Book I am reading: A Game Of Thrones
Chapters: Arya II, Daenerys III, Bran IV, Eddard V
Booze in my flagon: Pinot noir
Everybody is talking about the tourney. Sansa really wants Ned to let her go but Arya doesn’t have any fucks to give about it. Sansa say she wouldn’t be wanted anyway and Ned tells them to stop fighting. Arya sulks for a little while. She’s still upset about Lady and Myah. She storms off and locks herself in her bedroom.
Arya digs in her trunk until she finds needle. Because a totally normal stress response for a child is to go get a sword. Fat Tom the steward tries to get her out, then Septa Mordane does, but Arya isn’t having it.
Finally, as Arya is considering running away (cue the Soul Asylum song) Ned comes to the door. Ned seems a little concerned that Arya has a real sword. They end up having a heartfelt talk. Arya blames herself for Mycah’s death and Ned assures her she isn’t to blame. They hug and I swear I’m not crying there’s just dust in the air. They both agree that Cersei and Joffrey are assholes. For some reason they don’t include King Robert in the asshole parade. Then Arya reveals that she had to throw rocks at Nymeria to drive her away. NO. NOT CRYING. NOT ME. NOT EVER ME.
Ned tells Arya to remember that winter is coming and the Stark family needs to look out for one another. He says one of my favorite quotes in the series “When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.” I guess I’m just a commie like that.
A few days later, Arya is summoned. A mysterious man tells her he is her new dancing master. Don’t worry, it isn’t an Abby Lee Miller thing. He is a sword fighting instructor from the free city of Braavos. His name his Syrio Forel and he is awesome.
The khalasar is riding through the Dothraki sea, a humongous swath of grasslands. Dany tells Jorah to have everybody stay and wait for her while she goes off alone to explore the grasslands. She reminisces about the beginning of the journey when she’s all sore from riding day in and day out, Drogo ignores all day and spends his evening drinking with his buddies. Then he comes to her tent late at night for some rough sex that she doesn’t enjoy at all. Nice. She has some weird dream about turning into fire and the next day the pain is gone. Riding is better and now the sex is more fun.
Back to the present. Dany is enjoying the scenery and I am reminded of the opening credits of Little House on the Prairie when they’re running down the hill. All of a sudden, Viserys busts in Nellie Olson style in a bitchy mood and ruins the mood. He’s enraged because she halted the khalasar and who is she to order him around? He also doesn’t approve that she’s starting to dress like a dothraki. He calls her a horselord’s slut. What!? Let’s just take a moment to remember that Viserys and Ilyrio were the ones to broker the marriage to Drogo. She didn’t even want to do it. What a toolbox.
Viserys is all up in Dany’s face so she pushes him away. This is the first time she ever defied him and he is uber pissed. He almost had to back up his tough talk, but luckily the Dothraki interrupt and Jhogo grabs Viserys with his whip. That’s just amazing. Viserys is crying and about to get choked right out but Dany calls Jhogo off. For punishment Viserys has his horse taken away and he has to walk with the kids and old people. Embarrassing!
Jorah starts talking trash about how lame Viserys is. Dany thinks of him as the last dragon but Jorah calls him a shadow of a snake. It finally dawns on her that Viserys sucks and he would make a terrible king. Not that it matters because he could never take the throne anyway. That night, Dany finally makes Drogo look at her face while they’re doing it. They did this outside in the middle of the camp.
Non-doggy style sex must have magic fertility powers because she ends up preggers.
Bran is watching Rickon and the wolves playing. He is said because he’s paralyzed and can’t join in. At least he has Old Nan who wants to tell him a story. He likes scary stories so she tells him about the Others. They came during a time thousands of years ago when it was night for a generation. The Others were killing everyone. The Last Hero sought out the Children of the Forest who were still alive and well in Westeros for help. Nan doesn’t get to finish the story because Maester Luwin and Hodor interrupt.
Hodor is a gentle giant with echolalia. His name is really Walder but all he ever says his Hodor so that’s what everybody calls him. Hodor hodored. Luwin informs Bran that he has a visitor. It’s Tyrion.
Hodor carries Bran downstairs. Robb is being gracious to the NW but frosty to Tyrion. Tyrion mocks Robb by saying that Jon is more courteous and more like Ned. Tyrion gives them plans for a special saddle that will allow Bran to ride horses again. Rickon busts in and he has the direwolves with him. The wolves all hate Tyrion. Suspicious! Robb and Bran call their wolves off. Rickon eventually does too. Robb starts to feel like an ass for being rude before.
Later Bran has a nightmare about gargoyles. It’s creepy. When he wakes up, Hodor is looming over him. Hodor takes him down to the great hall where dinner is happening. Yoren informs Bran that Benjen is missing. Because Yoren is super tactful he nonchalantly proclaims that Yoren must be dead. Robb has no self control so he leaps up with his hand on the hilt of his sword and shouts “do you hear me? My uncle is not dead!” Yoren just says “whatever you say m’lord.” and goes back to eating meat, Yoren rules.
Later, Robb tucks Bran into bed and they’re sad together.
Ned is visiting Maester Pycelle. He starts yammering on about summers past like old folk always do. Ned wants to know about Jon Arryn’s final days. He got sick quickly. His last words to Lysa were “the seed is strong.” Pycelle says that he doesn’t think there is anything suspicious about the death and Lysa is just cray. Then Ned asks about the book that Jon had borrowed from Pycelle just before he died. He promises to have it sent.
