ll be using this picture often.  Thanks Nice Guys of Westeros tumblr!

  Ducksauce’s estate is staggeringly vast.  Dany gets her own huge section of it.  Before the Qartheen party departs, a mysterious shadowbinder in a red lacquer mask (da fuck?) named Quaithe tells her to beware of everyone and everything in Qarth.  She insinuates that they only like her for her dragons and that’s the only reason she gets to be the new popular kid.

  Dany sends out some of her men to scope out the city.  Jorah brings back a ship captain from the summer islands named Quhuru Mo.  Another fucking Q name?  Geez.  Mo brings Dany some great news.  Robert Baratheon is dead.  But you already knew that.  Jorah is cautious, but Dany is given a new sense of hope and purpose.

 

Bran IV

  Bran has become friends with Meera and Jojen Reed.  Meera and Summer are play fighting.  He knocks her over, but she is awesome with a net and managed to ensnare Summer.  Bran asks if a master-at-arms taught her to fight with a net.  She says no.  Her father, Ned’s friend Howland taught her.  The Crannogmen hardly have a typical home.  Meera says their home, Greywater Watch moves around. So, it’s Howland’s moving castle?  It means no one, even ravens can find it.  Bran asks if he would be welcome there and Meera says yes.  Bran thinks he will ask Rodrick about it.  Rodrick is not home right now.  He’s sorting out some trouble.  Lord Roose Bolton’s bastard son kidnapped the recently widowed Lady Hornwood and forcibly married her so he might get her lands.  This has pissed off all the other Northern lords who also want to marry her and take her land.  Lord Wyman Manderly took her castle to “protect” it.  It’s a whole big thing, but I’m sure it will have no further bearing on the story :/

  Jojen, in his creepy solemn way tells Bran that he needs to peace out of Winterfell ASAP.  Jojen has prophetic dreams.  The Reeds call the greendreams.  The crow from Bran’s dream also appears to Jojen and it’s telling him they need to go north.  He says Bran needs to open his third eye so he can see beyond the physical plane or whatever.  Bran is in denial for now.  I guess that means he’s third eye blind?

  The more Jojen presses Bran to tell him of his dreams, the crankier Bran gets.  He tells Bran that he and Summer are a part of each other.  That’s why Summer is getting pissy too.  He’s being all Cujotastic and menacing the Reeds.  His rage brings Shaggydog over too.  Shit is getting serious.  The Reeds climb up a tree.  Bran calls Hodor over and Hodor calms the wolves down by chasing them and Hodoring.

  Bran has Hodor bring him to the Maester’s tower to visit Luwin.  He asks Luwin about the Children of the Forest, who supposedly had the greensight.  Just like Jojen and apparently, Bran.  He wants to know where the magic came from.  Luwin doesn’t know and he claims that all the magic is gone from the world.  He does know that the Children could supposedly see through the eyes of Weirwood trees and that’s why the First Men cut them down.  Meera later tells Bran that Luwin is full of shit and magic still exists.  Jojen had a recent dream that Bran was given delicious meat while the Walders were given gross rotten meat, but the Walders liked their meal more.  She said he’ll understand the dream later.  When the dinner that night is uneventful, Bran is able to keep in denial about his burgeoning creepy kid powers.  For now anyway.

 

Deaths in this recap:  0.  That’s 9 chapters in a row with no deaths! George, I am disappoint.

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 20. 

Cumulative incests: 26

 

Top of the fedora to you

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon I, Daenerys I, Jon II

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Theon I

  Theon is sailing home to Pyke on the Iron Islands.  Pyke is all cold and grim and yucky.  Theon has been passing the journey to Pyke by having sex with the captain’s daughter.  He keeps telling her about crappy the Iron Islands are, but she wants to go with him anyway.  I don’t know why.  Theon is lamenting the old ways before Aegon’s conquest changed everything.  The Iron Born apparently used to be fearsome pirates who had slave labor to do their bidding.  Now they’re just an out of the redneck part of Westeros.  Boo hoo,  Theon doesn’t want the captain’s daughter who doesn’t even get a name to come with him.  He does however, tell her that she might have a king’s bastard in her.

  A king?  What?

  Once Theon gets to Pyke, he is aggrieved to find that nobody at port recognizes him or cares that he has arrived.  He is about to hire a horse and a guide to take him to Pyke.  He’s interrupted by a dirty hippie looking priest.  It’s his uncle Aeron Damphair.  Aeron wants to know if Theon is now a worshipper of the old gods that the Stark’s keep.  That’s not good enough for Aeron who rebaptizes him for the Drowned God by pouring sea water on him and having him incant “what is dead may never die.”  Theon wants to know why his father Balon is preparing for war, but much to his chagrin Aeron is keeping mum.  Then it gets even worse.  Aeron suggests that Theon might be replaced as Balon’s heir with his sister Asha.  The Iron Island’s are even more macho and misogynistic than the rest of Westeros so this news is particularly unwelcome.  The fact that Theon has been at Winterfell for a decade has made everyone suspicious that Theon has become a wussy Stark Greenlander.

  They get to the great keep where Aeron leaves him.  Theon finds that his father is waiting at the Sea Tower instead of there to greet him.  First he is escorted to his chambers which are cold, damp and gross. Theon dresses up in his fanciest outfit to impress daddy.  Sadly, it fails to impress.  Balon is cold and mean.  He dislikes Theon’s gold chain necklace because it was bought (acquired by the gold price) rather than stolen off of a slain enemy(the iron price).  Yes,  His father is disappointed to not raise a thieving thug.  So unhealthy.  I’d say they should go on Dr. Phil, but I think he’s a sexual harasser so they’d probably just egg each other on.

  Balon is also pissed off that Theon has become friends with Robb and is carrying messages from him.  Balon doesn’t want to be given a crown.  He wants to take it.  He wants to it by taking over the north.  Dum, dum, duh!

