What are eunuch sexy times like?

Book I am reading:  A Game Of Thrones

Chapters:  Catelyn IV, Jon IV, Eddard IV, Tyrion III

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

Catelyn IV

  Catelyn and Rodrik arrive in King’s Landing.  Poor Rodrik has been seasick the whole time.  His beard got so stank from being puked on all the time that he had to shave them off.  I like GRRM’s attention to detail, it really makes the world feel real but you do not want to read these books while you eat.

  Cat starts to reminisce about Petyr Baelish nicknamed, Littlefinger.  He was her father Hoster’s ward.  LF is kind of a nouveau riche type.  He’s from a family that is noble but just barely.  LF has been climbing the ranks because he’s very smart.  He didn’t used to be though.  When he was a teenager he was a classic fedora clad nice guy.  He was hopelessly in love with Cat and challenged her fiancé Brandon Stark to a duel.  Brandon kicked LF’s pubescent ass and spared his life because Catelyn begged him to.  Brandon got killed by Aerys, Cat married Ned, LF was humiliated and the rest is really, really depressing history.

  Catelyn, having settled at an inn hears a knock on the door.  It’s some gold cloaks, the police force of the city.  They are summoning her to meat with LF.  It’s a little creepy, because it’s not like she posted on Facebook that she was coming to town.  He just knew.  A tip from me to you Petyr; stalking = gross.

  Catelyn finds Littlefinger fedoraing in a tower and wants to know why he thought it would be OK to summon her like a serving wench.  He appears contrite and blames Varys for being the creeper that knows she’s in town.  He informs her that Varys aka the Spider knows everything and has informants known as the “little birds” who tell him everything.

  There’s a knock on the door.  Speak of the spider!  It’s none other than Varys.  He’s wearing a gold robe over purple silk with pointed velvet slippers.  That’s some 1970’s Beverly Hills awesomeness.  Less appealing are his soft moist hands.  I reiterate, don’t read this book while eating.  Stinky cheese people will happen later. 

  Besides having a great fashion sense, Varys is a eunuch.  Hence the title of this post.  My friends and I wondered what happened during eunuch sex and speculated that instead of ejaculate there was a dry puff of air.  That is something I find hilarious, but unfortunately it isn’t true.  Stuff comes out, there just isn’t any sperm.

  Anyways…Varys gives Cat a bunch of platitudes about Bran and then he finally gets to the point and asks to see the dagger that was used to almost murder him.  LF claims not to know about this dagger.  Somehow I don’t buy it.  Cat busts out the dagger and dun dun dun!  LF says “it’s mine.”  It turns out that LF backed Jaime in a tourney.  Jaime lost to Loras Tyrell.  Tyrion, who had backed Loras won the knife from Littlefinger.  Oh, my!

Jon IV

  Jon is at Castle Black.  He’s training in swordfighting by sparring with all the other NW trainees.  They are total plebes and Jon is easily beating them.  This is turning him into a cocky prick. 

  Alliser Thorne who is responsible for training the noobs tells Jon that he ain’t all that.  It’s not that Jon wins.  The others lose.  Jon, who he derisively calls Lord Snow grew up in a castle and had a master of arms (stank beard Rodrik) training him.  All the other guys were peasants who never even held a sword.  Allisers animosity gives Jon the emos.  Jon also has a case of the emos because Benjen left Castle Black to lead a ranging beyond the wall and he wouldn’t let Jon go because he’s too green.  Bad ass armorer Donal Noye sets Jon straight about his snootiness.

  Jon goes up to the top of the wall to angst some more and he runs into Tyrion and they exchange some gossip.  Benjen has already been gone for a couple of weeks and there is talk about how a lot of rangers have been disappearing lately.  Tyrion remains skeptical about any supernatural explanations.

  Jon and Tyrion go back inside and find that Jon has been summoned by LC Mormont.  A raven has arrived with the message that Bran has woken up and is going to live.  This causes Jon to lighten up a little bit and be nice to his fellow recruit.  He offers to teach his usual opponent Grenn some of his tricks.  He also insults Alliser.  Alliser is not pleased.  This will probably come up again.

Eddard IV

  Ned arrives in King’s Landing all tired and cranky.  Sadly, being hand is a sucky demanding job and right away Grand Maester Pycelle informs him there’s a small council meeting.  Besides Pycelle, Varys, Renly and LF are there.  Ned doesn’t like any of them but he hates Varys the most of all.  He’s probably just jealous of Varys’ cool velvet slippers.  The guys all measure their penises make passive-aggressive quips.

  Ned asks where Stannis Baratheon is.  Stannis is Robert’s other brother.  The middle child between Robert and Renly.  Varys tells Ned that Stannis left for his seat on Dragonstone.  Dragonstone was the Targaryen’s seat.  It’s an island off the east coast and it was where they first settled after leaving their original homeland of Valyria.  After the rebellion, Robert granted Stannis Dragonstone.  No explanation is given as to why Stannis is left and it isn’t suspicious at all.

  Ned also asks when Robert will be joining them and everybody else thinks this is hilarious.  It turns out that Robert is a lazy fuck and he never bothers to do any of the work of day to day governing.  He just likes to drink, eat and sex prostitutes.  He’s also fiscally irresponsible and has out the crown in debt to Tywin Lannister and the Iron Bank of Braavos.

  Robert wants a huge tournament and party to be staged in honor of the Hand.  Ned is not pleased about the expense but nobody else cares.  The council meeting breaks up and LF starts walking Ned to some unknown destination.  LF is telling Ned that his wife awaits.  After some big complicated journey that involves climbing down a cliff (this will come up again), they arrive at LF’s brothel.

  Ned is about to kick Littlefinger’s ass Brandon Stark style at the very thought that Cat might be at a brothel, but it turns out she is there.  So is Rodrik.  They tell Ned everything that happened with Bran and the dagger.  Littlefinger pushes the notion of a Lannister conspiracy and Ned remembers how Tywin’s henchman crushed the skull of Rhaegar’s baby son Aegon.  He also remembers that Robert turned a blind eye as he did to Sansa’s wolf.

  LF points out that further proof is needed before any accusations are made.  He has promised to help them uncover the truth but Ned is sort of pissy and doesn’t trust Littlefinger.  Not that I blame him.  Catelyn wants to visit the girls before she leaves but Ned encourages her to leave secretly right away.  They part hoping it won’t come to war.  Awwww.

Tyrion III

  Tyrion’s visit to the wall has come to an end.  He’s with all the NW higher ups.  Tyrion gives Alliser a hard time and he gets butthurt and storms off  LC Mormont wants Tyrion to send back men from King’s Landing because there aren’t enough NW members  Mormont tries to impress upon Tyrion that some spooky shit is going down and the wall needs more men.  Tyrion isn’t very convinced but agrees to ask Cersei about it.

  Tyrion decides to look at the view from the top of the wall one last time and runs into Jon and Ghost.  Tyrion will be stopping back at Winterfell and Jon wants him to see if he can somehow help Bran, even if it’s just with kind words.  The wall is really spooky and Tyrion kind of understands why people might think inhuman creatures lurk beyond it.

  That was an incredibly uneventful chapter.  It was mostly Tyrion being witty.  Next time we will meet Sam for the first time.  That means lots of fat jokes, so we’ll have to see how I can recap without being an asshole who makes fat jokes.

Deaths in this recap: 0

Cumulative deaths: 6

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 2

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 2

All 0s this post.  Disappointing!

 

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