The Elliot Rodger of Westeros

Book I am reading:  A Storm of Swords

Chapters:  Prologue, Jaime I, Catelyn I

Booze in my flagon:  malbec

I was sick last weekend so didn’t feel up to blogging.  But now I will finally get to start recapping ASOS.  I’m already wondering how the hell I’m going to cover the RW…

Prologue

Our latest soon to be dead narrator is Chett.  He’s the worst.  You might remember as the zit covered Night’s Watch man who used to be Aemon’s steward before Jon got them to give Sam the job.  He really resents them now.

Chett’s new job is taking care of the dogs.  It’s really cold up near the fist lately and the dogs are uneasy.  They refuse to hunt.  Chett’s friend Lark the Sisterman is with him as is a big guy named Small Paul who seems to be developmentally disabled.  It is revealed that they plan to kill Lord Commander Mormont and run away somewhere south.  Chett doesn’t want to be killed by wildlings who are according to Thoren Smallwood’s rangings on the move and coming towards them.  He means to live.  I think we all know that means he’s about to die.  But how?

We learn a little about Chett’s backstory now.  His father caught and sold leeches in Hag’s Mire which is part of Walder Frey’s domain.  He stabbed a girl for turning him down for sex and got sent to the Wall for his crime.  See?  I told you he was the worst.  He doesn’t even think he did anything wrong.  Now he plans to go kill Craster and take over his creep.  Such delusion.  He’s basically the Elliot Rodger of Westeros.

Finally Chett and his friends return back to the Fist.  They encounter a bunch of men doing archery practice.  Including Sam.  Chett goes into a rage at the sight of him.  He really, really hates having had his job stolen.

The temperatures are falling even more.  The creepy feeling from the prologue of AGOT is starting to set in.  As the night falls, Dywen is commenting on how the forest is too quiet.  No frogs, owls or wolves to be seen or heard.

All of a sudden, Mormont calls for an assembly of all the NW brothers.  Mormont has been convinced by Smallwood to march on the wildlings.  The wildlings outnumber them but are ill trained and armed so Mormont seems to think a sneak attack will work.  Of course, what they don’t know is that Orell lives on his eagle and is spying all the time.  The whole group shouts out their vows together.  As their voices die down it gets creepy again.  The wind whistles and Mormont’s raven says “die.”

Later that night as Chett is waiting for the time to attack Mormont, Same and the rest to come it starts snowing.  The snow will ruin the plan but Chett just thinks fuck it, might as well murder Sam anyway.  Then even that plan is foiled as the sound of the horn rings out.  At first he thinks maybe Halfhand and Jon are back.  A single blast means brothers returning.  But then a second blast comes.  Two blasts means wildlings.

Then comes a third and final blast.  The ravens start going nuts.  Three blasts haven’t sounded in thousands of years.  Three blasts mean the Others are there.  Chett pisses himself and on that note the chapter ends and we don’t get to find out what happens for a good long while.

Jaime I

Jaime is pretty damn happy to be out of the dungeon.  In fact, “an east wind blew through his tangled hair, as soft and fragrant as Cersei’s finger.”  Ewwww.  Brienne is in a much more serious mood though.  Jaime is about as much of a jerk as you expected him to be before he became a POV character and he keeps thinking about how big and ugly Brienne is.  He even compares her to a cow.  Sigh.

He barely remembers his escape from Riverrun.  He was super drunk and Brienne, Catelyn and Cleos Frey had to do all the work.  He eventually passed out.  The deal is, Jaime has to find Arya and Sansa and bring them back safely to Catelyn and he also had to swear not to take up arms against the Starks/Tullys anymore.

Jaime is asking to have his chains off but Brienne is not having it.  He calls her wench which she doesn’t like.  They banter for awhile and Cleos tries and fails to get Jaime to be nice.  Cleos is the son of Genna Frey nee Lannister who as we’ll see later is awesome and Emmon Frey who is a big loser.  He’s very weak willed and afraid of Tywin.  That’s why Cleos, despite being a Frey is team Lannister.

Now Jaime is remembering that wacky time he defenestrated Bran.  He kind of regrets it.  Not because of empathy or anything.  Because it’s caused him a lot of trouble.  Even Cersei wasn’t pleased about it.  This is why Jaime doesn’t think that Cersei could have been the one to send that catspaw after him.  He also thinks she would have sent Jaime if he wanted the boy dead.  So who did send him?  Maybe we’ll find out later.

Jaime has Cleos shave off his hair in hopes that he won’t be recognized.  I’m glad they didn’t do that in the show because bald, bearded Jaime would have looked a bit Walter White for my taste.  He also has a bunch of louses that have to be picked out.  Ew.  Jaime sees his reflection and thinks Cersei will hate the fact that he doesn’t look as much like her now that he’s bald and looks a gaunt mess.  That.  Is.  So.  Fucked up.

They are sailing down the river and the countryside is all deserted and sad.  Usually the Trident is bustling.  One of my favorite things about ASOIAF is that GRRM makes sure to include the toll that war takes on the common people.  That’s usually glossed over in fantasy.  Or any other fiction in which there is a war.

Eventually they spot a fire.  They see a ruined building and a slew of female corpses hanging from a tree.  Jaime wants to move on but Brienne insists that they should get a proper burial.  A sign hung around one woman’s neck that said “they lay with lions.”  Lesson learned.  The Stark side isn’t 100% pure either.  At this point Cleos tells them that Bolton has Harrenhal.  That makes their trip even more dangerous.

The grave digging work is cut short when Brienne spots a sail in the distance.  It’s Tully colored.  Apparently it didn’t take long for the Tully men to discover Cat’s misbehavior.  The boat eventually gets close enough for Robin Ryger, the Tully captain at arms and Jaime to exchange taunts.  It seems like they’re pretty screwed but Brienne eventually manages to leave the boat, climb up a nearbye cliff and throw huge boulders down at Ryger’s ship.  This slowed them down and Brienne and Jaime manage to escape.

Catelyn I

Cat is in some trouble.  The castellan, Desmond Grell and Hoster’s steward Utherydes Wayn feel bad for her because of the (supposed) deaths of Bran and Rickon but they really have no choice but to punish her.  They let her off easy and confine her in Hoster’s chambers even though she offers to take Jaime’s fetters.

At this point, Hoster is dying and delirious and doesn’t know who anyone even is.  He keeps calling her “Tansy”  Catelyn doesn’t know who that is.  He keeps saying “forgive me” as well.  He also speaks of dead babies.

Later, a raven arrives.  Catelyn learns that Robb was injured storming the Crag, one of the Lannister’s holdings.  He should be OK but is temporarily laid up.  Hoster is at his ramblings again and she wonders if Tansy is some pet name for Lysa.  Lysa had several miscarriages which devastated her.

The next day, Edmure comes home.  And he is pissed.  He sent a raven to Harrenhal offering money for Jaime’s recapture.  Uh oh.

Deaths in this recap: 0  We all know a whole bunch of NW men are about to die though

Cumulative deaths: 85. 

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  8

Betrayals in this recap:  0

Cumulative betrayals: 19

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

Noseless chaps

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings.  Last chapters!

Chapters:  Tyrion XV, Jon VIII, Bran VII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot noir

 

Tyrion XV

  Tyrion is not dead after all.  Did anyone think he was?  He has all kinds of dreams.  Including one in black and white with ravens and everyone dead.  Including wolves, lions and stags.  He feels guilty about killing them all.  Hmm.  This must be a foreshadowing but fuck if I know what it is foreshadowing.

  He spends an unspecified amount of time in a milk of the poppy induced half awake and half asleep state.  Finally he awakes for reals and Podrick is there with a new maester.   Oh no wait.  He got tricked into drinking more roofie juice and goes back to dreamland.  This time it’s a nice dream in which he’s being feasted as a hero.

  Finally Tyrion wakes again and sort of gets up.  He realizes he’s been taken out of his bedchamber and is in some little dank cold room somewhere.  Gratitude:  King’s Landing style.

  Argh!  Now he’s dreaming again.  I’m getting sick of this.  Especially since he’s dreaming of Tysha and I’m given the painful reminder that a couple of books from now I’m going to have to read the phrase “where do whores go?” so many times.  Ugh.  The memories are all romantical but he knows she’s really a whore so it’s fake.  Blah, blah, blah.

  Now he’s awake again and he convinces the maester to stop drugging him by choking him with his maester’s chain.  Lovely.  He makes the maester take off his face bandages.  Except this isn’t the Twilight Zone.  There’s no beautiful face underneath.

Nope.  Motherfucker is practically noseless now.  Ouch.

  He finds out the maester’s name is Ballabar.  He’s in Maegor’s holdfast and of course Tywin has taken over as hand.  Poor Tyrion is now powerless and friendless except for Pod.  Good old Pod.

 

Jon VIII

  Jon and Qhorin have given up hope and are basically waiting for death so they’re like “fuck it, might as well make a fire.”  I’ve got to commend them for holding out all this time.  I’d have given in to the campfire urge ages ago.  Of course, they have no s’mores so that makes it a little less tempting.  The two of them are the only ones of the five left.  Ebben was sent to find Mormont.  Dalbridge is presumed dead because they heard a horn or something.

  Jon, Qhorin and Stonesnake tried to sneak away but that stupid skinchanged eagle is following them.  I just realize now the GRRM was pretty prophetic.  This is pretty much the Westeros version of a drone but drones weren’t a thing back in the 90s when this was written.  Eventually Stonesnake’s horse broke a leg and had to be killed so he got left behind to try to make it back to the Fist on foot.  He’s also presumed about to be dead.