He leaves and runs into Arya who is practicing balancing on her toes. They talk about Bran. Arya wants to know if Bran will still get to be a knight. Ned has to say no but he can do other things like build castles or become high septon. Arya wants to know if she can do those things. Ned is a patriarchal buzzkill and condemns her to a life of housewifeness.
Later on, Ned gets a visit from Littlefinger. LF gives him the names of some people Ned should interview. He also points out to him some spies of Varys and some spies for Cersei. He tells Ned not to trust anybody, including himself. Of course Ned heeds that advice. Psych! No he doesn’t.
Deaths in this recap: 0
Cumulative deaths: 6
Betrayals in this recap: 0
Cumulative betrayals: 2
Incest incidents: 0
Cumulative incests: 2
All zeroes again. Step it up George!
Book I am reading: A Game Of Thrones
Chapters: Tyrion II, Catelyn III, Sansa I, Eddard III, Bran III
Booze in my flagon: Pinot Grigot
I want to start off by noting that my favorite ’80’s movie Troop Beverley Hills is playing on my TV as I type this. That information is not terribly relevant but it will be the reason why my post could be extra stupid today. Phyllis Neffler 4 life!
Anyways, we join Tyrion as he journeys north along the Kingsroad to the wall. It’s a cold sparsely populated wasteland. Think eastern Montana. At first the party is Tyrion, two Lannister men, Benjen and our favorite bastard Jon Snow. Later, they meet up with Yoren who recruits new NW members. By recruit, I mean he takes on criminals who would rather serve than be castrated or have their hands cut off. Yoren’s recruits are rapers. Not rapists, rapers. What a great word. I keep meaning to use that word in day to day life. GRRMisms are the best.
Tyrion observes Jon’s disappointment at the state of his future brothers. Yoren smells awful and is lice infested. The rapers smell worse. Lovely. Apparently nobody but Jon is dumb enough to sign up for the NW voluntarily these days. Oops.
We now learn that Tyrion has always been into dragons. That could never possibly come up again. The Red Keep in King’s Landing has the skulls of all the Targaryen’s dead dragons. The oldest are the biggest. The last living dragons were puny, only the size of mastiffs. Dragon’s bones are black. It’s strange to imagine and I’m not sure how that’s possible, but hey, fantasy!
Tyrion teases Jon for clinging to the belief that the NW is a noble organization. Is Tyrion dispensing some tough love or he is just being a jerk? You make the call. TYrion thinks it’s absurd that he feels guilty for almost making Jon cry. I think Ty Ty might be a little off. Isn’t it normal to feel guilty about making someone almost cry? They also talk about dragons for a quick minute. Hmm….
After Jon gets upset, Ghost comes out of nowhere and almost rips Tyrion to shreds. I guess the direwolves can be pretty dangerous. More on that later. Jon is nice enough to call Ghost off. Somehow this makes Jon realize that Tyrion is just being honest. Jon decides to just deal with things. Even though Tyrion was being an asshole, it’s probably for the best after all. Now they are friends. This is about as close to heart warming as things ever get in Westeros.
Catelyn is still hanging out by Bran’s bedside all the time. Maester Luwin wants her to attend to the business of Winterfell but Cat’s not trying to hear that. It’s interesting to note here that she thinks of him as a “grey rat.” Another character does this in ADWD. Hmm.
Luckily for Winterfell, Robb mans up and decides to become a true and grown up lord and take care of things. Cue the old pull-ups commercials. I’m a big kid now!
Robb scolds Cat for not giving a crap about him, Rickon or anything else right now. Damn Robb. I thought you were a mama’s boy? Bran’s wolf starts to howl. Cat wants to leave the window closed because the sound is annoying. Robb wants to open the window and let the sound heal Bran or something. Shaggydog and Grey Wind start howling too and Cat starts to have some sort of anxiety attack. Then Robb sees what the commotion is about. There is a FIRE!!!
The library tower is burning. As an avid reader, this hurts me more than I can say. Robb runs off to deal with it and Cat stays to look out the window. She turns around and there is a strange man standing there. Ew. He is a carrying a knife and he remarks that no one was supposed to be there.
The intruder tries to grab Cat and put the knife to her throat. In a moment of pure badassery she grabs the knife and pulls it away. Not giving any fucks that her hand is all cut up now. Werk. They struggle for a few more moments and then in yet another moment of badassery, Bran’s wolf leaps into the window and rips the intruders throat. Good doggy!
Catelyn begins to laugh hysterically. Yikes. That happens again later in less pleasant circumstances. But now she now the direwolves are awesome so that’s good. The lesson from this little episode is that helicopter parents are right. I don’t want to think about that.
Catelyn takes milk of the poppy and sleeps for four (!) days. She wakes up good to go and ready to kick some ass. She has a meeting with Robb, Rodrik Cassel, Theon and captain of the guard Hallis Mollen. We learn that the intruder was not somebody from Winterfell so he most likely stayed and hung around after the royal party left. He is mostly likely a Lannister man. They wonder why anybody could want to murder a kid and conclude that he must know something. They also notice that the knife was super fancy and made out of Valyrian steel and dragonbone. Nothing a smelly poor would have. The case for a Lannister hit grows.
Cat makes them all swear to keep a secret and then reveals that Lysa believes the Lannisters murdered Jon Arryn. Cat voices her suspicion that Bran was thrown from the tower. Robb gets all overly manly and excited and draws his sword for no good reason. Rodrik scolds him by saying “Never draw your sword unless you mean to use it. How many times must I tell you, foolish boy?” Rodrik is awesome and I propose we send him to Florida to tail George Zimmerman.
