Archive | December 2018

Gay Miners and a Hand Job

Book I am reading:  A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons

Booze in my flagon:  Hard cider

Chapters:  The Prophet, Captain of Guards, Cersei I


Well, I fell prey to HBO’s marketing campaign and have been watching GoT all day in anticipation of the new season.  So I thought it’d be a good time to resurrect this blog once more.

Some new POV characters are coming into the mix.  So, get ready to party.


AFFC The Prophet

The prophet AKA Aeron “Damphair” Greyjoy is drowning men on Great Wyk.  As one does.  Three other men cheerfully let it happen, but the fourth one, named Emmond is too unmasculine to bro it up with the other religious dudes and struggles.  Aemon and some of his minions, called ‘drowned men’ hold him underwater until he stops struggling.  Some other Iron Islanders ride up on horses.  Aeron emerges from the water all naked but for a sealskin wang covering.  To complete the cult leader on an desert island look, he has waist length hair and a long beard with seaweed woven into both.  The drowned men pray around Emmond while Aeron does mouth to mouth and Emmond comes back to life.  This means Emmond can join the cult and all the drowned men give a punch and a kiss to welcome him to the brotherhood.  Everything about the Iron Islands is just the epitome of toxic masculinity, huh?

Having completed the fraternity hazing, Aemon finally greets the riders by asking them if they came to be drowned.  Damn, dude.  Not to kink shame or anything, but give it a rest.  Isn’t four drownings in a day enough?  Two of the riders, Sparr and his son, Steffarion claim to have already been drowned, but Aeron is quite sure it’s not a real masculine type drowning, but just a tip in a tub.  No wonder the Islands have been conquered.  Millenials ruin everything.

The third rider, Gormond Goodbrother is there to insist that Aeron be brought to the residence of his father, Lord Gorold, as there is some important news from a maester’s raven.  Aeron doesn’t want to leave his frat bros, so he makes them tell him the news now.  So they tell him, the king is dead.   Aren’t they all?  Readers of ASOS may be asking.

The king they speak of is Balon Greyjoy, brother of Aeron.  They tell him that he fell off the bridge connecting the different keeps at Pyke and got smashed on the rocks.  Aeron thinks that the Storm God, who is the Satan of the Iron Islands religion stuck down Balon for being too awesome and Making the Iron Islands Great Again.  This kind of contradicts Aeron’s earlier grumpiness over how not great the Islands have been lately, but oh well.  Aeron declares that Balon is now in the halls of the drowned god being serviced by mermaids.  Now we know why Ariel was so anxious to move out of the sea and on to the land.  To get away from these creepy, pervy motherfuckahs.

Aeron decides to go see Lord Gorold at his keep, Hammerhorn after all.  He takes one of the horses, even though it is an icky land beast.  Gorold has an inland keep and his smallfolk toil in mines.  Aeron thinks that they’re totally queer because they aren’t around the sea enough.  No, that’s actually what he says.  “Crabbed and queer.”  So, I Googled “gay miner” and found the best thing ever.

Eat your heart out, Chuck Tingle.

On the ride over, Aeron starts reminiscing about his brothers.  There used to be nine of them.  Now only he, Victarion, Euron are left alive.  Balon was the manliest and toughest, so, even though he was a total prick to Aeron, he is thought of only with admiration.

Aeron arrives at Hammerhorn.  It is ugly, dank, and dark.  There, Aeron learns that Euron AKA the Crow’s Eye has taken possession of the Seastone Chair and is ruling the Iron Islands.  This is probably not a good thing, as Balon had exiled him on the threat of death.  He arrived the day after Balon’s death.

Euron is expecting homage from all the nobility of the Iron Islands.  Aeron is not pleased because Euron is not, according to him, a godly man.  Balon had wanted Asha to succeed him and Garold’s maester thinks Theon should be king even though he’s missing on the mainland.  Aeron’s choice is Victarion, even though Euron is older.  The maester insists that Theon is the rightful heir and Asha is next.  Aeron yells at him for being a dumbass greenlander and storms of to have an angry pray.

Aeron dreams of his brothers.  Including a squeaking hinge, which is supposed to imply that Euron went all Josh Duggar on him.  Ick.  He also dreamed of how he used to be a cool teen partier until he got captured during the time the Iron Islands tried to rebel and got captured and thrown in the dungeons of Casterly Rock.  As many men before him did, Aeron turned into a relgious zealot in prison.

Aeron wakes up in the middle of the night, skinny dips and decides he is resolved.  It is time for a Kingsmoot.  He manipulates all his followers to call one.  A kingsmoot is where a bunch of candidates declare themselves, a lot of angry men yell at each other about it, and finally crown their king.  In other words.  It’s like a Republican primary.  Aeron is super pleased and gives himself a pat on the back.


AFFC The Captain of Guards

Now for a complete change of scenery, we join Areo Hotah, the bodyguard to Prince Doran Martell.  They are at the Water Gardens, which is a desert oasis resort type place. Oberyn’s bastard daughter, Obara Sand is approaching.  She’s all big and mean, so Areo is not too pleased.  She’s pissed off that Oberyn is dead and wants to yell at Doran about it.  Areo tries to stop her, but she’s out of fucks to give.  All of Dorne is so upset that all the sex workers are doing everyone for free and Doran is a big wimp and just sitting on his butt.  Areo tells himself “she shall not pass.”

