Archive | July 2014

TreebeardBran

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Jon VII, Tyrion XII, Catelyn VII

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet

A quick note:  Since GRRM is forgoing writing a script for season 5 of the TV show to finish TWOW, I’m really hoping that by the time I recap the entirety of the first 5 books, TWOW will be out.  I know.  I’m a sweet summer child.

Jon VII

  Jon, Qhorin, Squire Dalbridge and Ebben are sneaking through the Skirling Pass.  Jon has one of his many heart to heart with a series of mentors so he can someday be a great leader with Qhorin.  Did that sentence make any kind of sense?  I don’t know because wine.  They talk about Mance Rayder who was a Black Brother before deserting to live among the wildlings.  Mance was born as a wildling and captured by the NW as a kid.  Qhorin explains that the wildlings are no better or worse than anyone but they have no discipline because they do not like to defer to any leadership.  I WONDER IF THIS INFORMATION WILL BECOME RELEVANT LATER? 

  The heartfeltiness of the heartfelt talk prompts Jon to confess that he let Ygritte go.  Qhorin is not surprised and he doesn’t really think they necessarily needed her dead.  He was just testing Jon to see what kind of man he is.  So crafty!

  Now it’s time for bed, and with it some weird dreams.  At first Jon has a wolf dream starring ghost.  Then a weirwood tree that sounds and looks like Bran calls out to him.  The tree smells like death but WeirBran tells JonGhost not to be afraid and to open his third eye.  The tree touches Jon and gives him a vision.  The vision is of Mance’s camp.  It is huge.  Not only does it have pretty much all the wildlings, they have mammoths.  Mammoths!  Wow!

  Then an eagle attacks JonGhost and Jon wakes up screaming.  Ebben is mad so Jon has to describe his dream.  The rest of the party seems to realize that Jon is a warg and the eagle attack was a wildling skinchanger.  Ghost is missing and Jon is very worried that the he is hurt or dead.  The fear gets worse after they see an eagle watching them walk.  They eventually found Ghost very hurt but able to walk.  Qhorin decides they must flee. 

  When they get to the spot where they encountered Ygritte and her friends Squire Dalbridge offers to stay behind to shoot arrows at the approaching wildlings and, Jon realizes, to sacrifice his life.

  The next day they hear the wildlings horn in the distance and no they are screwed.

Tyrion XII

  Varys has some news for Tyrion.  News from the north.  Uh oh.  The news is that Bran and Rickon have been killed.  Really GRRM?  That’s how you’re going to deliver the news?  A piece of parchment delivered by the spider?  Troll.

  Cersei isn’t sad at the news when Tyrion tells her.  Obviously.  Because she’s awful (and kind of awesome).  She is a little defensive about it though.  She is pissed that people might blame her for it.  That’s her only worry though.

  Cersei and Tyrion have dinner.  Their dinner is a swan.  A fucking swan.  Why?  She’s in a bad mood because of the Starks, Littlefinger being MIA and Tyrion sending his hill tribesman away because they aren’t disciplined enough to be soldiers.

  Tyrion has to convince Cersei that she needs to allow Joffrey to participate in the fast approaching battle.  It would be the worst PR if he doesn’t.  Sadly, Cersei is a bit of a helicopter parent (GRRM is apparently good at predicting trends) and he really has to work hard to convince her.

  Then Cersei springs one of her very special Cersei surprises on him.  She doesn’t like that Tyrion thinks with the “worm between his legs” so she’s captured his whore.  Tyrion is quite upset!  Cersei is ranting about how he wants Joff dead so he can rule through Tommen.  Cersei says that she will kill her terribly if any harm comes to Joff or Tommen.  This could be really horrifying and sad for Tyrion (that’s all that matters is Tyrion’s feels, right?) but unfortunately for Cersei, she took the wrong whore!  Sad trombone for Cersei.

  Cersei has mistakenly taken Alayaya.  Tyrion declares that whatever happens to her will happen to Tommen too.  Then he tells Cersei that he’ll get her one day and make sure her joy turns to ashes in her mouth.  I’m sure that will never backfire on him at all.  Right?