It is decided that Cat will go down to King’s Landing to seek the truth of Bran’s attempted murder. Rodrik will go with her. They will take a boat and hopefully get there ahead of Ned.
Sansa is excited that she is invited to ride in the wheelhouse with Cersei and Myrcella. She is worried that Arya will be ill mannered and dirty and spoil things. The fear is not without merit. Arya is all dirty and gross and refuses to go ride with them. Arya says “I don’t like the queen.” You and me both honey. Sansa however, is pretty scandalized by this. Sansa gives up all embarrassed and pissed at Arya.
When Sansa gets back to camp she sees that an escort has come from King’s Landing to escort them back. I’m really not sure who’s in charge right now. Littlefinger? Two of the three escorts are pretty glam. The third is really creepy. The Hound sneaks up on Sansa (why?) and creeps her out even more. Lady growls. This causes all the dudes at the camp to laugh at Sansa. Cersei makes Joffrey come to her rescue and tells everyone to shut it.
We learn the identities of the escort. The creeper is Ilyn Payne, the King’s justice. That’s fancy talk for executioner. He doesn’t talk because he mocked mad king Aerys and that got his tongue ripped out. The old dude is Barristan Selmy, Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, one of the best fighters in Westeros. The young dude is Renly Baratheon the young, good looking and cocky youngest brother of King Robert. Sansa saves face and charms by guessing Renly’s identity based on looks and clothes and accessories.
It is decided that Joffrey will take Sansa riding. She’s very excited on account of his dreaminess. Yuck. Joffrey gets Sansa drunk from wine. Like me right now! This scene gives me nostalgia for my first time smoking pot when I was 13 or 14. Me and two friends were too paranoid to do it at one of our homes so we walked a mile or so away to Minnehaha creek and smoked under a bridge. Then we sprayed ourselves down with Malibu Musk.
Anywhoo… Sansa is a bit tipsy and she and Joffrey get to the river Trident. There they see Arya and the butcher’s boy Mycah play sword fighting with wooden sticks. Joffrey is a complete dick and pulls out Lion’s Tooth, his sword. Even after Sansa identifies Arya and Mycah he still menaces poor Mycah. He cuts Mycah on the cheek and Arya is pissed. She tries to fight Joffrey with her stick and then throws a rock at him. Mycah runs away. Nymeria comes out of nowhere and bites Joffrey. Go Nymeria! Joffrey is humiliated and begs for mercy. Arya runs away with Nymeria and Joffrey takes it all out Sansa and won’t talk to her.
Both the Starks and Lannisters have sent search parties after Arya. Luckily it’s the Starks who find her. It’s been four days. Arya is OK but being taken before the queen. The royal party has taken over the Darry keep. Ned and Arya reunite in the hallway in front of everyone. It’s really touching and sad.
It seems that the little shit Joffrey has claimed that Arya and Mycah outright attacked him. This is why everyone hates you Joff. Cersei takes his side. Robert seems annoyed. He probably wants to drink or whore. Arya tells her side of the story. Ned calls Sansa up to testify because he knows her version corroborates Arya’s. However, Sansa gets too scared and claims she can’t remember. *Facepalm*
Arya gets pissed and calls Sansa a liar. Cersei wants Arya punished but Robert isn’t having it. Cersei instead demands that Lady be killed since Nymeria has vanished. Robert agrees to that and ignores Ned’s pleas to save the innocent Lady. Robert acknowledges that Joffrey is probably lying but he can’t be bothered to argue with Cersei. This is why Robert sucks.
Ilyn Payne is about to kill Lady, but Ned insists on doing it himself. Cersei wants the pelt but Ned has the pelt taken back to Winterfell. Good for you Ned. Then Ned sees the Hound riding up with the corpse of Mycah. This chapter is so depressing I’m not really able to make any funnies. Sorry.
I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to recap a coma dream chapter. Here goes.
Bran is falling. A three eyed crow is telling him to fly. The crow also says “Say, got any corn?” For some reason, I think this is really fucked up. Especially since Bran actually has corn in his pocket. What?
Bran almost remembers Jaime but the crow says to set that aside. Then the crow makes Bran looks down.
He sees Winterfell and then he sees Cat and Rodrik on a ship. He sees the after effects of the Lady condemning trial. Three shadows are around them. A hound, the sun armored golden guy and a creepy giant with nothing but darkness and blood underneath his helm. Yikes!
Then Bran sees the Dothraki sea and Asshai where the dragon eggs in Dany’s possession originated. Then in the north he sees Jon cold in his bed at the wall. He looks even further north into the heart of winter. The crow tells Bran he has to live because winter is coming. Finally Bran flies which wakes him up. When Robb comes to visit, Bran informs him that the wolf is named Summer.
Sorry to end on that weird chapter. I’ll be back in a few days with some more fun stuff. We meet eunuchs and dorky wall recruits.
