Archive | February 2014

Gossip Girl

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion IV, Sansa II, Arya V

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio


Tyrion IV

  Tyrion is meeting with Pycelle.  He has Pycelle send a letter to the prince of Dorne, Doran Martell.  Dorne is the southernmost part of Westeros.  There is a lot of dessert and mountains making them difficult to control by force.  It’s too hard for armies to invade.  They remained an independent kingdom for a long time after Aegon’s conquest.  They at last came into the realm via a marriage alliance with the Targaryens.  They have yet to take a side in the current secession dispute.

  While Pycelle is off sending the raven, Tyrion snoops in Pycelle’s bottles of poison and steals one.  Which one we are not told.  After the meeting Tyrion rejoins Bronn.  Bronn tells him that a moneylender from the Iron Bank of Braavos has asked after Tyrion.  The crown owes the Iron Bank a buttload of money.  Tyrion brushes it off.  That can’t possibly be a bad idea that will come back to bite the Lannisters later.

  Bronn also informs Tyrion that the peasants are getting restless.  The Tyrells and Renly have cut off food supplies from the reach and food is getting hard to come by.  He also mentions that Alliser Thorne has arrived.  He decides to let him sweat it out for awhile because he doesn’t like Alliser.  It kind of reminds me of the Wizard of Oz.  The book of course.

  On the way back home Tyrion runs into Cersei and her assorted minions.  She gets all up on his jock about what she perceives as his lack of concern for security of the city.  She’s also peeved that he hasn’t figured out to get Jaime back.  She calls him useless and storms off.  Tyrion is more worried out about Stannis than Renly.  Varys has been getting no intelligence from Dragonstone.

  He arrives home to find Littlefinger lounging villainously in his solar.  He’s watching Joffrey try to shoot rabbits with his crossbow and failing miserably.  Because Joffrey is bad at everything and sucks forever.  LF is flaunting the dagger used in Bran’s murder attempt.  Tyrion can’t do anything to LF at the moment because they need his money making prowess.  LF knows it so he’s acting like a shit about it.  Tyrion tells LF he wants him to persuade Lysa Arryn to swear fealty to Joffrey and pledge her swords in exchange for a marriage pact between Robert Arryn and Myrcella.  Poor Myrcella!  For this service, LF will get Harrenhal.  Littlefinger agrees to the plan.

  The next visitor a few hours later is Varys.  Varys knows about the raven to Dorne and the plan to wed Myrcella to Robert Arryn already.  So creepy.  He’s pretty much the gossip girl of Westeros. He tells Varys he plans to send Tommen away to Dorne.  He asks him not to tell Cersei about of this stuff.


Sansa II

 Sansa finds a mysterious note under her pillow.  It says Come to the godswood tonight, if you want to go home.  She is hopeful that it is someone who really wants to help her.  She is however afraid that it’s a set up by Joffrey.  She angered him by saying that she hopes the Others take Janos Slynt.  He had Meryn Trant punch her a mailed fist.  A mailed fist!  I don’t even know what to say about that.  Rage stroke!  That’s about all I can muster.

  She is scared, but sneaks out anyway.  Before reaching the godswood she runs into the same black cat Arya was chasing before.  File that away under possibly important.  In the wood she discovers that the note sender is Ser Dontos.  The drunk guy she saved at the tourney.  He’s drunk yet again.  Sansa is understandably creeped out.  No adolescent girl wants to be alone in the woods with a drunk adult man.  At least I hope not.

  He does manage to convince her that he wasn’t sent by anyone and truly means to help her.  He claims he can sneak her out and get her on a ship.  But not now.  When the time is right.  They agree to meet at the same place often.

  Speaking of creepy dudes, when Sansa is on her back to her chambers she runs into the Hound.  He’s drunk too.  She tells him she was praying in the godswood.  He has his suspicions that she is lying and calls her a stupid little bird.  Why SanSan is such a popular fan ship is beyond me.  He escorts her home and informs her that he will have a song from her whether she likes it or not.  I swear.  Every Sansa chapter reminds me of when I was her age and would get catcalls from creepy ass adult men.


