Crouching Tyrion, hidden dragon(s)

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Tyrion VII, Sansa V, Eddard XV, Catelyn IX, Jon IX

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio


Tyrion VII

  Tyrion and his stank ass clan people plus Bronn ride up to Tywin Lannister’s camp.  We get two full pages about how gross and uncivilized the hill folk are.  Then we get a couple of page describing the vastness of the Lannister camp, which is set up at the crossroads.  The place where Tyrion was taken by Cat.  Masha, the innkeeper has been hung for no good reason and crows are eating her decaying corpse.  This is when we first hear the joke about Tywin shitting gold.

  Tywin does not seem to give any gold flecked shits that Tyrion hasn’t been killed.  Tywin is very cold and intimidating and is making  Tyrion nervous.  Tywin can’t wait to point out that golden (handed) child Jaime would have never been captured by a woman and they are going to war for the honor of the house.  Not Tyrion’s welfare.  Father of the year folks!

  So far the war effort has been going well for the Lannisters and Tywin isn’t very worried about Robb because he’s a green boy.  Tyrion learns that Robb is dead and Ned is a hostage.  Tywin wants Tyrion to get rid of Beric Dondarrion, Thoros and their men who are still fighting against the Lannister foraging parties.  Tyrion starts asking for armor for his hill folk to wear when Shagga bursts in and disarms the Lannister guard.  His stink is riper and stronger than the cheese they are eating.  Stop trying to make me cut back on dairy GRRM.

  Tyrion introduces the hill folk to Tywin and Tywin’s lackey/brother Kevan.  They are interrupted again to be told that the Stark army is approaching.  Tywin manipulates the hill folk into agreeing to be on the frontline and tae Tyrion with them.


Sansa V

  Sansa has been given freedom of the castle.  It means she can move around, but she has guards following her at all times.  She is attending Joffrey’s first court session.  A lot of the usuals are mysteriously absent and those that are there keep their distance from her.

  Pycelle reads off a giaganamous list of lords and ladies that are commanded to come give fealty.  it’s all the people in rebellion.  He then names Tywin the new Hand.  Cersei is named the next regent.  That’ll go well.  For turning on Ned, Janos Slynt is given the title of Lord and given Harrenhal in place of Cat’s relative and Tully bannerwoman Shella Whent who has yielded.  It’s never explained where Lady Whent went and it kind of drives me crazy.

  Then, Barristan Selmy is called forward.  Cersei fires him because he’s old and failed to keep either Robert, or Aerys before him safe.  Jaime is to be the new Lord Commander.  Selmy is super pissed that a kingslayer is taking his post.  He tosses his cloak and armor to the floor and rejects the offer of a keep to retire in.  He tells them all he could cut them if he wanted, but he won’t, he’ll just let Stannis take the throne.  Instead he tosses his sword on the ground and melodramatically storms off.

  Somebody needs to fill the KG back up to seven.  That somebody is Sandor Clegane even though he isn’t a knight.

she doesn't even go here mean girls gif

  Now it is time for people to bring their business to the king.  Sansa speaks up to ask for mercy for Ned.  Sansa blames the treason on Ned being crunk on milk of the poopy (typo and it stays).  In an obvious dog and pony show Joffrey, Cersei, Varys, Pycelle and Littlefinger all agree that Ned should get mercy if he confesses.


Eddard XV

  Ned has been in a urine soaked dungeon cell.  Ned is finally starting to get real with himself and realizing he has been naïve and trusting.  He’s mad at everyone, but most of all himself.  Yeah.  Me too.  Well, I’m not angry Ned, just disappointed.  After being left alone with no food or water for a long time, Ned is finally woken by a gaoler who offers him a jug of water.  He is delirious and dreams about his sister Lyanna and the time Rhaegar Targaryen crowned her queen of love and beauty after winning the tourney at Harrenhal.

  Finally, Varys disguised as a gaoler comes to offer Ned wine and a chat.  He informs Ned that Arya has escaped and nobody can find her and that Sansa is being watched by Cersei.  He also informs her that Tyrion is free.

  Ned asks if Varys will free him.  He says no, it wouldn’t suit him.  He desires peace and freeing Ned wouldn’t accomplish that.  He tells him that Robb is marching and Cersei has more use for a tame wolf than a dead one.  He urges Ned to confess to treason to save Sansa’s life and serve the realm.