 

Daenerys I

  Dany decides to steer her party in the direction the comet is going.  It’s the safest way to go into a desert area called the Red Waste.  It’s about the only place she won’t be set upon by a khalasar.  The desert is a horrible place to march.  First horses start dying and then people do.  Everybody is starving and thirsty.  Dany fears her dragons will starve because they won’t eat, but eventually she figures out that they like cooked meat.

  Dany names her dragons.  The green on Rhaegal for her brother.  The cream on Viserion for her other, more psychotic brother.  The black one Drogon for her husband.

  Our first named fatality happens when Doreah gets sick and dies.  For any readers who only watch the show and haven’t read the books, this is probably the first big deviation the show takes by keeping her alive.

  Finally they find a deserted city.  They find a bunch of figs there.  It doesn’t seem like much, but to them it’s pretty much a feast.  After that they find more fruit and a well of clean water,

  While they are resting, Jorah dons his fedora and establishes his Nice Guy street cred by telling Dany the tale of his wife.  Her name is Lynesse of house Hightower.  The Hightowers are one of the wealthiest families.  Jorah won her over by winning a tourney, she agreed to marry him.  Lynnesse was disappointed to learn that the Mormonts live on a desolate island and don’t possess a lot of wealth.  She was dissatisfied and that is how Jorah came to sell slaves.  He wanted to keep her in nice clothes and jewelry.  After Jorah was exiled, she left him for another man who had lots of money.  After telling Dany this story, he reveals that she looks like Lynesse.  Now we know why he so into following her.  Blech.   Dany realizes that Jorah is warm for her form.  She’s not attracted to him though.

  The next day Dany sends her bloodriders out to look for an inhabited city.  Aggo and Rakharo found nothing.  Jhogo returned from a city called Qarth.  He brought with three creepy ass citizens.  Pyat Pree, Quaithe and Xaro Xhoan Daxos.  More on them later.

 

Jon II

  The Night’s Watch gets to a wildling village called Whitetree.  It houses a gigantic weirwood tree.  The village is deserted like every other wildling settlement.  Not only are the people gone, the game are gone as well.  That’s super spooky.  Everyone knows that when animals are scare, humans should be scared too.  Apparently the NW don’t know the rules of horror movies though.  LC Mormont vows to find out whatever is going on.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor Doreah.

Cumulative deaths: 38

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

 

 

Fire! Fire! Heh, heh, cool

Book I am reading: AGOT the conclusion!

Chapters: Jon X, Catelyn XI, Daenerys X

Booze in my flagon:  Vodka and diet Sunkist (better than it sounds)

 

Jon X

  Jon decides to run away from home.  Sam is begging him not to go because he’s worried that he’ll end up like Mark Paul Gosselar in that 1990’s TV movie about teen runaways.  Or get beheaded by the NW.  But Jon is determined to go join Robb and avenge Ned.  Jon gets pretty far, past Mole’s town where the underground brothel is.  Eventually though he realizes Ghost is no longer keeping up with his horse.  He calls for Ghost and waits a half hour for him to return.

  After awhile, Jon hears the sounds of horses coming from the north.  It’s Grenn, Pyp, Toad, and Halder.  Jon tries to hide but Ghost bounds up to them and gives him away.  Jon refuses to go back with them, but they surround him and chant the NW vow at him.  He surrenders and makes plans to leave at some other time.

  The next morning, LC Mormont lets Jon know he knows about the desertation attempt.  Aemon apparently got super perception powers to compensate for his blindness and warned Mormont he would try it.  Maybe not super perception.  Maybe it’s just that emo guys think they’re far more mysterious than they really are.  Mormont has also worked out that Jon wants to run away at some other time.  He points out that Jon is being really self centered.  He isn’t that amazing of a warrior and Mormont’s own sister Maege is probably marching off to war with Robb. 

  Finally, Mormont points out that the war against Mance Rayder and his wilding army and the Others is more important.  Jon and Ghost are needed to go on a hug ranging beyond the Wall to look for Benjen and all the missing rangers.  Jon decides to get his shit together and he promises not to run off again.

 

Catelyn XI

  Catelyn, Robb, et al have reached Riverrun.  Cat’s younger brother Edmure and a Tully bannerman who helped capture Jaime named Tytos Blackwood are there to greet them.  Cat is told that her father Hoster is bedridden and dying.  She is pissed that nobody told her what was going on, but Hoster wanted it kept secret that he was ill so the Tullys didn’t look too weak.

  Cat and Edmure go to visit Hoster in his bedchamber.  He looks very frail and ill.  She tells him that they freed Riverrun and captured Jaime.  He wants to see Robb for the first time since he was a baby, but he’s less thrilled about seeing Blackfish.  Blackfish still refuses to marry and there is tension between the two.  Oh, Hoster.  Blackfish doesn’t want a wife.  He was born this way.  You can’t change it.  First though, he wants to nap.

  Cat goes down to the godswood where Robb is brooding.  Just like daddy used to.  He’s praying with the other lords (and Maege Mormont) who keep the old gods.  When Robb is done he shares with her the new that Renly has made a claim for the IT.

  Later, they convene a war council.  They argue over whether to support Stannis, Renly or to kill Joffrey and let Tommen, who isn’t evil succeed him.  Catelyn wants to offer peace terms.  However, all the dudebros would rather have vengeance.  They declare that they will never call a Lannister their king.  Greatjon Umber stands up and bellows that he will only bow to one king.  Robb.  The King in the North.  He wants the north to be independent again.  The other lords agree.  They chant “the King in the North!”

  And don’t you forget it!

 

Daenerys X

  Dany is having a pyre built.  She intends to burn Mirri Maz Duur.  Mirri calls her an ignorant ho for trying to mess with bloodmagic.  She isn’t trying to hear that and she has Jhogo whip her.  Dany’s future bloodriders are piling all of Drogo’s possessions on the pyre.

  Jorah is also trying to stop her.  Dany only cares that he had the gall to call her princess.  Now that Viserys is dead, she’s his motherfucking queen!  She tells him not to worry about her burning.  She knows what she’s doing.

