Tag Archive | tyrion

Noseless chaps

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings.  Last chapters!

Chapters:  Tyrion XV, Jon VIII, Bran VII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot noir

 

Tyrion XV

  Tyrion is not dead after all.  Did anyone think he was?  He has all kinds of dreams.  Including one in black and white with ravens and everyone dead.  Including wolves, lions and stags.  He feels guilty about killing them all.  Hmm.  This must be a foreshadowing but fuck if I know what it is foreshadowing.

  He spends an unspecified amount of time in a milk of the poppy induced half awake and half asleep state.  Finally he awakes for reals and Podrick is there with a new maester.   Oh no wait.  He got tricked into drinking more roofie juice and goes back to dreamland.  This time it’s a nice dream in which he’s being feasted as a hero.

  Finally Tyrion wakes again and sort of gets up.  He realizes he’s been taken out of his bedchamber and is in some little dank cold room somewhere.  Gratitude:  King’s Landing style.

  Argh!  Now he’s dreaming again.  I’m getting sick of this.  Especially since he’s dreaming of Tysha and I’m given the painful reminder that a couple of books from now I’m going to have to read the phrase “where do whores go?” so many times.  Ugh.  The memories are all romantical but he knows she’s really a whore so it’s fake.  Blah, blah, blah.

  Now he’s awake again and he convinces the maester to stop drugging him by choking him with his maester’s chain.  Lovely.  He makes the maester take off his face bandages.  Except this isn’t the Twilight Zone.  There’s no beautiful face underneath.

Nope.  Motherfucker is practically noseless now.  Ouch.

  He finds out the maester’s name is Ballabar.  He’s in Maegor’s holdfast and of course Tywin has taken over as hand.  Poor Tyrion is now powerless and friendless except for Pod.  Good old Pod.

 

Jon VIII

  Jon and Qhorin have given up hope and are basically waiting for death so they’re like “fuck it, might as well make a fire.”  I’ve got to commend them for holding out all this time.  I’d have given in to the campfire urge ages ago.  Of course, they have no s’mores so that makes it a little less tempting.  The two of them are the only ones of the five left.  Ebben was sent to find Mormont.  Dalbridge is presumed dead because they heard a horn or something.

  Jon, Qhorin and Stonesnake tried to sneak away but that stupid skinchanged eagle is following them.  I just realize now the GRRM was pretty prophetic.  This is pretty much the Westeros version of a drone but drones weren’t a thing back in the 90s when this was written.  Eventually Stonesnake’s horse broke a leg and had to be killed so he got left behind to try to make it back to the Fist on foot.  He’s also presumed about to be dead.

  So here they are, sitting round a fire waiting for the wildlings to come.  Qhorin makes Jon say the Night’s Watch vows with him.  He then commands Jon to yield and join up with the wildlings.  He tells Jon to do whatever they ask to prove his loyalty.  He instructs him to bide his time and watch.  Find out what they’re up to.  He says “if the Wall should ever fall, all the fires will go out.”  Nice and ominous.

  They backtrack in hopes of tricking the wildlings and hide in a gorgeous sounding waterfall that’s nestled in some cliffs.  Jon starts to have some hope that this will work and he won’t have to deal with the wildlings.  Sadly, when they emerge in the morning the eagle drone is perched on the rocks waiting for them.  They stay in the crack (teehee) to wait and make a stand.  Ghost included.

  Eventually, 14 wildlings approach.  They are led by a creepy guy Qhorin calls Rattleshirt.  He and his horse are armored in bones.  Both animal and human.  I’m not really sure how this would work, but whatever.  It’s cool and scary so it doesn’t really matter.  The two of them are old enemies so they have some typical action movie style witty banter.  Also, one of the wildlings produces Ebben’s decapitated head.

  Then Jon and Qhorin finally put their plan into action.  Qhorin pretends to be pissed off that Jon is yielding and calls him a coward.  Rattleshirt thins he is a craven and wants to just kill him but Ygritte is there and insists he’s worth taking.  So Rattleshirt agrees to take him.  If he’ll kill Qhorin Halfhand.  Qhorin is such a good fighter that he almost wins.  Even when he is fighting half assed.  Ghost has to step in and help out by biting him in the calf.  At last Jon manages to cut Qhorin’s throat and kill him.  It is then that poor naïve Jon finally realizes that Qhorin knew all along that Jon would have to kill him.

 

Bran VII

  Finally!  We know for sure that Bran is alive.  Yay!  It turns out that he and the crew doubled back to Winterfell and have been hiding in the crypts this whole time.  Bran has been taking refuge in his wolf dreams and each time it is getting harder to bring him back.  Because of the warging, Bran knows what went down in Winterfell.  This last time he was gone inside Summer for three whole days.  Jojen and Meera are growing concerned.  They inform that eating as a wolf will not do anything to feed the boy.  He’ll starve if he keeps staying in Summer for so long.

  Because of what Bran saw, they decide it’s finally time to venture upstairs again.  They leave with Meera stealing Lord Rickard’s sword.  The door is blocked by debris so Hodor has to push through.  Almost immediately Summer and Shaggydog find them.  They forage for food and fin a bunch of corpses.  Including Poxy Tym.  At first Bran assumes the Ironborn did it but Osha points out that they are amongst the corpses.  Including Black Lorren.

  They go to the godswood and there they find maester Luwin injured and dying.  Ack!  I hate this part.  It always kills me.  He’s still able to talk a little bit and he reveals that he had suspected all along that the miller’s boys weren’t really Bran and Rickon.  He tells them what happened at Winterfell and councils the group to split up so the two princes aren’t together.  He asks Osha to put him out of his misery.  😦

  Afterwards they decide that Osha will take Rickon and Bran will go with Hodor, Jojen and Meera.  After Osha and Rickon depart, Bran asks if they will go to Greywater Watch.  But Jojen declares that they have to go north.

 

  That concludes A Clash of Kings.  Next week we start A Storm of Swords.

 

Deaths in this recap: 5.  Luwin (sob!), Black Lorren, Poxy Tym, Ebben and Qhorin (double sob)!

Cumulative deaths: 85.  This is a lot of deaths for two books.  Especially considering these are just the named characters.

Maybe deaths in this recap:  2. Squire Dalbridge and Stonesnake.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  8

Betrayals in this recap:  1.  Instead of gratitude from Tywin, Tyrion gets demoted and put in a shitty little cell.

Cumulative betrayals: 19

Incest incidents: 0  It’s been awhile.

Cumulative incests: 25

 

Teeth!!!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon V, Sansa V, Davos IV, Tyrion XIII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Theon V

  Theon is having a wolf dream.  More like a wolf nightmare.  Direwolves are chasing his ass and I’d say he deserves some nightmares wouldn’t you?  This dream is interrupted by Reek creeping up on Theon’s bed with a candle.  It’s OK, it’s consensual.  Asha has arrived and Theon had previously requested he be alerted when that happens.

  As Theon gets ready to receive Asha he reflects on the fact that he’s been having a lot of nightmares lately.  Either he has a guilty conscience about what he’s done to the boys or there is some sort of supernatural meaning.  In ASOIAF it really could be either.  He even dreams about vagina dentata.  Holy shit!  How is that I’ve read this book three times previous to this recap adventure and I forgot about that?  Is there so much what the fuckery in this series that I could forget something so important as a vagina piranha dream?  Apparently so!

Anyway, after preening for what seems like forever, Theon has some guards take him downstairs.  This is necessary because a lot of Theon’s men have been turning up dead.  Gelmarr the Grim, Aggar, and Gynir Rednose are the names of the victims.  It looks like the smallfolk of Winterfell are not taking so kindly to Theon charging in and killing Stark children.  Who would’ve thunk it!?

  Theon decided to judge Farlen the kennelmaster guilty of the deaths.  Because why not?  Theon sentenced him to death and executed him himself.  Of course, Theon being Theon, the execution got bungled.  It took three whole cuts to sever the head.  Oops.

  In typical Theon fashion, he doesn’t take any responsibility for this turn of events.  He just blames Asha for it.  Because she had the temerity to be Balon’s favorite.  Misandry!  He is even more outraged to find that Asha only brought 10 men to help him hold Winterfell.

  Of course Asha is not too impressed by Theon’s “accomplishments”  she calls him “Prince of Winterfell” in a mocking fashion and asks whether it was harder to kill the cripple or the babe.  Tee-hee!  I’m enjoying this chapter way too much aren’t I?

  Asha and Theon break away from the great hall to speak in private and we learn that Roderick Cassel has at last beaten Dagmer Cleftjaw at Torrhen’s square.  It looks like ol’ Rod is coming back to Winterfell and Dagmer is retreating with the surviving IB.

  Theon is mad because Asha isn’t giving him enough aid.  She rightfully points out that the IB are only good on the sea and Winterfell is too far inland.  She knows that Theon will never hold it.  She knows it was stupid as hell to commit the terrible PR move of killing Bran and Rickon.