  When Tyrion gets back to his bedchamber, Shae is there.  Funny!  Varys led her through some secret tunnel to his bedchamber.  She was made to wear a hood so she couldn’t see.  Tyrion, try as he might can’t figure out where the passage is.  This isn’t important information either.  Shhh.

Catelyn VII

  Catelyn and Brienne are eating a morose dinner by themselves while outside the smallfolk are loudly singing and drinking to Edmure’s military victories.  Sadly, Cat has learned the news of Bran and Rickon’s deaths.  This is the point in which her chapters get depressing and contain lines like “I am a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.”

  Because the dinner is so awkward, she finally tells Brienne about what happened.  We get more details than in the previous chapter and they are gruesome.  Theon mounted their heads on the walls of Winterfell after capturing them at the mill.  What an asshole.  I wonder if he’ll get his comeuppance? 😀

  Catelyn wishes death on Theon, Cersei, Jaime and even Tyrion.  Foreshadowing?  We’ll just have to see.

  She tells Brienne that she sent Jaime a shit ton of wine in hopes of getting him wasted and talking.  It worked on Cleos Frey before so why not?  They arrange to meet at midnight to go interrogate him.

  Catelyn passes the time until then by going up to Hoster’s room and angsting at him.  He probably doesn’t understand what she’s saying.

  Finally midnight comes.  When she gets to the dungeon she finds that Jaime has not taken the bait and drunk the wine.  He is still a hot mess though.  The light hurts his eyes because he’s been in the dark like one of the crawlers from The Descent.  There’s shit all over the place, his clothes are soiled and his beard his ungroomed.  Catelyn still notices that he’s pretty hot and after watching seasons 2 and 3 of the TV show, I must concur.

  The two of them make a deal to answer each others questions truthfully.  First, he admits to being Joffrey’s father.  No big shock there.

  Jaime wants to know if his family still lives and when he finds out that Stafford is the only one dead thus far he gives zero fucks.

  Now the kicker.  Catelyn asks him what happened to Bran.  She wonders if he’ll be able to even answer but he has no shame at all and matter of factly tells her that he did in face defenestrate him.  He does however, deny sending the catspaw.  Hmm….

  All this time Jaime has finally been drinking the wine and by now he is quite drunk.  He tells Cat the terrible tale of how Rickard and Brandon Stark died.  Rickard was cooked inside his own armor by Aerys.  Ouch!  Brandon was tied up with a cord around his neck and his sword just out of reach.  He ended up strangling himself.

  This is all told as Jaime’s defense against the kingslaying.  We begin to get an understanding of why he did it and he becomes a character that is no longer a one dimensional villain.  This is one of my favorite parts of the books and I can’t even snark right now even though I’m a bit drunk.

  Anyway, Cat is fairly unmoved because she knows that Jaime did not slay Aerys to avenge the Starks. Also, Jaime starts mocking the fact that Ned had a bastard an we all know that’s a sore subject with Cat.  Finally she calls for Brienne and asks for her sword.

  Whaaa…..?

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Bran and Rickon.  Nooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cumulative deaths: 63

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  Cersei kidnaps who she thinks is Tyrion’s whore

Cumulative betrayals: 16

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

Creepers Abound

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon IV, Jon VI, Sansa IV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio because when it’s 82 degrees and humid at 10:30 PM and you don’t have an air conditioner; red wine is not the way to go.

 

Theon IV

  Some noise or instinct has awaken Douchelord Prince Theon in the night.   Kyra, one of the barmaids in Winter’s Town is asleep beside him because they totally did it earlier.  Of course, Theon seems more turned on by the fact that he had sex with a commoner in Ned’s bed than he is by Kyra.  Because he’s the worst.

  Slowly it dawns on Theon that it’s the quite that has woken him up.  The direwolves had been constantly howling since he took Winterfell.  Now that noise is gone.  He has someone named Urzen go check on the wolves and his main servant Wex check on Bran and Rickon.