Deaths in this recap: 2 (Lady and Mycah. The guy who tried to kill Bran is never named)
Cumulative deaths: 6
Betrayals in this recap: 2 (Robert doesn’t stop Cersei from killing Lady, Sansa doesn’t back up Arya)
Cumulative betrayals: 2
Incest incidents: 0
Cumulative incests: 2
Book I am reading: A Game Of Thrones
Chapters: Catelyn II, Arya I, Bran II, Tyrion I, Jon II, Daenerys II, Eddard II
Booze in my flagon: Cabernet-sauvignon
Catelyn and Ned have sex and luckily it isn’t described in any detail because for some reason it would be kind of like reading about my own parents do it. Ned wants to turn Robert down for the hand job (ha ha!), but Catelyn tells him he pretty much has to go ahead and take it. She thinks Robert would get suspicious of Ned if he wasn’t willing to serve his massive kingly ego or something like that. She also likes the idea of Sansa becoming queen someday. *Sad trumpet sound.*
Maester Luwin comes to the door with some urgent news. Maesters are the learned men of Westeros. Every noble family worth anything at all has a maester serving them. They act like doctors, advisors, and tutors for the kids.
It seems that a mysterious rider came to Winterfell with a wooden box. The box has a false bottom that conceals a message. I am reminded of the puzzle box in Hellraiser. The message unleashes a sequence of events that is as bad as anything the Cenobites ever do. The note is from Lysa. It says that Jon Arryn was murdered by the Lannisters, more specifically Cersei. Ned, in an unusual moment of character judgment think Lysa is probably just crazy from grief. Catelyn however, trusts her. No she is sure that Ned must go south. Catelyn’s decisions throughout this book are rational given the information she has, but they still kind of make one facepalm. Ned angsts and finally decides he does indeed have to take the hand job.
Maester Luwin asks about what will become of Jon Snow. This is a sore spot of Catelyn’s lets just say. Jon is about the same age as Robb so that means Ned cheated right after they first got married and then had the audacity to bring the bastard back home from the war with him. Ouch. We learn that Ned refuses to answer any questions about Jon. We can only imagine how awkward Ned’s homecoming was. She wants Jon to go south with Ned. Ned thinks that would be cruel because people would mock his bastardy. I’m not entirely sure that’s true because later on Aurane Waters does just fine, but whatever. They almost fight, but Luwin saves the day by mentioning that Jon wants to go to the Night’s Watch. Crisis averted. Ned says something to the effect of “Jon is about to become a man.” Heartwarming.
Arya sucks at needlepoint. Sansa is awesome at it. It’s clear that Arya is the Rhoada and Sansa is the Mary. Sansa is gossiping about dreamy prince Joffrey is with her friends Jeyne Poole and Beth Cassel. Speaking of facepalms… Septa Mordane is not pleased with Arya’s needlework (a septa is like a nun). This makes Arya storm off.
Arya and her direwolf Nymeria join Jon in watching Robb, Bran, Joffrey and Tommen practice fighting swords. We learn that Arya and Jon, the only two siblings to take after the Starks are very close. Also, Arya would much rather learn sword fighting than needlepoint. Can’t blame her there. Bran beats Tommen. Joffrey wants to spar with real swords. Robb doesn’t want to look insufficiently manly so he agrees and they start trash talking each other. The Hound brags to Robb about how he killed a man when he was twelve and fourteen year old Robb feels bad about himself because he never killed anybody. Jon, proxying for the readers thinks Joff is a little shit. Arya goes back to her rooms to find Septa Mordane and her mother waiting. Oh shit!
Bran is feeling antsy because all the men went hunting without him. He is excited and afraid to go to King’s Landing. I guess going to court is the equivalent of going to summer camp for highborn children in Westeros. Bran wants to be a knight when he grows up and they don’t have a lot of knights in the north. He really wants to be a kingsguard someday. We also discover that Robb named his wolf Grey Wind, Sansa’s is Lady and Rickon’s is Shaggydog. Bran can’t decide on a name.
Bran starts climbing up trees so he can get on the roofs and walls of Winterfell. His wolf is displeased and starts howling. Listen to your wolf Bran. It’s established that Bran has always loved to climb even though Cat is afraid he’d fall and hurt himself. This chapter can only end well.
Bran is climbing in the old abandoned part of Winterfell and he hears a man and woman talking in one of the towers. It is Cersei and Jaime talking about they are worried that Ned is going to be the hand and start asking questions like Jon Arryn did. Then the noises of sexy times start happening. Bran finally manages to peep in the window and catches the Lannister twins boning. Ew. Cersei sees Bran and screams. Bran “the things I do for love” and pushes poor little Bran out the window.
Winterfall is gloomy. The direwolves are constantly howling. Bran is in a coma. The Hound is being an asshole and wishing Bran would hurry up and die. Joffrey is being an asshole and wishing that the direwolves would shut up and that the Hound should kill one of the wolves. Joffrey is the worst. Tyrion wants Joffrey to pay his respects to the Stark. Joffrey says he has no fucks to give. Tyrion bitch slaps Joffrey twice. It is glorious. The first real fist pump moment in ASOIAF. Joffrey wants to tell his mommy on Tyrion but Tyrion has no fucks to give either so Joffery can’t do anything but run away because he sucks at life.
Tyrion struts off to impose himself on the breakfast Jaime is having with Cersei and the royal offspring. I truly love and miss Tyrion of old. Tyrion has heard that Bran will probably live. Tommen and Myrcella are happy about that because miraculously they have consciences. Jaime and Cersei look all shifty and Tyrion picks up on that, but doesn’t say anything. Cersei expresses her dislike of the direwolves and is pissed that Nymeria and Lady will be going with them. Oh, good.
Tyrion will be joining Benjen and Jon on the journey to the wall. He will not however, be joining the NW because Tyrion singlehandedly keeps the prostituting business alive in Westeros and the NW have to be celibate. It’s a bit like my contribution to Kraft Cheese’s revenue. Tyrion snarkily expresses his love for the Lannister family and the chapter ends.
