Book I am reading: A Storm of Swords
Booze in my flagon: Insight Brewery Sunken City
Chapters: Sansa IV, Tyrion VIII, Sansa V
Sansa dreams of being home with her family, including Lady. She wakes up thinking about how they are all dead. I guess Sansa doesn’t like emo very much but she doesn’t think of Jon as a living family member at all.
The maids, Shae among them draw her a bath to get ready for the sure to be awkward wedding breakfast for the Lannisters and Tyrells. She thinks about how Shae gives her insolent looks sometimes.
Tyrion comes in wearing rumpled clothes. He starts drinking right away. I won’t deny that I’ve done some day drinking before, but starting before breakfast is pretty hardcore. Sansa judges him aloud for being a hot mess even though she’d been contemplating having a glass of wine to calm her nerves just on the previous page. She must need to ease into the Lannister tradition of being drunk at all times. He does go change into fresh clothes but cannot be dissuaded from the wine.
They go to the breakfast and it’s time for some food porn. The only thing I’ll mention is the Dornish egg, cheese, onion and fiery pepper dish because that sounds delicious.
After the eating is finished, it’s time for the gifts to be presented. First Cersei presents Joff with the cloak he’s to drape around Margaery. Joffrey stays on his best behavior for awhile until he receives Tyrion’s gift, a really nice leatherbound book about four of the Targaryen kings. He tells Tyrion that he hasn’t knocked up Sansa yet because he spends all his time reading and then threatens to rape Sansa after he gets Margaery pregnant to show her how it’s done.
The final gift is from Tywin. It’s the new Valyrian steel sword made from Ned’s sword, Ice. Joffrey names it Widow’s Wail, boasts about being no stranger to Valyrian steel and chops up Tyrion’s book.
Tyrion shades him by saying he should get a matching knife with a dragonbone hilt. This is a description of the knife that Bran’s would be killer had way back in the beginning of the series. He doesn’t seem to get the reference though and of course Sansa doesn’t either.
Afterwards when Sansa and Tyrion are in their litter, Tyrion asks her if Joffrey quarreled with Bran while in Winterfell like he did with Robb. She’s confused by this and just says he’s a sweet boy. He assures her that he had nothing to do with the attempts on Bran’s life. He points out she’s never asked about how Robb and Catelyn died and she tells him she doesn’t want to know. That’s fair enough. I don’t think I’d want to hear about that either.
Now it’s time for the wedding ceremony. Both Joffrey and Margaery look splendid and regal but Tyrion drank too much wine and has to pee hella bad and it’s making him think murderous thoughts about Joffrey.
If it wasn’t clear from the previous chapter, that boast about being familiar with Valyrian steel has Tyrion pretty well convinced that it was Joffrey rather than Jaime or Cersei who sent the catspaw after Bran. Personally, I suspect Littlefinger or Varys because they both wanted to destabilize the realm and have some war.
Now it’s time for the cloak exchange. Tyrion is still bitter about Sansa refusing to kneel when he was too short to put it on her. Ffs, dude. Get over it. We’re into some serious Nice Guy™ territory here. She was really supposed to be thinking about being accommodating when being forced to marry a member of the family that’s been killing her family off? The aggravating thing is that there are a lot of fans who think Sansa is some sort of heinous bitch for not being pleased about being forced to marry him. Ugh.
After the ceremony there is a procession so the smallfolk can watch and cheer. They all like Joffrey again because they love Margaery so much. They credit the Tyrells with saving the city from starvation because they opened up the roseroad so that supplies could come in. They don’t remember that they were the ones who closed the road in the first place. Basically, the people of King’s Landing are like all those working and middle class people who absorb Fox News capitalist propaganda.
Tyrion thinks about how he wants to get out of KL. He suggests Casterly Rock and Sansa apathetically agrees. He also thinks about going to the Free Cities instead.
They sit in awkward silence for the rest of the procession.
Tyrion finally gets to pee. Whoo hoo!
They put on new close for the feast. Weddings are a lot more complicated in Westeros, I guess. Tyrion of course continues drinking while he’s getting ready. Shae is helping Sansa and asks to serve the table at the feast. This annoys Tyrion. Apparently he doesn’t like it when women want nothing to do with but also doesn’t like it when women want to be heavily involved in every aspect of his life. Did he take a red pill (the MRA kind, not the Matrix kind) with his wine today?
They make the small talk rounds with all the other guests. Sansa is good at it. Tyrion doesn’t give a fuck. Lancel is there. It’s the first time he’s gone in public since getting badly injured at the battle of Blackwater. His hair is white and he’s scrawny as fuck. Even more of a mess than Tyrion and his no nosed state.
Olenna Tyrell comes up to Sansa and starts fussing with her hair and her amethyst hair net. Totally insignificant detail just there to add color I’m sure.