  After Asha leaves, Reek approaches Theon to offer his assistance.  He asks leave to go get more men.  A couple hundred of them.  He lets him go.  That night Theon has more nightmares.  He wakes up and goes to survey Bran and Rickon’s dismembered heads.  It is here in Theon’s thoughts we learn that those boys weren’t Bran and Rickon.  They were the Miller’s boys.  Theon only disguised them as the Stark boys.  Oh snap!

 

Sansa V

  After a morning of singing and praying with the other ladies in the sept, it is time to watch the guys ride out to battle.  After a brief chat with Tyrion, Joffrey calls for her.  Joffrey has a new sword of douchiness that he has named Hearteater.  He plans to kill his uncle Stannis with it.

  Because Joffrey is a stupid fucking creep he makes Sansa kiss his sword.  I find the blowjob metaphor between adolescents a bit squicky but, whatever.

  Sansa, who is as I always maintain, smarter than she seems tells Joffrey that her brother Robb always goes where the fighting is thickest because he’s all brave and shit.  See, she’s manipulating Joffrey into going into the thick of battle and endangering himself by challenging his manliness.  Good job S!

  After some Sept going Sansa finally retreats to the safety of Maegor’s Holdfast.  There she finds Falyse Stokeworth trying to coax poor Lollys inside.  Shae is there too!  I think this is the first time we learn that Lollys is pregnant from the gang rape she suffered at the riots.  Horrible, sad stuff.  But I’m glad it’s in here because in real life the disabled are frequently sexual abuse targets and people do forget that.

  Inside the holdfast Sansa finds all the highborn ladies of King’s Landing.  Ilyn Payne is there too.  And he has Ned’s sword Ice.  Then drunk Cersei comes in.  Yes!  I love drunk Cersei!  Sansa asks what Payne is doing there and Cersei points out that he’s probably better than rapey conquerors.  Truth?  I guess?

 

Davos IV

  This chapter is going to be hard to recap.  I’ll admit that upfront.

  Davos is on his ship the Black Betha.  He is commanding with his son Matthos.  There’s a lot of descriptions of the various ships in Stannis’ fleet and I’m sorry but I can’t and won’t go through it all.  The only thing you need to know is that Stannis is on the land front across the Blackwater river from KL.  He isn’t on the fleet.  Also, Davos is feeling insecure because he’s masquerading as a lord but still feels like a smuggler from Flea Bottom deep down.

  Davos is starting to get a little suspicious because he had heard that Tyrion was planning something to keep the Blackwater closed but instead the river is wide open.  It’s almost like a trap :/  Eventually all of Stannis’ fleet gets all bunched up in a small space in the river with only a small number of ships from Joff’s fleet and Davos is getting even more suspicious.  I feel much forboding right now.

  Archers from Joffrey’s army are firing from the city walls onto the Stannis fleet.  Davos sees the signs of a chain but it hasn’t been raised yet.  Still, for some reason he takes time to remember that he talked Stannis into leaving Melisandre behind on Dragonstone because she’s just the worst PR.  And Davos hates her obviously.

  Finally it becomes clear what is going to happen.  Wildfire is being flung at Stannis’ fleet.  Remember that water does not extinguish it.  Stop, drop and roll doesn’t do shit.  Wildfire keeps going until it burns off.  If it gets you, you’re fucked.  Plain and simple.  Suddenly people are burning to death in terrible pain all around Davos.

  Seriously, of all the horrible things that happen in the series, this is one of the worst for me.  People burning alive is a nope.  Do.  Not.  Want.  Now the chain is raised.  Davos’ sons have exploded and death awaits as the whole of Stannis’ fleet (except Sallador’s ship) are trapped in the river.  Fuck.

 

Tyrion XIII

  Tyrion is atop the city walls watching the death and destruction wildfire is bringing Stannis’ fleet.  I’m still shuddering.  He thinks of it as a jade holocaust.  I guess that lightens the mood a little bit.  Only because Jade Holocaust sounds like a good band name.

  Tyrion is still afraid that the chain/wildfire trick isn’t enough.  Stannis’ ground army still outnumbers Joffrey’s army because so many of the Lannister soldiers are off fighting Robb.

  Tyrion also acknowledges at this point that Joffrey’s small fleet and its men were sent out as a doomed decoy.  They’re all burning to death just like Stannis’ men.  Is that a war crime?  I guess I see why it’s necessary but it’s really terrible and makes me uncomfortable.

  Stannis’ men have brought a ram up to one of the city gates.  He goes off to investigate and finds Sandor Clegane.  The Hound is all freaked out by the fire, his one fear.  He takes this inconvenient moment to rebel and also says this awesome thing that I feel every day

 I hear you Sandor.  I hear you.  Who’s better?  Drunk Cersei or drunk Hound?  I just don’t know.  We’ll see drunk Cersei in the next installment and can properly compare and contrast then.

  With no Hound to lead the sortie, Tyrion has to step up and take charge.  He gives a misanthropic yet inspiring speech as only Tyrion can do.  It’s about how there will be no glory in this battle but winning is better because Stannis’ army will probably rape and pillage and that’s no good.  Yay!?

 

Deaths in this recap: 7 Gelmarr, Aggar and Gynir.  Dale, Matthos, Maric and Allard Seaworth.  But then you have to subtract 2 because Bran and Rickon weren’t killed after all and the poor Miller’s boys have no name so they can’t technically be in the tally.  They’re in my heart though.  The real total is 5.

Cumulative deaths: 68

Maybe deaths in this recap:  1.  Davos.  What the hell happened to him?  Poor Davos.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  3

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 16

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

TreebeardBran

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Jon VII, Tyrion XII, Catelyn VII

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet

A quick note:  Since GRRM is forgoing writing a script for season 5 of the TV show to finish TWOW, I’m really hoping that by the time I recap the entirety of the first 5 books, TWOW will be out.  I know.  I’m a sweet summer child.

Jon VII

  Jon, Qhorin, Squire Dalbridge and Ebben are sneaking through the Skirling Pass.  Jon has one of his many heart to heart with a series of mentors so he can someday be a great leader with Qhorin.  Did that sentence make any kind of sense?  I don’t know because wine.  They talk about Mance Rayder who was a Black Brother before deserting to live among the wildlings.  Mance was born as a wildling and captured by the NW as a kid.  Qhorin explains that the wildlings are no better or worse than anyone but they have no discipline because they do not like to defer to any leadership.  I WONDER IF THIS INFORMATION WILL BECOME RELEVANT LATER? 

  The heartfeltiness of the heartfelt talk prompts Jon to confess that he let Ygritte go.  Qhorin is not surprised and he doesn’t really think they necessarily needed her dead.  He was just testing Jon to see what kind of man he is.  So crafty!

  Now it’s time for bed, and with it some weird dreams.  At first Jon has a wolf dream starring ghost.  Then a weirwood tree that sounds and looks like Bran calls out to him.  The tree smells like death but WeirBran tells JonGhost not to be afraid and to open his third eye.  The tree touches Jon and gives him a vision.  The vision is of Mance’s camp.  It is huge.  Not only does it have pretty much all the wildlings, they have mammoths.  Mammoths!  Wow!

  Then an eagle attacks JonGhost and Jon wakes up screaming.  Ebben is mad so Jon has to describe his dream.  The rest of the party seems to realize that Jon is a warg and the eagle attack was a wildling skinchanger.  Ghost is missing and Jon is very worried that the he is hurt or dead.  The fear gets worse after they see an eagle watching them walk.  They eventually found Ghost very hurt but able to walk.  Qhorin decides they must flee. 

  When they get to the spot where they encountered Ygritte and her friends Squire Dalbridge offers to stay behind to shoot arrows at the approaching wildlings and, Jon realizes, to sacrifice his life.

  The next day they hear the wildlings horn in the distance and no they are screwed.

Tyrion XII

  Varys has some news for Tyrion.  News from the north.  Uh oh.  The news is that Bran and Rickon have been killed.  Really GRRM?  That’s how you’re going to deliver the news?  A piece of parchment delivered by the spider?  Troll.

  Cersei isn’t sad at the news when Tyrion tells her.  Obviously.  Because she’s awful (and kind of awesome).  She is a little defensive about it though.  She is pissed that people might blame her for it.  That’s her only worry though.

  Cersei and Tyrion have dinner.  Their dinner is a swan.  A fucking swan.  Why?  She’s in a bad mood because of the Starks, Littlefinger being MIA and Tyrion sending his hill tribesman away because they aren’t disciplined enough to be soldiers.

  Tyrion has to convince Cersei that she needs to allow Joffrey to participate in the fast approaching battle.  It would be the worst PR if he doesn’t.  Sadly, Cersei is a bit of a helicopter parent (GRRM is apparently good at predicting trends) and he really has to work hard to convince her.

  Then Cersei springs one of her very special Cersei surprises on him.  She doesn’t like that Tyrion thinks with the “worm between his legs” so she’s captured his whore.  Tyrion is quite upset!  Cersei is ranting about how he wants Joff dead so he can rule through Tommen.  Cersei says that she will kill her terribly if any harm comes to Joff or Tommen.  This could be really horrifying and sad for Tyrion (that’s all that matters is Tyrion’s feels, right?) but unfortunately for Cersei, she took the wrong whore!  Sad trombone for Cersei.

