Uh, oh. The Lady incident

Book I am reading:  A Game Of Thrones

Chapters:  Tyrion II, Catelyn III, Sansa I, Eddard III, Bran III

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigot

 

Tyrion II

  I want to start off by noting that my favorite ’80’s movie Troop Beverley Hills is playing on my TV as I type this.  That information is not terribly relevant but it will be the reason why my post could be extra stupid today.  Phyllis Neffler 4 life!

  Anyways, we join Tyrion as he journeys north along the Kingsroad to the wall.  It’s a cold sparsely populated wasteland.  Think eastern Montana.  At first the party is Tyrion, two Lannister men, Benjen and our favorite bastard Jon Snow.  Later, they meet up with Yoren who recruits new NW members.  By recruit, I mean he takes on criminals who would rather serve than be castrated or have their hands cut off.  Yoren’s recruits are rapers.  Not rapists, rapers.  What a great word.  I keep meaning to use that word in day to day life.  GRRMisms are the best.

  Tyrion observes Jon’s disappointment at the state of his future brothers.  Yoren smells awful and is lice infested.  The rapers smell worse.  Lovely.  Apparently nobody but Jon is dumb enough to sign up for the NW voluntarily these days.  Oops.

  We now learn that Tyrion has always been into dragons.  That could never possibly come up again.  The Red Keep in King’s Landing has the skulls of all the Targaryen’s dead dragons.  The oldest are the biggest.  The last living dragons were puny, only the size of mastiffs.  Dragon’s bones are black.  It’s strange to imagine and I’m not sure how that’s possible, but hey, fantasy!

  Tyrion teases Jon for clinging to the belief that the NW is a noble organization.  Is Tyrion dispensing some tough love or he is just being a jerk?  You make the call.  TYrion thinks it’s absurd that he feels guilty for almost making Jon cry.  I think Ty Ty might be a little off.  Isn’t it normal to feel guilty about making someone almost cry?  They also talk about dragons for a quick minute.  Hmm….

  After Jon gets upset, Ghost comes out of nowhere and almost rips Tyrion to shreds.  I guess the direwolves can be pretty dangerous.  More on that later.  Jon is nice enough to call Ghost off.  Somehow this makes Jon realize that Tyrion is just being honest.  Jon decides to just deal with things.  Even though Tyrion was being an asshole, it’s probably for the best after all.  Now they are friends.  This is about as close to heart warming as things ever get in Westeros.

Catelyn III

  Catelyn is still hanging out by Bran’s bedside all the time.  Maester Luwin wants her to attend to the business of Winterfell but Cat’s not trying to hear that.  It’s interesting to note here that she thinks of him as a “grey rat.”  Another character does this in ADWD.  Hmm.

  Luckily for Winterfell, Robb mans up and decides to become a true and grown up lord and take care of things.  Cue the old pull-ups commercials.  I’m a big kid now!

  Robb scolds Cat for not giving a crap about him, Rickon or anything else right now.  Damn Robb.  I thought you were a mama’s boy?  Bran’s wolf starts to howl.  Cat wants to leave the window closed because the sound is annoying.  Robb wants to open the window and let the sound heal Bran or something.  Shaggydog and Grey Wind start howling too and Cat starts to have some sort of anxiety attack.  Then Robb sees what the commotion is about.  There is a FIRE!!!

  The library tower is burning.  As an avid reader, this hurts me more than I can say.  Robb runs off to deal with it and Cat stays to look out the window.  She turns around and there is a strange man standing there.  Ew.  He is a carrying a knife and he remarks that no one was supposed to be there.

  The intruder tries to grab Cat and put the knife to her throat.  In a moment of pure badassery she grabs the knife and pulls it away.  Not giving any fucks that her hand is all cut up now.  Werk.  They struggle for a few more moments and then in yet another moment of badassery, Bran’s wolf leaps into the window and rips the intruders throat.  Good doggy!

  Catelyn begins to laugh hysterically.  Yikes.  That happens again later in less pleasant circumstances.  But now she now the direwolves are awesome so that’s good.  The lesson from this little episode is that helicopter parents are right.  I don’t want to think about that.

  Catelyn takes milk of the poppy and sleeps for four (!) days.  She wakes up good to go and ready to kick some ass.  She has a meeting with Robb, Rodrik Cassel, Theon and captain of the guard Hallis Mollen.  We learn that the intruder was not somebody from Winterfell so he most likely stayed and hung around after the royal party left.  He is mostly likely a Lannister man.  They wonder why anybody could want to murder a kid and conclude that he must know something.  They also notice that the knife was super fancy and made out of Valyrian steel and dragonbone.  Nothing a smelly poor would have.  The case for a Lannister hit grows.

  Cat makes them all swear to keep a secret and then reveals that Lysa believes the Lannisters murdered Jon Arryn.  Cat voices her suspicion that Bran was thrown from the tower.  Robb gets all overly manly and excited and draws his sword for no good reason.  Rodrik scolds him by saying “Never draw your sword unless you mean to use it.  How many times must I tell you, foolish boy?”  Rodrik is awesome and I propose we send him to Florida to tail George Zimmerman.

  It is decided that Cat will go down to King’s Landing to seek the truth of Bran’s attempted murder.  Rodrik will go with her.  They will take a boat and hopefully get there ahead of Ned.