  Dany gathers all the people that are left.  She tells the slaves that they are free to leave or to follow her.  She tries to get Jhogo, Aggo and Rakharo to become bloodriders but they don’t want a girl for a boss.  She names Jorah her queensguard and he gives her an oath of fealty.

  To get ready for the funeral pyre Dany takes a scalding bath.  I don’t know why because the fire is going to burn off anything germy on her body anyway.  Her handmaidens dress her.  Once again she has crotch perfume dabbed on her.  Again I ask, is this an actual thing or does GRRM have some sort of fetish for scented labia?  Anyways, she takes it upon herself to dress Drogo up and braid his hair.

  Finally it is time.  Drogo is carried to the pyre.  Dany also puts the dragons eggs on the pyre.  Jorah is against it of course.  Dany doesn’t care, of course.  Lastly, Mirri is put on the pyre and covered in oil.  Mirri says she will not scream.

  As they are about to light the pyre, Jhogo spots a red comet in the sky.  Dany interprets it at as a strong sign.  They light the fire.  Mirri sings and then starts to scream.  It reaches Drogo and then the pyre gets so hot everyone else is driven back.  Dany however “stands her ground.”  Like George Zimmerman?

  Dany is overtaken with the urge to step into the fire.  Her clothes are burning, but she somehow isn’t.  She stays in the fire until it dies off.  She isn’t burned at all.  Her dragon eggs have hatched.  There is a cream/gold dragon and a green/bronze dragon at each breast and a black/red one around her shoulders.

  Everybody is freaking out, but in a good way.  Everyone who stuck around is now a loyal follower of the mother of dragons.

Beavis would certainly follow her!

A Game of Thrones ends with the sound of dragons crying for the first time in hundreds of years.

 

At last!  This book took awhile to recap and I’m pretty sure it’s the shortest one.  I look forward to starting A Clash of Kings in a few days, or maybe tomorrow if I feel like drinking and blogging while I’m home sick with a cold.  It only gets crazier from here.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Mirri Maz Durr.

Cumulative deaths: 35.  35 characters died in a single book.  Wow!  This is probably the tames of the 5 so I can only imagine how big this number will get.

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1. Jon nearly violates his oath

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Get out of my dreams and into my crypt

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Bran VII, Sansa VI, Daenerys IX, Tyrion IX

Booze in my flagon: Vodka with sparkling water

 

Bran VII

  Bran is watching Rodrick, who has returned to Winterfell train boys in sword fighting.  No.  That’s not what it sounds like.  All the men have marched off with Robb so the young guys need to be trained to guard Winterfell.

  Bran is telling Maester Luwin about the dream he had last night.  The Three Eyed Crow told Bran to go down in the crypts with him.  Ned was there and he was sad but he doesn’t remember what they talked about.  Something to do with Jon.  When he woke up, he tried to get Hodor to take him down there, but Hodor wouldn’t go.  He wants Luwin to take him down to the crypts, but he thinks Bran is being silly and Ned won’t be dead for years.  Oh, Luwin.

  Osha pops up and offers to take him to the crypts.  Summer follows and Luwin goes with them after all.  There’s a cold and spooky feeling in the air.  Bran thinks he hears something and Luwin, of course thinks it’s his imagination.  Then Bran has been proven right.  Something jumps out at them.  It’s Shaggydog.  Rickon’s wolf.  SD is acting like Cujo and bites Luwin so Summer starts fighting him.  It doesn’t stop until Rickon emerges from the shadows and calls SD off.

  Rickon, in a remarkable vocabulary feat for a four year old explains that he dreamed about Ned, who told him he’s coming home.  Luwin looks a little uncertain of his previous skepticism.  They go to Luwin’s tower to dress his wounds.  Luwin is still trying to rationalize the boys psychic dreams away.  Osha is more open minded.

  They wind up talking about the Children of the Forest.  They were the creatures that lived in Westeros before the First Men came.  The COTF and the First Men went to war when the FM came over from Essos.  Eventually they made a truce and became friends.  The First Men eventually took up the Children’s gods.  The Old Gods that they still worship today.  Luwin believes the COTF are all dead, killed when the Andals (southerners) invaded.  Osha says they still live beyond the Wall.

  All of a sudden Summer and Shaggydog start howling.  Maybe they want snausages?  Probably not.  Bran has a feeling that something is very wrong.  Rickon starts crying.  Just then a raven arrives with the news of Ned’s death.

 

Sansa VI

  Sansa has been staying in bed crying and sleeping.  She considers suicide by jumping out the window.  She doesn’t do it.  Probably for the best.  She might have ended up like Bran.  Eventually Joffrey makes her get up and join him at court.  Finally, finally Sansa hates him as much as everybody else.  He claims it was mercy to kill him cleanly and she still has to marry him.  She tells Joffrey that she hates him and he has Kingsguard member Meryn Trant hit her.  Classy.

  At court, Joffrey makes all his rulings in the fashion of Kim Jong family members.  Or insert whatever dictator you don’t like in the previous sentence.  After court Joffrey makes Sansa take a walk with him.  He calls her stupid and says Cersei thinks she’s stupid too.  Now Sansa knows Cersei was just being phony to her all along. 

  Joffrey makes her go up to the battlements to looks at the severed heads on spikes of her father and the rest of the Stark household.  He also has empty spikes for Stannis and Renly.  He tells her that he’ll kill Robb and give her his head.  Sansa says that maybe Robb will give her his head.

Ooh Burn

  I will continue to post teen movie gifs as a way to deal with the sad and angry feelings these books give me.

Joffrey has Meryn hit her again.  She contemplates throwing herself and Joffrey off the wall, but the Hound stops her.

 

Daenerys IX

  Dany is having crazy fever dreams.  I don’t feel like describing them.  Suffice to say there is a major dragon theme.  She finally wakes up and is very dizzy and weak.  She drifts in and out of sleep.  Mizzi keeps feeding her some sort of roofied wine.  At one point she requests her dragon eggs come over for a cuddle.