Jon goes to visit Bran. Catelyn is there. She has not left Bran’s side since the “accident.” Catelyn is a huge bitch to Jon and doesn’t want Jon to even say goodbye. She tells him to away but Jon is feeling extra manly because he’s about to become a NW brother so he tells her to step off. Jon says a heartfelt goodbye. Catelyn lurks in the background and then starts talking about she feels guilty because she didn’t want Bran to go south. She prayed for him to stay and the gods answered her prayers in the bitchiness way possible. Jon awkwardly tries to comfort her but she just says “it should have been you.” Oh, Catelyn. All you had to do was keep your mouth shut for a couple of minutes and you could have avoided becoming one of the least popular characters. Now your only friend is Skylar White.
Jon goes downstairs and the yard is abuzz with preparations for the trip south. Robb informs Jon that Benjen is looking for him. Jon and Robb hug goodbye and then get uncomfortable because bros don’t hug. Jon sneaks off to Arya’s room and they have a sweet non-awkward hug. Arya has to repack because she was all sloppy before. Jon gives Arya a sword he had Mikken the armorer forge in secret. Jon tells Arya that the first lesson in sword fighting is “stick them with the pointy end.” I’m sure this lesson will never be applied. They somehow both decide at the same time that the sword will be called needle. It’s a super cute moment and it makes me verklempt (sp?). Talk amongst yourselves.
The chapter opens thusly; “Daenerys Targaryen wed Khal Drogo with fear and barbaric splendor…” Wow. Should I ever marry, I hope for barbaric splendor to be a part of the wedding. Viserys wants to get to the conquering of Westeros. Ilyrio breaks to him that Drogo has to take Daenerys to the Dothraki home base of Vaes Dothrak to show her off. I’m sure Viserys will remain on his best behavior through the journey.
The Dothraki wedding ceremonies are “deemed a dull affair” if fewer than three people die. Yikes. All these Dothraki men fight each other to the death to win the opportunity to sex some dancing Dothraki women. It’s graphic. Dany understandably wonders what the hell she married into.
Now it’s time for presents! Ilyrio gives Dany three servant girls but lets Viserys put his name on the card because Viserys is lame and broke. They are two Dothraki named Irri and Jiqui and a Lysene named Doreah. Everyone from Lys has blonde hair and blue eyes for some reason. Ilyrio also gives Dany three huge dragon eggs. The eons have turned them to stone so there is no possible way they will ever hatch, right? Drogo gives her a beautiful silver horse. She takes the horse for a test drive and it charms Drogo.
The wedding is over and it’s time to head to Vaes Dothrak. The procession of Dothraki + Dany, Viserys, and Jorah ride for many hours. Then it’s time for creepy and awkward wedding night sex. They can’t communicate because she doesn’t know Dothraki and he only knows the word “no” in the common tongue. I don’t want to talk about it.
The trip down the king’s road has begun. One morning Robert has Ned woken up in the pre dawn hour for some private time. No, not that kind of private time. They gossip about sexual conquests past. Ned says Jon’s mother is Wylla. Sure it is. Ned shuts down the conversation and Robert mocks his prudery because Ned is now monogamous. Robert on the other hand, is a huge slut.
Robert pulls out a message from Varys. Varys is a eunuch from Essos who serves as master of whisperers. I guess this makes him like the head of the CIA or KGB. Ned doesn’t really trust Varys because he also served Aerys. It turns out Varys is keeping touch with Jorah Mormont to keep tabs on Daenerys in hopes of getting a pardon. Varys relays the news that Dany married Khal Drogo. It should be noted that Dany’s timeline is a bit ahead of the Westeros timeline.
Robert has a huge hate boner for the Targaryens because he blames Rhaegar for Lyannas death. I guess I can’t blame him. Rhaegar did run off with her while she was engaged his Robert. Now Robert wants to have Dany assassinated but Ned is against it because she’s only a 13 year old girl. Robert worries that the Dothraki will cross the narrow sea and come to Westeros. Ned is not worried because the Dothraki are afraid of boat travel.
Ned is also cranky because Robert wants to name Jaime Lannister warden of the east instead of Robert Arryn. Ned doesn’t think they are trustworthy. Robert points out that Jaime is the one who slew Aerys and opened the city gates, thus allowing Robert to win. Ned thinks it was dishonorable. Ned certainly isn’t wrong about the Lannisters being untrustworthy. Still, the self righteous tone Ned takes pisses me off. Aerys killed Ned’s father and brother, you’d think he’d be cool with Jaime’s king slaying. Robert shares my irritation. They never really resolve anything and the chapter ends on (surprise!) some Ned angst.
I’m about out of wine, so this concludes tonight’s recap. Here are the stats:
Deaths in this recap: 0
Cumulative deaths: 4
Betrayals in this recap: 0
Cumulative betrayals: 0
Incest incidents: 1
Cumulative incests: 2
Book I am reading: A Game Of Thrones
Chapters: Prologue, Bran I, Catelyn I, Daenerys I, Eddard I, Jon I
Booze in my flagon: Cabernet-Sauvignon
We open with Gared, first of many grizzled Night’s Watch men we will meet. The NW live at a fort on a huge wall of ice. This wall protects Westeros from all the scary stuff north of it. Like wildings, who are like to Westeros what the Roma are to Europe. They don’t cotton to the feudal laws of Westeros. There may or may not be supernatural creatures north of the wall too. He is nervous because a bunch of wildling were found slaughtered. Our narrator Will is also nervous because he’s still sort of a rookie and if grizzeldy 50 year old Gared is nervous, he should probably be too. However, Gared and Will don’t want to look wussy in front of their new commander Waymar Royce. He a rich entitled young guy who only got the post because his father is a lord from an old family. His dumbass has only been at the NW for half a year so he is the only one who doesn’t notice that something doesn’t feel quite right.
