Tag Archive | sansa

Teeth!!!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon V, Sansa V, Davos IV, Tyrion XIII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Theon V

  Theon is having a wolf dream.  More like a wolf nightmare.  Direwolves are chasing his ass and I’d say he deserves some nightmares wouldn’t you?  This dream is interrupted by Reek creeping up on Theon’s bed with a candle.  It’s OK, it’s consensual.  Asha has arrived and Theon had previously requested he be alerted when that happens.

  As Theon gets ready to receive Asha he reflects on the fact that he’s been having a lot of nightmares lately.  Either he has a guilty conscience about what he’s done to the boys or there is some sort of supernatural meaning.  In ASOIAF it really could be either.  He even dreams about vagina dentata.  Holy shit!  How is that I’ve read this book three times previous to this recap adventure and I forgot about that?  Is there so much what the fuckery in this series that I could forget something so important as a vagina piranha dream?  Apparently so!

Anyway, after preening for what seems like forever, Theon has some guards take him downstairs.  This is necessary because a lot of Theon’s men have been turning up dead.  Gelmarr the Grim, Aggar, and Gynir Rednose are the names of the victims.  It looks like the smallfolk of Winterfell are not taking so kindly to Theon charging in and killing Stark children.  Who would’ve thunk it!?

  Theon decided to judge Farlen the kennelmaster guilty of the deaths.  Because why not?  Theon sentenced him to death and executed him himself.  Of course, Theon being Theon, the execution got bungled.  It took three whole cuts to sever the head.  Oops.

  In typical Theon fashion, he doesn’t take any responsibility for this turn of events.  He just blames Asha for it.  Because she had the temerity to be Balon’s favorite.  Misandry!  He is even more outraged to find that Asha only brought 10 men to help him hold Winterfell.

  Of course Asha is not too impressed by Theon’s “accomplishments”  she calls him “Prince of Winterfell” in a mocking fashion and asks whether it was harder to kill the cripple or the babe.  Tee-hee!  I’m enjoying this chapter way too much aren’t I?

  Asha and Theon break away from the great hall to speak in private and we learn that Roderick Cassel has at last beaten Dagmer Cleftjaw at Torrhen’s square.  It looks like ol’ Rod is coming back to Winterfell and Dagmer is retreating with the surviving IB.

  Theon is mad because Asha isn’t giving him enough aid.  She rightfully points out that the IB are only good on the sea and Winterfell is too far inland.  She knows that Theon will never hold it.  She knows it was stupid as hell to commit the terrible PR move of killing Bran and Rickon.

  After Asha leaves, Reek approaches Theon to offer his assistance.  He asks leave to go get more men.  A couple hundred of them.  He lets him go.  That night Theon has more nightmares.  He wakes up and goes to survey Bran and Rickon’s dismembered heads.  It is here in Theon’s thoughts we learn that those boys weren’t Bran and Rickon.  They were the Miller’s boys.  Theon only disguised them as the Stark boys.  Oh snap!

 

Sansa V

  After a morning of singing and praying with the other ladies in the sept, it is time to watch the guys ride out to battle.  After a brief chat with Tyrion, Joffrey calls for her.  Joffrey has a new sword of douchiness that he has named Hearteater.  He plans to kill his uncle Stannis with it.

  Because Joffrey is a stupid fucking creep he makes Sansa kiss his sword.  I find the blowjob metaphor between adolescents a bit squicky but, whatever.

  Sansa, who is as I always maintain, smarter than she seems tells Joffrey that her brother Robb always goes where the fighting is thickest because he’s all brave and shit.  See, she’s manipulating Joffrey into going into the thick of battle and endangering himself by challenging his manliness.  Good job S!

  After some Sept going Sansa finally retreats to the safety of Maegor’s Holdfast.  There she finds Falyse Stokeworth trying to coax poor Lollys inside.  Shae is there too!  I think this is the first time we learn that Lollys is pregnant from the gang rape she suffered at the riots.  Horrible, sad stuff.  But I’m glad it’s in here because in real life the disabled are frequently sexual abuse targets and people do forget that.

  Inside the holdfast Sansa finds all the highborn ladies of King’s Landing.  Ilyn Payne is there too.  And he has Ned’s sword Ice.  Then drunk Cersei comes in.  Yes!  I love drunk Cersei!  Sansa asks what Payne is doing there and Cersei points out that he’s probably better than rapey conquerors.  Truth?  I guess?

 

Davos IV

  This chapter is going to be hard to recap.  I’ll admit that upfront.

  Davos is on his ship the Black Betha.  He is commanding with his son Matthos.  There’s a lot of descriptions of the various ships in Stannis’ fleet and I’m sorry but I can’t and won’t go through it all.  The only thing you need to know is that Stannis is on the land front across the Blackwater river from KL.  He isn’t on the fleet.  Also, Davos is feeling insecure because he’s masquerading as a lord but still feels like a smuggler from Flea Bottom deep down.

  Davos is starting to get a little suspicious because he had heard that Tyrion was planning something to keep the Blackwater closed but instead the river is wide open.  It’s almost like a trap :/  Eventually all of Stannis’ fleet gets all bunched up in a small space in the river with only a small number of ships from Joff’s fleet and Davos is getting even more suspicious.  I feel much forboding right now.

  Archers from Joffrey’s army are firing from the city walls onto the Stannis fleet.  Davos sees the signs of a chain but it hasn’t been raised yet.  Still, for some reason he takes time to remember that he talked Stannis into leaving Melisandre behind on Dragonstone because she’s just the worst PR.  And Davos hates her obviously.

  Finally it becomes clear what is going to happen.  Wildfire is being flung at Stannis’ fleet.  Remember that water does not extinguish it.  Stop, drop and roll doesn’t do shit.  Wildfire keeps going until it burns off.  If it gets you, you’re fucked.  Plain and simple.  Suddenly people are burning to death in terrible pain all around Davos.

  Seriously, of all the horrible things that happen in the series, this is one of the worst for me.  People burning alive is a nope.  Do.  Not.  Want.  Now the chain is raised.  Davos’ sons have exploded and death awaits as the whole of Stannis’ fleet (except Sallador’s ship) are trapped in the river.  Fuck.

 

Tyrion XIII

  Tyrion is atop the city walls watching the death and destruction wildfire is bringing Stannis’ fleet.  I’m still shuddering.  He thinks of it as a jade holocaust.  I guess that lightens the mood a little bit.  Only because Jade Holocaust sounds like a good band name.

  Tyrion is still afraid that the chain/wildfire trick isn’t enough.  Stannis’ ground army still outnumbers Joffrey’s army because so many of the Lannister soldiers are off fighting Robb.

  Tyrion also acknowledges at this point that Joffrey’s small fleet and its men were sent out as a doomed decoy.  They’re all burning to death just like Stannis’ men.  Is that a war crime?  I guess I see why it’s necessary but it’s really terrible and makes me uncomfortable.

  Stannis’ men have brought a ram up to one of the city gates.  He goes off to investigate and finds Sandor Clegane.  The Hound is all freaked out by the fire, his one fear.  He takes this inconvenient moment to rebel and also says this awesome thing that I feel every day

 I hear you Sandor.  I hear you.  Who’s better?  Drunk Cersei or drunk Hound?  I just don’t know.  We’ll see drunk Cersei in the next installment and can properly compare and contrast then.

  With no Hound to lead the sortie, Tyrion has to step up and take charge.  He gives a misanthropic yet inspiring speech as only Tyrion can do.  It’s about how there will be no glory in this battle but winning is better because Stannis’ army will probably rape and pillage and that’s no good.  Yay!?

 

Deaths in this recap: 7 Gelmarr, Aggar and Gynir.  Dale, Matthos, Maric and Allard Seaworth.  But then you have to subtract 2 because Bran and Rickon weren’t killed after all and the poor Miller’s boys have no name so they can’t technically be in the tally.  They’re in my heart though.  The real total is 5.

Cumulative deaths: 68

Maybe deaths in this recap:  1.  Davos.  What the hell happened to him?  Poor Davos.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  3

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 16

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

Creepers Abound

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon IV, Jon VI, Sansa IV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio because when it’s 82 degrees and humid at 10:30 PM and you don’t have an air conditioner; red wine is not the way to go.

 

Theon IV

  Some noise or instinct has awaken Douchelord Prince Theon in the night.   Kyra, one of the barmaids in Winter’s Town is asleep beside him because they totally did it earlier.  Of course, Theon seems more turned on by the fact that he had sex with a commoner in Ned’s bed than he is by Kyra.  Because he’s the worst.

  Slowly it dawns on Theon that it’s the quite that has woken him up.  The direwolves had been constantly howling since he took Winterfell.  Now that noise is gone.  He has someone named Urzen go check on the wolves and his main servant Wex check on Bran and Rickon.

  Of course the wolves and boys have escaped.  Good for them!   Theon is pissed.  Not just because his hostages are missing.  He’s upset because he thinks he’s treated the people of Winterfell so well and it’s just so unfair of them to be upset about the takeover.  Jesus H Christ Theon.  I know you come from a long line of assholes and don’t know how to think like a normal person, but still, shut up!

  It is discovered that the escape happened out of the hunter’s gate.  The two guards, Squint and Drennan have been brutally slain.  Drennan is a rapist so, I’ve got to admit I’m glad to see that.  Clearly, the boys didn’t get out of Winterfell alone.  They were killed before they even had time to alert the other guards.  Later it is revealed that the Reeds, Osha and Hodor are missing too.  No horses are missing so Theon is confident that Bran and co. will soon be found.

  Theon takes his butthurt out on the Winterfell smallfolk.  He whines some more about how good he had been to them.  What is wrong with this moron?  Reek, Ramsay Snow’s captured servant wants Theon to retaliate for this grave injustice by flaying everyone.  I guess he was influenced by his servitude to House Bolton.  They used to flay their enemies until the Starks put an end to it about a thousand years ago.  Luckily Theon is able to find some shred of decency and vetoes the plan.

  Dawn approaches so Theon forms a hunting party and makes Maester Luwin and Farlen the kennelmaster join it.  One of the mini Walder Freys wants to go too.  They follow the trail through the forest for a long time.  Maester Luwin takes the opportunity to try and convince Theon to show mercy when they are inevitably captured.  Theon starts thinking about how much easier it would be to hold Winterfell if he could’ve married one of the Stark girls, particularly Sansa because she is pretty.  Ew.  Poor Sansa attracts every creeper in Westeros.

  Finally, the party comes upon a river.  In the muddy banks are paw prints from Summer and Shaggy.  But there are no human footprints.  They’ve only been following the wolves for who knows how long.  Haha!  Still, Theon thinks the humans must be somewhat near.  The party splits up.  No luck.  Neither wolves or Stark boys are found.