  Cersei has mistakenly taken Alayaya.  Tyrion declares that whatever happens to her will happen to Tommen too.  Then he tells Cersei that he’ll get her one day and make sure her joy turns to ashes in her mouth.  I’m sure that will never backfire on him at all.  Right?

  When Tyrion gets back to his bedchamber, Shae is there.  Funny!  Varys led her through some secret tunnel to his bedchamber.  She was made to wear a hood so she couldn’t see.  Tyrion, try as he might can’t figure out where the passage is.  This isn’t important information either.  Shhh.

Catelyn VII

  Catelyn and Brienne are eating a morose dinner by themselves while outside the smallfolk are loudly singing and drinking to Edmure’s military victories.  Sadly, Cat has learned the news of Bran and Rickon’s deaths.  This is the point in which her chapters get depressing and contain lines like “I am a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.”

  Because the dinner is so awkward, she finally tells Brienne about what happened.  We get more details than in the previous chapter and they are gruesome.  Theon mounted their heads on the walls of Winterfell after capturing them at the mill.  What an asshole.  I wonder if he’ll get his comeuppance? 😀

  Catelyn wishes death on Theon, Cersei, Jaime and even Tyrion.  Foreshadowing?  We’ll just have to see.

  She tells Brienne that she sent Jaime a shit ton of wine in hopes of getting him wasted and talking.  It worked on Cleos Frey before so why not?  They arrange to meet at midnight to go interrogate him.

  Catelyn passes the time until then by going up to Hoster’s room and angsting at him.  He probably doesn’t understand what she’s saying.

  Finally midnight comes.  When she gets to the dungeon she finds that Jaime has not taken the bait and drunk the wine.  He is still a hot mess though.  The light hurts his eyes because he’s been in the dark like one of the crawlers from The Descent.  There’s shit all over the place, his clothes are soiled and his beard his ungroomed.  Catelyn still notices that he’s pretty hot and after watching seasons 2 and 3 of the TV show, I must concur.

  The two of them make a deal to answer each others questions truthfully.  First, he admits to being Joffrey’s father.  No big shock there.

  Jaime wants to know if his family still lives and when he finds out that Stafford is the only one dead thus far he gives zero fucks.

  Now the kicker.  Catelyn asks him what happened to Bran.  She wonders if he’ll be able to even answer but he has no shame at all and matter of factly tells her that he did in face defenestrate him.  He does however, deny sending the catspaw.  Hmm….

  All this time Jaime has finally been drinking the wine and by now he is quite drunk.  He tells Cat the terrible tale of how Rickard and Brandon Stark died.  Rickard was cooked inside his own armor by Aerys.  Ouch!  Brandon was tied up with a cord around his neck and his sword just out of reach.  He ended up strangling himself.

  This is all told as Jaime’s defense against the kingslaying.  We begin to get an understanding of why he did it and he becomes a character that is no longer a one dimensional villain.  This is one of my favorite parts of the books and I can’t even snark right now even though I’m a bit drunk.

  Anyway, Cat is fairly unmoved because she knows that Jaime did not slay Aerys to avenge the Starks. Also, Jaime starts mocking the fact that Ned had a bastard an we all know that’s a sore subject with Cat.  Finally she calls for Brienne and asks for her sword.

  Whaaa…..?

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Bran and Rickon.  Nooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cumulative deaths: 63

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  Cersei kidnaps who she thinks is Tyrion’s whore

Cumulative betrayals: 16

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

Weasel soup

Book I am reading: A Clash of Kings

Chapters: Arya IX, Daenerys IV, Tyrion XI

Booze in my flagon: Pinot grigio

 

Arya IX

  Arya goes to visit Hot Pie in the kitchen.  He is making tarts for Amory Lorch and Arya wants to spit on them.  She’d make a perfect service sector employee!  I don’t even mean that sarcastically.  A lot of customers deserve that shit.  Arya’s new boss Pinkeye is an alcoholic and passes out every night so she’s feeling a little bolder than she did under Weese.  She proposes escaping but Hot Pie doesn’t actually want to escape because living in the forest and eating bugs kind of sucks.  Arya hears a horn that indicates the gates are being opened and so she steals a tart and goes to see what’s happening.

  It’s the Bloody Mummers returning.  They’ve brought a big black bear with them.  They also have a bunch of prisoners.  The prisoners are all bearing northern sigils.  The prisoners include two nobles, a Glover and a Frey.  There’s a little bit of tension because Amory Lorch and Vargo Hoat hate each other.  I guess there’s only room for one complete and utter sociopathic douchebag per zip code?

  Pinkeye comes down to see the commotion so Arya runs off to escape notice.  She goes past the armory and has a headlong into puberty moment when she sees Gendry doing his metal work and being all muscley and sexy.  She asks him to help her free the Northern/Riverlands prisoners but he isn’t anymore into it than Hot Pie was.

  Finally, Arya realizes that she’s going to have to resort to getting her last name from Jaqen.  She’s been a little afraid of him ever since he Cesar Millaned that dog into killing Weese.  She realizes he’s more of a sorcerer than just a really bad ass assassin.

But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Arya prays to the weirwood tree in Harrenhal’s godswood to get the northerners out and then remembers the Old Gods (OGs?) didn’t do jack shit to help her dad so she starts yelling at them.  Jaqen sneaks up behind her and says “Gods are not mocked, girl.”  Clearly he has never seen any George Carlin standup.  He’s creepy and hot as usual and reveals that he knows she is Arya Stark even though Gendry didn’t spill the beans.

  However, Jaqen won’t help her.  She needs two guards to die to get the Northmen out and she only has one name left.  She makes him swear that he would kill anyone she named no matter what.  She whispers in his name “It’s Jaqen H’ghar.”  Oh snap!

  The ploy works.  He agrees to help her if she takes back his name.  Smart girl!  Jaqen tells her to go to the kitchens to help make a broth and wait for him there.

  Jaqen finally comes to fetch Arya.  Unfortunately he brings those fucks Rorge and Biter with him.  Arya is not too pleased about that.  They all carry a bunch of soup pots into the dungeon.  Jaqen tells Arya to stay out of the way.  Jaqen, Rorge and Biter all threw the soup in the guard’s eyes allowing them to kill them all and let Robett Glover, Aenys Frey and the rest out.  This allows the Northmen to outnumber the small garrison holding Harrenhal.  They took it over.

  Jaqen and Arya agree that his debt is paid and she unsays his name.  Then some freaky shit happens.  He declares Jaqen dead, rubs his hand across his face and becomes an entire new person.  Whoa!

The Artist Formerly Known as Jaqen H’ghar tells Arya that if she comes across the Narrow Sea with him she can learn how to take a new face and name too.  She tells him no because she wants to get home so he gives her an iron coin.  He tells her to give it to any man from Braavos and say “valar morghulis” to find him again.  He leaves in a mysterious swirl of darkness and awesomeness.

  Overnight, the Bloody Mummers turned cloak and joined the northerners, killing Amory Lorch’s men.  The incident becomes known around the castle as dying of hot Weasel Soup.

  That evening the new master of Harrenhal arrives.  It’s Roose Bolton.  Rorge and Biter out Arya as the one responsible for Weasel Soup.  Roose is somewhat impressed so he makes her his cup bearer.  The Bloody Mummers give Amory Lorch to the bear to be torn apart.  Oh well.

 

Daenerys IV

  Dany expects the House of the Undying to be extra opulent.  But it isn’t.  It’s a crumbling ruin.  By the way, this chapter would be best if I was on hallucinogens rather than alcohol, but I’ll do my best.

  The building looks like a serpent and is surrounded by trees whose plants make the Shade of the Evening which is the magic drink the warlocks take.  Jhogo thinks it looks evil and Aggo agrees.  Xaro and Jorah tell her the Warlocks are worthless and won’t do anything for her.  Dany does not heed the warnings and even when Pyat Pree tells her she has to go alone she’ s still desperate enough to agree to those terms.

  Pyat tells Dany the Undying Ones are dangerous and if she values her soul she’ll to always take the rightward door and climb up never down.  He tells her not to enter any room until she gets to the audience chamber.  A dwarf gives her a glass of evening shade and Pyat tells her she has to take it.  This is sounding sketchier by the moment.  At least she has Drogon with her!

  Dany sees many creepy things, A naked woman being eaten by little rat men, a bunch of corpses killed at a feast while a dead man with a wolf head presides, her old house with the lemon tree and Willem Darry, a Targ (Rhaegar) on the iron throne with baby Aegon saying there must be one more because the dragon must have three heads.

  Dany reaches a dead end.  There are only stairs going down and there are no doors on the right.  Drogon is freaking out.  Then it occurs to her that the first door on the right = the last door on the left.  Yay!

  Finally she bursts out into the courtyard to find Pyat standing there telling her she’s only been gone a few minutes.  Dafuq?  That’s like the end of Contact (movie version).  He tries to guide her away but she decides to take the next rightward door anyway.  This causes him to cry and yell.  She turns out to have made the good choice.  She gets to an ebony and weirwood door and beyond it are wizards that seem like they must be the Undying. 

