The first (men) fisting

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Sansa III, Catelyn IV, Jon IV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Noir

 

Sansa III

  The Hound has come to fetch Sansa and bring her to a meeting with Joffrey.  That always goes well.  Sansa’s dress is getting tight across her chest because she’s getting boobies.  The Hound tells her Robb has done something to piss Joffrey off.  When they get to Joffrey he has a crossbow and there’s a dying cat with a crossbow in it lying on the ground.  Somehow I managed to block that part out the first three times I read it.  Now it’s burned in my brain and I am not at all pleased.

  Robb’s treason was staging a sneak attack on Ser Stafford Lannister, Tywin’s brother and killing him along with thousands of Lannister men.  Joffrey via that lickspittle Lancel claimed that Robb attacked with an army of wargs and they all feasted on the flesh of the Lannister soldiers.  I’m pretty sure that’s bullshit though.  Joffrey says he wants to kill Sansa but his mommy won’t let him so he’ll only punish her.

  He has Ser Boros Blount beat her.  But not in the face because Joffrey likes her pretty.  Ugh.  Not enough nopes in the realm for this.  The Hound implores Joffrey to put a stop to it but obviously that doesn’t work.  Of course, it gets even worse as Boros rips her damn dress off.

  Luckily the proceedings are interrupted by Tyrion.  He tells Joffrey off, threatens to have Boros killed if he won’t shut his stupid mouth, and most humiliating of all, he threatens to send for Joffrey’s mommy.

  Tyrion has Sansa escorted back to the tower of the hand with him so she can be a little safer.  She realizes she’s been placed in Arya’s old bedchamber.  He informs her that not only Stafford Lannister, but several Westerland lords have been killed or captured.  That’s why Joffrey was throwing his Beiberesque tantrum.  He promises to put an end to the betrothal between she and Joffrey.

  Sansa wants to get back to her old bedchamber so she can get out and find Dontos in the godswood.  She lies and tell Tyrion that being in the tower of the hand would give her nightmares.  This works.  Suck it Sansa haters.  She isn’t stupid at all!

 

Catelyn IV

   Catelyn goes to a sept in a little village to pray and angst and guilt.  While praying to the Mother she feels a bit of empathy with Cersei of all people.  She realizes that she might kill to protect her own children.  Hmm.  Foreshadowing?

  She heads back to Renly’s camp and enters his tent.  Brienne is helping to prepare him for battle and Lords Rowan and Tarly are there to talk strategy.  They are confident Renly will win because he outnumbers Stannis’ men but they also know he will never yield.  Catelyn wants a word with Renly so he sends the lords away.

  She tells Renly she suspects the incest story is true and Bran caught them in flagrante delicto and that’s why he was defenestrated.  She wants Renly to join with Stannis and Robb and set aside their crowns to convene a great council and expose the incest to the realm.  This is actually a great idea, but we all this is going to get shot down because it would interfere with the Baratheon egos.  Nice try Cat.

  Catelyn is starting to beg when some spooky breezes and shadows enter the tent.  She notices that the shadow is moving independently of Renly and doesn’t belong to him.  It also gets cold in the tent.  There’s a very Ghost Adventures vibe.

Of course, Zak and the others shit their pants every time a draft goes through the creaky old buildings they “investigate” so I don’t think they could deal with what’s coming.

  The shadow takes its shadow sword and straight up slits Renly in the throat.  Brienne goes to catch him and he dies in her arms.  Brienne screamed which attracted the attention of his guards Robar Royce and Emmon Cuy who come rushing in.  They accuse Brienne of murdering Renly.  Cat tries to stop them and explain but they don’t listen and rush Brienne.  Luckily, Brienne is a BAMF and she manages to fight off and kill an unnamed guardsmen and knock over Cuy.  Cat finally convinces Robar that Brienne is innocent and he lets them escape.

  Catelyn believes the shadow was Stannis.  Brienne is on board with theory and vows to kill him.  They sneak out in the chaos with the rest of the northerners.  She realizes that all or most of Renly’s men belong to Stannis now and she remembers Stannis’ threat that Robb’s day will come as well.

 

Jon IV

  The Night’s Watch arrives at the Fist of the First Men.  It’s a big hill in the middle of the forest.  I always picture something similar to the Devil’s Tower in Wyoming.  Ghost refuses to climb to the top of the fist.  Apparently, Jon has not watched many horror movies or he would know you should always trust canine instincts.  They make camp and plan to wait there for Qhorin Halfhand, a really good fighter/ranger from the Shadow Tower to the west of Castle Black.

  The Fist was a fort of the First Men during the Dawn Age thousands of years ago and their are henges or cairns or something placed all around.  Thoren Smallwood notes that it is an old place and Mormont’s raven agrees and echoes the word old which is always kind of ominous.

  Jon goes back down the hill to fid Ghost and he appears right away.  He still won’t let Jon take him back up.  Hint, hint Jon!  Could it be any clearer?  He does get creeped out but tells himself to put on his big boy panties and ignore those instincts in favor of manly stoicism.

  Later Jon prepares spiced wine for Mormont and his advisors and listens to their strategies.  They do not want to go in the freezing cold Frostfang mountains and figure that Mance and the wildlings will be driven down by the inhospitable weather and will thus be seen by the NW.  The NW are going to be in a holding pattern for a while.

  After Mormont goes to bed, Jon goes out to the cookfire to get supper.  Dywen who is the cook is uneasy too.  He smells a cold smell and doesn’t like it.  The others are laughing Dywen off, but Jon smells it too and it reminds him of the smell the night the wights attacked at Castle Black.

  Later that night, Ghost finally goes up to the camp, but only to get Jon to follow him elsewhere.  Ghost leads him down the hill and partially around the base of the fist.  Ghost finds a mound and starts digging.  He has dug up a cache of weapons, knives, arrowheads and spearheads wrapped in an old NW cloak.  The weapons are made of obsidian AKA dragonglass.  There is also an ancient and janky warhorn made of auroch horn and bronze.  Very spooky and mysterious.  See Jon, trust the canine instincts.  Always.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor dumb Renly.  He never knew what hit him.

Cumulative deaths: 46

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: