Deliverance: North of the wall style.

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Jon III, Theon II, Tyrion VI

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Holy shit.  It’s been a while.  Sorry to all my vast hordes of readers :/

 

Jon III

  Jon is getting blown.  By rain lashing across his face as he rides alongside LC Mormont through the haunted forest.  It’s been raining for six days.  The NW rangers are wet, muddy, and I assume very stinky.  On the bus, whenever it’s raining and cool the combination of coats and rain always make it stink like cool ranch Doritos and mildew.  That’s how I imagine these guys smell.

  They are on their way to Craster’s keep.  Craster has a reputation for being a “kinslayer, liar, raper, and craven” who traffics with slavers and demons and worse.  But he’s a friend to the Watch and always helps them out, so they turn a blind eye.  Craster is also the Warren Jeffs of ASOIAF universe.  He has a whole harem of wives and they’re also his daughters.  Ew.

  Mormont commands Jon to ride up and down the column and warn all the NW members to keep their hand’s off the sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Why, oh, why can’t that go without saying?

  Like any good perverted rural psycho, Craster has a home that is ramshackle and filthy.  There’s even a gate with animal skulls on poles.  A ram on one side, a bear with bits of flesh on the other.  He couldn’t just have a garden gnome?

  Dolorous Edd is tending the horses.  He thinks the muddy hills surrounding Craster’s keep look like they’re made of Craster’s shit. Edd’s the best.  He’s like a combination of Daria and George Carlin.  Edd tells Jon that Mormont wants him to join all the big wigs inside the keep.  The hall is leaky and muddy and smells of dung, so maybe Edd had a point? 

  Craster is in the midst of telling Mormont and the other senior rangers that he has not seen Benjen.  Will we ever find uncle Stark?  Mormont offers to allow Craster and his wives south of the Wall, but Craster will have none of it.  Even hearing the tale of Rykker and Flowers becoming wights doesn’t sway him.  Craster only says that he is a godly man.  What gods protect from the wights and the Others?  It’s all incredibly creepy.

  Craster does offer to share what info he has on Mance Rayder.  If the NW gives him some wine and an.  Finally, Craster does something I can understand!  He then sees Jon and somehow notices that he looks like a Stark.  He’s pretty contemptuous upon finding out that he’s a bastard.  According to Craster you should marry every woman you bed.  I guess this makes him a dream man for the rom-com fans.

  Later Jon is outside.  He sees Ghost menacing one of Craster’s sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Well, not so much menacing as stealing Craster’s rabbits.  She’s pregnant and some of the other NW men take this as a signal that she should be harassed and teased.  One of them is Chett, he of the face boils.  The girl runs away.

  The next morning, Jon wakes up to find that same girl.  She is wrapped up in Sam’s cloak.  She wants Jon to take her away with them when they go.  It seems Sam gave her the impression that that was a possibility.  She introduces herself as Gilly.  She wants to escape for the safety of her baby.  She thinks she’s going to have a boy and Craster always gives the boy babies to the gods whenever the “white cold” comes.  Jon inquires about gods she means.  She says “The cold gods, the ones in the night.  The white shadows.”  So very creepy.

                                   I’m from MN.  I had to do it.

Jon had to inform Gilly again that it was a no go.  He doesn’t have a choice, but feels guilty and mad at Sam for getting her hopes up.

  After breakfast, Jon confronts Mormont about what he’s figured about Craster’s nighttime activities.  To nobody’s surprise, Mormont already knows.  Mormont is a pragmatic sort and he tells Jon that Craster has provided so much aid to the NW that there’s no choice but to turn a blind eye.  After that life lesson about realpolitik is dispensed, he also informs Jon that Mance is gathering the wildings at the Frostfangs, a mountain range. That is why the villages have all been empty.  We leave the chapter on the brutal realization that the NW is a shell of its former self and the wildlings far outnumber them.

 

Theon II

  Theon is looking at his new ship and sees a woman approaching him.  He’s kind of the Beavis and Butthead of Westeros so of course he’s pretty pleased about this.  He hits on her very aggressively and creepily.  She tells him that she’s married and pregs and gives him some snark.  Of course, this just turns him on more because he’s one of those guys.  She tells him that her name is Esgred and she knows he’s Theon Greyjoy.  After much bantering, including talk of naming the ship the Sea Bitch, Theon invites Esgred back to Pyke with him.  She agrees.  He fetches his squire, a mute named Wex from a local inn and get on their way.

  Theon and Esgred share a horse because they aren’t all that common on the Iron Islands.  Theon is a gross creeper and he keeps trying to fondle Esgred.  If Theon were in our society, he’d be that guy who sends dick pics to random women on OK Cupid.  He also spends much of the ride bragging about how he is Balon’s heir and what a great man he is. 

  When they get to Pyke, the stablemen came out to greet them.  He addressed Esgred as Asha.  Asha is Theon’s older sister.  That’s right.  Theon was hitting on his sister this who time and she didn’t bother to tell him.  Oh, George.  You and your incest.  It’s been 10 years.  She used to have pimples and no boobs.  Now she has boobs and no pimples.  Apparently, since Theon only tells women apart by boob size and shape he couldn’t recognize her.  When he asks why she let him make an ass of himself, Asha says that she wanted to see who he really was.

  Theon goes to his room and sulks for awhile and blames his fuckery on Asha being an evil bitch.  Then he heads down to dinner.  Most of Balon’s allies are there.  None of them have any fucks to give about Theon’s presence.  Once seated, Theon orders wine from the servants while Asha orders ale.  This emasculates poor Theon further.  Then Asha brings out her axe, smashes it into the table and declares it her lord husband.  She does that to mock Theon and everyone in the hall joins in the mockery.  Asha is a grade A troll really.  She points out that he is not trusted because he spent so much time on the green lands with the Starks.  And their laws don’t apply.  Theon isn’t necessarily the heir just because he is Balon’s only living son.

  After dinner, Balon convenes a meeting.  He tells Theon to take a mere 8 longships and harry the Stony Shore.  That’s a shitty rural coastal area in the north.  He will be accompanied by Aeron the boring religious uncle and Dagmar Cleftjaw who’s actually sort of cool (by Ironborn standards).  This is a huge dis and will bring Theon no glory.  Asha gets 30 ships and is commanded to take Deepwood Motte, the castle belonging to Lord Glover.  Victarion, Balon’s brother gets the best job of all.  Taking Moat Cailin on the neck between the north and south.  Theon is thoroughly humiliated.

 

Tyrion VI

  Tyrion goes to visit Cersei in her chambers.  Lancel is there and he seems to be all pissy about Tyrion’s arrival.  Tyrion wants to speak with his sister privately.  She sends Lancel away.  Lancel gives Tyrion a dirty look.

  Tyrion tells Cersei that he has received news about Stannis sailing from Dragonstone.  Cersei immediately starts panicking.  Tyrion laughs at her.  Because the news is good.  Stannis is riding out to lay siege to Storm’s End.  He’s fighting Renly, not the Lannisters.  Thus Cersei’s mood changes to elation.  She thinks they might be even stupider than Robert.  The mirth is so great that they’re even buddy buddy for a minute.  Tyrion is confident that they will not reach any sort of peace agreement.  They decided to toast ironically to Stannis.  Tyrion pours the wine and slips her a powdered drug.  Remember his visit to Pycelle?

  It turns out the drug was a laxative.  Cersei is too busy having dia to come to court the next day.  Best poisoning ever!  The first person Tyrion call on at court is Ser Cleo Frey, the guy Robb sent with peace terms earlier.  He tells Cleos that he will not accept the term and that the only term Joffrey will accept is Robb’s complete surrender and the release of Jaime.  Cleos has to leave again with nothing but Ned’s bones and threats of Tywin’s imminent asskicking of Robb.  Tyrion sends Cleos away with all the Lannister guard.  This shocks much of the court, particularly Pycelle.

  The next man to speak is Alliser Thorne of the NW.  Tyrion is shocked to see him.  Alliser tells the story of the wights, but he is met only with skepticism.  Unfortunately, the dead black hand had rotted while Alliser was rotting in the cells and he has no proof.  He is sent back almost empty handed.  Tyrion’s snarky ass gives him spades to bury the dead with so they don’t come back.  He does offer up the city’s criminals for service on the wall.  Alliser takes no guff from imps so he calls Tyrion a fool.  It does no good.  Alliser is sent off humiliated.