  When dusk falls it is time to give up.  But, wait no, Reek wants to save the day.  He has a feeling the boys are at a nearby mill.  Theon thinks that Reek’s lips look like two worms fucking which is just hilarious.  Reek has a wolf’s head pin in a sack and in my semi drunk state I’m not sure why that means that Bran and Rickon are hiding at the mill.  But Theon is certain of it and he goes to get them.  Uh oh.

 

Jon VI

  Qhorin, Jon and the rest of their party are in the frostfangs.  They can see up in the Skirling pass that some wildings are there because they have lit a fire.  Qhorin decides two men must climb the mountain in the dark to sneak up on the wildlings and kill them before they can sound a horn to warn any other wildling parties.  An excellent climber named Stonesnake and Jon both volunteer.

  The climb is cold and scary.  It doesn’t translate well in recap form but trust me, it was very tense!  Finally, they get just above where the wildlings are camped.  There are three of them.  One of the wildlings is sleeping so Stonesnake and Jon divide the two remaining ones between them.  They each kill their wildling.  Aww, Jon has his first kill.  He’s a real man now!

  Then, the sleeping wildling starts fighting Jon.  Jon gets the better of the wildling and is about to slice his throat when he realizes that he is … wait for it… a she!  Stonesnake wants Jon to kill her but he can’t do it. 

  He decides to take this wildling, her name is Ygritte, captive.  She repays his mercy by telling him that Snow is an evil name.  She wants them to burn the wildling corpses.  Stonesnake won’t do it though.  He throws their bodies off the cliff instead.  Soon they hear shadowcats devouring the bodies.  Jon tries to interrogate Ygritte but she won’t tell him anything except a legend about a wildling named Bael the Bard kidnapping the daughter and only child of a Stark and making a baby with her so that all Starks, according to wildling legend are part wildling. 

  In the morning, Qhorin finds them.  He’s pissed off that Jon took a hostage instead of killing all the wildlings as planned.  He tells Jon to do what needs to be done with her and leaves them alone.  He still can’t kill her and lets her escape. I’m sure that won’t have any consequences whatsoever.

Sansa IV

  Dontos and Sansa are meeting in the godswood.  The air is thick with smoke because Stannis’ men have been burning the kingswood and Tyrion is burning everything outside of the city walls so that things will be too inhospitable for a siege.

  Sansa is getting a bit cranky because Dontos is not making good on his promise to help her escape.  He tells her that the time still isn’t right.  The city is too heavily guarded.   Neither Stannis himself or his naval forces have arrived yet.  So everyone is waiting and afraid.  Before Sansa and Dontos part, he wants a kiss from her.  She kisses him but luckily only on the cheek.  Ew.  Just, ew.  Does no one but me get intensely creeped out reading Sansa chapters?  An adult man acts inappropriately towards her in pretty much every one.  I’m glad I don’t have a teenage daughter.  I don’t think I can handle it considering how overprotective and anxious I am of a fictional teenaged girl.

  When Sansa is crossing the bridge across the moat to get back to Maegor’s Holdfast she is accosted by the Hound.  Oh great, more creepers.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME GRRM!?  Seriously.  Why all the molesters?  Things like this must be in her mind at all times

 

  Anyways, Sansa is too nice and tries to convince the Hound that she doesn’t find him scary, but he sees through it and feels the tell her so while gripping onto her.  Sigh.  She still tries to thank him for being brave and saving her during the riot.  He just scoffs and tells her that it’s no big deal because he likes to kill people and her father probably did too.  Oh, Sandor.   He tells her that knights are only there to kill and that she should go away because he’s sick of looking at her. 

  Sansa flees and goes to bed.  She has a PTSD dream about the riot.  In the dream she’s being beaten bloody by a bunch of people and then stabbed in the belly.  When she wakes up, she finds she’s gotten her first period.  Are you there God?  It’s me, Sansa.

  This part is just ridiculous to me.  In the span of a few hours she bleeds so much that her nightgown, bedclothes and mattress are all completely soiled.  Are you kidding me GRRM?  I’m here to tell all you male readers, we don’t actually bleed that much.  The average amount of blood lost during menstruation is 1/8th of a cup (IIRC).  That’s during the entire period.  Not per hour or anything.

  Anyway, Sansa freaks out.  That is understandable because now she is eligible to marry Joffrey and nobody wants that.  She tries to burn all the evidence.  Not a great idea.  The fire draws a maid who summons others to stop her from burning everything.  Of course, she’s all blood covered as they pull her away from the fire.  Geez!  How much do men think we bleed?  A period would send us to the hospital for blood transfusions if it was as bad as men think it is.

  Of course, this means that Cersei finds out about the flowering.  Sansa is forced to go eat breakfast with her.  Cersei, ever kind and gentle just can’t wait to tell her that giving birth is even worse.  She also informs her that although she will likely love Joffrey’s brat kids, love is a poison that will kill you.

  As Tobias Funke says, now that’s an act break!

Deaths in this recap:  2. Squint and Drennan.  Didn’t know you, don’t care.

Cumulative deaths: 61

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 15

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

 

The first (men) fisting

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Sansa III, Catelyn IV, Jon IV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Noir

 

Sansa III

  The Hound has come to fetch Sansa and bring her to a meeting with Joffrey.  That always goes well.  Sansa’s dress is getting tight across her chest because she’s getting boobies.  The Hound tells her Robb has done something to piss Joffrey off.  When they get to Joffrey he has a crossbow and there’s a dying cat with a crossbow in it lying on the ground.  Somehow I managed to block that part out the first three times I read it.  Now it’s burned in my brain and I am not at all pleased.

  Robb’s treason was staging a sneak attack on Ser Stafford Lannister, Tywin’s brother and killing him along with thousands of Lannister men.  Joffrey via that lickspittle Lancel claimed that Robb attacked with an army of wargs and they all feasted on the flesh of the Lannister soldiers.  I’m pretty sure that’s bullshit though.  Joffrey says he wants to kill Sansa but his mommy won’t let him so he’ll only punish her.

  He has Ser Boros Blount beat her.  But not in the face because Joffrey likes her pretty.  Ugh.  Not enough nopes in the realm for this.  The Hound implores Joffrey to put a stop to it but obviously that doesn’t work.  Of course, it gets even worse as Boros rips her damn dress off.

  Luckily the proceedings are interrupted by Tyrion.  He tells Joffrey off, threatens to have Boros killed if he won’t shut his stupid mouth, and most humiliating of all, he threatens to send for Joffrey’s mommy.

  Tyrion has Sansa escorted back to the tower of the hand with him so she can be a little safer.  She realizes she’s been placed in Arya’s old bedchamber.  He informs her that not only Stafford Lannister, but several Westerland lords have been killed or captured.  That’s why Joffrey was throwing his Beiberesque tantrum.  He promises to put an end to the betrothal between she and Joffrey.

  Sansa wants to get back to her old bedchamber so she can get out and find Dontos in the godswood.  She lies and tell Tyrion that being in the tower of the hand would give her nightmares.  This works.  Suck it Sansa haters.  She isn’t stupid at all!

 

Catelyn IV

   Catelyn goes to a sept in a little village to pray and angst and guilt.  While praying to the Mother she feels a bit of empathy with Cersei of all people.  She realizes that she might kill to protect her own children.  Hmm.  Foreshadowing?

  She heads back to Renly’s camp and enters his tent.  Brienne is helping to prepare him for battle and Lords Rowan and Tarly are there to talk strategy.  They are confident Renly will win because he outnumbers Stannis’ men but they also know he will never yield.  Catelyn wants a word with Renly so he sends the lords away.

  She tells Renly she suspects the incest story is true and Bran caught them in flagrante delicto and that’s why he was defenestrated.  She wants Renly to join with Stannis and Robb and set aside their crowns to convene a great council and expose the incest to the realm.  This is actually a great idea, but we all this is going to get shot down because it would interfere with the Baratheon egos.  Nice try Cat.

  Catelyn is starting to beg when some spooky breezes and shadows enter the tent.  She notices that the shadow is moving independently of Renly and doesn’t belong to him.  It also gets cold in the tent.  There’s a very Ghost Adventures vibe.

Of course, Zak and the others shit their pants every time a draft goes through the creaky old buildings they “investigate” so I don’t think they could deal with what’s coming.

  The shadow takes its shadow sword and straight up slits Renly in the throat.  Brienne goes to catch him and he dies in her arms.  Brienne screamed which attracted the attention of his guards Robar Royce and Emmon Cuy who come rushing in.  They accuse Brienne of murdering Renly.  Cat tries to stop them and explain but they don’t listen and rush Brienne.  Luckily, Brienne is a BAMF and she manages to fight off and kill an unnamed guardsmen and knock over Cuy.  Cat finally convinces Robar that Brienne is innocent and he lets them escape.

  Catelyn believes the shadow was Stannis.  Brienne is on board with theory and vows to kill him.  They sneak out in the chaos with the rest of the northerners.  She realizes that all or most of Renly’s men belong to Stannis now and she remembers Stannis’ threat that Robb’s day will come as well.

 

Jon IV

  The Night’s Watch arrives at the Fist of the First Men.  It’s a big hill in the middle of the forest.  I always picture something similar to the Devil’s Tower in Wyoming.  Ghost refuses to climb to the top of the fist.  Apparently, Jon has not watched many horror movies or he would know you should always trust canine instincts.  They make camp and plan to wait there for Qhorin Halfhand, a really good fighter/ranger from the Shadow Tower to the west of Castle Black.

  The Fist was a fort of the First Men during the Dawn Age thousands of years ago and their are henges or cairns or something placed all around.  Thoren Smallwood notes that it is an old place and Mormont’s raven agrees and echoes the word old which is always kind of ominous.

  Jon goes back down the hill to fid Ghost and he appears right away.  He still won’t let Jon take him back up.  Hint, hint Jon!  Could it be any clearer?  He does get creeped out but tells himself to put on his big boy panties and ignore those instincts in favor of manly stoicism.

  Later Jon prepares spiced wine for Mormont and his advisors and listens to their strategies.  They do not want to go in the freezing cold Frostfang mountains and figure that Mance and the wildlings will be driven down by the inhospitable weather and will thus be seen by the NW.  The NW are going to be in a holding pattern for a while.

  After Mormont goes to bed, Jon goes out to the cookfire to get supper.  Dywen who is the cook is uneasy too.  He smells a cold smell and doesn’t like it.  The others are laughing Dywen off, but Jon smells it too and it reminds him of the smell the night the wights attacked at Castle Black.