  So here they are, sitting round a fire waiting for the wildlings to come.  Qhorin makes Jon say the Night’s Watch vows with him.  He then commands Jon to yield and join up with the wildlings.  He tells Jon to do whatever they ask to prove his loyalty.  He instructs him to bide his time and watch.  Find out what they’re up to.  He says “if the Wall should ever fall, all the fires will go out.”  Nice and ominous.

  They backtrack in hopes of tricking the wildlings and hide in a gorgeous sounding waterfall that’s nestled in some cliffs.  Jon starts to have some hope that this will work and he won’t have to deal with the wildlings.  Sadly, when they emerge in the morning the eagle drone is perched on the rocks waiting for them.  They stay in the crack (teehee) to wait and make a stand.  Ghost included.

  Eventually, 14 wildlings approach.  They are led by a creepy guy Qhorin calls Rattleshirt.  He and his horse are armored in bones.  Both animal and human.  I’m not really sure how this would work, but whatever.  It’s cool and scary so it doesn’t really matter.  The two of them are old enemies so they have some typical action movie style witty banter.  Also, one of the wildlings produces Ebben’s decapitated head.

  Then Jon and Qhorin finally put their plan into action.  Qhorin pretends to be pissed off that Jon is yielding and calls him a coward.  Rattleshirt thins he is a craven and wants to just kill him but Ygritte is there and insists he’s worth taking.  So Rattleshirt agrees to take him.  If he’ll kill Qhorin Halfhand.  Qhorin is such a good fighter that he almost wins.  Even when he is fighting half assed.  Ghost has to step in and help out by biting him in the calf.  At last Jon manages to cut Qhorin’s throat and kill him.  It is then that poor naïve Jon finally realizes that Qhorin knew all along that Jon would have to kill him.

 

Bran VII

  Finally!  We know for sure that Bran is alive.  Yay!  It turns out that he and the crew doubled back to Winterfell and have been hiding in the crypts this whole time.  Bran has been taking refuge in his wolf dreams and each time it is getting harder to bring him back.  Because of the warging, Bran knows what went down in Winterfell.  This last time he was gone inside Summer for three whole days.  Jojen and Meera are growing concerned.  They inform that eating as a wolf will not do anything to feed the boy.  He’ll starve if he keeps staying in Summer for so long.

  Because of what Bran saw, they decide it’s finally time to venture upstairs again.  They leave with Meera stealing Lord Rickard’s sword.  The door is blocked by debris so Hodor has to push through.  Almost immediately Summer and Shaggydog find them.  They forage for food and fin a bunch of corpses.  Including Poxy Tym.  At first Bran assumes the Ironborn did it but Osha points out that they are amongst the corpses.  Including Black Lorren.

  They go to the godswood and there they find maester Luwin injured and dying.  Ack!  I hate this part.  It always kills me.  He’s still able to talk a little bit and he reveals that he had suspected all along that the miller’s boys weren’t really Bran and Rickon.  He tells them what happened at Winterfell and councils the group to split up so the two princes aren’t together.  He asks Osha to put him out of his misery.  :(

  Afterwards they decide that Osha will take Rickon and Bran will go with Hodor, Jojen and Meera.  After Osha and Rickon depart, Bran asks if they will go to Greywater Watch.  But Jojen declares that they have to go north.

 

  That concludes A Clash of Kings.  Next week we start A Storm of Swords.

 

Deaths in this recap: 5.  Luwin (sob!), Black Lorren, Poxy Tym, Ebben and Qhorin (double sob)!

Cumulative deaths: 85.  This is a lot of deaths for two books.  Especially considering these are just the named characters.

Maybe deaths in this recap:  2. Squire Dalbridge and Stonesnake.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  8

Betrayals in this recap:  1.  Instead of gratitude from Tywin, Tyrion gets demoted and put in a shitty little cell.

Cumulative betrayals: 19

Incest incidents: 0  It’s been awhile.

Cumulative incests: 25

 

Going to Harrenhal, gonna bathe in a lot of leeches (to the tune of the song Peaches by the Presidents of the United States)

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Arya X, Sansa VIII, Theon VI

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet-sauvignon

 

Arya X

  Arya, morbid little creature she is spends her time looking at the tar dipped heads of the Lannister men killed after the Weasel Soup thing happened.  There are lots of corvids constantly circling around the heads and eating at them.  Mostly crows but sometimes the maester’s ravens join in the fun.  Arya likes to imagine that one of the heads belongs to Joffrey and I can’t say I blame her.

  Bolton’s men killed many people at Harrenhal.  Including servants like Harra the goodwife, Tothmure the maester and Lucan the armorer.  That’s pretty fucked up because they were just trying to survive and didn’t have much choice other than going with the flow.  The women who slept with any Lannister men were stripped and shaved and left out for the use of any man who wanted to be with them.  That’s MEGAAAAAAAAA fucked up.  Ew, ew, ew!  Clearly being a northerner does not make one a good guy.

  Arya runs into Gendry and he’s a little pissed off at her for destroying the peace.  Plus, the Bloody Mummers are now in Roose Bolton’s service and they are even more terrible than they were before.

  Later while doing errands, Arya runs into Elmar Frey.  He’s Roose’s squire.  I think by now we’ve all learned to preemptively headdesk every time a Frey enters the picture.  This kid doesn’t seem all that bad though.  Just a run of the mill brat.  What’s funny about the encounter is that unbeknownst to Arya, he was the Frey that Catelyn and Robb betrothed her to.  He has a history of bragging to Arya that he’s supposed to marry a princess.  It never once occurs to Arya that he’s talking about her.  I also find it kind of implausible that he never mentions her name, but whatever.

  Arya, who is now Roose’s cupbearer goes to attend him as he’s bathing in leeches.  Bathing in leeches.  Bathing in leeches.  Huh?  Why would you do this voluntarily?

Gross!  Anyway, this gives Arya an opportunity to listen in on his plans.  The Freys are worried that they’ll be besieged and starve but Roose intends no such thing.  He doesn’t seem concerned at all.  The Freys have lost confidence in Robb because he lost Winterfell and Bran and Rickon are dead.  Sadly, this is how Arya learns of what happened at Winterfell.  From a fucking Frey.  Another thing Arya overhears is that there is a pack of wolves roaming the Riverlands and attacking men.  This will probably be important later because they are probably led by Nymeria.  She also finds a map of the Riverlands when she’s alone and cleaning Roose’s chambers.

  Later on when Arya is practicing her swordplay and reciting her prayer/kill list she witnesses a raven delivering a message.  She wonders what it is.  Probably nothing good.  Dark wings, dark words and all that.  Later when she’s attending to Roose before bed she asks if he’ll take her with when he leaves Harrenhal.  He intimidatingly scolds her for questioning him, threatens to have her tongue cut out and never answers her.  Yikes.  And I thought people who don’t tip are bad.

  As Arya leaves Roose’s to go off to bed she runs into Elmar Frey again.  He’s crying.  He doesn’t get to marry a princess anymore he says it’s because the Freys have been dishonored.  He doesn’t elaborate and we don’t get to find out what the hell that means.  Arya tells Elmar she hopes his princess dies.  Um…

  Arya goes to pray in the godswood and hears a wolf howl.  She seems to gather strength from that and starts remembering her identity as a Stark.  She sneaks into the room where Gendry sleeps and asks him to meet her later and bring swords and Hot Pie.  She sneaks into Roose’s chamber and steals the map and his dagger.  She then goes to the stables and tells the groom that Roose needs three horses.  Luckily, Gendry and Hot Pie came to meet her.  She kills the guard, whispers “valar morghulis” and they escape into the night.

 

Sansa VIII

  Joffrey is holding a smug and celebratory court session.  Blech.  Tywin rode in on his warhorse.  The horse pooped right in front of the throne.  Go horse!  All the Tyrells are there and they’re all rich and impressive looking.  Garlan asks Joffrey to marry his sister Margaery.  Joff pretends to protest because he had made a vow but the high septon decides to allow it.  This is of course all a dog and (pooping?) pony show.  Cersei had informed her in advance about what was going to happen.  Sansa is pretty happy to be released from her engagement although she has to try not to show it.

  Then the war heroes are honored.  We learn that Lord Bryce Caron and Jon, Bryan and Edwyd Fossoway are amongst Stannis’ men who’ve been killed.  They are given rewards for this.  Littlefinger is given Harrenhal and made Lord Paramount of the Trident, a title that had been Hoster Tully’s.  A bunch of captives are brought forth to pledge their allegiance to Joffrey and be freed.  However a couple of Stannis Stans resist this and are killed.  This causes Joffrey to have a hilarious toddler style tantrum and he has to be taken away.  Bless.

  Later Sansa goes back to godswood and Dontos is there.  He informs her that she is to escape the night of Joffrey’s wedding.  He gives her an amethyst hairnet to wear to the festivities.  Why?  I guess we’ll see.

 

Theon VI

  Rodrik Cassel and the remaining northern men are outside of Winterfell, surrounding it.  Maester Luwin is trying to get him to yield but Theon ain’t having it.  Because the Ironborn are stubborn and stupid.  Theon would rather die than yield.  He tries to give an inspiring speech to his men but they are unimpressed.  Only 17 agree to stay and fight.  The rest leave to go back to the Iron Islands.

