Tag Archive | Catelyn

The Elliot Rodger of Westeros

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Chapters:  Prologue, Jaime I, Catelyn I

Booze in my flagon:  malbec

I was sick last weekend so didn’t feel up to blogging.  But now I will finally get to start recapping ASOS.  I’m already wondering how the hell I’m going to cover the RW…

Prologue

Our latest soon to be dead narrator is Chett.  He’s the worst.  You might remember as the zit covered Night’s Watch man who used to be Aemon’s steward before Jon got them to give Sam the job.  He really resents them now.

Chett’s new job is taking care of the dogs.  It’s really cold up near the fist lately and the dogs are uneasy.  They refuse to hunt.  Chett’s friend Lark the Sisterman is with him as is a big guy named Small Paul who seems to be developmentally disabled.  It is revealed that they plan to kill Lord Commander Mormont and run away somewhere south.  Chett doesn’t want to be killed by wildlings who are according to Thoren Smallwood’s rangings on the move and coming towards them.  He means to live.  I think we all know that means he’s about to die.  But how?

We learn a little about Chett’s backstory now.  His father caught and sold leeches in Hag’s Mire which is part of Walder Frey’s domain.  He stabbed a girl for turning him down for sex and got sent to the Wall for his crime.  See?  I told you he was the worst.  He doesn’t even think he did anything wrong.  Now he plans to go kill Craster and take over his creep.  Such delusion.  He’s basically the Elliot Rodger of Westeros.

Finally Chett and his friends return back to the Fist.  They encounter a bunch of men doing archery practice.  Including Sam.  Chett goes into a rage at the sight of him.  He really, really hates having had his job stolen.

The temperatures are falling even more.  The creepy feeling from the prologue of AGOT is starting to set in.  As the night falls, Dywen is commenting on how the forest is too quiet.  No frogs, owls or wolves to be seen or heard.

All of a sudden, Mormont calls for an assembly of all the NW brothers.  Mormont has been convinced by Smallwood to march on the wildlings.  The wildlings outnumber them but are ill trained and armed so Mormont seems to think a sneak attack will work.  Of course, what they don’t know is that Orell lives on his eagle and is spying all the time.  The whole group shouts out their vows together.  As their voices die down it gets creepy again.  The wind whistles and Mormont’s raven says “die.”

Later that night as Chett is waiting for the time to attack Mormont, Same and the rest to come it starts snowing.  The snow will ruin the plan but Chett just thinks fuck it, might as well murder Sam anyway.  Then even that plan is foiled as the sound of the horn rings out.  At first he thinks maybe Halfhand and Jon are back.  A single blast means brothers returning.  But then a second blast comes.  Two blasts means wildlings.

Then comes a third and final blast.  The ravens start going nuts.  Three blasts haven’t sounded in thousands of years.  Three blasts mean the Others are there.  Chett pisses himself and on that note the chapter ends and we don’t get to find out what happens for a good long while.

Jaime I

Jaime is pretty damn happy to be out of the dungeon.  In fact, “an east wind blew through his tangled hair, as soft and fragrant as Cersei’s finger.”  Ewwww.  Brienne is in a much more serious mood though.  Jaime is about as much of a jerk as you expected him to be before he became a POV character and he keeps thinking about how big and ugly Brienne is.  He even compares her to a cow.  Sigh.

He barely remembers his escape from Riverrun.  He was super drunk and Brienne, Catelyn and Cleos Frey had to do all the work.  He eventually passed out.  The deal is, Jaime has to find Arya and Sansa and bring them back safely to Catelyn and he also had to swear not to take up arms against the Starks/Tullys anymore.

Jaime is asking to have his chains off but Brienne is not having it.  He calls her wench which she doesn’t like.  They banter for awhile and Cleos tries and fails to get Jaime to be nice.  Cleos is the son of Genna Frey nee Lannister who as we’ll see later is awesome and Emmon Frey who is a big loser.  He’s very weak willed and afraid of Tywin.  That’s why Cleos, despite being a Frey is team Lannister.

Now Jaime is remembering that wacky time he defenestrated Bran.  He kind of regrets it.  Not because of empathy or anything.  Because it’s caused him a lot of trouble.  Even Cersei wasn’t pleased about it.  This is why Jaime doesn’t think that Cersei could have been the one to send that catspaw after him.  He also thinks she would have sent Jaime if he wanted the boy dead.  So who did send him?  Maybe we’ll find out later.

Jaime has Cleos shave off his hair in hopes that he won’t be recognized.  I’m glad they didn’t do that in the show because bald, bearded Jaime would have looked a bit Walter White for my taste.  He also has a bunch of louses that have to be picked out.  Ew.  Jaime sees his reflection and thinks Cersei will hate the fact that he doesn’t look as much like her now that he’s bald and looks a gaunt mess.  That.  Is.  So.  Fucked up.

They are sailing down the river and the countryside is all deserted and sad.  Usually the Trident is bustling.  One of my favorite things about ASOIAF is that GRRM makes sure to include the toll that war takes on the common people.  That’s usually glossed over in fantasy.  Or any other fiction in which there is a war.

Eventually they spot a fire.  They see a ruined building and a slew of female corpses hanging from a tree.  Jaime wants to move on but Brienne insists that they should get a proper burial.  A sign hung around one woman’s neck that said “they lay with lions.”  Lesson learned.  The Stark side isn’t 100% pure either.  At this point Cleos tells them that Bolton has Harrenhal.  That makes their trip even more dangerous.

The grave digging work is cut short when Brienne spots a sail in the distance.  It’s Tully colored.  Apparently it didn’t take long for the Tully men to discover Cat’s misbehavior.  The boat eventually gets close enough for Robin Ryger, the Tully captain at arms and Jaime to exchange taunts.  It seems like they’re pretty screwed but Brienne eventually manages to leave the boat, climb up a nearbye cliff and throw huge boulders down at Ryger’s ship.  This slowed them down and Brienne and Jaime manage to escape.

Catelyn I

Cat is in some trouble.  The castellan, Desmond Grell and Hoster’s steward Utherydes Wayn feel bad for her because of the (supposed) deaths of Bran and Rickon but they really have no choice but to punish her.  They let her off easy and confine her in Hoster’s chambers even though she offers to take Jaime’s fetters.

At this point, Hoster is dying and delirious and doesn’t know who anyone even is.  He keeps calling her “Tansy”  Catelyn doesn’t know who that is.  He keeps saying “forgive me” as well.  He also speaks of dead babies.

Later, a raven arrives.  Catelyn learns that Robb was injured storming the Crag, one of the Lannister’s holdings.  He should be OK but is temporarily laid up.  Hoster is at his ramblings again and she wonders if Tansy is some pet name for Lysa.  Lysa had several miscarriages which devastated her.

The next day, Edmure comes home.  And he is pissed.  He sent a raven to Harrenhal offering money for Jaime’s recapture.  Uh oh.

Deaths in this recap: 0  We all know a whole bunch of NW men are about to die though

Cumulative deaths: 85. 

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  8

Betrayals in this recap:  0

Cumulative betrayals: 19

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

TreebeardBran

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Jon VII, Tyrion XII, Catelyn VII

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet

A quick note:  Since GRRM is forgoing writing a script for season 5 of the TV show to finish TWOW, I’m really hoping that by the time I recap the entirety of the first 5 books, TWOW will be out.  I know.  I’m a sweet summer child.

Jon VII

  Jon, Qhorin, Squire Dalbridge and Ebben are sneaking through the Skirling Pass.  Jon has one of his many heart to heart with a series of mentors so he can someday be a great leader with Qhorin.  Did that sentence make any kind of sense?  I don’t know because wine.  They talk about Mance Rayder who was a Black Brother before deserting to live among the wildlings.  Mance was born as a wildling and captured by the NW as a kid.  Qhorin explains that the wildlings are no better or worse than anyone but they have no discipline because they do not like to defer to any leadership.  I WONDER IF THIS INFORMATION WILL BECOME RELEVANT LATER? 

  The heartfeltiness of the heartfelt talk prompts Jon to confess that he let Ygritte go.  Qhorin is not surprised and he doesn’t really think they necessarily needed her dead.  He was just testing Jon to see what kind of man he is.  So crafty!

  Now it’s time for bed, and with it some weird dreams.  At first Jon has a wolf dream starring ghost.  Then a weirwood tree that sounds and looks like Bran calls out to him.  The tree smells like death but WeirBran tells JonGhost not to be afraid and to open his third eye.  The tree touches Jon and gives him a vision.  The vision is of Mance’s camp.  It is huge.  Not only does it have pretty much all the wildlings, they have mammoths.  Mammoths!  Wow!