  Drogon freaks out and bites at the ebony and weirwood door.  She runs away and into a room with a big stone table.  Above the table floats a big blue throbbing heart.  Huh?  Around the table are blue shadows.  Maybe these are the real undying?  Maybe Dany is just high as fuck?  All the creepy Undying people are blue and withered and don’t breathe or move.  They just whisper.  Ick.

  They tell her “three heads has the dragon…three fires must you light…one for life and one for death and one to love…three mounts must you ride …one to bed and one to dread and one to love…three treasons will you know…once for blood and once for gold and once for love.”  So many ellipses!  So many…so many…

  They call her “mother of dragons, daughter of death” and show her Viserys dying, a man with silver hair and copper skin before a fiery stallion banner, Rhaegar dying with his rubies, a red sword in the hand of a blue eyed king who casts no shadow (Stannis prolly) and a mummer’s cloth dragon.

 Fuck me this chapter is cool to read but a pain to write up.  Is it over yet?  No?  Ok…

  A stone beast flies from a burning tower and the phantoms say “mother of dragons, slayer of lies…” and then she sees a corpse on ship and the phantoms say “mother of dragons, bride of fire…”  More ellipses!  So many!

  Then the visions come to fast to process, the phantoms start grasping her and then Drogon comes to the rescue.  He burns them and burns the whole damn building.  Dany escapes and Pyat is pissed.  Now I think I’m tripping by proxy 😦

 

Tyrion XI

  It’s the eve of battle with Stannis.  Tyrion sends Shagga and the Stone Crows to hunt down his scouts.  Sending the clansmen away leaves Tyrion feel vulnerable because he doesn’t trust Bronn’s sellswords.  Can’t imagine why :/

  Tyrion also doesn’t trust the Gold Cloaks.  Neither does their leader Jacelyn Bywater.  He thinks they’ll desert if the battle starts turning against the Lannisters.  It’s looking bad.  So bad.  Especially since the smallfolk are still hungry and pissed off.  Who can blame them? 

  Tyrion reflects on the loss of Harrenhal for the Lannisters and the loss of Winterfell for the Starks.  Tyrion finds himself empathetic to the Starks but pushes that thought of the way.  Don’t try to hide it Tyrion.  You know you’re as much of a Stark fan as most of the readers!  Especially since no one likes Theon.

  Later Tyrion goes to the swearing in ceremony for the new King’s Guard.  He approves of Balon Swann.  He doesn’t approve of Osmund Kettleblack.  Kettleblack is shady.  We know this is true because of literary shorthand/stereotyping.  He’s low born with a hook nose and a spade shaped beard.  Like the devil.  Oh noes!

  Later Tyrion meets with Pyromancer (pie romancer!) Hallyne.  Hallyne claims to have 13,000 jars of wildfire.  Tyrion is skeptical but Hallyne claims that in addition to finding an old cache, the spells to make new “substance” are working better than usual.  We are to infer that it’s because of the dragons.  Hallyne even asks if there are dragons about.  Tyrion is skeptical of course but Hallyne remembers that magic died out with the last dragon so it is all kinds of suspicious.

  Later on Varys arrives with the news that some people think Stannis will win and are on his side.  They call themselves the Antler Men.  Tyrion orders them arrested.

 

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Amory Lorch of course.  I’m also counting Jaqen.

Cumulative deaths: 59

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  I’m counting Arya saying Jaqen’s name.  I understand it, but it was still kind of shitty.

Cumulative betrayals: 15

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

 

I’ve got a dick in a braizer for you

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion X, Catelyn VI, Bran VI

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Tyrion X

  Lancel, in his function as spy/Tyrion’s bitch tells Tyrion Cersei’s plans to send Tommen away to live at nearby Rosby with Lord Gyles.  Even though Gyles Rosby isn’t much like Rupert Giles from Buffy, I always think of him whenever he’s mentioned.  Tommen will have his hair dyed brown so he isn’t recognized.  Cersei fears Tyrion will harm Tommen for some reason.  Later, Tyrion sends Jacelyn Bywater to track down Tommen, oust Gyles’ men and take of Tommen himself.  Tyrion thinks Gyles is too much of a wuss to protect Tommen.  That’s why Gyles < Giles.

personal animated GIF

  Tyrion goes to visit Shae.  She’s hanging out with a singer.  His name is Symon Silver Tongue.  Tyrion is none too pleased to see him.  Because he keeps forgetting that Shae is a sex worker and not actually his girlfriend so he has no right to be possessive. Maybe the term “girlfriend experience” hasn’t been invented in Westeros yet?

  After they ditch Symon and have sex, Tyrion goes out to the garden to angst and brood (what is he Jon Snow now?) and Varys comes to visit him.  He’s dressed as a begging brother and smells very bad.  Not like his usual lavender scent.  Tyrion doesn’t recognize him at first but Shae did.  She tells him that “A whore learns to see the man, not hid garb, or she turns up dead in an alley.”  I like that quote and actually think it can apply to any woman who lives in a decent sized city, not just sex workers.  It’s like the whole Schrodinger’s Rapist thing.

  Anywho, Varys is there to deliver bad news.  He informs Tyrion of Cortnay Penrose’s death.  Storm’s End has fallen to Stannis.  One might question why this is information Varys needed to tell Tyrion in secret.  Won’t this be discussed at the council meeting?

  Tyrion takes Shae aside for a moment.  He tries to convince her to leave the city so she won’t be killed when Stannis comes a calling.  Instead she wants to become Tyrion’s legit lady and bear him sons.  She also wants him to kill Cersei so nobody in town can stop them.  He informs her that kin slayers are cursed in the sight of both gods and men.  Tee hee.  Foreshadowing.  Instead he proposes Shae becomes a scullion (kitchen) maid.  Ouch.  He’s thinks she’d be safer in the Red Keep, but of course she’s pretty offended.  She mocks him for being afraid of his father and he slaps her.  Nice domestic violence Tyrion!  Ick.  He feels guilty and tells her the Tysha story.  I think that’s supposed to make us feel sympathy for Tyrion, but from what I can tell, abusers tend to have some sort of sob story excusing their violence so I’m not inclined to give any fucks.  Shae buys it though.  She agrees to go work in the kitchens.

  Tyrion goes back out to meet Varys berating himself for thinking a whore might lurve him for real. Varys agrees to help him place Shae in the kitchens.  Varys warns him the kitchens are super gossipy like the downstairs portion of Downton Abbey so Shae will need to memorize a good back story.  He also warns Tyrion that sexual harassment runs rampant in the kitchens, but Tyrion would Shae get fondled than stabbed.  What nice choices!

  Luckily for Shae, Lady Tanda Stokeworth needs a new maid for Lollys.  Lollys was already developmentally disabled.  Since being raped in the riots she’s regressed.  That’s just horribly, horribly sad.  But hey, it’s convenient for Tyrion that Lollys won’t care much about who Shae is and where she came from.  Varys also reveals that there is a secret passage leading to Tyrion’s bedchamber so Shae might be able to visit.

  With all the important booty call business taken care of, Tyrion is able to refocus on Penrose’s demise.  According to Varys, he threw himself from a tower.  Some guards witnessed it.  Of course, we readers know that the second shadow baby was the culprit.  Varys seems to think something fishy is going to do.  Tyrion laughs it off.  This prompts Varys to tell the story of how he was cut.  It’s a doozy.

  Varys was an orphan boy apprenticed to a mummer’s troupe.  In Myr some creepy dude offered to pay Varys’ master a lot of money for him.  The master was a horrible person so he agreed to this.  The creepy guys made young Varys drink a potion that paralyzed him but didn’t dull his senses.  He cut off both the frank and the beans.  I don’t even possess those parts and that made me cringe.  I can’t imagine how the penis havers felt reading this.  Then Male Lorena Bobbitt threw the genitals on a brazier.  The flames turned blue and Varys heard a disembodied voice speaking in another language.

  After the ordeal, creepy spell casting dude had no further use for Varys and put him out on the streets.  This story just keeps getting more distressing.  Varys pulled himself up by his bootstraps, did whatever he needed to survive and eventually became a really good thief.  Murica!  Myr!  It was during this time Varys learned that secrets were more valuable than coins. 

  The moral of the story is, magic is evil and Varys hates it.  I think if he were in modern society he would become one of those anti circ nuts that always brigades comments section.  But this is Planetos and instead Varys is an anti-magic zealot.  Because of this Varys wants Stannis dead.  I’m filing this away as possible foreshadowing.  Will Varys be involved in Stannis or Melisandre’s eventual demise?  Time will tell.  Hopefully not too much time.

 

Catelyn VI

  On to more cheerful things.  Oh wait, no.  It’s a Cat chapter.  Never mind.  Edmure rides off to war.  Catelyn’s not particularly thrilled with this.  It leaves her in a funk and she starts reminiscing.  We learn more about her background.  Catelyn’s two older brothers died in infancy and then her mother died giving birth to Edmure.  Cat was always both the dutiful eldest child and she had to function as lady of Riverrun.  This explains why she’s always so serious.  She’s always been focused on doing her duty.

