Book I am reading: A Storm of Swords
Booze in my flagon: Vodka and Fresca and malbec
Chapters: Arya IX, Jon VI, Catelyn VI
Arya and Sandor are riding through the endless rain in the Riverlands. They come upon a flooded river that’s about a mile across. Arya thinks it’s Blackwater rush because she still think she’s being taken to Cersei. He won’t tell her where they are and he keeps threatening to beat her. She keeps expecting the BWB to catch up with them, but they never do.
Finally they come upon a ferry man and the Hound threatens him into taking them across the river. He gives his knight’s honor that he’s good for the three gold dragons. After much drama getting across the river, including Arya stupidly contemplating jumping off the boat and into the river, the Hound, predictably stiffs the ferryman. He tells him it’s time he learned that knights don’t have any bloody honor.
Later when they camp, Arya tells Sandor all about her misadventures meeting his brother and his cronies. Instead of feeling any kind of sympathy, he just mocks Gregor for not knowing what he had when he caught her. He tells Arya that he’ll be sure to mention that before he cuts his heart out. CLEGANE BOWL CONFIRMED!!!
Because they’re bonding so well, he tells her the heart warming tale of the time he saved Sansa from rapists during that riot in King’s Landing. Then he informs her that they were on the Trident, not the Blackwater. He’s done with the Lannister. They’re going to the Twins to ransom her back to her family.
It’s shaping up to be quite a party at those Twins!
Sorry, that chapter was kind of short on fun material to comment on. But hey, on to…
Yes. It’s a Jon chapter. There should be some good emoing.
Both Jon and his horse are pretty spent. His leg wound from where he’s been shot with an arrow keeps ripping. Ick. It’s probably all stinky.
Finally they come upon the kingsroad. Soon he’ll have finally made his way back to the Wall. For some reason he pictures the whole Nightswatch gang happily drinking mulled wine in the common hall together. What kind of book series does this chap think he’s in?
Then he remembers his colleagues probably mostly died at the Fist. Yeah. That’s more like it. He angsts about Ygritte and his conflicted feelings about her again. Dude has a one track mind. Bring on the white walkers and their wight army. If nothing else so that he has something else to think about.
He stops at Mole Town and warns them to gather their belongs and head for Castle Black. When he finally gets to Castle Black, it’s all desolate and decrepit looking. He sees Donal Noye first and it turns out that Jarman Buckwell, one of the returning Brothers witnessed him with Mance’s party. So he has a new reputation as a traitor. Life is just too unfair to Jon Snow. He doesn’t fit in anywhere and nobody understands him. Noye fills him on what’s going on and what’s going on is that Bowen Marsh is playing right into Mance’s hands by spreading the NW too thin, chasing after small groups of wildlings so that Castle Black is a sitting duck. Or sitting crow, as may be more accurate.
He explains more about what he was up to and how he totally swears that he was only with the wildlings on Qhorin Halfhand’s orders. He didn’t at all like the freedom and Ygritte’s vajayjay. Aemon tells him the news that Mormont has been slain. Edd and Grenn are back at the castle and Marsh is the LC until they can have a choosing.
Now Jon is high off of milk of the poppy and I guess heroin juice causes you to confess things. He tells Aemon and Donal all about how he broke his vow with her but HE WAS JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS AND IS NOT INTO THAT SWEET FIRECROTCH OKAY!? Oh, and he also tells them about how Mance is searching for the horn of winter. And now I’m wanting to make a stupid joke about how Jon is a northerner and therefore his penis is a horn of winter.
Aemon cauterizes his wound and even while he’s screaming in pain, he’s still angsting about Ygritte. Dude. Get a life.
He wakes up to Pyp and Grenn at his bedside. Grenn tells him about how he witnessed Sam kill an Other with dragonglass and holy shit does this chapter ever involve a lot of people telling other people things. Anyway. They don’t know where Sam is. Is he dead? Alive? Astride a majestic elk? Dunno.
