TreebeardBran

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Jon VII, Tyrion XII, Catelyn VII

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet

A quick note:  Since GRRM is forgoing writing a script for season 5 of the TV show to finish TWOW, I’m really hoping that by the time I recap the entirety of the first 5 books, TWOW will be out.  I know.  I’m a sweet summer child.

Jon VII

  Jon, Qhorin, Squire Dalbridge and Ebben are sneaking through the Skirling Pass.  Jon has one of his many heart to heart with a series of mentors so he can someday be a great leader with Qhorin.  Did that sentence make any kind of sense?  I don’t know because wine.  They talk about Mance Rayder who was a Black Brother before deserting to live among the wildlings.  Mance was born as a wildling and captured by the NW as a kid.  Qhorin explains that the wildlings are no better or worse than anyone but they have no discipline because they do not like to defer to any leadership.  I WONDER IF THIS INFORMATION WILL BECOME RELEVANT LATER? 

  The heartfeltiness of the heartfelt talk prompts Jon to confess that he let Ygritte go.  Qhorin is not surprised and he doesn’t really think they necessarily needed her dead.  He was just testing Jon to see what kind of man he is.  So crafty!

  Now it’s time for bed, and with it some weird dreams.  At first Jon has a wolf dream starring ghost.  Then a weirwood tree that sounds and looks like Bran calls out to him.  The tree smells like death but WeirBran tells JonGhost not to be afraid and to open his third eye.  The tree touches Jon and gives him a vision.  The vision is of Mance’s camp.  It is huge.  Not only does it have pretty much all the wildlings, they have mammoths.  Mammoths!  Wow!

  Then an eagle attacks JonGhost and Jon wakes up screaming.  Ebben is mad so Jon has to describe his dream.  The rest of the party seems to realize that Jon is a warg and the eagle attack was a wildling skinchanger.  Ghost is missing and Jon is very worried that the he is hurt or dead.  The fear gets worse after they see an eagle watching them walk.  They eventually found Ghost very hurt but able to walk.  Qhorin decides they must flee. 

  When they get to the spot where they encountered Ygritte and her friends Squire Dalbridge offers to stay behind to shoot arrows at the approaching wildlings and, Jon realizes, to sacrifice his life.

  The next day they hear the wildlings horn in the distance and no they are screwed.

Tyrion XII

  Varys has some news for Tyrion.  News from the north.  Uh oh.  The news is that Bran and Rickon have been killed.  Really GRRM?  That’s how you’re going to deliver the news?  A piece of parchment delivered by the spider?  Troll.

  Cersei isn’t sad at the news when Tyrion tells her.  Obviously.  Because she’s awful (and kind of awesome).  She is a little defensive about it though.  She is pissed that people might blame her for it.  That’s her only worry though.

  Cersei and Tyrion have dinner.  Their dinner is a swan.  A fucking swan.  Why?  She’s in a bad mood because of the Starks, Littlefinger being MIA and Tyrion sending his hill tribesman away because they aren’t disciplined enough to be soldiers.

  Tyrion has to convince Cersei that she needs to allow Joffrey to participate in the fast approaching battle.  It would be the worst PR if he doesn’t.  Sadly, Cersei is a bit of a helicopter parent (GRRM is apparently good at predicting trends) and he really has to work hard to convince her.

  Then Cersei springs one of her very special Cersei surprises on him.  She doesn’t like that Tyrion thinks with the “worm between his legs” so she’s captured his whore.  Tyrion is quite upset!  Cersei is ranting about how he wants Joff dead so he can rule through Tommen.  Cersei says that she will kill her terribly if any harm comes to Joff or Tommen.  This could be really horrifying and sad for Tyrion (that’s all that matters is Tyrion’s feels, right?) but unfortunately for Cersei, she took the wrong whore!  Sad trombone for Cersei.

  Cersei has mistakenly taken Alayaya.  Tyrion declares that whatever happens to her will happen to Tommen too.  Then he tells Cersei that he’ll get her one day and make sure her joy turns to ashes in her mouth.  I’m sure that will never backfire on him at all.  Right?

  When Tyrion gets back to his bedchamber, Shae is there.  Funny!  Varys led her through some secret tunnel to his bedchamber.  She was made to wear a hood so she couldn’t see.  Tyrion, try as he might can’t figure out where the passage is.  This isn’t important information either.  Shhh.

Catelyn VII

  Catelyn and Brienne are eating a morose dinner by themselves while outside the smallfolk are loudly singing and drinking to Edmure’s military victories.  Sadly, Cat has learned the news of Bran and Rickon’s deaths.  This is the point in which her chapters get depressing and contain lines like “I am a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.”

  Because the dinner is so awkward, she finally tells Brienne about what happened.  We get more details than in the previous chapter and they are gruesome.  Theon mounted their heads on the walls of Winterfell after capturing them at the mill.  What an asshole.  I wonder if he’ll get his comeuppance? 😀

  Catelyn wishes death on Theon, Cersei, Jaime and even Tyrion.  Foreshadowing?  We’ll just have to see.

  She tells Brienne that she sent Jaime a shit ton of wine in hopes of getting him wasted and talking.  It worked on Cleos Frey before so why not?  They arrange to meet at midnight to go interrogate him.

  Catelyn passes the time until then by going up to Hoster’s room and angsting at him.  He probably doesn’t understand what she’s saying.

  Finally midnight comes.  When she gets to the dungeon she finds that Jaime has not taken the bait and drunk the wine.  He is still a hot mess though.  The light hurts his eyes because he’s been in the dark like one of the crawlers from The Descent.  There’s shit all over the place, his clothes are soiled and his beard his ungroomed.  Catelyn still notices that he’s pretty hot and after watching seasons 2 and 3 of the TV show, I must concur.

  The two of them make a deal to answer each others questions truthfully.  First, he admits to being Joffrey’s father.  No big shock there.

  Jaime wants to know if his family still lives and when he finds out that Stafford is the only one dead thus far he gives zero fucks.

  Now the kicker.  Catelyn asks him what happened to Bran.  She wonders if he’ll be able to even answer but he has no shame at all and matter of factly tells her that he did in face defenestrate him.  He does however, deny sending the catspaw.  Hmm….

  All this time Jaime has finally been drinking the wine and by now he is quite drunk.  He tells Cat the terrible tale of how Rickard and Brandon Stark died.  Rickard was cooked inside his own armor by Aerys.  Ouch!  Brandon was tied up with a cord around his neck and his sword just out of reach.  He ended up strangling himself.

  This is all told as Jaime’s defense against the kingslaying.  We begin to get an understanding of why he did it and he becomes a character that is no longer a one dimensional villain.  This is one of my favorite parts of the books and I can’t even snark right now even though I’m a bit drunk.

  Anyway, Cat is fairly unmoved because she knows that Jaime did not slay Aerys to avenge the Starks. Also, Jaime starts mocking the fact that Ned had a bastard an we all know that’s a sore subject with Cat.  Finally she calls for Brienne and asks for her sword.

  Whaaa…..?

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Bran and Rickon.  Nooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cumulative deaths: 63

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  Cersei kidnaps who she thinks is Tyrion’s whore

Cumulative betrayals: 16

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

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