  Of course the wolves and boys have escaped.  Good for them!   Theon is pissed.  Not just because his hostages are missing.  He’s upset because he thinks he’s treated the people of Winterfell so well and it’s just so unfair of them to be upset about the takeover.  Jesus H Christ Theon.  I know you come from a long line of assholes and don’t know how to think like a normal person, but still, shut up!

  It is discovered that the escape happened out of the hunter’s gate.  The two guards, Squint and Drennan have been brutally slain.  Drennan is a rapist so, I’ve got to admit I’m glad to see that.  Clearly, the boys didn’t get out of Winterfell alone.  They were killed before they even had time to alert the other guards.  Later it is revealed that the Reeds, Osha and Hodor are missing too.  No horses are missing so Theon is confident that Bran and co. will soon be found.

  Theon takes his butthurt out on the Winterfell smallfolk.  He whines some more about how good he had been to them.  What is wrong with this moron?  Reek, Ramsay Snow’s captured servant wants Theon to retaliate for this grave injustice by flaying everyone.  I guess he was influenced by his servitude to House Bolton.  They used to flay their enemies until the Starks put an end to it about a thousand years ago.  Luckily Theon is able to find some shred of decency and vetoes the plan.

  Dawn approaches so Theon forms a hunting party and makes Maester Luwin and Farlen the kennelmaster join it.  One of the mini Walder Freys wants to go too.  They follow the trail through the forest for a long time.  Maester Luwin takes the opportunity to try and convince Theon to show mercy when they are inevitably captured.  Theon starts thinking about how much easier it would be to hold Winterfell if he could’ve married one of the Stark girls, particularly Sansa because she is pretty.  Ew.  Poor Sansa attracts every creeper in Westeros.

  Finally, the party comes upon a river.  In the muddy banks are paw prints from Summer and Shaggy.  But there are no human footprints.  They’ve only been following the wolves for who knows how long.  Haha!  Still, Theon thinks the humans must be somewhat near.  The party splits up.  No luck.  Neither wolves or Stark boys are found.

  When dusk falls it is time to give up.  But, wait no, Reek wants to save the day.  He has a feeling the boys are at a nearby mill.  Theon thinks that Reek’s lips look like two worms fucking which is just hilarious.  Reek has a wolf’s head pin in a sack and in my semi drunk state I’m not sure why that means that Bran and Rickon are hiding at the mill.  But Theon is certain of it and he goes to get them.  Uh oh.

 

Jon VI

  Qhorin, Jon and the rest of their party are in the frostfangs.  They can see up in the Skirling pass that some wildings are there because they have lit a fire.  Qhorin decides two men must climb the mountain in the dark to sneak up on the wildlings and kill them before they can sound a horn to warn any other wildling parties.  An excellent climber named Stonesnake and Jon both volunteer.

  The climb is cold and scary.  It doesn’t translate well in recap form but trust me, it was very tense!  Finally, they get just above where the wildlings are camped.  There are three of them.  One of the wildlings is sleeping so Stonesnake and Jon divide the two remaining ones between them.  They each kill their wildling.  Aww, Jon has his first kill.  He’s a real man now!

  Then, the sleeping wildling starts fighting Jon.  Jon gets the better of the wildling and is about to slice his throat when he realizes that he is … wait for it… a she!  Stonesnake wants Jon to kill her but he can’t do it. 

  He decides to take this wildling, her name is Ygritte, captive.  She repays his mercy by telling him that Snow is an evil name.  She wants them to burn the wildling corpses.  Stonesnake won’t do it though.  He throws their bodies off the cliff instead.  Soon they hear shadowcats devouring the bodies.  Jon tries to interrogate Ygritte but she won’t tell him anything except a legend about a wildling named Bael the Bard kidnapping the daughter and only child of a Stark and making a baby with her so that all Starks, according to wildling legend are part wildling. 

  In the morning, Qhorin finds them.  He’s pissed off that Jon took a hostage instead of killing all the wildlings as planned.  He tells Jon to do what needs to be done with her and leaves them alone.  He still can’t kill her and lets her escape. I’m sure that won’t have any consequences whatsoever.

