Ducksauce vs. Fedora Man: A battle for the ages

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters: Arya VI, Daenerys II, Bran IV

Booze in my flagon: Cabernet-sauvignon

 

Arya VI

  Arya is trapped in the storeroom for eight days with Genry, Hot Pie and the villagers.  The Mountain would pick a new prisoner each day to torture and question.  The main questioner/torturer is named the Tickler.  He’s good at his job.  The prisoners were always asked about whether there was gold and silver in the village and they were always asked about Beric Dondarrion, the guy Ned sent after the mountain who Sansa’s friend Jeyne Poole had a crush on.  I don’t know why the detail about Jeyne Poole was important to add.  It’s just cute and it reminds me of the hopeless crush I had on a student teacher when I was in high school.  Onto more gruesome and important things, nobody ever survives the questioning.

  The prisoners aren’t even allowed to speak.  A three year old boy and his mother were even killed because he wouldn’t stop crying.  It’s really, really horrible. Arya’s chapters in these books might be the darkest in the series.   Arya is becoming increasingly angry towards the Lannisters and one can hardly blame her.

  After the eight days in the storehouse, the remaining prisoners were forced to march to Harrenhal where Tywin Lannister and his gilded mutton chops await.  The march is depressing too.  Those too weak to keep up were killed and the women were routinely raped by the Mountain and his men.  Arya keeps looking longingly at Needle who is kept by Polliver.  She thinks that’s it’s a good thing she doesn’t have it because she’d have tried to use it against Gregor and gotten herself killed by now.  I should be disturbed by this, but to be honest, I’ve had similar thoughts whilst on an annoyingly crowded and noisy bus/airplane so…

  It’s at this point that dark Arya is creeping and she starts her pre bedtime death list prayer.  Dunsen, Polliver, Chyswyck, Raff the Sweetling, The Tickler and the Hound, Ser Amory, Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei.  I’m guessing they’re all dead before the end of the series, but GRRM loves to fuck with his readers so who knows?

  On to fun ooky horror stuff.  Arya recalls the stories Old Nan told her about Harrenhal.  It was built by one of Iron Born former rulers of the Riverlands, Harren the Black.  He supposedly mixed human blood in the mortar.  Soon after the giant monstrosity that is Harrenhal was built, Aegon came along and roasted Harren within the walls.  Oops.

  Sure enough, Harrenhal’s towers are all creepy and melty.  Think of the sand castles you make with wet goopy sand.  Hot Pie doesn’t want to go in because he’s heard it’s haunted.  Obviously he has no choice.  The prisoners are showered and inspected.  Arya gets assigned to serve as a butter churner because she has callouses on her hands from “Needle work.”  She tells the overseers that her name is Weasel.  Arya says she’d rather tend horses.  For impudence she is instead assigned to assigned to some fugly psycho named Weese.  Thus ends a chapter too bleak to properly snark.

 

Daenerys II

  Daenerys and her party approach the walls of Qarth.  A column of camels and riders are sent to escort them to the gates.  They’re all garish and fancy.  A warlock named Pyat Pree rides alongside Dany and boasts about Qarth being the “greatest city that ever was or ever will be.”  Such arrogance.  I think Qarth people are to the ASOIAF fire universe what New Yorkers are to our universe.  You know how they think they’re really important and are the only city with culture but no one else gives two shits about them?  The Qartheen seem to be the same way.

  The city also proves to be rather loud and garish, at least for my taste.  There’s lots of colors and ornate fountains and architecture.  Everyone is tall and pale and the women wear silk gowns that expose one boob.  Um, why?  I hope that trend never takes off here in real world.  Some of us need bras!

  A merchant prince named Xaro Xhoan Daxos (henceforth he will be called ducksauce) and starts having a passive aggressive argument with Pyat Pree about who should host Dany and her khalasar.  She has soured on the concept of sorcery since her experience with Mirri Maz Duur so she chooses Ducksauce.  He tells her not to trust the warlocks because they are ludicrous liars.

  Of course, Jorah the fedora’d wonder takes issue with Dany having a new manfriend.  He doesn’t want her to trust Ducksauce either.  Dany is more pragmatic and realizes she needs to suck up to rich people.  She’d make a good senator.

Ser Fedorah

I have a feeling I’ll be using this picture often.  Thanks Nice Guys of Westeros tumblr!

  Ducksauce’s estate is staggeringly vast.  Dany gets her own huge section of it.  Before the Qartheen party departs, a mysterious shadowbinder in a red lacquer mask (da fuck?) named Quaithe tells her to beware of everyone and everything in Qarth.  She insinuates that they only like her for her dragons and that’s the only reason she gets to be the new popular kid.

  Dany sends out some of her men to scope out the city.  Jorah brings back a ship captain from the summer islands named Quhuru Mo.  Another fucking Q name?  Geez.  Mo brings Dany some great news.  Robert Baratheon is dead.  But you already knew that.  Jorah is cautious, but Dany is given a new sense of hope and purpose.

 

Bran IV

  Bran has become friends with Meera and Jojen Reed.  Meera and Summer are play fighting.  He knocks her over, but she is awesome with a net and managed to ensnare Summer.  Bran asks if a master-at-arms taught her to fight with a net.  She says no.  Her father, Ned’s friend Howland taught her.  The Crannogmen hardly have a typical home.  Meera says their home, Greywater Watch moves around. So, it’s Howland’s moving castle?  It means no one, even ravens can find it.  Bran asks if he would be welcome there and Meera says yes.  Bran thinks he will ask Rodrick about it.  Rodrick is not home right now.  He’s sorting out some trouble.  Lord Roose Bolton’s bastard son kidnapped the recently widowed Lady Hornwood and forcibly married her so he might get her lands.  This has pissed off all the other Northern lords who also want to marry her and take her land.  Lord Wyman Manderly took her castle to “protect” it.  It’s a whole big thing, but I’m sure it will have no further bearing on the story :/

  Jojen, in his creepy solemn way tells Bran that he needs to peace out of Winterfell ASAP.  Jojen has prophetic dreams.  The Reeds call the greendreams.  The crow from Bran’s dream also appears to Jojen and it’s telling him they need to go north.  He says Bran needs to open his third eye so he can see beyond the physical plane or whatever.  Bran is in denial for now.  I guess that means he’s third eye blind?

  The more Jojen presses Bran to tell him of his dreams, the crankier Bran gets.  He tells Bran that he and Summer are a part of each other.  That’s why Summer is getting pissy too.  He’s being all Cujotastic and menacing the Reeds.  His rage brings Shaggydog over too.  Shit is getting serious.  The Reeds climb up a tree.  Bran calls Hodor over and Hodor calms the wolves down by chasing them and Hodoring.

  Bran has Hodor bring him to the Maester’s tower to visit Luwin.  He asks Luwin about the Children of the Forest, who supposedly had the greensight.  Just like Jojen and apparently, Bran.  He wants to know where the magic came from.  Luwin doesn’t know and he claims that all the magic is gone from the world.  He does know that the Children could supposedly see through the eyes of Weirwood trees and that’s why the First Men cut them down.  Meera later tells Bran that Luwin is full of shit and magic still exists.  Jojen had a recent dream that Bran was given delicious meat while the Walders were given gross rotten meat, but the Walders liked their meal more.  She said he’ll understand the dream later.  When the dinner that night is uneventful, Bran is able to keep in denial about his burgeoning creepy kid powers.  For now anyway.

 

Deaths in this recap:  0.  That’s 9 chapters in a row with no deaths! George, I am disappoint.

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 20. 

Cumulative incests: 26

 

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