Will reflects that it is “hard to take orders from a man you laughed at in your cups.” Good one Will. Waymar does have a fabulous sable cloak that sounds like something a Carrington would rock. I guess that’s something.
Mormont, the Lord Commander has ordered them to track the wildings. They’re about two miles away from the camp where the body was found and twilight is approaching. Looking for corpses in the dark in a place called the haunted forest always ends well, right?
It’s getting increasingly cold and creepy. Gared thinks something is wrong. Waymar is a dumb shit and dismisses the grizzled wisdom of Gared. Bad idea Waymar.
They get to the camp and all the Wildling bodies have vanished. Will starts to freak out too. Waymar is still being too stupid to notice that bad shit is about to go down. He orders Will to climb a tree and look for the wildlings.
Will sees some Others. It gets really, really cold. One of the Other’s steps forward to confront Waymar. It has bad ass chameleon-like armor, bright blue eyes, and a cool sword that is really sharp and looks like crystal. They fight and Waymar gets his ass kicked while some more Others lurk in the background. The Other mocks Waymar in a voice that sounds like cracking ice. The crystal sword shatters Waymar’s lame steel sword. Waymar dies. The first of many to be killed by GRRM. He doesn’t always kill the good ones, despite his bad rep for being a heart stomper.
Will inspects the abandoned corpse of Waymar. All of a sudden, Waymar rises from the dead. He has the same bright blue eyes as the Others. Dead Waymar chokes Will out. Too bad. He seemed like a cool guy who knows his sable coats and is fun to drink with. RIP Will.
Thus concludes our first chapter of AGOT. It’s off to a good start, but savor this chapter. There will be no more supernatural happenings (besides Bran’s dreams) for a good long while.
Somewhat south of the wall in Westeros proper is Bran Stark. He is seven years old and about to witness his very first execution. That’s a little fucked up. Westeros is weird. We also find out that it has been summer for nine years. The man awaiting execution is none other than Grizzly Gared who has fled in terror from his ranging of doom. Unfortunately, desertation is punishable by death. Ned, patriarch of the Stark family who rules the north will carry out the sentence. The Starks are too cool to use executioners to do the dirty work. Sadly, Ned is also too cool to a lowly Nights Watchmen warning of the impending army of ice monsters and zombies. This establishes a long pattern of Ned not listening people, at his own peril.
Gared’s decapitated head rolls toward Theon Greyjoy. Theon is a giant asshole and he thinks it’s cute to kick the head away. He would have made a great Aztec football player. Theon is a hostage of the Starks because the Greyjoys rebelled. He has a lot of freedom though. He hangs out with Stark heir, Robb a lot. He’s more of a “guestage” in the words of Andrew from Buffy. Bran’s bastard brother Jon is not pleased with Theon. The Greyjoy sigil is a kraken.
When the beheading party is on the way back home, they find a dead direwolf. She has been killed by an antler. This is the first direwolf south of the wall in two hundred years. It turns out she was preg and there are five newborn pups. Ned wants to kill the pups because they’ll just die in the wild anyway. Theon is all gung ho to do it. What an asshole. For some reason, GRRM really doesn’t want us to like the guestage. Luckily Jon is a clever bastard and he convinces Ned that because there are five pups and five trueborn Stark kids, they were meant to be their pets. The Stark sigil is a direwolf.
This means that bastard Jon has to leave himself out of the running for puppy having. What a guy. Not to worry! Jon finds a red eyed albino pup angsting by himself (just like Jon does!) Theon thinks this albino pup will die even sooner. Seriously Theon, stop being such an asshole. Just because nobody loves you, doesn’t mean you get to wish death on baby animals. Jon is once again unimpressed with Theon’s butt munchiness and the chapter ends.
Catelyn is Ned’s wife. She is a Tully from the south and feels out of place in the godswood where the northerners pray to the old gods. They pray to the old gods by sulking in front of a big creepy white weirwood tree with a face carved into it. Can’t say I blame her. Ned is angsting because he always gets the sads when he has to execute somebody. The Tully sigil is a trout.
Catelyn informs Ned that the youngest Stark Rickon, aged three is a little scared of his direwolf pup. Ned says “he must learn to face his fears. He will not be three forever. And winter is coming.” What the fuck Ned? I now the northerners are supposed to be all tough, but what do you expect from a three year old? Somebody doesn’t read enough mommy blogs. It’s a good opportunity to hear the Stark family words though. The Starks are kind of Debbie Downerish in case you haven’t noticed. We also learn that the Stark sword, Ice is Valyrian steel. That means it was made with magic spells. Only the coolest bros carry Valyrian steel swords. It’s only 400 years old but Ice has been around for 8000 years since the age of heroes. We don’t get to find out what happened to Ice the first. One of many Chekov’s guns loose nuking it around Westeros.
