Tag Archive | Jon

Noseless chaps

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings.  Last chapters!

Chapters:  Tyrion XV, Jon VIII, Bran VII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot noir

 

Tyrion XV

  Tyrion is not dead after all.  Did anyone think he was?  He has all kinds of dreams.  Including one in black and white with ravens and everyone dead.  Including wolves, lions and stags.  He feels guilty about killing them all.  Hmm.  This must be a foreshadowing but fuck if I know what it is foreshadowing.

  He spends an unspecified amount of time in a milk of the poppy induced half awake and half asleep state.  Finally he awakes for reals and Podrick is there with a new maester.   Oh no wait.  He got tricked into drinking more roofie juice and goes back to dreamland.  This time it’s a nice dream in which he’s being feasted as a hero.

  Finally Tyrion wakes again and sort of gets up.  He realizes he’s been taken out of his bedchamber and is in some little dank cold room somewhere.  Gratitude:  King’s Landing style.

  Argh!  Now he’s dreaming again.  I’m getting sick of this.  Especially since he’s dreaming of Tysha and I’m given the painful reminder that a couple of books from now I’m going to have to read the phrase “where do whores go?” so many times.  Ugh.  The memories are all romantical but he knows she’s really a whore so it’s fake.  Blah, blah, blah.

  Now he’s awake again and he convinces the maester to stop drugging him by choking him with his maester’s chain.  Lovely.  He makes the maester take off his face bandages.  Except this isn’t the Twilight Zone.  There’s no beautiful face underneath.

Nope.  Motherfucker is practically noseless now.  Ouch.

  He finds out the maester’s name is Ballabar.  He’s in Maegor’s holdfast and of course Tywin has taken over as hand.  Poor Tyrion is now powerless and friendless except for Pod.  Good old Pod.

 

Jon VIII

  Jon and Qhorin have given up hope and are basically waiting for death so they’re like “fuck it, might as well make a fire.”  I’ve got to commend them for holding out all this time.  I’d have given in to the campfire urge ages ago.  Of course, they have no s’mores so that makes it a little less tempting.  The two of them are the only ones of the five left.  Ebben was sent to find Mormont.  Dalbridge is presumed dead because they heard a horn or something.

  Jon, Qhorin and Stonesnake tried to sneak away but that stupid skinchanged eagle is following them.  I just realize now the GRRM was pretty prophetic.  This is pretty much the Westeros version of a drone but drones weren’t a thing back in the 90s when this was written.  Eventually Stonesnake’s horse broke a leg and had to be killed so he got left behind to try to make it back to the Fist on foot.  He’s also presumed about to be dead.

  So here they are, sitting round a fire waiting for the wildlings to come.  Qhorin makes Jon say the Night’s Watch vows with him.  He then commands Jon to yield and join up with the wildlings.  He tells Jon to do whatever they ask to prove his loyalty.  He instructs him to bide his time and watch.  Find out what they’re up to.  He says “if the Wall should ever fall, all the fires will go out.”  Nice and ominous.

  They backtrack in hopes of tricking the wildlings and hide in a gorgeous sounding waterfall that’s nestled in some cliffs.  Jon starts to have some hope that this will work and he won’t have to deal with the wildlings.  Sadly, when they emerge in the morning the eagle drone is perched on the rocks waiting for them.  They stay in the crack (teehee) to wait and make a stand.  Ghost included.

  Eventually, 14 wildlings approach.  They are led by a creepy guy Qhorin calls Rattleshirt.  He and his horse are armored in bones.  Both animal and human.  I’m not really sure how this would work, but whatever.  It’s cool and scary so it doesn’t really matter.  The two of them are old enemies so they have some typical action movie style witty banter.  Also, one of the wildlings produces Ebben’s decapitated head.

  Then Jon and Qhorin finally put their plan into action.  Qhorin pretends to be pissed off that Jon is yielding and calls him a coward.  Rattleshirt thins he is a craven and wants to just kill him but Ygritte is there and insists he’s worth taking.  So Rattleshirt agrees to take him.  If he’ll kill Qhorin Halfhand.  Qhorin is such a good fighter that he almost wins.  Even when he is fighting half assed.  Ghost has to step in and help out by biting him in the calf.  At last Jon manages to cut Qhorin’s throat and kill him.  It is then that poor naïve Jon finally realizes that Qhorin knew all along that Jon would have to kill him.

 

Bran VII

  Finally!  We know for sure that Bran is alive.  Yay!  It turns out that he and the crew doubled back to Winterfell and have been hiding in the crypts this whole time.  Bran has been taking refuge in his wolf dreams and each time it is getting harder to bring him back.  Because of the warging, Bran knows what went down in Winterfell.  This last time he was gone inside Summer for three whole days.  Jojen and Meera are growing concerned.  They inform that eating as a wolf will not do anything to feed the boy.  He’ll starve if he keeps staying in Summer for so long.

  Because of what Bran saw, they decide it’s finally time to venture upstairs again.  They leave with Meera stealing Lord Rickard’s sword.  The door is blocked by debris so Hodor has to push through.  Almost immediately Summer and Shaggydog find them.  They forage for food and fin a bunch of corpses.  Including Poxy Tym.  At first Bran assumes the Ironborn did it but Osha points out that they are amongst the corpses.  Including Black Lorren.

  They go to the godswood and there they find maester Luwin injured and dying.  Ack!  I hate this part.  It always kills me.  He’s still able to talk a little bit and he reveals that he had suspected all along that the miller’s boys weren’t really Bran and Rickon.  He tells them what happened at Winterfell and councils the group to split up so the two princes aren’t together.  He asks Osha to put him out of his misery.  😦

  Afterwards they decide that Osha will take Rickon and Bran will go with Hodor, Jojen and Meera.  After Osha and Rickon depart, Bran asks if they will go to Greywater Watch.  But Jojen declares that they have to go north.

 

  That concludes A Clash of Kings.  Next week we start A Storm of Swords.

 

Deaths in this recap: 5.  Luwin (sob!), Black Lorren, Poxy Tym, Ebben and Qhorin (double sob)!

Cumulative deaths: 85.  This is a lot of deaths for two books.  Especially considering these are just the named characters.

Maybe deaths in this recap:  2. Squire Dalbridge and Stonesnake.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  8

Betrayals in this recap:  1.  Instead of gratitude from Tywin, Tyrion gets demoted and put in a shitty little cell.

Cumulative betrayals: 19

Incest incidents: 0  It’s been awhile.

Cumulative incests: 25

 

TreebeardBran

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Jon VII, Tyrion XII, Catelyn VII

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet

A quick note:  Since GRRM is forgoing writing a script for season 5 of the TV show to finish TWOW, I’m really hoping that by the time I recap the entirety of the first 5 books, TWOW will be out.  I know.  I’m a sweet summer child.

Jon VII

  Jon, Qhorin, Squire Dalbridge and Ebben are sneaking through the Skirling Pass.  Jon has one of his many heart to heart with a series of mentors so he can someday be a great leader with Qhorin.  Did that sentence make any kind of sense?  I don’t know because wine.  They talk about Mance Rayder who was a Black Brother before deserting to live among the wildlings.  Mance was born as a wildling and captured by the NW as a kid.  Qhorin explains that the wildlings are no better or worse than anyone but they have no discipline because they do not like to defer to any leadership.  I WONDER IF THIS INFORMATION WILL BECOME RELEVANT LATER? 

  The heartfeltiness of the heartfelt talk prompts Jon to confess that he let Ygritte go.  Qhorin is not surprised and he doesn’t really think they necessarily needed her dead.  He was just testing Jon to see what kind of man he is.  So crafty!

  Now it’s time for bed, and with it some weird dreams.  At first Jon has a wolf dream starring ghost.  Then a weirwood tree that sounds and looks like Bran calls out to him.  The tree smells like death but WeirBran tells JonGhost not to be afraid and to open his third eye.  The tree touches Jon and gives him a vision.  The vision is of Mance’s camp.  It is huge.  Not only does it have pretty much all the wildlings, they have mammoths.  Mammoths!  Wow!

  Then an eagle attacks JonGhost and Jon wakes up screaming.  Ebben is mad so Jon has to describe his dream.  The rest of the party seems to realize that Jon is a warg and the eagle attack was a wildling skinchanger.  Ghost is missing and Jon is very worried that the he is hurt or dead.  The fear gets worse after they see an eagle watching them walk.  They eventually found Ghost very hurt but able to walk.  Qhorin decides they must flee. 

