Smack My Viserys Up

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Daenerys IV, Bran V, Tyrion V, Eddard X, Catelyn VII

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet – sauvignon


Daenerys IV

  Dany and the khalasar enter the Dothraki city of Vaes Dothrak.  Holy shit there are a lot of words the spell check doesn’t recognize there.   There are gates but no walls or buildings.  Viserys has been on horseback again.  His punishment for threatening Dany had been to walk behind the khalasar.  The Dothraki nicknamed him the “Sorefoot King.”  Since his royal wussiness couldn’t keep up, he got offered a place in the cart.  Unfortunately for Viserys, the cart is for eunuchs, cripples and women in labor.  This earned him the new nickname of Khal Rhaggat aka the Cart King.  Haha.  Viserys sucks.  Dany for some reason takes pity on him, doesn’t tell him he’s being mocked and sexes up Drogo until he lets him ride the horse again.

  They ride past all sorts of statues that have been stolen from the cities the Dothraki sacked.  This always reminds me of Return to Oz when Dorothy goes back to Oz and it’s in ruins.  If anyone cares, that movie is not canon at all.  Not even a little.

  Viserys, never one to have learned his lesson keeps trashing the Dothraki to Dany.  Once he is out of earshot Jorah says that Viserys should have stayed in Pentos.  He doesn’t belong with the khalasar.  You don’t say Jorah?  Jorah also expresses skepticism that Viserys is capable of conquering Westeros.  We also learn from Jorah that the Dothraki are far superior to Westeros armies in open battle, but Westrosi are better at siege craft.  We’ll probably need to know this much, much, much, much later.

  Then Jorah loses most of the book readers by expressing his hatred Ned Stark.  Um, Jorah?  It isn’t Ned’s fault you decided to FRAKKING TRADE SLAVES.  Jorah is a bitter bitch though, so he doesn’t quite grasp this.

  As everyone settles in, they must surrender their weapons.  In Vaes Dothrak, warring khalasars are at peace and they are all one blood.  It is against their religion to spill any blood here.

  Dany takes a bath and asks Doreah to invite Viserys over for dinner.  Viserys sort of tolerates Doreah more than the Dothraki.  Because she’s white and because Ilyrio let him do her back in Pentos.  Dany has gifts for Viserys.  A fancy brand spanking new Dothraki outfit.  All of his silk Westeros clothes is all gross and doesn’t travel well.  Viserys storms in an is all pissy because “nobody commands the dragon.”  He punched Doreah in the eye for requesting his presence at supper.  Seriously.  What an asshole.  Dany tries to smooth things over but the Dothraki outfit just pisses him off more.  Why next she’ll suggest he braid his hair.  The horrors!  Dany points he has no victories and therefore has no right to a braid.  Snap, snap, snap in a z formation!

  This sends Viserys into rage spasms and he threatens her and her fetus.  So she straight up smacks him in the face with a bronze belt.  In your mind you should be   Viserys’ cheek is bleeding so technically Dany is breaking the rules here, but since I don’t care about religious customs I’m willing to overlook.  Especially since nobody else ever cares about this.  Viserys storms off and Dany goes to sleep snuggling her dragon eggs.


Bran V

  Bran is riding his horse Dancer on his special new saddle.  He is accompanied by Robb and Theon, Summer, Grey Wind and some guards and Joseth the stable guy.  Maester Luwin also comes with in case Bran falls and needs medical attention.  For some undisclosed reason he is riding a donkey instead of a horse like everybody else.  This is bizarre.  I went horseback riding once and I’m a total city girl.  It isn’t that hard.

  Theon is being smarmy as usual and he tries to talk about his sexy times with a girl named Kyra (we’ll see her again later).  Robb cuts him off because of Bran’s young delicate ears.  Robb is giving me some Tipper Gore vibes right now.  Theon responds with his patented shit eating grin.

  To further distract Bran from Theon’s debauched ways, Robb decides they should race.  Finally they slow and have a brother-brother chat about how the wolves were restless and howling the night before.  The talk turns dark.  We learn that word has reached Winterfell of Benjen’s disappearance, Catelyn’s arrest of Tyrion and most recently the slaughter of Jory and Ned’s other men.  Ned’s leg is shattered and he is in a coma.  It is hinted that there might be a war pretty soon.

  Theon rolls up on them and points out that Robb can call the banners if Ned dies.  Very sensitive of you Theon.  All the unpleasant subject matter has spoiled the day and Bran wants to go home.  Robb and Bran go out to look for the wolves.  They ride off away from the others and hear the wolves howling.  Robb rides off to get them and leaves Bran alone.

  Suddenly, a Night’s Watch deserter and some wildlings appear.  They want to rob Bran and make fun of him for being a cripple.  Bran tries to threaten them by identifying himself as a Stark but this just gets them more riled.  Then Robb comes back to the rescue.  Robb seems outnumbered.  Until the direwolves bound up to the attackers.  There is some gory fighting.  Finally, four of the six attackers are dead.  Robb is fighting the wildling woman called Osha and one of the men has a knife to Bran’s throat.

  There is a tense stand off.  Until Theon comes out of nowhere and shoots the man with an arrow.  Osha, now outnumbered is a hostage.  Theon is awfully proud of himself but Robb is pissed off for acting without getting orders.  I’m actually on Theon’s side with this one.  Anyway, all is well and they go back to Winterfell.