Arya V

  Arya climbs up a tree to recon a nearby village.  She sees smoke coming from a chimney.  All the other villages they have come across lately have been abandoned.  We flash back to the morning after Lorch’s attack.  Apparently Kurz was one of the survivors and I falsely called him dead last time.  He does die from an infected wound a couple of days later so I won’t bother to edit the previous post.

  Anyways, the remaining survivors are starting to get hungry.  They are living off of berries and acorn paste.  Arya even eats bugs.  The other two adult survivors Tarber and Cutjack ditch Arya, Gendry, Hot Pie, Lommy and Weasel.  How nice.  Back in the present they are debating whether or not to go to the village.  Arya and Gendy are suspicious.  Hot Pie wants to go in hopes of getting fed.  Lommy wants to yield because he thinks that’s the key to not getting killed.  Oh Lommy.  Lommy has a hurt leg from the battle.  Gendry and Arya decide they will sneak into the village when it gets dark.

  When they are walking through the woods Gendry says he thinks Lommy will die.  His wound stinks.  Presumably of gangrene.  This shouldn’t be funny but it makes me think Lommy Gangrene Hands since Lommy is called Lommy Greenhands.  Gendry also reveals that he has figured out that Arya is a girl.  She decides to trust him and admit that she is Arya Stark.  Gendry is all cutely embarrassed that he was rude and crude with a lady to be.

  When they get near the village that ever present rotting corpse scent whaffs into their nostrils.

Gag Me

  Corpse stank can’t be a great sign.  They split up to approach the village from different angles.  When Arya gets closer, they see that there is a bunch of corpses hanging by the lake.  They are in various stages of eaten by crows.  People shouldn’t read these books while eating should they?  The flag hanging up in the village looks like the Lannister crimson.

  Arya sees a captive being dragged into the village by Lannister men.  It’s Gendry.  Of course it is.  After observing for hours she doesn’t see a good rescue opportunity so she goes to fetch Hot Pie and Lommy.  Lommy is still useless and only wants to yield so she takes Hot Pie back to the village.

  They get caught of course.  HP shouts “I yield!”  Of course.  They get captured and the men take Needle.  Those bastards.  Arya recognizes Gregor Clegane and know for sure they are in some deep shit.  They go back to Lommy.  Weasel has run away.  One of the Mountain’s men asks them where Dondarrion is.  They have no clue what he is talking about.  They inquire about Lommy’s leg.  He says that it is hurt and he will need to be carried to the village.  Oh Lommy!  The man unceremoniously stabs him in the throat.


Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor dumb Lommy

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Tobbar and Cutjack abandoned the kids count in my opinion.

Cumulative betrayals: 11

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6


Hot Pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Arya IV, Tyrion III, Bran II

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec


Arya IV

  The NW finds a corpse floating in the river.  Lommy is not surprised because the water they had been drinking tasted like dead body.  EWWW!!!  When I was a canvasser, our van hit a dead and decomposing deer when we were driving out to turf in the exurbs.  It was the summertime.  The dead deer stink got all over the front of the van (is that the grill?  Like Jon Snow, I know nothing when it comes to cars) and every time it stunk of deer corpse inside the van.  I will never ever forget that smell,  It was disgusting,  I cannot even begin to manage drinking corpsified water.  Ew, ew, ew!  Yoren has them loot the body for valuables.  It’s understandable and necessary, but it still squicks me out a bit.

  The party aren’t too far from the huge lake called the God’s Eye.  Harrenhal is right on the lake and they discuss seeking shelter there because Lady Whent is friendly towards the Night’s Watch.  Harrenhal was built by King Harren, an Iron Born.  They controlled the Riverlands at the time.  He refused to surrender to Aegon and the dragons barbequed Harren inside the castle.  Arya remembers that Old Nan used to tell stories about ghosts haunting Harrenhal.

  The party comes across some homes, but they are all abandoned.  It’s pretty suspicious.  Finally they come upon an entire abandoned town and holdfast.  This is how bad horror movies start out.  The town is on the God’s Eye and it’s so big that they can’t see the opposite shore.