  Theon goes out to treat with Rodrik who of course shames him for fucking up Winterfell and the Starks when Eddard had been pretty good to him.  Rodrik demand Theon turn over the castle and himself.  But Theon refuses.  Because he has Rodrik’s daughter Beth as his hostage.  He gives Rodrik until dawn to get his army out of there.

  Theon retires to drink whine (typo and it stays) and wallow in self pity.  Boo fucking hoo.  Geez.  He really is quite an ass in this book isn’t he?  Luwin interrupts all the annoying angsting to once again plead that Theon leave and take the black.  Of course Theon doesn’t love that idea because they aren’t allowed to get their dicks wet and it would be awkward to have to be around Jon Snow all the time.  He starts to consider it anyway though.

  Suddenly there’s a commotion outside and a servant comes over to inform Theon that some other northmen came over and are fighting Rodrik and co.  Looks like the stanky servant Reek has delivered.  Reek’s men win the fight and deliver the corpses of Rodrik, Leobald Tallhart and Cley Cerwyn to Theon.  Luwin can’t even hide his dismay.  Poor Luwin.

  Theon opens the gates of Winterfell for Reek and his friends and notices that Reek is suddenly wearing all this fine armor.  Weird.  This is when we get a super villain speech and we learn that Reek was actually Ramsay Snow, Roose’s bastard all along.  Holy shit!  It’s like a soap.  I can’t help but love secret identities.  It’s a big part of why I love these books.  Loads of secret identities.  Ramsay’s men promptly start burning and killing everything.  Starting with Ulf.  Also Luwin got stabbed in the back :(  Then Theon blacks out.

 

Deaths in this recap: 11.  Now we’re talking.  Most of these deaths happened off page and to minor characters though.

Cumulative deaths: 80

Maybe deaths in this recap:  2. Luwin who go stabbed and Theon who got his arse kicked.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  6

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Reek.  Need I say more?

Cumulative betrayals: 18

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

 

More wine!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Sansa VI, Tyrion XIV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio.  Plus the fumes of the bug spray I’ve been using to fight a recent fly infestation.

 

Sansa VI

  Sansa is having a tense dinner with her future mother in law.  Cersei’s getting drunk which is good because we all know that drunk Cersei is the best Cersei.  Cersei and I have that in common.  I’m better with a wine wetted whistle too.  Sadly, everyone’s buzz is harshed by Ilyn Payne lurking creepily in the back of the room.

  Some scared newlywed women starts weeping uncontrollably and has to be escorted out.  Cersei is of course contemptuous of this because tears are a woman’s weapon.  Unlike a man’s weapon which is a sword.  Sansa who is still flitting in and out of her simpleton phase of life points out that Cersei is the one who asked all these silly women to be there.  Cersei explains that as queen it’s expected of her and it will make her look good if she is brave for the wives of the various lords and knights in King’s Landing should the Lannister’s win.

  Then poor Sansa makes the mistake of asking what would happen if the castle falls.  Cersei points out that the women, especially Sansa will be in for a bit of rape.  She’s just a little too gleeful about this prospect for my taste.  She then explains that she has no hope of seducing Stannis and tells the oh so scandalized Sansa that tears aren’t a woman’s only weapon.  Totally appropriate thing to say to an adolescent girl.

  They are interrupted by one of the Kettleblacks who reports what we already knew about Stannis’ fleet burning up.  He also reports that three smallfolk tried to sneak out of the city.  Cersei orders their heads put on spikes to serve as a warning to other potential traitors who commit the grievous sin of wanting to live.  She subscribes to the Machiavellian school of ruling.  But Sansa wants to rule with love.  Awwww.

  Now Cersei is really trashed.  She starts talking about how she and Jaime used to dress in each other’s clothes as kids and were able to fool everyone.  This both makes the twincest more creepy and reminds of Anne Rice books.  Once they hit puberty it all changed and of course Jaime got all the respect.  Drunk Cersei is super bitter about this. 

  Word comes that Stannis’ foot soldiers are rushing the castle and Tyrion will be leading the defense.  Cersei reveals she knows about Sansa going to the godswood although she thinks it’s only to pray for a Stannis victory.  She doesn’t seem to know about Dontos.  She makes Sansa chug a glass of wine in hopes of getting some truth out of her.  Once again, inappropriate!  Anyway, she calls Ilyn forth.  He has Ice.  Cersei says he is ordered to use it on the both of them if Stannis wins.  Uh oh.

 

Tyrion XIV

  First of all, let me acknowledge that Tyrion is wearing a helm.  Unlike in the TV show.  A bunch of tense and scary battle stuff happens.  Somehow Tyrion manages to be a badass fighting Stannis’ men.  I’m not sure how, but whatever.  Plot armor.  Pieces of exploded boat are floating in the river and make a sort of bridge.  This bridge is where the battle is now taking place.  Now things are getting very muddled and confused and Tyrion seems to be about to pass out from exhaustion.  He sees Kingsguard member Ser Mandon Moore extending a hand to him.

  Then, holy shit!  Moore stabs Tyrion right in the face!  Tyrion collapses and just as Moore is looming over him ready to go in for the kill, someone takes him out.  It’s none other than Podrick Payne.  I still want an explanation for how this happened.  Wtf?

  Oh Pod.

 

Sansa VII

  Ser Lancel comes into Maegor’s holdfast to tell them that the battle is lost and Tyrion is probably dead.  Cersei orders Joffrey brought to Maegor’s and after that to pull up the drawbridge and seal them in.  Poor dumb Lancel tries to protest because he knows that removing Joffrey from battle is terrible for morale.  Cersei responded by slapping him in his motherfucking wound.  Damn!  That’s harsh!

  Sansa is trying to comfort all the frightened ladies and help Lancel who’s on the floor in a bloody heap when Dontos appears out of nowhere and encourages her to go hide in her bedchamber.  He says he’ll come for her when the fighting is done.  She obeys.

  In Sansa’s dark bedchamber a surprise is waiting for.  It’s drunk and creepy Sandor who pops out of the dark and grabs her wrist.  Gross.  I don’t get SanSan shippers at all.  Nope.  Ick.  He makes her look at him and tells her that he’s going and wants her go with.  He even more creepily tells her that she promised him a song.  She sings him the Mother’s hymn.  He eventually skulks away.

  When the sun rises Dontos, also drunk bursts into her room.  He tells her that the Lannisters won the battle.  Lord Tywin, the Tyrells and their allies saved the day.

 

Daenerys V

  Dany is finally fed up with Qarth’s bullshit.  She refuses to wear the awkward one boob gown anymore.  She changes back into Dothraki clothes.  Good.  This isn’t the first time I’ve seen a male author write about times and places where the fashion is for women to wear a gown that only covers one boob.  This makes zero sense.  Most breasts need support.  It really wouldn’t be a good look.  Sorry dudes.  It’s never going to happen.

  Dany is going to the waterfront to sell some things so she can get a ship and flee.  Now that she’s screwed with the warlocks they’ve put a hit out on her so she needs to get out.  Xaro tries once again to her to marry him but she is not having it.  She doesn’t trust him because he won’t even give her a single ship unless she gives him a dragon.

  Dany and Jorah have quite a bit trouble convincing any captains to take them on.  With the Dothraki and the dragons they make a pretty huge and dangerous group.  As they walk, Jorah notices that they are being followed by two people.  A Westrosi looking older man and a huge brown skinned guy.

  Suddenly a Qartheen man steps into their path and offers Dany a pretty jeweled box.  She thinks it’s a gift.  However it contains a huge poisonous scarab.  The old man knocks the box out of her hands and kills the scarabs.  He doesn’t mean her ill after all.  Probably not anyway.  The old man tells her he is called Arstan aka Whitebeard and the other guy is Belwas.  Jorah is all glowery and suspicious.  Of course.  Arstan and Belwas claim to have been sent by Magister Ilyrio.  They have ships to bring her back to Pentos.

Deaths in this recap: 1 Pretty surprising considering we were covering a war but Ser Mandon Moore is the only named character to die.

Cumulative deaths: 69

Maybe deaths in this recap:  1.  Tyrion.  He was in a pretty bad way.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  4

Betrayals in this recap: 1.  Ser Mandon Moore was supposed to be on the same side as Tyrion.  What happened there?

Cumulative betrayals: 17

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

 

 

 

Teeth!!!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon V, Sansa V, Davos IV, Tyrion XIII

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot Grigio

 

Theon V

  Theon is having a wolf dream.  More like a wolf nightmare.  Direwolves are chasing his ass and I’d say he deserves some nightmares wouldn’t you?  This dream is interrupted by Reek creeping up on Theon’s bed with a candle.  It’s OK, it’s consensual.  Asha has arrived and Theon had previously requested he be alerted when that happens.

  As Theon gets ready to receive Asha he reflects on the fact that he’s been having a lot of nightmares lately.  Either he has a guilty conscience about what he’s done to the boys or there is some sort of supernatural meaning.  In ASOIAF it really could be either.  He even dreams about vagina dentata.  Holy shit!  How is that I’ve read this book three times previous to this recap adventure and I forgot about that?  Is there so much what the fuckery in this series that I could forget something so important as a vagina piranha dream?  Apparently so!

Anyway, after preening for what seems like forever, Theon has some guards take him downstairs.  This is necessary because a lot of Theon’s men have been turning up dead.  Gelmarr the Grim, Aggar, and Gynir Rednose are the names of the victims.  It looks like the smallfolk of Winterfell are not taking so kindly to Theon charging in and killing Stark children.  Who would’ve thunk it!?