  Cat tells Brienne all about how difficult being separated from her children is.  Brienne thinks childbirth is just as difficult and dangerous as fighting war.  Which is a great point.

  Riverrun also receives the news that Cortnay Penrose is dead and Storm’s End is fallen.  This means Stannis has Robert’s bastard Edric Strom.  This leads to Cat to thinking about bastard.  She wonders how Jon’s mother felt about Ned’s death.  She contrasts Ned’s protectiveness of Jon to Roose’s attitude when news of Ramsay’s death reached him.  He was glad to be rid of Ramsay because “tainted blood is ever treacherous.”  Damn.  The Boltons are even colder than the Bushes.

  Cat’s thoughts are interrupted by news of Lannisters marching across the Red Fork.  They are led by one of Lord Brax’s sons.  It is only a small host and supposedly Riverrun is not endangered.  Cat and Brienne can sort of see and hear the ensuing battle from the tower.  Edmure and his men won easily.

  That night, more Lannisters show up.  With it being dark Cat is less able to figure out what’s happening.  However, Edmure is again victorious.  The next morning word arrives of another victory to the south.  Yay!  Of course, Catelyn isn’t thrilled.  She never really is.  She sends lots of wine down to Cleos Frey so he can be drunk when she questions him later. 

  Once Cleos is good and sloshed she pays a visit to his cell.  She threatens him into giving her information about Arya and Sansa.  He has to admit that he only saw Sansa in King’s Landing.  She tries not to think about the possibility that Arya is dead.

  Later more word comes of several more attempts to cross the Trident.  The Tully men beat them all back.  Catelyn wants to be happy but can’t.  She wonders why, if they are winning, is she so afraid?  Because GRRM is a big meanie?

 

Bran VI

  This chapter opens with Bran having a wolf dream.  Summer is hearing weird clinking and scraping noises.  Summer and Shaggydog are distressed and smell strange men.  Unfortunately the direwolves have been locked up.  Summer who is melded with Bran even tries to climb a tree to escape but can’t do it.  He falls and this shakes Bran awake.

  Bran is afraid.  He knows that Jojen’s dream about the sea flooding Winterfell is coming true.  Moments later, Theon busts in.  Oh Theon, fuck you.  He tells Bran he’s taken Winterfell and is now the prince.  Poor Bran is still a naïve kid and doesn’t quite get it.  So Theon informs him he is being taken to the great hall and had better say the right things.

  Luwin later comes for Bran.  He has a gash above his eye.  He tells Bran that the Iron Born have scaled the walls.  They killed Alebelly.  Just like Jojen predicted.  Luwin managed to get two ravens off with the news.  One was shot down, but the raven sent to White Harbor got away.  Luwin helps Bran dress and advises him to yield to protect the smallfolk.

  Once downstairs, Bran sees the Reeds and Big and Little Walder.  Little Walder is prickish as usual and gloats over Bran’s new status as a hostage.  Shut up L. Walder.  You suck and something bad will surely happen to you.  The direwolves are howlin in the distance.  Theon, ever the asshole, lords his victory over Bran and Rickon.  Several Winterfellians are hurt and/or traumatized.  One of the Iron Born brings Reek in.  Oh good.

  Theon tries to speak but Mikken keeps shouting.  Bran tells him to be quiet after some IB beat on Mikken a little.  Bran officially yields Winterfell to Theon and this is probably one of the saddest, shittiest things that happen in the whole series.  The Starks have held Winterfell for thousands of years.  This is just not right!

  Mikken will just not shut up.  He refuses to serve Theon and keeps getting more beat up.  Bran desperately wants him to shut the fuck up.  But he won’t.  Finally one of the IB kills him by driving a spear through his neck.  Poor Hodor is now extremely distressed and is Hodoring very loudly over and over.  He gets beaten too.  Noooo!!!

  Theon tells the assembly that he’ll be as good to them as Ned Stark was.  Ha!  But they’ll be sorry if they ever betray him.  Reek pledges him his fealty, and then Osha does too.  They both want their freedom.  Bran has the sads because he thought that Osha was a friend.  No little boy, she was a captive.  Duh.  Afterwards beaten up Hodor cries and carries Bran back to his bedchamber and I just want to die.

Deaths in this recap:  3.  Poor Cortnay Penrose and Alebelly didn’t even get to die on page.  Mikken went down like a bad ass though.

Cumulative deaths: 57

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  I go back and forth about whether taking Winterfell constitutes a betrayal, but what the hell.  Bran feels betrayed so I’m counting it.

Cumulative betrayals: 14

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

There’s a shadow baby in my soup!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion IX, Davos II, Jon V

Booze in my flagon:  Orange vodka/soda

 

Tyrion IX

  It is time for Myrcella to be sent to Dorne to ensure the alliance with the Martells.  It is made into a big lavish production.  The obese High Septon blesses Myrcella who is being sent with a kingsquard, Arys Oakheart.   The smallfolk are out in droves to watch the whole thing and Tyrion can sense their hatred.

  Myrcella never cries as she is sailing away but Tommen does.  So of course, Joffrey just has to be a dick about it.  Sansa tries to stand up for Tommen but Joffrey threatens to kill her.  Nice.

  As he watches the fleet sail away, Tyrion reflects on how he trusts Varys too much.  Yeah, that’s probably not a great idea.  We also learn that Littlefinger has been gone for a suspiciously long time.  Many people think he’s dead but Tyrion figures he isn’t.  It seems like he’s probably up to no good.  Just a thought.

  When it’s time to leave, the royal family and their people must navigate their horses through a crush of people.  All the peasants, who are starving because no food is coming into the city are staring at them with resentment.  When they are halfway back to the Red Keep a woman runs out in front of the column.  She’s carrying the corpse of a dead baby.  Part of me wants to go look up some of those tasteless dead baby jokes people used to tell in middle school, but I won’t.  I don’t need to because the most amazing thing happens next.

  After Cersei tells the woman that there’s nothing more anyone can do for the baby, the woman flips right the fuck out.  She calls Cersei a “Kingslayer’s whore” and “Brotherfucker!”  Beautiful.  Then someone in the crowd throws dung and it hits Joffrey in the face.  Beautifullest.

  Joffrey freaks out and promises 100 golden dragons to whoever gives him up.  He wants to behead the culprit and sends the Hound into the crowd.  This is starting to cause a mosh pit like atmosphere.  Tyrion advises they get out but Joffrey is stupid and is still insisting on finding the poo flinger.  Now the crowd is calling Joffrey “bastard” and “monster” and Tyrion “freak” and “halfman.”  They’re also demanding bread and cheering for the other king claimants.

  Chaos ensues.  Kingsguard member Aron Santagar is pulled off his horse and killed.  They got back inside and Lord Gyles reports seeing the High Septon pulled off his litter and killed.  Sansa, the Hound, Preston Greenfield of the kingsguard, Lollys Stokeworth and Tyrek Lannister, Tyrions teen cousin are all missing.  In a rage, Tyrion slaps Joffrey.  It’s glorious.  Of course, Joffrey is a complete piece of shit and doesn’t learn any lesson.  Tyrion orders KG members Boros Blount and Mandon Moore to go look for Sansa and Boros isn’t pleased about it.  They are close to coming to blows, but then, The Hound returns carrying Sansa.  She is bleeding from a gash on her forehead and very traumatized, but physically more or less OK.  Rioting and fires take place in the city for the rest of the night.  Later, Preston Greenfield’s body was found and Lollys was sadly gang raped but still alive.  Tyrek Lannister remains missing.

 

Davos II

  Team Stannis are camped outside of Storm’s End.  Ser Cortnay Penrose, its garrison will not give up Storm’s End or Robert’s bastard Edric Storm.  Stannis has gotten tired and haggard looking.  Like something drained the life from him.  Melisandre is by him constantly.  Creepy.  Stannis’ bannermen want to take up Penrose’s offer of single combat to settle things. 

  Davos and Stannis shoot the shit talking about treacherous his formerly Renly supporting bannermen are.  They talk about how Davos keeps his amputated fingers in a pouch around his neck to remind him where he came from.  Predictably, Stannis emos about how everyone likes Robert and Renly better.  He tells Davos that he dreamed of Renly’s death at the time it happened.  It gives Davos the heebie-jeebies.

  Later at dinner, Davos advises Stannis to abandon Storm’s End and strike for King’s Landing.  Stannis nixes that plan.  He knows that no one loves him and he needs people to fear him to keep his people in line.  He informs Davos that Melisandre has seen Penrose’s death in the flames.  It will occur within the day.  Once again Davos is well and good heebie-jeebied.  He wants Davos to secretly land a boat beneath the castle that night.  He is to take Mel with him.

  While going into the drainage tunnels Davos and Melisandre discuss the nature of good and evil.  Davos believes in shades of grey.  Mel believes in only good and evil but thinks that everything done in the service of R’hllor is inherently good.  There’s a lot of talk of rotten onions.  Once beneath the walls of Storm’s End Mel takes off her cloak to reveal … a giant ass pregnant belly!  She gives birth to the same Stannis looking shadow creature that killed Renly.  The shadow slips between the bars and enters Storm’s End.

