There’s a shadow baby in my soup!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion IX, Davos II, Jon V

Booze in my flagon:  Orange vodka/soda

 

Tyrion IX

  It is time for Myrcella to be sent to Dorne to ensure the alliance with the Martells.  It is made into a big lavish production.  The obese High Septon blesses Myrcella who is being sent with a kingsquard, Arys Oakheart.   The smallfolk are out in droves to watch the whole thing and Tyrion can sense their hatred.

  Myrcella never cries as she is sailing away but Tommen does.  So of course, Joffrey just has to be a dick about it.  Sansa tries to stand up for Tommen but Joffrey threatens to kill her.  Nice.

  As he watches the fleet sail away, Tyrion reflects on how he trusts Varys too much.  Yeah, that’s probably not a great idea.  We also learn that Littlefinger has been gone for a suspiciously long time.  Many people think he’s dead but Tyrion figures he isn’t.  It seems like he’s probably up to no good.  Just a thought.

  When it’s time to leave, the royal family and their people must navigate their horses through a crush of people.  All the peasants, who are starving because no food is coming into the city are staring at them with resentment.  When they are halfway back to the Red Keep a woman runs out in front of the column.  She’s carrying the corpse of a dead baby.  Part of me wants to go look up some of those tasteless dead baby jokes people used to tell in middle school, but I won’t.  I don’t need to because the most amazing thing happens next.

  After Cersei tells the woman that there’s nothing more anyone can do for the baby, the woman flips right the fuck out.  She calls Cersei a “Kingslayer’s whore” and “Brotherfucker!”  Beautiful.  Then someone in the crowd throws dung and it hits Joffrey in the face.  Beautifullest.

  Joffrey freaks out and promises 100 golden dragons to whoever gives him up.  He wants to behead the culprit and sends the Hound into the crowd.  This is starting to cause a mosh pit like atmosphere.  Tyrion advises they get out but Joffrey is stupid and is still insisting on finding the poo flinger.  Now the crowd is calling Joffrey “bastard” and “monster” and Tyrion “freak” and “halfman.”  They’re also demanding bread and cheering for the other king claimants.

  Chaos ensues.  Kingsguard member Aron Santagar is pulled off his horse and killed.  They got back inside and Lord Gyles reports seeing the High Septon pulled off his litter and killed.  Sansa, the Hound, Preston Greenfield of the kingsguard, Lollys Stokeworth and Tyrek Lannister, Tyrions teen cousin are all missing.  In a rage, Tyrion slaps Joffrey.  It’s glorious.  Of course, Joffrey is a complete piece of shit and doesn’t learn any lesson.  Tyrion orders KG members Boros Blount and Mandon Moore to go look for Sansa and Boros isn’t pleased about it.  They are close to coming to blows, but then, The Hound returns carrying Sansa.  She is bleeding from a gash on her forehead and very traumatized, but physically more or less OK.  Rioting and fires take place in the city for the rest of the night.  Later, Preston Greenfield’s body was found and Lollys was sadly gang raped but still alive.  Tyrek Lannister remains missing.

 

Davos II

  Team Stannis are camped outside of Storm’s End.  Ser Cortnay Penrose, its garrison will not give up Storm’s End or Robert’s bastard Edric Storm.  Stannis has gotten tired and haggard looking.  Like something drained the life from him.  Melisandre is by him constantly.  Creepy.  Stannis’ bannermen want to take up Penrose’s offer of single combat to settle things. 

  Davos and Stannis shoot the shit talking about treacherous his formerly Renly supporting bannermen are.  They talk about how Davos keeps his amputated fingers in a pouch around his neck to remind him where he came from.  Predictably, Stannis emos about how everyone likes Robert and Renly better.  He tells Davos that he dreamed of Renly’s death at the time it happened.  It gives Davos the heebie-jeebies.

  Later at dinner, Davos advises Stannis to abandon Storm’s End and strike for King’s Landing.  Stannis nixes that plan.  He knows that no one loves him and he needs people to fear him to keep his people in line.  He informs Davos that Melisandre has seen Penrose’s death in the flames.  It will occur within the day.  Once again Davos is well and good heebie-jeebied.  He wants Davos to secretly land a boat beneath the castle that night.  He is to take Mel with him.

  While going into the drainage tunnels Davos and Melisandre discuss the nature of good and evil.  Davos believes in shades of grey.  Mel believes in only good and evil but thinks that everything done in the service of R’hllor is inherently good.  There’s a lot of talk of rotten onions.  Once beneath the walls of Storm’s End Mel takes off her cloak to reveal … a giant ass pregnant belly!  She gives birth to the same Stannis looking shadow creature that killed Renly.  The shadow slips between the bars and enters Storm’s End.

George Michael: ..then Uncle Tobias showed us these really rough pictures that proved that she was really Aunt Lindsay’s daughter. I just feel like I can’t be around her or Aunt Lindsay. They were really rough… pictures.Michael: No, I remember their birth announcement like it was yesterday.[image] “There’s A Girl in My Soup! Announcing Our Daughter: Maeby Fünke.
Development Arrested - 3x13
GUYS I spent far too long photoshopping this to look like the original.

 

Jon V

  In the middle of the night Qhorin Halfhand and company finally arrive to the fist to meet up with Mormont and company.  Qhorin is the mostest fiercest warrior the Night’s Watch has.  Qhorin knows who Jon is right away because he has the Stark look.  They were late getting to the Fist because they were attacked by wildlings.

  Qhorin has found out why Mance and all the wildlings are in the Frostfangs.  He’s a power that will take the Wall down.  He and Mormont decide to send scouts back into the mountains to find out what’s going on.  Qhorin will lead them.  Mormont will keep the bulk of the NW.  Qhorin is allowed to choose what men he wants to take.  He chooses Jon Snow.

Deaths in this recap:  3.  The High Septon, Aron Santagar, and Preston Greenfield in the riots.

Cumulative deaths: 54

Maybe deaths in this recap:  1.  Tyrek Lannister, missing.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 13

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

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