  Later that night, Ghost finally goes up to the camp, but only to get Jon to follow him elsewhere.  Ghost leads him down the hill and partially around the base of the fist.  Ghost finds a mound and starts digging.  He has dug up a cache of weapons, knives, arrowheads and spearheads wrapped in an old NW cloak.  The weapons are made of obsidian AKA dragonglass.  There is also an ancient and janky warhorn made of auroch horn and bronze.  Very spooky and mysterious.  See Jon, trust the canine instincts.  Always.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor dumb Renly.  He never knew what hit him.

Cumulative deaths: 46

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

Gossip Girl

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion IV, Sansa II, Arya V

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Tyrion IV

  Tyrion is meeting with Pycelle.  He has Pycelle send a letter to the prince of Dorne, Doran Martell.  Dorne is the southernmost part of Westeros.  There is a lot of dessert and mountains making them difficult to control by force.  It’s too hard for armies to invade.  They remained an independent kingdom for a long time after Aegon’s conquest.  They at last came into the realm via a marriage alliance with the Targaryens.  They have yet to take a side in the current secession dispute.

  While Pycelle is off sending the raven, Tyrion snoops in Pycelle’s bottles of poison and steals one.  Which one we are not told.  After the meeting Tyrion rejoins Bronn.  Bronn tells him that a moneylender from the Iron Bank of Braavos has asked after Tyrion.  The crown owes the Iron Bank a buttload of money.  Tyrion brushes it off.  That can’t possibly be a bad idea that will come back to bite the Lannisters later.

  Bronn also informs Tyrion that the peasants are getting restless.  The Tyrells and Renly have cut off food supplies from the reach and food is getting hard to come by.  He also mentions that Alliser Thorne has arrived.  He decides to let him sweat it out for awhile because he doesn’t like Alliser.  It kind of reminds me of the Wizard of Oz.  The book of course.

  On the way back home Tyrion runs into Cersei and her assorted minions.  She gets all up on his jock about what she perceives as his lack of concern for security of the city.  She’s also peeved that he hasn’t figured out to get Jaime back.  She calls him useless and storms off.  Tyrion is more worried out about Stannis than Renly.  Varys has been getting no intelligence from Dragonstone.

  He arrives home to find Littlefinger lounging villainously in his solar.  He’s watching Joffrey try to shoot rabbits with his crossbow and failing miserably.  Because Joffrey is bad at everything and sucks forever.  LF is flaunting the dagger used in Bran’s murder attempt.  Tyrion can’t do anything to LF at the moment because they need his money making prowess.  LF knows it so he’s acting like a shit about it.  Tyrion tells LF he wants him to persuade Lysa Arryn to swear fealty to Joffrey and pledge her swords in exchange for a marriage pact between Robert Arryn and Myrcella.  Poor Myrcella!  For this service, LF will get Harrenhal.  Littlefinger agrees to the plan.

  The next visitor a few hours later is Varys.  Varys knows about the raven to Dorne and the plan to wed Myrcella to Robert Arryn already.  So creepy.  He’s pretty much the gossip girl of Westeros. He tells Varys he plans to send Tommen away to Dorne.  He asks him not to tell Cersei about of this stuff.

 

Sansa II

 Sansa finds a mysterious note under her pillow.  It says Come to the godswood tonight, if you want to go home.  She is hopeful that it is someone who really wants to help her.  She is however afraid that it’s a set up by Joffrey.  She angered him by saying that she hopes the Others take Janos Slynt.  He had Meryn Trant punch her a mailed fist.  A mailed fist!  I don’t even know what to say about that.  Rage stroke!  That’s about all I can muster.

  She is scared, but sneaks out anyway.  Before reaching the godswood she runs into the same black cat Arya was chasing before.  File that away under possibly important.  In the wood she discovers that the note sender is Ser Dontos.  The drunk guy she saved at the tourney.  He’s drunk yet again.  Sansa is understandably creeped out.  No adolescent girl wants to be alone in the woods with a drunk adult man.  At least I hope not.

  He does manage to convince her that he wasn’t sent by anyone and truly means to help her.  He claims he can sneak her out and get her on a ship.  But not now.  When the time is right.  They agree to meet at the same place often.

  Speaking of creepy dudes, when Sansa is on her back to her chambers she runs into the Hound.  He’s drunk too.  She tells him she was praying in the godswood.  He has his suspicions that she is lying and calls her a stupid little bird.  Why SanSan is such a popular fan ship is beyond me.  He escorts her home and informs her that he will have a song from her whether she likes it or not.  I swear.  Every Sansa chapter reminds me of when I was her age and would get catcalls from creepy ass adult men.

 

Arya V

  Arya climbs up a tree to recon a nearby village.  She sees smoke coming from a chimney.  All the other villages they have come across lately have been abandoned.  We flash back to the morning after Lorch’s attack.  Apparently Kurz was one of the survivors and I falsely called him dead last time.  He does die from an infected wound a couple of days later so I won’t bother to edit the previous post.

  Anyways, the remaining survivors are starting to get hungry.  They are living off of berries and acorn paste.  Arya even eats bugs.  The other two adult survivors Tarber and Cutjack ditch Arya, Gendry, Hot Pie, Lommy and Weasel.  How nice.  Back in the present they are debating whether or not to go to the village.  Arya and Gendy are suspicious.  Hot Pie wants to go in hopes of getting fed.  Lommy wants to yield because he thinks that’s the key to not getting killed.  Oh Lommy.  Lommy has a hurt leg from the battle.  Gendry and Arya decide they will sneak into the village when it gets dark.

  When they are walking through the woods Gendry says he thinks Lommy will die.  His wound stinks.  Presumably of gangrene.  This shouldn’t be funny but it makes me think Lommy Gangrene Hands since Lommy is called Lommy Greenhands.  Gendry also reveals that he has figured out that Arya is a girl.  She decides to trust him and admit that she is Arya Stark.  Gendry is all cutely embarrassed that he was rude and crude with a lady to be.

  When they get near the village that ever present rotting corpse scent whaffs into their nostrils.

Gag Me

  Corpse stank can’t be a great sign.  They split up to approach the village from different angles.  When Arya gets closer, they see that there is a bunch of corpses hanging by the lake.  They are in various stages of eaten by crows.  People shouldn’t read these books while eating should they?  The flag hanging up in the village looks like the Lannister crimson.

  Arya sees a captive being dragged into the village by Lannister men.  It’s Gendry.  Of course it is.  After observing for hours she doesn’t see a good rescue opportunity so she goes to fetch Hot Pie and Lommy.  Lommy is still useless and only wants to yield so she takes Hot Pie back to the village.

  They get caught of course.  HP shouts “I yield!”  Of course.  They get captured and the men take Needle.  Those bastards.  Arya recognizes Gregor Clegane and know for sure they are in some deep shit.  They go back to Lommy.  Weasel has run away.  One of the Mountain’s men asks them where Dondarrion is.  They have no clue what he is talking about.  They inquire about Lommy’s leg.  He says that it is hurt and he will need to be carried to the village.  Oh Lommy!  The man unceremoniously stabs him in the throat.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor dumb Lommy

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Tobbar and Cutjack abandoned the kids count in my opinion.

Cumulative betrayals: 11

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

Always wear pants to the tourney

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Prologue, Arya I, Sansa I, Tyrion I, Bran I

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Prologue

  The comet that Daenerys saw at the end of AGOT can also be seen in Westeros.  Maester Cressen is watching it from a balcony at Dragonstone.  The bright red and intense look of the comet is making him feel superstitious.  He hates that because maesters are trained to be rational and (relative to the time and place) scientific.  I hear ya, Cressen.  I’m an atheist and skeptic.  Yet, a dark bathroom scares the crap out of me.  What if I look at the mirror and there is a ghost right behind me?  Gaah!

  In addition to the comet, steam is coming out of the presumed volcano Dragonmont and a white raven arrived from the citadel where the maester headquarters is.  Albino ravens herald the change in seasons.  It is no longer summer.  Fall is here.  That means what?  You know what!  Winter is coming.

  Pylos, a younger maester who is fairly new to Dragonstone interrupts Cressen’s musings.  He tells him that Princess Shireen wants to see the white raven and she brought Patchface, Dragonstone’s fool with her.  Shireen is Stannis Baratheon’s only child with his wife Selyse nee Florent.  She is 10 years old, shy and awkward with her father’s jutting jaw and her mother’s Obama ears.  Half of her face is covered with greyscale.  Greyscale is a disease that is deadly to adults but survivable among children.  She got the disease as a baby and her face is still grey, scaly and hard.  I think it’s a combination of Leprosy and Scleroderma.

  Apparently, Shireen is awake at this time because she had her recurring nightmare about dragon eating her.  Uh, oh.  Cressen tries to comfort her by saying that the stone dragons at the castle just look realistic because the Valyrians had magical techniques to shape stone.  However, Shireen has heard from the red woman (more on her in a minute) said that the comet portended dragons coming back to life.  of course, Cressen doesn’t know any better and tells her that this just can’t be true.  These maesters just can’t seem to grasp that they are in a fantasy tale can they?

  Then they start talking about the changing seasons and Patchface interrupts with some creepy nonsense jingles.  He wears a bucket with antlers and bells.  Stannis’ parents had found Patchy in Essos.  He was a very talented entertainer.  When they were near Dragonstone they got shipwrecked.  Steffon Baratheon and his wife drowned.  Three days later, Patchy washed up somehow he was still alive.  Except he had some sort of brain damage that makes him all extra creepity.

  Pylos returns to tell Cressen that Davos Seaworth has returned.  Davos is a former smuggler who was raised to knighthood because he smuggled food onto Dragonstone during Robert’s rebellion when Stannis was holding it and it was besieged by Lord Mace Tyrell.  The island was starving.  Davos’ nickname is the Onion Knight because that was what he smuggled in.  However, smuggling is a crime and Stannis is really into upholding the letter of the law at all times so he also hacked off some of his fingers.  Davos wears those bones in a pouch around his neck.  Davos is now a trusted friend and ally to Stannis.  He just returned from canvassing various other lords for support.  He had no luck.  Davos tells Cressen that he advised against going to war with Joffrey, but Stannis will not heed that advice.  He believes his claim to be true and that’s that.

  Cressen goes to see Stannis.  Stannis is skinny and he has a permaclenched jaw.  He grinds his teeth all the time and doesn’t smile much.  Usually only women are called out for having bitchy resting face, but it definitely applies to Stannis.  He is pissed right off that the Storm Lords have declared for Renly.  The seat of the Storm Lands is the Baratheon’s ancestoral home Storm’s End.  Robert gave SE to Renly after he won the crown, an action that Stannis is still not over because Renly is younger than Stannis.  Stannis thinks of Renly as a shallow douche undeserving of his good fortune.  Fair point.  He will not compromise with Renly or accept Robb’s new status as King in the North.  Also, he is pretty bitter at Ned because Robert loved him so much more than he loved Stannis.