Sansa I

  Sansa is excited that she is invited to ride in the wheelhouse with Cersei and Myrcella.  She is worried that Arya will be ill mannered and dirty and spoil things.  The fear is not without merit.  Arya is all dirty and gross and refuses to go ride with them.  Arya says “I don’t like the queen.”  You and me both honey.  Sansa however, is pretty scandalized by this.  Sansa gives up all embarrassed and pissed at Arya.

  When Sansa gets back to camp she sees that an escort has come from King’s Landing to escort them back.  I’m really not sure who’s in charge right now.  Littlefinger?  Two of the three escorts are pretty glam.  The third is really creepy.  The Hound sneaks up on Sansa (why?) and creeps her out even more.  Lady growls.  This causes all the dudes at the camp to laugh at Sansa.  Cersei makes Joffrey come to her rescue and tells everyone to shut it. 

  We learn the identities of the escort.  The creeper is Ilyn Payne, the King’s justice.  That’s fancy talk for executioner.  He doesn’t talk because he mocked mad king Aerys and that got his tongue ripped out.  The old dude is Barristan Selmy, Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, one of the best fighters in Westeros.  The young dude is Renly Baratheon the young, good looking and cocky youngest brother of King Robert.  Sansa saves face and charms by guessing Renly’s identity based on looks and clothes and accessories.

  It is decided that Joffrey will take Sansa riding.  She’s very excited on account of his dreaminess.  Yuck.  Joffrey gets Sansa drunk from wine.  Like me right now!  This scene gives me nostalgia for my first time smoking pot when I was 13 or 14.  Me and two friends were too paranoid to do it at one of our homes so we walked a mile or so away to Minnehaha creek and smoked under a bridge.  Then we sprayed ourselves down with Malibu Musk.

  Anywhoo…  Sansa is a bit tipsy and she and Joffrey get to the river Trident.  There they see Arya  and the butcher’s boy Mycah play sword fighting with wooden sticks.  Joffrey is a complete dick and pulls out Lion’s Tooth, his sword.  Even after Sansa identifies Arya and Mycah he still menaces poor Mycah.  He cuts Mycah on the cheek and Arya is pissed.  She tries to fight Joffrey with her stick and then throws a rock at him.    Mycah runs away.  Nymeria comes out of nowhere and bites Joffrey.  Go Nymeria!  Joffrey is humiliated and begs for mercy.  Arya runs away with Nymeria and Joffrey takes it all out Sansa and won’t talk to her.

Eddard III

  Both the Starks and Lannisters have sent search parties after Arya.  Luckily it’s the Starks who find her.    It’s been four days.  Arya is OK but being taken before the queen.  The royal party has taken over the Darry keep.  Ned and Arya reunite in the hallway in front of everyone.  It’s really touching and sad. 

  It seems that the little shit Joffrey has claimed that Arya and Mycah outright attacked him.  This is why everyone hates you Joff.  Cersei takes his side.  Robert seems annoyed.  He probably wants to drink or whore.  Arya tells her side of the story.  Ned calls Sansa up to testify because he knows her version corroborates Arya’s.  However, Sansa gets too scared and claims she can’t remember.  *Facepalm* 

  Arya gets pissed and calls Sansa a liar.  Cersei wants Arya punished but Robert isn’t having it.  Cersei instead demands that Lady be killed since Nymeria has vanished.  Robert agrees to that and ignores Ned’s pleas to save the innocent Lady.  Robert acknowledges that Joffrey is probably lying but he can’t be bothered to argue with Cersei.  This is why Robert sucks.

  Ilyn Payne is about to kill Lady, but Ned insists on doing it himself.  Cersei wants the pelt but Ned has the pelt taken back to Winterfell.  Good for you Ned.  Then Ned sees the Hound riding up with the corpse of Mycah.  This chapter is so depressing I’m not really able to make any funnies.  Sorry.

Bran III

  I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to recap a coma dream chapter. Here goes.

  Bran is falling.  A three eyed crow is telling him to fly.  The crow also says “Say, got any corn?”  For some reason, I think this is really fucked up. Especially since Bran actually has corn in his pocket.  What?

  Bran almost remembers Jaime but the crow says to set that aside.  Then the crow makes Bran looks down.

  He sees Winterfell and then he sees Cat and Rodrik on a ship.  He sees the after effects of the Lady condemning trial.  Three shadows are around them.  A hound, the sun armored golden guy and a creepy giant with nothing but darkness and blood underneath his helm.  Yikes!

  Then Bran sees the Dothraki sea and Asshai where the dragon eggs in Dany’s possession originated.  Then in the north he sees Jon cold in his bed at the wall.  He looks even further north into the heart of winter.  The crow tells Bran he has to live because winter is coming.  Finally Bran flies which wakes him up.  When Robb comes to visit, Bran informs him that the wolf is named Summer.

  Sorry to end on that weird chapter.  I’ll be back in a few days with some more fun stuff.  We meet eunuchs and dorky wall recruits.

Deaths in this recap:  2 (Lady and Mycah.  The guy who tried to kill Bran is never named)

Cumulative deaths: 6

Betrayals in this recap: 2 (Robert doesn’t stop Cersei from killing Lady, Sansa doesn’t back up Arya)

Cumulative betrayals: 2

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 2

 

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