Sansa IV

  Dontos and Sansa are meeting in the godswood.  The air is thick with smoke because Stannis’ men have been burning the kingswood and Tyrion is burning everything outside of the city walls so that things will be too inhospitable for a siege.

  Sansa is getting a bit cranky because Dontos is not making good on his promise to help her escape.  He tells her that the time still isn’t right.  The city is too heavily guarded.   Neither Stannis himself or his naval forces have arrived yet.  So everyone is waiting and afraid.  Before Sansa and Dontos part, he wants a kiss from her.  She kisses him but luckily only on the cheek.  Ew.  Just, ew.  Does no one but me get intensely creeped out reading Sansa chapters?  An adult man acts inappropriately towards her in pretty much every one.  I’m glad I don’t have a teenage daughter.  I don’t think I can handle it considering how overprotective and anxious I am of a fictional teenaged girl.

  When Sansa is crossing the bridge across the moat to get back to Maegor’s Holdfast she is accosted by the Hound.  Oh great, more creepers.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME GRRM!?  Seriously.  Why all the molesters?  Things like this must be in her mind at all times

 

  Anyways, Sansa is too nice and tries to convince the Hound that she doesn’t find him scary, but he sees through it and feels the tell her so while gripping onto her.  Sigh.  She still tries to thank him for being brave and saving her during the riot.  He just scoffs and tells her that it’s no big deal because he likes to kill people and her father probably did too.  Oh, Sandor.   He tells her that knights are only there to kill and that she should go away because he’s sick of looking at her. 

  Sansa flees and goes to bed.  She has a PTSD dream about the riot.  In the dream she’s being beaten bloody by a bunch of people and then stabbed in the belly.  When she wakes up, she finds she’s gotten her first period.  Are you there God?  It’s me, Sansa.

  This part is just ridiculous to me.  In the span of a few hours she bleeds so much that her nightgown, bedclothes and mattress are all completely soiled.  Are you kidding me GRRM?  I’m here to tell all you male readers, we don’t actually bleed that much.  The average amount of blood lost during menstruation is 1/8th of a cup (IIRC).  That’s during the entire period.  Not per hour or anything.

  Anyway, Sansa freaks out.  That is understandable because now she is eligible to marry Joffrey and nobody wants that.  She tries to burn all the evidence.  Not a great idea.  The fire draws a maid who summons others to stop her from burning everything.  Of course, she’s all blood covered as they pull her away from the fire.  Geez!  How much do men think we bleed?  A period would send us to the hospital for blood transfusions if it was as bad as men think it is.

  Of course, this means that Cersei finds out about the flowering.  Sansa is forced to go eat breakfast with her.  Cersei, ever kind and gentle just can’t wait to tell her that giving birth is even worse.  She also informs her that although she will likely love Joffrey’s brat kids, love is a poison that will kill you.

  As Tobias Funke says, now that’s an act break!

Deaths in this recap:  2. Squint and Drennan.  Didn’t know you, don’t care.

Cumulative deaths: 61

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 15

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

 

Weasel soup

Book I am reading: A Clash of Kings

Chapters: Arya IX, Daenerys IV, Tyrion XI

Booze in my flagon: Pinot grigio

 

Arya IX

  Arya goes to visit Hot Pie in the kitchen.  He is making tarts for Amory Lorch and Arya wants to spit on them.  She’d make a perfect service sector employee!  I don’t even mean that sarcastically.  A lot of customers deserve that shit.  Arya’s new boss Pinkeye is an alcoholic and passes out every night so she’s feeling a little bolder than she did under Weese.  She proposes escaping but Hot Pie doesn’t actually want to escape because living in the forest and eating bugs kind of sucks.  Arya hears a horn that indicates the gates are being opened and so she steals a tart and goes to see what’s happening.

  It’s the Bloody Mummers returning.  They’ve brought a big black bear with them.  They also have a bunch of prisoners.  The prisoners are all bearing northern sigils.  The prisoners include two nobles, a Glover and a Frey.  There’s a little bit of tension because Amory Lorch and Vargo Hoat hate each other.  I guess there’s only room for one complete and utter sociopathic douchebag per zip code?