  When they get to the spot where they encountered Ygritte and her friends Squire Dalbridge offers to stay behind to shoot arrows at the approaching wildlings and, Jon realizes, to sacrifice his life.

  The next day they hear the wildlings horn in the distance and no they are screwed.

Tyrion XII

  Varys has some news for Tyrion.  News from the north.  Uh oh.  The news is that Bran and Rickon have been killed.  Really GRRM?  That’s how you’re going to deliver the news?  A piece of parchment delivered by the spider?  Troll.

  Cersei isn’t sad at the news when Tyrion tells her.  Obviously.  Because she’s awful (and kind of awesome).  She is a little defensive about it though.  She is pissed that people might blame her for it.  That’s her only worry though.

  Cersei and Tyrion have dinner.  Their dinner is a swan.  A fucking swan.  Why?  She’s in a bad mood because of the Starks, Littlefinger being MIA and Tyrion sending his hill tribesman away because they aren’t disciplined enough to be soldiers.

  Tyrion has to convince Cersei that she needs to allow Joffrey to participate in the fast approaching battle.  It would be the worst PR if he doesn’t.  Sadly, Cersei is a bit of a helicopter parent (GRRM is apparently good at predicting trends) and he really has to work hard to convince her.

  Then Cersei springs one of her very special Cersei surprises on him.  She doesn’t like that Tyrion thinks with the “worm between his legs” so she’s captured his whore.  Tyrion is quite upset!  Cersei is ranting about how he wants Joff dead so he can rule through Tommen.  Cersei says that she will kill her terribly if any harm comes to Joff or Tommen.  This could be really horrifying and sad for Tyrion (that’s all that matters is Tyrion’s feels, right?) but unfortunately for Cersei, she took the wrong whore!  Sad trombone for Cersei.

  Cersei has mistakenly taken Alayaya.  Tyrion declares that whatever happens to her will happen to Tommen too.  Then he tells Cersei that he’ll get her one day and make sure her joy turns to ashes in her mouth.  I’m sure that will never backfire on him at all.  Right?

  When Tyrion gets back to his bedchamber, Shae is there.  Funny!  Varys led her through some secret tunnel to his bedchamber.  She was made to wear a hood so she couldn’t see.  Tyrion, try as he might can’t figure out where the passage is.  This isn’t important information either.  Shhh.

Catelyn VII

  Catelyn and Brienne are eating a morose dinner by themselves while outside the smallfolk are loudly singing and drinking to Edmure’s military victories.  Sadly, Cat has learned the news of Bran and Rickon’s deaths.  This is the point in which her chapters get depressing and contain lines like “I am a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.”

  Because the dinner is so awkward, she finally tells Brienne about what happened.  We get more details than in the previous chapter and they are gruesome.  Theon mounted their heads on the walls of Winterfell after capturing them at the mill.  What an asshole.  I wonder if he’ll get his comeuppance? 😀

  Catelyn wishes death on Theon, Cersei, Jaime and even Tyrion.  Foreshadowing?  We’ll just have to see.

  She tells Brienne that she sent Jaime a shit ton of wine in hopes of getting him wasted and talking.  It worked on Cleos Frey before so why not?  They arrange to meet at midnight to go interrogate him.

  Catelyn passes the time until then by going up to Hoster’s room and angsting at him.  He probably doesn’t understand what she’s saying.

  Finally midnight comes.  When she gets to the dungeon she finds that Jaime has not taken the bait and drunk the wine.  He is still a hot mess though.  The light hurts his eyes because he’s been in the dark like one of the crawlers from The Descent.  There’s shit all over the place, his clothes are soiled and his beard his ungroomed.  Catelyn still notices that he’s pretty hot and after watching seasons 2 and 3 of the TV show, I must concur.

  The two of them make a deal to answer each others questions truthfully.  First, he admits to being Joffrey’s father.  No big shock there.

  Jaime wants to know if his family still lives and when he finds out that Stafford is the only one dead thus far he gives zero fucks.

  Now the kicker.  Catelyn asks him what happened to Bran.  She wonders if he’ll be able to even answer but he has no shame at all and matter of factly tells her that he did in face defenestrate him.  He does however, deny sending the catspaw.  Hmm….

  All this time Jaime has finally been drinking the wine and by now he is quite drunk.  He tells Cat the terrible tale of how Rickard and Brandon Stark died.  Rickard was cooked inside his own armor by Aerys.  Ouch!  Brandon was tied up with a cord around his neck and his sword just out of reach.  He ended up strangling himself.

  This is all told as Jaime’s defense against the kingslaying.  We begin to get an understanding of why he did it and he becomes a character that is no longer a one dimensional villain.  This is one of my favorite parts of the books and I can’t even snark right now even though I’m a bit drunk.

  Anyway, Cat is fairly unmoved because she knows that Jaime did not slay Aerys to avenge the Starks. Also, Jaime starts mocking the fact that Ned had a bastard an we all know that’s a sore subject with Cat.  Finally she calls for Brienne and asks for her sword.

  Whaaa…..?

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Bran and Rickon.  Nooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cumulative deaths: 63

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  Cersei kidnaps who she thinks is Tyrion’s whore

Cumulative betrayals: 16

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

Creepers Abound

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon IV, Jon VI, Sansa IV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio because when it’s 82 degrees and humid at 10:30 PM and you don’t have an air conditioner; red wine is not the way to go.

 

Theon IV

  Some noise or instinct has awaken Douchelord Prince Theon in the night.   Kyra, one of the barmaids in Winter’s Town is asleep beside him because they totally did it earlier.  Of course, Theon seems more turned on by the fact that he had sex with a commoner in Ned’s bed than he is by Kyra.  Because he’s the worst.

  Slowly it dawns on Theon that it’s the quite that has woken him up.  The direwolves had been constantly howling since he took Winterfell.  Now that noise is gone.  He has someone named Urzen go check on the wolves and his main servant Wex check on Bran and Rickon.

  Of course the wolves and boys have escaped.  Good for them!   Theon is pissed.  Not just because his hostages are missing.  He’s upset because he thinks he’s treated the people of Winterfell so well and it’s just so unfair of them to be upset about the takeover.  Jesus H Christ Theon.  I know you come from a long line of assholes and don’t know how to think like a normal person, but still, shut up!

  It is discovered that the escape happened out of the hunter’s gate.  The two guards, Squint and Drennan have been brutally slain.  Drennan is a rapist so, I’ve got to admit I’m glad to see that.  Clearly, the boys didn’t get out of Winterfell alone.  They were killed before they even had time to alert the other guards.  Later it is revealed that the Reeds, Osha and Hodor are missing too.  No horses are missing so Theon is confident that Bran and co. will soon be found.

  Theon takes his butthurt out on the Winterfell smallfolk.  He whines some more about how good he had been to them.  What is wrong with this moron?  Reek, Ramsay Snow’s captured servant wants Theon to retaliate for this grave injustice by flaying everyone.  I guess he was influenced by his servitude to House Bolton.  They used to flay their enemies until the Starks put an end to it about a thousand years ago.  Luckily Theon is able to find some shred of decency and vetoes the plan.

  Dawn approaches so Theon forms a hunting party and makes Maester Luwin and Farlen the kennelmaster join it.  One of the mini Walder Freys wants to go too.  They follow the trail through the forest for a long time.  Maester Luwin takes the opportunity to try and convince Theon to show mercy when they are inevitably captured.  Theon starts thinking about how much easier it would be to hold Winterfell if he could’ve married one of the Stark girls, particularly Sansa because she is pretty.  Ew.  Poor Sansa attracts every creeper in Westeros.

  Finally, the party comes upon a river.  In the muddy banks are paw prints from Summer and Shaggy.  But there are no human footprints.  They’ve only been following the wolves for who knows how long.  Haha!  Still, Theon thinks the humans must be somewhat near.  The party splits up.  No luck.  Neither wolves or Stark boys are found.

  When dusk falls it is time to give up.  But, wait no, Reek wants to save the day.  He has a feeling the boys are at a nearby mill.  Theon thinks that Reek’s lips look like two worms fucking which is just hilarious.  Reek has a wolf’s head pin in a sack and in my semi drunk state I’m not sure why that means that Bran and Rickon are hiding at the mill.  But Theon is certain of it and he goes to get them.  Uh oh.