  At last she wakes up for realsies and learns that Rhaego is dead and Drogo is still alive.  Nobody seems very happy about that though. Also, the baby looked like a hideous monster.  Mizzi seems kind of gleeful about that.  Dany decides to go see Drogo.  Outside of the tent there are only about a hundred people.  It turns out that a lot of Dothraki took this opportunity to make themselves Khals and everyone else followed them and left.

  Drogo is basically comatose.  It seems that Mizzi cheated her.  She admits that it was revenge for what Drogo and his khalasar did to her people.  She has Mirri carried off.  Later, just before dawn she suffocates Drogo with a pillow.

 

Tyrion IX

  Tywin is despondent because Robb has captured Jaime.  Tyrion and Tywin’s bannermen argue over what to do next.  Finally, Tywin kicks everyone but Tyrion and Kevan out.  Tywin informs them that Renly has married Margaery Tyrell and has all of the Reach on his side.  They decide that the most immediate priority is to take out the Starks before Stannis or Renly can do anything.  Tywin declares they will go to Harrenhal.

  Tyrion however, will not be going with them.  Tywin is sending him to King’s Landing to go to court and act as acting Hand of the King.  He forbids Tyrion from bringing Shae to court.

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Drogo.

Cumulative deaths: 34

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Mirri Maz Durr pretended to be on Dany’s side and wasn’t. 

Cumulative betrayals: 9

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Ned’s Head Edition

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Daenerys VII, Tyrion VIII, Catelyn X, Daenerys VIII, Arya V

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Daenerys VII

  Drogo’s khalasar has raided and defeated the Lhazareen, or as the Dothraki call them the Lamb People.  The Lamb People eat a vegetarian diet.  This apparently means they are wusses.  Drogo also kicked the ass of Khal Ogo’s khalasar.  Ogo had already been raiding the Lamb People when Drogo’s Khalasar came upon them.  Drogo didn’t come to much harm.  He only has a few cuts.  Phew!  Now nothing can go wrong.

  Dany sees a young woman being gang raped.  It’s upsetting because she missed the memo that raping usually accompanies pillaging.  She forces herself to look away and ride on.  Jorah tells Dany that he recommended selling the 10,000 captives from this raid to Meereen for slavery.  This is also upsetting for Dany, but she figures it is the price of Iron Throne.  Yikes.

  The girl who is being raped is still making a bunch of heartrending cries and harshing everyone’s war buzz.  Finally, Dany can take no more and decides to command that the Dothraki cut it out.  All the Dothraki are confused by this command because Lamb People are nothing important, but she stands firm.  Jorah compares her favorably to her brother Rhaegar.

  Can I just mention how much this chapter is pissing off the spell check?  This entire post has been red squiggles.

  All of the mess described above was before they even entered the town.  Inside the town it is worse.  Headless corpses are everywhere and lots of other women are being raped.  Dany has all the women rescued.

  When she meets up with Drogo, it turns out the small scratch is a missing nipple.  Ouch!  The khalasar members are complaining to Drogo that she took their spoils.  Drogo doesn’t understand why she stopped the rapings.  He does end up backing her, but thinks she’s fierce because his son is in her belly.  Shut up Drogo.

  Dany is concerned about Drogo’s wound.  One of the women she rescued volunteers to help.  Her name is Mirri Maz Durr and she is a godswife, which is some kind of maegi.  She learned magical arts from many people.  One of them was a Westrosi maester named Marwyn who was in Asshai while she was there.  She removes the arrow from his boob and puts a poultice on the wound.

 

Tyrion VIII

  Tyrion is having a tense dinner with Tywin.  The Lannister host and the Stark host are now about a days march from each other.  Kevan and Tywin want to put Tyrion’s hill folk in the vanguard when they meet in battle.  Tyrion has the awkward realization that Tywin just wants to get rid of them all.

  Tyrion tells them about how the different hill clans have been fighting amongst themselves.  Tywin extra bitchily says that the fault lies with the commander when the army is undisciplined.  Then he smugly informs Tyrion that he will command, but serve under Gregor.

  Tyrion stalks off and returns to camp.  Bronn has secured a whore for him.  Her name is Shae.  He tells her he wants the girlfriend experience and will give lots of money if she stays with him and doesn’t have any other clients.  She calls him “my giant of Lannister” without a trace of (detectable) irony and of course he loves that.

  The next morning he wakes up early to a war going on outside.  The Starks snuck up in the night.  He rushes out and falls in with his hill folk.  There’s a bunch of heraldry porn I’m not about to go into here.

  There’s lots of Stark armies, but Tyrion doesn’t see Robb anywhere.  The fighting begins and Tyrion manages to fight by being all sneaky and small.  The Lannisters had the bigger army and they win.  Tyrion and Bronn survived.  Ulf and Conn of the hill folk died, but Shagga, Chella and Timett survived.  Tywin’s bannerman Addam Marbrand arrives with news.  They captured Lord Cerwyn, Wylis Manderly and Harrion Karstark.  Lord Hornwood has died.  They captured four Frey’s and Roose Bolton escaped.  Robb Stark on the other hand is heading for Riverrun.

 

Catelyn X

  Catelyn is waiting in the Whispering Wood with her guard Hallis Mollen and thirty swords.  They’re to escape to Winterfell if the fighting goes against them.  Robb and the majority of his army are sneaking up on Jaime and his forces.  The other army sent against Tywin was a diversion.  They hear the battle, but don’t see it.

  Robb wins.  Jaime has been captured.  Theon wants him to execute Jaime.  He’s a dumbass.  Robb knows he is more valuable as a hostage.  He’s led away to be chained in irons.  Robb tells Cat that both of Lord Rickard Karstark’s sons Torrhen and Eddard died in the battle.  So did Daryn Hornwood.  This means both male Hornwoods are dead and the house is left without an heir,  Robb feels guilty about these deaths and Cat councils him to honor them and move on because shit still needs to get done.  Why do people say she’s too emotional again?

 

Daenerys VIII

  It’s hot as hell out.  Flies are circling all around Drogo.  He usually Hulk smashes them, but today he isn’t reacting.  It seems his wound got infected and he’s suffering from sepsis.  Six days earlier he had stupidly torn of Mirri’s healing poultice because it was itchy.  Finally he falls off his horse.  She insists that they make camp where Drogo fell and has Qotho fetch Mirri for her.