George Michael: ..then Uncle Tobias showed us these really rough pictures that proved that she was really Aunt Lindsay’s daughter. I just feel like I can’t be around her or Aunt Lindsay. They were really rough… pictures.Michael: No, I remember their birth announcement like it was yesterday.[image] “There’s A Girl in My Soup! Announcing Our Daughter: Maeby Fünke.
Development Arrested - 3x13
GUYS I spent far too long photoshopping this to look like the original.

 

Jon V

  In the middle of the night Qhorin Halfhand and company finally arrive to the fist to meet up with Mormont and company.  Qhorin is the mostest fiercest warrior the Night’s Watch has.  Qhorin knows who Jon is right away because he has the Stark look.  They were late getting to the Fist because they were attacked by wildlings.

  Qhorin has found out why Mance and all the wildlings are in the Frostfangs.  He’s a power that will take the Wall down.  He and Mormont decide to send scouts back into the mountains to find out what’s going on.  Qhorin will lead them.  Mormont will keep the bulk of the NW.  Qhorin is allowed to choose what men he wants to take.  He chooses Jon Snow.

Deaths in this recap:  3.  The High Septon, Aron Santagar, and Preston Greenfield in the riots.

Cumulative deaths: 54

Maybe deaths in this recap:  1.  Tyrek Lannister, missing.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 13

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

So many bad ideas, so few nope llamas

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Bran V, Tyrion VIII, Theon III

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Bran V

  A raven arrives at Winterfell with news of Robb’s big victory against the Lannisters at Oxcross.  However, Bran is disappointed that Tywin is not yet defeated and Robb will not be coming home.  Maester Luwin also tells Big and Little Walder that their uncle Stevron Frey is dead.  Those two little shits have zero fucks to give and just LOL at how old Stevron is.  Bran realizes this situation is proof that Jojen’s greendreams are prophetic.  The Freys got the bad dish but liked the taste of it better.  In real life I would put this all down to confirmation bias, but hey, fantasy!

  Later Jojen barges into Bran’s bed chamber with Meera ready to tell Bran about the dream of disaster at Winterfell he had.  He dreamt that the sea comes to Winterfell and drowns many of its residents including Mikken, Alebelly, and Septon Chayle.  I’m not sure what need they have for a Septon now that Catelyn’s gone anyway.  Is that callous?  Winterfell is many leagues away from the sea so it’s all cryptic but Bran seems to be a believer now.  He wants to warn the people that Jojen saw dead to save them.  Jojen is all fatalistic about the whole thing and declares that it will not help.

  Instead, Jojen wants to hear about Bran’s dreams.  Bran describes his wolf dreams.  Jojen calls Bran a warg.  In the book the word ‘warg’ appears in italics so you know it’s extra dramatic.  The ever comforting Jojen warns Bran that even his own people will want to hurt or even kill him if they hear about his wargtastic state of being.  The perfect thing to tell a nine year old.  He tells Bran that they aren’t mere dreams and they can’t be changed so he might as well shut up about becoming a knight.

  Bran ignores Jojen’s opinion that he can’t change the foreseen deaths and decides to try and warn them.  Predictably it doesn’t do much.  Mikken makes fun of him, Chayle doesn’t really care and figures he’ll die when the gods see fit and Alebelly does pay heed but his solution is to stop bathing so he gets so extra stinky that his buddies force him to bathe.

  A few days later, Rodrick comes back to Winterfell with a prisoner.  He is called Reek.  He has long greasy hair, wormy looking lips and smells like literal shit.  In other words, he is exactly what you imagine an internet troll to be.  Reek was a servant to Roose Bolton’s bastard Ramsay.  Ramsay was killed and Reek captured while they were in the middle of committing rapes on Hornwood lands.  It turns out that with Reek’s aid, Ramsay forcibly married Lady Hornwood, locked her in a tower and left her to starve to death.  She was found with her fingers chewed off.  I get why that imagery was used because it’s horrifically gruesome, but wouldn’t she die of dehydration long before she got that hungry?  Oh well.  That’s kind of nitpicky I guess.  In any case; I think this calls for a nope llama.

  Rodrick and Maester Luwin worry that this will create a difficult political situation with Roose Bolton because Lady Hornwood signed a will naming Ramsay as heir, but it was signed under duress.  They are not sure if Roose will press his claim on the Hornwood’s lands.  Bolton men and Manderly men are fighting each other in the Hornwood forests.  It’s a hot mess.  They decide to keep Reek alive until Robb returns because he is a witness.  Um, that might, just might be a bad idea guys?

  Bran tells Luwin about Jojen’s dream.  Of course, he is skeptical but he has to admit to Bran that the Ironborn are raiding the Stony Shore.  Later, Jojen tells Bran he had a dream about Reek in which he was skinning the faces off of Bran and Rickon.  He saw Bran and Rickon down in the crypts.  Again, these are not appropriate things to tell a child about!  The chapter dramatically ends with Jojen reminding Bran that the greendreams cannot be changed. 

 

Tyrion VIII

  Varys is villainously warming his hands above the brazier and informing the small council of Renly’s demise.  Varys has heard many theories about who did it but either isn’t sure which is correct or is pretending not to be sure.  Cersei, with her usual pissiness is angry at him for not being sure.  In any case, Tyrion is thinking Stannis was behind it.  The sudden death is not good news for team Lannister because they were counting on Stannis and Renly’s armies decimating each other so the winner was too weakened to be a threat.  Most of Renly’s forces have gone over to Stannis..

  However, the Tyrells, Tarlys and Rowans haven’t gone over and are free agents now.  Also, Storm’s End hasn’t yielded under the watch of the castellan Cortnay Penrose.  Word is Loras was so upset he killed Emmon Cuy and Robar Royce for not saving Renly.  They see an opportunity to win the Tyrells by voiding Joffrey’s betrothal to Sansa and promising him to Margaery instead.  The prospect makes Cersei mad for no reason I can see.  I’m pretty sure she automatically hates everything that wasn’t her own idea.  She finally does reluctantly agree and she and Tyrion try to talk each other into being the one to go to Bitterbridge to treat with the Tyrells.  In a surprise twist Littlefinger agrees to step on go.  That’s not suspicious at all.  Tyrion doesn’t trust it but he has no choice to agree.  Slobber Redwyne will go with to be returned to Lord Paxter Redwyne in hopes of winning him over to the Lannisters side too.  Horror will be left in KL as insurance.

  After the meeting is over, Cersei suddenly starts buttering Tyrion up.  She thanks him for his awesome performance as the Hand and kisses him on the cheek.  Obviously she is up to something.

 

Theon III

  We join Theon on his raiding mission on the Stony Shore.  He has captured Benfred Tallheart.  Aeron Damphair wants him killed, Theon wants Benfred questioned but Benfred is belligerent.  He says he will not answer questions and swears Theon will die for his fuckery.  This makes Theon decide to kill him.  Aeron wants him given to the Drowned God and he wants Theon to be the one to drown him.  Theon however, unlike Ned cannot stomach executing his own prisoner and refuses to do it.  Oh Theon!  For all his bragging about almost cutting down Jaime at Whispering Wood he sure is chickenshit with his prisoner.

  After Benfred is dead and the looting complete Theon seeks out Dagmer Cleftjaw.  Dagmer has a hideous scar down his face.  He was sort of a surrogate father to Theon.  Theon whines about Balon not really trusting him and outlines his wishes to do something more than just harry the shore.  Dagmer admits that Theon is untrusted because he is too close to Robb.  Poor Theon.  Nobody likes him.  A lot of that is because he is a douche, but still.  It’s kind of sad.

  Anyway, Theon’s dastardly plan is to have Dagmer lay siege to Torrhen’s Square home of the Tallhearts.  This will draw Rodrick and Winterfell’s garrison leaving Winterfell undefended.  Uh oh.

 

Deaths in this recap:  4.  Poor Lady Hornwood, Benfred Emmon, and Robar didn’t even get the courtesy of dying on page.

Cumulative deaths: 50

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  I can’t remember if I already counted Theon betraying Robb, but I think it’s worth mentioning again.  Bad Theon.

Cumulative betrayals: 13

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

 

Kissin’ Cousins

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion VII, Arya VII, Catelyn

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Tyrion VII

  Cersei has Tyrion awakened by cousin Lancel in the middle of night.  Tyrion figures she thinks his wits might be slower, but he’s an insomniac so it he’s used to thinking while tired.  Not that it takes much to outwit Cersei.  Everyone but Ned can do it.  Lancel via Cersei wants Tyrion to release Pycelle.  Lancel tries to be intimidating but it doesn’t really work and Tyrion accuses him of having an affair with Cersei.  Lancel is a giant wuss.  He folds and admits to participating in the death of Robert and doing Cersei.

Pretty soon, Lancel is begging for mercy and pledges to spy for Tyrion.  Tyrion tells him he’ll release and advises Lancel not to knock Cersei up.

  Feeling drunk on awesomeness, Tyrion has Bronn take to see Shae.  Her guard is an ugly man with a hare lip and a lazy eye because Tyrion doesn’t want any hotties hanging around Shae.  He wakes up Shae with oral sex and thinks about great his life going and how powerful he is.  I’m sure that will last. 