  Theon decided to judge Farlen the kennelmaster guilty of the deaths.  Because why not?  Theon sentenced him to death and executed him himself.  Of course, Theon being Theon, the execution got bungled.  It took three whole cuts to sever the head.  Oops.

  In typical Theon fashion, he doesn’t take any responsibility for this turn of events.  He just blames Asha for it.  Because she had the temerity to be Balon’s favorite.  Misandry!  He is even more outraged to find that Asha only brought 10 men to help him hold Winterfell.

  Of course Asha is not too impressed by Theon’s “accomplishments”  she calls him “Prince of Winterfell” in a mocking fashion and asks whether it was harder to kill the cripple or the babe.  Tee-hee!  I’m enjoying this chapter way too much aren’t I?

  Asha and Theon break away from the great hall to speak in private and we learn that Roderick Cassel has at last beaten Dagmer Cleftjaw at Torrhen’s square.  It looks like ol’ Rod is coming back to Winterfell and Dagmer is retreating with the surviving IB.

  Theon is mad because Asha isn’t giving him enough aid.  She rightfully points out that the IB are only good on the sea and Winterfell is too far inland.  She knows that Theon will never hold it.  She knows it was stupid as hell to commit the terrible PR move of killing Bran and Rickon.

  After Asha leaves, Reek approaches Theon to offer his assistance.  He asks leave to go get more men.  A couple hundred of them.  He lets him go.  That night Theon has more nightmares.  He wakes up and goes to survey Bran and Rickon’s dismembered heads.  It is here in Theon’s thoughts we learn that those boys weren’t Bran and Rickon.  They were the Miller’s boys.  Theon only disguised them as the Stark boys.  Oh snap!

 

Sansa V

  After a morning of singing and praying with the other ladies in the sept, it is time to watch the guys ride out to battle.  After a brief chat with Tyrion, Joffrey calls for her.  Joffrey has a new sword of douchiness that he has named Hearteater.  He plans to kill his uncle Stannis with it.

  Because Joffrey is a stupid fucking creep he makes Sansa kiss his sword.  I find the blowjob metaphor between adolescents a bit squicky but, whatever.

  Sansa, who is as I always maintain, smarter than she seems tells Joffrey that her brother Robb always goes where the fighting is thickest because he’s all brave and shit.  See, she’s manipulating Joffrey into going into the thick of battle and endangering himself by challenging his manliness.  Good job S!

  After some Sept going Sansa finally retreats to the safety of Maegor’s Holdfast.  There she finds Falyse Stokeworth trying to coax poor Lollys inside.  Shae is there too!  I think this is the first time we learn that Lollys is pregnant from the gang rape she suffered at the riots.  Horrible, sad stuff.  But I’m glad it’s in here because in real life the disabled are frequently sexual abuse targets and people do forget that.

  Inside the holdfast Sansa finds all the highborn ladies of King’s Landing.  Ilyn Payne is there too.  And he has Ned’s sword Ice.  Then drunk Cersei comes in.  Yes!  I love drunk Cersei!  Sansa asks what Payne is doing there and Cersei points out that he’s probably better than rapey conquerors.  Truth?  I guess?

 

Davos IV

  This chapter is going to be hard to recap.  I’ll admit that upfront.

  Davos is on his ship the Black Betha.  He is commanding with his son Matthos.  There’s a lot of descriptions of the various ships in Stannis’ fleet and I’m sorry but I can’t and won’t go through it all.  The only thing you need to know is that Stannis is on the land front across the Blackwater river from KL.  He isn’t on the fleet.  Also, Davos is feeling insecure because he’s masquerading as a lord but still feels like a smuggler from Flea Bottom deep down.

  Davos is starting to get a little suspicious because he had heard that Tyrion was planning something to keep the Blackwater closed but instead the river is wide open.  It’s almost like a trap :/  Eventually all of Stannis’ fleet gets all bunched up in a small space in the river with only a small number of ships from Joff’s fleet and Davos is getting even more suspicious.  I feel much forboding right now.

  Archers from Joffrey’s army are firing from the city walls onto the Stannis fleet.  Davos sees the signs of a chain but it hasn’t been raised yet.  Still, for some reason he takes time to remember that he talked Stannis into leaving Melisandre behind on Dragonstone because she’s just the worst PR.  And Davos hates her obviously.

  Finally it becomes clear what is going to happen.  Wildfire is being flung at Stannis’ fleet.  Remember that water does not extinguish it.  Stop, drop and roll doesn’t do shit.  Wildfire keeps going until it burns off.  If it gets you, you’re fucked.  Plain and simple.  Suddenly people are burning to death in terrible pain all around Davos.

  Seriously, of all the horrible things that happen in the series, this is one of the worst for me.  People burning alive is a nope.  Do.  Not.  Want.  Now the chain is raised.  Davos’ sons have exploded and death awaits as the whole of Stannis’ fleet (except Sallador’s ship) are trapped in the river.  Fuck.

 

Tyrion XIII

  Tyrion is atop the city walls watching the death and destruction wildfire is bringing Stannis’ fleet.  I’m still shuddering.  He thinks of it as a jade holocaust.  I guess that lightens the mood a little bit.  Only because Jade Holocaust sounds like a good band name.

  Tyrion is still afraid that the chain/wildfire trick isn’t enough.  Stannis’ ground army still outnumbers Joffrey’s army because so many of the Lannister soldiers are off fighting Robb.

  Tyrion also acknowledges at this point that Joffrey’s small fleet and its men were sent out as a doomed decoy.  They’re all burning to death just like Stannis’ men.  Is that a war crime?  I guess I see why it’s necessary but it’s really terrible and makes me uncomfortable.

  Stannis’ men have brought a ram up to one of the city gates.  He goes off to investigate and finds Sandor Clegane.  The Hound is all freaked out by the fire, his one fear.  He takes this inconvenient moment to rebel and also says this awesome thing that I feel every day

 I hear you Sandor.  I hear you.  Who’s better?  Drunk Cersei or drunk Hound?  I just don’t know.  We’ll see drunk Cersei in the next installment and can properly compare and contrast then.

  With no Hound to lead the sortie, Tyrion has to step up and take charge.  He gives a misanthropic yet inspiring speech as only Tyrion can do.  It’s about how there will be no glory in this battle but winning is better because Stannis’ army will probably rape and pillage and that’s no good.  Yay!?

 

Deaths in this recap: 7 Gelmarr, Aggar and Gynir.  Dale, Matthos, Maric and Allard Seaworth.  But then you have to subtract 2 because Bran and Rickon weren’t killed after all and the poor Miller’s boys have no name so they can’t technically be in the tally.  They’re in my heart though.  The real total is 5.

Cumulative deaths: 68

Maybe deaths in this recap:  1.  Davos.  What the hell happened to him?  Poor Davos.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  3

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 16

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

TreebeardBran

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Jon VII, Tyrion XII, Catelyn VII

Booze in my flagon:  Cabernet

A quick note:  Since GRRM is forgoing writing a script for season 5 of the TV show to finish TWOW, I’m really hoping that by the time I recap the entirety of the first 5 books, TWOW will be out.  I know.  I’m a sweet summer child.

Jon VII

  Jon, Qhorin, Squire Dalbridge and Ebben are sneaking through the Skirling Pass.  Jon has one of his many heart to heart with a series of mentors so he can someday be a great leader with Qhorin.  Did that sentence make any kind of sense?  I don’t know because wine.  They talk about Mance Rayder who was a Black Brother before deserting to live among the wildlings.  Mance was born as a wildling and captured by the NW as a kid.  Qhorin explains that the wildlings are no better or worse than anyone but they have no discipline because they do not like to defer to any leadership.  I WONDER IF THIS INFORMATION WILL BECOME RELEVANT LATER? 

  The heartfeltiness of the heartfelt talk prompts Jon to confess that he let Ygritte go.  Qhorin is not surprised and he doesn’t really think they necessarily needed her dead.  He was just testing Jon to see what kind of man he is.  So crafty!

  Now it’s time for bed, and with it some weird dreams.  At first Jon has a wolf dream starring ghost.  Then a weirwood tree that sounds and looks like Bran calls out to him.  The tree smells like death but WeirBran tells JonGhost not to be afraid and to open his third eye.  The tree touches Jon and gives him a vision.  The vision is of Mance’s camp.  It is huge.  Not only does it have pretty much all the wildlings, they have mammoths.  Mammoths!  Wow!

  Then an eagle attacks JonGhost and Jon wakes up screaming.  Ebben is mad so Jon has to describe his dream.  The rest of the party seems to realize that Jon is a warg and the eagle attack was a wildling skinchanger.  Ghost is missing and Jon is very worried that the he is hurt or dead.  The fear gets worse after they see an eagle watching them walk.  They eventually found Ghost very hurt but able to walk.  Qhorin decides they must flee. 

  When they get to the spot where they encountered Ygritte and her friends Squire Dalbridge offers to stay behind to shoot arrows at the approaching wildlings and, Jon realizes, to sacrifice his life.

  The next day they hear the wildlings horn in the distance and no they are screwed.

Tyrion XII

  Varys has some news for Tyrion.  News from the north.  Uh oh.  The news is that Bran and Rickon have been killed.  Really GRRM?  That’s how you’re going to deliver the news?  A piece of parchment delivered by the spider?  Troll.