 

Jon VI

  Qhorin, Jon and the rest of their party are in the frostfangs.  They can see up in the Skirling pass that some wildings are there because they have lit a fire.  Qhorin decides two men must climb the mountain in the dark to sneak up on the wildlings and kill them before they can sound a horn to warn any other wildling parties.  An excellent climber named Stonesnake and Jon both volunteer.

  The climb is cold and scary.  It doesn’t translate well in recap form but trust me, it was very tense!  Finally, they get just above where the wildlings are camped.  There are three of them.  One of the wildlings is sleeping so Stonesnake and Jon divide the two remaining ones between them.  They each kill their wildling.  Aww, Jon has his first kill.  He’s a real man now!

  Then, the sleeping wildling starts fighting Jon.  Jon gets the better of the wildling and is about to slice his throat when he realizes that he is … wait for it… a she!  Stonesnake wants Jon to kill her but he can’t do it. 

  He decides to take this wildling, her name is Ygritte, captive.  She repays his mercy by telling him that Snow is an evil name.  She wants them to burn the wildling corpses.  Stonesnake won’t do it though.  He throws their bodies off the cliff instead.  Soon they hear shadowcats devouring the bodies.  Jon tries to interrogate Ygritte but she won’t tell him anything except a legend about a wildling named Bael the Bard kidnapping the daughter and only child of a Stark and making a baby with her so that all Starks, according to wildling legend are part wildling. 

  In the morning, Qhorin finds them.  He’s pissed off that Jon took a hostage instead of killing all the wildlings as planned.  He tells Jon to do what needs to be done with her and leaves them alone.  He still can’t kill her and lets her escape. I’m sure that won’t have any consequences whatsoever.

Sansa IV

  Dontos and Sansa are meeting in the godswood.  The air is thick with smoke because Stannis’ men have been burning the kingswood and Tyrion is burning everything outside of the city walls so that things will be too inhospitable for a siege.

  Sansa is getting a bit cranky because Dontos is not making good on his promise to help her escape.  He tells her that the time still isn’t right.  The city is too heavily guarded.   Neither Stannis himself or his naval forces have arrived yet.  So everyone is waiting and afraid.  Before Sansa and Dontos part, he wants a kiss from her.  She kisses him but luckily only on the cheek.  Ew.  Just, ew.  Does no one but me get intensely creeped out reading Sansa chapters?  An adult man acts inappropriately towards her in pretty much every one.  I’m glad I don’t have a teenage daughter.  I don’t think I can handle it considering how overprotective and anxious I am of a fictional teenaged girl.

  When Sansa is crossing the bridge across the moat to get back to Maegor’s Holdfast she is accosted by the Hound.  Oh great, more creepers.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME GRRM!?  Seriously.  Why all the molesters?  Things like this must be in her mind at all times

 

  Anyways, Sansa is too nice and tries to convince the Hound that she doesn’t find him scary, but he sees through it and feels the tell her so while gripping onto her.  Sigh.  She still tries to thank him for being brave and saving her during the riot.  He just scoffs and tells her that it’s no big deal because he likes to kill people and her father probably did too.  Oh, Sandor.   He tells her that knights are only there to kill and that she should go away because he’s sick of looking at her. 

  Sansa flees and goes to bed.  She has a PTSD dream about the riot.  In the dream she’s being beaten bloody by a bunch of people and then stabbed in the belly.  When she wakes up, she finds she’s gotten her first period.  Are you there God?  It’s me, Sansa.

  This part is just ridiculous to me.  In the span of a few hours she bleeds so much that her nightgown, bedclothes and mattress are all completely soiled.  Are you kidding me GRRM?  I’m here to tell all you male readers, we don’t actually bleed that much.  The average amount of blood lost during menstruation is 1/8th of a cup (IIRC).  That’s during the entire period.  Not per hour or anything.

  Anyway, Sansa freaks out.  That is understandable because now she is eligible to marry Joffrey and nobody wants that.  She tries to burn all the evidence.  Not a great idea.  The fire draws a maid who summons others to stop her from burning everything.  Of course, she’s all blood covered as they pull her away from the fire.  Geez!  How much do men think we bleed?  A period would send us to the hospital for blood transfusions if it was as bad as men think it is.

  Of course, this means that Cersei finds out about the flowering.  Sansa is forced to go eat breakfast with her.  Cersei, ever kind and gentle just can’t wait to tell her that giving birth is even worse.  She also informs her that although she will likely love Joffrey’s brat kids, love is a poison that will kill you.

  As Tobias Funke says, now that’s an act break!

Deaths in this recap:  2. Squint and Drennan.  Didn’t know you, don’t care.

Cumulative deaths: 61

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 15

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

 

There’s a shadow baby in my soup!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion IX, Davos II, Jon V

Booze in my flagon:  Orange vodka/soda

 

Tyrion IX

  It is time for Myrcella to be sent to Dorne to ensure the alliance with the Martells.  It is made into a big lavish production.  The obese High Septon blesses Myrcella who is being sent with a kingsquard, Arys Oakheart.   The smallfolk are out in droves to watch the whole thing and Tyrion can sense their hatred.

  Myrcella never cries as she is sailing away but Tommen does.  So of course, Joffrey just has to be a dick about it.  Sansa tries to stand up for Tommen but Joffrey threatens to kill her.  Nice.

  As he watches the fleet sail away, Tyrion reflects on how he trusts Varys too much.  Yeah, that’s probably not a great idea.  We also learn that Littlefinger has been gone for a suspiciously long time.  Many people think he’s dead but Tyrion figures he isn’t.  It seems like he’s probably up to no good.  Just a thought.

  When it’s time to leave, the royal family and their people must navigate their horses through a crush of people.  All the peasants, who are starving because no food is coming into the city are staring at them with resentment.  When they are halfway back to the Red Keep a woman runs out in front of the column.  She’s carrying the corpse of a dead baby.  Part of me wants to go look up some of those tasteless dead baby jokes people used to tell in middle school, but I won’t.  I don’t need to because the most amazing thing happens next.

  After Cersei tells the woman that there’s nothing more anyone can do for the baby, the woman flips right the fuck out.  She calls Cersei a “Kingslayer’s whore” and “Brotherfucker!”  Beautiful.  Then someone in the crowd throws dung and it hits Joffrey in the face.  Beautifullest.

  Joffrey freaks out and promises 100 golden dragons to whoever gives him up.  He wants to behead the culprit and sends the Hound into the crowd.  This is starting to cause a mosh pit like atmosphere.  Tyrion advises they get out but Joffrey is stupid and is still insisting on finding the poo flinger.  Now the crowd is calling Joffrey “bastard” and “monster” and Tyrion “freak” and “halfman.”  They’re also demanding bread and cheering for the other king claimants.

  Chaos ensues.  Kingsguard member Aron Santagar is pulled off his horse and killed.  They got back inside and Lord Gyles reports seeing the High Septon pulled off his litter and killed.  Sansa, the Hound, Preston Greenfield of the kingsguard, Lollys Stokeworth and Tyrek Lannister, Tyrions teen cousin are all missing.  In a rage, Tyrion slaps Joffrey.  It’s glorious.  Of course, Joffrey is a complete piece of shit and doesn’t learn any lesson.  Tyrion orders KG members Boros Blount and Mandon Moore to go look for Sansa and Boros isn’t pleased about it.  They are close to coming to blows, but then, The Hound returns carrying Sansa.  She is bleeding from a gash on her forehead and very traumatized, but physically more or less OK.  Rioting and fires take place in the city for the rest of the night.  Later, Preston Greenfield’s body was found and Lollys was sadly gang raped but still alive.  Tyrek Lannister remains missing.

 

Davos II

  Team Stannis are camped outside of Storm’s End.  Ser Cortnay Penrose, its garrison will not give up Storm’s End or Robert’s bastard Edric Storm.  Stannis has gotten tired and haggard looking.  Like something drained the life from him.  Melisandre is by him constantly.  Creepy.  Stannis’ bannermen want to take up Penrose’s offer of single combat to settle things. 

  Davos and Stannis shoot the shit talking about treacherous his formerly Renly supporting bannermen are.  They talk about how Davos keeps his amputated fingers in a pouch around his neck to remind him where he came from.  Predictably, Stannis emos about how everyone likes Robert and Renly better.  He tells Davos that he dreamed of Renly’s death at the time it happened.  It gives Davos the heebie-jeebies.

  Later at dinner, Davos advises Stannis to abandon Storm’s End and strike for King’s Landing.  Stannis nixes that plan.  He knows that no one loves him and he needs people to fear him to keep his people in line.  He informs Davos that Melisandre has seen Penrose’s death in the flames.  It will occur within the day.  Once again Davos is well and good heebie-jeebied.  He wants Davos to secretly land a boat beneath the castle that night.  He is to take Mel with him.