  After court, Littlefinger expresses his ire at Tyrion for having been lied to about the Myrcella’s marriage prospects.  Bad enemy to make Ty Ty!  After that talk he tells Varys that sending away Cersei’s guards was a ruse to infiltrate Riverrun and save Jaime.

   Later that night, Tyrion and Shagga bust down Pycelle’s door.  He was in there with a whore.  Maesters are supposed to be celibate.  Oops!  I guess we should be grateful it was a consenting adult?  You see, Pycelle is in trouble for spilling the beans to Cersei.  Tyrion has Shagga cut off Pycelle’s super dignified Nostradamus beard and throw him in the cells.  But not before Pycelle reveals that it was he, out of Lannister loyalty that talked Aerys into opening the gates of King’s Landing during Robert’s rebellion.  This was supposed to be a comfort to Tyrion but it just makes him think Pycelle is super shady.  Tyrion accuses Pycelle of poisoning Jon Arryn.  Pycelle, of course denies it.  The chapter ends with poor shifty Pycelle getting dragged away to the black cells.

Deaths in this recap:  0.  That’s 6 chapters in a row with no deaths! George, I am disappoint.

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 20.  This one really upped the incest ante!  There’s Theon hitting on Asha.  Then there’s Craster’s 19 sister-daughter-slave-wives.  Yikes! 

Cumulative incests: 26

Pie Romancer

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion V, Bran III, Catelyn II

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Tyrion V

  Tyrion goes to visit Hallyne the Pyromancer at the Guildhall of the Alchemists.  The alchemists used to be the go to guys for medicine and advice, but the maesters were the Cady Herron to the alchemists Regina George and replaced them.  However, there are still alchemists left and they know the spells it takes to make a weapon called wildfire.  It’s a highly flammable substance that produces green flames that can’t be put out with water or stop, drop and rolling.  You just have to wait for it to burn itself out.  It’s a deadly weapon, but obviously hard to control.

  Tyrion orders 10,000 pots of wildfire and 3,000 empty pots for the soldiers to use for practice.  Then he leaves with his escort of Timett and a bunch of Burned Men.  There’s been lots of unrest in King’s Landing.  A hungry mob recently descended upon the Red Keep.  Bronn is also there and he has summons from Jacelyn Bywater of the Gold Cloaks and Cersei,

  Tyrion goes to Jacelyn first because he prefers to meet with Cersei when she’s pissed off as it makes her kind of stupid and impulsive.  Jacelyn has Cleos Frey with the peace terms from Robb.  He tells Tyrion that the Riverlands are a hellish wartorn shithole and that Catelyn was the one interested in peace, not Robb.  He tells him to wait until he consult with Cersei to draw up their own peace terms.

  When Tyrion gets back to the Tower of the Hand, Cersei is waiting for him predictably pissed off.  She’s mostly upset about the deal to send Myrcella to Dorne.  That means Pycelle has been tattling.  She gets worked up enough to smack him upside the head.  When Tyrion tries to convince her that Myrcella would be safer there, Cersei starts crying.  This is a confusing turn of events because until now she seemed to lack feelings.  Still, she won’t let Tyrion comfort her.  It’s not a hug and cry and learn and grow moment (I stole that phrase from Faith).

He manages to calm her down with the letter from Robb and knows he’ll get his way concerning Myrcella.

 

Bran III

  Bran is starting to enjoy playing lord of Winterfell.  He likes getting cheered by the smallfolk and holding feasts.  Two new guests arrive.  Meera and Jojen Reed from Greywater Watch.  The children of Ned’s good friend Howland.  Meera is the elder.  She is dressed like a boy.  Jojen is younger and very frail.  They reswear the oath their house made to the Starks thousands of years ago.

  Bran has a wolf dream later that night.  In this dream Jojen and Meera are there.  Jojen knows it isn’t the day he will die and is not afraid of a direwolf attack.  Clearly Jojen has a creepy horror movie kid thing going on.

 

Catelyn II

  Cat is angsting about wanting to reunite with her children. She and her escort are on the way to treat with Renly.  That afternoon the party is met by Renly’s outriders and they are taken to his camp.  His camp is huge and so is his army.  As they approach Renly’s tent they see that a melee is in progress.  Cat thinks it unseemly that a for fun party fight is going on when there is a real war to fight.

  Renly is watching the fight.  He looks really fabulous and not at all gay.  We now get our first introduction to his new wife Margaery of house Tyrell.  She is pretty, but since she has brown hair and eyes she obviously isn’t too pretty.  Loras is fighting really well and almost wins, but he ends up getting beaten by a mysterious blue clad knight.

  Surprise!  The blue knight is not a man.  It is Brienne of house Tarth.  She’s super big and tall and regarding as kind of a manbeast.  She has a plain face and is socially awkward, so of course nobody really likes her.  All Brienne wants as her prize is to be a member of Renly’s Rainbow Guard (really George?) which is his version of the Kingsguard.

  After Renly agrees to that, he is introduced to Catelyn.  Renly declares that he will avenge Ned’s death by presenting her Cersei’s head.  Cat tells him the news that Jaime is a prisoner at Riverrun.  He tells Cat he will speak to her later when she rests and refreshes herself.  She is assigned a fancy schmancy tent.

  Later, she goes to his pavilion for dinner.  Renly keeps things classy, but she thinks his bannermen are fools who aren’t taking this war business seriously enough.  She has to be a buzzkill and note that they are the knights of summer and winter is coming, and they won’t be so carefree for long.  It’s kind of annoying, but she has a point.

  Renly invites Cat for a walk after dinner.  He boasts about the strength of his army.  Catelyn points out that Stannis technically has the better claim but Renly doesn’t have any fucks to spare about that.  Renly points out that Robert had no right to take the throne either.  The right of conquest is what matters.  Fair enough?

  He tells Cat that he will only form an alliance with Robb if he drops the bid for northern independence.  Then they are interrupted by a messager  Stannis has besieged Storm’s End.

 

Deaths in this recap:  0.  An uneventful triad!

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Pycelles rats out Tyrion

Cumulative betrayals: 12

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Gossip Girl

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion IV, Sansa II, Arya V

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Tyrion IV

  Tyrion is meeting with Pycelle.  He has Pycelle send a letter to the prince of Dorne, Doran Martell.  Dorne is the southernmost part of Westeros.  There is a lot of dessert and mountains making them difficult to control by force.  It’s too hard for armies to invade.  They remained an independent kingdom for a long time after Aegon’s conquest.  They at last came into the realm via a marriage alliance with the Targaryens.  They have yet to take a side in the current secession dispute.

  While Pycelle is off sending the raven, Tyrion snoops in Pycelle’s bottles of poison and steals one.  Which one we are not told.  After the meeting Tyrion rejoins Bronn.  Bronn tells him that a moneylender from the Iron Bank of Braavos has asked after Tyrion.  The crown owes the Iron Bank a buttload of money.  Tyrion brushes it off.  That can’t possibly be a bad idea that will come back to bite the Lannisters later.

  Bronn also informs Tyrion that the peasants are getting restless.  The Tyrells and Renly have cut off food supplies from the reach and food is getting hard to come by.  He also mentions that Alliser Thorne has arrived.  He decides to let him sweat it out for awhile because he doesn’t like Alliser.  It kind of reminds me of the Wizard of Oz.  The book of course.

  On the way back home Tyrion runs into Cersei and her assorted minions.  She gets all up on his jock about what she perceives as his lack of concern for security of the city.  She’s also peeved that he hasn’t figured out to get Jaime back.  She calls him useless and storms off.  Tyrion is more worried out about Stannis than Renly.  Varys has been getting no intelligence from Dragonstone.

  He arrives home to find Littlefinger lounging villainously in his solar.  He’s watching Joffrey try to shoot rabbits with his crossbow and failing miserably.  Because Joffrey is bad at everything and sucks forever.  LF is flaunting the dagger used in Bran’s murder attempt.  Tyrion can’t do anything to LF at the moment because they need his money making prowess.  LF knows it so he’s acting like a shit about it.  Tyrion tells LF he wants him to persuade Lysa Arryn to swear fealty to Joffrey and pledge her swords in exchange for a marriage pact between Robert Arryn and Myrcella.  Poor Myrcella!  For this service, LF will get Harrenhal.  Littlefinger agrees to the plan.