 

Arya VII

  Arya has settled in to life as a serving girl in Harrenhal.  Compared to hanging out with The Mountain it doesn’t seem to bad.  Hot Pie gets to work in the kitchens because fatty love cake amirite?!  Gendry was sent to the forge.  Tywin is there but she never gets anywhere near him.  Her boss, Weese is a huge asshole who has his dog maul servants that piss him off.  This earns him a place in Arya’s prayers.

  A couple weeks later a group of mercenaries called the Bloody Mummers by others and the Brave Companions by themselves arrives at Harrenhal.  They’re a variety of nationalities and they’re led by Vargo Hoat.  He has a lisp.  They’re a troublesome lot and fights break out between them and the Lannisters their very first night.  Luckily, they soon leave but not before Arya hears them speak about Robb being at Riverrun.  Now she knows he’s close.

  There are also hostages from the north who have freedom of the castle.  One of them is Lord Cerwyn.  She doesn’t know the other two. She thinks Cerwyn might remember and help her, but he was injured and dies before she can talk to him.

  On yet another day, she sees Amory Lorch.  Rorge, Biter and Jaqen H’ghar are working for him.  That pisses her off and she starts to wish she let them die.  That night, Arya is having a wolf dream when Jaqen wakes her up.  He leads her into the cellar.  Hopefully this won’t turn into a Lifetime movie about sexual predators…

  Nope!  He just wants to tell Arya that he owes her a debt.  Since she saved three lives he will kill three people of her choosing.  Only death pays for life.  You would think it would be appropriate for him to save three lives at her behest, but hey, this is Westeros.  Even help is dark and nefarious.  She thinks it over and decides it might be more practical to get someone in the vicinity than someone in King’s Landing.

  The next morning, Weese threatens to cut out Arya’s tongue and then he twists her ear.  Bad move buddy!  Her resentment is building but she remembers her fathers policy of killing those that wrong him himself and Arya decides it isn’t right to have someone else kill people for her.  Arya would make a terrible politician.

  Weese has Arya serve some of the Mountain’s men.  She hears Chiswyck tell an oh so hilarious story about gang raping a brewer’s thirteen year old daughter.  Ew.  That was too much for her ethics so she whispered “Chiswyck” in Jaqen’s ear.  Three days later he is dead.  Supposedly from a fall.

 

Catelyn III

  Catelyn is headed to a spot near Stannis’ camp just outside of Storm’s End.  Renly is on his way as way as well.  Cat is going to attempt to negotiate a peace deal between the two feuding brothers.  Stannis arrives first bearing his new standard, the Baratheon stag inside the firey heart of R’hllor.  With him is Melisandre.  He promises justice for Ned’s death, but not before complaining about he should have been hand instead.  Seems like a blessing not to have been the hand since they tend to get murdered, but OK.  He tells her that he will return her daughters once he takes King’s Landing, but he needs Renly’s men to be on his side first.

  Renly soon arrives.  He is jaunty and flip and teases Stannis about how nobody wants to be king.  Catelyn scolds them for squabbling instead of uniting to fight the Lannisters, but they have zero fucks to give about Baratheon unity.  She points out that they are both traitors to the crown, so what difference does it make who the older brother is.  Stannis fills her in about Joffrey’s bastardy.  This is the first she’s heard of it.  Renly doesn’t seem to believe Joffrey is a bastard, or he pretends not to.

  Stannis ground his teeth.

  Renly took out a peach and started eating it.

  Maturity abounds.

  Things get even more heated and they almost come to blows.  Stannis gives Renly the night to change his mind and surrender.  Renly laughs him off because he has the bigger army.  They agree to meet at sunrise.

 

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Cerwyn who I didn’t know and Chiswyck who I didn’t like.

Cumulative deaths: 45

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

Deliverance: North of the wall style.

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Jon III, Theon II, Tyrion VI

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Holy shit.  It’s been a while.  Sorry to all my vast hordes of readers :/

 

Jon III

  Jon is getting blown.  By rain lashing across his face as he rides alongside LC Mormont through the haunted forest.  It’s been raining for six days.  The NW rangers are wet, muddy, and I assume very stinky.  On the bus, whenever it’s raining and cool the combination of coats and rain always make it stink like cool ranch Doritos and mildew.  That’s how I imagine these guys smell.

  They are on their way to Craster’s keep.  Craster has a reputation for being a “kinslayer, liar, raper, and craven” who traffics with slavers and demons and worse.  But he’s a friend to the Watch and always helps them out, so they turn a blind eye.  Craster is also the Warren Jeffs of ASOIAF universe.  He has a whole harem of wives and they’re also his daughters.  Ew.

  Mormont commands Jon to ride up and down the column and warn all the NW members to keep their hand’s off the sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Why, oh, why can’t that go without saying?

  Like any good perverted rural psycho, Craster has a home that is ramshackle and filthy.  There’s even a gate with animal skulls on poles.  A ram on one side, a bear with bits of flesh on the other.  He couldn’t just have a garden gnome?

  Dolorous Edd is tending the horses.  He thinks the muddy hills surrounding Craster’s keep look like they’re made of Craster’s shit. Edd’s the best.  He’s like a combination of Daria and George Carlin.  Edd tells Jon that Mormont wants him to join all the big wigs inside the keep.  The hall is leaky and muddy and smells of dung, so maybe Edd had a point? 

  Craster is in the midst of telling Mormont and the other senior rangers that he has not seen Benjen.  Will we ever find uncle Stark?  Mormont offers to allow Craster and his wives south of the Wall, but Craster will have none of it.  Even hearing the tale of Rykker and Flowers becoming wights doesn’t sway him.  Craster only says that he is a godly man.  What gods protect from the wights and the Others?  It’s all incredibly creepy.

  Craster does offer to share what info he has on Mance Rayder.  If the NW gives him some wine and an.  Finally, Craster does something I can understand!  He then sees Jon and somehow notices that he looks like a Stark.  He’s pretty contemptuous upon finding out that he’s a bastard.  According to Craster you should marry every woman you bed.  I guess this makes him a dream man for the rom-com fans.

  Later Jon is outside.  He sees Ghost menacing one of Craster’s sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Well, not so much menacing as stealing Craster’s rabbits.  She’s pregnant and some of the other NW men take this as a signal that she should be harassed and teased.  One of them is Chett, he of the face boils.  The girl runs away.

  The next morning, Jon wakes up to find that same girl.  She is wrapped up in Sam’s cloak.  She wants Jon to take her away with them when they go.  It seems Sam gave her the impression that that was a possibility.  She introduces herself as Gilly.  She wants to escape for the safety of her baby.  She thinks she’s going to have a boy and Craster always gives the boy babies to the gods whenever the “white cold” comes.  Jon inquires about gods she means.  She says “The cold gods, the ones in the night.  The white shadows.”  So very creepy.

                                   I’m from MN.  I had to do it.

Jon had to inform Gilly again that it was a no go.  He doesn’t have a choice, but feels guilty and mad at Sam for getting her hopes up.

  After breakfast, Jon confronts Mormont about what he’s figured about Craster’s nighttime activities.  To nobody’s surprise, Mormont already knows.  Mormont is a pragmatic sort and he tells Jon that Craster has provided so much aid to the NW that there’s no choice but to turn a blind eye.  After that life lesson about realpolitik is dispensed, he also informs Jon that Mance is gathering the wildings at the Frostfangs, a mountain range. That is why the villages have all been empty.  We leave the chapter on the brutal realization that the NW is a shell of its former self and the wildlings far outnumber them.

 

Theon II

  Theon is looking at his new ship and sees a woman approaching him.  He’s kind of the Beavis and Butthead of Westeros so of course he’s pretty pleased about this.  He hits on her very aggressively and creepily.  She tells him that she’s married and pregs and gives him some snark.  Of course, this just turns him on more because he’s one of those guys.  She tells him that her name is Esgred and she knows he’s Theon Greyjoy.  After much bantering, including talk of naming the ship the Sea Bitch, Theon invites Esgred back to Pyke with him.  She agrees.  He fetches his squire, a mute named Wex from a local inn and get on their way.

  Theon and Esgred share a horse because they aren’t all that common on the Iron Islands.  Theon is a gross creeper and he keeps trying to fondle Esgred.  If Theon were in our society, he’d be that guy who sends dick pics to random women on OK Cupid.  He also spends much of the ride bragging about how he is Balon’s heir and what a great man he is. 

  When they get to Pyke, the stablemen came out to greet them.  He addressed Esgred as Asha.  Asha is Theon’s older sister.  That’s right.  Theon was hitting on his sister this who time and she didn’t bother to tell him.  Oh, George.  You and your incest.  It’s been 10 years.  She used to have pimples and no boobs.  Now she has boobs and no pimples.  Apparently, since Theon only tells women apart by boob size and shape he couldn’t recognize her.  When he asks why she let him make an ass of himself, Asha says that she wanted to see who he really was.