  While going into the drainage tunnels Davos and Melisandre discuss the nature of good and evil.  Davos believes in shades of grey.  Mel believes in only good and evil but thinks that everything done in the service of R’hllor is inherently good.  There’s a lot of talk of rotten onions.  Once beneath the walls of Storm’s End Mel takes off her cloak to reveal … a giant ass pregnant belly!  She gives birth to the same Stannis looking shadow creature that killed Renly.  The shadow slips between the bars and enters Storm’s End.

George Michael: ..then Uncle Tobias showed us these really rough pictures that proved that she was really Aunt Lindsay’s daughter. I just feel like I can’t be around her or Aunt Lindsay. They were really rough… pictures.Michael: No, I remember their birth announcement like it was yesterday.[image] “There’s A Girl in My Soup! Announcing Our Daughter: Maeby Fünke.
Development Arrested - 3x13
GUYS I spent far too long photoshopping this to look like the original.

 

Jon V

  In the middle of the night Qhorin Halfhand and company finally arrive to the fist to meet up with Mormont and company.  Qhorin is the mostest fiercest warrior the Night’s Watch has.  Qhorin knows who Jon is right away because he has the Stark look.  They were late getting to the Fist because they were attacked by wildlings.

  Qhorin has found out why Mance and all the wildlings are in the Frostfangs.  He’s a power that will take the Wall down.  He and Mormont decide to send scouts back into the mountains to find out what’s going on.  Qhorin will lead them.  Mormont will keep the bulk of the NW.  Qhorin is allowed to choose what men he wants to take.  He chooses Jon Snow.

Deaths in this recap:  3.  The High Septon, Aron Santagar, and Preston Greenfield in the riots.

Cumulative deaths: 54

Maybe deaths in this recap:  1.  Tyrek Lannister, missing.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 13

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

The first (men) fisting

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Sansa III, Catelyn IV, Jon IV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Noir

 

Sansa III

  The Hound has come to fetch Sansa and bring her to a meeting with Joffrey.  That always goes well.  Sansa’s dress is getting tight across her chest because she’s getting boobies.  The Hound tells her Robb has done something to piss Joffrey off.  When they get to Joffrey he has a crossbow and there’s a dying cat with a crossbow in it lying on the ground.  Somehow I managed to block that part out the first three times I read it.  Now it’s burned in my brain and I am not at all pleased.

  Robb’s treason was staging a sneak attack on Ser Stafford Lannister, Tywin’s brother and killing him along with thousands of Lannister men.  Joffrey via that lickspittle Lancel claimed that Robb attacked with an army of wargs and they all feasted on the flesh of the Lannister soldiers.  I’m pretty sure that’s bullshit though.  Joffrey says he wants to kill Sansa but his mommy won’t let him so he’ll only punish her.

  He has Ser Boros Blount beat her.  But not in the face because Joffrey likes her pretty.  Ugh.  Not enough nopes in the realm for this.  The Hound implores Joffrey to put a stop to it but obviously that doesn’t work.  Of course, it gets even worse as Boros rips her damn dress off.

  Luckily the proceedings are interrupted by Tyrion.  He tells Joffrey off, threatens to have Boros killed if he won’t shut his stupid mouth, and most humiliating of all, he threatens to send for Joffrey’s mommy.

  Tyrion has Sansa escorted back to the tower of the hand with him so she can be a little safer.  She realizes she’s been placed in Arya’s old bedchamber.  He informs her that not only Stafford Lannister, but several Westerland lords have been killed or captured.  That’s why Joffrey was throwing his Beiberesque tantrum.  He promises to put an end to the betrothal between she and Joffrey.

  Sansa wants to get back to her old bedchamber so she can get out and find Dontos in the godswood.  She lies and tell Tyrion that being in the tower of the hand would give her nightmares.  This works.  Suck it Sansa haters.  She isn’t stupid at all!

 

Catelyn IV

   Catelyn goes to a sept in a little village to pray and angst and guilt.  While praying to the Mother she feels a bit of empathy with Cersei of all people.  She realizes that she might kill to protect her own children.  Hmm.  Foreshadowing?

  She heads back to Renly’s camp and enters his tent.  Brienne is helping to prepare him for battle and Lords Rowan and Tarly are there to talk strategy.  They are confident Renly will win because he outnumbers Stannis’ men but they also know he will never yield.  Catelyn wants a word with Renly so he sends the lords away.

  She tells Renly she suspects the incest story is true and Bran caught them in flagrante delicto and that’s why he was defenestrated.  She wants Renly to join with Stannis and Robb and set aside their crowns to convene a great council and expose the incest to the realm.  This is actually a great idea, but we all this is going to get shot down because it would interfere with the Baratheon egos.  Nice try Cat.

  Catelyn is starting to beg when some spooky breezes and shadows enter the tent.  She notices that the shadow is moving independently of Renly and doesn’t belong to him.  It also gets cold in the tent.  There’s a very Ghost Adventures vibe.

Of course, Zak and the others shit their pants every time a draft goes through the creaky old buildings they “investigate” so I don’t think they could deal with what’s coming.

  The shadow takes its shadow sword and straight up slits Renly in the throat.  Brienne goes to catch him and he dies in her arms.  Brienne screamed which attracted the attention of his guards Robar Royce and Emmon Cuy who come rushing in.  They accuse Brienne of murdering Renly.  Cat tries to stop them and explain but they don’t listen and rush Brienne.  Luckily, Brienne is a BAMF and she manages to fight off and kill an unnamed guardsmen and knock over Cuy.  Cat finally convinces Robar that Brienne is innocent and he lets them escape.

  Catelyn believes the shadow was Stannis.  Brienne is on board with theory and vows to kill him.  They sneak out in the chaos with the rest of the northerners.  She realizes that all or most of Renly’s men belong to Stannis now and she remembers Stannis’ threat that Robb’s day will come as well.

 

Jon IV

  The Night’s Watch arrives at the Fist of the First Men.  It’s a big hill in the middle of the forest.  I always picture something similar to the Devil’s Tower in Wyoming.  Ghost refuses to climb to the top of the fist.  Apparently, Jon has not watched many horror movies or he would know you should always trust canine instincts.  They make camp and plan to wait there for Qhorin Halfhand, a really good fighter/ranger from the Shadow Tower to the west of Castle Black.

  The Fist was a fort of the First Men during the Dawn Age thousands of years ago and their are henges or cairns or something placed all around.  Thoren Smallwood notes that it is an old place and Mormont’s raven agrees and echoes the word old which is always kind of ominous.

  Jon goes back down the hill to fid Ghost and he appears right away.  He still won’t let Jon take him back up.  Hint, hint Jon!  Could it be any clearer?  He does get creeped out but tells himself to put on his big boy panties and ignore those instincts in favor of manly stoicism.

  Later Jon prepares spiced wine for Mormont and his advisors and listens to their strategies.  They do not want to go in the freezing cold Frostfang mountains and figure that Mance and the wildlings will be driven down by the inhospitable weather and will thus be seen by the NW.  The NW are going to be in a holding pattern for a while.

  After Mormont goes to bed, Jon goes out to the cookfire to get supper.  Dywen who is the cook is uneasy too.  He smells a cold smell and doesn’t like it.  The others are laughing Dywen off, but Jon smells it too and it reminds him of the smell the night the wights attacked at Castle Black.

  Later that night, Ghost finally goes up to the camp, but only to get Jon to follow him elsewhere.  Ghost leads him down the hill and partially around the base of the fist.  Ghost finds a mound and starts digging.  He has dug up a cache of weapons, knives, arrowheads and spearheads wrapped in an old NW cloak.  The weapons are made of obsidian AKA dragonglass.  There is also an ancient and janky warhorn made of auroch horn and bronze.  Very spooky and mysterious.  See Jon, trust the canine instincts.  Always.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor dumb Renly.  He never knew what hit him.

Cumulative deaths: 46

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

Deliverance: North of the wall style.

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Jon III, Theon II, Tyrion VI

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Holy shit.  It’s been a while.  Sorry to all my vast hordes of readers :/

 

Jon III

  Jon is getting blown.  By rain lashing across his face as he rides alongside LC Mormont through the haunted forest.  It’s been raining for six days.  The NW rangers are wet, muddy, and I assume very stinky.  On the bus, whenever it’s raining and cool the combination of coats and rain always make it stink like cool ranch Doritos and mildew.  That’s how I imagine these guys smell.

