So many bad ideas, so few nope llamas

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Bran V, Tyrion VIII, Theon III

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Bran V

  A raven arrives at Winterfell with news of Robb’s big victory against the Lannisters at Oxcross.  However, Bran is disappointed that Tywin is not yet defeated and Robb will not be coming home.  Maester Luwin also tells Big and Little Walder that their uncle Stevron Frey is dead.  Those two little shits have zero fucks to give and just LOL at how old Stevron is.  Bran realizes this situation is proof that Jojen’s greendreams are prophetic.  The Freys got the bad dish but liked the taste of it better.  In real life I would put this all down to confirmation bias, but hey, fantasy!

  Later Jojen barges into Bran’s bed chamber with Meera ready to tell Bran about the dream of disaster at Winterfell he had.  He dreamt that the sea comes to Winterfell and drowns many of its residents including Mikken, Alebelly, and Septon Chayle.  I’m not sure what need they have for a Septon now that Catelyn’s gone anyway.  Is that callous?  Winterfell is many leagues away from the sea so it’s all cryptic but Bran seems to be a believer now.  He wants to warn the people that Jojen saw dead to save them.  Jojen is all fatalistic about the whole thing and declares that it will not help.

  Instead, Jojen wants to hear about Bran’s dreams.  Bran describes his wolf dreams.  Jojen calls Bran a warg.  In the book the word ‘warg’ appears in italics so you know it’s extra dramatic.  The ever comforting Jojen warns Bran that even his own people will want to hurt or even kill him if they hear about his wargtastic state of being.  The perfect thing to tell a nine year old.  He tells Bran that they aren’t mere dreams and they can’t be changed so he might as well shut up about becoming a knight.

  Bran ignores Jojen’s opinion that he can’t change the foreseen deaths and decides to try and warn them.  Predictably it doesn’t do much.  Mikken makes fun of him, Chayle doesn’t really care and figures he’ll die when the gods see fit and Alebelly does pay heed but his solution is to stop bathing so he gets so extra stinky that his buddies force him to bathe.

  A few days later, Rodrick comes back to Winterfell with a prisoner.  He is called Reek.  He has long greasy hair, wormy looking lips and smells like literal shit.  In other words, he is exactly what you imagine an internet troll to be.  Reek was a servant to Roose Bolton’s bastard Ramsay.  Ramsay was killed and Reek captured while they were in the middle of committing rapes on Hornwood lands.  It turns out that with Reek’s aid, Ramsay forcibly married Lady Hornwood, locked her in a tower and left her to starve to death.  She was found with her fingers chewed off.  I get why that imagery was used because it’s horrifically gruesome, but wouldn’t she die of dehydration long before she got that hungry?  Oh well.  That’s kind of nitpicky I guess.  In any case; I think this calls for a nope llama.

  Rodrick and Maester Luwin worry that this will create a difficult political situation with Roose Bolton because Lady Hornwood signed a will naming Ramsay as heir, but it was signed under duress.  They are not sure if Roose will press his claim on the Hornwood’s lands.  Bolton men and Manderly men are fighting each other in the Hornwood forests.  It’s a hot mess.  They decide to keep Reek alive until Robb returns because he is a witness.  Um, that might, just might be a bad idea guys?

  Bran tells Luwin about Jojen’s dream.  Of course, he is skeptical but he has to admit to Bran that the Ironborn are raiding the Stony Shore.  Later, Jojen tells Bran he had a dream about Reek in which he was skinning the faces off of Bran and Rickon.  He saw Bran and Rickon down in the crypts.  Again, these are not appropriate things to tell a child about!  The chapter dramatically ends with Jojen reminding Bran that the greendreams cannot be changed. 

 

Tyrion VIII

  Varys is villainously warming his hands above the brazier and informing the small council of Renly’s demise.  Varys has heard many theories about who did it but either isn’t sure which is correct or is pretending not to be sure.  Cersei, with her usual pissiness is angry at him for not being sure.  In any case, Tyrion is thinking Stannis was behind it.  The sudden death is not good news for team Lannister because they were counting on Stannis and Renly’s armies decimating each other so the winner was too weakened to be a threat.  Most of Renly’s forces have gone over to Stannis..

  However, the Tyrells, Tarlys and Rowans haven’t gone over and are free agents now.  Also, Storm’s End hasn’t yielded under the watch of the castellan Cortnay Penrose.  Word is Loras was so upset he killed Emmon Cuy and Robar Royce for not saving Renly.  They see an opportunity to win the Tyrells by voiding Joffrey’s betrothal to Sansa and promising him to Margaery instead.  The prospect makes Cersei mad for no reason I can see.  I’m pretty sure she automatically hates everything that wasn’t her own idea.  She finally does reluctantly agree and she and Tyrion try to talk each other into being the one to go to Bitterbridge to treat with the Tyrells.  In a surprise twist Littlefinger agrees to step on go.  That’s not suspicious at all.  Tyrion doesn’t trust it but he has no choice to agree.  Slobber Redwyne will go with to be returned to Lord Paxter Redwyne in hopes of winning him over to the Lannisters side too.  Horror will be left in KL as insurance.

  After the meeting is over, Cersei suddenly starts buttering Tyrion up.  She thanks him for his awesome performance as the Hand and kisses him on the cheek.  Obviously she is up to something.

 

Theon III

  We join Theon on his raiding mission on the Stony Shore.  He has captured Benfred Tallheart.  Aeron Damphair wants him killed, Theon wants Benfred questioned but Benfred is belligerent.  He says he will not answer questions and swears Theon will die for his fuckery.  This makes Theon decide to kill him.  Aeron wants him given to the Drowned God and he wants Theon to be the one to drown him.  Theon however, unlike Ned cannot stomach executing his own prisoner and refuses to do it.  Oh Theon!  For all his bragging about almost cutting down Jaime at Whispering Wood he sure is chickenshit with his prisoner.

  After Benfred is dead and the looting complete Theon seeks out Dagmer Cleftjaw.  Dagmer has a hideous scar down his face.  He was sort of a surrogate father to Theon.  Theon whines about Balon not really trusting him and outlines his wishes to do something more than just harry the shore.  Dagmer admits that Theon is untrusted because he is too close to Robb.  Poor Theon.  Nobody likes him.  A lot of that is because he is a douche, but still.  It’s kind of sad.

  Anyway, Theon’s dastardly plan is to have Dagmer lay siege to Torrhen’s Square home of the Tallhearts.  This will draw Rodrick and Winterfell’s garrison leaving Winterfell undefended.  Uh oh.

 

Deaths in this recap:  4.  Poor Lady Hornwood, Benfred Emmon, and Robar didn’t even get the courtesy of dying on page.

Cumulative deaths: 50

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  I can’t remember if I already counted Theon betraying Robb, but I think it’s worth mentioning again.  Bad Theon.

Cumulative betrayals: 13

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

 

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