  Cersei isn’t sad at the news when Tyrion tells her.  Obviously.  Because she’s awful (and kind of awesome).  She is a little defensive about it though.  She is pissed that people might blame her for it.  That’s her only worry though.

  Cersei and Tyrion have dinner.  Their dinner is a swan.  A fucking swan.  Why?  She’s in a bad mood because of the Starks, Littlefinger being MIA and Tyrion sending his hill tribesman away because they aren’t disciplined enough to be soldiers.

  Tyrion has to convince Cersei that she needs to allow Joffrey to participate in the fast approaching battle.  It would be the worst PR if he doesn’t.  Sadly, Cersei is a bit of a helicopter parent (GRRM is apparently good at predicting trends) and he really has to work hard to convince her.

  Then Cersei springs one of her very special Cersei surprises on him.  She doesn’t like that Tyrion thinks with the “worm between his legs” so she’s captured his whore.  Tyrion is quite upset!  Cersei is ranting about how he wants Joff dead so he can rule through Tommen.  Cersei says that she will kill her terribly if any harm comes to Joff or Tommen.  This could be really horrifying and sad for Tyrion (that’s all that matters is Tyrion’s feels, right?) but unfortunately for Cersei, she took the wrong whore!  Sad trombone for Cersei.

  Cersei has mistakenly taken Alayaya.  Tyrion declares that whatever happens to her will happen to Tommen too.  Then he tells Cersei that he’ll get her one day and make sure her joy turns to ashes in her mouth.  I’m sure that will never backfire on him at all.  Right?

  When Tyrion gets back to his bedchamber, Shae is there.  Funny!  Varys led her through some secret tunnel to his bedchamber.  She was made to wear a hood so she couldn’t see.  Tyrion, try as he might can’t figure out where the passage is.  This isn’t important information either.  Shhh.

Catelyn VII

  Catelyn and Brienne are eating a morose dinner by themselves while outside the smallfolk are loudly singing and drinking to Edmure’s military victories.  Sadly, Cat has learned the news of Bran and Rickon’s deaths.  This is the point in which her chapters get depressing and contain lines like “I am a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.”

  Because the dinner is so awkward, she finally tells Brienne about what happened.  We get more details than in the previous chapter and they are gruesome.  Theon mounted their heads on the walls of Winterfell after capturing them at the mill.  What an asshole.  I wonder if he’ll get his comeuppance? :D

  Catelyn wishes death on Theon, Cersei, Jaime and even Tyrion.  Foreshadowing?  We’ll just have to see.

  She tells Brienne that she sent Jaime a shit ton of wine in hopes of getting him wasted and talking.  It worked on Cleos Frey before so why not?  They arrange to meet at midnight to go interrogate him.

  Catelyn passes the time until then by going up to Hoster’s room and angsting at him.  He probably doesn’t understand what she’s saying.

  Finally midnight comes.  When she gets to the dungeon she finds that Jaime has not taken the bait and drunk the wine.  He is still a hot mess though.  The light hurts his eyes because he’s been in the dark like one of the crawlers from The Descent.  There’s shit all over the place, his clothes are soiled and his beard his ungroomed.  Catelyn still notices that he’s pretty hot and after watching seasons 2 and 3 of the TV show, I must concur.

  The two of them make a deal to answer each others questions truthfully.  First, he admits to being Joffrey’s father.  No big shock there.

  Jaime wants to know if his family still lives and when he finds out that Stafford is the only one dead thus far he gives zero fucks.

  Now the kicker.  Catelyn asks him what happened to Bran.  She wonders if he’ll be able to even answer but he has no shame at all and matter of factly tells her that he did in face defenestrate him.  He does however, deny sending the catspaw.  Hmm….

  All this time Jaime has finally been drinking the wine and by now he is quite drunk.  He tells Cat the terrible tale of how Rickard and Brandon Stark died.  Rickard was cooked inside his own armor by Aerys.  Ouch!  Brandon was tied up with a cord around his neck and his sword just out of reach.  He ended up strangling himself.

  This is all told as Jaime’s defense against the kingslaying.  We begin to get an understanding of why he did it and he becomes a character that is no longer a one dimensional villain.  This is one of my favorite parts of the books and I can’t even snark right now even though I’m a bit drunk.

  Anyway, Cat is fairly unmoved because she knows that Jaime did not slay Aerys to avenge the Starks. Also, Jaime starts mocking the fact that Ned had a bastard an we all know that’s a sore subject with Cat.  Finally she calls for Brienne and asks for her sword.

  Whaaa…..?

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Bran and Rickon.  Nooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cumulative deaths: 63

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  Cersei kidnaps who she thinks is Tyrion’s whore

Cumulative betrayals: 16

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

Creepers Abound

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Theon IV, Jon VI, Sansa IV

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio because when it’s 82 degrees and humid at 10:30 PM and you don’t have an air conditioner; red wine is not the way to go.

 

Theon IV

  Some noise or instinct has awaken Douchelord Prince Theon in the night.   Kyra, one of the barmaids in Winter’s Town is asleep beside him because they totally did it earlier.  Of course, Theon seems more turned on by the fact that he had sex with a commoner in Ned’s bed than he is by Kyra.  Because he’s the worst.

  Slowly it dawns on Theon that it’s the quite that has woken him up.  The direwolves had been constantly howling since he took Winterfell.  Now that noise is gone.  He has someone named Urzen go check on the wolves and his main servant Wex check on Bran and Rickon.

  Of course the wolves and boys have escaped.  Good for them!   Theon is pissed.  Not just because his hostages are missing.  He’s upset because he thinks he’s treated the people of Winterfell so well and it’s just so unfair of them to be upset about the takeover.  Jesus H Christ Theon.  I know you come from a long line of assholes and don’t know how to think like a normal person, but still, shut up!

  It is discovered that the escape happened out of the hunter’s gate.  The two guards, Squint and Drennan have been brutally slain.  Drennan is a rapist so, I’ve got to admit I’m glad to see that.  Clearly, the boys didn’t get out of Winterfell alone.  They were killed before they even had time to alert the other guards.  Later it is revealed that the Reeds, Osha and Hodor are missing too.  No horses are missing so Theon is confident that Bran and co. will soon be found.

  Theon takes his butthurt out on the Winterfell smallfolk.  He whines some more about how good he had been to them.  What is wrong with this moron?  Reek, Ramsay Snow’s captured servant wants Theon to retaliate for this grave injustice by flaying everyone.  I guess he was influenced by his servitude to House Bolton.  They used to flay their enemies until the Starks put an end to it about a thousand years ago.  Luckily Theon is able to find some shred of decency and vetoes the plan.

  Dawn approaches so Theon forms a hunting party and makes Maester Luwin and Farlen the kennelmaster join it.  One of the mini Walder Freys wants to go too.  They follow the trail through the forest for a long time.  Maester Luwin takes the opportunity to try and convince Theon to show mercy when they are inevitably captured.  Theon starts thinking about how much easier it would be to hold Winterfell if he could’ve married one of the Stark girls, particularly Sansa because she is pretty.  Ew.  Poor Sansa attracts every creeper in Westeros.

  Finally, the party comes upon a river.  In the muddy banks are paw prints from Summer and Shaggy.  But there are no human footprints.  They’ve only been following the wolves for who knows how long.  Haha!  Still, Theon thinks the humans must be somewhat near.  The party splits up.  No luck.  Neither wolves or Stark boys are found.

  When dusk falls it is time to give up.  But, wait no, Reek wants to save the day.  He has a feeling the boys are at a nearby mill.  Theon thinks that Reek’s lips look like two worms fucking which is just hilarious.  Reek has a wolf’s head pin in a sack and in my semi drunk state I’m not sure why that means that Bran and Rickon are hiding at the mill.  But Theon is certain of it and he goes to get them.  Uh oh.

 

Jon VI

  Qhorin, Jon and the rest of their party are in the frostfangs.  They can see up in the Skirling pass that some wildings are there because they have lit a fire.  Qhorin decides two men must climb the mountain in the dark to sneak up on the wildlings and kill them before they can sound a horn to warn any other wildling parties.  An excellent climber named Stonesnake and Jon both volunteer.

  The climb is cold and scary.  It doesn’t translate well in recap form but trust me, it was very tense!  Finally, they get just above where the wildlings are camped.  There are three of them.  One of the wildlings is sleeping so Stonesnake and Jon divide the two remaining ones between them.  They each kill their wildling.  Aww, Jon has his first kill.  He’s a real man now!

  Then, the sleeping wildling starts fighting Jon.  Jon gets the better of the wildling and is about to slice his throat when he realizes that he is … wait for it… a she!  Stonesnake wants Jon to kill her but he can’t do it. 

  He decides to take this wildling, her name is Ygritte, captive.  She repays his mercy by telling him that Snow is an evil name.  She wants them to burn the wildling corpses.  Stonesnake won’t do it though.  He throws their bodies off the cliff instead.  Soon they hear shadowcats devouring the bodies.  Jon tries to interrogate Ygritte but she won’t tell him anything except a legend about a wildling named Bael the Bard kidnapping the daughter and only child of a Stark and making a baby with her so that all Starks, according to wildling legend are part wildling. 

  In the morning, Qhorin finds them.  He’s pissed off that Jon took a hostage instead of killing all the wildlings as planned.  He tells Jon to do what needs to be done with her and leaves them alone.  He still can’t kill her and lets her escape. I’m sure that won’t have any consequences whatsoever.

Sansa IV

  Dontos and Sansa are meeting in the godswood.  The air is thick with smoke because Stannis’ men have been burning the kingswood and Tyrion is burning everything outside of the city walls so that things will be too inhospitable for a siege.