  They are on their way to Craster’s keep.  Craster has a reputation for being a “kinslayer, liar, raper, and craven” who traffics with slavers and demons and worse.  But he’s a friend to the Watch and always helps them out, so they turn a blind eye.  Craster is also the Warren Jeffs of ASOIAF universe.  He has a whole harem of wives and they’re also his daughters.  Ew.

  Mormont commands Jon to ride up and down the column and warn all the NW members to keep their hand’s off the sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Why, oh, why can’t that go without saying?

  Like any good perverted rural psycho, Craster has a home that is ramshackle and filthy.  There’s even a gate with animal skulls on poles.  A ram on one side, a bear with bits of flesh on the other.  He couldn’t just have a garden gnome?

  Dolorous Edd is tending the horses.  He thinks the muddy hills surrounding Craster’s keep look like they’re made of Craster’s shit. Edd’s the best.  He’s like a combination of Daria and George Carlin.  Edd tells Jon that Mormont wants him to join all the big wigs inside the keep.  The hall is leaky and muddy and smells of dung, so maybe Edd had a point? 

  Craster is in the midst of telling Mormont and the other senior rangers that he has not seen Benjen.  Will we ever find uncle Stark?  Mormont offers to allow Craster and his wives south of the Wall, but Craster will have none of it.  Even hearing the tale of Rykker and Flowers becoming wights doesn’t sway him.  Craster only says that he is a godly man.  What gods protect from the wights and the Others?  It’s all incredibly creepy.

  Craster does offer to share what info he has on Mance Rayder.  If the NW gives him some wine and an.  Finally, Craster does something I can understand!  He then sees Jon and somehow notices that he looks like a Stark.  He’s pretty contemptuous upon finding out that he’s a bastard.  According to Craster you should marry every woman you bed.  I guess this makes him a dream man for the rom-com fans.

  Later Jon is outside.  He sees Ghost menacing one of Craster’s sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Well, not so much menacing as stealing Craster’s rabbits.  She’s pregnant and some of the other NW men take this as a signal that she should be harassed and teased.  One of them is Chett, he of the face boils.  The girl runs away.

  The next morning, Jon wakes up to find that same girl.  She is wrapped up in Sam’s cloak.  She wants Jon to take her away with them when they go.  It seems Sam gave her the impression that that was a possibility.  She introduces herself as Gilly.  She wants to escape for the safety of her baby.  She thinks she’s going to have a boy and Craster always gives the boy babies to the gods whenever the “white cold” comes.  Jon inquires about gods she means.  She says “The cold gods, the ones in the night.  The white shadows.”  So very creepy.

                                   I’m from MN.  I had to do it.

Jon had to inform Gilly again that it was a no go.  He doesn’t have a choice, but feels guilty and mad at Sam for getting her hopes up.

  After breakfast, Jon confronts Mormont about what he’s figured about Craster’s nighttime activities.  To nobody’s surprise, Mormont already knows.  Mormont is a pragmatic sort and he tells Jon that Craster has provided so much aid to the NW that there’s no choice but to turn a blind eye.  After that life lesson about realpolitik is dispensed, he also informs Jon that Mance is gathering the wildings at the Frostfangs, a mountain range. That is why the villages have all been empty.  We leave the chapter on the brutal realization that the NW is a shell of its former self and the wildlings far outnumber them.

 

Theon II

  Theon is looking at his new ship and sees a woman approaching him.  He’s kind of the Beavis and Butthead of Westeros so of course he’s pretty pleased about this.  He hits on her very aggressively and creepily.  She tells him that she’s married and pregs and gives him some snark.  Of course, this just turns him on more because he’s one of those guys.  She tells him that her name is Esgred and she knows he’s Theon Greyjoy.  After much bantering, including talk of naming the ship the Sea Bitch, Theon invites Esgred back to Pyke with him.  She agrees.  He fetches his squire, a mute named Wex from a local inn and get on their way.

  Theon and Esgred share a horse because they aren’t all that common on the Iron Islands.  Theon is a gross creeper and he keeps trying to fondle Esgred.  If Theon were in our society, he’d be that guy who sends dick pics to random women on OK Cupid.  He also spends much of the ride bragging about how he is Balon’s heir and what a great man he is. 

  When they get to Pyke, the stablemen came out to greet them.  He addressed Esgred as Asha.  Asha is Theon’s older sister.  That’s right.  Theon was hitting on his sister this who time and she didn’t bother to tell him.  Oh, George.  You and your incest.  It’s been 10 years.  She used to have pimples and no boobs.  Now she has boobs and no pimples.  Apparently, since Theon only tells women apart by boob size and shape he couldn’t recognize her.  When he asks why she let him make an ass of himself, Asha says that she wanted to see who he really was.

  Theon goes to his room and sulks for awhile and blames his fuckery on Asha being an evil bitch.  Then he heads down to dinner.  Most of Balon’s allies are there.  None of them have any fucks to give about Theon’s presence.  Once seated, Theon orders wine from the servants while Asha orders ale.  This emasculates poor Theon further.  Then Asha brings out her axe, smashes it into the table and declares it her lord husband.  She does that to mock Theon and everyone in the hall joins in the mockery.  Asha is a grade A troll really.  She points out that he is not trusted because he spent so much time on the green lands with the Starks.  And their laws don’t apply.  Theon isn’t necessarily the heir just because he is Balon’s only living son.

  After dinner, Balon convenes a meeting.  He tells Theon to take a mere 8 longships and harry the Stony Shore.  That’s a shitty rural coastal area in the north.  He will be accompanied by Aeron the boring religious uncle and Dagmar Cleftjaw who’s actually sort of cool (by Ironborn standards).  This is a huge dis and will bring Theon no glory.  Asha gets 30 ships and is commanded to take Deepwood Motte, the castle belonging to Lord Glover.  Victarion, Balon’s brother gets the best job of all.  Taking Moat Cailin on the neck between the north and south.  Theon is thoroughly humiliated.

 

Tyrion VI

  Tyrion goes to visit Cersei in her chambers.  Lancel is there and he seems to be all pissy about Tyrion’s arrival.  Tyrion wants to speak with his sister privately.  She sends Lancel away.  Lancel gives Tyrion a dirty look.

  Tyrion tells Cersei that he has received news about Stannis sailing from Dragonstone.  Cersei immediately starts panicking.  Tyrion laughs at her.  Because the news is good.  Stannis is riding out to lay siege to Storm’s End.  He’s fighting Renly, not the Lannisters.  Thus Cersei’s mood changes to elation.  She thinks they might be even stupider than Robert.  The mirth is so great that they’re even buddy buddy for a minute.  Tyrion is confident that they will not reach any sort of peace agreement.  They decided to toast ironically to Stannis.  Tyrion pours the wine and slips her a powdered drug.  Remember his visit to Pycelle?

  It turns out the drug was a laxative.  Cersei is too busy having dia to come to court the next day.  Best poisoning ever!  The first person Tyrion call on at court is Ser Cleo Frey, the guy Robb sent with peace terms earlier.  He tells Cleos that he will not accept the term and that the only term Joffrey will accept is Robb’s complete surrender and the release of Jaime.  Cleos has to leave again with nothing but Ned’s bones and threats of Tywin’s imminent asskicking of Robb.  Tyrion sends Cleos away with all the Lannister guard.  This shocks much of the court, particularly Pycelle.

  The next man to speak is Alliser Thorne of the NW.  Tyrion is shocked to see him.  Alliser tells the story of the wights, but he is met only with skepticism.  Unfortunately, the dead black hand had rotted while Alliser was rotting in the cells and he has no proof.  He is sent back almost empty handed.  Tyrion’s snarky ass gives him spades to bury the dead with so they don’t come back.  He does offer up the city’s criminals for service on the wall.  Alliser takes no guff from imps so he calls Tyrion a fool.  It does no good.  Alliser is sent off humiliated.

  After court, Littlefinger expresses his ire at Tyrion for having been lied to about the Myrcella’s marriage prospects.  Bad enemy to make Ty Ty!  After that talk he tells Varys that sending away Cersei’s guards was a ruse to infiltrate Riverrun and save Jaime.