  The next visitor a few hours later is Varys.  Varys knows about the raven to Dorne and the plan to wed Myrcella to Robert Arryn already.  So creepy.  He’s pretty much the gossip girl of Westeros. He tells Varys he plans to send Tommen away to Dorne.  He asks him not to tell Cersei about of this stuff.

 

Sansa II

 Sansa finds a mysterious note under her pillow.  It says Come to the godswood tonight, if you want to go home.  She is hopeful that it is someone who really wants to help her.  She is however afraid that it’s a set up by Joffrey.  She angered him by saying that she hopes the Others take Janos Slynt.  He had Meryn Trant punch her a mailed fist.  A mailed fist!  I don’t even know what to say about that.  Rage stroke!  That’s about all I can muster.

  She is scared, but sneaks out anyway.  Before reaching the godswood she runs into the same black cat Arya was chasing before.  File that away under possibly important.  In the wood she discovers that the note sender is Ser Dontos.  The drunk guy she saved at the tourney.  He’s drunk yet again.  Sansa is understandably creeped out.  No adolescent girl wants to be alone in the woods with a drunk adult man.  At least I hope not.

  He does manage to convince her that he wasn’t sent by anyone and truly means to help her.  He claims he can sneak her out and get her on a ship.  But not now.  When the time is right.  They agree to meet at the same place often.

  Speaking of creepy dudes, when Sansa is on her back to her chambers she runs into the Hound.  He’s drunk too.  She tells him she was praying in the godswood.  He has his suspicions that she is lying and calls her a stupid little bird.  Why SanSan is such a popular fan ship is beyond me.  He escorts her home and informs her that he will have a song from her whether she likes it or not.  I swear.  Every Sansa chapter reminds me of when I was her age and would get catcalls from creepy ass adult men.

 

Arya V

  Arya climbs up a tree to recon a nearby village.  She sees smoke coming from a chimney.  All the other villages they have come across lately have been abandoned.  We flash back to the morning after Lorch’s attack.  Apparently Kurz was one of the survivors and I falsely called him dead last time.  He does die from an infected wound a couple of days later so I won’t bother to edit the previous post.

  Anyways, the remaining survivors are starting to get hungry.  They are living off of berries and acorn paste.  Arya even eats bugs.  The other two adult survivors Tarber and Cutjack ditch Arya, Gendry, Hot Pie, Lommy and Weasel.  How nice.  Back in the present they are debating whether or not to go to the village.  Arya and Gendy are suspicious.  Hot Pie wants to go in hopes of getting fed.  Lommy wants to yield because he thinks that’s the key to not getting killed.  Oh Lommy.  Lommy has a hurt leg from the battle.  Gendry and Arya decide they will sneak into the village when it gets dark.

  When they are walking through the woods Gendry says he thinks Lommy will die.  His wound stinks.  Presumably of gangrene.  This shouldn’t be funny but it makes me think Lommy Gangrene Hands since Lommy is called Lommy Greenhands.  Gendry also reveals that he has figured out that Arya is a girl.  She decides to trust him and admit that she is Arya Stark.  Gendry is all cutely embarrassed that he was rude and crude with a lady to be.

  When they get near the village that ever present rotting corpse scent whaffs into their nostrils.

Gag Me

  Corpse stank can’t be a great sign.  They split up to approach the village from different angles.  When Arya gets closer, they see that there is a bunch of corpses hanging by the lake.  They are in various stages of eaten by crows.  People shouldn’t read these books while eating should they?  The flag hanging up in the village looks like the Lannister crimson.

  Arya sees a captive being dragged into the village by Lannister men.  It’s Gendry.  Of course it is.  After observing for hours she doesn’t see a good rescue opportunity so she goes to fetch Hot Pie and Lommy.  Lommy is still useless and only wants to yield so she takes Hot Pie back to the village.

  They get caught of course.  HP shouts “I yield!”  Of course.  They get captured and the men take Needle.  Those bastards.  Arya recognizes Gregor Clegane and know for sure they are in some deep shit.  They go back to Lommy.  Weasel has run away.  One of the Mountain’s men asks them where Dondarrion is.  They have no clue what he is talking about.  They inquire about Lommy’s leg.  He says that it is hurt and he will need to be carried to the village.  Oh Lommy!  The man unceremoniously stabs him in the throat.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor dumb Lommy

Cumulative deaths: 43

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Tobbar and Cutjack abandoned the kids count in my opinion.

Cumulative betrayals: 11

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

Hot Pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Arya IV, Tyrion III, Bran II

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Arya IV

  The NW finds a corpse floating in the river.  Lommy is not surprised because the water they had been drinking tasted like dead body.  EWWW!!!  When I was a canvasser, our van hit a dead and decomposing deer when we were driving out to turf in the exurbs.  It was the summertime.  The dead deer stink got all over the front of the van (is that the grill?  Like Jon Snow, I know nothing when it comes to cars) and every time it stunk of deer corpse inside the van.  I will never ever forget that smell,  It was disgusting,  I cannot even begin to manage drinking corpsified water.  Ew, ew, ew!  Yoren has them loot the body for valuables.  It’s understandable and necessary, but it still squicks me out a bit.

  The party aren’t too far from the huge lake called the God’s Eye.  Harrenhal is right on the lake and they discuss seeking shelter there because Lady Whent is friendly towards the Night’s Watch.  Harrenhal was built by King Harren, an Iron Born.  They controlled the Riverlands at the time.  He refused to surrender to Aegon and the dragons barbequed Harren inside the castle.  Arya remembers that Old Nan used to tell stories about ghosts haunting Harrenhal.

  The party comes across some homes, but they are all abandoned.  It’s pretty suspicious.  Finally they come upon an entire abandoned town and holdfast.  This is how bad horror movies start out.  The town is on the God’s Eye and it’s so big that they can’t see the opposite shore.

  Yoren decides they will spend the night at the holdfast.  Arya doesn’t want to because obviously the town is abandoned for a reason.  Yoren thinks she is smart for knowing to be concerned, but it isn’t enough to convince him to move on.  They do bar the doors behind them.

  Later that night Arya dreams she hears wolves howling.  She wakes up and knows that something is very wrong and wakes everyone else.  Momentarily Kurz blows the horn.  There are a couple hundred soldiers outside.  It’s some Lannister troops.  Yoren tells them that they are Night’s Watch but they are not believed.  They think it might be Beric Dondarrion’s people.  His sigil is a lightning bolt on black so it looks similar to the black of the NW.  Beric has been leading a group of rebels.

  The soldier’s leader, a man called Amory Lorch commands Yoren to open the door.  Lorch is one of Tywin’s bannerman and he is the one who killed princess Rhaenys Targaryen,  He’s a total asshole, obviously.  Yoren refuses.  Lorch orders his men to storm the walls and kill everyone.  Of course he does.

  Arya is not afraid to join the fight.  She uses to needle to stab the fingers of someone trying to climb the wall.  She screams “Winterfell!”  She dispatches several more foes.  Unfortunately they just keep coming.  Dobber and Qyle are killed.  Arya keeps screaming “Winterfell!” and Hot Pie adorably shouts “Hot Pie!”

  Sadly, the NW are being overwhelmed and Yoren tells Arya to flee out of the trap under the barn and take as many as she can with her.  She takes with her Gendry, Hot Pie, Lommy and the toddler girl they call Weasel.  The barn is on fire.  All their horses and donkeys are trapped and screaming.  With all the death in ASOIAF, this is one of the most upsetting part to me.  I guess I just like other animals more than I do humans.

  Jaqen H’gar, Rorge and Biter are still locked up in their cage.  I’m not sure why they haven’t passed out from smoke inhalation by now, but hey, fantasy!  Arya finds an axe and gives it to them so they can bust themselves out.  They all escape.  They see Kurz die.  It isn’t until the next chapter that it’s mentioned that Yoren is dead, but he is.

 

Tyrion III

  The word has spread to the small council that all the lords have received that letter from Stannis calling Joffrey a bastard.  Cersei acts all indignant as if the accusation isn’t true.  This is amusing to Tyrion.  And me.  Since the letter says “in the light of the Lord” Tyrion figure they can use Stannis’ conversion to R’hllor worship against him. 