  Then an eagle attacks JonGhost and Jon wakes up screaming.  Ebben is mad so Jon has to describe his dream.  The rest of the party seems to realize that Jon is a warg and the eagle attack was a wildling skinchanger.  Ghost is missing and Jon is very worried that the he is hurt or dead.  The fear gets worse after they see an eagle watching them walk.  They eventually found Ghost very hurt but able to walk.  Qhorin decides they must flee. 

  When they get to the spot where they encountered Ygritte and her friends Squire Dalbridge offers to stay behind to shoot arrows at the approaching wildlings and, Jon realizes, to sacrifice his life.

  The next day they hear the wildlings horn in the distance and no they are screwed.

Tyrion XII

  Varys has some news for Tyrion.  News from the north.  Uh oh.  The news is that Bran and Rickon have been killed.  Really GRRM?  That’s how you’re going to deliver the news?  A piece of parchment delivered by the spider?  Troll.

  Cersei isn’t sad at the news when Tyrion tells her.  Obviously.  Because she’s awful (and kind of awesome).  She is a little defensive about it though.  She is pissed that people might blame her for it.  That’s her only worry though.

  Cersei and Tyrion have dinner.  Their dinner is a swan.  A fucking swan.  Why?  She’s in a bad mood because of the Starks, Littlefinger being MIA and Tyrion sending his hill tribesman away because they aren’t disciplined enough to be soldiers.

  Tyrion has to convince Cersei that she needs to allow Joffrey to participate in the fast approaching battle.  It would be the worst PR if he doesn’t.  Sadly, Cersei is a bit of a helicopter parent (GRRM is apparently good at predicting trends) and he really has to work hard to convince her.

  Then Cersei springs one of her very special Cersei surprises on him.  She doesn’t like that Tyrion thinks with the “worm between his legs” so she’s captured his whore.  Tyrion is quite upset!  Cersei is ranting about how he wants Joff dead so he can rule through Tommen.  Cersei says that she will kill her terribly if any harm comes to Joff or Tommen.  This could be really horrifying and sad for Tyrion (that’s all that matters is Tyrion’s feels, right?) but unfortunately for Cersei, she took the wrong whore!  Sad trombone for Cersei.

  Cersei has mistakenly taken Alayaya.  Tyrion declares that whatever happens to her will happen to Tommen too.  Then he tells Cersei that he’ll get her one day and make sure her joy turns to ashes in her mouth.  I’m sure that will never backfire on him at all.  Right?

  When Tyrion gets back to his bedchamber, Shae is there.  Funny!  Varys led her through some secret tunnel to his bedchamber.  She was made to wear a hood so she couldn’t see.  Tyrion, try as he might can’t figure out where the passage is.  This isn’t important information either.  Shhh.

Catelyn VII

  Catelyn and Brienne are eating a morose dinner by themselves while outside the smallfolk are loudly singing and drinking to Edmure’s military victories.  Sadly, Cat has learned the news of Bran and Rickon’s deaths.  This is the point in which her chapters get depressing and contain lines like “I am a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.”

  Because the dinner is so awkward, she finally tells Brienne about what happened.  We get more details than in the previous chapter and they are gruesome.  Theon mounted their heads on the walls of Winterfell after capturing them at the mill.  What an asshole.  I wonder if he’ll get his comeuppance? 😀

  Catelyn wishes death on Theon, Cersei, Jaime and even Tyrion.  Foreshadowing?  We’ll just have to see.

  She tells Brienne that she sent Jaime a shit ton of wine in hopes of getting him wasted and talking.  It worked on Cleos Frey before so why not?  They arrange to meet at midnight to go interrogate him.

  Catelyn passes the time until then by going up to Hoster’s room and angsting at him.  He probably doesn’t understand what she’s saying.

  Finally midnight comes.  When she gets to the dungeon she finds that Jaime has not taken the bait and drunk the wine.  He is still a hot mess though.  The light hurts his eyes because he’s been in the dark like one of the crawlers from The Descent.  There’s shit all over the place, his clothes are soiled and his beard his ungroomed.  Catelyn still notices that he’s pretty hot and after watching seasons 2 and 3 of the TV show, I must concur.

  The two of them make a deal to answer each others questions truthfully.  First, he admits to being Joffrey’s father.  No big shock there.

  Jaime wants to know if his family still lives and when he finds out that Stafford is the only one dead thus far he gives zero fucks.

  Now the kicker.  Catelyn asks him what happened to Bran.  She wonders if he’ll be able to even answer but he has no shame at all and matter of factly tells her that he did in face defenestrate him.  He does however, deny sending the catspaw.  Hmm….

  All this time Jaime has finally been drinking the wine and by now he is quite drunk.  He tells Cat the terrible tale of how Rickard and Brandon Stark died.  Rickard was cooked inside his own armor by Aerys.  Ouch!  Brandon was tied up with a cord around his neck and his sword just out of reach.  He ended up strangling himself.

  This is all told as Jaime’s defense against the kingslaying.  We begin to get an understanding of why he did it and he becomes a character that is no longer a one dimensional villain.  This is one of my favorite parts of the books and I can’t even snark right now even though I’m a bit drunk.

  Anyway, Cat is fairly unmoved because she knows that Jaime did not slay Aerys to avenge the Starks. Also, Jaime starts mocking the fact that Ned had a bastard an we all know that’s a sore subject with Cat.  Finally she calls for Brienne and asks for her sword.

  Whaaa…..?

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Bran and Rickon.  Nooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cumulative deaths: 63

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  Cersei kidnaps who she thinks is Tyrion’s whore

Cumulative betrayals: 16

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

I’ve got a dick in a braizer for you

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion X, Catelyn VI, Bran VI

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Tyrion X

  Lancel, in his function as spy/Tyrion’s bitch tells Tyrion Cersei’s plans to send Tommen away to live at nearby Rosby with Lord Gyles.  Even though Gyles Rosby isn’t much like Rupert Giles from Buffy, I always think of him whenever he’s mentioned.  Tommen will have his hair dyed brown so he isn’t recognized.  Cersei fears Tyrion will harm Tommen for some reason.  Later, Tyrion sends Jacelyn Bywater to track down Tommen, oust Gyles’ men and take of Tommen himself.  Tyrion thinks Gyles is too much of a wuss to protect Tommen.  That’s why Gyles < Giles.

personal animated GIF

  Tyrion goes to visit Shae.  She’s hanging out with a singer.  His name is Symon Silver Tongue.  Tyrion is none too pleased to see him.  Because he keeps forgetting that Shae is a sex worker and not actually his girlfriend so he has no right to be possessive. Maybe the term “girlfriend experience” hasn’t been invented in Westeros yet?

  After they ditch Symon and have sex, Tyrion goes out to the garden to angst and brood (what is he Jon Snow now?) and Varys comes to visit him.  He’s dressed as a begging brother and smells very bad.  Not like his usual lavender scent.  Tyrion doesn’t recognize him at first but Shae did.  She tells him that “A whore learns to see the man, not hid garb, or she turns up dead in an alley.”  I like that quote and actually think it can apply to any woman who lives in a decent sized city, not just sex workers.  It’s like the whole Schrodinger’s Rapist thing.

  Anywho, Varys is there to deliver bad news.  He informs Tyrion of Cortnay Penrose’s death.  Storm’s End has fallen to Stannis.  One might question why this is information Varys needed to tell Tyrion in secret.  Won’t this be discussed at the council meeting?

  Tyrion takes Shae aside for a moment.  He tries to convince her to leave the city so she won’t be killed when Stannis comes a calling.  Instead she wants to become Tyrion’s legit lady and bear him sons.  She also wants him to kill Cersei so nobody in town can stop them.  He informs her that kin slayers are cursed in the sight of both gods and men.  Tee hee.  Foreshadowing.  Instead he proposes Shae becomes a scullion (kitchen) maid.  Ouch.  He’s thinks she’d be safer in the Red Keep, but of course she’s pretty offended.  She mocks him for being afraid of his father and he slaps her.  Nice domestic violence Tyrion!  Ick.  He feels guilty and tells her the Tysha story.  I think that’s supposed to make us feel sympathy for Tyrion, but from what I can tell, abusers tend to have some sort of sob story excusing their violence so I’m not inclined to give any fucks.  Shae buys it though.  She agrees to go work in the kitchens.

  Tyrion goes back out to meet Varys berating himself for thinking a whore might lurve him for real. Varys agrees to help him place Shae in the kitchens.  Varys warns him the kitchens are super gossipy like the downstairs portion of Downton Abbey so Shae will need to memorize a good back story.  He also warns Tyrion that sexual harassment runs rampant in the kitchens, but Tyrion would Shae get fondled than stabbed.  What nice choices!

  Luckily for Shae, Lady Tanda Stokeworth needs a new maid for Lollys.  Lollys was already developmentally disabled.  Since being raped in the riots she’s regressed.  That’s just horribly, horribly sad.  But hey, it’s convenient for Tyrion that Lollys won’t care much about who Shae is and where she came from.  Varys also reveals that there is a secret passage leading to Tyrion’s bedchamber so Shae might be able to visit.