   Later that night, Tyrion and Shagga bust down Pycelle’s door.  He was in there with a whore.  Maesters are supposed to be celibate.  Oops!  I guess we should be grateful it was a consenting adult?  You see, Pycelle is in trouble for spilling the beans to Cersei.  Tyrion has Shagga cut off Pycelle’s super dignified Nostradamus beard and throw him in the cells.  But not before Pycelle reveals that it was he, out of Lannister loyalty that talked Aerys into opening the gates of King’s Landing during Robert’s rebellion.  This was supposed to be a comfort to Tyrion but it just makes him think Pycelle is super shady.  Tyrion accuses Pycelle of poisoning Jon Arryn.  Pycelle, of course denies it.  The chapter ends with poor shifty Pycelle getting dragged away to the black cells.

Deaths in this recap:  0.  That’s 6 chapters in a row with no deaths! George, I am disappoint.

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 20.  This one really upped the incest ante!  There’s Theon hitting on Asha.  Then there’s Craster’s 19 sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Yikes! 

Cumulative incests: 26

Top of the fedora to you

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon I, Daenerys I, Jon II

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Theon I

  Theon is sailing home to Pyke on the Iron Islands.  Pyke is all cold and grim and yucky.  Theon has been passing the journey to Pyke by having sex with the captain’s daughter.  He keeps telling her about crappy the Iron Islands are, but she wants to go with him anyway.  I don’t know why.  Theon is lamenting the old ways before Aegon’s conquest changed everything.  The Iron Born apparently used to be fearsome pirates who had slave labor to do their bidding.  Now they’re just an out of the redneck part of Westeros.  Boo hoo,  Theon doesn’t want the captain’s daughter who doesn’t even get a name to come with him.  He does however, tell her that she might have a king’s bastard in her.

  A king?  What?

  Once Theon gets to Pyke, he is aggrieved to find that nobody at port recognizes him or cares that he has arrived.  He is about to hire a horse and a guide to take him to Pyke.  He’s interrupted by a dirty hippie looking priest.  It’s his uncle Aeron Damphair.  Aeron wants to know if Theon is now a worshipper of the old gods that the Stark’s keep.  That’s not good enough for Aeron who rebaptizes him for the Drowned God by pouring sea water on him and having him incant “what is dead may never die.”  Theon wants to know why his father Balon is preparing for war, but much to his chagrin Aeron is keeping mum.  Then it gets even worse.  Aeron suggests that Theon might be replaced as Balon’s heir with his sister Asha.  The Iron Island’s are even more macho and misogynistic than the rest of Westeros so this news is particularly unwelcome.  The fact that Theon has been at Winterfell for a decade has made everyone suspicious that Theon has become a wussy Stark Greenlander.

  They get to the great keep where Aeron leaves him.  Theon finds that his father is waiting at the Sea Tower instead of there to greet him.  First he is escorted to his chambers which are cold, damp and gross. Theon dresses up in his fanciest outfit to impress daddy.  Sadly, it fails to impress.  Balon is cold and mean.  He dislikes Theon’s gold chain necklace because it was bought (acquired by the gold price) rather than stolen off of a slain enemy(the iron price).  Yes,  His father is disappointed to not raise a thieving thug.  So unhealthy.  I’d say they should go on Dr. Phil, but I think he’s a sexual harasser so they’d probably just egg each other on.

  Balon is also pissed off that Theon has become friends with Robb and is carrying messages from him.  Balon doesn’t want to be given a crown.  He wants to take it.  He wants to it by taking over the north.  Dum, dum, duh!

 

Daenerys I

  Dany decides to steer her party in the direction the comet is going.  It’s the safest way to go into a desert area called the Red Waste.  It’s about the only place she won’t be set upon by a khalasar.  The desert is a horrible place to march.  First horses start dying and then people do.  Everybody is starving and thirsty.  Dany fears her dragons will starve because they won’t eat, but eventually she figures out that they like cooked meat.

  Dany names her dragons.  The green on Rhaegal for her brother.  The cream on Viserion for her other, more psychotic brother.  The black one Drogon for her husband.

  Our first named fatality happens when Doreah gets sick and dies.  For any readers who only watch the show and haven’t read the books, this is probably the first big deviation the show takes by keeping her alive.

  Finally they find a deserted city.  They find a bunch of figs there.  It doesn’t seem like much, but to them it’s pretty much a feast.  After that they find more fruit and a well of clean water,

  While they are resting, Jorah dons his fedora and establishes his Nice Guy street cred by telling Dany the tale of his wife.  Her name is Lynesse of house Hightower.  The Hightowers are one of the wealthiest families.  Jorah won her over by winning a tourney, she agreed to marry him.  Lynnesse was disappointed to learn that the Mormonts live on a desolate island and don’t possess a lot of wealth.  She was dissatisfied and that is how Jorah came to sell slaves.  He wanted to keep her in nice clothes and jewelry.  After Jorah was exiled, she left him for another man who had lots of money.  After telling Dany this story, he reveals that she looks like Lynesse.  Now we know why he so into following her.  Blech.   Dany realizes that Jorah is warm for her form.  She’s not attracted to him though.

  The next day Dany sends her bloodriders out to look for an inhabited city.  Aggo and Rakharo found nothing.  Jhogo returned from a city called Qarth.  He brought with three creepy ass citizens.  Pyat Pree, Quaithe and Xaro Xhoan Daxos.  More on them later.

 

Jon II

  The Night’s Watch gets to a wildling village called Whitetree.  It houses a gigantic weirwood tree.  The village is deserted like every other wildling settlement.  Not only are the people gone, the game are gone as well.  That’s super spooky.  Everyone knows that when animals are scare, humans should be scared too.  Apparently the NW don’t know the rules of horror movies though.  LC Mormont vows to find out whatever is going on.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor Doreah.

Cumulative deaths: 38

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

 

 

How not to keep a hostage

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Arya II, Jon I, Catelyn I

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

This might be a short post because I’ve been sick and I don’t know if I’m up for five whole chapters.  We’ll see.

 

Arya II

  The Night’s Watch recruits keeps moving north along the king’s road.  All the other travelers they see are going south.  That can’t be a good sign.  One woman even tells them that they are fools and will be killed.  Eventually they start seeing a shit ton of fresh graves.  They stop at an inn.  Arya doesn’t dare take a bath and reveal her peenless state even though she is super stanky.  The innkeeper tells Yoren that it’s a bad idea to go north.  The fields are burnt, the villages are destroyed and it isn’t safe.

  I know this blog is meant to be on the lighthearted snarky side, but I’d like to say that I really appreciate that GRRM does not shy away from how terrible war is.  Usually stories focus on the glories and defeats of the higher ups.  That’s also true in the media depictions of real life wars.  Rarely does anyone talk about how devastating war is for the little people.  It usually gets glossed over in fantasy.  The realistic portrayal of how horrific war actually is, is one of the major reasons why I love this series.

  Arya listens to gossip about the various factions.  Also there are a pack of (literal not Stark) wolves roaming around the Riverlands eating all the livestock and not fearing men. There are hundreds of them.  The implication is that these wolves are led by Nymeria.  One man alleges that Nymeria went into a village and stole a baby.  Arya gets pissed about this and protests.  Yoren makes her leave.

  Outside, the cage of three manacled creepers start calling out to her.  The hot one with the red and white striped hair merely wants beer and a bath.  The noseless one acts creepy and the one with filed teeth hisses at her.  The hottie disavows them as not his chosen companions.  His name is Jaqen H’ghar of the free city of Lorath.  He says the noseless creeper is named Rorge and the hisser is named Biter.  Rorge threatens to sodomize Arya with a stick because he’s such an awesome person.  Briter tries to attack and she pops him between the eyes!

  Gendry interrupts them and makes her get away from the cage o evil mutants.  Of course, Arya being Arya gets all defensive and wants to fight him.  Then they see the gold cloaks of the city watch coming up the road.  Arya has them duck down behind a hedge.  She tells him they are after her.

  The officer wants the boy and Yoren is refusing.  The gold cloak says he will take their boy by force, but he only has five back up soldiers and all the NW recruits step up to protect their fellow recruits.  Even Hot Pie.  Arya jumps up to join the defense and so does Gendry.  Then it is revealed that Gendry is the one they are after.  The GC realize they’re outnumbered and ride back to King’s Landing.

  Yoren knows they’ll return in greater numbers so he urges everyone to get ready to flee.  Arya and Gendry are suspicious of each other because they don’t realize why the other one would be sought after.  Actually, poor dumb Gendry doesn’t even know why he’s wanted.