  Cersei wants everyone who calls Joffrey Bieber a bastard to get their tongues cut out as punishment.  Pycelle, ever the kiss ass agrees.  Tyrion disagrees.  He thinks that going so far as removing the ability to speak suggests that they have something to hide and the rumors might be true.  Tyrion wants to let the lack of proof speak for itself.  Littlefinger agrees with Tyrion.  We all know they’re much smarter than Cersei and Pycelle so they win.  Littlefinger suggest that they plant their own rumor, that Shireen is the result of Selyse doing sexy times with Patchface.  Blech.  LF knows that the smallfolk are superstitious and will believe Shireen’s greyscale face came from a union with Patchy and his creepiness.

  Tyrion notes aloud that LF is quite the accomplished liar and there is some tension between them.  This is the moment where they each realize the other is dangerous.  Of course Cersei is too self absorbed to notice the moment.  She could have used the rivalry to play them off each other and keep them both in check, but no.  Cersei is just so…Cersei.

  Everyone notes Varys conspicuous absence until Tyrion excuses himself to go attend to some business.  He meets Bronn outside.  He meets with all the  best smiths in the city.  He wants them to make a shit ton of chains.  He orders them to make it a priority.

  After the meeting he has Bronn escort him to a brothel.  It is run by a madam called Chataya.  She is from the Summer Islands.  It’s a sex positive culture way south and east of Westeros.  Everyone from there has really dark skin.  I don’t really know what real world culture is supposed to be analogous to them, but I’m sure there is one.  Chataya suggests that he hire her daughter Alayaya.  She takes him upstairs and leads him into the wardrobe.  There is a secret passage there.  Instead of Narnia, Varys awaits him.  Ooh, sneaky!

  Varys leads Tyrion through the tunnel.  Tyrion asks why a secret passage is under a brothel and Varys replies that is was built for another hand.  Hmm…. guess who?  We’ll get the story.  Eventually.  They come upon a room with horses and cloaks.  They dress in the cloaks so they can go meet Shae in secret.  This is so ridiculously elaborate IMO.  It’s just a big set up for later revelations and in hindsight it’s way too obvious.  Oh well.

 

Bran II

  Bran is having to do a bunch of boring duties in his role as prince.  He doesn’t like it.  Luwin and Rodrick don’t have a single nanocrap to give about that and they make him sit in on meetings and deal with visitors.  The latest of which is Lord Wyman Manderly AKA Lord-too-fat-to-sit-a-horse.  I keep trying to work out why he might have such a similar name to Manderley, the house in Rebecca, but I’ve got nothing.  Manderly is an important person and must be feasted.

  Bran has Hodor carry him down into the yars.  The Frey wards, Big Walder and Little Walder are there.  It is clear from the outset that they are the worst.  They make fun of Hodor.  Let me repeat.  This time loudly.  THEY MAKE FUN OF HODOR.  Unacceptable.

Inconceivable! (The Princess Bride)

  Bran and the Walders have some words.  Bran is threatening to sic Summer on them and I wish that he would. but Maester Luwin breaks it up.  Luwin is also pissed and he tells the stupid ass Freys to quit being mean to Hodor.

  later, at the feast Manderly expresses a desire to marry the recently widowed Lady Hornwood.  He also assures Bran that he will remain loyal even though the Lannisters hold his son Wylis.  Later on that night, Lady Hornwood arrives.  Her land is near that of the Bolton’s and she brings the news that Bolton’s bastard is amassing men with his servant, a ceaselessly stanky man called Reek.  Nothing to see here folks, move it along.

  Later in this apparently never ending day, Hodor takes Bran to the pool in the godswood.  There they encounter Osha who is bathing.  Osha, being intelligent has developed an immediate distrust of the Walders and tells Bran that he and Hodor need to watch their backs.  She asks him about his wolf dreams and he doesn’t want to say anything, but he does have a mystical dream about a weirwood tree and the three eyed crow that night.

  There are some more meetings.  Blah, blah, blah.  Everyone wants to marry Lady Hornwood.

  That night, Bran is starting to feel dread about the war.  He wants a dreamless sleep, but as usual does not get it.

 

Deaths in this recap:  4.  Qyle. Dobber, Kurz, and Yoren

Cumulative deaths: 42

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

 

 

 

 

Top of the fedora to you

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon I, Daenerys I, Jon II

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Theon I

  Theon is sailing home to Pyke on the Iron Islands.  Pyke is all cold and grim and yucky.  Theon has been passing the journey to Pyke by having sex with the captain’s daughter.  He keeps telling her about crappy the Iron Islands are, but she wants to go with him anyway.  I don’t know why.  Theon is lamenting the old ways before Aegon’s conquest changed everything.  The Iron Born apparently used to be fearsome pirates who had slave labor to do their bidding.  Now they’re just an out of the redneck part of Westeros.  Boo hoo,  Theon doesn’t want the captain’s daughter who doesn’t even get a name to come with him.  He does however, tell her that she might have a king’s bastard in her.

  A king?  What?

  Once Theon gets to Pyke, he is aggrieved to find that nobody at port recognizes him or cares that he has arrived.  He is about to hire a horse and a guide to take him to Pyke.  He’s interrupted by a dirty hippie looking priest.  It’s his uncle Aeron Damphair.  Aeron wants to know if Theon is now a worshipper of the old gods that the Stark’s keep.  That’s not good enough for Aeron who rebaptizes him for the Drowned God by pouring sea water on him and having him incant “what is dead may never die.”  Theon wants to know why his father Balon is preparing for war, but much to his chagrin Aeron is keeping mum.  Then it gets even worse.  Aeron suggests that Theon might be replaced as Balon’s heir with his sister Asha.  The Iron Island’s are even more macho and misogynistic than the rest of Westeros so this news is particularly unwelcome.  The fact that Theon has been at Winterfell for a decade has made everyone suspicious that Theon has become a wussy Stark Greenlander.

  They get to the great keep where Aeron leaves him.  Theon finds that his father is waiting at the Sea Tower instead of there to greet him.  First he is escorted to his chambers which are cold, damp and gross. Theon dresses up in his fanciest outfit to impress daddy.  Sadly, it fails to impress.  Balon is cold and mean.  He dislikes Theon’s gold chain necklace because it was bought (acquired by the gold price) rather than stolen off of a slain enemy(the iron price).  Yes,  His father is disappointed to not raise a thieving thug.  So unhealthy.  I’d say they should go on Dr. Phil, but I think he’s a sexual harasser so they’d probably just egg each other on.

  Balon is also pissed off that Theon has become friends with Robb and is carrying messages from him.  Balon doesn’t want to be given a crown.  He wants to take it.  He wants to it by taking over the north.  Dum, dum, duh!

 

Daenerys I

  Dany decides to steer her party in the direction the comet is going.  It’s the safest way to go into a desert area called the Red Waste.  It’s about the only place she won’t be set upon by a khalasar.  The desert is a horrible place to march.  First horses start dying and then people do.  Everybody is starving and thirsty.  Dany fears her dragons will starve because they won’t eat, but eventually she figures out that they like cooked meat.

  Dany names her dragons.  The green on Rhaegal for her brother.  The cream on Viserion for her other, more psychotic brother.  The black one Drogon for her husband.

  Our first named fatality happens when Doreah gets sick and dies.  For any readers who only watch the show and haven’t read the books, this is probably the first big deviation the show takes by keeping her alive.

  Finally they find a deserted city.  They find a bunch of figs there.  It doesn’t seem like much, but to them it’s pretty much a feast.  After that they find more fruit and a well of clean water,

  While they are resting, Jorah dons his fedora and establishes his Nice Guy street cred by telling Dany the tale of his wife.  Her name is Lynesse of house Hightower.  The Hightowers are one of the wealthiest families.  Jorah won her over by winning a tourney, she agreed to marry him.  Lynnesse was disappointed to learn that the Mormonts live on a desolate island and don’t possess a lot of wealth.  She was dissatisfied and that is how Jorah came to sell slaves.  He wanted to keep her in nice clothes and jewelry.  After Jorah was exiled, she left him for another man who had lots of money.  After telling Dany this story, he reveals that she looks like Lynesse.  Now we know why he so into following her.  Blech.   Dany realizes that Jorah is warm for her form.  She’s not attracted to him though.