  Selyse comes in and interrupts them.  She is unattractive and mustached.  You know how it is in fiction ugly woman = THE WORST!!!  Selyse is no exception.  She is even more dour than Stannis is.  She agrees that Stannis is the rightful king and should never compromise.  She believes R’hllor wants him to be king.  R’hllor AKA the Lord of Light is a god imported from the east.  Selyse converted to the worship of LoL when the priestess Melisandre of Asshai (where Mirri Maz Durr studied !) got a vision that Stannis is the king and arrived on Dragonstone.  The mission of the LoL is to fight against the Great Other who is all about darkness.

  Stanis is still skeptical about his wife’s new religion.  I can’t say I blame him.  New converts are annoying whether it’s religion, the paleo diet or crossfit.  Selyse informs Stannis that Melisandre had a vision of Renly dead.  Cressen is appalled at this fratricidal talk and dislikes this religion.  He is a follower of the Seven.  Stannis isn’t trying to hear that and he dismisses Cressen.

  Cressen goes up to his room and decides that Melisandre is a big danger to Stannis.  He must be rid of her.  he decides to poison her with an amethyst colored substance nicknamed the strangler because it makes its victims choke to death and turn purple.  It can be disguised as choking on food.

  Cressen naps and when he wakes up realizes that he’s late to dinner with Stannis, Selyse, Mel and Stannis’ bannermen. We meet Melisandre for the first time.  She is tall, red haired, red eyed and beautiful with an imposing confidant personality. She wears a choker with a ruby on it that sometimes glows.  Confession time, I usually hat religious zealots.  But Mel is a fucking fabulous badass.  I love her!

  Patchy crashes into Cressen and knocks him over.  Mel mocks him for it and makes him wear Patchy’s bucket antler bell thing.  Stannis adds further insult to injury by informing Cressen that he was not invited to dinner because he’s a yammering old man and not needed.  He takes the opportunity to play fake nice with Mel and invite her to share a cup of (poisoned) wine.

  They both drink from the cup.  Cressen is killed.  Mel is unaffected.  She attributes this to R’hllor, bolstering her claim that God wants Stannis to be king.

  Holy shneikes that was a long info dump of a chapter.  I’ll try and make the rest of this post a bit more fun.

 

Arya I

  Arya has been posing as a boy commoner who is being recruited for the Night’s Watch.  Yoren cut her hair off before they left so she would look masculine.  The procession is full of rowdy orphan boys, rapers, thieves, poachers and a cage with three hardened criminals in it.  Their names are Jaquen H’gar, Rorge and Biter.  Rorge has a cut off nose and Biter has teeth that are filed into points.

  Arya, who is going by ‘Arry’ is the smallest and youngest of the lot.  Two of the orphan boys called Hot Pie and Lommy pick on her for this.  They call her lumpy head.  They make fun of Needle and accuse her of stealing it.  This enrages her.  An older boy steps in to defend Arya.  He has a bull helm.  Spoiler alert!  It’s Gendry, Robert’s bastard.

  Hot Pie tries to steal Needle, but Arya kicks his fat ass.  HP is sprawled on the ground crying until Yoren comes along and breaks it up.  After that, the boys are afraid of her.  That night Arya dreams of Winterfell and wishes to reunite with Jon.  Awww.

 

Sansa I

  It’s Joffrey’s name day.  The spin around the court is that the comet is there to portend glory for Joffrey.  Yeah, OK.  Sansa dresses to attend Joff’s birthday tourney.  She wears long sleeves to hide the bruises there from the beating she got when he heard Robb was claiming KitN.  Oh, ish!  That’s some depraved shit.

  This tourney is a piece of crap compared to the tourney from AGOT.  All the best knights are away at war.  Cersei won’t even be there because she will be in council meetings.  Myrcella and Tommen however, are there.  They’re still super cute. 

  When Sansa takes her seat next to Joff, he informs her that Viserys is dead and declares that he will kill Robb too.  Sure you will.  The Hound is guarding because this tourney is beneath him.  After a few jousts it is the turn of Lothar Brune, a servant of Littlefinger and Ser Dontos Hollard.  Dontos is wasted.  Like, he would be on Cops after a bar fight wasted.  He staggers out to the field pantsless with his peen flopping about.

  Joffrey is displeased because isn’t he always?  You’d think he’d enjoy the entertainment that drunken hot messes bring.  But, no.  He’s about to kill Dontos by making him drink himself to death shotgunning a cask of wine.  Sansa protests.  She cleverly makes up some crap about it being bad luck to kill someone on your birthday.  The Hound is nice enough to agree.  Joffrey buys it.  Sansa convinces him to make him a fool instead of killing him the next day.

  Shortly after there is a commotion.  It is Tyrion and his hill folk.  Tommen and Myrcella are delighted to see him.  Joffrey not so much.  He leaves and Sansa has some awkward conversation with Tyrion.  She tries to fake loyalty to the Lannisters, but you know he sees through it.  Even though he’s nice, Sansa has vowed to never trust another Lannister.

 

Tyrion I

  Tyrion decides to crash the small council meeting.  Hee hee.  Cersei is super bitchy.  Not pleased to see him at all.  He presents the letter from Tywin that gives him Hand proxy powers.  Cersei is incensed at losing the power to a sibling that she isn’t fucking.  The other council members Slynt, Pycelle, Varys and Littlefinger are more welcoming although LF makes sure to seem all smarmy about it.

  Tyrion sends everyone away to talk to Cersei privately.  She is really not taking his hand job (tee-hee) well and threatens to send him to the dungeons and declare the letter a forgery.  Tyrion negs her by pointing out her failures and offering to help make it all better.  They come to an uneasy truce.  But not before Tyrion makes it clear that he’s aware of the twincest.

I have plenty of criticisms for Tyrion in later books, but he fucking rules in this one.  He also implies that he knows she killed Robert and strongly suggests she keep Sansa alive.  Good.  Sansa’s previous chapter is when I really started to like her.

  Tyrion leaves and goes outside to order that all the gross festering heads on spikes be taken down.  He rides around the city to appraise thing and realizes that King’s Landing has gone to shit.  There’s chaos everywhere and the Tyrell’s who control the food supply and the road into KL have cut them off.  The poors are hungry.  This can only end well.

  Tyrion goes to the inn where Shae is staying to visit her.  Varys is already there because he’s a shifty eunuch and knows everything.  This is Varys’ message that Tyrion and shit and Varys has his number.  He tells Tyrion a riddle about how power is an illusion.  it lies where people think it does.  Hmm…

  Varys leaves and Tyrion and Shae get it on.

 

Bran I

  Bran has been having a lot of wolf dreams lately.  Summer and Shaggydog have been restless and constantly howling lately.  They know when shit is going down.  The comet is visible in Winterfell too.  Old Nan thinks it means dragons.  ON is a damn genius.  I’m not even snarking right now.  She knows all.  For maybe the only time in the series Bran acts his age and imitates the wolves by howling at the comet.  Luwin chastises Bran and doesn’t think the wolf dreams are very significant.  Oh, Luwin.

  The wolves have been trapped in a pen because Shaggy lunged at the Frey wards Big Walder and Little Walder.  They were annoying and played a game called ‘Lord of the Crossing’ that involves knocking people over that try to cross a log over water.  It was Rickon getting hit with a stick that caused Shaggy to attack.

  Bran has some more spooky wolf dreams.  They foreshadow of course.  The end.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Cressen.

Cumulative deaths: 36

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Get out of my dreams and into my crypt

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Bran VII, Sansa VI, Daenerys IX, Tyrion IX

Booze in my flagon: Vodka with sparkling water

 

Bran VII

  Bran is watching Rodrick, who has returned to Winterfell train boys in sword fighting.  No.  That’s not what it sounds like.  All the men have marched off with Robb so the young guys need to be trained to guard Winterfell.

  Bran is telling Maester Luwin about the dream he had last night.  The Three Eyed Crow told Bran to go down in the crypts with him.  Ned was there and he was sad but he doesn’t remember what they talked about.  Something to do with Jon.  When he woke up, he tried to get Hodor to take him down there, but Hodor wouldn’t go.  He wants Luwin to take him down to the crypts, but he thinks Bran is being silly and Ned won’t be dead for years.  Oh, Luwin.

  Osha pops up and offers to take him to the crypts.  Summer follows and Luwin goes with them after all.  There’s a cold and spooky feeling in the air.  Bran thinks he hears something and Luwin, of course thinks it’s his imagination.  Then Bran has been proven right.  Something jumps out at them.  It’s Shaggydog.  Rickon’s wolf.  SD is acting like Cujo and bites Luwin so Summer starts fighting him.  It doesn’t stop until Rickon emerges from the shadows and calls SD off.

  Rickon, in a remarkable vocabulary feat for a four year old explains that he dreamed about Ned, who told him he’s coming home.  Luwin looks a little uncertain of his previous skepticism.  They go to Luwin’s tower to dress his wounds.  Luwin is still trying to rationalize the boys psychic dreams away.  Osha is more open minded.

  They wind up talking about the Children of the Forest.  They were the creatures that lived in Westeros before the First Men came.  The COTF and the First Men went to war when the FM came over from Essos.  Eventually they made a truce and became friends.  The First Men eventually took up the Children’s gods.  The Old Gods that they still worship today.  Luwin believes the COTF are all dead, killed when the Andals (southerners) invaded.  Osha says they still live beyond the Wall.

  All of a sudden Summer and Shaggydog start howling.  Maybe they want snausages?  Probably not.  Bran has a feeling that something is very wrong.  Rickon starts crying.  Just then a raven arrives with the news of Ned’s death.

 

Sansa VI

  Sansa has been staying in bed crying and sleeping.  She considers suicide by jumping out the window.  She doesn’t do it.  Probably for the best.  She might have ended up like Bran.  Eventually Joffrey makes her get up and join him at court.  Finally, finally Sansa hates him as much as everybody else.  He claims it was mercy to kill him cleanly and she still has to marry him.  She tells Joffrey that she hates him and he has Kingsguard member Meryn Trant hit her.  Classy.

  At court, Joffrey makes all his rulings in the fashion of Kim Jong family members.  Or insert whatever dictator you don’t like in the previous sentence.  After court Joffrey makes Sansa take a walk with him.  He calls her stupid and says Cersei thinks she’s stupid too.  Now Sansa knows Cersei was just being phony to her all along. 

  Joffrey makes her go up to the battlements to looks at the severed heads on spikes of her father and the rest of the Stark household.  He also has empty spikes for Stannis and Renly.  He tells her that he’ll kill Robb and give her his head.  Sansa says that maybe Robb will give her his head.

Ooh Burn

  I will continue to post teen movie gifs as a way to deal with the sad and angry feelings these books give me.

