When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Ned’s Head Edition
Book I am reading: AGOT
Chapters: Daenerys VII, Tyrion VIII, Catelyn X, Daenerys VIII, Arya V
Booze in my flagon: Pinot grigio
Drogo’s khalasar has raided and defeated the Lhazareen, or as the Dothraki call them the Lamb People. The Lamb People eat a vegetarian diet. This apparently means they are wusses. Drogo also kicked the ass of Khal Ogo’s khalasar. Ogo had already been raiding the Lamb People when Drogo’s Khalasar came upon them. Drogo didn’t come to much harm. He only has a few cuts. Phew! Now nothing can go wrong.
Dany sees a young woman being gang raped. It’s upsetting because she missed the memo that raping usually accompanies pillaging. She forces herself to look away and ride on. Jorah tells Dany that he recommended selling the 10,000 captives from this raid to Meereen for slavery. This is also upsetting for Dany, but she figures it is the price of Iron Throne. Yikes.
The girl who is being raped is still making a bunch of heartrending cries and harshing everyone’s war buzz. Finally, Dany can take no more and decides to command that the Dothraki cut it out. All the Dothraki are confused by this command because Lamb People are nothing important, but she stands firm. Jorah compares her favorably to her brother Rhaegar.
Can I just mention how much this chapter is pissing off the spell check? This entire post has been red squiggles.
All of the mess described above was before they even entered the town. Inside the town it is worse. Headless corpses are everywhere and lots of other women are being raped. Dany has all the women rescued.
When she meets up with Drogo, it turns out the small scratch is a missing nipple. Ouch! The khalasar members are complaining to Drogo that she took their spoils. Drogo doesn’t understand why she stopped the rapings. He does end up backing her, but thinks she’s fierce because his son is in her belly. Shut up Drogo.
Dany is concerned about Drogo’s wound. One of the women she rescued volunteers to help. Her name is Mirri Maz Durr and she is a godswife, which is some kind of maegi. She learned magical arts from many people. One of them was a Westrosi maester named Marwyn who was in Asshai while she was there. She removes the arrow from his boob and puts a poultice on the wound.
Tyrion is having a tense dinner with Tywin. The Lannister host and the Stark host are now about a days march from each other. Kevan and Tywin want to put Tyrion’s hill folk in the vanguard when they meet in battle. Tyrion has the awkward realization that Tywin just wants to get rid of them all.
Tyrion tells them about how the different hill clans have been fighting amongst themselves. Tywin extra bitchily says that the fault lies with the commander when the army is undisciplined. Then he smugly informs Tyrion that he will command, but serve under Gregor.
Tyrion stalks off and returns to camp. Bronn has secured a whore for him. Her name is Shae. He tells her he wants the girlfriend experience and will give lots of money if she stays with him and doesn’t have any other clients. She calls him “my giant of Lannister” without a trace of (detectable) irony and of course he loves that.
The next morning he wakes up early to a war going on outside. The Starks snuck up in the night. He rushes out and falls in with his hill folk. There’s a bunch of heraldry porn I’m not about to go into here.
There’s lots of Stark armies, but Tyrion doesn’t see Robb anywhere. The fighting begins and Tyrion manages to fight by being all sneaky and small. The Lannisters had the bigger army and they win. Tyrion and Bronn survived. Ulf and Conn of the hill folk died, but Shagga, Chella and Timett survived. Tywin’s bannerman Addam Marbrand arrives with news. They captured Lord Cerwyn, Wylis Manderly and Harrion Karstark. Lord Hornwood has died. They captured four Frey’s and Roose Bolton escaped. Robb Stark on the other hand is heading for Riverrun.
Catelyn is waiting in the Whispering Wood with her guard Hallis Mollen and thirty swords. They’re to escape to Winterfell if the fighting goes against them. Robb and the majority of his army are sneaking up on Jaime and his forces. The other army sent against Tywin was a diversion. They hear the battle, but don’t see it.
Robb wins. Jaime has been captured. Theon wants him to execute Jaime. He’s a dumbass. Robb knows he is more valuable as a hostage. He’s led away to be chained in irons. Robb tells Cat that both of Lord Rickard Karstark’s sons Torrhen and Eddard died in the battle. So did Daryn Hornwood. This means both male Hornwoods are dead and the house is left without an heir, Robb feels guilty about these deaths and Cat councils him to honor them and move on because shit still needs to get done. Why do people say she’s too emotional again?