Finally they settle in for the seventy fucking seven course feast. Tyrion is paranoid that he’s being stared at and judged. Fair enough. He probably is.
Joffrey and Margaery ride in on white horses. Joffrey toasts Margaery with the giant chalice that Mace Tyrell had given him earlier.
Now it’s time for some serious food porn. Forgive me if I skip over it. Sansa is all listless and barely eating or paying attention to all the singers and musicians. That’s all anyone needs to know.
Several courses and cups of wine later, Tyrion is drunk and Joffrey is even drunker. He doesn’t know how to handle his booze yet. That’s what happens when you go to your wedding feast without having first lived on a college campus, I guess.
Part of the entertainment is a fake joust by two dwarfs. A male dwarf riding a dog and a female dwarf riding a pig. Everyone thinks this is hilarious for some reason. Drunk ass Joffrey tries to get Tyrion to joust on the pig. Drunk ass Tyrion says he’ll do it if Joffrey does, because he’s the only one in the hall he’s certain of defeating. Everyone laughs at this and Joffrey is enraged because he’s basically Donald Trump and can dish it out but can’t take it. Joffrey pours the wine from his chalice on Tyrion’s head.
The Tyrells try to smooth things over. It doesn’t really work. Joffrey forces Tyrion to be his cupbearer and in a move that will be familiar to anyone who has ever worked as a server, continuously verbally abuses Tyrion.
Finally it is time for the pie. The equivalent of the wedding cake at our culture’s weddings. Joffrey and Margaery cut the pie with the sword made from ice and a bunch of doves flew out. Poor doves. Stuck in a pie made out of their pigeon cousins. No wonder the birds want us all dead.
Tyrion and Sansa are about to leave when Joffrey notices and commands him to stay and serve him his wine.
Joffrey is eating his pie and starts coughing. He thinks it’s just dry and tries to wash it down with wine but the wine comes spewing back out. His face turns bright red and it’s clear that he’s actually choking. Tyrion realizes that Joff is going to die. He knows he is dead when he hears Cersei scream.
Then Cersei looks up from the corpse, accuses Tyrion and Sansa of poisoning Joffrey and has the kingsguard arrest Tyrion.
It turns out that Sansa did not stick around to watch Joffrey die. She’s in the Godswood as the bells toll. Changing into some plain and practical clothes that she had hidden there. It seems that Dontos had forewarned her that this day would be when she would escape King’s Landing.
As she takes off her hairnet, she notices an amethyst missing. It fills her with dread but she isn’t sure why yet. Apparently Dontos had told her that the hair net was magic, it would take her home and she needed to wear it tonight. But she is either in shock or kind of slow because it takes her a minute to do the math. But she does get there.
There’s some rustling in the trees and Dontos, like a lurking pervert appears. She accuses him of poisoning Joff but he still insists the amethysts are just magic. He tells her that Tyrion has been arrested and they mst leave quickly. She wonders if Tyrion really did poison him.
Dontos is super drunk as usual but they manage to make it out of the city. He leads her down a cliff after sloppily crying and kissing her. Gross. Finally they make it to the river and into a small boat. Dontos call out his name, “Oswell” even though he wasn’t supposed to do that. Oswell says “no names.” They go down the river into the Blackwater bay and finally come upon a larger ship. She and Oswell go up while Dontos remains in the smaller boat. Who is on the ship?
Why it’s our old pal Littlefinger accompanied by Ser Lothor Brune. Dontos says he needs to row back. LF says he’ll first want his payment, 10,000 gold dragons. This was clearly some kind of code because three men step up and shoot him to death with crossbows.
They sail away. Sansa is of course upset but LF assures her that because he was such an unreliable drunk, he would’ve eventually talked and they had no choice.
Littlefinger reveals that he was behind Dontos’ offer to take her home and Joffrey’s poisoning. He was even responsible for hiring the dwarf jousters, knowing that it would cause tensions. So basically, he framed Tyrion. Not to hard to do since Cersei already hates him and is suspicious of him. LF creepily tells her that “widowhood will become you.”
Sansa wonders what his motive is. He tells her he has no motive, it’s just best to keep your foes confused by making moves that seem to serve no purpose or move against her. He tells her to remember that when it comes to be her turn to play the game of thrones. I sure hope that advice backfires on him one day.
Deaths in this recap: 2. Dontos and Joffrey. The later being the best goddamn death in the whole series so far!
Cumulative deaths: 137
Maybe deaths in this recap: 0
Cumulative maybe deaths: 12
Betrayals in this recap: 1. I’m not sure Littlefinger can really betray anyone as he has no real allegiance to anyone but himself, but he’s supposed to be a Lannister ally so I think we can count this one.
Cumulative betrayals: 35
Incest incidents: 0.
Cumulative incests: 26