  While they’re waiting, Jorah informs Dany that they should flee right now.  Drogo is about to die and the Dothraki don’t care about inheritance.  Once Drogo dies, the strongest man will become the leader.  Yay meritocracy?  Jorah says they will kill Rhaego as soon as he is born so the prophecy won’t come true and threaten them.  Dany refuses to abandoned her man.

  Mirri comes into the tent and notices that Drogo’s wound has festered.  Well duh.  Qotho and Haggo start to beat her up because that’s how pleasant and reasonable chaps resolve problems.  Dany stops them and they leave.  Jorah very insightfully guesses they might pose a threat to Dany.

  Mirri says Drogo’s illness is now beyond her healing powers.  Another poultice isn’t cutting it.  The only way is a dark magic spell Mirri learned from a shadowmage in Asshai.  There is a price and only death can pay for life.  Dany asks if that means her death and Mirri says no.  Dany consents to this black magic spell without asking whose life must be sacrificed.  There’s no way that will bite her in the ass.

  Drogo’s bloodrider Jhogo is super nervous and wants to kill Mirri because black magic is forbidden.  Dany won’t hear it and she has Drogo’s horse brought in to be bled for Mirri’s spell.  Mirri orders everybody else, including Dany out of the tent.  From outside, she can hear Mirri wailing creepily and they can all see shapes dancing with her.

  Qotho decides to kill Mirri and then Dany.  Jorah fights him.  While this is going on Dany starts getting awful cramps.  Jorah kills Qotho, Aggo kills Cohollo and Rakharo kills Haggo.  She passes out in Jorah’s arms as he carries her to the tent to be treated by Mirri.

 

Arya V

  Arya is living in the streets of King’s Landing and is reduced to catching a pigeon with her hands.  She tries to trade the pigeon for a tart, but the vendor tells her to piss right off.  Arya has been wanting to leave the city but all the gates are under guard so she has to live as a street urchin in Flea Bottom the slum of King’s Landing.  All her valuables got stolen right away so she’s impoverished.  It’s sort of like a TV movie about teen runaways.  Like that amazing 90’s movie starring Mark Paul Gosselar (Zach Morris!).  But I digress…

  The bells start to ring.  Just like they did when Robert died.  People tell her that Ned is being taken to the sept of Baelor.  Ned is up at the sept with Joffrey, Cersei, the Hound, Varys, and Sansa.

  Ned confesses to treason and Arya is super upset.  Everyone in the crowd is taunting and booing.  The crowd starts pelting him with stones for no good reason other than that people are assholes.  The high septon makes some boring speech about mercy.

  Joffrey talks about how Queen Regent Cersei and Sansa want to let Ned take the black.  But they have the “soft hearts of women” according to Joffrey and he wants to be manly and so he asks Ilyn Payne to bring him Ned’s head.  Varys and Cersei try to stop it, but Joffrey doesn’t listen.

  At this point Arya is trying to run through the crowd and get to Ned.  She can hear Sansa screaming, but can’t cut through all the hordes of people.  She notices that Ilyn has Ice.   Suddenly an older man grabs her out of the crowd, restrains her and keeps her from looking.  She remembers that it’s Yoren.  She doesn’t see Ned’s beheading.

  Sorry.  I couldn’t make that chapter funny.

Sad in the Rain (Doctor Who)

 

Deaths in this recap:  10.  Ulf, Conn, Lord Hornwood, Torrhen and Eddard Karstark, Daryn Hornwood, Qotho, Haggo, Cohollo and of course our first major death of the series, Eddard Stark.

Cumulative deaths: 33

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 2.  Since it’s pretty clear Tywin sent his son Tyrion to die, I’m calling that a betrayaled was told his life would be spared if he confessed.  Joffrey went back on it. 

Cumulative betrayals: 8

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Sweet Jeyne is approximately screwed

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Sansa IV, Jon VIII, Bran VI, Daenerys VI, Catelyn VIII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Sansa IV

  Sansa has been trapped in her bedroom with Jeyne for three days.  Sansa has heard, but not seen all the carnage below.  That was on the first day.  On the second day they hear the bells clanging and Sansa figures this means Robert died.  On the third day, they bring her to have a little chat with Cersei.

  In Maegor’s holdfast Cersei is waiting with Littlefinger, Pycelle and Varys.  That can only be a good thing.  Cersei is working Sansa and being nice to her.  She hopes that Sansa has been treated nicely.  Sansa mentions that Jeyne is with her in the tower.  Uh, oh.  Lf offers to take her somewhere and keep her.  Boros Blount, the Kingsguard is sent to escort her away.  Poor Jeyne.  We won’t be hearing from her again any time soon.  Cersei tells Sansa that she is sending Jeyne away because Jeyne is clearly too upsetting for Sansa.  Cersei’s pretty good at manipulating people.  Well, naïve kids anyway.  And Ned.

  Cersei continues buttering up Sansa by telling her that she and Joffrey love her soooo much.  This pleases Sansa.  Then Cersei hits her with the news that Ned has been charged with treason.  Cersei passive aggressively wonders how she can allow a traitor’s daughter to marry her son.  Sansa protests that she loves Joffrey.  Cersei knows this.  Why else would Sansa have come to her if not for love?

  Now we travel back in time three days and learn how Sansa came to be escorted into the tower in the first place.  Sansa was still upset that she was being sent back to Winterfell and not staying to marry Joffrey.  She didn’t quite grasp why, so she went to Cersei to ask her to intervene.  Facepalm.  This is what alerted Cersei that she had to move quickly to capture and kill everyone in Ned’s household.  This is one of the most controversial parts of the series.  I’m going to just gloss over it a little.  Sansa made a mistake, she didn’t know what was happening, there was no malice.  That is all.