Sadly, Doran ruins his Gandalf fantasy moment by saying that it’s okay if Obara comes in.  She starts complaining about Oberyn’s murder and asking what he’s going to do about it, but Doran is all gouty and eye-baggy and useless, and tells her that since he died in voluntary combat, it’s not murder.  He’s content that Tywin has promised him the Mountain’s head, but Obara wants herself and Oberyn’s other bastard daughter, Nymeria to march to war.  She wants to kill Tywin, not knowing that he’s already dead.  He tells her he’ll sleep on it and Obara pissily leaves.

Doran decides that it’s time to go back to Sunspear, where the Martell royal family lives.  He hasn’t been back there for a while.  It’s a whole big thing because he’s going to have to talk to Myrcella Lannister and deal with Arys Oakheart, the Kingsguard that was sent along to watch over her.  But on the plus side he gets to see his daughter Arianne.  Areo doesn’t like Arys and thinks they’ll fight to the death one of these days.

Doran starts talking about his dead siblings and Areo feels awkward because he’s from Norvos, over in Essos and apparently they don’t reminisce in the mysterious land of Foreign?

A blood orange falls from the tree above them and splats on the ground in front of Doran.  This is probably a foreshadowing of doom, so they decide it really is time to leave for Sunspear.  Well, after an olive and hummus platter anyway.  It wouldn’t be a GRRM book without at least a little food porn.  In fact, it’s midday the next day before they leave, because he has to hang out and eat gull’s eggs with the local children first.

About halfway to Sunspear, Nymeria Sand rides up to the party.  She’s way hotter than Obara because her mom is a Volantis noblewoman, unlike Obara’s mom who is just some random Oldtown whore.  Apparently, aritstrocratic = hot?  The Hapsburgs beg to differ…

Nymeria asks if it’s true that Oberyn poisoned the tip of his spear, meaning that Gregor Clegane is about to die painfully.  Doran is noncommittal, but Nym is pretty well convinced of the rumor’s veracity.  Nymeria says that she and their other bastard sister Tyene are not as war hyped as Obara, but they do want to kill Tywin, Cersei, Jaime and Tommen.  Doran is still disappointingly lacking in the typical Westerosi bloodlust, so Nymeria also pissily leaves, declaring she will not wait for vengeance.

The party gets to Sunspear.  It’s all dusty and gross and the smallfolk shout at them to go to war for Oberyn.  They start throwing things and the procession has to push through to get into the keep.  There they are greeted by Arianne, Myrcella, Arys, and some random Dornish lords.  Arianne informs him that Tyene is waiting for a private word in the throne room.  Tyene is all sweet and innocent looking because her mom was a septa, but Maria Von Trapp wants war too.  Only she wants to wait for the Lannisters to come there for Myrcella and Trystane’s wedding before killing them.    She wants to declare Myrcella queen of Westeros because by Dornish law, the elder child on any sex is the heir and she is older than Tommen.

Doran is all tired out and needs milk of the poppy after having to hear Sand Snakes all day.  After he gets nice and stoned, he commands Areo to arrest the Sand Snakes so that they can’t carry out their plans.  Doran doesn’t mind that his people will be mad, because he wants Tywin to know he has a loyal friend.


AFFC Cersei I

Welp.  It’s time to take a trip into Cersei’s mind.  That’s about as pleasant as you might expect.  She’s dreaming that she’s on the iron throne.  All the courtiers are bowing and supplicating until Tyrion starts laughing at her, and then everyone else starts laughing too.  Then she realizes she’s naked and the throne starts cutting her up.

Cersei wakes up to find that the Kingsguard are lurking about her room.  They all look freaked out.  They are there to bring the news that Tywin is dead.  She has some mixed feelings about it.  On the one hand, this is really starting to make her paranoia grow.  On the other hand, she’s pretty glad that she now has Casterly Rock and no one will make her get married.

Cersei does not weep.  She thinks of herself as the only real son Tywin ever had.  Hurrah for internalized misogyny.  Maybe she should leave Westeros and sail to America to audition for a job as a Fox News anchor.

Cersei starts thinking murderous thoughts about the moth trapped in Ser Osmund Kettleblack’s lantern.  I mean, we all probably think murderous thoughts about bugs sometimes, but oh, it gets so much worse from here.

As she walks towards Tywin’s chambers, a bunch of servants are standing around gawking and gossiping and she hates on them too.  When she gets to the tower of the hand, Kevan is there, along with Meryn Trant.  She berates everyone for leaving his corpse with the arrow in it.  She asked for Pycelle to be summoned.  They inform her that he already saw the body and sent for the silent sisters.  Cersei is all enraged that she was the last to know.  She wants a different maester and the servants bring back Qyburn.  He asks what she wants him to do with the girl.  This is the first Cersei has noticed of Shae and oh is she pissed.  Until Qyburn suggests that Tywin must have just been questioning her.  Cersei grasps on to that straw and the worst, creepiest friendship in history is born.  If any show only person chances to read this, just you wait.  You have no idea.

Cersei commands that Shae be secreted out and she threatens everyone with death if they talk about her body being found there.  Jaime emerges from the secret passage.  Cersei wants him to be hand of the king.  He refuses and snarks on her fitness to rule in Tommen’s name.  This spat causes Kevan to scold them.  This makes her think Kevan should take the hand job (teehee) because she can control him.

Cersei hates on the Tyrells and Pycelle and Varys in her head.  This causes her to wonder where Varys is.  She has Boros Blount search for him and it is discovered that he and Tyrion are missing.  Thus begins Cersei’s descent into madness.  Yay!


Deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative deaths: 155

Maybe deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  13

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Doran not wanting to avenge Oberyn’s death and having the Sand Snakes arrested

Cumulative betrayals: 43

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 28