Tyrion V 

  Tyrion has been in the sky cells of the Eyrie. They are open air.  They’re carved in the wall of the cliff so there’s no escape.  To make matters worse, there is a slight incline so one can never sleep easy for fear of rolling out of the cell.  I’m not even afraid of heights and that’s really scary.  They tend to drive prisoners insane and they often just jump.  Another fun feature is the guard Mord.  He’s big stupid and mean and is making Tyrion’s life miserable.

  Tyrion was placed in these cells after being brought in front of Lysa and Robert.  Robert was way to excited at the prospect of sending Tyrion out the moon door, a door that opens out to the cliff.  Executions are done via moon door instead of beheading and hanging like everywhere else.  Cat tries to be the voice of reason and gets Tyrion put in the cells instead.

  After several days Tyrion bribes Mord into telling Lysa he wants to confess.  It works and Tyrion is summoned to the great hall to face Lysa, Robert and all the Vale lords.  Bronn is there too.  Of course, Tyrion does not confess to the murder of Jon or the attempted murder of Bran.  He gets all snarky and confesses to the mischiefs he has done throughout his life.  Of course, this makes Lysa want to Hulk smash everything with her inappropriately milk-filled boobs. 

  Now that Tyrion is in public, he is able to exercise his right to a trial.  He wants a trial by combat and wants to call Jaime.  They won’t allow that though, because it would take forever to get him to the Eyrie.  It is decided that Ser Vardis Egen will be Lysa’s champion.  In a sort of but not really surprising twist, Bronn offers to act as Tyrion’s champion.


Eddard X

  The good news is, this chapter’s short so you won’t have to read too much.  The bad news is, it starts with a dream sequence.  Apologies.  I’ll do my best.

  In the dream Ned and his bannermen are riding to the Tower of Joy where the Kingsguard are guarding Lyanna Stark.  Lots of guys are with Ned, but the most important one is Howland Reed, lord of Greywater Watch in the Neck (the marshy bit right on the border with the south.  As a Minnesotan, I am reminded of the Boundary Waters).  There are seven of them but the 3 KG they face are formidable.  They are Arthur Dayne, Oswell Whent and Gerold Hightower.  Arthur Dayne as a really cool and famous sword called Dawn.  It’s pale and shiny and possibly magical.

  Ned wonders why the KG haven’t fled with Willem Darry, Viserys and Dany.  However, as Gerold points out the KG don’t flee.  This, dear reader is a big clue to one of the central mysteries of the series.  You probably already know this, but if you don’t take some time to reflect after this chapter.  Or just Google Tower of Joy.  Whichever. 

  They fight.  Lyanna screams Ned’s name.  Ned whispers “I promise” and wakes up in the Tower of the Hand.  Phew!  Dream sequence recap is over for now.

  We learn that Jaime has fled the city back to the Lannisters home Casterly Rock.  Robert and Cersei have come to visit Ned even though he’s still groggy and high on milk of the poppy.

  Cersei is acting bitchy.  Because of course she is.  Robert just seems annoyed at all the trouble.  He’s pissed at Ned and Cersei for arguing with other.  Robert is so lazy. 

  Ned learns that Littlefinger was vague about their errand at the brothel so he tells Robert right in front of Cersei that they were seeing Robert’s bastard.  Damn.  That’s pretty cold.  Funny though!  Cersei wears her poker face but you know she’s pissed.

  They all fight more.  Robert still doesn’t want to take a side so Cersei gets all kinds of mad and Robert DVs her.  I want to slap Cersei too, but I still think this is unacceptable behavior on Robert’s part.  Robert sends Cersei away so they can have what passes for male bonding in Westeros.  Robert reinstates Ned as hand of the king and informs him he is going on a hunt the next day.


Catelyn VII

  Word has reached the Eyrie that Jaime is gathering troops at Casterly Roc.  Cat and Rodrick are discussing it.  War is looking more inevitable by the chapter.  Catelyn’s a little grumpy because Lysa is being selfish and won’t send anyone from the Vale to help defend Riverrun.  Cat goes to talk to Lysa.  She is worried about the trial, but Lysa is super confident her champion will win and Tyrion will be sentenced to death.

  Now it is time for the trial.  Vardis Egen is all dressed up in fancy armor.  Bronn is just about armor free.  It really looks like Bronn is at a disadvantage here guys.  Cat remembers the time Littlefinger foolishly challenged Brandon Stark to a duel for Cat’s heart.  LF lost in a big way but Cat begged Brandon to spare his life.

  Of course, here in an official trial by combat there will be no sparing of lives.  Vardis and Bronn fight and what do you know?  Bronn turns out to have the advantage because he isn’t weighed down by tons of armor and Vardis is extra arrogant.  Bronn wins to nobody’s surprise.  Lysa, according to the laws of Westeros has to let Tyrion.  Sad trombone for Lysa!


Deaths in this recap: 3  Hali and Stiv are the only named ones of the party that attacked Bran.  Then we have Vardis.

Cumulative deaths: 14

Betrayals in this recap: None

Cumulative betrayals: 3

Incest incidents: None

Cumulative incests: 3

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