    Back to the present.  They all manipulate Sansa into proclaiming her loyalty to Joffrey.  They have her write out a letter to Robb proclaiming that Ned is a traitor and he needs to go to King’s Landing to declare fealty to Joffrey.  In exchange for writing the letters she thinks she gets to marry Joffrey and keep her family safe. 

 

Jon VIII

  Jon, Sam and everyone learn that the corpses ghost found belonged to Othor and Jafer Flowers.  Men that had gone with Benjen on his ranging.  Not a good sign for old Benji.  The creepy atmosphere is still abounding even though it’s warm out and not white walker weather at all.

  Sam is afraid to look at the corpses, but Jon tells him to stop being such a wimp and do his job as Aemon’s eyes.  Meanwhile LC Mormont is scolding the ranger Ser Jaremy Rykker for letting two men get slaughtered so close to the Wall without anyone noticing.  They speculate it was Mance Rayder and that Benjen is slain as well.  They put the time of death as a day ago.

  Sam however, begs to differ.  He has noticed that the stump of his wrist where ghost tore the hand off hasn’t bled.  This means the corpses are old.  It’s mysterious (and gross) though, because they don’t smell of rot, they don’t have maggots and no animals have eaten at them.  Chett, who has been reassigned to the kennels is ordered to bring the dogs closer.  The dogs won’t go anywhere near the corpses.

  Creepier and creepier.  They notice there isn’t blood everywhere, so they must have been killed somewhere else.  They also notice that they have blue eyes.  They didn’t when they were alive.  Some of the rangers want the corpses burned.  Mormont wants them investigated and orders them brought back to the Wall.  The horses won’t accept the corpses on their backs.  OK NW,  If the dogs and the horses won’t get anywhere these corpses, maybe it’s a bad sign.  Right?  No?  They fashion slings from branches and drag the corpses back to the wall. 

  Later on, a raven arrives at the Wall with a message.  Everybody is looking at Jon funny.  Finally Pyp tells Jon that the king is dead.  Poor Jon thinks this means Ned will be returning to Winterfell and he can visit and find out who his mother is.  He goes to Mormont’s solar and Mormont asks him to pour glasses of wine for each of them.  They need to talk.  That’s bad enough to hear in real life.  In Westeros, that’s a really bad thing to hear.  You’ll see.

  Mormont breaks it to Jon that Ned is charged with treason.  Jon’s all upset about this and doesn’t think it could be true.  Mormont just hopes Ned will be sent to the Wall because they need someone of his caliber.  Real sensitive Old Bear.  He has a point.  But still, it’s a shitty thing to say.  Mormont tells Jon he hopes he isn’t going to do anything stupid and stresses that his old life is finished and his duty is at the Wall now.

  Later in the dining hall, Jon’ friends are expressing support for him.  However, he overhears Alliser Thorne making fun of him and calling him a traitor’s bastard.  Jon lunges to attack Alliser and everyone has to separate them.  “Hold me back, bro!”  Jon gets in trouble for this and is confined to his cell.

  Later that night Ghost wakes him up pawing at the door.  He’s snarling and the air is really cold.  Jon opens the door and finds his guard dead on the floor.  Ghost leads Jon up to Mormont’s chamber.  There is dead Othor.  Poised to attack.  He cuts off Othor’s hand and the hand moves by itself and grabs him.  Ew!  Othor tries to choke Jon by shoving his icy fingers down his throat.  Ghost pulls him off.  Mormont’s raven says “Burn, burn, burn!”  Jon takes the lamp and lights the curtains on fire and whipped them at Othor.

 

Bran VI

  Robb has called his banners and the different Lords and their people are streaming into Winterfell.  Maester Luwin tells Bran that Robb will be marching south soon.  This is upsetting for Bran but Luwin tells him Robb must greet Lord Karstark the latest and last arrival and won’t have time for him.  Awww.

  Bran has Hodor take him to the godswood.  Summer accompanies them.  He sends Hodor to soak at pools while Bran reflects by the heart tree.  Bran remembers a recent night when Lord Greatjon Umber threatened to leave if he wasn’t placed first in the marching order.  Robb told him to go home and after the war they’d come and get him and hang him as an oathbreaker.  Umber pitched a fit and Robb sicked Grey Wind on him.  Grey Wind bit off two of his fingers.  For some reason this act of manly macho bonding made them besties.  Later that night, Robb came to Bran’s room to confess how scared he’d been.

  Back in the present, Osha, who is wearing chains on her ankles interrupts Bran’s prayers just as the leaves are spookily rustling.  Osha tells him the rustling is the Old Gods answering him.  She tells him that Robb shouldn’t be marching south.  The Old Gods can’t watch him there because the weirwood trees are cut down in the south. 

  Hodor interrupts them.  He’s naked and swinging his big schlong around.  Osha remarks that he must be giant.  Bran says that Maester Luwin told him that giants were extinct.  Osha begs to differ.  She tells him that there are not only giants beyond the Wall, but Others and wights.  She advises Bran to tell Robb he’s marching the wrong way.  Later on, Luwin tells Bran all her stories are bullshit.  OK Lu.

  Two days later, Robb and his host march south.

 

Daenerys VI

  Dany is trying, unsuccessfully to persuade Khal Drogo to cross the Narrow Sea and invade Westeros.  Drogo doesn’t quite get it.  He doesn’t understand the need for an “iron chair” and thinks the sea is poisoned and evil because horses can’t drink it.  The Dothraki are really afraid of the sea and travelling it.  Jorah later councils Dany to be patient and they decide to go gal pal it up and shop at the western market.  This is why you’re in the dreaded friendzone Jorah!  I kid, I kid.

  Once they get there, Jorah leaves Dany and the rest of the group to seek out the captain and see if any letters have arrived for them.  They come upon a wine merchant.  When Doreah tells the merchant he is addressing Daenerys, he offers her a special wine from the Arbor where the best wine comes from.  He gives her a cask, when Jorah appears out of nowhere and tells her not to take it.

