Sweet Jeyne is approximately screwed

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Sansa IV, Jon VIII, Bran VI, Daenerys VI, Catelyn VIII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio


Sansa IV

  Sansa has been trapped in her bedroom with Jeyne for three days.  Sansa has heard, but not seen all the carnage below.  That was on the first day.  On the second day they hear the bells clanging and Sansa figures this means Robert died.  On the third day, they bring her to have a little chat with Cersei.

  In Maegor’s holdfast Cersei is waiting with Littlefinger, Pycelle and Varys.  That can only be a good thing.  Cersei is working Sansa and being nice to her.  She hopes that Sansa has been treated nicely.  Sansa mentions that Jeyne is with her in the tower.  Uh, oh.  Lf offers to take her somewhere and keep her.  Boros Blount, the Kingsguard is sent to escort her away.  Poor Jeyne.  We won’t be hearing from her again any time soon.  Cersei tells Sansa that she is sending Jeyne away because Jeyne is clearly too upsetting for Sansa.  Cersei’s pretty good at manipulating people.  Well, naïve kids anyway.  And Ned.

  Cersei continues buttering up Sansa by telling her that she and Joffrey love her soooo much.  This pleases Sansa.  Then Cersei hits her with the news that Ned has been charged with treason.  Cersei passive aggressively wonders how she can allow a traitor’s daughter to marry her son.  Sansa protests that she loves Joffrey.  Cersei knows this.  Why else would Sansa have come to her if not for love?

  Now we travel back in time three days and learn how Sansa came to be escorted into the tower in the first place.  Sansa was still upset that she was being sent back to Winterfell and not staying to marry Joffrey.  She didn’t quite grasp why, so she went to Cersei to ask her to intervene.  Facepalm.  This is what alerted Cersei that she had to move quickly to capture and kill everyone in Ned’s household.  This is one of the most controversial parts of the series.  I’m going to just gloss over it a little.  Sansa made a mistake, she didn’t know what was happening, there was no malice.  That is all.

    Back to the present.  They all manipulate Sansa into proclaiming her loyalty to Joffrey.  They have her write out a letter to Robb proclaiming that Ned is a traitor and he needs to go to King’s Landing to declare fealty to Joffrey.  In exchange for writing the letters she thinks she gets to marry Joffrey and keep her family safe. 



  Jon, Sam and everyone learn that the corpses ghost found belonged to Othor and Jafer Flowers.  Men that had gone with Benjen on his ranging.  Not a good sign for old Benji.  The creepy atmosphere is still abounding even though it’s warm out and not white walker weather at all.

  Sam is afraid to look at the corpses, but Jon tells him to stop being such a wimp and do his job as Aemon’s eyes.  Meanwhile LC Mormont is scolding the ranger Ser Jaremy Rykker for letting two men get slaughtered so close to the Wall without anyone noticing.  They speculate it was Mance Rayder and that Benjen is slain as well.  They put the time of death as a day ago.

  Sam however, begs to differ.  He has noticed that the stump of his wrist where ghost tore the hand off hasn’t bled.  This means the corpses are old.  It’s mysterious (and gross) though, because they don’t smell of rot, they don’t have maggots and no animals have eaten at them.  Chett, who has been reassigned to the kennels is ordered to bring the dogs closer.  The dogs won’t go anywhere near the corpses.

  Creepier and creepier.  They notice there isn’t blood everywhere, so they must have been killed somewhere else.  They also notice that they have blue eyes.  They didn’t when they were alive.  Some of the rangers want the corpses burned.  Mormont wants them investigated and orders them brought back to the Wall.  The horses won’t accept the corpses on their backs.  OK NW,  If the dogs and the horses won’t get anywhere these corpses, maybe it’s a bad sign.  Right?  No?  They fashion slings from branches and drag the corpses back to the wall. 

  Later on, a raven arrives at the Wall with a message.  Everybody is looking at Jon funny.  Finally Pyp tells Jon that the king is dead.  Poor Jon thinks this means Ned will be returning to Winterfell and he can visit and find out who his mother is.  He goes to Mormont’s solar and Mormont asks him to pour glasses of wine for each of them.  They need to talk.  That’s bad enough to hear in real life.  In Westeros, that’s a really bad thing to hear.  You’ll see.

  Mormont breaks it to Jon that Ned is charged with treason.  Jon’s all upset about this and doesn’t think it could be true.  Mormont just hopes Ned will be sent to the Wall because they need someone of his caliber.  Real sensitive Old Bear.  He has a point.  But still, it’s a shitty thing to say.  Mormont tells Jon he hopes he isn’t going to do anything stupid and stresses that his old life is finished and his duty is at the Wall now.

  Later in the dining hall, Jon’ friends are expressing support for him.  However, he overhears Alliser Thorne making fun of him and calling him a traitor’s bastard.  Jon lunges to attack Alliser and everyone has to separate them.  “Hold me back, bro!”  Jon gets in trouble for this and is confined to his cell.

  Later that night Ghost wakes him up pawing at the door.  He’s snarling and the air is really cold.  Jon opens the door and finds his guard dead on the floor.  Ghost leads Jon up to Mormont’s chamber.  There is dead Othor.  Poised to attack.  He cuts off Othor’s hand and the hand moves by itself and grabs him.  Ew!  Othor tries to choke Jon by shoving his icy fingers down his throat.  Ghost pulls him off.  Mormont’s raven says “Burn, burn, burn!”  Jon takes the lamp and lights the curtains on fire and whipped them at Othor.