 

Jon I

  Jon wakes up Sam who’s been studying in the NW library.  He was sent to find maps of beyond the Wall.  They discuss the ranging they have to on.  Sam is pants pissing scared and Jon tries to comfort him, but he’s scared too.

  Jon reflects on the news that Robb is now a king.  He tries to pretend he’s not jelly, but he is.  Jon goes to see Mormont and the new first ranger (by his own estimation) Thoren (named after the dwarf in The Hobbit?) Smallwood is there.  He is trying to convince LC Mormont that the LC’s place is at Castle Black not a ranging.  Mormont doesn’t give any craps and informs Thoren that he isn’t the boss and opinion doesn’t matter.  Mormont says that Benjen is still first ranger until he’s proven dead.  Mormont tells Jon the story of how Aemon was offered the crown and refused to take it.  Take that how you will.

  Mormont’s raven keeps saying “king” and Jon thinks it means Mormont is meant to be crowned a king.  Oh, Jon.  You silly!  Mormont points out that both Jon and Aemon have a king for a brother in common,  Hm.  He calls Jon out on wanting to have the same prestige as Robb, but Jon vows to keep his oath.

 

Catelyn I

  Hoster’s blacksmith has just finished Robb’s crown.  It’s bronze and iron with no gems and frippery.  Robb is brought acaptive.  It’s Cleos Frey.  He’s on team Lannister because his mother Genna is Tywin’s sister.  They want him to carry a message to Cersei declaring their peace terms.  Robb makes Cleos swear to return and he will be sending an escort to make sure he keeps that vow.

  Robb’s terms are that he will release the Lannister boys but keep Jaime hostage.  Cersei will release Arya (ha!) and Sansa and Tywin has to release his hostages.  Robb also demands northern independence.  Lord Karstark is lurking in the back and stalks out all pissed off.  Robb knows some of his bannermen won’t like any truce arrangement.

  Cat points out that Cersei won’t agree to a hostage trade unless it included Jaime.  Robb knows he can’t give him up even though emotionally speaking he and Cat both want Sansa and Arya back.  They’re only girls after all.  Blech.

  Robb wants Cat to go to the Twins to pick out his wife, but she doesn’t want to.  He is also planning on sending Theon back home to the Iron Islands to negotiate with his father Balon.  She points out that Theon is a hostage and sending him would be effectively releasing him.  Robb trust Theon however.  Dumbass.

  Catelyn and Blackfish are talking war things.  Blackfish says that Amory Lorch who murdered Rhaenys Targaryen is now afoot along with Gregor Clegane.  Also, Tywin as hired the Bloody Mummers, some sociopathic mercenaries led by Vargo Hoat.  They need help.  Catelyn decides she must go negotiate with Renly.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  I’m not sure I mentioned it, but Praed the NW recruit dies on the road.

Cumulative deaths: 37

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Fire! Fire! Heh, heh, cool

Book I am reading: AGOT the conclusion!

Chapters: Jon X, Catelyn XI, Daenerys X

Booze in my flagon:  Vodka and diet Sunkist (better than it sounds)

 

Jon X

  Jon decides to run away from home.  Sam is begging him not to go because he’s worried that he’ll end up like Mark Paul Gosselar in that 1990’s TV movie about teen runaways.  Or get beheaded by the NW.  But Jon is determined to go join Robb and avenge Ned.  Jon gets pretty far, past Mole’s town where the underground brothel is.  Eventually though he realizes Ghost is no longer keeping up with his horse.  He calls for Ghost and waits a half hour for him to return.

  After awhile, Jon hears the sounds of horses coming from the north.  It’s Grenn, Pyp, Toad, and Halder.  Jon tries to hide but Ghost bounds up to them and gives him away.  Jon refuses to go back with them, but they surround him and chant the NW vow at him.  He surrenders and makes plans to leave at some other time.

  The next morning, LC Mormont lets Jon know he knows about the desertation attempt.  Aemon apparently got super perception powers to compensate for his blindness and warned Mormont he would try it.  Maybe not super perception.  Maybe it’s just that emo guys think they’re far more mysterious than they really are.  Mormont has also worked out that Jon wants to run away at some other time.  He points out that Jon is being really self centered.  He isn’t that amazing of a warrior and Mormont’s own sister Maege is probably marching off to war with Robb. 

  Finally, Mormont points out that the war against Mance Rayder and his wilding army and the Others is more important.  Jon and Ghost are needed to go on a hug ranging beyond the Wall to look for Benjen and all the missing rangers.  Jon decides to get his shit together and he promises not to run off again.

 

Catelyn XI

  Catelyn, Robb, et al have reached Riverrun.  Cat’s younger brother Edmure and a Tully bannerman who helped capture Jaime named Tytos Blackwood are there to greet them.  Cat is told that her father Hoster is bedridden and dying.  She is pissed that nobody told her what was going on, but Hoster wanted it kept secret that he was ill so the Tullys didn’t look too weak.

  Cat and Edmure go to visit Hoster in his bedchamber.  He looks very frail and ill.  She tells him that they freed Riverrun and captured Jaime.  He wants to see Robb for the first time since he was a baby, but he’s less thrilled about seeing Blackfish.  Blackfish still refuses to marry and there is tension between the two.  Oh, Hoster.  Blackfish doesn’t want a wife.  He was born this way.  You can’t change it.  First though, he wants to nap.

  Cat goes down to the godswood where Robb is brooding.  Just like daddy used to.  He’s praying with the other lords (and Maege Mormont) who keep the old gods.  When Robb is done he shares with her the new that Renly has made a claim for the IT.

  Later, they convene a war council.  They argue over whether to support Stannis, Renly or to kill Joffrey and let Tommen, who isn’t evil succeed him.  Catelyn wants to offer peace terms.  However, all the dudebros would rather have vengeance.  They declare that they will never call a Lannister their king.  Greatjon Umber stands up and bellows that he will only bow to one king.  Robb.  The King in the North.  He wants the north to be independent again.  The other lords agree.  They chant “the King in the North!”

  And don’t you forget it!

 

Daenerys X

  Dany is having a pyre built.  She intends to burn Mirri Maz Duur.  Mirri calls her an ignorant ho for trying to mess with bloodmagic.  She isn’t trying to hear that and she has Jhogo whip her.  Dany’s future bloodriders are piling all of Drogo’s possessions on the pyre.

  Jorah is also trying to stop her.  Dany only cares that he had the gall to call her princess.  Now that Viserys is dead, she’s his motherfucking queen!  She tells him not to worry about her burning.  She knows what she’s doing.

  Dany gathers all the people that are left.  She tells the slaves that they are free to leave or to follow her.  She tries to get Jhogo, Aggo and Rakharo to become bloodriders but they don’t want a girl for a boss.  She names Jorah her queensguard and he gives her an oath of fealty.

  To get ready for the funeral pyre Dany takes a scalding bath.  I don’t know why because the fire is going to burn off anything germy on her body anyway.  Her handmaidens dress her.  Once again she has crotch perfume dabbed on her.  Again I ask, is this an actual thing or does GRRM have some sort of fetish for scented labia?  Anyways, she takes it upon herself to dress Drogo up and braid his hair.

  Finally it is time.  Drogo is carried to the pyre.  Dany also puts the dragons eggs on the pyre.  Jorah is against it of course.  Dany doesn’t care, of course.  Lastly, Mirri is put on the pyre and covered in oil.  Mirri says she will not scream.

  As they are about to light the pyre, Jhogo spots a red comet in the sky.  Dany interprets it at as a strong sign.  They light the fire.  Mirri sings and then starts to scream.  It reaches Drogo and then the pyre gets so hot everyone else is driven back.  Dany however “stands her ground.”  Like George Zimmerman?

  Dany is overtaken with the urge to step into the fire.  Her clothes are burning, but she somehow isn’t.  She stays in the fire until it dies off.  She isn’t burned at all.  Her dragon eggs have hatched.  There is a cream/gold dragon and a green/bronze dragon at each breast and a black/red one around her shoulders.

  Everybody is freaking out, but in a good way.  Everyone who stuck around is now a loyal follower of the mother of dragons.

Beavis would certainly follow her!

A Game of Thrones ends with the sound of dragons crying for the first time in hundreds of years.

 

At last!  This book took awhile to recap and I’m pretty sure it’s the shortest one.  I look forward to starting A Clash of Kings in a few days, or maybe tomorrow if I feel like drinking and blogging while I’m home sick with a cold.  It only gets crazier from here.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Mirri Maz Durr.