Joffrey has Meryn hit her again.  She contemplates throwing herself and Joffrey off the wall, but the Hound stops her.

 

Daenerys IX

  Dany is having crazy fever dreams.  I don’t feel like describing them.  Suffice to say there is a major dragon theme.  She finally wakes up and is very dizzy and weak.  She drifts in and out of sleep.  Mizzi keeps feeding her some sort of roofied wine.  At one point she requests her dragon eggs come over for a cuddle.

  At last she wakes up for realsies and learns that Rhaego is dead and Drogo is still alive.  Nobody seems very happy about that though. Also, the baby looked like a hideous monster.  Mizzi seems kind of gleeful about that.  Dany decides to go see Drogo.  Outside of the tent there are only about a hundred people.  It turns out that a lot of Dothraki took this opportunity to make themselves Khals and everyone else followed them and left.

  Drogo is basically comatose.  It seems that Mizzi cheated her.  She admits that it was revenge for what Drogo and his khalasar did to her people.  She has Mirri carried off.  Later, just before dawn she suffocates Drogo with a pillow.

 

Tyrion IX

  Tywin is despondent because Robb has captured Jaime.  Tyrion and Tywin’s bannermen argue over what to do next.  Finally, Tywin kicks everyone but Tyrion and Kevan out.  Tywin informs them that Renly has married Margaery Tyrell and has all of the Reach on his side.  They decide that the most immediate priority is to take out the Starks before Stannis or Renly can do anything.  Tywin declares they will go to Harrenhal.

  Tyrion however, will not be going with them.  Tywin is sending him to King’s Landing to go to court and act as acting Hand of the King.  He forbids Tyrion from bringing Shae to court.

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Drogo.

Cumulative deaths: 34

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Mirri Maz Durr pretended to be on Dany’s side and wasn’t. 

Cumulative betrayals: 9

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

Crouching Tyrion, hidden dragon(s)

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Tyrion VII, Sansa V, Eddard XV, Catelyn IX, Jon IX

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Tyrion VII

  Tyrion and his stank ass clan people plus Bronn ride up to Tywin Lannister’s camp.  We get two full pages about how gross and uncivilized the hill folk are.  Then we get a couple of page describing the vastness of the Lannister camp, which is set up at the crossroads.  The place where Tyrion was taken by Cat.  Masha, the innkeeper has been hung for no good reason and crows are eating her decaying corpse.  This is when we first hear the joke about Tywin shitting gold.

  Tywin does not seem to give any gold flecked shits that Tyrion hasn’t been killed.  Tywin is very cold and intimidating and is making  Tyrion nervous.  Tywin can’t wait to point out that golden (handed) child Jaime would have never been captured by a woman and they are going to war for the honor of the house.  Not Tyrion’s welfare.  Father of the year folks!

  So far the war effort has been going well for the Lannisters and Tywin isn’t very worried about Robb because he’s a green boy.  Tyrion learns that Robb is dead and Ned is a hostage.  Tywin wants Tyrion to get rid of Beric Dondarrion, Thoros and their men who are still fighting against the Lannister foraging parties.  Tyrion starts asking for armor for his hill folk to wear when Shagga bursts in and disarms the Lannister guard.  His stink is riper and stronger than the cheese they are eating.  Stop trying to make me cut back on dairy GRRM.

  Tyrion introduces the hill folk to Tywin and Tywin’s lackey/brother Kevan.  They are interrupted again to be told that the Stark army is approaching.  Tywin manipulates the hill folk into agreeing to be on the frontline and tae Tyrion with them.

 

Sansa V

  Sansa has been given freedom of the castle.  It means she can move around, but she has guards following her at all times.  She is attending Joffrey’s first court session.  A lot of the usuals are mysteriously absent and those that are there keep their distance from her.

  Pycelle reads off a giaganamous list of lords and ladies that are commanded to come give fealty.  it’s all the people in rebellion.  He then names Tywin the new Hand.  Cersei is named the next regent.  That’ll go well.  For turning on Ned, Janos Slynt is given the title of Lord and given Harrenhal in place of Cat’s relative and Tully bannerwoman Shella Whent who has yielded.  It’s never explained where Lady Whent went and it kind of drives me crazy.

  Then, Barristan Selmy is called forward.  Cersei fires him because he’s old and failed to keep either Robert, or Aerys before him safe.  Jaime is to be the new Lord Commander.  Selmy is super pissed that a kingslayer is taking his post.  He tosses his cloak and armor to the floor and rejects the offer of a keep to retire in.  He tells them all he could cut them if he wanted, but he won’t, he’ll just let Stannis take the throne.  Instead he tosses his sword on the ground and melodramatically storms off.

  Somebody needs to fill the KG back up to seven.  That somebody is Sandor Clegane even though he isn’t a knight.

she doesn't even go here mean girls gif

  Now it is time for people to bring their business to the king.  Sansa speaks up to ask for mercy for Ned.  Sansa blames the treason on Ned being crunk on milk of the poopy (typo and it stays).  In an obvious dog and pony show Joffrey, Cersei, Varys, Pycelle and Littlefinger all agree that Ned should get mercy if he confesses.

 

Eddard XV

  Ned has been in a urine soaked dungeon cell.  Ned is finally starting to get real with himself and realizing he has been naïve and trusting.  He’s mad at everyone, but most of all himself.  Yeah.  Me too.  Well, I’m not angry Ned, just disappointed.  After being left alone with no food or water for a long time, Ned is finally woken by a gaoler who offers him a jug of water.  He is delirious and dreams about his sister Lyanna and the time Rhaegar Targaryen crowned her queen of love and beauty after winning the tourney at Harrenhal.

  Finally, Varys disguised as a gaoler comes to offer Ned wine and a chat.  He informs Ned that Arya has escaped and nobody can find her and that Sansa is being watched by Cersei.  He also informs her that Tyrion is free.

  Ned asks if Varys will free him.  He says no, it wouldn’t suit him.  He desires peace and freeing Ned wouldn’t accomplish that.  He tells him that Robb is marching and Cersei has more use for a tame wolf than a dead one.  He urges Ned to confess to treason to save Sansa’s life and serve the realm.

 

Catelyn IX

  Catelyn, Robb and his host are marching from the neck towards the Twins.  The Twins are held by lord Walder Frey.  Frey is very old and cranky.  In most stories the prickly, mean old man is revealed to have a heart of gold under all his curmudgeonly exterior.  Not this story.  Frey is supposed to be Hoster Tully’s bannerman, but that doesn’t mean he’ll have Robb and Cat’s back.  They need his approval to cross the bridge over the Trident river.  Theon thinks they could take the Twins if they needed to.  Cat disagrees.  They have no time for a siege because Tywin is too close.

  The Blackfish comes back from a scouting mission to inform them that there’s been fighting at Riverrun and Cat’s brother Edmure has been taken prisoner.  This makes it all the more urgent that they cross the river.  Robb starts to get all impetuous and declares they’ll storm the Twins.  Cat chastises him and tells him they need to find out what Frey wants first.

  Once they get to the Twins, a dozen men led by Walder’s heir Stevron Frey come out to meet them.  After some discussion as to who should go and treat with Walder, Cat volunteers.  She enters the hall of the castle and a bajillion of his kids and grandkids are there.  Walder is on his eighth wife, who is young, so there have been many heirs.  He’s like the Larry King of Westeros.  My pop culture references are not always timely.  Sorry.

  Walder wants to dispense with all pleasantries.  Predictably, he is not receptive to opening up the bridge for nothing.  He doesn’t care about the oaths he swore to her father.  He just wants to complain about how nobody respects him or wants to marry his fugly kids.  If Walder Frey were alive today he’d right at home making angry old white man complaints in the comments section of Fox News or Yahoo.

  Finally they come to an agreement.  Frey will let them pass and offer up his swords.  Two of Frey’s grandsons are to be sent to foster at Winterfell.  Frey’s son Olyvar will serve as Robb’s squire.  Arya will marry his youngest boy Elmar and Robb has to marry a Frey girl of his choosing. All the Freys are pretty weaselly looking, so Robb isn’t too excited about it.  Sadly, he has no choice but to consent.

 

Jon IX

  Jon’s recovering from his wight fight.  His hand is pretty badly burned.  His blisters are as big roaches.  Gross.  Why make that comparison?  Would there even be roaches in such a cold environment?

  Jon and LC Mormont are chatting.  Mormont is pissed that there is a shitty boy king in charge.  Now nobody will take the needs of the NW seriously.  In a touching male bonding moment, Mormont gives Jon his sword Longclaw as a reward for saving his life.  Why the hell not?  Jorah is a loser and a disgrace.  It’s a Valyrian steel sword.  Mormont’s creepy anthropomorphized raven implores him to take it.  The pommel has been changed from a bear to a wolf.

  Jon thinks of the times he used to dream as a boy that he saved Ned’s life and Ned proclaimed him a true Stark and gave him Ice.  Excuse me, there’s a sudden dust storm in here and my eyes are watering.

  Mormont tells Jon that he has sent Alliser Thorne to King’s Landing with Jafer Flower’s hand to show them and convince them that shit is getting real at the Wall and they need more men.  It also has the nice side effect of separating the two of them.

  Jon’s friends want to play with Jon’s new toy.  Of course Jon gets all angsty and has to leave them.  He’s hanging out in his cell with Ghost.  Sam interrupts them to say that Maester Aemon wants to speak with Jon.

  Aemon is all philosophical.  He asks Jon if he knows why the NW vows to take no wives and father no children.  It is so they will not know love.  Love would get in the way of performing their duty to the realm.  It was so they would have no divided loyalties.

  Aemon says it is easy for a man to do his duty when there is no other choice, but it is not so easy when he has to choose between duty and something he wants or loves.  Aemon knows Jon is choosing between his NW duty and his father’s cause.  Because Aemon had to choose several times.  He had to watch from afar the destruction of his house.  He is … dun, dun, dun … Aemon Targaryen.  And he chose his NW duty every time.

 

Deaths in this recap: 0  It’s an uneventful stat roundup today.  Don’t worry.  It’ll get better next time.

Cumulative deaths: 23

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0 

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

 

Sweet Jeyne is approximately screwed

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Sansa IV, Jon VIII, Bran VI, Daenerys VI, Catelyn VIII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Sansa IV

  Sansa has been trapped in her bedroom with Jeyne for three days.  Sansa has heard, but not seen all the carnage below.  That was on the first day.  On the second day they hear the bells clanging and Sansa figures this means Robert died.  On the third day, they bring her to have a little chat with Cersei.