  With all the important booty call business taken care of, Tyrion is able to refocus on Penrose’s demise.  According to Varys, he threw himself from a tower.  Some guards witnessed it.  Of course, we readers know that the second shadow baby was the culprit.  Varys seems to think something fishy is going to do.  Tyrion laughs it off.  This prompts Varys to tell the story of how he was cut.  It’s a doozy.

  Varys was an orphan boy apprenticed to a mummer’s troupe.  In Myr some creepy dude offered to pay Varys’ master a lot of money for him.  The master was a horrible person so he agreed to this.  The creepy guys made young Varys drink a potion that paralyzed him but didn’t dull his senses.  He cut off both the frank and the beans.  I don’t even possess those parts and that made me cringe.  I can’t imagine how the penis havers felt reading this.  Then Male Lorena Bobbitt threw the genitals on a brazier.  The flames turned blue and Varys heard a disembodied voice speaking in another language.

  After the ordeal, creepy spell casting dude had no further use for Varys and put him out on the streets.  This story just keeps getting more distressing.  Varys pulled himself up by his bootstraps, did whatever he needed to survive and eventually became a really good thief.  Murica!  Myr!  It was during this time Varys learned that secrets were more valuable than coins. 

  The moral of the story is, magic is evil and Varys hates it.  I think if he were in modern society he would become one of those anti circ nuts that always brigades comments section.  But this is Planetos and instead Varys is an anti-magic zealot.  Because of this Varys wants Stannis dead.  I’m filing this away as possible foreshadowing.  Will Varys be involved in Stannis or Melisandre’s eventual demise?  Time will tell.  Hopefully not too much time.

 

Catelyn VI

  On to more cheerful things.  Oh wait, no.  It’s a Cat chapter.  Never mind.  Edmure rides off to war.  Catelyn’s not particularly thrilled with this.  It leaves her in a funk and she starts reminiscing.  We learn more about her background.  Catelyn’s two older brothers died in infancy and then her mother died giving birth to Edmure.  Cat was always both the dutiful eldest child and she had to function as lady of Riverrun.  This explains why she’s always so serious.  She’s always been focused on doing her duty.

  Cat tells Brienne all about how difficult being separated from her children is.  Brienne thinks childbirth is just as difficult and dangerous as fighting war.  Which is a great point.

  Riverrun also receives the news that Cortnay Penrose is dead and Storm’s End is fallen.  This means Stannis has Robert’s bastard Edric Strom.  This leads to Cat to thinking about bastard.  She wonders how Jon’s mother felt about Ned’s death.  She contrasts Ned’s protectiveness of Jon to Roose’s attitude when news of Ramsay’s death reached him.  He was glad to be rid of Ramsay because “tainted blood is ever treacherous.”  Damn.  The Boltons are even colder than the Bushes.

  Cat’s thoughts are interrupted by news of Lannisters marching across the Red Fork.  They are led by one of Lord Brax’s sons.  It is only a small host and supposedly Riverrun is not endangered.  Cat and Brienne can sort of see and hear the ensuing battle from the tower.  Edmure and his men won easily.

  That night, more Lannisters show up.  With it being dark Cat is less able to figure out what’s happening.  However, Edmure is again victorious.  The next morning word arrives of another victory to the south.  Yay!  Of course, Catelyn isn’t thrilled.  She never really is.  She sends lots of wine down to Cleos Frey so he can be drunk when she questions him later. 

  Once Cleos is good and sloshed she pays a visit to his cell.  She threatens him into giving her information about Arya and Sansa.  He has to admit that he only saw Sansa in King’s Landing.  She tries not to think about the possibility that Arya is dead.

  Later more word comes of several more attempts to cross the Trident.  The Tully men beat them all back.  Catelyn wants to be happy but can’t.  She wonders why, if they are winning, is she so afraid?  Because GRRM is a big meanie?

 

Bran VI

  This chapter opens with Bran having a wolf dream.  Summer is hearing weird clinking and scraping noises.  Summer and Shaggydog are distressed and smell strange men.  Unfortunately the direwolves have been locked up.  Summer who is melded with Bran even tries to climb a tree to escape but can’t do it.  He falls and this shakes Bran awake.

  Bran is afraid.  He knows that Jojen’s dream about the sea flooding Winterfell is coming true.  Moments later, Theon busts in.  Oh Theon, fuck you.  He tells Bran he’s taken Winterfell and is now the prince.  Poor Bran is still a naïve kid and doesn’t quite get it.  So Theon informs him he is being taken to the great hall and had better say the right things.

  Luwin later comes for Bran.  He has a gash above his eye.  He tells Bran that the Iron Born have scaled the walls.  They killed Alebelly.  Just like Jojen predicted.  Luwin managed to get two ravens off with the news.  One was shot down, but the raven sent to White Harbor got away.  Luwin helps Bran dress and advises him to yield to protect the smallfolk.

  Once downstairs, Bran sees the Reeds and Big and Little Walder.  Little Walder is prickish as usual and gloats over Bran’s new status as a hostage.  Shut up L. Walder.  You suck and something bad will surely happen to you.  The direwolves are howlin in the distance.  Theon, ever the asshole, lords his victory over Bran and Rickon.  Several Winterfellians are hurt and/or traumatized.  One of the Iron Born brings Reek in.  Oh good.

  Theon tries to speak but Mikken keeps shouting.  Bran tells him to be quiet after some IB beat on Mikken a little.  Bran officially yields Winterfell to Theon and this is probably one of the saddest, shittiest things that happen in the whole series.  The Starks have held Winterfell for thousands of years.  This is just not right!

  Mikken will just not shut up.  He refuses to serve Theon and keeps getting more beat up.  Bran desperately wants him to shut the fuck up.  But he won’t.  Finally one of the IB kills him by driving a spear through his neck.  Poor Hodor is now extremely distressed and is Hodoring very loudly over and over.  He gets beaten too.  Noooo!!!

  Theon tells the assembly that he’ll be as good to them as Ned Stark was.  Ha!  But they’ll be sorry if they ever betray him.  Reek pledges him his fealty, and then Osha does too.  They both want their freedom.  Bran has the sads because he thought that Osha was a friend.  No little boy, she was a captive.  Duh.  Afterwards beaten up Hodor cries and carries Bran back to his bedchamber and I just want to die.

Deaths in this recap:  3.  Poor Cortnay Penrose and Alebelly didn’t even get to die on page.  Mikken went down like a bad ass though.

Cumulative deaths: 57

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  I go back and forth about whether taking Winterfell constitutes a betrayal, but what the hell.  Bran feels betrayed so I’m counting it.

Cumulative betrayals: 14

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

Fiery Bush

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:   Arya VIII, Catelyn V, Daenerys III

Booze in my flagon:  Today I’m going hipster c. 2005 and drinking PBR

 

Arya VIII

  Harrenhal is in chaos because Tywin is finally marching.  Arya has been running a whole lot of messages back and forth and Weese is being an insufferable asshole.  He tells Arya if she runs away he’ll give her to Vargo Hoat who likes to chop off limbs (ooh foreshadowing).  She’s been desperately looking for Jaqen H’ghar because she Tywin is taking the Mountain, Dunsen, Polliver, and Raff with him.

  Arya is sent to deliver a message to the armory.  There she sees Gendry and can’t help but notice his naked sweaty chest.  I feel you, girl.

Gendry is kind of a humorless dolt and doesn’t realize he’s a cover of a romance novel so all he wants to is scold Arya for yelling “Winterfell!” while fighting back at the holdfast, thus possibly giving away her identity.  It seems Hot Pie ratted her out.  Bad Hot Pie! In penance you shall make lots of wolf bread.  Oh right, that’s only in the show.

  On the way back to Weese, Arya overhears people gossiping about Robb.  They are discussing rumors that he is a warg with giants in his army.  For a minute she feels her Stark feels coming back to her but Weese comes up and interrupts her being an asshole as usual.  He even slaps her hard enough to make her taste blood.  Now she hates him.  Watch yourself Weese.

  While delivering yet another message she runs into Rorge who of course harasses in a most icky way.  Luckily he doesn’t do anything because she asks about Jaqen and he seems afraid of him.  He tells her Jaqen is in the bathhouse.  He’s lounging in the bath and despite how much her life sucks right now at least she gets plenty of eye candy today.  She whispers “Weese” in his here.  Gah!  This might be the only point in the series that I get mad at Arya.  She had a chance to take out Tywin!  Noooo!

  I guess it’s well deserved though.  At dinner time he catches her staring at him and smacks her, shoves her, and threatens to gouge out her eyes.  Classy.  Unfortunately, Jaqen doesn’t get him that night and he’s still terrorizing her in the morning.  As she watches Tywin and company march off she finally regrets her strategic blunder.  She runs off to find Jaqen to see if she can reverse her choice.  As she’s running she hears a loud shriek.  It’s Weese who had taken a fall and died.  Jaqen is leaning against the wall looking all sly.  She only has one kill left.