Cumulative deaths: 35.  35 characters died in a single book.  Wow!  This is probably the tames of the 5 so I can only imagine how big this number will get.

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1. Jon nearly violates his oath

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Crouching Tyrion, hidden dragon(s)

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Tyrion VII, Sansa V, Eddard XV, Catelyn IX, Jon IX

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Tyrion VII

  Tyrion and his stank ass clan people plus Bronn ride up to Tywin Lannister’s camp.  We get two full pages about how gross and uncivilized the hill folk are.  Then we get a couple of page describing the vastness of the Lannister camp, which is set up at the crossroads.  The place where Tyrion was taken by Cat.  Masha, the innkeeper has been hung for no good reason and crows are eating her decaying corpse.  This is when we first hear the joke about Tywin shitting gold.

  Tywin does not seem to give any gold flecked shits that Tyrion hasn’t been killed.  Tywin is very cold and intimidating and is making  Tyrion nervous.  Tywin can’t wait to point out that golden (handed) child Jaime would have never been captured by a woman and they are going to war for the honor of the house.  Not Tyrion’s welfare.  Father of the year folks!

  So far the war effort has been going well for the Lannisters and Tywin isn’t very worried about Robb because he’s a green boy.  Tyrion learns that Robb is dead and Ned is a hostage.  Tywin wants Tyrion to get rid of Beric Dondarrion, Thoros and their men who are still fighting against the Lannister foraging parties.  Tyrion starts asking for armor for his hill folk to wear when Shagga bursts in and disarms the Lannister guard.  His stink is riper and stronger than the cheese they are eating.  Stop trying to make me cut back on dairy GRRM.

  Tyrion introduces the hill folk to Tywin and Tywin’s lackey/brother Kevan.  They are interrupted again to be told that the Stark army is approaching.  Tywin manipulates the hill folk into agreeing to be on the frontline and tae Tyrion with them.

 

Sansa V

  Sansa has been given freedom of the castle.  It means she can move around, but she has guards following her at all times.  She is attending Joffrey’s first court session.  A lot of the usuals are mysteriously absent and those that are there keep their distance from her.

  Pycelle reads off a giaganamous list of lords and ladies that are commanded to come give fealty.  it’s all the people in rebellion.  He then names Tywin the new Hand.  Cersei is named the next regent.  That’ll go well.  For turning on Ned, Janos Slynt is given the title of Lord and given Harrenhal in place of Cat’s relative and Tully bannerwoman Shella Whent who has yielded.  It’s never explained where Lady Whent went and it kind of drives me crazy.

  Then, Barristan Selmy is called forward.  Cersei fires him because he’s old and failed to keep either Robert, or Aerys before him safe.  Jaime is to be the new Lord Commander.  Selmy is super pissed that a kingslayer is taking his post.  He tosses his cloak and armor to the floor and rejects the offer of a keep to retire in.  He tells them all he could cut them if he wanted, but he won’t, he’ll just let Stannis take the throne.  Instead he tosses his sword on the ground and melodramatically storms off.

  Somebody needs to fill the KG back up to seven.  That somebody is Sandor Clegane even though he isn’t a knight.

she doesn't even go here mean girls gif

  Now it is time for people to bring their business to the king.  Sansa speaks up to ask for mercy for Ned.  Sansa blames the treason on Ned being crunk on milk of the poopy (typo and it stays).  In an obvious dog and pony show Joffrey, Cersei, Varys, Pycelle and Littlefinger all agree that Ned should get mercy if he confesses.

 

Eddard XV

  Ned has been in a urine soaked dungeon cell.  Ned is finally starting to get real with himself and realizing he has been naïve and trusting.  He’s mad at everyone, but most of all himself.  Yeah.  Me too.  Well, I’m not angry Ned, just disappointed.  After being left alone with no food or water for a long time, Ned is finally woken by a gaoler who offers him a jug of water.  He is delirious and dreams about his sister Lyanna and the time Rhaegar Targaryen crowned her queen of love and beauty after winning the tourney at Harrenhal.

  Finally, Varys disguised as a gaoler comes to offer Ned wine and a chat.  He informs Ned that Arya has escaped and nobody can find her and that Sansa is being watched by Cersei.  He also informs her that Tyrion is free.

  Ned asks if Varys will free him.  He says no, it wouldn’t suit him.  He desires peace and freeing Ned wouldn’t accomplish that.  He tells him that Robb is marching and Cersei has more use for a tame wolf than a dead one.  He urges Ned to confess to treason to save Sansa’s life and serve the realm.

 

Catelyn IX

  Catelyn, Robb and his host are marching from the neck towards the Twins.  The Twins are held by lord Walder Frey.  Frey is very old and cranky.  In most stories the prickly, mean old man is revealed to have a heart of gold under all his curmudgeonly exterior.  Not this story.  Frey is supposed to be Hoster Tully’s bannerman, but that doesn’t mean he’ll have Robb and Cat’s back.  They need his approval to cross the bridge over the Trident river.  Theon thinks they could take the Twins if they needed to.  Cat disagrees.  They have no time for a siege because Tywin is too close.

  The Blackfish comes back from a scouting mission to inform them that there’s been fighting at Riverrun and Cat’s brother Edmure has been taken prisoner.  This makes it all the more urgent that they cross the river.  Robb starts to get all impetuous and declares they’ll storm the Twins.  Cat chastises him and tells him they need to find out what Frey wants first.

  Once they get to the Twins, a dozen men led by Walder’s heir Stevron Frey come out to meet them.  After some discussion as to who should go and treat with Walder, Cat volunteers.  She enters the hall of the castle and a bajillion of his kids and grandkids are there.  Walder is on his eighth wife, who is young, so there have been many heirs.  He’s like the Larry King of Westeros.  My pop culture references are not always timely.  Sorry.

  Walder wants to dispense with all pleasantries.  Predictably, he is not receptive to opening up the bridge for nothing.  He doesn’t care about the oaths he swore to her father.  He just wants to complain about how nobody respects him or wants to marry his fugly kids.  If Walder Frey were alive today he’d right at home making angry old white man complaints in the comments section of Fox News or Yahoo.

  Finally they come to an agreement.  Frey will let them pass and offer up his swords.  Two of Frey’s grandsons are to be sent to foster at Winterfell.  Frey’s son Olyvar will serve as Robb’s squire.  Arya will marry his youngest boy Elmar and Robb has to marry a Frey girl of his choosing. All the Freys are pretty weaselly looking, so Robb isn’t too excited about it.  Sadly, he has no choice but to consent.

 

Jon IX

  Jon’s recovering from his wight fight.  His hand is pretty badly burned.  His blisters are as big roaches.  Gross.  Why make that comparison?  Would there even be roaches in such a cold environment?

  Jon and LC Mormont are chatting.  Mormont is pissed that there is a shitty boy king in charge.  Now nobody will take the needs of the NW seriously.  In a touching male bonding moment, Mormont gives Jon his sword Longclaw as a reward for saving his life.  Why the hell not?  Jorah is a loser and a disgrace.  It’s a Valyrian steel sword.  Mormont’s creepy anthropomorphized raven implores him to take it.  The pommel has been changed from a bear to a wolf.

  Jon thinks of the times he used to dream as a boy that he saved Ned’s life and Ned proclaimed him a true Stark and gave him Ice.  Excuse me, there’s a sudden dust storm in here and my eyes are watering.

  Mormont tells Jon that he has sent Alliser Thorne to King’s Landing with Jafer Flower’s hand to show them and convince them that shit is getting real at the Wall and they need more men.  It also has the nice side effect of separating the two of them.

  Jon’s friends want to play with Jon’s new toy.  Of course Jon gets all angsty and has to leave them.  He’s hanging out in his cell with Ghost.  Sam interrupts them to say that Maester Aemon wants to speak with Jon.

  Aemon is all philosophical.  He asks Jon if he knows why the NW vows to take no wives and father no children.  It is so they will not know love.  Love would get in the way of performing their duty to the realm.  It was so they would have no divided loyalties.

  Aemon says it is easy for a man to do his duty when there is no other choice, but it is not so easy when he has to choose between duty and something he wants or loves.  Aemon knows Jon is choosing between his NW duty and his father’s cause.  Because Aemon had to choose several times.  He had to watch from afar the destruction of his house.  He is … dun, dun, dun … Aemon Targaryen.  And he chose his NW duty every time.

 

Deaths in this recap: 0  It’s an uneventful stat roundup today.  Don’t worry.  It’ll get better next time.

Cumulative deaths: 23

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0 

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6