Water dancing and Dothraki Sea prancing

Book I am reading:  A Game Of Thrones

Chapters:  Arya II, Daenerys III, Bran IV, Eddard V

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot noir

Arya II

  Everybody is talking about the tourney.  Sansa really wants Ned to let her go but Arya doesn’t have any fucks to give about it.  Sansa say she wouldn’t be wanted anyway and Ned tells them to stop fighting.  Arya sulks for a little while.  She’s still upset about Lady and Myah.  She storms off and locks herself in her bedroom.

  Arya digs in her trunk until she finds needle.  Because a totally normal stress response for a child is to go get a sword.  Fat Tom the steward tries to get her out, then Septa Mordane does, but Arya isn’t having it.

  Finally, as Arya is considering running away (cue the Soul Asylum song) Ned comes to the door.  Ned seems a little concerned that Arya has a real sword.  They end up having a heartfelt talk.  Arya blames herself for Mycah’s death and Ned assures her she isn’t to blame.  They hug and I swear I’m not crying there’s just dust in the air.  They both agree that Cersei and Joffrey are assholes.  For some reason they don’t include King Robert in the asshole parade.  Then Arya reveals that she had to throw rocks at Nymeria to drive her away.  NO.  NOT CRYING.  NOT ME.  NOT EVER ME.

  Ned tells Arya to remember that winter is coming and the Stark family needs to look out for one another.  He says one of my favorite quotes in the series “When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.”  I guess I’m just a commie like that.

  A few days later, Arya is summoned.  A mysterious man tells her he is her new dancing master.  Don’t worry, it isn’t an Abby Lee Miller thing.  He is a sword fighting instructor from the free city of Braavos.  His name his Syrio Forel and he is awesome.

Daenerys III

  The khalasar is riding through the Dothraki sea, a humongous swath of grasslands.  Dany tells Jorah to have everybody stay and wait for her while she goes off alone to explore the grasslands.  She reminisces about the beginning of the journey when she’s all sore from riding day in and day out, Drogo ignores all day and spends his evening drinking with his buddies.  Then he comes to her tent late at night for some rough sex that she doesn’t enjoy at all.  Nice.  She has some weird dream about turning into fire and the next day the pain is gone.  Riding is better and now the sex is more fun.

  Back to the present.  Dany is enjoying the scenery and I am reminded of the opening credits of Little House on the Prairie when they’re running down the hill.  All of a sudden, Viserys busts in Nellie Olson style in a bitchy mood and ruins the mood.  He’s enraged because she halted the khalasar and who is she to order him around?  He also doesn’t approve that she’s starting to dress like a dothraki.  He calls her a horselord’s slut.  What!?  Let’s just take a moment to remember that Viserys and Ilyrio were the ones to broker the marriage to Drogo.  She didn’t even want to do it.  What a toolbox.

  Viserys is all up in Dany’s face so she pushes him away.  This is the first time she ever defied him and he is uber pissed. He almost had to back up his tough talk, but luckily the Dothraki interrupt and Jhogo grabs Viserys with his whip.  That’s just amazing.  Viserys is crying and about to get choked right out but Dany calls Jhogo off.  For punishment Viserys has his horse taken away and he has to walk with the kids and old people.  Embarrassing!

  Jorah starts talking trash about how lame Viserys is.  Dany thinks of him as the last dragon but Jorah calls him a shadow of a snake.  It finally dawns on her that Viserys sucks and he would make a terrible king.  Not that it matters because he could never take the throne anyway.  That night, Dany finally makes Drogo look at her face while they’re doing it.  They did this outside in the middle of the camp.

  Non-doggy style sex must have magic fertility powers because she ends up preggers.

Bran IV

  Bran is watching Rickon and the wolves playing.  He is said because he’s paralyzed and can’t join in.  At least he has Old Nan who wants to tell him a story.  He likes scary stories so she tells him about the Others.  They came during a time thousands of years ago when it was night for a generation.  The Others were killing everyone.  The Last Hero sought out the Children of the Forest who were still alive and well in Westeros for help.  Nan doesn’t get to finish the story because Maester Luwin and Hodor interrupt.

  Hodor is a gentle giant with echolalia.  His name is really Walder but all he ever says his Hodor so that’s what everybody calls him.  Hodor hodored.  Luwin informs Bran that he has a visitor.  It’s Tyrion.

  Hodor carries Bran downstairs.  Robb is being gracious to the NW but frosty to Tyrion.  Tyrion mocks Robb by saying that Jon is more courteous and more like Ned.  Tyrion gives them plans for a special saddle that will allow Bran to ride horses again.  Rickon busts in and he has the direwolves with him.  The wolves all hate Tyrion.  Suspicious!  Robb and Bran call their wolves off.  Rickon eventually does too.  Robb starts to feel like an ass for being rude before.

  Later Bran has a nightmare about gargoyles.  It’s creepy.  When he wakes up, Hodor is looming over him.  Hodor takes him down to the great hall where dinner is happening.  Yoren informs Bran that Benjen is missing.  Because Yoren is super tactful he nonchalantly proclaims that Yoren must be dead.  Robb has no self control so he leaps up with his hand on the hilt of his sword and shouts “do you hear me?  My uncle is not dead!”  Yoren just says “whatever you say m’lord.” and goes back to eating meat,  Yoren rules.

  Later, Robb tucks Bran into bed and they’re sad together.

Eddard V

  Ned is visiting Maester Pycelle.  He starts yammering on about summers past like old folk always do.  Ned wants to know about Jon Arryn’s final days.  He got sick quickly.  His last words to Lysa were “the seed is strong.”  Pycelle says that he doesn’t think there is anything suspicious about the death and Lysa is just cray.  Then Ned asks about the book that Jon had borrowed from Pycelle just before he died.  He promises to have it sent.

  He leaves and runs into Arya who is practicing balancing on her toes.  They talk about Bran.  Arya wants to know if Bran will still get to be a knight.  Ned has to say no but he can do other things like build castles or become high septon.  Arya wants to know if she can do those things.  Ned is a patriarchal buzzkill and condemns her to a life of housewifeness.

  Later on, Ned gets a visit from Littlefinger.  LF gives him the names of some people Ned should interview.  He also points out to him some spies of Varys and some spies for Cersei.  He tells Ned not to trust anybody, including himself.  Of course Ned heeds that advice.  Psych!  No he doesn’t.

Deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative deaths: 6

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 2

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 2

All zeroes again.  Step it up George!