  He commands the wine merchant to open the cask.  The merchant hedges, but Jorah threatens him into pouring some.  Jorah tries to get the wineseller to taste it.  Instead of complying, he runs off.  Jhogo catches the wine merchant by the leg with his whip and the Dothraki take him to meet the Khal.  Jorah says he knew the wine was poisoned because of a letter from Ilyrio.  he leaves it at that.

  Dany is super pissed. She thinks that the Usurper has awoken the dragon and he will be sorry.  Ha ha Dany.  He’s already dead!  She has Jorah light a fire and puts her dragon eggs in.  The fire doesn’t harm the eggs at all.

  Later Drogo comes home from his hunt with the pelt of a white lion for Dany.  He is so enrage when he learns of the assassination that he decides he will win the “iron chair” for Rhaego after all.  The next day, the Khalasar starts west.  They chained the wineseller to Dany’s saddle and leave him to run naked after it until he can’t keep up anymore and gets dragged to his death.  Yay happy ending!

 

Catelyn VIII

  Cat and Blackfish ride to Moat Cailin escorted by Robb’s bannermen Lord Wyman Manderly’s sons Wlyis and Wendel.  Both of the Manderly brothers are morbidly obese, although Wyman is even bigger and can’t even ride a horse.  Robb has temporarily set up camp in Moat Cailin.  An abandoned fort in the neck, separating the north and south.  It’s the old broke down stronghold of the First Men.  It’s also a little bit creepy and said to be haunted by ghosts of northerners who long for southron blood.  It’s also impenetrable from the south because it’s surrounded by bogs.

  Inside, Robb is sitting with his advisors.  Greatjon Umber and Roose Bolton who is intimidating, speaks in whispers and has icy creepy eyes.  Not suspicious at all.  Robb inquires about Ser Rodrick Cassel and she informs him she’s sent him back to Winterfell to act as Castellan.  She also has to break the news to the northern lords that her crazy ass sister let Tyrion go.

  Catelyn asks everyone to leave so she and Robb can dine alone.  She can’t quite believe her kid is leading men to war.  In a moment I find incredibly cute and sweet Robb asks her if she’s going to send him back to Winterfell.  Cat wants to, but knows she can’t because if he gets sent home by mommy none of the bannermen will take him seriously ever again.

  They talk battle strategy for a bit.  Sorry, this stuff is boring to me.  Read it yourself if you want the details.  Afterwards Robb is about to send her with an escort back to Winterfell.  She tells him, no she is going with them to visit Riverrun.

 

Deaths in this recap: 1  The wine merchant.  Not named, but he’s important enough to be included.

Cumulative deaths: 23

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0  There’s an implied betrayal here, but I’m waiting until it’s confirmed.  No I’m not putting Sansa in here.

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

I’ve Made a Huge Mistake Part Two.

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Daenerys VI, Eddard XIII, Jon VII, Eddard XIV, Arya IV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Please scroll down and read part one along with an explanation for all this fuckery before you start part two please.

 

Eddard XII part II

  Robert, now on his death bed expresses regret for his plot to kill Dany.  He wants Ned to write out something.  A last will.  He appoints Ned the King Regent until Joffrey comes of age.  Ned wants to tell Robert Joffrey isn’t his son.  He wusses out though and changes the language to heir.  Ned naively thinks that at the prospect of Robert dying, Cersei will take her kids and run away.

  Outside the bedchamber, Ned is talking to Barristan Selmy of the Kingsguard who had accompanied Robert on the hunt.  He feels guilty and reveals that Robert was hunting drunk.  What a surprise!  Varys sidles up and inquires about who gave the king the wine.  Turns out it was his squire Lancel, Cersei’s cousin.  Hmm…

  As Ned leaves, Renly walks with him.  He offers Ned a bunch of men to seize Cersei and her kids before Robert dies.  Ned refuses because he’s all honorable and shit.

  Once Ned gets back to the tower of the hand, he sends for Littlefinger and also has a letter sent to Dragonstone to Stannis Baratheon.  Robert’s brother and AWOL small council member.  The letter names Stannis the new king when Robert dies.  LF however, advises Ned to keep Joffrey as king to make sure peace is kept.  Stannis is uncompromising and would have Cersei and her kids executed.  Tywin would hate this and probably make war.  Ned doesn’t bite and LF agrees to bribe the city watch to back Ned up.

 

Jon VII

  Jon’s scheme was successful.  Sam will be sworn in as a black brother.  Yay Sam!  Mormont gives them a nice little pre vow taking speech.  He warns them that once they it it’s permanent.  Most will take their vows in the sept.  Jon will take them at the heart tree in the grove of weirwoods beyond the wall.  Sam decides he wants to do the same.  The Seven never answered his prayers anyway.  Might as well vow take with his new BFF.

  Now it is time to assign everyone to their orders.  Jon, to his surprise and chagrin is sent to the stewards.  Lord Commander Mormont has requested Jon as his personal steward.  Jon is super pissed and insulted to be treated like a servant.  Sam sees it differently.  He thinks this means Jon is being groomed as a potential future LC.  Jon kind of realizes that Sam is right but he is determined to have a tantrum anyway.  Finally he starts to feel like an asshole and agrees to take his vows.

  Bowen Marsh leads them all through the tunnel to the north side of the wall.  Ghost accompanies them.  Jon gets a creepy vibe from the forest and Sam seems to share it.  After they take the vows they turn to go back to the Wall.  They see Ghost and he has a human hand in his mouth.

 

Eddard XIV

  Final preparations are being made for the girl’s trip back to Winterfell.  Ned is letting Arya squeeze in one last lesson with Syrio.  However, he doesn’t let Sansa say goodbye to Joffrey.  Of course he doesn’t explain why.  Ugh.

  Ned decides to convene an emergency meeting of the small council.  Varys, when he arrives informs Ned that Renly has left the city.  Oops.  The meeting is interrupted by a summons for the council members to come before Joffrey and Cersei.  Oh by the way, Robert is dead.  Somehow with me being in my cups and all, that was missed.  Oh well.

