So many twincest babies, so little time
Book I am reading: AGOT
Chapters: Jon VI, Tyrion VI, Eddard XI, SansaIII
Booze in my flagon: Malbec
Before I get started I would like to make a completely unrelated complaint. Why, oh why did the Lifetime Movie Network stop showing movies? It is such a great Saturday and/or Sunday afternoon pastime to loaf on the coach and watch movies about stalkers and angsty teens. Now they are showing true crime shows. Why? ID does it better so what is even the point. From the LMN Facebook page, I gather that fans are pissed and the network won’t address it. Why do networks do that? Oh well. Time to get back on topic.
Alliser Thorne still thinks his recruits are worthless. However, it is time to make way for fresh new thieves and rapers so it is time to graduate some people from the ballet school into the company. Just like the Center Stage cast, they are now the real deal. Among the lucky fellows are Jon, Grenn, Pyp, Dareon and Toad. Not Sam obviously. He sucks. Alliser tells them they are all going to die when winter comes and dismisses himself from class. Alliser Thorne reminds me of Mr. Hand from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Everyone is celebrating except Sam who feels left out and Jon who just can’t help himself. He just has to angst about Benjen still being missing. Those two. Always harshing everyone’s mellow.
Later on Jon goes for a horseback ride and contemplates backing out of the NW before he takes his vows. Ultimately he decides he’s got nothing better to do with his life and decides to stick it out. He knows he has no place at Winterfell and his mom didn’t want him either. That part is sad and this time I can’t really make fun of him for the angst. While riding back to Castle Black he devises a scheme.
Jon goes to visit Maester Aemon. The Steward Chett answers the door. Chett has a face covered in boils and pimples including something the size of a pigeon egg on his neck. Gross! Surely somebody this hideous also has a bad personality. Sure enough Chett is cranky. He always is. He tries to keep Jon out by telling him he’s in bed. Jon doesn’t care about an old man’s rest because his business is too important. Everything turns out OK though. He wasn’t even asleep anyway.
Jon is there to ask Aemon to pull some strings and get Sam graduated into the NW too. He explains that Sam will never ever be able to fight and further training is futile and uses an allegory about the Maester’s chains which are made of different metals to pretty much say “it takes all kinds.” Sam will never be a warrior, but he could be a steward because the Watch is pretty short on literate, educated people and Sam is a nerd so he’d probably be good at helping Aemon out with math, writing and tending the ravens. If I hadn’t mentioned Aemon is really old and blind so that nerd stuff will come in handy. Aemon makes no promises but compliments Jon on his intelligence so we all know how it’s going to turn out.
Tyrion and Bronn are well into their journey down the mountains of the Vale. Tyrion wants to get a nice fire going. Bronn is against it because it will draw the mountain clans down. Tyrion would rather die comfortable by a fire than get killed trying to race down the mountain at night so he asks Bronn to hunt down some game. They strike up a heartwarming deal. They will ride together and Bronn will protect Tyrion. However, this is because Tyrion is rich and will match the price of any enemy to keep his protection going. Bronn wants to make it clear that they are not real friends and he does not love Tyrion. No homo!
With their understanding settled, they settled in for dinner and sleep. Even though they are totally not friends, they chat like two teenaged girls at a sleepover. Tyrion tells the tale of his first love Tysha. When he was 13 years old he and Jaime were riding home to Casterly Rock from Lannisport when they saw a young girl running out to the road and screaming. She was being chased by two pervs. Jaime chased them into the woods and Tyrion comforted Tysha who was an orphaned crofter’s daughter. While Jaime went off to catch the would be rapers Tyrion took Tysha to an inn to feed her. They ended up getting drunk and having sex.
Tyrion and Tysha decided they want to get married so they bribed a drunk septon to do it. In the morning drunk septon fessed up to Tywin and boy howdy was Tyrion in trouble. Tywin made Jaime confess that Tysha was actually whore. Here’s where things get incredibly disturbing. Tywin had all his guards rape her while Tyrion watched. Then he had Tyrion rape her too. I guess now we have some insight into the dysfunctionality of the Lannister siblings.
Finally the sleepover friends drift off to sleep. Or Tyrion does anyway. Until Bronn wakes him up. The feared mountain clansmen have arrived. Side note; it’s impossible to type clansmen without thinking klansmen, Yuck.
Anyway, these hillbillies are named Gunthor son of Gurn, Shagga so of Dolf and a bunch of other names. Of course the Stone Crows want to mug and kill them. But of course, Tyrion wins them over with pithy remarks and promises to give them the Vale of Arryn. I guess it doesn’t occur to them that Tyrion probably can’t keep this promise because it totally works.
Ned has to sit in the uncomfortable stabby Iron Throne and hold court because Robert is away on his hunt even though things in Westeros are going to shit. Both Riverrun and Casterly Rock have called their banners. Gregor Clegane and a bunch of other Lannister brigands have been raiding towns killing pretty much everyone and burning everything. Nice. The brigands weren’t flying any banner but it’s kind of hard to hide who Gregor is. Pycelle tries to steer everyone away from believing that Tywin had anything to do with this. That’s not suspicious at all. Nope. Nothing to see here.