 

Catelyn V

  Two days ride from Riverrun Cat and Brienne run into a scout for the Freys.  Um, good?  She finds out the Blackfish has gone west with Robb so she has to settle for a visit to the camp of Martyn Rivers, one of Walder’s bastards.  Rivers tells her that he has orders to bring her back to Riverrun because with Tywin on the move it is not safe to be out roaming around.  This is troubling news.  Thanks Obama Arya! 

  The battle at Oxcross is recounted for the third.  Blah, blah, blah.  I guess I’m a stereotypical girl in a few ways because battle talk does not interest me at all.  It’s second only to poems and songs (looking at you Tolkien) in things I skim while reading fantasy.  Anyway, Cat is not pleased with the nasty rumor that Robb cut out Stafford Lannister’s heart and fed it to Grey Wind.  I would be quite pleased with that rumor actually, scaring your enemy has to be a good thing.

  That night, Brienne approaches Cat to ask her if she can be released.  She’s been quiet and socially awkward so far, not bonding with anyone so it isn’t a huge surprise.  Brienne wants to go back to Storm’s End.  To vengeance kill Stannis.  Cat convinces her not to by commiserating about her grief over Ned and convincing her to live in the now and all that Lifetime movie stuff.  Erm, sorry.  I’m bad with sentiment.  She wants Brienne to serve Robb and fight for him, but she would rather serve Catelyn.   She only asks that she not her back if she gets the opportunity to kill Stannis.  Catelyn agrees and Brienne pledges to serve her.

  When they get near Riverrun the next day Cat notices that camps are set up again.  It looks like Edmure is intending to fight Tywin there at the Red Fork.  This makes Cat nervous for some reason.  Probably because Edmure is kind of an idiot.  The walls of Riverrun are full of decomposing hanged Lannister men.  Yet another thing that makes Cat uneasy.  It seems like everything makes her uneasy.  She’s a little afraid that Jaime is one of those bodies.

  I just have to stop here and note that the book describes Edmure’s beard as a fiery bush.  Hahaha!  That sounds a whole lot like fire crotch to me.  Maybe I’m just gross.  Especially since fire crotch always conjures up images of a fire ant colony residing on someone’s crotch.

  Anyway…

  It turns out the hanged men were Cleos’ envoys.  They broke out Jaime who was retaken, but with some casualties.  This happened while Edmure was out whoring so this news puts Cat in, you guessed it, a bad mood.  Robb wanted her to go off to the Twins but she refuses because she wants to be with her dying father and does not want to have to pick Robb’s bride for him.  She also tells him she disapproves of his plan to fight Tywin.  Edmure’s all embarrassed to have s girl tell him what do.  Of course he is not swayed away from his bad ideas.

  She goes to visit Hoster.  Sadly, Hoster has dementia or something and thinks she is Lysa about to be married to Jon Arryn.  He speaks of some “wretched stripling” that Lysa wanted to be with, but Catelyn isn’t sure who that is.  In other depressing news, when she gets back to her bed chamber she finds that Ned’s bones have been delivered.  Sans ice.

 

Daenerys III

  Dany has been going about Qarth begging for ships and money and she keeps striking out.  IIRC this chapter has a lot of stuff of about the ins and outs of Quartheen society and politics.  It’s OK to read but I don’t feel the need to recap it because it isn’t all that important.  This might be a short one.  Basically, everything is fancy and the people are pale, cold and unempathetic.  Think of it as the ASOIAF version of one of those neighborhoods with a lot of huge McMansions and tacky cars.  The main thing to glean from this is that they have a guild of assassins called the Sorrowful Men who apologize before they kill you.  So you can’t fuck with any of the wealthy people in Qarth.  She hates being a beggar like Viserys but is grateful for the dragons.  And did I mention she’s wearing the fashionable dress of Qartheen ladies?  It’s a dress that lets one boob hang out.  I’d hate to see what one of those would like on me.

  Xaro has been nice housing Dany and her people but he won’t give her anything either.  Not unless she marries him.  He tries to claim he is into her, but he is obviously gay.  They stop to watch a firemage who is doing all sorts of neat fire tricks.  Quaithe creepily pops out of nowhere.  She tells Dany that this firemage used to have no fire game at all but all of a sudden he has power.  Quaithe claim it’s because of her and her waking of the dragons.  She also counsels Dany to get out of Qarth and go to Asshai instead.

  Later, back at Xaro’s manse Dany is talking to Jorah.  He has found out why Xaro wants to marry her.  The Qartheen have a wedding custom that allows each spouse to ask the other for one gift.  That gift can not be refused.  He’s trying to trick her into giving him a dragon.  She decides to leave town.  But first she will go to Pyat Pree and the warlocks

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Weese.  I won’t miss you, child beater.

Cumulative deaths: 51

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 13

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

.

The first (men) fisting

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Sansa III, Catelyn IV, Jon IV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Noir

 

Sansa III

  The Hound has come to fetch Sansa and bring her to a meeting with Joffrey.  That always goes well.  Sansa’s dress is getting tight across her chest because she’s getting boobies.  The Hound tells her Robb has done something to piss Joffrey off.  When they get to Joffrey he has a crossbow and there’s a dying cat with a crossbow in it lying on the ground.  Somehow I managed to block that part out the first three times I read it.  Now it’s burned in my brain and I am not at all pleased.

  Robb’s treason was staging a sneak attack on Ser Stafford Lannister, Tywin’s brother and killing him along with thousands of Lannister men.  Joffrey via that lickspittle Lancel claimed that Robb attacked with an army of wargs and they all feasted on the flesh of the Lannister soldiers.  I’m pretty sure that’s bullshit though.  Joffrey says he wants to kill Sansa but his mommy won’t let him so he’ll only punish her.

  He has Ser Boros Blount beat her.  But not in the face because Joffrey likes her pretty.  Ugh.  Not enough nopes in the realm for this.  The Hound implores Joffrey to put a stop to it but obviously that doesn’t work.  Of course, it gets even worse as Boros rips her damn dress off.

  Luckily the proceedings are interrupted by Tyrion.  He tells Joffrey off, threatens to have Boros killed if he won’t shut his stupid mouth, and most humiliating of all, he threatens to send for Joffrey’s mommy.

  Tyrion has Sansa escorted back to the tower of the hand with him so she can be a little safer.  She realizes she’s been placed in Arya’s old bedchamber.  He informs her that not only Stafford Lannister, but several Westerland lords have been killed or captured.  That’s why Joffrey was throwing his Beiberesque tantrum.  He promises to put an end to the betrothal between she and Joffrey.

  Sansa wants to get back to her old bedchamber so she can get out and find Dontos in the godswood.  She lies and tell Tyrion that being in the tower of the hand would give her nightmares.  This works.  Suck it Sansa haters.  She isn’t stupid at all!

 

Catelyn IV

   Catelyn goes to a sept in a little village to pray and angst and guilt.  While praying to the Mother she feels a bit of empathy with Cersei of all people.  She realizes that she might kill to protect her own children.  Hmm.  Foreshadowing?

  She heads back to Renly’s camp and enters his tent.  Brienne is helping to prepare him for battle and Lords Rowan and Tarly are there to talk strategy.  They are confident Renly will win because he outnumbers Stannis’ men but they also know he will never yield.  Catelyn wants a word with Renly so he sends the lords away.

  She tells Renly she suspects the incest story is true and Bran caught them in flagrante delicto and that’s why he was defenestrated.  She wants Renly to join with Stannis and Robb and set aside their crowns to convene a great council and expose the incest to the realm.  This is actually a great idea, but we all this is going to get shot down because it would interfere with the Baratheon egos.  Nice try Cat.

  Catelyn is starting to beg when some spooky breezes and shadows enter the tent.  She notices that the shadow is moving independently of Renly and doesn’t belong to him.  It also gets cold in the tent.  There’s a very Ghost Adventures vibe.

Of course, Zak and the others shit their pants every time a draft goes through the creaky old buildings they “investigate” so I don’t think they could deal with what’s coming.

  The shadow takes its shadow sword and straight up slits Renly in the throat.  Brienne goes to catch him and he dies in her arms.  Brienne screamed which attracted the attention of his guards Robar Royce and Emmon Cuy who come rushing in.  They accuse Brienne of murdering Renly.  Cat tries to stop them and explain but they don’t listen and rush Brienne.  Luckily, Brienne is a BAMF and she manages to fight off and kill an unnamed guardsmen and knock over Cuy.  Cat finally convinces Robar that Brienne is innocent and he lets them escape.