To complete the info dump, Aemon tells Jon all about how Winterfell is burnt down and Bran and Rickon have been killed. But rumor has it Theon is being flayed for his crimes. He’s confused because he knows he saw a grey direwolf at Queenscrown but no one cares about his rantings. He’s just made to drink more heroin juice.
Then he has a dream about Ygritte. Because of course he does. It’s pretty gross though. Ned is a weirwood tree watching them make out in those cave pools and then her flesh falls off into the water and it turns into a bloody hot tub.
The party has finally reached the Twins. The towers loom up out of the mist and the setting is all very horror movie. This can’t be good. Cat reminds Robb that Walder Frey is a thin skinned asshole and his sons are probably the same way. I bet if someone called Walder a short fingered vulgarian, he’d be butthurt about it for decades. Robb assures her that he’ll be sweet. She wants him to make sure and eat something so they have guest right. He scoffs at this but promises to do it.
Ryman Frey, Walder’s heir comes out to meet them. He’s described as “fleshy, broad, and stupid” and again this family is reminding me of Donald Trump. There’s also a Walder son called Petyr Pimple who has an “unfortunate face.”
Grey Wind does not like the Freys at all. Once again, the red flags are waving everywhere. But Robb controls him.
It’s Black Walder, a tempremental son who does the talking. He’s pissed off that Grey Wind is acting up and he’s pissed off that Jeyne is not there.
Yet another Frey son, Edwyn says most of the host will stay outside in tents. The important fancy folk are invited inside. Grey Wind is still resisting and does not want to enter. Listen to him, damnit! Reading this is like watching a horror movie where you’re shouting at the characters to not open that door, go into that dark hallway or investigate that noise.
Of course they press on and go into the hall to meet Walder Frey. He looks like a cross between a vulture and a weasel. He has no teeth. He’s also a molester. His wife is a teenager. There’s also an intellectually disabled son who has for some reason been clad in a fool’s crown with jinglebells.
Walder makes several snarky asshole remarks and then asks where Jeyne is. They all seem so suspiciously eager to meet her. Walder makes some passive aggressive remarks so Robb has to grovel and apologize and introduces all his unattractive daughters to Robb. Robb apologizes to them too and it’s all very awkward.
Then Roslin comes in and she’s actually a cutie. Edmure is most pleased. Cat thinks she’s too small and not fertile looking enough though. Roslin is crying and she claims it’s tears of joy. Kay.
After yet more sniping from Walder, Cat has to pressure him into giving them food. She thinks now they have the guest right and should be safe.
Finally they get to retire to their guest chambers which are actually sort of nice. Cat still wants to post their own guards though.
After a chat with Edmure about how inexplicably pretty Roslin is, Cat goes back downstairs to search for Perwyn Frey. He had been part of her escort to Renly’s camp and is one of the few Freys who isn’t a surly asshole. But Lame Lothar Frey says he’s away. Huh.
She says she has cramps or something and gets sent to their master, Brenett. He assures her that Roslin is healthy and fertile.
Then she goes to find Robb. A bunch of lords, including Bolton are with him. He tells them all about the other deaths at Winterfell. Roose says his bastard Ramsay has taken the ironborn back to the Dreadfort with him. Was this supposed to be comforting? Cat reminds him that she knows Ramsay is a rapist and murderer and Roose admits that he does indeed have tainted bastard blood. He assures her that Ramsay will dispatch the Ironborn and Cat is somehow not comforted. Robb asks about Theon and Roose produces a strip of leather that Ramsay sent with a letter. He says it’s from the finger of Theon. He wants to offer it to Catelyn. Neither Robb or Cat are too impressed. They prefer Theon dead. Bolton points out that he’s a valuable hostage and they consent to keep him alive. After some battle news talk Robb says they’re going straight home after the wedding.
Deaths in this recap: 0
Cumulative deaths: 116
Maybe deaths in this recap: 0
Cumulative maybe deaths: 9
Betrayals in this recap: 0. For now.
Cumulative betrayals: 31
Incest incidents: 0.
Cumulative incests: 26