  Cersei rips up Robert’s will and calls it a paper shield.  She commands fealty to Joffrey, the new king.  Ned refuses and names Stannis the heir.  Ned call the gold cloaks to arrest Cersei.  Unfortunately, Janos Slynt has them kill all of the Stark men instead.  Fat Tom, Varly, Cayn and the rest are stabbed.  Littlefinger grabs Ned’s knife, puts it up to his throat and says one of my favorite and least favorite lines of the series.  “I did warn you not to trust me, you know.”  Oof.

 

Arya IV

  Arya and Syrio are having a lesson.  Syrio tells her a story about how he got the job as fist sword to the Sealord of Braavos.  The Sealord had a menagerie of exotic animals shipped in from all over the world.  The last sword died and the Sealord was auditioning replacements.  All the men got sent away and Syrio didn’t know why.  He walked in and saw a big fat cat on the Sealord’s lap.  It turns out he was the only one who noticed it was a regular cat because everyone else was expecting some exotic beast.  Syrio got the job because he looked with his eyes instead of seeing what he wanted.  Cats are common in Braavos so I’m not sure why he was the only one who picked up on this, but whatever.  It’s an important story for Arya’s development.

  Then their lesson is intruded on by Meryn Trant of the Kingsguard and some red cloaks (Lannister guards).  They want Arya to come with them and claim Ned has summoned her.  Syrio questions why Lannister men would be sent and Arya quickly realizes something in the milk of the poppy ain’t clean.  She refuses to go.  They try to take her by force and Syrio starts to fight them off.  He tells Arya to run away.  Syrio is really fast and impressive, but severely outnumbered.

  Arya runs away and comes across the corpses of all the Stark men outside the tower of the hand.  She runs off to the stables.  Hullen, the master of horse who used to call her Arya Underfoot dies right in front of her, having been stabbed many times.  She comes across the corpse of Desmond, who told her that her father would be all right and one northman was worth 10 from the south.

  Arya comes upon the carts full of her stuff.  Among the baggage, she finds her sword needle.  A stableboy walks in an threatens to turn her in to the queen.  Arya stabs him.  After this, she runs away again and finds her way back to the tunnels with the dragon skulls.

 

Deaths in this recap: 8  Biggest number yet by far.  Hullen and Desmond in.  Usually I only include named characters, but since the stableboy is important for Arya’s character development he is getting included.  Fat Tom, Varly and Cayn.  Viserys.  Robert.

Cumulative deaths: 22

Maybe deaths in this recap:  1  New category.  This category can be subtracted.  I will add to it anytime somebody is presumed dead.  If the death is confirmed it will be subtracted and added to the deaths category.  If they are confirmed living, the number will just go down.  This time it is Syrio that may or not be dead.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 2  Viserys threatening Dany and her baby, Littlefinger pretending to be on Ned’s side and betraying him to Cersei.

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

I’ve Made a Huge Mistake

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Daenerys VI, Eddard XIII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Daenerys VI

  Dany is eating a horse heart because it will make her fetus strong, according to the Dothraki.  The Dothraki are way too horse obsessed.  They’re like those junior high girls who talk about and read about horses all the time and eventually they start to actually look like a horse.  There was a girl at my school who published a poem in our school’s lit newsletter entitled.  This Horse!  Twenty years later it still cracks my shit up.  I don’t think she went so far as actually eating a horse heart though.  That’s a whole other level of inappropriate.

  Anyway, she finishes the heart and it impresses everybody.  One of the old crones proclaims her fetus to be a boy who will grow up to be the “Stallion who mounts the world.”  Spoiler alert:  Her predictions are about as accurate as Sylvia Browne’s.  Too soon?  Dany names her son Rhaego after her dead brother Rhaegar.  Everybody chants “Rhaego, Rhaego, Rhaego!” and they marched to the lake where Dany and Drogo proceed to have sex in front of anybody.  I’m sort of surprised they cut that last part out of the show.

  Later, they are having a big feast.  Viserys is absent.  Jorah tells her he has gone to find wine at the western market.  Jorah informs Dany that Viserys had tried to steal the dragon eggs to sell them, but Jorah stopped him.  For some reason she says that she would’ve just given him the eggs because he is her brother and true king.  Not sure I’m buying that.  Jorah gently tries to explain that she the Dothraki now and doesn’t need his lame ass.  Especially since the stallion who mounts the world is the subject of a prophecy.  He will unite all the Dothraki in one Khalasar and all the people in the world will be his herd.

  Since all discussions of prophecy in ASOIAF get interrupted before the characters can finish their exposition, Viserys chooses this moment to come stumbling drunk into the hall.  He is mad that people started eating without him and calls Dany a whore.  This will end well.  Jorah tries to shut him the hell up, but fails and the other men start laughing at poor delusional Viserys.

  Then Khal Drogo tells Viserys he doesn’t get to sit with the rest of them at the popular table and has to go sit with the old men and the other people deemed useless.  They’re in the corner.  Seriously.  The politics of dinner at a Dothraki feast is the same as the politics of a high school movie cafeteria.

  Then things get realer than high school movies (Heathers excepted) when Viserys draws a sword.  You may recall that drawing a sword is a big taboo in Vaes Dothrak.  Viserys takes Dany hostage with the sword in hopes of getting Drogo to take his Khalasar to Westeros and get to the invading.  Oh Viserys.  We all wish that would happen, but you are going about so very wrongly.

  Drogo assures Viserys he will have a golden crown that men shall tremble to behold.  Viserys is pleased with this.  Poor stupid Viserys.  Drogo’s bloodriders seize Viserys.  Drogo melts a bunch of gold.  He pours it onto Viserys head.  Killing him but giving him a golden crown.

 

Eddard XIII

  Robert, having finally returned from the hunt summons Ned in the middle of the night.  As he approaches the royal apartments bad vibes abound.  Turns out the boar Robert was hunting gored him from groin to nipple. Ouch!  The wound is apparently necrotizing or something because the whole room stinks of death.

  Rober wants to talk to Ned and he makes Cersei leave the room.  Clearly this pisses her off and scares her. Now I’m going to publish and continue the rest in a second post because everything froze and I can no longer type in the editor without wanting to off myself!