  The next day Dany sends her bloodriders out to look for an inhabited city.  Aggo and Rakharo found nothing.  Jhogo returned from a city called Qarth.  He brought with three creepy ass citizens.  Pyat Pree, Quaithe and Xaro Xhoan Daxos.  More on them later.

 

Jon II

  The Night’s Watch gets to a wildling village called Whitetree.  It houses a gigantic weirwood tree.  The village is deserted like every other wildling settlement.  Not only are the people gone, the game are gone as well.  That’s super spooky.  Everyone knows that when animals are scare, humans should be scared too.  Apparently the NW don’t know the rules of horror movies though.  LC Mormont vows to find out whatever is going on.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Poor Doreah.

Cumulative deaths: 38

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

 

 

The Talented Mr. Tyrion

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion II, Arya III

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet Sauvignon

 

  Sorry I’ve been neglectful.  I’ve had the flu and can’t quite seem to shake it.  The Olympics are a big distraction too.  Hopefully I’ll get back into it soon.

 

Tyrion II

  Tyrion is wining and dining Janos Slynt.  You might remember Janos from such hits as helping Ned get arrested and helping Ned get executed.  What a guy!  Janos is all sloppy drunk because like Tyrion and myself he likes the wine.  Today however, Tyrion is staying sober so he can toy with Janos and get him talking.  He does this by giving him lots of passive aggressive compliments.  He manipulates Janos into admitting that his top toady Allar Deem killed Robert’s baby bastard and her mother at that brothel.  Then Tyrion really puts the screws in by bringing up the Night’s Watch and interrogating him about Ned’s execution.  Janos admits to his involvement with that whole mess.

  Tyrion decides to send him to the Night’s Watch.  This turns Janos into a blubbering mess.

Janos tries to act like he can get out of it, but the new commander of the city watch Jacelyn Bywater comes to escort him away.  Tyrion has Bywater suggest to the ships captain that will be taking Slynt and Deem north that Deem should encounter an unfortunate accident.

  With this being done, Varys swishes in.  Tyrion is a little annoyed with him for not cluing him on it being Cersei’s idea to kill all of Robert’s bastards.  I’m not sure who else he thought it could possibly be, but whatever.

  After lobbing subtext laden blurbs back and forth for awhile, Varys tells Tyrion his famous riddle about power being a trick and a shadow on the wall.  Because GRRM can’t let Tyrion soak in his high point of the series for too long.  No, he needs to be befuddled by Varys.

  Later on Tyrion and Bronn are conversing and Tyrion asks Bronn if he’d kill babies for him.  Bronn would do it for a price.  That gives Tyrion some dead baby flavored food for thought.

 

Arya III

  The NW party has left the king’s road and is travelling the broke down country roads.  Their progress is slow and it’s annoying Arya.  She’s also become paranoid about the gold cloaks catching up with them.  At one point they eat corn.  That’s weird because corn is a new world crop and Westeros is supposed to be like medieval Europe.  I know they’re aren’t exactly the same, but the prevalence of corn in ASOIAF always sticks out for me and I just had to get it out.

  The party spots a fire burning up the night sky for days.  Eventually they find a village that has been completely burned down.  There are burnt up bodies impaled on sticks.  Shudder.  The only survivors are a two year old girl who won’t stop crying and a woman with an amputated arm who has had some kind of PTSD breakdown.  Sadly she dies that night.  Another disturbing factoid is that the water they have to drink tastes like corpse.

  This must be the most disturbing chapter written from the perspective of a nine/ten year old girl ever.

 

Davos I

  Stannis, his wife Selyse and Melisandre have decided to burn Dragonstone’s statues of the Seven to solidify Stannis’ allegiance to R’hllor.  Davos is a little bit uncomfortable with this because it’s the faith he grew up with.  However, he feels he owes Stannis many solids for promoting him to knight instead of executing for smuggling so he just deals with it.  Also, Melisandre scares the crap out of him.

  After some chanting Mel talks about the hero of R’hllor faith Azor Ahai and his flaming sword Lightbringer.  There is a prophecy that AA will be reborn and will have his own Lightbringer.  Mel uses a glamor to make it look like Stannis’ sword is burning like Lightbringer.  Her whole schtick is that Stannis is AAR.

  Later, Davos is talking with his old friend the pirate Salladhor Saan.  He’s promised treasury from King’s Landing in return for Salla’s ships.  They trade some gossip and then Salla tells Davos more about the AAR myth.  Azor Ahai opposed the darkness that had fallen over the world by making a magical sword lightbringer.  It had to be forged three different times and didn’t become magical until it was used to stab his wife Nissa Nissa.  he had to sacrifice the most important thing to him.

  After the exposition talk with Salladhor, Davos is summoned for a council meeting with Stannis and his bannermen.  Stannis has a letter declaring Joffrey a bastard and Stannis the true king.  This letter is to be sent out all over the place to all the important lords.  This is also where we learn Davos can’t read.

  Stannis and Davos decide they need proof of Robert’s bastard making habit.  They have it in the form of Edric Storm.  Edric is the son of Robert and Delena Florent.  The problem is, he’s at Storm’s End which is Renly’s stronghold.

 

All right.  That’s all for now. I should be back Tuesday or Wednesday hopefully with a full entry.  For now, I must go hack up some more phlegm.

 

How not to keep a hostage

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Arya II, Jon I, Catelyn I

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

This might be a short post because I’ve been sick and I don’t know if I’m up for five whole chapters.  We’ll see.

 

Arya II

  The Night’s Watch recruits keeps moving north along the king’s road.  All the other travelers they see are going south.  That can’t be a good sign.  One woman even tells them that they are fools and will be killed.  Eventually they start seeing a shit ton of fresh graves.  They stop at an inn.  Arya doesn’t dare take a bath and reveal her peenless state even though she is super stanky.  The innkeeper tells Yoren that it’s a bad idea to go north.  The fields are burnt, the villages are destroyed and it isn’t safe.

  I know this blog is meant to be on the lighthearted snarky side, but I’d like to say that I really appreciate that GRRM does not shy away from how terrible war is.  Usually stories focus on the glories and defeats of the higher ups.  That’s also true in the media depictions of real life wars.  Rarely does anyone talk about how devastating war is for the little people.  It usually gets glossed over in fantasy.  The realistic portrayal of how horrific war actually is, is one of the major reasons why I love this series.

  Arya listens to gossip about the various factions.  Also there are a pack of (literal not Stark) wolves roaming around the Riverlands eating all the livestock and not fearing men. There are hundreds of them.  The implication is that these wolves are led by Nymeria.  One man alleges that Nymeria went into a village and stole a baby.  Arya gets pissed about this and protests.  Yoren makes her leave.

  Outside, the cage of three manacled creepers start calling out to her.  The hot one with the red and white striped hair merely wants beer and a bath.  The noseless one acts creepy and the one with filed teeth hisses at her.  The hottie disavows them as not his chosen companions.  His name is Jaqen H’ghar of the free city of Lorath.  He says the noseless creeper is named Rorge and the hisser is named Biter.  Rorge threatens to sodomize Arya with a stick because he’s such an awesome person.  Briter tries to attack and she pops him between the eyes!

  Gendry interrupts them and makes her get away from the cage o evil mutants.  Of course, Arya being Arya gets all defensive and wants to fight him.  Then they see the gold cloaks of the city watch coming up the road.  Arya has them duck down behind a hedge.  She tells him they are after her.

  The officer wants the boy and Yoren is refusing.  The gold cloak says he will take their boy by force, but he only has five back up soldiers and all the NW recruits step up to protect their fellow recruits.  Even Hot Pie.  Arya jumps up to join the defense and so does Gendry.  Then it is revealed that Gendry is the one they are after.  The GC realize they’re outnumbered and ride back to King’s Landing.

  Yoren knows they’ll return in greater numbers so he urges everyone to get ready to flee.  Arya and Gendry are suspicious of each other because they don’t realize why the other one would be sought after.  Actually, poor dumb Gendry doesn’t even know why he’s wanted.

 

Jon I

  Jon wakes up Sam who’s been studying in the NW library.  He was sent to find maps of beyond the Wall.  They discuss the ranging they have to on.  Sam is pants pissing scared and Jon tries to comfort him, but he’s scared too.