  Yoren decides they will spend the night at the holdfast.  Arya doesn’t want to because obviously the town is abandoned for a reason.  Yoren thinks she is smart for knowing to be concerned, but it isn’t enough to convince him to move on.  They do bar the doors behind them.

  Later that night Arya dreams she hears wolves howling.  She wakes up and knows that something is very wrong and wakes everyone else.  Momentarily Kurz blows the horn.  There are a couple hundred soldiers outside.  It’s some Lannister troops.  Yoren tells them that they are Night’s Watch but they are not believed.  They think it might be Beric Dondarrion’s people.  His sigil is a lightning bolt on black so it looks similar to the black of the NW.  Beric has been leading a group of rebels.

  The soldier’s leader, a man called Amory Lorch commands Yoren to open the door.  Lorch is one of Tywin’s bannerman and he is the one who killed princess Rhaenys Targaryen,  He’s a total asshole, obviously.  Yoren refuses.  Lorch orders his men to storm the walls and kill everyone.  Of course he does.

  Arya is not afraid to join the fight.  She uses to needle to stab the fingers of someone trying to climb the wall.  She screams “Winterfell!”  She dispatches several more foes.  Unfortunately they just keep coming.  Dobber and Qyle are killed.  Arya keeps screaming “Winterfell!” and Hot Pie adorably shouts “Hot Pie!”

  Sadly, the NW are being overwhelmed and Yoren tells Arya to flee out of the trap under the barn and take as many as she can with her.  She takes with her Gendry, Hot Pie, Lommy and the toddler girl they call Weasel.  The barn is on fire.  All their horses and donkeys are trapped and screaming.  With all the death in ASOIAF, this is one of the most upsetting part to me.  I guess I just like other animals more than I do humans.

  Jaqen H’gar, Rorge and Biter are still locked up in their cage.  I’m not sure why they haven’t passed out from smoke inhalation by now, but hey, fantasy!  Arya finds an axe and gives it to them so they can bust themselves out.  They all escape.  They see Kurz die.  It isn’t until the next chapter that it’s mentioned that Yoren is dead, but he is.


Tyrion III

  The word has spread to the small council that all the lords have received that letter from Stannis calling Joffrey a bastard.  Cersei acts all indignant as if the accusation isn’t true.  This is amusing to Tyrion.  And me.  Since the letter says “in the light of the Lord” Tyrion figure they can use Stannis’ conversion to R’hllor worship against him. 

  Cersei wants everyone who calls Joffrey Bieber a bastard to get their tongues cut out as punishment.  Pycelle, ever the kiss ass agrees.  Tyrion disagrees.  He thinks that going so far as removing the ability to speak suggests that they have something to hide and the rumors might be true.  Tyrion wants to let the lack of proof speak for itself.  Littlefinger agrees with Tyrion.  We all know they’re much smarter than Cersei and Pycelle so they win.  Littlefinger suggest that they plant their own rumor, that Shireen is the result of Selyse doing sexy times with Patchface.  Blech.  LF knows that the smallfolk are superstitious and will believe Shireen’s greyscale face came from a union with Patchy and his creepiness.

  Tyrion notes aloud that LF is quite the accomplished liar and there is some tension between them.  This is the moment where they each realize the other is dangerous.  Of course Cersei is too self absorbed to notice the moment.  She could have used the rivalry to play them off each other and keep them both in check, but no.  Cersei is just so…Cersei.

  Everyone notes Varys conspicuous absence until Tyrion excuses himself to go attend to some business.  He meets Bronn outside.  He meets with all the  best smiths in the city.  He wants them to make a shit ton of chains.  He orders them to make it a priority.

  After the meeting he has Bronn escort him to a brothel.  It is run by a madam called Chataya.  She is from the Summer Islands.  It’s a sex positive culture way south and east of Westeros.  Everyone from there has really dark skin.  I don’t really know what real world culture is supposed to be analogous to them, but I’m sure there is one.  Chataya suggests that he hire her daughter Alayaya.  She takes him upstairs and leads him into the wardrobe.  There is a secret passage there.  Instead of Narnia, Varys awaits him.  Ooh, sneaky!