It’s hot as hell out. Flies are circling all around Drogo. He usually Hulk smashes them, but today he isn’t reacting. It seems his wound got infected and he’s suffering from sepsis. Six days earlier he had stupidly torn of Mirri’s healing poultice because it was itchy. Finally he falls off his horse. She insists that they make camp where Drogo fell and has Qotho fetch Mirri for her.
While they’re waiting, Jorah informs Dany that they should flee right now. Drogo is about to die and the Dothraki don’t care about inheritance. Once Drogo dies, the strongest man will become the leader. Yay meritocracy? Jorah says they will kill Rhaego as soon as he is born so the prophecy won’t come true and threaten them. Dany refuses to abandoned her man.
Mirri comes into the tent and notices that Drogo’s wound has festered. Well duh. Qotho and Haggo start to beat her up because that’s how pleasant and reasonable chaps resolve problems. Dany stops them and they leave. Jorah very insightfully guesses they might pose a threat to Dany.
Mirri says Drogo’s illness is now beyond her healing powers. Another poultice isn’t cutting it. The only way is a dark magic spell Mirri learned from a shadowmage in Asshai. There is a price and only death can pay for life. Dany asks if that means her death and Mirri says no. Dany consents to this black magic spell without asking whose life must be sacrificed. There’s no way that will bite her in the ass.
Drogo’s bloodrider Jhogo is super nervous and wants to kill Mirri because black magic is forbidden. Dany won’t hear it and she has Drogo’s horse brought in to be bled for Mirri’s spell. Mirri orders everybody else, including Dany out of the tent. From outside, she can hear Mirri wailing creepily and they can all see shapes dancing with her.
Qotho decides to kill Mirri and then Dany. Jorah fights him. While this is going on Dany starts getting awful cramps. Jorah kills Qotho, Aggo kills Cohollo and Rakharo kills Haggo. She passes out in Jorah’s arms as he carries her to the tent to be treated by Mirri.
Arya is living in the streets of King’s Landing and is reduced to catching a pigeon with her hands. She tries to trade the pigeon for a tart, but the vendor tells her to piss right off. Arya has been wanting to leave the city but all the gates are under guard so she has to live as a street urchin in Flea Bottom the slum of King’s Landing. All her valuables got stolen right away so she’s impoverished. It’s sort of like a TV movie about teen runaways. Like that amazing 90’s movie starring Mark Paul Gosselar (Zach Morris!). But I digress…
The bells start to ring. Just like they did when Robert died. People tell her that Ned is being taken to the sept of Baelor. Ned is up at the sept with Joffrey, Cersei, the Hound, Varys, and Sansa.
Ned confesses to treason and Arya is super upset. Everyone in the crowd is taunting and booing. The crowd starts pelting him with stones for no good reason other than that people are assholes. The high septon makes some boring speech about mercy.
Joffrey talks about how Queen Regent Cersei and Sansa want to let Ned take the black. But they have the “soft hearts of women” according to Joffrey and he wants to be manly and so he asks Ilyn Payne to bring him Ned’s head. Varys and Cersei try to stop it, but Joffrey doesn’t listen.
At this point Arya is trying to run through the crowd and get to Ned. She can hear Sansa screaming, but can’t cut through all the hordes of people. She notices that Ilyn has Ice. Suddenly an older man grabs her out of the crowd, restrains her and keeps her from looking. She remembers that it’s Yoren. She doesn’t see Ned’s beheading.
Sorry. I couldn’t make that chapter funny.
Deaths in this recap: 10. Ulf, Conn, Lord Hornwood, Torrhen and Eddard Karstark, Daryn Hornwood, Qotho, Haggo, Cohollo and of course our first major death of the series, Eddard Stark.
Cumulative deaths: 33
Maybe deaths in this recap: 0
Cumulative maybe deaths: 1
Betrayals in this recap: 2. Since it’s pretty clear Tywin sent his son Tyrion to die, I’m calling that a betrayaled was told his life would be spared if he confessed. Joffrey went back on it.
Cumulative betrayals: 8
Incest incidents: 0
Cumulative incests: 6