  Sansa is getting a bit cranky because Dontos is not making good on his promise to help her escape.  He tells her that the time still isn’t right.  The city is too heavily guarded.   Neither Stannis himself or his naval forces have arrived yet.  So everyone is waiting and afraid.  Before Sansa and Dontos part, he wants a kiss from her.  She kisses him but luckily only on the cheek.  Ew.  Just, ew.  Does no one but me get intensely creeped out reading Sansa chapters?  An adult man acts inappropriately towards her in pretty much every one.  I’m glad I don’t have a teenage daughter.  I don’t think I can handle it considering how overprotective and anxious I am of a fictional teenaged girl.

  When Sansa is crossing the bridge across the moat to get back to Maegor’s Holdfast she is accosted by the Hound.  Oh great, more creepers.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME GRRM!?  Seriously.  Why all the molesters?  Things like this must be in her mind at all times

 

  Anyways, Sansa is too nice and tries to convince the Hound that she doesn’t find him scary, but he sees through it and feels the tell her so while gripping onto her.  Sigh.  She still tries to thank him for being brave and saving her during the riot.  He just scoffs and tells her that it’s no big deal because he likes to kill people and her father probably did too.  Oh, Sandor.   He tells her that knights are only there to kill and that she should go away because he’s sick of looking at her. 

  Sansa flees and goes to bed.  She has a PTSD dream about the riot.  In the dream she’s being beaten bloody by a bunch of people and then stabbed in the belly.  When she wakes up, she finds she’s gotten her first period.  Are you there God?  It’s me, Sansa.

  This part is just ridiculous to me.  In the span of a few hours she bleeds so much that her nightgown, bedclothes and mattress are all completely soiled.  Are you kidding me GRRM?  I’m here to tell all you male readers, we don’t actually bleed that much.  The average amount of blood lost during menstruation is 1/8th of a cup (IIRC).  That’s during the entire period.  Not per hour or anything.

  Anyway, Sansa freaks out.  That is understandable because now she is eligible to marry Joffrey and nobody wants that.  She tries to burn all the evidence.  Not a great idea.  The fire draws a maid who summons others to stop her from burning everything.  Of course, she’s all blood covered as they pull her away from the fire.  Geez!  How much do men think we bleed?  A period would send us to the hospital for blood transfusions if it was as bad as men think it is.

  Of course, this means that Cersei finds out about the flowering.  Sansa is forced to go eat breakfast with her.  Cersei, ever kind and gentle just can’t wait to tell her that giving birth is even worse.  She also informs her that although she will likely love Joffrey’s brat kids, love is a poison that will kill you.

  As Tobias Funke says, now that’s an act break!

Deaths in this recap:  2. Squint and Drennan.  Didn’t know you, don’t care.

Cumulative deaths: 61

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 15

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

 

Weasel soup

Book I am reading: A Clash of Kings

Chapters: Arya IX, Daenerys IV, Tyrion XI

Booze in my flagon: Pinot grigio

 

Arya IX

  Arya goes to visit Hot Pie in the kitchen.  He is making tarts for Amory Lorch and Arya wants to spit on them.  She’d make a perfect service sector employee!  I don’t even mean that sarcastically.  A lot of customers deserve that shit.  Arya’s new boss Pinkeye is an alcoholic and passes out every night so she’s feeling a little bolder than she did under Weese.  She proposes escaping but Hot Pie doesn’t actually want to escape because living in the forest and eating bugs kind of sucks.  Arya hears a horn that indicates the gates are being opened and so she steals a tart and goes to see what’s happening.

  It’s the Bloody Mummers returning.  They’ve brought a big black bear with them.  They also have a bunch of prisoners.  The prisoners are all bearing northern sigils.  The prisoners include two nobles, a Glover and a Frey.  There’s a little bit of tension because Amory Lorch and Vargo Hoat hate each other.  I guess there’s only room for one complete and utter sociopathic douchebag per zip code?

  Pinkeye comes down to see the commotion so Arya runs off to escape notice.  She goes past the armory and has a headlong into puberty moment when she sees Gendry doing his metal work and being all muscley and sexy.  She asks him to help her free the Northern/Riverlands prisoners but he isn’t anymore into it than Hot Pie was.

  Finally, Arya realizes that she’s going to have to resort to getting her last name from Jaqen.  She’s been a little afraid of him ever since he Cesar Millaned that dog into killing Weese.  She realizes he’s more of a sorcerer than just a really bad ass assassin.

But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Arya prays to the weirwood tree in Harrenhal’s godswood to get the northerners out and then remembers the Old Gods (OGs?) didn’t do jack shit to help her dad so she starts yelling at them.  Jaqen sneaks up behind her and says “Gods are not mocked, girl.”  Clearly he has never seen any George Carlin standup.  He’s creepy and hot as usual and reveals that he knows she is Arya Stark even though Gendry didn’t spill the beans.

  However, Jaqen won’t help her.  She needs two guards to die to get the Northmen out and she only has one name left.  She makes him swear that he would kill anyone she named no matter what.  She whispers in his name “It’s Jaqen H’ghar.”  Oh snap!

  The ploy works.  He agrees to help her if she takes back his name.  Smart girl!  Jaqen tells her to go to the kitchens to help make a broth and wait for him there.

  Jaqen finally comes to fetch Arya.  Unfortunately he brings those fucks Rorge and Biter with him.  Arya is not too pleased about that.  They all carry a bunch of soup pots into the dungeon.  Jaqen tells Arya to stay out of the way.  Jaqen, Rorge and Biter all threw the soup in the guard’s eyes allowing them to kill them all and let Robett Glover, Aenys Frey and the rest out.  This allows the Northmen to outnumber the small garrison holding Harrenhal.  They took it over.

  Jaqen and Arya agree that his debt is paid and she unsays his name.  Then some freaky shit happens.  He declares Jaqen dead, rubs his hand across his face and becomes an entire new person.  Whoa!

The Artist Formerly Known as Jaqen H’ghar tells Arya that if she comes across the Narrow Sea with him she can learn how to take a new face and name too.  She tells him no because she wants to get home so he gives her an iron coin.  He tells her to give it to any man from Braavos and say “valar morghulis” to find him again.  He leaves in a mysterious swirl of darkness and awesomeness.

  Overnight, the Bloody Mummers turned cloak and joined the northerners, killing Amory Lorch’s men.  The incident becomes known around the castle as dying of hot Weasel Soup.

  That evening the new master of Harrenhal arrives.  It’s Roose Bolton.  Rorge and Biter out Arya as the one responsible for Weasel Soup.  Roose is somewhat impressed so he makes her his cup bearer.  The Bloody Mummers give Amory Lorch to the bear to be torn apart.  Oh well.

 

Daenerys IV

  Dany expects the House of the Undying to be extra opulent.  But it isn’t.  It’s a crumbling ruin.  By the way, this chapter would be best if I was on hallucinogens rather than alcohol, but I’ll do my best.

  The building looks like a serpent and is surrounded by trees whose plants make the Shade of the Evening which is the magic drink the warlocks take.  Jhogo thinks it looks evil and Aggo agrees.  Xaro and Jorah tell her the Warlocks are worthless and won’t do anything for her.  Dany does not heed the warnings and even when Pyat Pree tells her she has to go alone she’ s still desperate enough to agree to those terms.

  Pyat tells Dany the Undying Ones are dangerous and if she values her soul she’ll to always take the rightward door and climb up never down.  He tells her not to enter any room until she gets to the audience chamber.  A dwarf gives her a glass of evening shade and Pyat tells her she has to take it.  This is sounding sketchier by the moment.  At least she has Drogon with her!

  Dany sees many creepy things, A naked woman being eaten by little rat men, a bunch of corpses killed at a feast while a dead man with a wolf head presides, her old house with the lemon tree and Willem Darry, a Targ (Rhaegar) on the iron throne with baby Aegon saying there must be one more because the dragon must have three heads.

  Dany reaches a dead end.  There are only stairs going down and there are no doors on the right.  Drogon is freaking out.  Then it occurs to her that the first door on the right = the last door on the left.  Yay!

  Finally she bursts out into the courtyard to find Pyat standing there telling her she’s only been gone a few minutes.  Dafuq?  That’s like the end of Contact (movie version).  He tries to guide her away but she decides to take the next rightward door anyway.  This causes him to cry and yell.  She turns out to have made the good choice.  She gets to an ebony and weirwood door and beyond it are wizards that seem like they must be the Undying. 

  Drogon freaks out and bites at the ebony and weirwood door.  She runs away and into a room with a big stone table.  Above the table floats a big blue throbbing heart.  Huh?  Around the table are blue shadows.  Maybe these are the real undying?  Maybe Dany is just high as fuck?  All the creepy Undying people are blue and withered and don’t breathe or move.  They just whisper.  Ick.

  They tell her “three heads has the dragon…three fires must you light…one for life and one for death and one to love…three mounts must you ride …one to bed and one to dread and one to love…three treasons will you know…once for blood and once for gold and once for love.”  So many ellipses!  So many…so many…

  They call her “mother of dragons, daughter of death” and show her Viserys dying, a man with silver hair and copper skin before a fiery stallion banner, Rhaegar dying with his rubies, a red sword in the hand of a blue eyed king who casts no shadow (Stannis prolly) and a mummer’s cloth dragon.