  Jon reflects on the news that Robb is now a king.  He tries to pretend he’s not jelly, but he is.  Jon goes to see Mormont and the new first ranger (by his own estimation) Thoren (named after the dwarf in The Hobbit?) Smallwood is there.  He is trying to convince LC Mormont that the LC’s place is at Castle Black not a ranging.  Mormont doesn’t give any craps and informs Thoren that he isn’t the boss and opinion doesn’t matter.  Mormont says that Benjen is still first ranger until he’s proven dead.  Mormont tells Jon the story of how Aemon was offered the crown and refused to take it.  Take that how you will.

  Mormont’s raven keeps saying “king” and Jon thinks it means Mormont is meant to be crowned a king.  Oh, Jon.  You silly!  Mormont points out that both Jon and Aemon have a king for a brother in common,  Hm.  He calls Jon out on wanting to have the same prestige as Robb, but Jon vows to keep his oath.

 

Catelyn I

  Hoster’s blacksmith has just finished Robb’s crown.  It’s bronze and iron with no gems and frippery.  Robb is brought acaptive.  It’s Cleos Frey.  He’s on team Lannister because his mother Genna is Tywin’s sister.  They want him to carry a message to Cersei declaring their peace terms.  Robb makes Cleos swear to return and he will be sending an escort to make sure he keeps that vow.

  Robb’s terms are that he will release the Lannister boys but keep Jaime hostage.  Cersei will release Arya (ha!) and Sansa and Tywin has to release his hostages.  Robb also demands northern independence.  Lord Karstark is lurking in the back and stalks out all pissed off.  Robb knows some of his bannermen won’t like any truce arrangement.

  Cat points out that Cersei won’t agree to a hostage trade unless it included Jaime.  Robb knows he can’t give him up even though emotionally speaking he and Cat both want Sansa and Arya back.  They’re only girls after all.  Blech.

  Robb wants Cat to go to the Twins to pick out his wife, but she doesn’t want to.  He is also planning on sending Theon back home to the Iron Islands to negotiate with his father Balon.  She points out that Theon is a hostage and sending him would be effectively releasing him.  Robb trust Theon however.  Dumbass.

  Catelyn and Blackfish are talking war things.  Blackfish says that Amory Lorch who murdered Rhaenys Targaryen is now afoot along with Gregor Clegane.  Also, Tywin as hired the Bloody Mummers, some sociopathic mercenaries led by Vargo Hoat.  They need help.  Catelyn decides she must go negotiate with Renly.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  I’m not sure I mentioned it, but Praed the NW recruit dies on the road.

Cumulative deaths: 37

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Always wear pants to the tourney

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Prologue, Arya I, Sansa I, Tyrion I, Bran I

Booze in my flagon:  Malbec

 

Prologue

  The comet that Daenerys saw at the end of AGOT can also be seen in Westeros.  Maester Cressen is watching it from a balcony at Dragonstone.  The bright red and intense look of the comet is making him feel superstitious.  He hates that because maesters are trained to be rational and (relative to the time and place) scientific.  I hear ya, Cressen.  I’m an atheist and skeptic.  Yet, a dark bathroom scares the crap out of me.  What if I look at the mirror and there is a ghost right behind me?  Gaah!

  In addition to the comet, steam is coming out of the presumed volcano Dragonmont and a white raven arrived from the citadel where the maester headquarters is.  Albino ravens herald the change in seasons.  It is no longer summer.  Fall is here.  That means what?  You know what!  Winter is coming.

  Pylos, a younger maester who is fairly new to Dragonstone interrupts Cressen’s musings.  He tells him that Princess Shireen wants to see the white raven and she brought Patchface, Dragonstone’s fool with her.  Shireen is Stannis Baratheon’s only child with his wife Selyse nee Florent.  She is 10 years old, shy and awkward with her father’s jutting jaw and her mother’s Obama ears.  Half of her face is covered with greyscale.  Greyscale is a disease that is deadly to adults but survivable among children.  She got the disease as a baby and her face is still grey, scaly and hard.  I think it’s a combination of Leprosy and Scleroderma.

  Apparently, Shireen is awake at this time because she had her recurring nightmare about dragon eating her.  Uh, oh.  Cressen tries to comfort her by saying that the stone dragons at the castle just look realistic because the Valyrians had magical techniques to shape stone.  However, Shireen has heard from the red woman (more on her in a minute) said that the comet portended dragons coming back to life.  of course, Cressen doesn’t know any better and tells her that this just can’t be true.  These maesters just can’t seem to grasp that they are in a fantasy tale can they?

  Then they start talking about the changing seasons and Patchface interrupts with some creepy nonsense jingles.  He wears a bucket with antlers and bells.  Stannis’ parents had found Patchy in Essos.  He was a very talented entertainer.  When they were near Dragonstone they got shipwrecked.  Steffon Baratheon and his wife drowned.  Three days later, Patchy washed up somehow he was still alive.  Except he had some sort of brain damage that makes him all extra creepity.

  Pylos returns to tell Cressen that Davos Seaworth has returned.  Davos is a former smuggler who was raised to knighthood because he smuggled food onto Dragonstone during Robert’s rebellion when Stannis was holding it and it was besieged by Lord Mace Tyrell.  The island was starving.  Davos’ nickname is the Onion Knight because that was what he smuggled in.  However, smuggling is a crime and Stannis is really into upholding the letter of the law at all times so he also hacked off some of his fingers.  Davos wears those bones in a pouch around his neck.  Davos is now a trusted friend and ally to Stannis.  He just returned from canvassing various other lords for support.  He had no luck.  Davos tells Cressen that he advised against going to war with Joffrey, but Stannis will not heed that advice.  He believes his claim to be true and that’s that.

  Cressen goes to see Stannis.  Stannis is skinny and he has a permaclenched jaw.  He grinds his teeth all the time and doesn’t smile much.  Usually only women are called out for having bitchy resting face, but it definitely applies to Stannis.  He is pissed right off that the Storm Lords have declared for Renly.  The seat of the Storm Lands is the Baratheon’s ancestoral home Storm’s End.  Robert gave SE to Renly after he won the crown, an action that Stannis is still not over because Renly is younger than Stannis.  Stannis thinks of Renly as a shallow douche undeserving of his good fortune.  Fair point.  He will not compromise with Renly or accept Robb’s new status as King in the North.  Also, he is pretty bitter at Ned because Robert loved him so much more than he loved Stannis.

  Selyse comes in and interrupts them.  She is unattractive and mustached.  You know how it is in fiction ugly woman = THE WORST!!!  Selyse is no exception.  She is even more dour than Stannis is.  She agrees that Stannis is the rightful king and should never compromise.  She believes R’hllor wants him to be king.  R’hllor AKA the Lord of Light is a god imported from the east.  Selyse converted to the worship of LoL when the priestess Melisandre of Asshai (where Mirri Maz Durr studied !) got a vision that Stannis is the king and arrived on Dragonstone.  The mission of the LoL is to fight against the Great Other who is all about darkness.

  Stanis is still skeptical about his wife’s new religion.  I can’t say I blame him.  New converts are annoying whether it’s religion, the paleo diet or crossfit.  Selyse informs Stannis that Melisandre had a vision of Renly dead.  Cressen is appalled at this fratricidal talk and dislikes this religion.  He is a follower of the Seven.  Stannis isn’t trying to hear that and he dismisses Cressen.

  Cressen goes up to his room and decides that Melisandre is a big danger to Stannis.  He must be rid of her.  he decides to poison her with an amethyst colored substance nicknamed the strangler because it makes its victims choke to death and turn purple.  It can be disguised as choking on food.

  Cressen naps and when he wakes up realizes that he’s late to dinner with Stannis, Selyse, Mel and Stannis’ bannermen. We meet Melisandre for the first time.  She is tall, red haired, red eyed and beautiful with an imposing confidant personality. She wears a choker with a ruby on it that sometimes glows.  Confession time, I usually hat religious zealots.  But Mel is a fucking fabulous badass.  I love her!

  Patchy crashes into Cressen and knocks him over.  Mel mocks him for it and makes him wear Patchy’s bucket antler bell thing.  Stannis adds further insult to injury by informing Cressen that he was not invited to dinner because he’s a yammering old man and not needed.  He takes the opportunity to play fake nice with Mel and invite her to share a cup of (poisoned) wine.

  They both drink from the cup.  Cressen is killed.  Mel is unaffected.  She attributes this to R’hllor, bolstering her claim that God wants Stannis to be king.