  Pinkeye comes down to see the commotion so Arya runs off to escape notice.  She goes past the armory and has a headlong into puberty moment when she sees Gendry doing his metal work and being all muscley and sexy.  She asks him to help her free the Northern/Riverlands prisoners but he isn’t anymore into it than Hot Pie was.

  Finally, Arya realizes that she’s going to have to resort to getting her last name from Jaqen.  She’s been a little afraid of him ever since he Cesar Millaned that dog into killing Weese.  She realizes he’s more of a sorcerer than just a really bad ass assassin.

But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Arya prays to the weirwood tree in Harrenhal’s godswood to get the northerners out and then remembers the Old Gods (OGs?) didn’t do jack shit to help her dad so she starts yelling at them.  Jaqen sneaks up behind her and says “Gods are not mocked, girl.”  Clearly he has never seen any George Carlin standup.  He’s creepy and hot as usual and reveals that he knows she is Arya Stark even though Gendry didn’t spill the beans.

  However, Jaqen won’t help her.  She needs two guards to die to get the Northmen out and she only has one name left.  She makes him swear that he would kill anyone she named no matter what.  She whispers in his name “It’s Jaqen H’ghar.”  Oh snap!

  The ploy works.  He agrees to help her if she takes back his name.  Smart girl!  Jaqen tells her to go to the kitchens to help make a broth and wait for him there.

  Jaqen finally comes to fetch Arya.  Unfortunately he brings those fucks Rorge and Biter with him.  Arya is not too pleased about that.  They all carry a bunch of soup pots into the dungeon.  Jaqen tells Arya to stay out of the way.  Jaqen, Rorge and Biter all threw the soup in the guard’s eyes allowing them to kill them all and let Robett Glover, Aenys Frey and the rest out.  This allows the Northmen to outnumber the small garrison holding Harrenhal.  They took it over.

  Jaqen and Arya agree that his debt is paid and she unsays his name.  Then some freaky shit happens.  He declares Jaqen dead, rubs his hand across his face and becomes an entire new person.  Whoa!

The Artist Formerly Known as Jaqen H’ghar tells Arya that if she comes across the Narrow Sea with him she can learn how to take a new face and name too.  She tells him no because she wants to get home so he gives her an iron coin.  He tells her to give it to any man from Braavos and say “valar morghulis” to find him again.  He leaves in a mysterious swirl of darkness and awesomeness.

  Overnight, the Bloody Mummers turned cloak and joined the northerners, killing Amory Lorch’s men.  The incident becomes known around the castle as dying of hot Weasel Soup.

  That evening the new master of Harrenhal arrives.  It’s Roose Bolton.  Rorge and Biter out Arya as the one responsible for Weasel Soup.  Roose is somewhat impressed so he makes her his cup bearer.  The Bloody Mummers give Amory Lorch to the bear to be torn apart.  Oh well.

 

Daenerys IV

  Dany expects the House of the Undying to be extra opulent.  But it isn’t.  It’s a crumbling ruin.  By the way, this chapter would be best if I was on hallucinogens rather than alcohol, but I’ll do my best.

  The building looks like a serpent and is surrounded by trees whose plants make the Shade of the Evening which is the magic drink the warlocks take.  Jhogo thinks it looks evil and Aggo agrees.  Xaro and Jorah tell her the Warlocks are worthless and won’t do anything for her.  Dany does not heed the warnings and even when Pyat Pree tells her she has to go alone she’ s still desperate enough to agree to those terms.

  Pyat tells Dany the Undying Ones are dangerous and if she values her soul she’ll to always take the rightward door and climb up never down.  He tells her not to enter any room until she gets to the audience chamber.  A dwarf gives her a glass of evening shade and Pyat tells her she has to take it.  This is sounding sketchier by the moment.  At least she has Drogon with her!

  Dany sees many creepy things, A naked woman being eaten by little rat men, a bunch of corpses killed at a feast while a dead man with a wolf head presides, her old house with the lemon tree and Willem Darry, a Targ (Rhaegar) on the iron throne with baby Aegon saying there must be one more because the dragon must have three heads.