  Varys leads Tyrion through the tunnel.  Tyrion asks why a secret passage is under a brothel and Varys replies that is was built for another hand.  Hmm…. guess who?  We’ll get the story.  Eventually.  They come upon a room with horses and cloaks.  They dress in the cloaks so they can go meet Shae in secret.  This is so ridiculously elaborate IMO.  It’s just a big set up for later revelations and in hindsight it’s way too obvious.  Oh well.


Bran II

  Bran is having to do a bunch of boring duties in his role as prince.  He doesn’t like it.  Luwin and Rodrick don’t have a single nanocrap to give about that and they make him sit in on meetings and deal with visitors.  The latest of which is Lord Wyman Manderly AKA Lord-too-fat-to-sit-a-horse.  I keep trying to work out why he might have such a similar name to Manderley, the house in Rebecca, but I’ve got nothing.  Manderly is an important person and must be feasted.

  Bran has Hodor carry him down into the yars.  The Frey wards, Big Walder and Little Walder are there.  It is clear from the outset that they are the worst.  They make fun of Hodor.  Let me repeat.  This time loudly.  THEY MAKE FUN OF HODOR.  Unacceptable.

Inconceivable! (The Princess Bride)

  Bran and the Walders have some words.  Bran is threatening to sic Summer on them and I wish that he would. but Maester Luwin breaks it up.  Luwin is also pissed and he tells the stupid ass Freys to quit being mean to Hodor.

  later, at the feast Manderly expresses a desire to marry the recently widowed Lady Hornwood.  He also assures Bran that he will remain loyal even though the Lannisters hold his son Wylis.  Later on that night, Lady Hornwood arrives.  Her land is near that of the Bolton’s and she brings the news that Bolton’s bastard is amassing men with his servant, a ceaselessly stanky man called Reek.  Nothing to see here folks, move it along.

  Later in this apparently never ending day, Hodor takes Bran to the pool in the godswood.  There they encounter Osha who is bathing.  Osha, being intelligent has developed an immediate distrust of the Walders and tells Bran that he and Hodor need to watch their backs.  She asks him about his wolf dreams and he doesn’t want to say anything, but he does have a mystical dream about a weirwood tree and the three eyed crow that night.

  There are some more meetings.  Blah, blah, blah.  Everyone wants to marry Lady Hornwood.

  That night, Bran is starting to feel dread about the war.  He wants a dreamless sleep, but as usual does not get it.


Deaths in this recap:  4.  Qyle. Dobber, Kurz, and Yoren

Cumulative deaths: 42

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6






Top of the fedora to you

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon I, Daenerys I, Jon II

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio


Theon I

  Theon is sailing home to Pyke on the Iron Islands.  Pyke is all cold and grim and yucky.  Theon has been passing the journey to Pyke by having sex with the captain’s daughter.  He keeps telling her about crappy the Iron Islands are, but she wants to go with him anyway.  I don’t know why.  Theon is lamenting the old ways before Aegon’s conquest changed everything.  The Iron Born apparently used to be fearsome pirates who had slave labor to do their bidding.  Now they’re just an out of the redneck part of Westeros.  Boo hoo,  Theon doesn’t want the captain’s daughter who doesn’t even get a name to come with him.  He does however, tell her that she might have a king’s bastard in her.

  A king?  What?

  Once Theon gets to Pyke, he is aggrieved to find that nobody at port recognizes him or cares that he has arrived.  He is about to hire a horse and a guide to take him to Pyke.  He’s interrupted by a dirty hippie looking priest.  It’s his uncle Aeron Damphair.  Aeron wants to know if Theon is now a worshipper of the old gods that the Stark’s keep.  That’s not good enough for Aeron who rebaptizes him for the Drowned God by pouring sea water on him and having him incant “what is dead may never die.”  Theon wants to know why his father Balon is preparing for war, but much to his chagrin Aeron is keeping mum.  Then it gets even worse.  Aeron suggests that Theon might be replaced as Balon’s heir with his sister Asha.  The Iron Island’s are even more macho and misogynistic than the rest of Westeros so this news is particularly unwelcome.  The fact that Theon has been at Winterfell for a decade has made everyone suspicious that Theon has become a wussy Stark Greenlander.