  Theon goes to his room and sulks for awhile and blames his fuckery on Asha being an evil bitch.  Then he heads down to dinner.  Most of Balon’s allies are there.  None of them have any fucks to give about Theon’s presence.  Once seated, Theon orders wine from the servants while Asha orders ale.  This emasculates poor Theon further.  Then Asha brings out her axe, smashes it into the table and declares it her lord husband.  She does that to mock Theon and everyone in the hall joins in the mockery.  Asha is a grade A troll really.  She points out that he is not trusted because he spent so much time on the green lands with the Starks.  And their laws don’t apply.  Theon isn’t necessarily the heir just because he is Balon’s only living son.

  After dinner, Balon convenes a meeting.  He tells Theon to take a mere 8 longships and harry the Stony Shore.  That’s a shitty rural coastal area in the north.  He will be accompanied by Aeron the boring religious uncle and Dagmar Cleftjaw who’s actually sort of cool (by Ironborn standards).  This is a huge dis and will bring Theon no glory.  Asha gets 30 ships and is commanded to take Deepwood Motte, the castle belonging to Lord Glover.  Victarion, Balon’s brother gets the best job of all.  Taking Moat Cailin on the neck between the north and south.  Theon is thoroughly humiliated.

 

Tyrion VI

  Tyrion goes to visit Cersei in her chambers.  Lancel is there and he seems to be all pissy about Tyrion’s arrival.  Tyrion wants to speak with his sister privately.  She sends Lancel away.  Lancel gives Tyrion a dirty look.

  Tyrion tells Cersei that he has received news about Stannis sailing from Dragonstone.  Cersei immediately starts panicking.  Tyrion laughs at her.  Because the news is good.  Stannis is riding out to lay siege to Storm’s End.  He’s fighting Renly, not the Lannisters.  Thus Cersei’s mood changes to elation.  She thinks they might be even stupider than Robert.  The mirth is so great that they’re even buddy buddy for a minute.  Tyrion is confident that they will not reach any sort of peace agreement.  They decided to toast ironically to Stannis.  Tyrion pours the wine and slips her a powdered drug.  Remember his visit to Pycelle?

  It turns out the drug was a laxative.  Cersei is too busy having dia to come to court the next day.  Best poisoning ever!  The first person Tyrion call on at court is Ser Cleo Frey, the guy Robb sent with peace terms earlier.  He tells Cleos that he will not accept the term and that the only term Joffrey will accept is Robb’s complete surrender and the release of Jaime.  Cleos has to leave again with nothing but Ned’s bones and threats of Tywin’s imminent asskicking of Robb.  Tyrion sends Cleos away with all the Lannister guard.  This shocks much of the court, particularly Pycelle.

  The next man to speak is Alliser Thorne of the NW.  Tyrion is shocked to see him.  Alliser tells the story of the wights, but he is met only with skepticism.  Unfortunately, the dead black hand had rotted while Alliser was rotting in the cells and he has no proof.  He is sent back almost empty handed.  Tyrion’s snarky ass gives him spades to bury the dead with so they don’t come back.  He does offer up the city’s criminals for service on the wall.  Alliser takes no guff from imps so he calls Tyrion a fool.  It does no good.  Alliser is sent off humiliated.

  After court, Littlefinger expresses his ire at Tyrion for having been lied to about the Myrcella’s marriage prospects.  Bad enemy to make Ty Ty!  After that talk he tells Varys that sending away Cersei’s guards was a ruse to infiltrate Riverrun and save Jaime.

   Later that night, Tyrion and Shagga bust down Pycelle’s door.  He was in there with a whore.  Maesters are supposed to be celibate.  Oops!  I guess we should be grateful it was a consenting adult?  You see, Pycelle is in trouble for spilling the beans to Cersei.  Tyrion has Shagga cut off Pycelle’s super dignified Nostradamus beard and throw him in the cells.  But not before Pycelle reveals that it was he, out of Lannister loyalty that talked Aerys into opening the gates of King’s Landing during Robert’s rebellion.  This was supposed to be a comfort to Tyrion but it just makes him think Pycelle is super shady.  Tyrion accuses Pycelle of poisoning Jon Arryn.  Pycelle, of course denies it.  The chapter ends with poor shifty Pycelle getting dragged away to the black cells.

Deaths in this recap:  0.  That’s 6 chapters in a row with no deaths! George, I am disappoint.

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 20.  This one really upped the incest ante!  There’s Theon hitting on Asha.  Then there’s Craster’s 19 sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Yikes! 

Cumulative incests: 26

Pie Romancer

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion V, Bran III, Catelyn II

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Tyrion V

  Tyrion goes to visit Hallyne the Pyromancer at the Guildhall of the Alchemists.  The alchemists used to be the go to guys for medicine and advice, but the maesters were the Cady Herron to the alchemists Regina George and replaced them.  However, there are still alchemists left and they know the spells it takes to make a weapon called wildfire.  It’s a highly flammable substance that produces green flames that can’t be put out with water or stop, drop and rolling.  You just have to wait for it to burn itself out.  It’s a deadly weapon, but obviously hard to control.

  Tyrion orders 10,000 pots of wildfire and 3,000 empty pots for the soldiers to use for practice.  Then he leaves with his escort of Timett and a bunch of Burned Men.  There’s been lots of unrest in King’s Landing.  A hungry mob recently descended upon the Red Keep.  Bronn is also there and he has summons from Jacelyn Bywater of the Gold Cloaks and Cersei,

  Tyrion goes to Jacelyn first because he prefers to meet with Cersei when she’s pissed off as it makes her kind of stupid and impulsive.  Jacelyn has Cleos Frey with the peace terms from Robb.  He tells Tyrion that the Riverlands are a hellish wartorn shithole and that Catelyn was the one interested in peace, not Robb.  He tells him to wait until he consult with Cersei to draw up their own peace terms.

  When Tyrion gets back to the Tower of the Hand, Cersei is waiting for him predictably pissed off.  She’s mostly upset about the deal to send Myrcella to Dorne.  That means Pycelle has been tattling.  She gets worked up enough to smack him upside the head.  When Tyrion tries to convince her that Myrcella would be safer there, Cersei starts crying.  This is a confusing turn of events because until now she seemed to lack feelings.  Still, she won’t let Tyrion comfort her.  It’s not a hug and cry and learn and grow moment (I stole that phrase from Faith).

He manages to calm her down with the letter from Robb and knows he’ll get his way concerning Myrcella.

 

Bran III

  Bran is starting to enjoy playing lord of Winterfell.  He likes getting cheered by the smallfolk and holding feasts.  Two new guests arrive.  Meera and Jojen Reed from Greywater Watch.  The children of Ned’s good friend Howland.  Meera is the elder.  She is dressed like a boy.  Jojen is younger and very frail.  They reswear the oath their house made to the Starks thousands of years ago.

  Bran has a wolf dream later that night.  In this dream Jojen and Meera are there.  Jojen knows it isn’t the day he will die and is not afraid of a direwolf attack.  Clearly Jojen has a creepy horror movie kid thing going on.

 

Catelyn II

  Cat is angsting about wanting to reunite with her children. She and her escort are on the way to treat with Renly.  That afternoon the party is met by Renly’s outriders and they are taken to his camp.  His camp is huge and so is his army.  As they approach Renly’s tent they see that a melee is in progress.  Cat thinks it unseemly that a for fun party fight is going on when there is a real war to fight.

  Renly is watching the fight.  He looks really fabulous and not at all gay.  We now get our first introduction to his new wife Margaery of house Tyrell.  She is pretty, but since she has brown hair and eyes she obviously isn’t too pretty.  Loras is fighting really well and almost wins, but he ends up getting beaten by a mysterious blue clad knight.

  Surprise!  The blue knight is not a man.  It is Brienne of house Tarth.  She’s super big and tall and regarding as kind of a manbeast.  She has a plain face and is socially awkward, so of course nobody really likes her.  All Brienne wants as her prize is to be a member of Renly’s Rainbow Guard (really George?) which is his version of the Kingsguard.

  After Renly agrees to that, he is introduced to Catelyn.  Renly declares that he will avenge Ned’s death by presenting her Cersei’s head.  Cat tells him the news that Jaime is a prisoner at Riverrun.  He tells Cat he will speak to her later when she rests and refreshes herself.  She is assigned a fancy schmancy tent.

  Later, she goes to his pavilion for dinner.  Renly keeps things classy, but she thinks his bannermen are fools who aren’t taking this war business seriously enough.  She has to be a buzzkill and note that they are the knights of summer and winter is coming, and they won’t be so carefree for long.  It’s kind of annoying, but she has a point.

  Renly invites Cat for a walk after dinner.  He boasts about the strength of his army.  Catelyn points out that Stannis technically has the better claim but Renly doesn’t have any fucks to spare about that.  Renly points out that Robert had no right to take the throne either.  The right of conquest is what matters.  Fair enough?

  He tells Cat that he will only form an alliance with Robb if he drops the bid for northern independence.  Then they are interrupted by a messager  Stannis has besieged Storm’s End.

 

Deaths in this recap:  0.  An uneventful triad!

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Pycelles rats out Tyrion

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6