Top of the fedora to you

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon I, Daenerys I, Jon II

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio


Theon I

  Theon is sailing home to Pyke on the Iron Islands.  Pyke is all cold and grim and yucky.  Theon has been passing the journey to Pyke by having sex with the captain’s daughter.  He keeps telling her about crappy the Iron Islands are, but she wants to go with him anyway.  I don’t know why.  Theon is lamenting the old ways before Aegon’s conquest changed everything.  The Iron Born apparently used to be fearsome pirates who had slave labor to do their bidding.  Now they’re just an out of the redneck part of Westeros.  Boo hoo,  Theon doesn’t want the captain’s daughter who doesn’t even get a name to come with him.  He does however, tell her that she might have a king’s bastard in her.

  A king?  What?

  Once Theon gets to Pyke, he is aggrieved to find that nobody at port recognizes him or cares that he has arrived.  He is about to hire a horse and a guide to take him to Pyke.  He’s interrupted by a dirty hippie looking priest.  It’s his uncle Aeron Damphair.  Aeron wants to know if Theon is now a worshipper of the old gods that the Stark’s keep.  That’s not good enough for Aeron who rebaptizes him for the Drowned God by pouring sea water on him and having him incant “what is dead may never die.”  Theon wants to know why his father Balon is preparing for war, but much to his chagrin Aeron is keeping mum.  Then it gets even worse.  Aeron suggests that Theon might be replaced as Balon’s heir with his sister Asha.  The Iron Island’s are even more macho and misogynistic than the rest of Westeros so this news is particularly unwelcome.  The fact that Theon has been at Winterfell for a decade has made everyone suspicious that Theon has become a wussy Stark Greenlander.

  They get to the great keep where Aeron leaves him.  Theon finds that his father is waiting at the Sea Tower instead of there to greet him.  First he is escorted to his chambers which are cold, damp and gross. Theon dresses up in his fanciest outfit to impress daddy.  Sadly, it fails to impress.  Balon is cold and mean.  He dislikes Theon’s gold chain necklace because it was bought (acquired by the gold price) rather than stolen off of a slain enemy(the iron price).  Yes,  His father is disappointed to not raise a thieving thug.  So unhealthy.  I’d say they should go on Dr. Phil, but I think he’s a sexual harasser so they’d probably just egg each other on.

  Balon is also pissed off that Theon has become friends with Robb and is carrying messages from him.  Balon doesn’t want to be given a crown.  He wants to take it.  He wants to it by taking over the north.  Dum, dum, duh!


Daenerys I

  Dany decides to steer her party in the direction the comet is going.  It’s the safest way to go into a desert area called the Red Waste.  It’s about the only place she won’t be set upon by a khalasar.  The desert is a horrible place to march.  First horses start dying and then people do.  Everybody is starving and thirsty.  Dany fears her dragons will starve because they won’t eat, but eventually she figures out that they like cooked meat.

  Dany names her dragons.  The green on Rhaegal for her brother.  The cream on Viserion for her other, more psychotic brother.  The black one Drogon for her husband.

  Our first named fatality happens when Doreah gets sick and dies.  For any readers who only watch the show and haven’t read the books, this is probably the first big deviation the show takes by keeping her alive.

  Finally they find a deserted city.  They find a bunch of figs there.  It doesn’t seem like much, but to them it’s pretty much a feast.  After that they find more fruit and a well of clean water,

  While they are resting, Jorah dons his fedora and establishes his Nice Guy street cred by telling Dany the tale of his wife.  Her name is Lynesse of house Hightower.  The Hightowers are one of the wealthiest families.  Jorah won her over by winning a tourney, she agreed to marry him.  Lynnesse was disappointed to learn that the Mormonts live on a desolate island and don’t possess a lot of wealth.  She was dissatisfied and that is how Jorah came to sell slaves.  He wanted to keep her in nice clothes and jewelry.  After Jorah was exiled, she left him for another man who had lots of money.  After telling Dany this story, he reveals that she looks like Lynesse.  Now we know why he so into following her.  Blech.   Dany realizes that Jorah is warm for her form.  She’s not attracted to him though.

  The next day Dany sends her bloodriders out to look for an inhabited city.  Aggo and Rakharo found nothing.  Jhogo returned from a city called Qarth.  He brought with three creepy ass citizens.  Pyat Pree, Quaithe and Xaro Xhoan Daxos.  More on them later.


Jon II

  The Night’s Watch gets to a wildling village called Whitetree.  It houses a gigantic weirwood tree.  The village is deserted like every other wildling settlement.  Not only are the people gone, the game are gone as well.  That’s super spooky.  Everyone knows that when animals are scare, humans should be scared too.  Apparently the NW don’t know the rules of horror movies though.  LC Mormont vows to find out whatever is going on.


Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor Doreah.

Cumulative deaths: 38

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6




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