  Holy shneikes that was a long info dump of a chapter.  I’ll try and make the rest of this post a bit more fun.

 

Arya I

  Arya has been posing as a boy commoner who is being recruited for the Night’s Watch.  Yoren cut her hair off before they left so she would look masculine.  The procession is full of rowdy orphan boys, rapers, thieves, poachers and a cage with three hardened criminals in it.  Their names are Jaquen H’gar, Rorge and Biter.  Rorge has a cut off nose and Biter has teeth that are filed into points.

  Arya, who is going by ‘Arry’ is the smallest and youngest of the lot.  Two of the orphan boys called Hot Pie and Lommy pick on her for this.  They call her lumpy head.  They make fun of Needle and accuse her of stealing it.  This enrages her.  An older boy steps in to defend Arya.  He has a bull helm.  Spoiler alert!  It’s Gendry, Robert’s bastard.

  Hot Pie tries to steal Needle, but Arya kicks his fat ass.  HP is sprawled on the ground crying until Yoren comes along and breaks it up.  After that, the boys are afraid of her.  That night Arya dreams of Winterfell and wishes to reunite with Jon.  Awww.

 

Sansa I

  It’s Joffrey’s name day.  The spin around the court is that the comet is there to portend glory for Joffrey.  Yeah, OK.  Sansa dresses to attend Joff’s birthday tourney.  She wears long sleeves to hide the bruises there from the beating she got when he heard Robb was claiming KitN.  Oh, ish!  That’s some depraved shit.

  This tourney is a piece of crap compared to the tourney from AGOT.  All the best knights are away at war.  Cersei won’t even be there because she will be in council meetings.  Myrcella and Tommen however, are there.  They’re still super cute. 

  When Sansa takes her seat next to Joff, he informs her that Viserys is dead and declares that he will kill Robb too.  Sure you will.  The Hound is guarding because this tourney is beneath him.  After a few jousts it is the turn of Lothar Brune, a servant of Littlefinger and Ser Dontos Hollard.  Dontos is wasted.  Like, he would be on Cops after a bar fight wasted.  He staggers out to the field pantsless with his peen flopping about.

  Joffrey is displeased because isn’t he always?  You’d think he’d enjoy the entertainment that drunken hot messes bring.  But, no.  He’s about to kill Dontos by making him drink himself to death shotgunning a cask of wine.  Sansa protests.  She cleverly makes up some crap about it being bad luck to kill someone on your birthday.  The Hound is nice enough to agree.  Joffrey buys it.  Sansa convinces him to make him a fool instead of killing him the next day.

  Shortly after there is a commotion.  It is Tyrion and his hill folk.  Tommen and Myrcella are delighted to see him.  Joffrey not so much.  He leaves and Sansa has some awkward conversation with Tyrion.  She tries to fake loyalty to the Lannisters, but you know he sees through it.  Even though he’s nice, Sansa has vowed to never trust another Lannister.

 

Tyrion I

  Tyrion decides to crash the small council meeting.  Hee hee.  Cersei is super bitchy.  Not pleased to see him at all.  He presents the letter from Tywin that gives him Hand proxy powers.  Cersei is incensed at losing the power to a sibling that she isn’t fucking.  The other council members Slynt, Pycelle, Varys and Littlefinger are more welcoming although LF makes sure to seem all smarmy about it.

  Tyrion sends everyone away to talk to Cersei privately.  She is really not taking his hand job (tee-hee) well and threatens to send him to the dungeons and declare the letter a forgery.  Tyrion negs her by pointing out her failures and offering to help make it all better.  They come to an uneasy truce.  But not before Tyrion makes it clear that he’s aware of the twincest.

I have plenty of criticisms for Tyrion in later books, but he fucking rules in this one.  He also implies that he knows she killed Robert and strongly suggests she keep Sansa alive.  Good.  Sansa’s previous chapter is when I really started to like her.

  Tyrion leaves and goes outside to order that all the gross festering heads on spikes be taken down.  He rides around the city to appraise thing and realizes that King’s Landing has gone to shit.  There’s chaos everywhere and the Tyrell’s who control the food supply and the road into KL have cut them off.  The poors are hungry.  This can only end well.

  Tyrion goes to the inn where Shae is staying to visit her.  Varys is already there because he’s a shifty eunuch and knows everything.  This is Varys’ message that Tyrion and shit and Varys has his number.  He tells Tyrion a riddle about how power is an illusion.  it lies where people think it does.  Hmm…

  Varys leaves and Tyrion and Shae get it on.

 

Bran I

  Bran has been having a lot of wolf dreams lately.  Summer and Shaggydog have been restless and constantly howling lately.  They know when shit is going down.  The comet is visible in Winterfell too.  Old Nan thinks it means dragons.  ON is a damn genius.  I’m not even snarking right now.  She knows all.  For maybe the only time in the series Bran acts his age and imitates the wolves by howling at the comet.  Luwin chastises Bran and doesn’t think the wolf dreams are very significant.  Oh, Luwin.

  The wolves have been trapped in a pen because Shaggy lunged at the Frey wards Big Walder and Little Walder.  They were annoying and played a game called ‘Lord of the Crossing’ that involves knocking people over that try to cross a log over water.  It was Rickon getting hit with a stick that caused Shaggy to attack.

  Bran has some more spooky wolf dreams.  They foreshadow of course.  The end.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Cressen.

Cumulative deaths: 36

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Fire! Fire! Heh, heh, cool

Book I am reading: AGOT the conclusion!

Chapters: Jon X, Catelyn XI, Daenerys X

Booze in my flagon:  Vodka and diet Sunkist (better than it sounds)

 

Jon X

  Jon decides to run away from home.  Sam is begging him not to go because he’s worried that he’ll end up like Mark Paul Gosselar in that 1990′s TV movie about teen runaways.  Or get beheaded by the NW.  But Jon is determined to go join Robb and avenge Ned.  Jon gets pretty far, past Mole’s town where the underground brothel is.  Eventually though he realizes Ghost is no longer keeping up with his horse.  He calls for Ghost and waits a half hour for him to return.

  After awhile, Jon hears the sounds of horses coming from the north.  It’s Grenn, Pyp, Toad, and Halder.  Jon tries to hide but Ghost bounds up to them and gives him away.  Jon refuses to go back with them, but they surround him and chant the NW vow at him.  He surrenders and makes plans to leave at some other time.

  The next morning, LC Mormont lets Jon know he knows about the desertation attempt.  Aemon apparently got super perception powers to compensate for his blindness and warned Mormont he would try it.  Maybe not super perception.  Maybe it’s just that emo guys think they’re far more mysterious than they really are.  Mormont has also worked out that Jon wants to run away at some other time.  He points out that Jon is being really self centered.  He isn’t that amazing of a warrior and Mormont’s own sister Maege is probably marching off to war with Robb. 

  Finally, Mormont points out that the war against Mance Rayder and his wilding army and the Others is more important.  Jon and Ghost are needed to go on a hug ranging beyond the Wall to look for Benjen and all the missing rangers.  Jon decides to get his shit together and he promises not to run off again.

 

Catelyn XI

  Catelyn, Robb, et al have reached Riverrun.  Cat’s younger brother Edmure and a Tully bannerman who helped capture Jaime named Tytos Blackwood are there to greet them.  Cat is told that her father Hoster is bedridden and dying.  She is pissed that nobody told her what was going on, but Hoster wanted it kept secret that he was ill so the Tullys didn’t look too weak.

  Cat and Edmure go to visit Hoster in his bedchamber.  He looks very frail and ill.  She tells him that they freed Riverrun and captured Jaime.  He wants to see Robb for the first time since he was a baby, but he’s less thrilled about seeing Blackfish.  Blackfish still refuses to marry and there is tension between the two.  Oh, Hoster.  Blackfish doesn’t want a wife.  He was born this way.  You can’t change it.  First though, he wants to nap.

  Cat goes down to the godswood where Robb is brooding.  Just like daddy used to.  He’s praying with the other lords (and Maege Mormont) who keep the old gods.  When Robb is done he shares with her the new that Renly has made a claim for the IT.