 Fuck me this chapter is cool to read but a pain to write up.  Is it over yet?  No?  Ok…

  A stone beast flies from a burning tower and the phantoms say “mother of dragons, slayer of lies…” and then she sees a corpse on ship and the phantoms say “mother of dragons, bride of fire…”  More ellipses!  So many!

  Then the visions come to fast to process, the phantoms start grasping her and then Drogon comes to the rescue.  He burns them and burns the whole damn building.  Dany escapes and Pyat is pissed.  Now I think I’m tripping by proxy :(

 

Tyrion XI

  It’s the eve of battle with Stannis.  Tyrion sends Shagga and the Stone Crows to hunt down his scouts.  Sending the clansmen away leaves Tyrion feel vulnerable because he doesn’t trust Bronn’s sellswords.  Can’t imagine why :/

  Tyrion also doesn’t trust the Gold Cloaks.  Neither does their leader Jacelyn Bywater.  He thinks they’ll desert if the battle starts turning against the Lannisters.  It’s looking bad.  So bad.  Especially since the smallfolk are still hungry and pissed off.  Who can blame them? 

  Tyrion reflects on the loss of Harrenhal for the Lannisters and the loss of Winterfell for the Starks.  Tyrion finds himself empathetic to the Starks but pushes that thought of the way.  Don’t try to hide it Tyrion.  You know you’re as much of a Stark fan as most of the readers!  Especially since no one likes Theon.

  Later Tyrion goes to the swearing in ceremony for the new King’s Guard.  He approves of Balon Swann.  He doesn’t approve of Osmund Kettleblack.  Kettleblack is shady.  We know this is true because of literary shorthand/stereotyping.  He’s low born with a hook nose and a spade shaped beard.  Like the devil.  Oh noes!

  Later Tyrion meets with Pyromancer (pie romancer!) Hallyne.  Hallyne claims to have 13,000 jars of wildfire.  Tyrion is skeptical but Hallyne claims that in addition to finding an old cache, the spells to make new “substance” are working better than usual.  We are to infer that it’s because of the dragons.  Hallyne even asks if there are dragons about.  Tyrion is skeptical of course but Hallyne remembers that magic died out with the last dragon so it is all kinds of suspicious.

  Later on Varys arrives with the news that some people think Stannis will win and are on his side.  They call themselves the Antler Men.  Tyrion orders them arrested.

 

Deaths in this recap:  2.  Amory Lorch of course.  I’m also counting Jaqen.

Cumulative deaths: 59

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  I’m counting Arya saying Jaqen’s name.  I understand it, but it was still kind of shitty.

Cumulative betrayals: 15

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

 

I’ve got a dick in a braizer for you

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion X, Catelyn VI, Bran VI

Booze in my flagon:  Pinot grigio

 

Tyrion X

  Lancel, in his function as spy/Tyrion’s bitch tells Tyrion Cersei’s plans to send Tommen away to live at nearby Rosby with Lord Gyles.  Even though Gyles Rosby isn’t much like Rupert Giles from Buffy, I always think of him whenever he’s mentioned.  Tommen will have his hair dyed brown so he isn’t recognized.  Cersei fears Tyrion will harm Tommen for some reason.  Later, Tyrion sends Jacelyn Bywater to track down Tommen, oust Gyles’ men and take of Tommen himself.  Tyrion thinks Gyles is too much of a wuss to protect Tommen.  That’s why Gyles < Giles.

personal animated GIF

  Tyrion goes to visit Shae.  She’s hanging out with a singer.  His name is Symon Silver Tongue.  Tyrion is none too pleased to see him.  Because he keeps forgetting that Shae is a sex worker and not actually his girlfriend so he has no right to be possessive. Maybe the term “girlfriend experience” hasn’t been invented in Westeros yet?

  After they ditch Symon and have sex, Tyrion goes out to the garden to angst and brood (what is he Jon Snow now?) and Varys comes to visit him.  He’s dressed as a begging brother and smells very bad.  Not like his usual lavender scent.  Tyrion doesn’t recognize him at first but Shae did.  She tells him that “A whore learns to see the man, not hid garb, or she turns up dead in an alley.”  I like that quote and actually think it can apply to any woman who lives in a decent sized city, not just sex workers.  It’s like the whole Schrodinger’s Rapist thing.

  Anywho, Varys is there to deliver bad news.  He informs Tyrion of Cortnay Penrose’s death.  Storm’s End has fallen to Stannis.  One might question why this is information Varys needed to tell Tyrion in secret.  Won’t this be discussed at the council meeting?

  Tyrion takes Shae aside for a moment.  He tries to convince her to leave the city so she won’t be killed when Stannis comes a calling.  Instead she wants to become Tyrion’s legit lady and bear him sons.  She also wants him to kill Cersei so nobody in town can stop them.  He informs her that kin slayers are cursed in the sight of both gods and men.  Tee hee.  Foreshadowing.  Instead he proposes Shae becomes a scullion (kitchen) maid.  Ouch.  He’s thinks she’d be safer in the Red Keep, but of course she’s pretty offended.  She mocks him for being afraid of his father and he slaps her.  Nice domestic violence Tyrion!  Ick.  He feels guilty and tells her the Tysha story.  I think that’s supposed to make us feel sympathy for Tyrion, but from what I can tell, abusers tend to have some sort of sob story excusing their violence so I’m not inclined to give any fucks.  Shae buys it though.  She agrees to go work in the kitchens.

  Tyrion goes back out to meet Varys berating himself for thinking a whore might lurve him for real. Varys agrees to help him place Shae in the kitchens.  Varys warns him the kitchens are super gossipy like the downstairs portion of Downton Abbey so Shae will need to memorize a good back story.  He also warns Tyrion that sexual harassment runs rampant in the kitchens, but Tyrion would Shae get fondled than stabbed.  What nice choices!

  Luckily for Shae, Lady Tanda Stokeworth needs a new maid for Lollys.  Lollys was already developmentally disabled.  Since being raped in the riots she’s regressed.  That’s just horribly, horribly sad.  But hey, it’s convenient for Tyrion that Lollys won’t care much about who Shae is and where she came from.  Varys also reveals that there is a secret passage leading to Tyrion’s bedchamber so Shae might be able to visit.

  With all the important booty call business taken care of, Tyrion is able to refocus on Penrose’s demise.  According to Varys, he threw himself from a tower.  Some guards witnessed it.  Of course, we readers know that the second shadow baby was the culprit.  Varys seems to think something fishy is going to do.  Tyrion laughs it off.  This prompts Varys to tell the story of how he was cut.  It’s a doozy.

  Varys was an orphan boy apprenticed to a mummer’s troupe.  In Myr some creepy dude offered to pay Varys’ master a lot of money for him.  The master was a horrible person so he agreed to this.  The creepy guys made young Varys drink a potion that paralyzed him but didn’t dull his senses.  He cut off both the frank and the beans.  I don’t even possess those parts and that made me cringe.  I can’t imagine how the penis havers felt reading this.  Then Male Lorena Bobbitt threw the genitals on a brazier.  The flames turned blue and Varys heard a disembodied voice speaking in another language.

  After the ordeal, creepy spell casting dude had no further use for Varys and put him out on the streets.  This story just keeps getting more distressing.  Varys pulled himself up by his bootstraps, did whatever he needed to survive and eventually became a really good thief.  Murica!  Myr!  It was during this time Varys learned that secrets were more valuable than coins. 

  The moral of the story is, magic is evil and Varys hates it.  I think if he were in modern society he would become one of those anti circ nuts that always brigades comments section.  But this is Planetos and instead Varys is an anti-magic zealot.  Because of this Varys wants Stannis dead.  I’m filing this away as possible foreshadowing.  Will Varys be involved in Stannis or Melisandre’s eventual demise?  Time will tell.  Hopefully not too much time.

 

Catelyn VI

  On to more cheerful things.  Oh wait, no.  It’s a Cat chapter.  Never mind.  Edmure rides off to war.  Catelyn’s not particularly thrilled with this.  It leaves her in a funk and she starts reminiscing.  We learn more about her background.  Catelyn’s two older brothers died in infancy and then her mother died giving birth to Edmure.  Cat was always both the dutiful eldest child and she had to function as lady of Riverrun.  This explains why she’s always so serious.  She’s always been focused on doing her duty.

  Cat tells Brienne all about how difficult being separated from her children is.  Brienne thinks childbirth is just as difficult and dangerous as fighting war.  Which is a great point.

  Riverrun also receives the news that Cortnay Penrose is dead and Storm’s End is fallen.  This means Stannis has Robert’s bastard Edric Strom.  This leads to Cat to thinking about bastard.  She wonders how Jon’s mother felt about Ned’s death.  She contrasts Ned’s protectiveness of Jon to Roose’s attitude when news of Ramsay’s death reached him.  He was glad to be rid of Ramsay because “tainted blood is ever treacherous.”  Damn.  The Boltons are even colder than the Bushes.

  Cat’s thoughts are interrupted by news of Lannisters marching across the Red Fork.  They are led by one of Lord Brax’s sons.  It is only a small host and supposedly Riverrun is not endangered.  Cat and Brienne can sort of see and hear the ensuing battle from the tower.  Edmure and his men won easily.

  That night, more Lannisters show up.  With it being dark Cat is less able to figure out what’s happening.  However, Edmure is again victorious.  The next morning word arrives of another victory to the south.  Yay!  Of course, Catelyn isn’t thrilled.  She never really is.  She sends lots of wine down to Cleos Frey so he can be drunk when she questions him later. 