  They get to the great keep where Aeron leaves him.  Theon finds that his father is waiting at the Sea Tower instead of there to greet him.  First he is escorted to his chambers which are cold, damp and gross. Theon dresses up in his fanciest outfit to impress daddy.  Sadly, it fails to impress.  Balon is cold and mean.  He dislikes Theon’s gold chain necklace because it was bought (acquired by the gold price) rather than stolen off of a slain enemy(the iron price).  Yes,  His father is disappointed to not raise a thieving thug.  So unhealthy.  I’d say they should go on Dr. Phil, but I think he’s a sexual harasser so they’d probably just egg each other on.

  Balon is also pissed off that Theon has become friends with Robb and is carrying messages from him.  Balon doesn’t want to be given a crown.  He wants to take it.  He wants to it by taking over the north.  Dum, dum, duh!


Daenerys I

  Dany decides to steer her party in the direction the comet is going.  It’s the safest way to go into a desert area called the Red Waste.  It’s about the only place she won’t be set upon by a khalasar.  The desert is a horrible place to march.  First horses start dying and then people do.  Everybody is starving and thirsty.  Dany fears her dragons will starve because they won’t eat, but eventually she figures out that they like cooked meat.

  Dany names her dragons.  The green on Rhaegal for her brother.  The cream on Viserion for her other, more psychotic brother.  The black one Drogon for her husband.

  Our first named fatality happens when Doreah gets sick and dies.  For any readers who only watch the show and haven’t read the books, this is probably the first big deviation the show takes by keeping her alive.

  Finally they find a deserted city.  They find a bunch of figs there.  It doesn’t seem like much, but to them it’s pretty much a feast.  After that they find more fruit and a well of clean water,

  While they are resting, Jorah dons his fedora and establishes his Nice Guy street cred by telling Dany the tale of his wife.  Her name is Lynesse of house Hightower.  The Hightowers are one of the wealthiest families.  Jorah won her over by winning a tourney, she agreed to marry him.  Lynnesse was disappointed to learn that the Mormonts live on a desolate island and don’t possess a lot of wealth.  She was dissatisfied and that is how Jorah came to sell slaves.  He wanted to keep her in nice clothes and jewelry.  After Jorah was exiled, she left him for another man who had lots of money.  After telling Dany this story, he reveals that she looks like Lynesse.  Now we know why he so into following her.  Blech.   Dany realizes that Jorah is warm for her form.  She’s not attracted to him though.

  The next day Dany sends her bloodriders out to look for an inhabited city.  Aggo and Rakharo found nothing.  Jhogo returned from a city called Qarth.  He brought with three creepy ass citizens.  Pyat Pree, Quaithe and Xaro Xhoan Daxos.  More on them later.


Jon II

  The Night’s Watch gets to a wildling village called Whitetree.  It houses a gigantic weirwood tree.  The village is deserted like every other wildling settlement.  Not only are the people gone, the game are gone as well.  That’s super spooky.  Everyone knows that when animals are scare, humans should be scared too.  Apparently the NW don’t know the rules of horror movies though.  LC Mormont vows to find out whatever is going on.


Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor Doreah.

Cumulative deaths: 38

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6




The Talented Mr. Tyrion

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion II, Arya III

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet Sauvignon


  Sorry I’ve been neglectful.  I’ve had the flu and can’t quite seem to shake it.  The Olympics are a big distraction too.  Hopefully I’ll get back into it soon.


