Book I am reading: A Clash of Kings
Chapters: Sansa VI, Tyrion XIV
Booze in my flagon: Pinot grigio. Plus the fumes of the bug spray I’ve been using to fight a recent fly infestation.
Sansa is having a tense dinner with her future mother in law. Cersei’s getting drunk which is good because we all know that drunk Cersei is the best Cersei. Cersei and I have that in common. I’m better with a wine wetted whistle too. Sadly, everyone’s buzz is harshed by Ilyn Payne lurking creepily in the back of the room.
Some scared newlywed women starts weeping uncontrollably and has to be escorted out. Cersei is of course contemptuous of this because tears are a woman’s weapon. Unlike a man’s weapon which is a sword. Sansa who is still flitting in and out of her simpleton phase of life points out that Cersei is the one who asked all these silly women to be there. Cersei explains that as queen it’s expected of her and it will make her look good if she is brave for the wives of the various lords and knights in King’s Landing should the Lannister’s win.
Then poor Sansa makes the mistake of asking what would happen if the castle falls. Cersei points out that the women, especially Sansa will be in for a bit of rape. She’s just a little too gleeful about this prospect for my taste. She then explains that she has no hope of seducing Stannis and tells the oh so scandalized Sansa that tears aren’t a woman’s only weapon. Totally appropriate thing to say to an adolescent girl.
They are interrupted by one of the Kettleblacks who reports what we already knew about Stannis’ fleet burning up. He also reports that three smallfolk tried to sneak out of the city. Cersei orders their heads put on spikes to serve as a warning to other potential traitors who commit the grievous sin of wanting to live. She subscribes to the Machiavellian school of ruling. But Sansa wants to rule with love. Awwww.
Now Cersei is really trashed. She starts talking about how she and Jaime used to dress in each other’s clothes as kids and were able to fool everyone. This both makes the twincest more creepy and reminds of Anne Rice books. Once they hit puberty it all changed and of course Jaime got all the respect. Drunk Cersei is super bitter about this.
Word comes that Stannis’ foot soldiers are rushing the castle and Tyrion will be leading the defense. Cersei reveals she knows about Sansa going to the godswood although she thinks it’s only to pray for a Stannis victory. She doesn’t seem to know about Dontos. She makes Sansa chug a glass of wine in hopes of getting some truth out of her. Once again, inappropriate! Anyway, she calls Ilyn forth. He has Ice. Cersei says he is ordered to use it on the both of them if Stannis wins. Uh oh.
First of all, let me acknowledge that Tyrion is wearing a helm. Unlike in the TV show. A bunch of tense and scary battle stuff happens. Somehow Tyrion manages to be a badass fighting Stannis’ men. I’m not sure how, but whatever. Plot armor. Pieces of exploded boat are floating in the river and make a sort of bridge. This bridge is where the battle is now taking place. Now things are getting very muddled and confused and Tyrion seems to be about to pass out from exhaustion. He sees Kingsguard member Ser Mandon Moore extending a hand to him.
Then, holy shit! Moore stabs Tyrion right in the face! Tyrion collapses and just as Moore is looming over him ready to go in for the kill, someone takes him out. It’s none other than Podrick Payne. I still want an explanation for how this happened. Wtf?
Ser Lancel comes into Maegor’s holdfast to tell them that the battle is lost and Tyrion is probably dead. Cersei orders Joffrey brought to Maegor’s and after that to pull up the drawbridge and seal them in. Poor dumb Lancel tries to protest because he knows that removing Joffrey from battle is terrible for morale. Cersei responded by slapping him in his motherfucking wound. Damn! That’s harsh!
Sansa is trying to comfort all the frightened ladies and help Lancel who’s on the floor in a bloody heap when Dontos appears out of nowhere and encourages her to go hide in her bedchamber. He says he’ll come for her when the fighting is done. She obeys.
In Sansa’s dark bedchamber a surprise is waiting for. It’s drunk and creepy Sandor who pops out of the dark and grabs her wrist. Gross. I don’t get SanSan shippers at all. Nope. Ick. He makes her look at him and tells her that he’s going and wants her go with. He even more creepily tells her that she promised him a song. She sings him the Mother’s hymn. He eventually skulks away.
When the sun rises Dontos, also drunk bursts into her room. He tells her that the Lannisters won the battle. Lord Tywin, the Tyrells and their allies saved the day.
Dany is finally fed up with Qarth’s bullshit. She refuses to wear the awkward one boob gown anymore. She changes back into Dothraki clothes. Good. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen a male author write about times and places where the fashion is for women to wear a gown that only covers one boob. This makes zero sense. Most breasts need support. It really wouldn’t be a good look. Sorry dudes. It’s never going to happen.
Dany is going to the waterfront to sell some things so she can get a ship and flee. Now that she’s screwed with the warlocks they’ve put a hit out on her so she needs to get out. Xaro tries once again to her to marry him but she is not having it. She doesn’t trust him because he won’t even give her a single ship unless she gives him a dragon.
Dany and Jorah have quite a bit trouble convincing any captains to take them on. With the Dothraki and the dragons they make a pretty huge and dangerous group. As they walk, Jorah notices that they are being followed by two people. A Westrosi looking older man and a huge brown skinned guy.
Suddenly a Qartheen man steps into their path and offers Dany a pretty jeweled box. She thinks it’s a gift. However it contains a huge poisonous scarab. The old man knocks the box out of her hands and kills the scarabs. He doesn’t mean her ill after all. Probably not anyway. The old man tells her he is called Arstan aka Whitebeard and the other guy is Belwas. Jorah is all glowery and suspicious. Of course. Arstan and Belwas claim to have been sent by Magister Ilyrio. They have ships to bring her back to Pentos.
Deaths in this recap: 1 Pretty surprising considering we were covering a war but Ser Mandon Moore is the only named character to die.
Cumulative deaths: 69
Maybe deaths in this recap: 1. Tyrion. He was in a pretty bad way.
Cumulative maybe deaths: 4
Betrayals in this recap: 1. Ser Mandon Moore was supposed to be on the same side as Tyrion. What happened there?
Cumulative betrayals: 17
Incest incidents: 0
Cumulative incests: 25