  Dany reaches a dead end.  There are only stairs going down and there are no doors on the right.  Drogon is freaking out.  Then it occurs to her that the first door on the right = the last door on the left.  Yay!

  Finally she bursts out into the courtyard to find Pyat standing there telling her she’s only been gone a few minutes.  Dafuq?  That’s like the end of Contact (movie version).  He tries to guide her away but she decides to take the next rightward door anyway.  This causes him to cry and yell.  She turns out to have made the good choice.  She gets to an ebony and weirwood door and beyond it are wizards that seem like they must be the Undying. 

  Drogon freaks out and bites at the ebony and weirwood door.  She runs away and into a room with a big stone table.  Above the table floats a big blue throbbing heart.  Huh?  Around the table are blue shadows.  Maybe these are the real undying?  Maybe Dany is just high as fuck?  All the creepy Undying people are blue and withered and don’t breathe or move.  They just whisper.  Ick.

  They tell her “three heads has the dragon…three fires must you light…one for life and one for death and one to love…three mounts must you ride …one to bed and one to dread and one to love…three treasons will you know…once for blood and once for gold and once for love.”  So many ellipses!  So many…so many…

  They call her “mother of dragons, daughter of death” and show her Viserys dying, a man with silver hair and copper skin before a fiery stallion banner, Rhaegar dying with his rubies, a red sword in the hand of a blue eyed king who casts no shadow (Stannis prolly) and a mummer’s cloth dragon.

 Fuck me this chapter is cool to read but a pain to write up.  Is it over yet?  No?  Ok…

  A stone beast flies from a burning tower and the phantoms say “mother of dragons, slayer of lies…” and then she sees a corpse on ship and the phantoms say “mother of dragons, bride of fire…”  More ellipses!  So many!

  Then the visions come to fast to process, the phantoms start grasping her and then Drogon comes to the rescue.  He burns them and burns the whole damn building.  Dany escapes and Pyat is pissed.  Now I think I’m tripping by proxy 😦

 

Tyrion XI

  It’s the eve of battle with Stannis.  Tyrion sends Shagga and the Stone Crows to hunt down his scouts.  Sending the clansmen away leaves Tyrion feel vulnerable because he doesn’t trust Bronn’s sellswords.  Can’t imagine why :/

  Tyrion also doesn’t trust the Gold Cloaks.  Neither does their leader Jacelyn Bywater.  He thinks they’ll desert if the battle starts turning against the Lannisters.  It’s looking bad.  So bad.  Especially since the smallfolk are still hungry and pissed off.  Who can blame them? 

  Tyrion reflects on the loss of Harrenhal for the Lannisters and the loss of Winterfell for the Starks.  Tyrion finds himself empathetic to the Starks but pushes that thought of the way.  Don’t try to hide it Tyrion.  You know you’re as much of a Stark fan as most of the readers!  Especially since no one likes Theon.

  Later Tyrion goes to the swearing in ceremony for the new King’s Guard.  He approves of Balon Swann.  He doesn’t approve of Osmund Kettleblack.  Kettleblack is shady.  We know this is true because of literary shorthand/stereotyping.  He’s low born with a hook nose and a spade shaped beard.  Like the devil.  Oh noes!

  Later Tyrion meets with Pyromancer (pie romancer!) Hallyne.  Hallyne claims to have 13,000 jars of wildfire.  Tyrion is skeptical but Hallyne claims that in addition to finding an old cache, the spells to make new “substance” are working better than usual.  We are to infer that it’s because of the dragons.  Hallyne even asks if there are dragons about.  Tyrion is skeptical of course but Hallyne remembers that magic died out with the last dragon so it is all kinds of suspicious.

  Later on Varys arrives with the news that some people think Stannis will win and are on his side.  They call themselves the Antler Men.  Tyrion orders them arrested.

 

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Amory Lorch of course.  I’m also counting Jaqen.

Cumulative deaths: 59

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  I’m counting Arya saying Jaqen’s name.  I understand it, but it was still kind of shitty.

Cumulative betrayals: 15

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25