Bran VI

  Robb has called his banners and the different Lords and their people are streaming into Winterfell.  Maester Luwin tells Bran that Robb will be marching south soon.  This is upsetting for Bran but Luwin tells him Robb must greet Lord Karstark the latest and last arrival and won’t have time for him.  Awww.

  Bran has Hodor take him to the godswood.  Summer accompanies them.  He sends Hodor to soak at pools while Bran reflects by the heart tree.  Bran remembers a recent night when Lord Greatjon Umber threatened to leave if he wasn’t placed first in the marching order.  Robb told him to go home and after the war they’d come and get him and hang him as an oathbreaker.  Umber pitched a fit and Robb sicked Grey Wind on him.  Grey Wind bit off two of his fingers.  For some reason this act of manly macho bonding made them besties.  Later that night, Robb came to Bran’s room to confess how scared he’d been.

  Back in the present, Osha, who is wearing chains on her ankles interrupts Bran’s prayers just as the leaves are spookily rustling.  Osha tells him the rustling is the Old Gods answering him.  She tells him that Robb shouldn’t be marching south.  The Old Gods can’t watch him there because the weirwood trees are cut down in the south. 

  Hodor interrupts them.  He’s naked and swinging his big schlong around.  Osha remarks that he must be giant.  Bran says that Maester Luwin told him that giants were extinct.  Osha begs to differ.  She tells him that there are not only giants beyond the Wall, but Others and wights.  She advises Bran to tell Robb he’s marching the wrong way.  Later on, Luwin tells Bran all her stories are bullshit.  OK Lu.

  Two days later, Robb and his host march south.


Daenerys VI

  Dany is trying, unsuccessfully to persuade Khal Drogo to cross the Narrow Sea and invade Westeros.  Drogo doesn’t quite get it.  He doesn’t understand the need for an “iron chair” and thinks the sea is poisoned and evil because horses can’t drink it.  The Dothraki are really afraid of the sea and travelling it.  Jorah later councils Dany to be patient and they decide to go gal pal it up and shop at the western market.  This is why you’re in the dreaded friendzone Jorah!  I kid, I kid.

  Once they get there, Jorah leaves Dany and the rest of the group to seek out the captain and see if any letters have arrived for them.  They come upon a wine merchant.  When Doreah tells the merchant he is addressing Daenerys, he offers her a special wine from the Arbor where the best wine comes from.  He gives her a cask, when Jorah appears out of nowhere and tells her not to take it.

  He commands the wine merchant to open the cask.  The merchant hedges, but Jorah threatens him into pouring some.  Jorah tries to get the wineseller to taste it.  Instead of complying, he runs off.  Jhogo catches the wine merchant by the leg with his whip and the Dothraki take him to meet the Khal.  Jorah says he knew the wine was poisoned because of a letter from Ilyrio.  he leaves it at that.

  Dany is super pissed. She thinks that the Usurper has awoken the dragon and he will be sorry.  Ha ha Dany.  He’s already dead!  She has Jorah light a fire and puts her dragon eggs in.  The fire doesn’t harm the eggs at all.

  Later Drogo comes home from his hunt with the pelt of a white lion for Dany.  He is so enrage when he learns of the assassination that he decides he will win the “iron chair” for Rhaego after all.  The next day, the Khalasar starts west.  They chained the wineseller to Dany’s saddle and leave him to run naked after it until he can’t keep up anymore and gets dragged to his death.  Yay happy ending!


Catelyn VIII

  Cat and Blackfish ride to Moat Cailin escorted by Robb’s bannermen Lord Wyman Manderly’s sons Wlyis and Wendel.  Both of the Manderly brothers are morbidly obese, although Wyman is even bigger and can’t even ride a horse.  Robb has temporarily set up camp in Moat Cailin.  An abandoned fort in the neck, separating the north and south.  It’s the old broke down stronghold of the First Men.  It’s also a little bit creepy and said to be haunted by ghosts of northerners who long for southron blood.  It’s also impenetrable from the south because it’s surrounded by bogs.

  Inside, Robb is sitting with his advisors.  Greatjon Umber and Roose Bolton who is intimidating, speaks in whispers and has icy creepy eyes.  Not suspicious at all.  Robb inquires about Ser Rodrick Cassel and she informs him she’s sent him back to Winterfell to act as Castellan.  She also has to break the news to the northern lords that her crazy ass sister let Tyrion go.

  Catelyn asks everyone to leave so she and Robb can dine alone.  She can’t quite believe her kid is leading men to war.  In a moment I find incredibly cute and sweet Robb asks her if she’s going to send him back to Winterfell.  Cat wants to, but knows she can’t because if he gets sent home by mommy none of the bannermen will take him seriously ever again.

  They talk battle strategy for a bit.  Sorry, this stuff is boring to me.  Read it yourself if you want the details.  Afterwards Robb is about to send her with an escort back to Winterfell.  She tells him, no she is going with them to visit Riverrun.


Deaths in this recap: 1  The wine merchant.  Not named, but he’s important enough to be included.

Cumulative deaths: 23

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0  There’s an implied betrayal here, but I’m waiting until it’s confirmed.  No I’m not putting Sansa in here.

Cumulative betrayals: 6

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6


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