  In Maegor’s holdfast Cersei is waiting with Littlefinger, Pycelle and Varys.  That can only be a good thing.  Cersei is working Sansa and being nice to her.  She hopes that Sansa has been treated nicely.  Sansa mentions that Jeyne is with her in the tower.  Uh, oh.  Lf offers to take her somewhere and keep her.  Boros Blount, the Kingsguard is sent to escort her away.  Poor Jeyne.  We won’t be hearing from her again any time soon.  Cersei tells Sansa that she is sending Jeyne away because Jeyne is clearly too upsetting for Sansa.  Cersei’s pretty good at manipulating people.  Well, naïve kids anyway.  And Ned.

  Cersei continues buttering up Sansa by telling her that she and Joffrey love her soooo much.  This pleases Sansa.  Then Cersei hits her with the news that Ned has been charged with treason.  Cersei passive aggressively wonders how she can allow a traitor’s daughter to marry her son.  Sansa protests that she loves Joffrey.  Cersei knows this.  Why else would Sansa have come to her if not for love?

  Now we travel back in time three days and learn how Sansa came to be escorted into the tower in the first place.  Sansa was still upset that she was being sent back to Winterfell and not staying to marry Joffrey.  She didn’t quite grasp why, so she went to Cersei to ask her to intervene.  Facepalm.  This is what alerted Cersei that she had to move quickly to capture and kill everyone in Ned’s household.  This is one of the most controversial parts of the series.  I’m going to just gloss over it a little.  Sansa made a mistake, she didn’t know what was happening, there was no malice.  That is all.

    Back to the present.  They all manipulate Sansa into proclaiming her loyalty to Joffrey.  They have her write out a letter to Robb proclaiming that Ned is a traitor and he needs to go to King’s Landing to declare fealty to Joffrey.  In exchange for writing the letters she thinks she gets to marry Joffrey and keep her family safe. 

 

Jon VIII

  Jon, Sam and everyone learn that the corpses ghost found belonged to Othor and Jafer Flowers.  Men that had gone with Benjen on his ranging.  Not a good sign for old Benji.  The creepy atmosphere is still abounding even though it’s warm out and not white walker weather at all.

  Sam is afraid to look at the corpses, but Jon tells him to stop being such a wimp and do his job as Aemon’s eyes.  Meanwhile LC Mormont is scolding the ranger Ser Jaremy Rykker for letting two men get slaughtered so close to the Wall without anyone noticing.  They speculate it was Mance Rayder and that Benjen is slain as well.  They put the time of death as a day ago.

  Sam however, begs to differ.  He has noticed that the stump of his wrist where ghost tore the hand off hasn’t bled.  This means the corpses are old.  It’s mysterious (and gross) though, because they don’t smell of rot, they don’t have maggots and no animals have eaten at them.  Chett, who has been reassigned to the kennels is ordered to bring the dogs closer.  The dogs won’t go anywhere near the corpses.

  Creepier and creepier.  They notice there isn’t blood everywhere, so they must have been killed somewhere else.  They also notice that they have blue eyes.  They didn’t when they were alive.  Some of the rangers want the corpses burned.  Mormont wants them investigated and orders them brought back to the Wall.  The horses won’t accept the corpses on their backs.  OK NW,  If the dogs and the horses won’t get anywhere these corpses, maybe it’s a bad sign.  Right?  No?  They fashion slings from branches and drag the corpses back to the wall. 

  Later on, a raven arrives at the Wall with a message.  Everybody is looking at Jon funny.  Finally Pyp tells Jon that the king is dead.  Poor Jon thinks this means Ned will be returning to Winterfell and he can visit and find out who his mother is.  He goes to Mormont’s solar and Mormont asks him to pour glasses of wine for each of them.  They need to talk.  That’s bad enough to hear in real life.  In Westeros, that’s a really bad thing to hear.  You’ll see.

  Mormont breaks it to Jon that Ned is charged with treason.  Jon’s all upset about this and doesn’t think it could be true.  Mormont just hopes Ned will be sent to the Wall because they need someone of his caliber.  Real sensitive Old Bear.  He has a point.  But still, it’s a shitty thing to say.  Mormont tells Jon he hopes he isn’t going to do anything stupid and stresses that his old life is finished and his duty is at the Wall now.

  Later in the dining hall, Jon’ friends are expressing support for him.  However, he overhears Alliser Thorne making fun of him and calling him a traitor’s bastard.  Jon lunges to attack Alliser and everyone has to separate them.  “Hold me back, bro!”  Jon gets in trouble for this and is confined to his cell.

  Later that night Ghost wakes him up pawing at the door.  He’s snarling and the air is really cold.  Jon opens the door and finds his guard dead on the floor.  Ghost leads Jon up to Mormont’s chamber.  There is dead Othor.  Poised to attack.  He cuts off Othor’s hand and the hand moves by itself and grabs him.  Ew!  Othor tries to choke Jon by shoving his icy fingers down his throat.  Ghost pulls him off.  Mormont’s raven says “Burn, burn, burn!”  Jon takes the lamp and lights the curtains on fire and whipped them at Othor.

 

Bran VI

  Robb has called his banners and the different Lords and their people are streaming into Winterfell.  Maester Luwin tells Bran that Robb will be marching south soon.  This is upsetting for Bran but Luwin tells him Robb must greet Lord Karstark the latest and last arrival and won’t have time for him.  Awww.

  Bran has Hodor take him to the godswood.  Summer accompanies them.  He sends Hodor to soak at pools while Bran reflects by the heart tree.  Bran remembers a recent night when Lord Greatjon Umber threatened to leave if he wasn’t placed first in the marching order.  Robb told him to go home and after the war they’d come and get him and hang him as an oathbreaker.  Umber pitched a fit and Robb sicked Grey Wind on him.  Grey Wind bit off two of his fingers.  For some reason this act of manly macho bonding made them besties.  Later that night, Robb came to Bran’s room to confess how scared he’d been.

  Back in the present, Osha, who is wearing chains on her ankles interrupts Bran’s prayers just as the leaves are spookily rustling.  Osha tells him the rustling is the Old Gods answering him.  She tells him that Robb shouldn’t be marching south.  The Old Gods can’t watch him there because the weirwood trees are cut down in the south. 

  Hodor interrupts them.  He’s naked and swinging his big schlong around.  Osha remarks that he must be giant.  Bran says that Maester Luwin told him that giants were extinct.  Osha begs to differ.  She tells him that there are not only giants beyond the Wall, but Others and wights.  She advises Bran to tell Robb he’s marching the wrong way.  Later on, Luwin tells Bran all her stories are bullshit.  OK Lu.

  Two days later, Robb and his host march south.

 

Daenerys VI

  Dany is trying, unsuccessfully to persuade Khal Drogo to cross the Narrow Sea and invade Westeros.  Drogo doesn’t quite get it.  He doesn’t understand the need for an “iron chair” and thinks the sea is poisoned and evil because horses can’t drink it.  The Dothraki are really afraid of the sea and travelling it.  Jorah later councils Dany to be patient and they decide to go gal pal it up and shop at the western market.  This is why you’re in the dreaded friendzone Jorah!  I kid, I kid.

  Once they get there, Jorah leaves Dany and the rest of the group to seek out the captain and see if any letters have arrived for them.  They come upon a wine merchant.  When Doreah tells the merchant he is addressing Daenerys, he offers her a special wine from the Arbor where the best wine comes from.  He gives her a cask, when Jorah appears out of nowhere and tells her not to take it.

  He commands the wine merchant to open the cask.  The merchant hedges, but Jorah threatens him into pouring some.  Jorah tries to get the wineseller to taste it.  Instead of complying, he runs off.  Jhogo catches the wine merchant by the leg with his whip and the Dothraki take him to meet the Khal.  Jorah says he knew the wine was poisoned because of a letter from Ilyrio.  he leaves it at that.

  Dany is super pissed. She thinks that the Usurper has awoken the dragon and he will be sorry.  Ha ha Dany.  He’s already dead!  She has Jorah light a fire and puts her dragon eggs in.  The fire doesn’t harm the eggs at all.

  Later Drogo comes home from his hunt with the pelt of a white lion for Dany.  He is so enrage when he learns of the assassination that he decides he will win the “iron chair” for Rhaego after all.  The next day, the Khalasar starts west.  They chained the wineseller to Dany’s saddle and leave him to run naked after it until he can’t keep up anymore and gets dragged to his death.  Yay happy ending!

 

Catelyn VIII

  Cat and Blackfish ride to Moat Cailin escorted by Robb’s bannermen Lord Wyman Manderly’s sons Wlyis and Wendel.  Both of the Manderly brothers are morbidly obese, although Wyman is even bigger and can’t even ride a horse.  Robb has temporarily set up camp in Moat Cailin.  An abandoned fort in the neck, separating the north and south.  It’s the old broke down stronghold of the First Men.  It’s also a little bit creepy and said to be haunted by ghosts of northerners who long for southron blood.  It’s also impenetrable from the south because it’s surrounded by bogs.

  Inside, Robb is sitting with his advisors.  Greatjon Umber and Roose Bolton who is intimidating, speaks in whispers and has icy creepy eyes.  Not suspicious at all.  Robb inquires about Ser Rodrick Cassel and she informs him she’s sent him back to Winterfell to act as Castellan.  She also has to break the news to the northern lords that her crazy ass sister let Tyrion go.

  Catelyn asks everyone to leave so she and Robb can dine alone.  She can’t quite believe her kid is leading men to war.  In a moment I find incredibly cute and sweet Robb asks her if she’s going to send him back to Winterfell.  Cat wants to, but knows she can’t because if he gets sent home by mommy none of the bannermen will take him seriously ever again.

  They talk battle strategy for a bit.  Sorry, this stuff is boring to me.  Read it yourself if you want the details.  Afterwards Robb is about to send her with an escort back to Winterfell.  She tells him, no she is going with them to visit Riverrun.

 

Deaths in this recap: 1  The wine merchant.  Not named, but he’s important enough to be included.

Cumulative deaths: 23

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0  There’s an implied betrayal here, but I’m waiting until it’s confirmed.  No I’m not putting Sansa in here.

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

So many twincest babies, so little time

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Jon VI, Tyrion VI, Eddard XI, SansaIII

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

Before I get started I would like to make a completely unrelated complaint.  Why, oh why did the Lifetime Movie Network stop showing movies?  It is such a great Saturday and/or Sunday afternoon pastime to loaf on the coach and watch movies about stalkers and angsty teens.  Now they are showing true crime shows.  Why?  ID does it better so what is even the point.  From the LMN Facebook page, I gather that fans are pissed and the network won’t address it.  Why do networks do that?  Oh well.  Time to get back on topic.