After much exposition from GRRM Catelyn finally gets around to telling Ned that Jon Arryn is dead. Arryn was the hand of the king and Ned used to foster with him when he was a teenager so Arryn was like a second father to Ned. The Arryn sigil is a falcon and a moon. It seems that he got sick out of nowhere and croaked really quickly. We learn that Arryn’s wife who is Cat’s sister Lysa and their son Robert hightailed it back to the Eyrie, seat of the Arryns. This information is totally not suspicious at all. 25 pages in and four named characters are already dead, plus the direwolf mom. Damn George. You’re mean.
Now Cat breaks the news that king Robert is coming to visit and he’s bring his lovely family. We’re told that Robert Barratheon, with the aid of the Starks, Tullys and Arryns rebelled and took the Iron Throne from the previous occupant the mad king Aerys Targaryen. Robert also fostered at the Eyrie with Ned and they are BFFs so you’d think Ned would be happy about the royal visit. Ned is never anything but grim though so the chapter ends with Ned saying “Damn his royal hide,” The Baratheon sigil is a stag. Crowned because it is now the royal house.
Daenerys Targaryen (Dany for short because who ever wants to type the full name?) is the daughter of the Mad King Aerys. She and her brother Viserys escaped to Essos with a Targ loyalist named Willem Darry. They lived with him in a house in the free city of Braavos with some stupid lemon tree that Dany always thinks about. After Willem dies they become vagabonds because they weren’t smart enough to nab Willem’s stuff before his servants got to it and now Dany and Viserys are broke.
Dany and Viserys eventually wind up in the manse belonging to magister Ilyrio, a cheese monger. I wish I was a cheese monger. Cheese is delicious. Ilyrio is very fat. I don’t know why that’s important, but GRRM loves to point out when people are fat. GRRM is fat himself, so he gets a free fat shaming pass.
Ilyrio’s manse is in the free city of Pentos. In Essos, the free cities don’t sell slaves but all the rich people keep slaves and it is an open secret. Fuck rich people. They can never just clean their own houses can they?
We learn over the course of the book that their older brother Rhaegar was killed by Robert during the rebellion. The Targs are both hot and weird looking because they have silver hair and purple eyes and they look like this because they inbreed a lot. Just wanted to get that all out of the way now.
Now, on to the good stuff. The moment we’ve all been waiting for has arrived. We get our first incest! The first of many! Dany is bathing and about to put on her pretty purple silk dress to meet her bridegroom Khal Drogo. Viserys is a creepy asshole because of course he is. He wants Dany to look hot for Drogo so he tells her to stand up straight. Then he gropes her naked breasts and gives her a purple nurple. I guess he wanted her nipples to match her eyes? He threatens her by saying “you don’t want to wake the dragon, do you?” The Targ sigil is a three headed dragon. The Targs used to ride dragons around but the dragons all died out. Viserys uses this dragony history to justify his unbelievably abusive behavior.
Important side note; I have been on Full House hate watch kick lately and it is playing in the background. Quite a juxtaposition! Actually, I think the Tanners might be as horrible and selfish as all the worst characters in ASOIAF.
Dany reminisces about her childhood. She is apprehensive about marrying Drogo, a leader of a Mongol horde type culture. She always thought she would marry Viserys to keep the bloodline pure. EWWWWWW!!!!!! Some servants come in to help Dany get ready for the wedding and then this happens; “the old woman anointed her with spiceflower perfume of the Dothraki plains, a dab on each wrist, behind her ears, on the tips of her breasts, and one last one, cool on her lips, down there between her legs.”
What? Is this a thing? Not to be prudish, but I find it hard to imagine somebody putting beef curtain perfume on me. Dany chapters always make me feel like I’ve wandered into a V.C. Andrews novel. I mean that in the best possible way.
Once Dany is ready, Ilyrio and Viserys approve of her hotness, although Viserys thinks she might be too skinny and too young. I can’t with you Viserys. Viserys is cocky in that way that hides insecurity so Ilyrio has to reassure Viserys that Westeros totally wants him to be the king. With the marriage, Viserys will have Drogo’s khalasar to use as an army. Viserys and Dany call Robert the usurper. I don’t blame them, but it’s kind of annoying.
Khal Drogo arrives with his khalasar. They are so formidable that when they roll up on cities the people pay them “gifts” to go away and leave them alone. Drogo is all huge and buff. He has some bloodriders accompanying him. Bloodriders are fierce fighters who will die for their Khal. Also present in the khalasar is Jorah Mormont, estranged son of Jeor Mormont who is LC of the Night’s Watch. The Mormonts are a northern house seated on bear island. They aren’t too fancy and when Jorah married rich society bitch Lynesse Hightower he felt compelled to enter the slave trade to provide her a nice lifestyle. Slavery is a big no no in Westeros and when Jorah got caught he had to leave town. Now Jorah dislikes the Starks because Ned was not having Jorah’s slaving ways. Naturally he and Dany get along because she doesn’t like the Starks either because they are the “Usurpers dogs.”
Holy crap, this recap is taking forever. The chapter is a good read, but there is just so much exposition. Hopefully, I can get through all of the back story in the next couple posts.
Drogo has a super long braid with lots of bells. That means Drogo is a bad ass because the Dothraki cut their braids off in humiliation when they lose. Dany gets scared and doesn’t want to go through with the wedding. Viserys says she has to do it and he’ll let the whole khalasar fuck her if that’s what it takes to get an army. Nice. I hate you Viserys. Dany decides to stand up straight, smile and be brave. Finally this exposition drop chapter is done.
Ned is short for Eddard, but you knew that. This chapter is more exposition. Sorry.
