Book I am reading: A Storm of Swords
Booze in my flagon: Pinot noir
Chapters: Jon XI, Tyrion XI, Sam V
Jon is training Satin in the yard when Melisandre and some of the queen’s men come lurking and looming up behind him. Jon digs redheads, so he starts getting some pants stirrings but her red eyes kind of unsettle him and that tames his boner enough for him to be able to carry on a civilized conversation. Plus, she’s there to tell him that Stannis wants to speak to him and speaking to Stannis is the equivalent of a cold shower. Jon has stank from sweating inside his armor so he wants to change first and they agree to meet atop the Wall.
Jon and Mel take the lift up to the Wall. The Wall is weeping (it has ice melting off it) so either winter isn’t here just yet or Mel’s fire crotch is especially firey today. Jon thinks about how she smells red and is kissed by fire, like Ygritte. I guess the red eyes and creepy religious fanaticism aren’t such a boner killer after all. He asks if she’s cold because all she’s wearing is her usual red robe. She says she’s never cold, only death is cold and puts his hand on her cheek, asking him to feel the Lord’s fire within her. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
Stannis is alone and brooding at the edge of the Wall. Of course he is. Jon observes that Stannis’ eyes look like bottomless blue pools. Huh. Maybe he’s not such a cold shower. Jon just seems to fancy everybody lately. Or maybe I’ve just got a dirty mind. That’s always a possibility. Jon kneels and Stannis tells him to rise.
Stannis tells Jon that he’s heard a lot about him. Jon gets all self deprecating and lists off all the bad things anyone has ever said about him. Stannis asks how much of it is true and Jon is honest with. Stannis said he believes him because he knew both Janos Slynt and Ned Stark and even though he didn’t like Ned, he knows he was honorable and Jon has a similar look. I guess it goes without saying that Janos is total cockwomble and nobody believes anything he has to say.
Stannis keeps trying to compliment Jon on things like finding the dragonglass used to slay the White Walker and holding the Wall until his forces could get there. But Jon is as insecure as Sam would be in a high school locker room today and he keeps deflecting the praise. It’s almost like GRRM is trying to prove that whole axiom about how those who don’t want power are the only ones fit to have it. Hmm…
Stannis asks Jon if any of the wildlings have any honor. He says that Mance does but Rattleshirt does not. He says Tormund would make a good friend and a bad enemy. Har! Then Stannis asks if Jon has honor and courage. Jon wonders if Stannis wants to tell him he loves him. Um…
Okay. What am I, ovulating or something? I really need to get my mind out of the gutter. No promises though!
Anyway, Jon just awkwardly tells him that he’s a man of the Night’s Watch and Stannis says that “words are wind.” A phrase we’ll be hearing a lot more when I get to ADWD. Stannis said that Davos reminded him that instead of trying to win the throne to save the kingdom, he should be trying to save the kingdom to win the throne. He says the north is where he’ll find the foe he was born to fight. Melisandre, the champion lurker finally pipes up to say that his name may not be spoken and the shapes in the snow are his creatures. Stannis wants Jon’s help in this war. He says he needs the north. Jon stammers that Robb was King in the North and Stannis says he would be alive today if he didn’t go gallivanting around the Riverlands and marrying non-Frey girls.
Wrong thing to say, Stanny boy. Jon gets all indignant at that. Although I have to say, Stannis has a point here. Robb is so overrated. Super hot in the TV show, but let’s face it, lots of blunders.
Stannis, not understanding his blunder tells Jon he wants to make him the Lord of Winterfell. As a king, he has the power to debastardize him. Jon tries to pretend he doesn’t want this, but he totally does. He’s dreamed about all his life. Yet he swore his NW vows at a heart tree and he knows that breaking the vows means turning against his father’s gods.
Stannis not only wants to make Jon Lord of Winterfell, he wants to let the wildlings through the Wall in exchange for their loyalty to Stannis. He thinks the living need to work together to beat Sauron, or whatever the dark lord’s name is. He wants to wed the new Lord, Jon Stark to Val. He calls Val a wildling princess. That’s kind of like when white people claim to be descended from a Cherokee princess. For all his good ideas here, he doesn’t get Wildling culture at all. He can only see it from his own culture’s viewpoint. Jon straight up laughs at him and says that he has a lot to learn about wildling women. Stannis says that this marriage alliance is part of the price for making him Lord of Winterfell. Jon wants to think on it.
Tyrion is in his cell getting ready to die. Hope is lost. So you know something is about to happen. He hears the cell door come upon. Surprise! It’s Jaime. This is their first time together since the beginning of the first book. They joke about Jaime’s loss of his hand and Tyrion’s loss of nose. Handless & Noseless, my new indie rock band name.
Tyrion asks Jaime if he’s there to kill him. Jaime says the plan is to behead him on the tourney grounds tomorrow but he’s going to rescue him instead. It turns out that Varys is his accomplice. Varys roofied all the guards so they’d be passed out cold. Jaime says that Varys will take him by ship to the Free Cities and see that he has enough money to live but that he should take an alias because Cersei will probably send men to look for him.
In a rare moment of sincere gratitude, Tyrion thanks him for saving his life. Jaime says he’s paying a debt and well, say it with me
Tyrion is confused. Jaime says that some doors are best left closed, but he wimps out and confesses after very little prodding. It seems that Tysha, Tyrion’s first wife was never really a whore. She was really just a crofter’s daughter and she really actually loved Tyrion. So, she was some poor innocent girl who was gang raped by Lannister soldiers and oh by the way, this story is told to make us pity Tyrion and his sad self image and dating insecurities. Not, you know, Tysha for being gang raped to teach someone else a lesson. Does this count as fridging even though she didn’t die? Am I the only one who wants Tysha to steal one of Dany’s dragons and set fire to all of Westeros in vengeance right now?