Tyrion II

  Tyrion is wining and dining Janos Slynt.  You might remember Janos from such hits as helping Ned get arrested and helping Ned get executed.  What a guy!  Janos is all sloppy drunk because like Tyrion and myself he likes the wine.  Today however, Tyrion is staying sober so he can toy with Janos and get him talking.  He does this by giving him lots of passive aggressive compliments.  He manipulates Janos into admitting that his top toady Allar Deem killed Robert’s baby bastard and her mother at that brothel.  Then Tyrion really puts the screws in by bringing up the Night’s Watch and interrogating him about Ned’s execution.  Janos admits to his involvement with that whole mess.

  Tyrion decides to send him to the Night’s Watch.  This turns Janos into a blubbering mess.

Janos tries to act like he can get out of it, but the new commander of the city watch Jacelyn Bywater comes to escort him away.  Tyrion has Bywater suggest to the ships captain that will be taking Slynt and Deem north that Deem should encounter an unfortunate accident.

  With this being done, Varys swishes in.  Tyrion is a little annoyed with him for not cluing him on it being Cersei’s idea to kill all of Robert’s bastards.  I’m not sure who else he thought it could possibly be, but whatever.

  After lobbing subtext laden blurbs back and forth for awhile, Varys tells Tyrion his famous riddle about power being a trick and a shadow on the wall.  Because GRRM can’t let Tyrion soak in his high point of the series for too long.  No, he needs to be befuddled by Varys.

  Later on Tyrion and Bronn are conversing and Tyrion asks Bronn if he’d kill babies for him.  Bronn would do it for a price.  That gives Tyrion some dead baby flavored food for thought.


Arya III

  The NW party has left the king’s road and is travelling the broke down country roads.  Their progress is slow and it’s annoying Arya.  She’s also become paranoid about the gold cloaks catching up with them.  At one point they eat corn.  That’s weird because corn is a new world crop and Westeros is supposed to be like medieval Europe.  I know they’re aren’t exactly the same, but the prevalence of corn in ASOIAF always sticks out for me and I just had to get it out.

  The party spots a fire burning up the night sky for days.  Eventually they find a village that has been completely burned down.  There are burnt up bodies impaled on sticks.  Shudder.  The only survivors are a two year old girl who won’t stop crying and a woman with an amputated arm who has had some kind of PTSD breakdown.  Sadly she dies that night.  Another disturbing factoid is that the water they have to drink tastes like corpse.

  This must be the most disturbing chapter written from the perspective of a nine/ten year old girl ever.


Davos I

  Stannis, his wife Selyse and Melisandre have decided to burn Dragonstone’s statues of the Seven to solidify Stannis’ allegiance to R’hllor.  Davos is a little bit uncomfortable with this because it’s the faith he grew up with.  However, he feels he owes Stannis many solids for promoting him to knight instead of executing for smuggling so he just deals with it.  Also, Melisandre scares the crap out of him.

  After some chanting Mel talks about the hero of R’hllor faith Azor Ahai and his flaming sword Lightbringer.  There is a prophecy that AA will be reborn and will have his own Lightbringer.  Mel uses a glamor to make it look like Stannis’ sword is burning like Lightbringer.  Her whole schtick is that Stannis is AAR.

  Later, Davos is talking with his old friend the pirate Salladhor Saan.  He’s promised treasury from King’s Landing in return for Salla’s ships.  They trade some gossip and then Salla tells Davos more about the AAR myth.  Azor Ahai opposed the darkness that had fallen over the world by making a magical sword lightbringer.  It had to be forged three different times and didn’t become magical until it was used to stab his wife Nissa Nissa.  he had to sacrifice the most important thing to him.

  After the exposition talk with Salladhor, Davos is summoned for a council meeting with Stannis and his bannermen.  Stannis has a letter declaring Joffrey a bastard and Stannis the true king.  This letter is to be sent out all over the place to all the important lords.  This is also where we learn Davos can’t read.

  Stannis and Davos decide they need proof of Robert’s bastard making habit.  They have it in the form of Edric Storm.  Edric is the son of Robert and Delena Florent.  The problem is, he’s at Storm’s End which is Renly’s stronghold.


All right.  That’s all for now. I should be back Tuesday or Wednesday hopefully with a full entry.  For now, I must go hack up some more phlegm.