  Catelyn believes the shadow was Stannis.  Brienne is on board with theory and vows to kill him.  They sneak out in the chaos with the rest of the northerners.  She realizes that all or most of Renly’s men belong to Stannis now and she remembers Stannis’ threat that Robb’s day will come as well.

 

Jon IV

  The Night’s Watch arrives at the Fist of the First Men.  It’s a big hill in the middle of the forest.  I always picture something similar to the Devil’s Tower in Wyoming.  Ghost refuses to climb to the top of the fist.  Apparently, Jon has not watched many horror movies or he would know you should always trust canine instincts.  They make camp and plan to wait there for Qhorin Halfhand, a really good fighter/ranger from the Shadow Tower to the west of Castle Black.

  The Fist was a fort of the First Men during the Dawn Age thousands of years ago and their are henges or cairns or something placed all around.  Thoren Smallwood notes that it is an old place and Mormont’s raven agrees and echoes the word old which is always kind of ominous.

  Jon goes back down the hill to fid Ghost and he appears right away.  He still won’t let Jon take him back up.  Hint, hint Jon!  Could it be any clearer?  He does get creeped out but tells himself to put on his big boy panties and ignore those instincts in favor of manly stoicism.

  Later Jon prepares spiced wine for Mormont and his advisors and listens to their strategies.  They do not want to go in the freezing cold Frostfang mountains and figure that Mance and the wildlings will be driven down by the inhospitable weather and will thus be seen by the NW.  The NW are going to be in a holding pattern for a while.

  After Mormont goes to bed, Jon goes out to the cookfire to get supper.  Dywen who is the cook is uneasy too.  He smells a cold smell and doesn’t like it.  The others are laughing Dywen off, but Jon smells it too and it reminds him of the smell the night the wights attacked at Castle Black.

  Later that night, Ghost finally goes up to the camp, but only to get Jon to follow him elsewhere.  Ghost leads him down the hill and partially around the base of the fist.  Ghost finds a mound and starts digging.  He has dug up a cache of weapons, knives, arrowheads and spearheads wrapped in an old NW cloak.  The weapons are made of obsidian AKA dragonglass.  There is also an ancient and janky warhorn made of auroch horn and bronze.  Very spooky and mysterious.  See Jon, trust the canine instincts.  Always.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor dumb Renly.  He never knew what hit him.

Cumulative deaths: 46

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

Pie Romancer

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion V, Bran III, Catelyn II

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Tyrion V

  Tyrion goes to visit Hallyne the Pyromancer at the Guildhall of the Alchemists.  The alchemists used to be the go to guys for medicine and advice, but the maesters were the Cady Herron to the alchemists Regina George and replaced them.  However, there are still alchemists left and they know the spells it takes to make a weapon called wildfire.  It’s a highly flammable substance that produces green flames that can’t be put out with water or stop, drop and rolling.  You just have to wait for it to burn itself out.  It’s a deadly weapon, but obviously hard to control.

  Tyrion orders 10,000 pots of wildfire and 3,000 empty pots for the soldiers to use for practice.  Then he leaves with his escort of Timett and a bunch of Burned Men.  There’s been lots of unrest in King’s Landing.  A hungry mob recently descended upon the Red Keep.  Bronn is also there and he has summons from Jacelyn Bywater of the Gold Cloaks and Cersei,

  Tyrion goes to Jacelyn first because he prefers to meet with Cersei when she’s pissed off as it makes her kind of stupid and impulsive.  Jacelyn has Cleos Frey with the peace terms from Robb.  He tells Tyrion that the Riverlands are a hellish wartorn shithole and that Catelyn was the one interested in peace, not Robb.  He tells him to wait until he consult with Cersei to draw up their own peace terms.

  When Tyrion gets back to the Tower of the Hand, Cersei is waiting for him predictably pissed off.  She’s mostly upset about the deal to send Myrcella to Dorne.  That means Pycelle has been tattling.  She gets worked up enough to smack him upside the head.  When Tyrion tries to convince her that Myrcella would be safer there, Cersei starts crying.  This is a confusing turn of events because until now she seemed to lack feelings.  Still, she won’t let Tyrion comfort her.  It’s not a hug and cry and learn and grow moment (I stole that phrase from Faith).

He manages to calm her down with the letter from Robb and knows he’ll get his way concerning Myrcella.

 

Bran III

  Bran is starting to enjoy playing lord of Winterfell.  He likes getting cheered by the smallfolk and holding feasts.  Two new guests arrive.  Meera and Jojen Reed from Greywater Watch.  The children of Ned’s good friend Howland.  Meera is the elder.  She is dressed like a boy.  Jojen is younger and very frail.  They reswear the oath their house made to the Starks thousands of years ago.

  Bran has a wolf dream later that night.  In this dream Jojen and Meera are there.  Jojen knows it isn’t the day he will die and is not afraid of a direwolf attack.  Clearly Jojen has a creepy horror movie kid thing going on.

 

Catelyn II

  Cat is angsting about wanting to reunite with her children. She and her escort are on the way to treat with Renly.  That afternoon the party is met by Renly’s outriders and they are taken to his camp.  His camp is huge and so is his army.  As they approach Renly’s tent they see that a melee is in progress.  Cat thinks it unseemly that a for fun party fight is going on when there is a real war to fight.

  Renly is watching the fight.  He looks really fabulous and not at all gay.  We now get our first introduction to his new wife Margaery of house Tyrell.  She is pretty, but since she has brown hair and eyes she obviously isn’t too pretty.  Loras is fighting really well and almost wins, but he ends up getting beaten by a mysterious blue clad knight.

  Surprise!  The blue knight is not a man.  It is Brienne of house Tarth.  She’s super big and tall and regarding as kind of a manbeast.  She has a plain face and is socially awkward, so of course nobody really likes her.  All Brienne wants as her prize is to be a member of Renly’s Rainbow Guard (really George?) which is his version of the Kingsguard.

  After Renly agrees to that, he is introduced to Catelyn.  Renly declares that he will avenge Ned’s death by presenting her Cersei’s head.  Cat tells him the news that Jaime is a prisoner at Riverrun.  He tells Cat he will speak to her later when she rests and refreshes herself.  She is assigned a fancy schmancy tent.

  Later, she goes to his pavilion for dinner.  Renly keeps things classy, but she thinks his bannermen are fools who aren’t taking this war business seriously enough.  She has to be a buzzkill and note that they are the knights of summer and winter is coming, and they won’t be so carefree for long.  It’s kind of annoying, but she has a point.

  Renly invites Cat for a walk after dinner.  He boasts about the strength of his army.  Catelyn points out that Stannis technically has the better claim but Renly doesn’t have any fucks to spare about that.  Renly points out that Robert had no right to take the throne either.  The right of conquest is what matters.  Fair enough?

  He tells Cat that he will only form an alliance with Robb if he drops the bid for northern independence.  Then they are interrupted by a messager  Stannis has besieged Storm’s End.

 

Deaths in this recap:  0.  An uneventful triad!

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Pycelles rats out Tyrion

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

How not to keep a hostage

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Arya II, Jon I, Catelyn I

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

This might be a short post because I’ve been sick and I don’t know if I’m up for five whole chapters.  We’ll see.

 

Arya II

  The Night’s Watch recruits keeps moving north along the king’s road.  All the other travelers they see are going south.  That can’t be a good sign.  One woman even tells them that they are fools and will be killed.  Eventually they start seeing a shit ton of fresh graves.  They stop at an inn.  Arya doesn’t dare take a bath and reveal her peenless state even though she is super stanky.  The innkeeper tells Yoren that it’s a bad idea to go north.  The fields are burnt, the villages are destroyed and it isn’t safe.

  I know this blog is meant to be on the lighthearted snarky side, but I’d like to say that I really appreciate that GRRM does not shy away from how terrible war is.  Usually stories focus on the glories and defeats of the higher ups.  That’s also true in the media depictions of real life wars.  Rarely does anyone talk about how devastating war is for the little people.  It usually gets glossed over in fantasy.  The realistic portrayal of how horrific war actually is, is one of the major reasons why I love this series.

  Arya listens to gossip about the various factions.  Also there are a pack of (literal not Stark) wolves roaming around the Riverlands eating all the livestock and not fearing men. There are hundreds of them.  The implication is that these wolves are led by Nymeria.  One man alleges that Nymeria went into a village and stole a baby.  Arya gets pissed about this and protests.  Yoren makes her leave.

  Outside, the cage of three manacled creepers start calling out to her.  The hot one with the red and white striped hair merely wants beer and a bath.  The noseless one acts creepy and the one with filed teeth hisses at her.  The hottie disavows them as not his chosen companions.  His name is Jaqen H’ghar of the free city of Lorath.  He says the noseless creeper is named Rorge and the hisser is named Biter.  Rorge threatens to sodomize Arya with a stick because he’s such an awesome person.  Briter tries to attack and she pops him between the eyes!