  Later, they convene a war council.  They argue over whether to support Stannis, Renly or to kill Joffrey and let Tommen, who isn’t evil succeed him.  Catelyn wants to offer peace terms.  However, all the dudebros would rather have vengeance.  They declare that they will never call a Lannister their king.  Greatjon Umber stands up and bellows that he will only bow to one king.  Robb.  The King in the North.  He wants the north to be independent again.  The other lords agree.  They chant “the King in the North!”

  And don’t you forget it!

 

Daenerys X

  Dany is having a pyre built.  She intends to burn Mirri Maz Duur.  Mirri calls her an ignorant ho for trying to mess with bloodmagic.  She isn’t trying to hear that and she has Jhogo whip her.  Dany’s future bloodriders are piling all of Drogo’s possessions on the pyre.

  Jorah is also trying to stop her.  Dany only cares that he had the gall to call her princess.  Now that Viserys is dead, she’s his motherfucking queen!  She tells him not to worry about her burning.  She knows what she’s doing.

  Dany gathers all the people that are left.  She tells the slaves that they are free to leave or to follow her.  She tries to get Jhogo, Aggo and Rakharo to become bloodriders but they don’t want a girl for a boss.  She names Jorah her queensguard and he gives her an oath of fealty.

  To get ready for the funeral pyre Dany takes a scalding bath.  I don’t know why because the fire is going to burn off anything germy on her body anyway.  Her handmaidens dress her.  Once again she has crotch perfume dabbed on her.  Again I ask, is this an actual thing or does GRRM have some sort of fetish for scented labia?  Anyways, she takes it upon herself to dress Drogo up and braid his hair.

  Finally it is time.  Drogo is carried to the pyre.  Dany also puts the dragons eggs on the pyre.  Jorah is against it of course.  Dany doesn’t care, of course.  Lastly, Mirri is put on the pyre and covered in oil.  Mirri says she will not scream.

  As they are about to light the pyre, Jhogo spots a red comet in the sky.  Dany interprets it at as a strong sign.  They light the fire.  Mirri sings and then starts to scream.  It reaches Drogo and then the pyre gets so hot everyone else is driven back.  Dany however “stands her ground.”  Like George Zimmerman?

  Dany is overtaken with the urge to step into the fire.  Her clothes are burning, but she somehow isn’t.  She stays in the fire until it dies off.  She isn’t burned at all.  Her dragon eggs have hatched.  There is a cream/gold dragon and a green/bronze dragon at each breast and a black/red one around her shoulders.

  Everybody is freaking out, but in a good way.  Everyone who stuck around is now a loyal follower of the mother of dragons.

Beavis would certainly follow her!

A Game of Thrones ends with the sound of dragons crying for the first time in hundreds of years.

 

At last!  This book took awhile to recap and I’m pretty sure it’s the shortest one.  I look forward to starting A Clash of Kings in a few days, or maybe tomorrow if I feel like drinking and blogging while I’m home sick with a cold.  It only gets crazier from here.

 

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Mirri Maz Durr.

Cumulative deaths: 35.  35 characters died in a single book.  Wow!  This is probably the tames of the 5 so I can only imagine how big this number will get.

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1. Jon nearly violates his oath

Cumulative betrayals: 10

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

Get out of my dreams and into my crypt

Book I am reading:  AGOT

Chapters:  Bran VII, Sansa VI, Daenerys IX, Tyrion IX

Booze in my flagon: Vodka with sparkling water

 

Bran VII

  Bran is watching Rodrick, who has returned to Winterfell train boys in sword fighting.  No.  That’s not what it sounds like.  All the men have marched off with Robb so the young guys need to be trained to guard Winterfell.

  Bran is telling Maester Luwin about the dream he had last night.  The Three Eyed Crow told Bran to go down in the crypts with him.  Ned was there and he was sad but he doesn’t remember what they talked about.  Something to do with Jon.  When he woke up, he tried to get Hodor to take him down there, but Hodor wouldn’t go.  He wants Luwin to take him down to the crypts, but he thinks Bran is being silly and Ned won’t be dead for years.  Oh, Luwin.

  Osha pops up and offers to take him to the crypts.  Summer follows and Luwin goes with them after all.  There’s a cold and spooky feeling in the air.  Bran thinks he hears something and Luwin, of course thinks it’s his imagination.  Then Bran has been proven right.  Something jumps out at them.  It’s Shaggydog.  Rickon’s wolf.  SD is acting like Cujo and bites Luwin so Summer starts fighting him.  It doesn’t stop until Rickon emerges from the shadows and calls SD off.

  Rickon, in a remarkable vocabulary feat for a four year old explains that he dreamed about Ned, who told him he’s coming home.  Luwin looks a little uncertain of his previous skepticism.  They go to Luwin’s tower to dress his wounds.  Luwin is still trying to rationalize the boys psychic dreams away.  Osha is more open minded.

  They wind up talking about the Children of the Forest.  They were the creatures that lived in Westeros before the First Men came.  The COTF and the First Men went to war when the FM came over from Essos.  Eventually they made a truce and became friends.  The First Men eventually took up the Children’s gods.  The Old Gods that they still worship today.  Luwin believes the COTF are all dead, killed when the Andals (southerners) invaded.  Osha says they still live beyond the Wall.

  All of a sudden Summer and Shaggydog start howling.  Maybe they want snausages?  Probably not.  Bran has a feeling that something is very wrong.  Rickon starts crying.  Just then a raven arrives with the news of Ned’s death.

 

Sansa VI

  Sansa has been staying in bed crying and sleeping.  She considers suicide by jumping out the window.  She doesn’t do it.  Probably for the best.  She might have ended up like Bran.  Eventually Joffrey makes her get up and join him at court.  Finally, finally Sansa hates him as much as everybody else.  He claims it was mercy to kill him cleanly and she still has to marry him.  She tells Joffrey that she hates him and he has Kingsguard member Meryn Trant hit her.  Classy.

  At court, Joffrey makes all his rulings in the fashion of Kim Jong family members.  Or insert whatever dictator you don’t like in the previous sentence.  After court Joffrey makes Sansa take a walk with him.  He calls her stupid and says Cersei thinks she’s stupid too.  Now Sansa knows Cersei was just being phony to her all along. 

  Joffrey makes her go up to the battlements to looks at the severed heads on spikes of her father and the rest of the Stark household.  He also has empty spikes for Stannis and Renly.  He tells her that he’ll kill Robb and give her his head.  Sansa says that maybe Robb will give her his head.

Ooh Burn

  I will continue to post teen movie gifs as a way to deal with the sad and angry feelings these books give me.

Joffrey has Meryn hit her again.  She contemplates throwing herself and Joffrey off the wall, but the Hound stops her.

 

Daenerys IX

  Dany is having crazy fever dreams.  I don’t feel like describing them.  Suffice to say there is a major dragon theme.  She finally wakes up and is very dizzy and weak.  She drifts in and out of sleep.  Mizzi keeps feeding her some sort of roofied wine.  At one point she requests her dragon eggs come over for a cuddle.

  At last she wakes up for realsies and learns that Rhaego is dead and Drogo is still alive.  Nobody seems very happy about that though. Also, the baby looked like a hideous monster.  Mizzi seems kind of gleeful about that.  Dany decides to go see Drogo.  Outside of the tent there are only about a hundred people.  It turns out that a lot of Dothraki took this opportunity to make themselves Khals and everyone else followed them and left.

  Drogo is basically comatose.  It seems that Mizzi cheated her.  She admits that it was revenge for what Drogo and his khalasar did to her people.  She has Mirri carried off.  Later, just before dawn she suffocates Drogo with a pillow.

 

Tyrion IX

  Tywin is despondent because Robb has captured Jaime.  Tyrion and Tywin’s bannermen argue over what to do next.  Finally, Tywin kicks everyone but Tyrion and Kevan out.  Tywin informs them that Renly has married Margaery Tyrell and has all of the Reach on his side.  They decide that the most immediate priority is to take out the Starks before Stannis or Renly can do anything.  Tywin declares they will go to Harrenhal.

  Tyrion however, will not be going with them.  Tywin is sending him to King’s Landing to go to court and act as acting Hand of the King.  He forbids Tyrion from bringing Shae to court.

Deaths in this recap:  1.  Drogo.

Cumulative deaths: 34

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  1

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Mirri Maz Durr pretended to be on Dany’s side and wasn’t. 

Cumulative betrayals: 9

Incest incidents: 0 

Cumulative incests: 6

 

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