  Once Cleos is good and sloshed she pays a visit to his cell.  She threatens him into giving her information about Arya and Sansa.  He has to admit that he only saw Sansa in King’s Landing.  She tries not to think about the possibility that Arya is dead.

  Later more word comes of several more attempts to cross the Trident.  The Tully men beat them all back.  Catelyn wants to be happy but can’t.  She wonders why, if they are winning, is she so afraid?  Because GRRM is a big meanie?

 

Bran VI

  This chapter opens with Bran having a wolf dream.  Summer is hearing weird clinking and scraping noises.  Summer and Shaggydog are distressed and smell strange men.  Unfortunately the direwolves have been locked up.  Summer who is melded with Bran even tries to climb a tree to escape but can’t do it.  He falls and this shakes Bran awake.

  Bran is afraid.  He knows that Jojen’s dream about the sea flooding Winterfell is coming true.  Moments later, Theon busts in.  Oh Theon, fuck you.  He tells Bran he’s taken Winterfell and is now the prince.  Poor Bran is still a naïve kid and doesn’t quite get it.  So Theon informs him he is being taken to the great hall and had better say the right things.

  Luwin later comes for Bran.  He has a gash above his eye.  He tells Bran that the Iron Born have scaled the walls.  They killed Alebelly.  Just like Jojen predicted.  Luwin managed to get two ravens off with the news.  One was shot down, but the raven sent to White Harbor got away.  Luwin helps Bran dress and advises him to yield to protect the smallfolk.

  Once downstairs, Bran sees the Reeds and Big and Little Walder.  Little Walder is prickish as usual and gloats over Bran’s new status as a hostage.  Shut up L. Walder.  You suck and something bad will surely happen to you.  The direwolves are howlin in the distance.  Theon, ever the asshole, lords his victory over Bran and Rickon.  Several Winterfellians are hurt and/or traumatized.  One of the Iron Born brings Reek in.  Oh good.

  Theon tries to speak but Mikken keeps shouting.  Bran tells him to be quiet after some IB beat on Mikken a little.  Bran officially yields Winterfell to Theon and this is probably one of the saddest, shittiest things that happen in the whole series.  The Starks have held Winterfell for thousands of years.  This is just not right!

  Mikken will just not shut up.  He refuses to serve Theon and keeps getting more beat up.  Bran desperately wants him to shut the fuck up.  But he won’t.  Finally one of the IB kills him by driving a spear through his neck.  Poor Hodor is now extremely distressed and is Hodoring very loudly over and over.  He gets beaten too.  Noooo!!!

  Theon tells the assembly that he’ll be as good to them as Ned Stark was.  Ha!  But they’ll be sorry if they ever betray him.  Reek pledges him his fealty, and then Osha does too.  They both want their freedom.  Bran has the sads because he thought that Osha was a friend.  No little boy, she was a captive.  Duh.  Afterwards beaten up Hodor cries and carries Bran back to his bedchamber and I just want to die.

Deaths in this recap:  3.  Poor Cortnay Penrose and Alebelly didn’t even get to die on page.  Mikken went down like a bad ass though.

Cumulative deaths: 57

Maybe deaths in this recap:  0

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 1  I go back and forth about whether taking Winterfell constitutes a betrayal, but what the hell.  Bran feels betrayed so I’m counting it.

Cumulative betrayals: 14

Incest incidents: 0

Cumulative incests: 25

There’s a shadow baby in my soup!

Book I am reading:  A Clash of Kings

Chapters:  Tyrion IX, Davos II, Jon V

Booze in my flagon:  Orange vodka/soda

 

Tyrion IX

  It is time for Myrcella to be sent to Dorne to ensure the alliance with the Martells.  It is made into a big lavish production.  The obese High Septon blesses Myrcella who is being sent with a kingsquard, Arys Oakheart.   The smallfolk are out in droves to watch the whole thing and Tyrion can sense their hatred.

  Myrcella never cries as she is sailing away but Tommen does.  So of course, Joffrey just has to be a dick about it.  Sansa tries to stand up for Tommen but Joffrey threatens to kill her.  Nice.

  As he watches the fleet sail away, Tyrion reflects on how he trusts Varys too much.  Yeah, that’s probably not a great idea.  We also learn that Littlefinger has been gone for a suspiciously long time.  Many people think he’s dead but Tyrion figures he isn’t.  It seems like he’s probably up to no good.  Just a thought.

  When it’s time to leave, the royal family and their people must navigate their horses through a crush of people.  All the peasants, who are starving because no food is coming into the city are staring at them with resentment.  When they are halfway back to the Red Keep a woman runs out in front of the column.  She’s carrying the corpse of a dead baby.  Part of me wants to go look up some of those tasteless dead baby jokes people used to tell in middle school, but I won’t.  I don’t need to because the most amazing thing happens next.

  After Cersei tells the woman that there’s nothing more anyone can do for the baby, the woman flips right the fuck out.  She calls Cersei a “Kingslayer’s whore” and “Brotherfucker!”  Beautiful.  Then someone in the crowd throws dung and it hits Joffrey in the face.  Beautifullest.

  Joffrey freaks out and promises 100 golden dragons to whoever gives him up.  He wants to behead the culprit and sends the Hound into the crowd.  This is starting to cause a mosh pit like atmosphere.  Tyrion advises they get out but Joffrey is stupid and is still insisting on finding the poo flinger.  Now the crowd is calling Joffrey “bastard” and “monster” and Tyrion “freak” and “halfman.”  They’re also demanding bread and cheering for the other king claimants.

  Chaos ensues.  Kingsguard member Aron Santagar is pulled off his horse and killed.  They got back inside and Lord Gyles reports seeing the High Septon pulled off his litter and killed.  Sansa, the Hound, Preston Greenfield of the kingsguard, Lollys Stokeworth and Tyrek Lannister, Tyrions teen cousin are all missing.  In a rage, Tyrion slaps Joffrey.  It’s glorious.  Of course, Joffrey is a complete piece of shit and doesn’t learn any lesson.  Tyrion orders KG members Boros Blount and Mandon Moore to go look for Sansa and Boros isn’t pleased about it.  They are close to coming to blows, but then, The Hound returns carrying Sansa.  She is bleeding from a gash on her forehead and very traumatized, but physically more or less OK.  Rioting and fires take place in the city for the rest of the night.  Later, Preston Greenfield’s body was found and Lollys was sadly gang raped but still alive.  Tyrek Lannister remains missing.

 

Davos II

  Team Stannis are camped outside of Storm’s End.  Ser Cortnay Penrose, its garrison will not give up Storm’s End or Robert’s bastard Edric Storm.  Stannis has gotten tired and haggard looking.  Like something drained the life from him.  Melisandre is by him constantly.  Creepy.  Stannis’ bannermen want to take up Penrose’s offer of single combat to settle things. 

  Davos and Stannis shoot the shit talking about treacherous his formerly Renly supporting bannermen are.  They talk about how Davos keeps his amputated fingers in a pouch around his neck to remind him where he came from.  Predictably, Stannis emos about how everyone likes Robert and Renly better.  He tells Davos that he dreamed of Renly’s death at the time it happened.  It gives Davos the heebie-jeebies.

  Later at dinner, Davos advises Stannis to abandon Storm’s End and strike for King’s Landing.  Stannis nixes that plan.  He knows that no one loves him and he needs people to fear him to keep his people in line.  He informs Davos that Melisandre has seen Penrose’s death in the flames.  It will occur within the day.  Once again Davos is well and good heebie-jeebied.  He wants Davos to secretly land a boat beneath the castle that night.  He is to take Mel with him.

  While going into the drainage tunnels Davos and Melisandre discuss the nature of good and evil.  Davos believes in shades of grey.  Mel believes in only good and evil but thinks that everything done in the service of R’hllor is inherently good.  There’s a lot of talk of rotten onions.  Once beneath the walls of Storm’s End Mel takes off her cloak to reveal … a giant ass pregnant belly!  She gives birth to the same Stannis looking shadow creature that killed Renly.  The shadow slips between the bars and enters Storm’s End.

George Michael: ..then Uncle Tobias showed us these really rough pictures that proved that she was really Aunt Lindsay’s daughter. I just feel like I can’t be around her or Aunt Lindsay. They were really rough… pictures.Michael: No, I remember their birth announcement like it was yesterday.[image] “There’s A Girl in My Soup! Announcing Our Daughter: Maeby Fünke.<br />
Development Arrested – 3×13<br />
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  In the middle of the night Qhorin Halfhand and company finally arrive to the fist to meet up with Mormont and company.  Qhorin is the mostest fiercest warrior the Night’s Watch has.  Qhorin knows who Jon is right away because he has the Stark look.  They were late getting to the Fist because they were attacked by wildlings.

  Qhorin has found out why Mance and all the wildlings are in the Frostfangs.  He’s a power that will take the Wall down.  He and Mormont decide to send scouts back into the mountains to find out what’s going on.  Qhorin will lead them.  Mormont will keep the bulk of the NW.  Qhorin is allowed to choose what men he wants to take.  He chooses Jon Snow.

Deaths in this recap:  3.  The High Septon, Aron Santagar, and Preston Greenfield in the riots.

Cumulative deaths: 54

Maybe deaths in this recap:  1.  Tyrek Lannister, missing.

Cumulative maybe deaths:  2

Betrayals in this recap: 0

Cumulative betrayals: 13

Incest incidents: 21

Cumulative incests: 25

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