  Gendry interrupts them and makes her get away from the cage o evil mutants.  Of course, Arya being Arya gets all defensive and wants to fight him.  Then they see the gold cloaks of the city watch coming up the road.  Arya has them duck down behind a hedge.  She tells him they are after her.

  The officer wants the boy and Yoren is refusing.  The gold cloak says he will take their boy by force, but he only has five back up soldiers and all the NW recruits step up to protect their fellow recruits.  Even Hot Pie.  Arya jumps up to join the defense and so does Gendry.  Then it is revealed that Gendry is the one they are after.  The GC realize they’re outnumbered and ride back to King’s Landing.

  Yoren knows they’ll return in greater numbers so he urges everyone to get ready to flee.  Arya and Gendry are suspicious of each other because they don’t realize why the other one would be sought after.  Actually, poor dumb Gendry doesn’t even know why he’s wanted.

 

Jon I

  Jon wakes up Sam who’s been studying in the NW library.  He was sent to find maps of beyond the Wall.  They discuss the ranging they have to on.  Sam is pants pissing scared and Jon tries to comfort him, but he’s scared too.

  Jon reflects on the news that Robb is now a king.  He tries to pretend he’s not jelly, but he is.  Jon goes to see Mormont and the new first ranger (by his own estimation) Thoren (named after the dwarf in The Hobbit?) Smallwood is there.  He is trying to convince LC Mormont that the LC’s place is at Castle Black not a ranging.  Mormont doesn’t give any craps and informs Thoren that he isn’t the boss and opinion doesn’t matter.  Mormont says that Benjen is still first ranger until he’s proven dead.  Mormont tells Jon the story of how Aemon was offered the crown and refused to take it.  Take that how you will.

  Mormont’s raven keeps saying “king” and Jon thinks it means Mormont is meant to be crowned a king.  Oh, Jon.  You silly!  Mormont points out that both Jon and Aemon have a king for a brother in common,  Hm.  He calls Jon out on wanting to have the same prestige as Robb, but Jon vows to keep his oath.

 

Catelyn I

  Hoster’s blacksmith has just finished Robb’s crown.  It’s bronze and iron with no gems and frippery.  Robb is brought acaptive.  It’s Cleos Frey.  He’s on team Lannister because his mother Genna is Tywin’s sister.  They want him to carry a message to Cersei declaring their peace terms.  Robb makes Cleos swear to return and he will be sending an escort to make sure he keeps that vow.

  Robb’s terms are that he will release the Lannister boys but keep Jaime hostage.  Cersei will release Arya (ha!) and Sansa and Tywin has to release his hostages.  Robb also demands northern independence.  Lord Karstark is lurking in the back and stalks out all pissed off.  Robb knows some of his bannermen won’t like any truce arrangement.

  Cat points out that Cersei won’t agree to a hostage trade unless it included Jaime.  Robb knows he can’t give him up even though emotionally speaking he and Cat both want Sansa and Arya back.  They’re only girls after all.  Blech.

  Robb wants Cat to go to the Twins to pick out his wife, but she doesn’t want to.  He is also planning on sending Theon back home to the Iron Islands to negotiate with his father Balon.  She points out that Theon is a hostage and sending him would be effectively releasing him.  Robb trust Theon however.  Dumbass.

  Catelyn and Blackfish are talking war things.  Blackfish says that Amory Lorch who murdered Rhaenys Targaryen is now afoot along with Gregor Clegane.  Also, Tywin as hired the Bloody Mummers, some sociopathic mercenaries led by Vargo Hoat.  They need help.  Catelyn decides she must go negotiate with Renly.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  I’m not sure I mentioned it, but Praed the NW recruit dies on the road.

Cumulative deaths: 37

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Fire! Fire! Heh, heh, cool

Book I am reading: AGOT the conclusion!

Chapters: Jon X, Catelyn XI, Daenerys X

Booze in my flagon:  Vodka and diet Sunkist (better than it sounds)

 

Jon X

  Jon decides to run away from home.  Sam is begging him not to go because he’s worried that he’ll end up like Mark Paul Gosselar in that 1990’s TV movie about teen runaways.  Or get beheaded by the NW.  But Jon is determined to go join Robb and avenge Ned.  Jon gets pretty far, past Mole’s town where the underground brothel is.  Eventually though he realizes Ghost is no longer keeping up with his horse.  He calls for Ghost and waits a half hour for him to return.

  After awhile, Jon hears the sounds of horses coming from the north.  It’s Grenn, Pyp, Toad, and Halder.  Jon tries to hide but Ghost bounds up to them and gives him away.  Jon refuses to go back with them, but they surround him and chant the NW vow at him.  He surrenders and makes plans to leave at some other time.

  The next morning, LC Mormont lets Jon know he knows about the desertation attempt.  Aemon apparently got super perception powers to compensate for his blindness and warned Mormont he would try it.  Maybe not super perception.  Maybe it’s just that emo guys think they’re far more mysterious than they really are.  Mormont has also worked out that Jon wants to run away at some other time.  He points out that Jon is being really self centered.  He isn’t that amazing of a warrior and Mormont’s own sister Maege is probably marching off to war with Robb. 

  Finally, Mormont points out that the war against Mance Rayder and his wilding army and the Others is more important.  Jon and Ghost are needed to go on a hug ranging beyond the Wall to look for Benjen and all the missing rangers.  Jon decides to get his shit together and he promises not to run off again.

 

Catelyn XI

  Catelyn, Robb, et al have reached Riverrun.  Cat’s younger brother Edmure and a Tully bannerman who helped capture Jaime named Tytos Blackwood are there to greet them.  Cat is told that her father Hoster is bedridden and dying.  She is pissed that nobody told her what was going on, but Hoster wanted it kept secret that he was ill so the Tullys didn’t look too weak.

  Cat and Edmure go to visit Hoster in his bedchamber.  He looks very frail and ill.  She tells him that they freed Riverrun and captured Jaime.  He wants to see Robb for the first time since he was a baby, but he’s less thrilled about seeing Blackfish.  Blackfish still refuses to marry and there is tension between the two.  Oh, Hoster.  Blackfish doesn’t want a wife.  He was born this way.  You can’t change it.  First though, he wants to nap.

  Cat goes down to the godswood where Robb is brooding.  Just like daddy used to.  He’s praying with the other lords (and Maege Mormont) who keep the old gods.  When Robb is done he shares with her the new that Renly has made a claim for the IT.

  Later, they convene a war council.  They argue over whether to support Stannis, Renly or to kill Joffrey and let Tommen, who isn’t evil succeed him.  Catelyn wants to offer peace terms.  However, all the dudebros would rather have vengeance.  They declare that they will never call a Lannister their king.  Greatjon Umber stands up and bellows that he will only bow to one king.  Robb.  The King in the North.  He wants the north to be independent again.  The other lords agree.  They chant “the King in the North!”

  And don’t you forget it!

 

Daenerys X

  Dany is having a pyre built.  She intends to burn Mirri Maz Duur.  Mirri calls her an ignorant ho for trying to mess with bloodmagic.  She isn’t trying to hear that and she has Jhogo whip her.  Dany’s future bloodriders are piling all of Drogo’s possessions on the pyre.

  Jorah is also trying to stop her.  Dany only cares that he had the gall to call her princess.  Now that Viserys is dead, she’s his motherfucking queen!  She tells him not to worry about her burning.  She knows what she’s doing.

  Dany gathers all the people that are left.  She tells the slaves that they are free to leave or to follow her.  She tries to get Jhogo, Aggo and Rakharo to become bloodriders but they don’t want a girl for a boss.  She names Jorah her queensguard and he gives her an oath of fealty.

  To get ready for the funeral pyre Dany takes a scalding bath.  I don’t know why because the fire is going to burn off anything germy on her body anyway.  Her handmaidens dress her.  Once again she has crotch perfume dabbed on her.  Again I ask, is this an actual thing or does GRRM have some sort of fetish for scented labia?  Anyways, she takes it upon herself to dress Drogo up and braid his hair.

  Finally it is time.  Drogo is carried to the pyre.  Dany also puts the dragons eggs on the pyre.  Jorah is against it of course.  Dany doesn’t care, of course.  Lastly, Mirri is put on the pyre and covered in oil.  Mirri says she will not scream.

  As they are about to light the pyre, Jhogo spots a red comet in the sky.  Dany interprets it at as a strong sign.  They light the fire.  Mirri sings and then starts to scream.  It reaches Drogo and then the pyre gets so hot everyone else is driven back.  Dany however “stands her ground.”  Like George Zimmerman?

  Dany is overtaken with the urge to step into the fire.  Her clothes are burning, but she somehow isn’t.  She stays in the fire until it dies off.  She isn’t burned at all.  Her dragon eggs have hatched.  There is a cream/gold dragon and a green/bronze dragon at each breast and a black/red one around her shoulders.