Robert’s party has arrived in Winterfell. Robert’s wife is Cersei nee Lannister. Queen Cersei is fabulous, but evil. She is blonde and green eyed and beautiful. So is her twin brother Jaime. He is nicknamed the kingslayer because he is the one who killed the mad king Aerys. This is scandalous because Jaime is a kingsguard and they are like the secret service of Westeros. Ned doesn’t approve of Jaime even though Jaime’s kingslaying was a big part of why Robert won his coupe. Ned is kind of an uptight prig.
The Lannister’s are totally rich because their dad
invented toaster strudel owns a lot of gold mines. The twins have a younger brother Tyrion. He is a dwarf and he has one green eye and one black eye. People call him the imp and pretty much hate him because this is a bigoted society. Tyrion is very smart and funny so there is hope for him yet.
Cersei and Robert have three kids. Joffrey is a tween. Tommen and Myrcella are elementary school aged. The other notable character is Sandor Clegan aka the Hound. He is big and huge and half his face is all burnt and scarred.
Ned is all shocked because Robert used to be a “maiden’s fantasy.” Yes, he says that. Robert used to be all big and beefity and hunky. Now he’s fat. I don’t know why this is such a shock. Big jocks always run to fat when they quite sports. In this case, sports are war and melees. Robert is still all jovial though!
Robert wants to pay his respects to Ned’s dead sister Lyanna down in the crypts of Winterfell. This makes Ned feel the warm fuzzies, but it makes Cersei feel the cold pricklies. Lyanna used to be engaged to Robert but she died during the rebellion and Robert had to settle for Cersei. More on that later, I’m not in the mood.
They walk through the crypts and get to the tombs of Lyanna, their father Rickard and their brother Brandon. We learn that Cat was supposed to marry Brandon, but that nutjob Aerys strangled him so she had to marry the spare to Winterfell instead. Ned remembers that Lyanna made him promise some unknown thing before she died of a fever. Cryptic! We now know that Ned was with her as she died. Ned’s second bff Howland Reed was there too. Robert wishes he could kill Rhaegar Targaryen again for “what he did to” Lyanna.
Robert tells Ned that Jon Arryn died suddenly and he wanted his son, also Robert to foster at Casterly Rock with Tywin Lannister, his father in law. Lysa wasn’t having it and she goes back to the Eyrie, a mountain fortress. Apparently Robert Arryn is all sickly and wimpy. This is our first hint that something fishy is happening.
After some hemming and hawing Robert finally gets to the point and asks Ned to be his new hand. The hand is like VP, secretary of state and press secretary all in one. It’s not a good job and they tend to die a lot. The colloquialism is “the king eats and the Hand takes the shit.” That phrase is fucking awesome.
Ned doesn’t want the job but he doesn’t feel like he has much of a choice. He accepts the job. He also makes a deal with Robert to betroth his daughter Sansa to the prince Joffrey. Ned, Sansa, Arya and Bran will be traveling to the capital of King’s Landing in the south. This will turn out well.
There is a big banquet in the great hall of Winterfell. For once, Jon is happy to be a bastard because he can just relax with the commoners instead of putting on the ritz for the royal family. You see, Ned returned from the rebellion with his bastard son Jon. Jon was made shortly after Ned and Catelyn were married and conceived Robb so she resents the shit out of him and is afraid he is a threat. Poor Jon is misunderstood though. He is emotastic and angsty but he isn’t a threat to anyone. Yet.
Jon watches the procession of the true born Starks and the Baratheon royals. He just kind of goes over what I’ve already said about the royal family. We haven’t really met the Stark girls yet. Sansa is a pretty 11 year old. She has red hair and blue eyes. She looks like a Tully. She is charming and girly. Arya is a 9 year old. She is tomboyish and looks more like Ned. She has brown hair and gray eyes. She’s smart but doesn’t like sitting still and studying. Benjen Stark, Ned’s younger brother is also at the banquet. He is a ranger for the Night’s Watch. Jon want’s to join the NW. What the fuck else is a bastard with five true born sibs going to do?
Jon gets drunk and throws his chicken on the floor. His direwolf who is named Ghost fights all these regular dogs for it and wins, Benjen comes up to Jon and makes conversation. Jon expresses his desire to join the NW and gets all pissy and loudly declares that he will never father a bastard like himself. The angst is too much to bear so he has to excuse himself and go get some air.
Jon and Ghost go outside and encounter Tyrion Lannister. Tyrion asks Jon if he’s Ned’s bastard and Jon gets all butthurt. Tyrion tells Jon he had better get used to being a bastard because nobody else will forget it and so he might as well take away the talking point. Tyrion knows where Jon’s pain is coming from because “all dwarfs are bastards in their father’s eyes.” Ouch. Westeros is really narrow minded, Tyrion reveals that his mother, Joanna died giving birth to him. This hints that Tywin hates Tyrion and he is a huge asshole. Jon and Tyrion are totally bros now so Jon feels strong enough to go back to the party.
All right, I think I’m done now. Hopefully the next recaps will be more heavy on plot and less on exposition. I’ll probably be back on Thursday night/Friday morning for a very special holiday spanksgiving post. Here are the tallies for the week. A quick note, I am only counting the deaths of named characters because it would be too hard to try and tally the unnamed people. Sorry unnamed people.
Deaths in this recap: 4
Cumulative deaths: 4
Betrayals in this recap: 0
Cumulative betrayals: 0
Incest incidents: 1
Cumulative incests: 1