Pie Romancer

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion V, Bran III, Catelyn II

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec


Tyrion V

  Tyrion goes to visit Hallyne the Pyromancer at the Guildhall of the Alchemists.  The alchemists used to be the go to guys for medicine and advice, but the maesters were the Cady Herron to the alchemists Regina George and replaced them.  However, there are still alchemists left and they know the spells it takes to make a weapon called wildfire.  It’s a highly flammable substance that produces green flames that can’t be put out with water or stop, drop and rolling.  You just have to wait for it to burn itself out.  It’s a deadly weapon, but obviously hard to control.

  Tyrion orders 10,000 pots of wildfire and 3,000 empty pots for the soldiers to use for practice.  Then he leaves with his escort of Timett and a bunch of Burned Men.  There’s been lots of unrest in King’s Landing.  A hungry mob recently descended upon the Red Keep.  Bronn is also there and he has summons from Jacelyn Bywater of the Gold Cloaks and Cersei,

  Tyrion goes to Jacelyn first because he prefers to meet with Cersei when she’s pissed off as it makes her kind of stupid and impulsive.  Jacelyn has Cleos Frey with the peace terms from Robb.  He tells Tyrion that the Riverlands are a hellish wartorn shithole and that Catelyn was the one interested in peace, not Robb.  He tells him to wait until he consult with Cersei to draw up their own peace terms.

  When Tyrion gets back to the Tower of the Hand, Cersei is waiting for him predictably pissed off.  She’s mostly upset about the deal to send Myrcella to Dorne.  That means Pycelle has been tattling.  She gets worked up enough to smack him upside the head.  When Tyrion tries to convince her that Myrcella would be safer there, Cersei starts crying.  This is a confusing turn of events because until now she seemed to lack feelings.  Still, she won’t let Tyrion comfort her.  It’s not a hug and cry and learn and grow moment (I stole that phrase from Faith).

He manages to calm her down with the letter from Robb and knows he’ll get his way concerning Myrcella.


Bran III

  Bran is starting to enjoy playing lord of Winterfell.  He likes getting cheered by the smallfolk and holding feasts.  Two new guests arrive.  Meera and Jojen Reed from Greywater Watch.  The children of Ned’s good friend Howland.  Meera is the elder.  She is dressed like a boy.  Jojen is younger and very frail.  They reswear the oath their house made to the Starks thousands of years ago.

  Bran has a wolf dream later that night.  In this dream Jojen and Meera are there.  Jojen knows it isn’t the day he will die and is not afraid of a direwolf attack.  Clearly Jojen has a creepy horror movie kid thing going on.


Catelyn II

  Cat is angsting about wanting to reunite with her children. She and her escort are on the way to treat with Renly.  That afternoon the party is met by Renly’s outriders and they are taken to his camp.  His camp is huge and so is his army.  As they approach Renly’s tent they see that a melee is in progress.  Cat thinks it unseemly that a for fun party fight is going on when there is a real war to fight.

  Renly is watching the fight.  He looks really fabulous and not at all gay.  We now get our first introduction to his new wife Margaery of house Tyrell.  She is pretty, but since she has brown hair and eyes she obviously isn’t too pretty.  Loras is fighting really well and almost wins, but he ends up getting beaten by a mysterious blue clad knight.

  Surprise!  The blue knight is not a man.  It is Brienne of house Tarth.  She’s super big and tall and regarding as kind of a manbeast.  She has a plain face and is socially awkward, so of course nobody really likes her.  All Brienne wants as her prize is to be a member of Renly’s Rainbow Guard (really George?) which is his version of the Kingsguard.

  After Renly agrees to that, he is introduced to Catelyn.  Renly declares that he will avenge Ned’s death by presenting her Cersei’s head.  Cat tells him the news that Jaime is a prisoner at Riverrun.  He tells Cat he will speak to her later when she rests and refreshes herself.  She is assigned a fancy schmancy tent.

  Later, she goes to his pavilion for dinner.  Renly keeps things classy, but she thinks his bannermen are fools who aren’t taking this war business seriously enough.  She has to be a buzzkill and note that they are the knights of summer and winter is coming, and they won’t be so carefree for long.  It’s kind of annoying, but she has a point.

  Renly invites Cat for a walk after dinner.  He boasts about the strength of his army.  Catelyn points out that Stannis technically has the better claim but Renly doesn’t have any fucks to spare about that.  Renly points out that Robert had no right to take the throne either.  The right of conquest is what matters.  Fair enough?

  He tells Cat that he will only form an alliance with Robb if he drops the bid for northern independence.  Then they are interrupted by a messager  Stannis has besieged Storm’s End.


Deaths in this recap:  0.  An uneventful triad!

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Pycelles rats out Tyrion

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

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