  Everybody is freaking out, but in a good way.  Everyone who stuck around is now a loyal follower of the mother of dragons.

Beavis would certainly follow her!

A Game of Thrones ends with the sound of dragons crying for the first time in hundreds of years.

 

At last!  This book took awhile to recap and I’m pretty sure it’s the shortest one.  I look forward to starting A Clash of Kings in a few days, or maybe tomorrow if I feel like drinking and blogging while I’m home sick with a cold.  It only gets crazier from here.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Mirri Maz Durr.

Cumulative deaths: 35.  35 characters died in a single book.  Wow!  This is probably the tames of the 5 so I can only imagine how big this number will get.

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1. Jon nearly violates his oath

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Ned’s Head Edition

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Daenerys VII, Tyrion VIII, Catelyn X, Daenerys VIII, Arya V

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Daenerys VII

  Drogo’s khalasar has raided and defeated the Lhazareen, or as the Dothraki call them the Lamb People.  The Lamb People eat a vegetarian diet.  This apparently means they are wusses.  Drogo also kicked the ass of Khal Ogo’s khalasar.  Ogo had already been raiding the Lamb People when Drogo’s Khalasar came upon them.  Drogo didn’t come to much harm.  He only has a few cuts.  Phew!  Now nothing can go wrong.

  Dany sees a young woman being gang raped.  It’s upsetting because she missed the memo that raping usually accompanies pillaging.  She forces herself to look away and ride on.  Jorah tells Dany that he recommended selling the 10,000 captives from this raid to Meereen for slavery.  This is also upsetting for Dany, but she figures it is the price of Iron Throne.  Yikes.

  The girl who is being raped is still making a bunch of heartrending cries and harshing everyone’s war buzz.  Finally, Dany can take no more and decides to command that the Dothraki cut it out.  All the Dothraki are confused by this command because Lamb People are nothing important, but she stands firm.  Jorah compares her favorably to her brother Rhaegar.

  Can I just mention how much this chapter is pissing off the spell check?  This entire post has been red squiggles.

  All of the mess described above was before they even entered the town.  Inside the town it is worse.  Headless corpses are everywhere and lots of other women are being raped.  Dany has all the women rescued.

  When she meets up with Drogo, it turns out the small scratch is a missing nipple.  Ouch!  The khalasar members are complaining to Drogo that she took their spoils.  Drogo doesn’t understand why she stopped the rapings.  He does end up backing her, but thinks she’s fierce because his son is in her belly.  Shut up Drogo.

  Dany is concerned about Drogo’s wound.  One of the women she rescued volunteers to help.  Her name is Mirri Maz Durr and she is a godswife, which is some kind of maegi.  She learned magical arts from many people.  One of them was a Westrosi maester named Marwyn who was in Asshai while she was there.  She removes the arrow from his boob and puts a poultice on the wound.

 

Tyrion VIII

  Tyrion is having a tense dinner with Tywin.  The Lannister host and the Stark host are now about a days march from each other.  Kevan and Tywin want to put Tyrion’s hill folk in the vanguard when they meet in battle.  Tyrion has the awkward realization that Tywin just wants to get rid of them all.

  Tyrion tells them about how the different hill clans have been fighting amongst themselves.  Tywin extra bitchily says that the fault lies with the commander when the army is undisciplined.  Then he smugly informs Tyrion that he will command, but serve under Gregor.

  Tyrion stalks off and returns to camp.  Bronn has secured a whore for him.  Her name is Shae.  He tells her he wants the girlfriend experience and will give lots of money if she stays with him and doesn’t have any other clients.  She calls him “my giant of Lannister” without a trace of (detectable) irony and of course he loves that.

  The next morning he wakes up early to a war going on outside.  The Starks snuck up in the night.  He rushes out and falls in with his hill folk.  There’s a bunch of heraldry porn I’m not about to go into here.

  There’s lots of Stark armies, but Tyrion doesn’t see Robb anywhere.  The fighting begins and Tyrion manages to fight by being all sneaky and small.  The Lannisters had the bigger army and they win.  Tyrion and Bronn survived.  Ulf and Conn of the hill folk died, but Shagga, Chella and Timett survived.  Tywin’s bannerman Addam Marbrand arrives with news.  They captured Lord Cerwyn, Wylis Manderly and Harrion Karstark.  Lord Hornwood has died.  They captured four Frey’s and Roose Bolton escaped.  Robb Stark on the other hand is heading for Riverrun.

 

Catelyn X

  Catelyn is waiting in the Whispering Wood with her guard Hallis Mollen and thirty swords.  They’re to escape to Winterfell if the fighting goes against them.  Robb and the majority of his army are sneaking up on Jaime and his forces.  The other army sent against Tywin was a diversion.  They hear the battle, but don’t see it.

  Robb wins.  Jaime has been captured.  Theon wants him to execute Jaime.  He’s a dumbass.  Robb knows he is more valuable as a hostage.  He’s led away to be chained in irons.  Robb tells Cat that both of Lord Rickard Karstark’s sons Torrhen and Eddard died in the battle.  So did Daryn Hornwood.  This means both male Hornwoods are dead and the house is left without an heir,  Robb feels guilty about these deaths and Cat councils him to honor them and move on because shit still needs to get done.  Why do people say she’s too emotional again?

 

Daenerys VIII

  It’s hot as hell out.  Flies are circling all around Drogo.  He usually Hulk smashes them, but today he isn’t reacting.  It seems his wound got infected and he’s suffering from sepsis.  Six days earlier he had stupidly torn of Mirri’s healing poultice because it was itchy.  Finally he falls off his horse.  She insists that they make camp where Drogo fell and has Qotho fetch Mirri for her.

  While they’re waiting, Jorah informs Dany that they should flee right now.  Drogo is about to die and the Dothraki don’t care about inheritance.  Once Drogo dies, the strongest man will become the leader.  Yay meritocracy?  Jorah says they will kill Rhaego as soon as he is born so the prophecy won’t come true and threaten them.  Dany refuses to abandoned her man.

  Mirri comes into the tent and notices that Drogo’s wound has festered.  Well duh.  Qotho and Haggo start to beat her up because that’s how pleasant and reasonable chaps resolve problems.  Dany stops them and they leave.  Jorah very insightfully guesses they might pose a threat to Dany.

  Mirri says Drogo’s illness is now beyond her healing powers.  Another poultice isn’t cutting it.  The only way is a dark magic spell Mirri learned from a shadowmage in Asshai.  There is a price and only death can pay for life.  Dany asks if that means her death and Mirri says no.  Dany consents to this black magic spell without asking whose life must be sacrificed.  There’s no way that will bite her in the ass.

  Drogo’s bloodrider Jhogo is super nervous and wants to kill Mirri because black magic is forbidden.  Dany won’t hear it and she has Drogo’s horse brought in to be bled for Mirri’s spell.  Mirri orders everybody else, including Dany out of the tent.  From outside, she can hear Mirri wailing creepily and they can all see shapes dancing with her.

  Qotho decides to kill Mirri and then Dany.  Jorah fights him.  While this is going on Dany starts getting awful cramps.  Jorah kills Qotho, Aggo kills Cohollo and Rakharo kills Haggo.  She passes out in Jorah’s arms as he carries her to the tent to be treated by Mirri.

 

Arya V

  Arya is living in the streets of King’s Landing and is reduced to catching a pigeon with her hands.  She tries to trade the pigeon for a tart, but the vendor tells her to piss right off.  Arya has been wanting to leave the city but all the gates are under guard so she has to live as a street urchin in Flea Bottom the slum of King’s Landing.  All her valuables got stolen right away so she’s impoverished.  It’s sort of like a TV movie about teen runaways.  Like that amazing 90’s movie starring Mark Paul Gosselar (Zach Morris!).  But I digress…

  The bells start to ring.  Just like they did when Robert died.  People tell her that Ned is being taken to the sept of Baelor.  Ned is up at the sept with Joffrey, Cersei, the Hound, Varys, and Sansa.

  Ned confesses to treason and Arya is super upset.  Everyone in the crowd is taunting and booing.  The crowd starts pelting him with stones for no good reason other than that people are assholes.  The high septon makes some boring speech about mercy.

  Joffrey talks about how Queen Regent Cersei and Sansa want to let Ned take the black.  But they have the “soft hearts of women” according to Joffrey and he wants to be manly and so he asks Ilyn Payne to bring him Ned’s head.  Varys and Cersei try to stop it, but Joffrey doesn’t listen.

  At this point Arya is trying to run through the crowd and get to Ned.  She can hear Sansa screaming, but can’t cut through all the hordes of people.  She notices that Ilyn has Ice.   Suddenly an older man grabs her out of the crowd, restrains her and keeps her from looking.  She remembers that it’s Yoren.  She doesn’t see Ned’s beheading.

  Sorry.  I couldn’t make that chapter funny.