Jon VI

Alliser Thorne still thinks his recruits are worthless.  However, it is time to make way for fresh new thieves and rapers so it is time to graduate some people from the ballet school into the company.  Just like the Center Stage cast, they are now the real deal.  Among the lucky fellows are Jon, Grenn, Pyp, Dareon and Toad.  Not Sam obviously.  He sucks.  Alliser tells them they are all going to die when winter comes and dismisses himself from class.  Alliser Thorne reminds me of Mr. Hand from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Everyone is celebrating except Sam who feels left out and Jon who just can’t help himself.  He just has to angst about Benjen still being missing.  Those two.  Always harshing everyone’s mellow.

Later on Jon goes for a horseback ride and contemplates backing out of the NW before he takes his vows.  Ultimately he decides he’s got nothing better to do with his life and decides to stick it out.  He knows he has no place at Winterfell and his mom didn’t want him either.  That part is sad and this time I can’t really make fun of him for the angst.  While riding back to Castle Black he devises a scheme.

Jon goes to visit Maester Aemon.  The Steward Chett answers the door.  Chett has a face covered in boils and pimples including something the size of a pigeon egg on his neck.  Gross!  Surely somebody this hideous also has a bad personality.  Sure enough Chett is cranky.  He always is.  He tries to keep Jon out by telling him he’s in bed.  Jon doesn’t care about an old man’s rest because his business is too important.  Everything turns out OK though.  He wasn’t even asleep anyway.

Jon is there to ask Aemon to pull some strings and get Sam graduated into the NW too.  He explains that Sam will never ever be able to fight and further training is futile and uses an allegory about the Maester’s chains which are made of different metals to pretty much say “it takes all kinds.”  Sam will never be a warrior, but he could be a steward because the Watch is pretty short on literate, educated people and Sam is a nerd so he’d probably be good at helping Aemon out with math, writing and tending the ravens.  If I hadn’t mentioned Aemon is really old and blind so that nerd stuff will come in handy.  Aemon makes no promises but compliments Jon on his intelligence so we all know how it’s going to turn out.

Tyrion VI

Tyrion and Bronn are well into their journey down the mountains of the Vale.  Tyrion wants to get a nice fire going.  Bronn is against it because it will draw the mountain clans down.  Tyrion would rather die comfortable by a fire than get killed trying to race down the mountain at night so he asks Bronn to hunt down some game.  They strike up a heartwarming deal.  They will ride together and Bronn will protect Tyrion.  However, this is because Tyrion is rich and will match the price of any enemy to keep his protection going.  Bronn wants to make it clear that they are not real friends and he does not love Tyrion.  No homo!

With their understanding settled, they settled in for dinner and sleep.  Even though they are totally not friends, they chat like two teenaged girls at a sleepover.  Tyrion tells the tale of his first love Tysha.  When he was 13 years old he and Jaime were riding home to Casterly Rock from Lannisport when they saw a young girl running out to the road and screaming.  She was being chased by two pervs.  Jaime chased them into the woods and Tyrion comforted Tysha who was an orphaned crofter’s daughter.  While Jaime went off to catch the would be rapers Tyrion took Tysha to an inn to feed her.  They ended up getting drunk and having sex.

Tyrion and Tysha decided they want to get married so they bribed a drunk septon to do it.  In the morning drunk septon fessed up to Tywin and boy howdy was Tyrion in trouble.  Tywin made Jaime confess that Tysha was actually whore.  Here’s where things get incredibly disturbing.  Tywin had all his guards rape her while Tyrion watched.  Then he had Tyrion rape her too.  I guess now we have some insight into the dysfunctionality of the Lannister siblings.

Finally the sleepover friends drift off to sleep.  Or Tyrion does anyway.  Until Bronn wakes him up.  The feared mountain clansmen have arrived.  Side note; it’s impossible to type clansmen without thinking klansmen,  Yuck.

Anyway, these hillbillies are named Gunthor son of Gurn, Shagga so of Dolf and a bunch of other names.  Of course the Stone Crows want to mug and kill them.  But of course, Tyrion wins them over with pithy remarks and promises to give them the Vale of Arryn.  I guess it doesn’t occur to them that Tyrion probably can’t keep this promise because it totally works.

Eddard XI

Ned has to sit in the uncomfortable stabby Iron Throne and hold court because Robert is away on his hunt even though things in Westeros are going to shit.  Both Riverrun and Casterly Rock have called their banners.  Gregor Clegane and a bunch of other Lannister brigands have been raiding towns killing pretty much everyone and burning everything.  Nice.  The brigands weren’t flying any banner but it’s kind of hard to hide who Gregor is.  Pycelle tries to steer everyone away from believing that Tywin had anything to do with this.  That’s not suspicious at all.  Nope.  Nothing to see here.

As Eddard is about to decide how to dispense justice, Loras Tyrell comes forward, eager to go hunt Gregor down. Instead, Ned sends a lord named Beric Dondarrion.  This is important detail that you’ll need to file away for later.  With Beric goes several others including Thoros of Myr and twenty of Ned’s men.  Loras is terribly disappointed and Varys pretty much calls Ned stupid for not currying favor with Tyrells by sending him.

Sansa III

Sansa (who had been observing court) and Jeyne Poole are discussing the tragedy of Loras not being allowed to go hunt down Gregor.  Sansa thinks Ned’s crankiness comes from his hurt leg and it’s making him delusional or something.  Erm, OK?  Earlier, on the way out of court Sansa was complaining to Septa Mordane about this troubling turn of events when who should sidle up to them?  Littlefinger of course.  He agrees with her that Loras should have been sent, but not because of his dreamy knightness.  He strokes her cheek and tells her life is not a song.  Unsurprisingly, Sansa was skeeved by this.  Methinks Westeros would have benefitted from To Catch a Predator.  Outdate pop culture reference FTW!

Anyway, back to the present, Jeyne is pretty warm for Beric’s form and thinks he’s just as gallant as Loras.  Sansa thinks he’s old because he’s 22.  Um…no comment.  Sansa thinks she is stupid because even a minor lord wouldn’t want to marry a steward’s daughter.  They gossip about Joffrey and Arya for awhile.  Then they went to eat leftover strawberry pie.  I notice that for all of GRRM’s food porn, the characters never seem to eat anything with chocolate.  Maybe cocoa plants don’t grow there?  So many things suck about Westeros but the lack of chocolate might be the worst.  I’m such a girl right now.  Blogging about chocolate and Sansa and drinking wine with a cat curled up next to me.

At breakfast Sansa tells Arya about Gregor’s unsavory activities and the men who were sent for Gregor’s head.  Arya points out that Jaime should have been beheaded for killing Jory and the Hound should be beheaded for killing Mycah.  Of course, Sansa defends the Hound and of course Arya gets pissed and throws her orange at Sansa’s face.  Septa Mordane sends them both to their rooms.

Later Ned calls Sansa into his room for a talk.  She also brings Arya in.  Not to talk about their fight though.  He tells them they are being sent back to Winterfell.  Both girls are upset.  Sansa wants to marry Joffrey (ick) and Arya wants to keep training with Syrio.  Their pleas end up with Sansa pointing out that Joffrey is nothing like his fat drunken father.  That sure gives Ned pause.

Eddard XII

Pycelle is “treating” Ned by trying to keep him stoned off his ass on heroin milk of the poppy.  Ned isn’t having it.  He then tells Ned that Tywin is pissed off about Ned sending people after Gregor.  Ned informs Pycelle that he does not have a single fuck to give and Pycelle hobbles off.  Presumably to report back to Cersei.

Ned has figured out the secret that Cersei is covering up, but he isn’t letting us in on it yet.  TELL US NED!!!   Ned tells one of his men to deliver a note to Cersei to meet him in the godswood.  He tells her knows what she did last summer the truth Jon Arryn died for.  Cersei mentions Jaime and Ned taes the opportunity to ask her if her brother is also her lover.  Ew.  Of course we know that he is.

Finally, finally!  Ned comes out and says it.  All three of Cersei’s kids are Jaimes, not Robert’s.  You see, that’s what Jon Arryn’s final words “the seed is strong” mean.  All of the Baratheons always had black hair and all Cersei’s kids are blonde.  A geneticist or Maury Povich would tell you that isn’t the greatest evidence.  But this is fantasy and it is good for Ned in light of Sansa’s observation.

Cersei is very happy that all her kids belong to Jaime.  Robert is pretty lame, but geez Cersei HE.  IS.  YOUR.  FRAKKING. BROTHER!  Cersei also admits that the only time she got pregnant by Robert she got a abortion.  Ned wants to know why Cersei hated Robert so much.  It’s because on their wedding night Robert got wasted and called her “Lyanna” when they were consummating.  I actually can’t blame her for being so angry.  Remember on Friends when Ross was marrying Emily and he said “I take thee Rachel?”  It’s like that.

Ned tells Cersei that he will tattle on her when Robert comes back from hunting.  He advises her to leave the country with her kids.  She brings up the time he could have taken the Iron Throne for himself when he took KL for Robert.  Then she says one of the more famous lines from the series:  “When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.  There is no middle ground.”  Take note Ned.

I know that from a storytelling standpoint, this conversation needed to happen.  Still, I feel like neither of them would have been quite so candid with the other in reality.  Oh well.  It was still really awesome.

If I don’t end up with anything to do tomorrow I’ll be back to cover the chapters where the shit finally starts to hit the fan.

Deaths in this recap: 0  Don’t worry.  There are a bunch set up for the next entry.

Cumulative deaths: 14

Betrayals in this recap: 1  Tywin was a terrible father today.

Cumulative betrayals: 4

Incest incidents: 3.  Cersei admits all her kids are the product of twincest so I’m counting them all even though it was in the past.

Cumulative incests: 6

My Lord of Ham

Book I am reading:  A Game Of Thrones

Chapters:  Jon V, Eddard VI, Catelyn V, Sansa II, Eddard VII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigot

 

Many apologies to my mostly non-existent readership.  My modem died and it took forever to get a new one up and running.  Because Comcast sucks.  I’ll be posting something either on Christmas eve or Christmas.  After all, nothing says ASOIAF like eating 77 course meals.  Anyways, on with it.

 

Jon V

  Jon and Dareon are sparring in the yard of Castle Black.  And who should walk in?  The fattest boy Jon ere did see.  The fur collar of his throat was lost beneath his myriad chins.  The horror!  I’d call GRRM out for fat shaming if he weren’t fat himself.  He really must be working some issues.  It’s a lot like V.C. Andrews and all the rapey brothers and fathers.  You know something was going on there.

  Pyp is skilled in reading where people are from and he can tell that fatty fat pants is a lordling who hails from somewhere near Highgarden (where the Tyrells are).  Predictably, Alliser Thorne is unimpressed and refers to him as “my Lord of Ham” and “Ser Piggy.”  Ser Piggy is the one that sticks but personally, I prefer Lord of Ham. 