Catelyn IX

  Catelyn, Robb and his host are marching from the neck towards the Twins.  The Twins are held by lord Walder Frey.  Frey is very old and cranky.  In most stories the prickly, mean old man is revealed to have a heart of gold under all his curmudgeonly exterior.  Not this story.  Frey is supposed to be Hoster Tully’s bannerman, but that doesn’t mean he’ll have Robb and Cat’s back.  They need his approval to cross the bridge over the Trident river.  Theon thinks they could take the Twins if they needed to.  Cat disagrees.  They have no time for a siege because Tywin is too close.

  The Blackfish comes back from a scouting mission to inform them that there’s been fighting at Riverrun and Cat’s brother Edmure has been taken prisoner.  This makes it all the more urgent that they cross the river.  Robb starts to get all impetuous and declares they’ll storm the Twins.  Cat chastises him and tells him they need to find out what Frey wants first.

  Once they get to the Twins, a dozen men led by Walder’s heir Stevron Frey come out to meet them.  After some discussion as to who should go and treat with Walder, Cat volunteers.  She enters the hall of the castle and a bajillion of his kids and grandkids are there.  Walder is on his eighth wife, who is young, so there have been many heirs.  He’s like the Larry King of Westeros.  My pop culture references are not always timely.  Sorry.

  Walder wants to dispense with all pleasantries.  Predictably, he is not receptive to opening up the bridge for nothing.  He doesn’t care about the oaths he swore to her father.  He just wants to complain about how nobody respects him or wants to marry his fugly kids.  If Walder Frey were alive today he’d right at home making angry old white man complaints in the comments section of Fox News or Yahoo.

  Finally they come to an agreement.  Frey will let them pass and offer up his swords.  Two of Frey’s grandsons are to be sent to foster at Winterfell.  Frey’s son Olyvar will serve as Robb’s squire.  Arya will marry his youngest boy Elmar and Robb has to marry a Frey girl of his choosing. All the Freys are pretty weaselly looking, so Robb isn’t too excited about it.  Sadly, he has no choice but to consent.


Jon IX

  Jon’s recovering from his wight fight.  His hand is pretty badly burned.  His blisters are as big roaches.  Gross.  Why make that comparison?  Would there even be roaches in such a cold environment?

  Jon and LC Mormont are chatting.  Mormont is pissed that there is a shitty boy king in charge.  Now nobody will take the needs of the NW seriously.  In a touching male bonding moment, Mormont gives Jon his sword Longclaw as a reward for saving his life.  Why the hell not?  Jorah is a loser and a disgrace.  It’s a Valyrian steel sword.  Mormont’s creepy anthropomorphized raven implores him to take it.  The pommel has been changed from a bear to a wolf.

  Jon thinks of the times he used to dream as a boy that he saved Ned’s life and Ned proclaimed him a true Stark and gave him Ice.  Excuse me, there’s a sudden dust storm in here and my eyes are watering.

  Mormont tells Jon that he has sent Alliser Thorne to King’s Landing with Jafer Flower’s hand to show them and convince them that shit is getting real at the Wall and they need more men.  It also has the nice side effect of separating the two of them.

  Jon’s friends want to play with Jon’s new toy.  Of course Jon gets all angsty and has to leave them.  He’s hanging out in his cell with Ghost.  Sam interrupts them to say that Maester Aemon wants to speak with Jon.

  Aemon is all philosophical.  He asks Jon if he knows why the NW vows to take no wives and father no children.  It is so they will not know love.  Love would get in the way of performing their duty to the realm.  It was so they would have no divided loyalties.

  Aemon says it is easy for a man to do his duty when there is no other choice, but it is not so easy when he has to choose between duty and something he wants or loves.  Aemon knows Jon is choosing between his NW duty and his father’s cause.  Because Aemon had to choose several times.  He had to watch from afar the destruction of his house.  He is … dun, dun, dun … Aemon Targaryen.  And he chose his NW duty every time.


Deaths in this recap: 0  It’s an uneventful stat roundup today.  Don’t worry.  It’ll get better next time.

Cumulative deaths: 23

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0 

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6



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