As Eddard is about to decide how to dispense justice, Loras Tyrell comes forward, eager to go hunt Gregor down. Instead, Ned sends a lord named Beric Dondarrion. This is important detail that you’ll need to file away for later. With Beric goes several others including Thoros of Myr and twenty of Ned’s men. Loras is terribly disappointed and Varys pretty much calls Ned stupid for not currying favor with Tyrells by sending him.
Sansa (who had been observing court) and Jeyne Poole are discussing the tragedy of Loras not being allowed to go hunt down Gregor. Sansa thinks Ned’s crankiness comes from his hurt leg and it’s making him delusional or something. Erm, OK? Earlier, on the way out of court Sansa was complaining to Septa Mordane about this troubling turn of events when who should sidle up to them? Littlefinger of course. He agrees with her that Loras should have been sent, but not because of his dreamy knightness. He strokes her cheek and tells her life is not a song. Unsurprisingly, Sansa was skeeved by this. Methinks Westeros would have benefitted from To Catch a Predator. Outdate pop culture reference FTW!
Anyway, back to the present, Jeyne is pretty warm for Beric’s form and thinks he’s just as gallant as Loras. Sansa thinks he’s old because he’s 22. Um…no comment. Sansa thinks she is stupid because even a minor lord wouldn’t want to marry a steward’s daughter. They gossip about Joffrey and Arya for awhile. Then they went to eat leftover strawberry pie. I notice that for all of GRRM’s food porn, the characters never seem to eat anything with chocolate. Maybe cocoa plants don’t grow there? So many things suck about Westeros but the lack of chocolate might be the worst. I’m such a girl right now. Blogging about chocolate and Sansa and drinking wine with a cat curled up next to me.
At breakfast Sansa tells Arya about Gregor’s unsavory activities and the men who were sent for Gregor’s head. Arya points out that Jaime should have been beheaded for killing Jory and the Hound should be beheaded for killing Mycah. Of course, Sansa defends the Hound and of course Arya gets pissed and throws her orange at Sansa’s face. Septa Mordane sends them both to their rooms.
Later Ned calls Sansa into his room for a talk. She also brings Arya in. Not to talk about their fight though. He tells them they are being sent back to Winterfell. Both girls are upset. Sansa wants to marry Joffrey (ick) and Arya wants to keep training with Syrio. Their pleas end up with Sansa pointing out that Joffrey is nothing like his fat drunken father. That sure gives Ned pause.
Pycelle is “treating” Ned by trying to keep him stoned off his ass on
heroin milk of the poppy. Ned isn’t having it. He then tells Ned that Tywin is pissed off about Ned sending people after Gregor. Ned informs Pycelle that he does not have a single fuck to give and Pycelle hobbles off. Presumably to report back to Cersei.
Ned has figured out the secret that Cersei is covering up, but he isn’t letting us in on it yet. TELL US NED!!! Ned tells one of his men to deliver a note to Cersei to meet him in the godswood. He tells her knows
what she did last summer the truth Jon Arryn died for. Cersei mentions Jaime and Ned taes the opportunity to ask her if her brother is also her lover. Ew. Of course we know that he is.
Finally, finally! Ned comes out and says it. All three of Cersei’s kids are Jaimes, not Robert’s. You see, that’s what Jon Arryn’s final words “the seed is strong” mean. All of the Baratheons always had black hair and all Cersei’s kids are blonde. A geneticist or Maury Povich would tell you that isn’t the greatest evidence. But this is fantasy and it is good for Ned in light of Sansa’s observation.
Cersei is very happy that all her kids belong to Jaime. Robert is pretty lame, but geez Cersei HE. IS. YOUR. FRAKKING. BROTHER! Cersei also admits that the only time she got pregnant by Robert she got a abortion. Ned wants to know why Cersei hated Robert so much. It’s because on their wedding night Robert got wasted and called her “Lyanna” when they were consummating. I actually can’t blame her for being so angry. Remember on Friends when Ross was marrying Emily and he said “I take thee Rachel?” It’s like that.
Ned tells Cersei that he will tattle on her when Robert comes back from hunting. He advises her to leave the country with her kids. She brings up the time he could have taken the Iron Throne for himself when he took KL for Robert. Then she says one of the more famous lines from the series: “When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.” Take note Ned.
I know that from a storytelling standpoint, this conversation needed to happen. Still, I feel like neither of them would have been quite so candid with the other in reality. Oh well. It was still really awesome.
If I don’t end up with anything to do tomorrow I’ll be back to cover the chapters where the shit finally starts to hit the fan.
Deaths in this recap: 0 Don’t worry. There are a bunch set up for the next entry.
Cumulative deaths: 14
Betrayals in this recap: 1 Tywin was a terrible father today.
Cumulative betrayals: 4
Incest incidents: 3. Cersei admits all her kids are the product of twincest so I’m counting them all even though it was in the past.
Cumulative incests: 6