  L of H, after being fitted with specially made giant armor has to fight Halder in the yard.  After less than a minute, L of H goes down.  Hard.  Everybody laughs and Alliser Thorne encourages Halder to beat him while he’s down and has yielded.  Jon’s sense of self righteousness kindness acts up and he protests.  This is not winning him points with Alliser.  Alliser is about to make Jon fight Halder, Rast and Albett (I think this is the only time we ever see Albett) but then, Pyp and Grenn decide to join Jon so the fight is fair.  For once Westeros is like typical fantasy lands and the good guys prevail.

  Jon helps L of H up and we learn who this mysterious HamLord is.  It’s Samwell “Sam” Tarly of Horn Hill.  We’ll meet his father Randyl later.  You won’t like him.  Poor Sam at least has the integrity to admit that he’s a coward.  Jon admires Sam for being honest about who he is and I agree with him.

  One night Jon joins Sam for dinner.  Sam is eating pork pie.  Is that symbolic cannibalism?  Jon wants to soul bond over their mutual angst so he suggests they go up to walk the top of the wall with Ghost.  Sam is scared and starts to cry.  Ghost acts like a cute sweet dog instead of a bad-ass direwolf and licks Sam’s tears away.  This causes them all to laugh and become buddies.  Jon talks about a recurring dream he has about the crypts of Winterfell.  This is undoubtedly foreshadowing and hints, but this is a recap not an analysis and I hate retelling dream sequences.  What it boils down to is there is probably an important secret down there and it involves Jon.  Now it is time for Sam to tell Jon about his upbringing.  It’s really sad.

  House Tarly is an old and noble house.  They are bannermen to house Tyrell, their sigil is a striding huntsmen, and they have a Valyrian sword named Heartsbane.  Randyll can not stand the fact that Sam is more interested in books, kitties and music than hunting and fighting.  For some reason in Westeros fat boys love cats.  Tommen Lannister Baratheon loves kitties too.  I guess that means I’m a fat boy?  Even though I’m a woman.

  Anyway, Randyll did everything he could think of to make Sam manly.  Including hiring the warlocks of Quarth (more on them in book 2) to make Sam bathe in the blood of freshly slaughtered aurochs.  JFC!  That’s insane!  Finally one day Sam is forced to get on his horse and ride into the woods until he meets Randyll.  Randyll, while skinning a deer tells Sam that he wishes his Sam’s younger brother Dickon would get the inheritance instead.  Sam’s choices are take the black or be killed in a “hunting accident.”  Wow.  Randyll makes the deadbeat dads of Maury paternity test shows look like father of the year.  Poor Sam.

  After this tale of woe, Jon goes back to the dining hall.  Rast and some other assholes are making fun of Sam.  Later that night, Jon and his friends sneak over to Rast’s cell and hold him down.  Ghost jumps on his chest and menaces him.  Jon reminds Rast that they know where he sleeps.  After that nobody is willing to bully Sam anymore.  Sam is touched.  Jon and Sam are now official bros.

 

Eddard VI

  King’s Landing is preparing for the tourney and having a small council meeting.  Janos Slynt (with a name like that you know he’s the worst) the commander of the gold cloaks, the guys who act as beat cops in KL is complaining about the uptick of crime.  There are sorts of strangers in town.  A woman’s head was even found floating in the pool at the Great Sept.  Ned promises him more men.  I think this scene is mostly there to establish Janos Slynt as a character.

  Ned is cranky because this tourney is proving expensive and troublesome.  Pycelle and Littlefinger disagree.  They view it as economic stimulus.  Renly takes this opportunity to mock the currently AWOL Stannis Baratheon for wanting to outlaw prostitution.  Trust me Stan.  That doesn’t work.  If I haven’t mentioned Stannis yet, he’s the middle brother between oldest Robert and youngest Renly.  Ned wonders when Stannis is going to scoot his ass off of Dragonstone and come back to court but nobody has an answer.  Everyone only wants to joke about whores so Ned adjourns the meeting.

  Ned is in his chamber reading the genealogy book Pycelle gave him and isn’t turning anything up.  Jory Cassell comes to the door and tells us that he interviewed some people LF suggested about Jon Arryn.  Nothing much came up except the information that Jon Arryn had been spending lots of time with Stannis.  One time they even went to a brothel together.  This info doesn’t compute because Stannis hates prostitution.  Is Stannis involved with Jon’s death?  Hiding because he knows too much?  The fictional analogue to Senator David Vitter Republican, LA?  Why was Renly not along for these hang outs?  Can Ned trust Renly?

  One of the leads suggested that they visit Tobho Mott, the best fancy armorer in town.  Jon and Stannis visited him previously. Tobho informs him that Jon + Stannis were there to see and question “the boy.”  The boy turns out to be a black haired, blue eyed (thanks mom for passing down that attraction!) buff teen stud named Gendry.  Gendry is really good at forging armor but he is quite surly.  Tobho knows who Gendry is and so does Ned.  Gendry is…Robert’s bastard! 

 

Catelyn V

  Catelyn and Rodrick, pretending to be regular folk stop at the Inn of the Crossroads.  When they go to dinner in the common room Catelyn sees a lot of soldiers the bannermen to her father Hoster Tully.  Yet Cat wishes to remain incognito.  They get stuck sitting across from an annoying singer named Marillion.

  There is some commotion across the room.  It turns out that Tyrion and his party who are headed to KL have stopped by.  Of course Marillion has to attention whore and shout at Tyrion requesting that Marillion sing for him.  Tyrion recognizes Cat.  Thanks Obama!

  Cat starts calling on all the bannermen’s soldiers she sees.  She has them reaffirm their loyalty to house Tully.  She then accuses Tyrion of the attempted murder of Bran and has him seized.  In the words of Tobias Funke; “now that’s an act break!”

 

Sansa II

  Sansa is at the tourney with Septa Mordane and Jeyne Poole.  Sansa is impressed by how fancy everything is.  Sandor Clegane and his terrifying and gigantic brother Gregor are the most macho and tough of the tourney.  Loras “knight of flowers” Tyrell is the most elegant and skillful.  Gregor aka “The Mountain” who is a 7 foot tall sociopath kills Ser Hugh of the Vale.  Hugh was one of Jon Arryn’s servants who was mysteriously knighted after his death.  He was one of the people of Littlefinger’s short list of people Jory/Ned should speak to.  Not that Sansa knows anything about this.  Ned keeps her out of the loop.  Good idea Ned!

  Anyway, Jeyne is extremely perturbed by this bloodbath but Sansa is strangely unmoved.  Take note Sansa haters!  Many think she’s a wuss, but this proves otherwise.  Later, Loras beats a Royce and gives Sansa a rose.  Sansa develops a big old crush.  Sansa lacks gaydar.  Littlefinger introduces himself to Sansa and creeps her out.  Joffrey, who had been mad at Sansa for the incident makes up with her.  After much eating and drinking that goes on for several paragraphs, Joffrey offers up Sandor as an escort home because Septa Mordane can’t hold her liquor and is passed out.  I hope nothing happened to her.

  The Hound is all grumpy with Sansa.  She calls him “Ser” and he must point out that he is no knight.  He mocks her for being a “little bird” trained to sing the right songs but not capable of critical thinking.  For some reason the Hound decides to act menacing and then turn around and tell Sansa why his face is burned up.

  Sandor was 7 and Gregor 12.  Sandor was playing with Gregor’s toy, a wooden knight.  Gregor did not play with action figures anymore, but all the same he was pissed.  He grabbed Sandor and shoved his face in the fire.  Ouch!  Now we know for sure that Gregor is an unrepentant psychopath.  Then Sandor tells Sansa he will kill her if she ever tells Joffrey or anyone else the tale.  This whole exchange is why I’m deeply disturbed by SanSan shippers.  Yuck.  The Clegane family has some serious issues.

 

Eddard VII

  Ned pities dead Hugh.  Also, his hackles were raised because Hugh died before Ned got a chance to talk to him.  Gregor is a Lannister creature.  He’s the one who killed Queen Elia and Prince Aegon.  This is a cause for suspicion.

  Ned is also worried because Robert wants to fight in the melee.  He is worried that Robert will be killed either accidently or in an assassination fashion.  Robert is in a rage because his armor won’t fit.  Ned points out that he’s too fat.  Robert tortures Lancel Lannister, Cersei’s cousin and some other squire by yelling at them to get a breastplate stretcher.  I wish that shit was real.  My bras could use them!  Alas, they don’t even exist in Westeros.  Robert was just taking the piss.  I’m not British.  I just love that phrase.

  Anyway, Ned is disturbed because Robert is surrounded by Lannisters.  That can’t be good.  Also, Cersei has forbidden Robert to fight.  Anyone who knows Robert knows this just makes him more into fighting.  He’s one of those dumbasses who always falls for reverse psychology.  Luckily, Ned and Barristan Selmy together convince Robert that it isn’t worth fighting because everyone would just let him win.  I can’t stress this enough.  Robert is a moron.  He would be in the tea party if he was alive today!  Robert is pissy and he takes the opportunity to whine about tough it is to be king.  Yeah right.  And it’s also super tough for me to be white.  All the tiny violins for you Robert!

  Later, in the tourney Jaime loses to the hound.  Littlefinger bet on Jaime and lost to Renly who bet on the Hound.  Renly remarks that it’s too bad Tyrion wasn’t there or he would win twice as much.  Remember that.  Littlefinger claimed that Tyrion bet against Jaime.  Renly thinks Tyrion would only bet for Jaime.  Of course, poor simple Ned never notices this contradiction.

  Then it is time for Gregor and Loras to square off.  Ned is afraid of Gregor.  For all of Ned’s lack of observational power, he at least realizes this guy is psycho as fuck.  Anyway, Gregor loses to Loras because Loras rides a mare that is in heat and Gregor’s boy horse gets distracted.  Gregor is about to murder Loras, but Sandor steps in and stops it.  The two brothers of craziness fight until Robert bellows at them to stop.  Loras in gratitude declines to fight Sandor for the title and forfeits the final match.  Later, Anguy from Dorne wins the archery contest and Thoros the red priest (more on that religion later) of Myr wins the melee.  Finally the stupid tourney is done.  I’ll be honest, this is one of the few parts of the books I get bored by.

  Later that night, Varys in disguise as a brown robed peasant sneaks up to Ned’s room to inform him that the Lannisters had indeed planned on killing Robert in the melee.  Varys also asserts that a colorless tasteless poison called the tears of Lys killed Jon Arryn.  However he does not know or pretends not know who did it.  Varys also says that Ser Hugh was killed for asking questions.  Uh, oh…

 

Deaths in this recap: 1  R.I.P. Ser Hugh, we hardly knew you

Cumulative deaths: 7

Betrayals in this recap: 1  Randyll Tarly.  Fathers should not want to murder their sons.

Cumulative betrayals: 3

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 2