Sad in the Rain (Doctor Who)

 

Deaths in this recap:  10.  Ulf, Conn, Lord Hornwood, Torrhen and Eddard Karstark, Daryn Hornwood, Qotho, Haggo, Cohollo and of course our first major death of the series, Eddard Stark.

Cumulative deaths: 33

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 2.  Since it’s pretty clear Tywin sent his son Tyrion to die, I’m calling that a betrayaled was told his life would be spared if he confessed.  Joffrey went back on it. 

Cumulative betrayals: 8

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Crouching Tyrion, hidden dragon(s)

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Tyrion VII, Sansa V, Eddard XV, Catelyn IX, Jon IX

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Tyrion VII

  Tyrion and his stank ass clan people plus Bronn ride up to Tywin Lannister’s camp.  We get two full pages about how gross and uncivilized the hill folk are.  Then we get a couple of page describing the vastness of the Lannister camp, which is set up at the crossroads.  The place where Tyrion was taken by Cat.  Masha, the innkeeper has been hung for no good reason and crows are eating her decaying corpse.  This is when we first hear the joke about Tywin shitting gold.

  Tywin does not seem to give any gold flecked shits that Tyrion hasn’t been killed.  Tywin is very cold and intimidating and is making  Tyrion nervous.  Tywin can’t wait to point out that golden (handed) child Jaime would have never been captured by a woman and they are going to war for the honor of the house.  Not Tyrion’s welfare.  Father of the year folks!

  So far the war effort has been going well for the Lannisters and Tywin isn’t very worried about Robb because he’s a green boy.  Tyrion learns that Robb is dead and Ned is a hostage.  Tywin wants Tyrion to get rid of Beric Dondarrion, Thoros and their men who are still fighting against the Lannister foraging parties.  Tyrion starts asking for armor for his hill folk to wear when Shagga bursts in and disarms the Lannister guard.  His stink is riper and stronger than the cheese they are eating.  Stop trying to make me cut back on dairy GRRM.

  Tyrion introduces the hill folk to Tywin and Tywin’s lackey/brother Kevan.  They are interrupted again to be told that the Stark army is approaching.  Tywin manipulates the hill folk into agreeing to be on the frontline and tae Tyrion with them.

 

Sansa V

  Sansa has been given freedom of the castle.  It means she can move around, but she has guards following her at all times.  She is attending Joffrey’s first court session.  A lot of the usuals are mysteriously absent and those that are there keep their distance from her.

  Pycelle reads off a giaganamous list of lords and ladies that are commanded to come give fealty.  it’s all the people in rebellion.  He then names Tywin the new Hand.  Cersei is named the next regent.  That’ll go well.  For turning on Ned, Janos Slynt is given the title of Lord and given Harrenhal in place of Cat’s relative and Tully bannerwoman Shella Whent who has yielded.  It’s never explained where Lady Whent went and it kind of drives me crazy.

  Then, Barristan Selmy is called forward.  Cersei fires him because he’s old and failed to keep either Robert, or Aerys before him safe.  Jaime is to be the new Lord Commander.  Selmy is super pissed that a kingslayer is taking his post.  He tosses his cloak and armor to the floor and rejects the offer of a keep to retire in.  He tells them all he could cut them if he wanted, but he won’t, he’ll just let Stannis take the throne.  Instead he tosses his sword on the ground and melodramatically storms off.

  Somebody needs to fill the KG back up to seven.  That somebody is Sandor Clegane even though he isn’t a knight.

she doesn't even go here mean girls gif

  Now it is time for people to bring their business to the king.  Sansa speaks up to ask for mercy for Ned.  Sansa blames the treason on Ned being crunk on milk of the poopy (typo and it stays).  In an obvious dog and pony show Joffrey, Cersei, Varys, Pycelle and Littlefinger all agree that Ned should get mercy if he confesses.

 

Eddard XV

  Ned has been in a urine soaked dungeon cell.  Ned is finally starting to get real with himself and realizing he has been naïve and trusting.  He’s mad at everyone, but most of all himself.  Yeah.  Me too.  Well, I’m not angry Ned, just disappointed.  After being left alone with no food or water for a long time, Ned is finally woken by a gaoler who offers him a jug of water.  He is delirious and dreams about his sister Lyanna and the time Rhaegar Targaryen crowned her queen of love and beauty after winning the tourney at Harrenhal.

  Finally, Varys disguised as a gaoler comes to offer Ned wine and a chat.  He informs Ned that Arya has escaped and nobody can find her and that Sansa is being watched by Cersei.  He also informs her that Tyrion is free.

  Ned asks if Varys will free him.  He says no, it wouldn’t suit him.  He desires peace and freeing Ned wouldn’t accomplish that.  He tells him that Robb is marching and Cersei has more use for a tame wolf than a dead one.  He urges Ned to confess to treason to save Sansa’s life and serve the realm.

 

Catelyn IX

  Catelyn, Robb and his host are marching from the neck towards the Twins.  The Twins are held by lord Walder Frey.  Frey is very old and cranky.  In most stories the prickly, mean old man is revealed to have a heart of gold under all his curmudgeonly exterior.  Not this story.  Frey is supposed to be Hoster Tully’s bannerman, but that doesn’t mean he’ll have Robb and Cat’s back.  They need his approval to cross the bridge over the Trident river.  Theon thinks they could take the Twins if they needed to.  Cat disagrees.  They have no time for a siege because Tywin is too close.

  The Blackfish comes back from a scouting mission to inform them that there’s been fighting at Riverrun and Cat’s brother Edmure has been taken prisoner.  This makes it all the more urgent that they cross the river.  Robb starts to get all impetuous and declares they’ll storm the Twins.  Cat chastises him and tells him they need to find out what Frey wants first.

  Once they get to the Twins, a dozen men led by Walder’s heir Stevron Frey come out to meet them.  After some discussion as to who should go and treat with Walder, Cat volunteers.  She enters the hall of the castle and a bajillion of his kids and grandkids are there.  Walder is on his eighth wife, who is young, so there have been many heirs.  He’s like the Larry King of Westeros.  My pop culture references are not always timely.  Sorry.

  Walder wants to dispense with all pleasantries.  Predictably, he is not receptive to opening up the bridge for nothing.  He doesn’t care about the oaths he swore to her father.  He just wants to complain about how nobody respects him or wants to marry his fugly kids.  If Walder Frey were alive today he’d right at home making angry old white man complaints in the comments section of Fox News or Yahoo.

  Finally they come to an agreement.  Frey will let them pass and offer up his swords.  Two of Frey’s grandsons are to be sent to foster at Winterfell.  Frey’s son Olyvar will serve as Robb’s squire.  Arya will marry his youngest boy Elmar and Robb has to marry a Frey girl of his choosing. All the Freys are pretty weaselly looking, so Robb isn’t too excited about it.  Sadly, he has no choice but to consent.

 

Jon IX

  Jon’s recovering from his wight fight.  His hand is pretty badly burned.  His blisters are as big roaches.  Gross.  Why make that comparison?  Would there even be roaches in such a cold environment?

  Jon and LC Mormont are chatting.  Mormont is pissed that there is a shitty boy king in charge.  Now nobody will take the needs of the NW seriously.  In a touching male bonding moment, Mormont gives Jon his sword Longclaw as a reward for saving his life.  Why the hell not?  Jorah is a loser and a disgrace.  It’s a Valyrian steel sword.  Mormont’s creepy anthropomorphized raven implores him to take it.  The pommel has been changed from a bear to a wolf.

  Jon thinks of the times he used to dream as a boy that he saved Ned’s life and Ned proclaimed him a true Stark and gave him Ice.  Excuse me, there’s a sudden dust storm in here and my eyes are watering.

  Mormont tells Jon that he has sent Alliser Thorne to King’s Landing with Jafer Flower’s hand to show them and convince them that shit is getting real at the Wall and they need more men.  It also has the nice side effect of separating the two of them.

  Jon’s friends want to play with Jon’s new toy.  Of course Jon gets all angsty and has to leave them.  He’s hanging out in his cell with Ghost.  Sam interrupts them to say that Maester Aemon wants to speak with Jon.

  Aemon is all philosophical.  He asks Jon if he knows why the NW vows to take no wives and father no children.  It is so they will not know love.  Love would get in the way of performing their duty to the realm.  It was so they would have no divided loyalties.

  Aemon says it is easy for a man to do his duty when there is no other choice, but it is not so easy when he has to choose between duty and something he wants or loves.  Aemon knows Jon is choosing between his NW duty and his father’s cause.  Because Aemon had to choose several times.  He had to watch from afar the destruction of his house.  He is … dun, dun, dun … Aemon Targaryen.  And he chose his NW duty every time.

 

Deaths in this recap: 0  It’s an uneventful stat roundup today.  Don’t worry.  It’ll get better next time.

Cumulative deaths: 23

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0 

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6