Shrinkage.

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot noir

Chapters:  Jon II,  Sansa II

 

Jon II

Jon’s now successfully infiltrated the Wildling camp and there’s motherfucking giants!  Riding mammoths!  Things are not looking so great for the NW.  They’re vastly outnumbered, who knows how many of them died in that Other/wight attack that was cruelly  cliffhung about 200 pages ago and the Wildling army has motherfucking Giants!  And Mammoths!  Hundreds of them!  The giants are about 10-14 feet tall and very hairy.  It looks like they’re wearing pelts, but they’re nude.  Just very, very furry.  They’re thick bodied and no necked.  Basically, they’re the ultimate bears.

Jon thinks of an old myth about Joramun blowing the Horn of Winter and waking giants from the earth.  I suppose this will be important later, but who knows?  The new entry into the series doesn’t seem to be coming anytime soon.  So.

One of the giants is older than the rest and rides the biggest mammoth.   His name is Mag the Mighty.  Jon asks Tormund if that’s the giant’s king and Tormund makes fun of him for being a “kneeler.”  Tormund is quite jolly and full of tall (I hope) tales about things like having sex with a woman who actually turned out to be a she-bear who looked like a woman and bit off half his penis.  Maybe the whole half member thing is a cover for Tormund having a smaller peen than he claims?  It’s like the north of the Wall version of George Costanza’s shrinkage.  This story gives Tormund a good segue into making fun of Jon for not doing Ygritte even though she totally wants to get up on his jock.  Unfortunately for Ygritte, Jon is trying to stick to his NW vows and keeps friendzoning her.  Nonetheless, she’s starting to wear him down and his boner, like winter, seems to be coming.

Thanks to Jon’s self inflicted sexual frustration, it takes him several pages into the chapter to start thinking much about his actual mission that Qhorin Halfhand gave him.  He’s not terribly good at gathering intelligence.  He thinks the Wildlings have all gone to the Frostfangs to find a weapon, spell, or power to break The Wall.  Something like the Horn of Winter perhaps.

Jon doesn’t particularly want to kill the Wildlings.  He’s growing to like them.  But he’ll do it and knows he might have to.  He takes note of how completely disorganized they are and believed that Mance is the only one he needs to kill.  They’re no army at all without him leading them.

But enough with boring military type stuff.  Ygritte’s come to chat Jon up some more.  She reminds him of Arya which makes it kind of disturbing that he’s sort of into Ygritte now.  No wonder there are Jon/Arya shippers.  Incest isn’t just for the Lannisters and Targaryens!

The rom com is interrupted by an eagle attack.  Yeah.  Some eagle just came out of nowhere and started attacking him in the face.  Luckily the eagle missed the eye before it flew off.  The eagle used to be Orell’s and Jon wonders if birds can hate.

They probably can!  But the implication is that it’s due to Orell being inside the eagle living his second life.

After that bit of drama, the Wildling party finally gets over to the Fist of the First Men.  It’s gotten increasingly cold and snowy as they approach.  Uh oh.  That’s never good.  They come upon a bunch of dead and mutilated horses.  There’s a bunch of ravens flying around at the Fist but Jon doesn’t know if they’re NW ravens or if they’re wild.  The snow inside the fist is pink from all the blood.  Jon wonders where Sam is and what he is.  The Wildlings being Wildlings, they’re looting the corpses.

Jon joins up with Mance who starts questioning him.  It’s obvious from the body count that Jon lied about how many NW men there were.  He’s forced to show their hand and tell Mance that Mormont was their leader and Bowen Marsh is in charge back in Castle Black.  Mance knows Marsh sucks and feels that the war is as good as won.

Still, even Mance is unsettled about the whole Others and dead people coming back thing.  He also has the sense to worry about Jon’s motives, I guess.  He sends Jon, along with Ygritte with Jarl and Styr and a few others to breach the Wall.  He’s sent away instead of killed because Ygritte implies that she’s caused him to break his vows.  This later compels her to get all creepy and rapey and pretty much tell him he owes her sex.  That’s where the chapter ends, so we’ll have to wait and see how far she’ll push that.

 

Sansa II

Sansa’s getting a makeover.  There’s no cutesy shopping mall montage though.  Cersei is the one who’s ordered that Sansa should get a new wardrobe that looks more womanly than childish.  The seamstress tells Sansa her bosom is as lovely as the queen’s and she shouldn’t hide it so much.  This leads Sansa to think about how now that she has boobs, she’s getting dirty old men staring at her.  I guess Westeros isn’t so different from the real world.  Ick.

Anyway, Sansa is understandably suspicious of the Queen’s sudden generosity.  She’s not yet suspicious of Margaery though.    She’s been hanging out with Margaery’s cousings Elinor, Megga, and Alla a lot.  They all actually sound like normal tween girls which is sort of refreshing.  Margaery has been taking Sansa hawking and calling her sister.  It’s all very sweet.

I unfortunately think we can all feel pretty sure this happiness isn’t going to last.

Sansa tries to convince Margaery that she shouldn’t marry Joffrey.  She’s concerned for her safety.  Margaery seems completely unconcerned though.  Is this naivete or is there a plan in place on the Tyrell side?  Time will tell.

It doesn’t occur to Sansa that there’s any kind of agenda with the Tyrell family, but she does worry that Joffrey will at some point hurt Marg and Loras will become Kingslayer part two.

She tells Ser Dontos, who she’s still meeting in the Godswood that she’s planning to marry Willas.  This is very distressing news for him.  Maybe because he’s a perv for her.  Maybe for other reasons.  He does make a point to remind her to wear that hairnet to the wedding.  He’s still planning on them escaping the night of Joffrey and Margaery’s wedding.  Sansa doesn’t want to escape.  She wants to wed Willas and move to Highgarden.  Dontos suggests they only want her because of her claim.  With Bran and Rickon “dead” she is heir to Winterfell.  Sansa denies it and afterwards stops meeting him.  But she doesn’t really forget what he said.  Yet she still fantasizes about a nice marriage to Willas and kids who look like her father, brothers, and Arya.  She’s choosing to remain optimistic.

Deaths in this recap: 0  Still none.  I remember this book being a lot bloodier!

Cumulative deaths: 86

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  8

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 25

Incest incidents: 0  Jon thinking of Arya and Ygritte as being a like is creepy but it doesn’t really count.

Cumulative incests: 25

 

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