Ok. Deep breaths.
Anyway, Tyrion is obviously pretty pissed off. He slaps Jaime and storms off. Well, waddles off. The storming off is a big fail as he hits an iron gate and has to have Jaime open the door. Tyrion asks Jaime if he can fight left handed. Jaime says that no, he’s no Ned Flanders and Tyrion taking the keys says they might be well matched if they meet again. Jaime then asks if he really did kill Joffrey and Tyrion gets even more into a snit. He tells Jaime that Cersei is a lying whore who has been fucking Lancel, Osmund Kettleblack and even Moon Boy for all he knows. He says he did kill Joffrey even though we all know he didn’t.
Jaime walks away and Tyrion goes to find Varys. It’s a day for lurkers, for he too is lurking creepily in the dark. They exchange some shade and then proceed on. Varys leads him through all sorts of secret passage. They eventually go to the dragon skull chamber under the Tower of the Hand. Varys says they can go out to the river from here. But Tyrion wants to make a little stop. He wants to visit the Hand’s bedchamber which Tywin currently occupies.
He climbs for a while and finally emerges in the fireplace of Tywin’s chambers. He hears a woman’s voice call out “M’lord?” Who is it? Why it’s Shay! Turns out that Tywin is a giant hypocrite. Who’d have ever thought? Shae’s naked except for Tywin’s hand of the king necklace. Tyrion says some Nice Guy type of things and strangles her with the necklace. Not quite sure how he did that so easily. I guess because he wept while killing her it’s supposed to be sympathetic or something. Idk.
After that little crime of passion is completed he takes Twyin’s dagger off the bedside table. Then he finds a crossbow that’s hanging on the wall and takes that. He finds Tywin where he knew he’d find him. On the toilet. Does that mean that Tywin suffers from IBS? Twyin acts all casual about Tyrion just appearing in the bathroom with a crossbow. He tells Tyrion to put down the crossbow and Tyrion asks about Tysha. Tywin refers to Tysha as Tyrions first whore. Tyrion said if Tywin says that word again, he’ll kill him. Tywin does not believe him and says he sent Tysha away. Tyrion asks where and Tywin answers “wherever whores go.” That’s another phrase we’ll be hearing waaaay too much in ADWD.
Since Tywin said the magic word, Tyrion shoots him. Right in the gut. As he died, his bowels let loose, proving that Tywin does not actually shit gold.
Stannis is in a bad mood. Melisandre is full of mirth. It’s some sort of meeting with the candidates for Lord Commander. That’s nothing, Stannis. What if these were the candidates you had to talk to?
Sam is just there to help Maester Aemon and feels all awkward.
Janos tries to suck up. Stannis is not having it. He states how displeased he is that a LC has not been chose yet. Janos uses this opportunity and tries to weasel an endorsement out of Stannis. Stannis is not having that either. He tells them all what a corrupt asshole Janos Slynt was as leader of the gold cloaks. Damn it, GRRM. Stop making me love Stannis when we now know what you’re going to do to your awesome daughter! Janos’ jowls quiver. That is the best sentence I’ve written in my entire life. Jowls are funny.
Whatever good will Stannis incurs, he as usual squanders by demanding that the NW give him all the land in the Gift and the abandoned castles. He also says he means to light the Nightfires of the Lord of Light religion in front of all those castles. Mel swoops in to preach R’hllor’s word but the NW men are dubious.
Stannis says they were the ones who summoned him so they best get used him. He dismisses everyone but Mel, Aemon and Sam. This causes Sam to just about shit himself with fear.
Stannis declares that Sam is not very like his father Randyll and then asks all about the White Walker slaying and the Black Gate below the Nightfort. Stannis wants to make the Nightfort his new HQ.
Aemon asks Stannis to take out Lightbringer and has Sam describe it. Sam says it glows. Aemon and Sam are dismissed and Aemon remarks to Sam that he felt no heat from the sword. He has Sam confirm that it looks but does not feel hot. In other words,
Sam asks Maester Aemon if there’s something he could do to keep Janos from winning. Aemon says no because his job is to serve the LC and it wouldn’t be proper. But Sam asks if there’s something he could do. Aemon coyly says “why I don’t know, Samwell. Could you?” Sam is super nervous but knows he has to do what he’s got to do.
He goes to Cotter Pyke first. Pyke anticipates that Sam will be asking him to withdraw and he isn’t into it. Being an Iron Islands bastard, he’s downright hostile. But for once, Sam will not be deterred. He goes to see Denys Mallister. Mallister is much nicer, but still will not agree to drop out. Sam suggests Jon and then in desperation lies and says that if they don’t choose an LC tonight, Stannis will name Cotter Pyke. Denys says he’ll think about it and Sam promptly craps his pants again. But he steals his nerves and goes back to Cotter Pyke to suggest Jon and tell him that Stannis will force Denys on them if they don’t choose an LC tonight. You go, Sam the Slayer!
Deaths in this recap: 2. Tywin and Shae
Cumulative deaths: 149
Maybe deaths in this recap: 0
Cumulative maybe deaths: 13
Betrayals in this recap: 3. All in one chapter! Jaime reveals that he lied about Tysha, Shae is sleeping with Tywin, Tyrion kills his father and his gf all in one night.
Cumulative betrayals: 39
Incest incidents: 0
Cumulative incests: 28